Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2012:

New Year's? Hype's lost on me... I try!

Just random date scheme Man's applied...

But 'Leven was Hell on Earth!

'Twelve? Signs, 'least, Hope's rebirth...

Stoked for once! Foul Old Year, DIE!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy 2012!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/1/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Tidings for a New Year

Don't be fooled--although today's edition is crowned with a normal title and all, it's really a blow-off.

Hey. New Year's Day--who'll have a problem with the day/week off? Of course, could've written an edition ahead of time, and we ARE members of the media/entertainment profession but... The Big Boys often do stuff like "Best Ofs" and such--like this, a bit of a disguised blow-off.

I did wanna sincerely wish you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers a Happy New Year, however.

And as a date marking new beginnings, I really, truly feel things will be looking up for 2012. Yeah, I've been saying that yearly, since New Year's 2008, actually (and often monthly, weekly, daily...) but... I won't go into it.

But 2012's The Year!

So Happy, Successful, Productive and still Extra Cheezy New Year 2012!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2012:

Lame lists--press' New Year, in, trick to ring!

But... Facebook profile "couple" pics are thing

spurs my "list"--of one--

trend '12 should lose--done!

Though few'll admit, most find them sickening!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2012:

So Chicago Bears wide receiver Johnny Knox is featured in these local anti-smoking commercials.

Say, have you read about recent data on how playing American football is causing concussions and brain problems later in life?

Hey, we're not above a PSA discouraging smoking here and there, despite the fact that there are now three people in Zaire who don't know it's dangerous.

But... For a little youthful fun, you can risk coughing out a lung in middle age...or risk babbling and drooling your way through later life?

Dare we say... Potato, po-tah-to?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2012:

Fine now; could be worse--I count blessin's--

but hospital stay taught a lesson...

Those doctors and nurses

do "help" but raid purses--

should call it the, "Billing Profession"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2012:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Like most living in a climate that allows for it, I generally hope each year for a White Christmas.

Here in Chicago, late 2011 brought us a flurry or two, but Christmas, and the weeks of Christmastime, were decidedly non-white. I understand that we had record, or near-record precipitation for December, but that was mostly rain.

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I'm a stickler about Christmastime. Decorations, music, the Tree--that all has to wait until the day after Thanksgiving and has to be down soon after the Holiday Season officially ends.

For me, that generally means leaving the Tree and such up through New Year's Eve. The actual take-down day varies, depending on what day of the week it fall on and other factors.

This time around, New Year's Day was a Sunday, of course. It was also the final weekend of the National Football League regular season games, and my rehearsal schedule has given me few Sundays to dedicate to slackin' away with football, so I wanted to fully veg and partake of that.

Plus, New Year's Day itself is a holiday, the last real day of the Season, so I figured I'd leave the Tree up through midnight, to come down on the 2nd, as I had little going on, like much of the world, Monday, yesterday... Man, I hate the task of taking down Christmas decorations.

At the same time, SYG's should well know that I believe that keeping the Season sacred entails keeping it special--hence none of that Evil Retail pre-Thanksgiving stuff--and none of that sorry-assed stringing it along much into January (or worse).

So I went to bed with an especially heavy heart Sunday night (heavier than it has been since December 26, when the heart-heaviness begins for me), knowing it was my last night spent with the Tree. I awoke, plugged the Christmas lights in, as part of my ritual, basking in that glow up until the last moment, having them on while doing a few online tasks and such, getting them out of the way, prepping to shut the blinds early after accomplishing my "basics" and tackle the most dreaded chore of the year... (Sigh.)

As is my Seasonal ritual, the lights go on first thing in the morning. Well, after a bathroom trip and some coffee going, anyway. Then I open the blinds and... Snow?

A Christmastime with nary a touch of white--and a lovely blanket of snow over the land... YESTERDAY? ON THE DAY I'M TAKING DOWN THE TREE?

There are many things one could read into this bit of symbolism from nature. And I chose... Well, 2011 sucked, as did the couple years before it--but 2012 is already vastly looking up. I'm the odd type who actually LIKES winter and the snow, even outside Christmastime. And I could argue, since the lights and tree were still officially up Monday, it WAS a white Christmastime after all, at least in the end, and... Well.

I chose to see the glass as half-full. Hell, three-quarters full...of snow...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2012:

I crave snow with Yule's "Ho, ho, ho!"

This year? Frosty was a no-show!

On morn of Tree Take-Down--

damn Murphy's Law!--waked, found...

Ground covered in blanket of snow?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2012:

Co Cee Lo Green, as part of some New Year's TV cheeze or some such, performed a version of John Lennon's "Imagine" in which he substituted the phrase, "...and no religion, too" with "...and all religion's true."

So... Injecting religious messages somewhere they don't belong? Just who does he think he is--Tim Tebow?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2012:

The plumber knows--house pipes grow long

and, with it, leak chance grows more strong.

New oil pipeline from--get this--

Canada to Texas...

What could possibly go wrong?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2012:

I keep finding myself reaching to squeeze the Santa.

"Squeeze the Santa." He hee.

But it's not dirty. Although it IS related to pleasure, or pleasure's cousin, merriment, anyway... See, part of my Christmas décor includes this little Santa doll, which lets out a "Ho, ho, ho!" beneath a backing of jingling whenever you squeeze him, and during the Season I squeeze him regularly as I walk past him, as a way of stoking momentum and... Yeah.

Guess it's all sorta symbolic-like and stuff. Reaching to squeeze a Santa that's no longer there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2012:

A New Year's Eve cover by Cee Lo

raped Lennon's "Imagine" verse theme flow--

"no religion" changed to "all"!

Put faith where, for, uncalled--

who's HE think he is? Tim Tebow?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2012:

So the results came in this week from the 2012 Iowa GOP Caucus with a near-tie among... Ron Paul?... Mitt Romney?... Rick freakin' Santorum?... And the winner is (drum roll)--

Barack Obama!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2012:

Real sex act? Well, 12-year-old says--

pre-pube fantasy in high-res...

Stranger things truth finds fit.

'S'there real guy behind it?

A dirty dude, once named Sanchez?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2012:

We've been seeing these commercials lately, shilling a law firm that helps those afflicted with something called "Stephens Johnson Syndrome."

We're thinkin' that perhaps it's just wise to stay away from Stephen's Johnson...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2012:

Symbolic of mind's ho-hum slant'a--

reach to grab Yule doll, but I can't'a

hear its "Ho, ho, ho!"

to storage, did go...

Still try, in vain, to Squeeze the Santa!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2012:

Ahh, the Internet! Savior of Free Speech! Allowing all access to sound-off, providing forum for obscure opinions and topics and... Ahh, the Internet! Savior of Free Speech!

We've been thinkin'... Okay, this is a big topic, but as one example... Okay, twenty-five years ago, let's say you were a middle manager at some corporation. In your youth, you'd written an essay for some small magazine on the wisdom of legalizing drugs.

You probably wouldn't want your employer to know about that, right? And you know what? You'd probably have nothing to worry about.

Today?

Hmmm.

Ahh, the Internet! SAVIOR of Free Speech?...

Oh, and a Happy Extra Cheezy Elvis' Birthday to all you Slapper Yapper Grasshopper cats and kittens...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/8/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Untouched by Human Hands"

Way back in junior high...or perhaps high school, I still recall an otherwise ordinary trip through the school lunch line.

My friend Mark was doled...fish sticks or something from the school lunch lady, who doled by hand, but was wearing those protective, sanitary plastic glove.

Mark, always cracking jokes, to keep up with my cracking jokes, pointed at the food and said, "Look! It's untouched by human hands!"

I was shocked. The lunch lady scowled at him. As we proceeded to our seats, I told Mark that, while the remark was funny, I thought the lunch lady overheard him. See, despite being cutups, or wannabe cutups, anyway, we weren't out to harm anybody, even emotionally--unless, of course, the person deserved it for being insulting his- or herself.

Mark then showed some remorse, as he didn't intend to insult the lunch lady. And since the lunch lady in question, like many lunch ladies, seemed to have a perpetual scowl, I became unsure as to whether I witnessed her being insulted after all... But my point here is that Mark then explained that he was using an expression, meaning that the food was "untouched" because of the gloves, not that he was saying the lunch lady was less than human and... Well.

It wasn't until this past New Year's weekend that I heard the phrase used in the manner Mark had intended it. That one other time, in my entire life. I think it was on a TV show, as details a vague for the entirety of this tale but... Wow.

Either the phrase is kinda dated now, or Mark was way, way out there with that one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2012:

First GOP Caucus--oh Mama!

Excitement, attention and drama!

And... Nearly tie call--

Santorum? Mitt? Paul?...

The winner is (drum roll)... Obama!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2012:

I received one of those page-a-day desktop calendars as one of my Christmas gifts--I always hope to receive such a stocking stuffer as, otherwise, I buy one, as I like the things, for whatever reason.

Oh. Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

This gift came from my mother and its theme is that Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be A Redneck If..." thing.

I'm not sure why that particular theme was chosen. Perhaps she's trying to tell me something. Like, perhaps, oh, I don't know... You Might Be A Redneck If...you receive a "You Might Be A Redneck If..." calendar for Christmas?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2012:

Met right-leaning cousin one night;

he bashed Press' "Left-leaning" plight.

Then e- from progressive group

grieved "how far Right Press stoops"...

Bias of Press? Seems 'bout right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2012:

Okay, so we recently mentioned Cee Lo Green's unlubricated anal rape of the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine" for a New Year's Eve performance.

He substituted "...and no religion, too" for "...and all religion's true."

We tossed-off an attempt at brief witticism (see the archives, you lazy ass clowns), but we've been thinking... Decades back, religion was inherently hostile toward religion. That wasn't necessarily an atheist or even agnostic viewpoint, but suspicion toward dogma in any form.

You know, dogma, like... Oh, saying unequivocally, and wimpily we might add, that ALL religion is "true."

So while Cee Lo's antics are pesky, annoying, politically correct easy targets well... Something more serious is said through the incident about modern liberalism, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2012:

Fifty-four percent, dames and gents,

craves third party for government,

says new poll's surmising.

But what seems surprising

is... ONLY fifty-four percent?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2012:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I MAY have had a religious experience.

Was doing a couple pre-bedtime chores the other night and I found myself hungry. So I poured-up a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, with milk, quite naturally, and misjudged the amount of cereal to size-of-bowl ratio...finding a handful of said Puffs tumbling to the kitchen floor.

Thus, my bowl runneth over.

Of Cocoa Puffs.

Did I somehow...Tebow?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2012:

Lawsuits o'er diseases? Seems hot one's

Stephens Johnson--I'm sure it's not fun--

but do have advice.

You might just think twice

'fore messing 'round with Stephen's Johnson!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2012:

We at Daily Limerick comb over the online classifieds with regularity.

Writing gigs, and full-on jobs, that don't pay? As common as "reality" TV shows.

But what's with the offer of "but writers receive credit/byline"? As if that's some big deal?

The general rule goes that a writer almost always gets "credit." Exceptions exist if, say, you're writing anonymously for some business or something, and the work becomes company property, thus you get no "credit"--but you're paid more.

Whoopee! I'm not getting paid to write--but I am getting CREDIT!

Or perhaps this is a harbinger of things to come. It'll get so bad that we'll see ads for writers ala, "No pay, or bylines, at first, as we're a new publication...but we expect to give CREDIT by next year!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2012:

Fixed a late-night bowl of Cocoa

Puffs and my bowl...it overflowed!

Which sounds rather scripture-y

did I, accident'ly

manage to somehow...Tebow?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the Thirteenth!...

(Still comin' off the post-Christmas blahs, we'll seize on any Holiday-ish opportunity)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2012:

Rather than shake hands, 'Becca'd curtsy--

but one day, she curtsied too flirtsy!

She lifted and squatted

o'er cactus plant potted--

my that flirtsy curtsy did hurtsy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2012:

What's with the men's girlie socks?

Chief Limericist checked-in, here--trying to buy some plain white socks from the store, had 'em on my list for a week-plus now but... The only kind they're selling now go only to the ankle, and in order to be manly, they gotta go up the calve and...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2012:

Those researchin' folks have now found

teen pot use is up; boozin' down!

I'm no legal beagle but...

Ain't pot illegal?

Wisdom of Drug War knows no bounds!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2012:

Headline--

"Israeli Legislation Would Make Comparisons to Nazis Illegal"

Huh?

Sheesh. The Israeli government is sure a bunch of...bad guys...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/15/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Bamboo of Love Plant

Last Valentine's Day... Well, I was broke. Although that sounds redundant to me--generally a frugal guy, since leaving my last full-time, in-office job in 2007 to go freelance (which, by the way, worked out swimmingly for 9 months or so)... Anyway, I've been marginally employed, which includes being broke, since about... Mid to late 2008? Early 2009, at best.

But I digress.

Anyway, despite the empty pockets, I wanted to get SOMETHING nice for M'Lady, which was further complicated by the fact that she also has a February birthday. So I did my typical combo of writing and/or poetry and/or crafting and/or drawing, but also wanted to get something material and...thus I bought a heart-shaped bamboo plant at the drugstore, among other things.

Not only did it save money, but seemed a better alternative to flowers to me because it was different. Not to mention the type of gift that keeps on giving, as they say, as you can keep a plant like that going indefinitely. Bamboo is relatively low-maintenance, as plants go, to boot.

This plant was actually two plants, each kinda hook-shaped, thus when put together they formed a heart. (Awww...) A red bow, red base and a plastic, red heart thingie complemented the package.

I'm continually amazed at how Life works as an author, tossing out its own symbolism with seeming randomness. See, M'Lady, or more properly now ex-M'Lady, flew the coop in July.

Now, I'm not the type who excises everything about an ex- from my life as a way of moving on with life. In fact, I'm just the opposite--when I quit drinking, for instance, I went out of my way to hang out in bars and such as a way of using confidence, rather than fear, as my weapon. So when I go through a break-up... Well, some things are trashed. But little gifts and things I keep. I try to objectively analyze them and, if I have a reason for keeping them, sentimentality aside, I do. I even court SOME sentimentality. That is, I won't trash/burn notes and other keepsakes necessarily, keeping some in folders or whatever as personal history tokens.

So regarding the bamboo... I like plants and have what they call a "green thumb." So I kept it. Oh, I trashed the bow and such, separated the stalks so they didn't form a heart. But I kept it and cared for it.

For some reason, one of the stalks dried out and died. I kept tending it in its dried state for a bit, as sometimes plants surge back to life but... Just had to toss it eventually.

So my bamboo plant went from two in a heart to one stalk, after ex-M'Lady left me, and the remaining stalk is thriving...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2012:

To mark this day of the Great Martin...

Be somber? No, party! Go tartin'!

Tap tail interracial--

eb'ny-iv'ry facial?

That's real harmony-piece kick-startin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!...

We have a dream... Well, one in addition to that filthy one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2012:

Those who, for career, write or edit

find livelihoods taking a 'Net hit--

jobs pay...maybe down the line.

Work for us, nose to grind!

For work we'll give you--wow!--credit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2012:

So.

U.S. Marines urinating on Afghan corpses.

Now, we shouldn't have to tell folks this but... Who needs a conscience anymore when there are CAMERAS FREAKIN' EVERYWHERE, folks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2012:

Some Yank troops took devil-may-care

too far--Afghan corpse dis did dare!

Marked with pee from Johnsons!

Dudes... Who now needs a conscience--

with cams lit'rally EVERYWHERE!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2012:

So, certain TV stations cater to a niche by showing shows from decades ago.

At the same time, these stations follow the typical network grind, re-running shows from one "season" during periods like, oh, winter. Despite the fact that they have many years of these shows' catalogs.

So what does it say about someone to be thus watching re-runs of re-runs?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2012:

It's birthday--Edgar Allan Poe!

Pour glass of Amontillado

for Raven-haired temptress--

her Tell-Tale Heart, impressed...

Pendulum in Pit of that ho'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2012:

The bloggers and such like to preach

'Net puts First 'Mendment in all's reach!

Bash Man? Whole world's eye's on ya'!

Man? With ease, spies on ya'...

'Net's REALLY plus for Free Speech?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2012:

Headline--

"Wahlberg Sorry for 9/11 Comment"

While little hubbub accompanied it, last year also marked the 10th Anniversary of celebs making--and apologizing for--stupid 9/11 comments...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2012:

A horny old millionaire gent

planned out his estate's disbursement

when to Sky's Great Wheel'd go.

Left mistress a dildo--

as last Willie and testament!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2012:

Whew, boy... Light news content today...or "news" content, anyway... Still comin' off the Edgar Allan Poe Birthday festivities... Oh our aching...muse?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2012:

Last year we marked 10 trips 'round sun

since Trade Center hit left world stunned!

Wahlberg's new un-wisecracking

marks 10, too, retracting

stars' dumb words 'bout 9-11!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2012:

The leader of a left-wing Polish political party threatened to spark-up a joint in Parliament and.. Hmmmm.

How many Polocks does it take to spark-up a joint in Parliament?

He hee.

Hey. We can get away with that. Chief Limericist being a quarter-Polock and all...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/22/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Won't You Ride in My Little Red Wagon..."

"...Sit proud for the whole world to see/

Won't you ride in my little red wagon, for you are my sweetheart to be!"

Those there are lyrics to an old song. I'm not entirely sure I got 'em completely right, but you get the idea.

The idea being that I'm now the proud owner of a little red wagon. Not of the automotive variety, but of the for-kids variety. Hard plastic now, whereas they were once metal. But the same concept. Pull the wagon around to transport your...baseball bats, fishing gear, little brother?

I received the wagon as a birthday gift. (As a side note, it's a real bitch to not only assemble those things, but to follow the confusing, part-pictogram instruction sheet for doing so as well.) I'd actually put a wagon on my verbal birthday wish list, for use in transporting my barbecue grill to the lake, as the city has cracked-down on barbecuing on porches and in alleys recently.

While my birthday comes in May, I haven't yet been able to use my wagon for its originally intended use. Won't retread my hellish past summer here (see the Archives), but let's just say I didn't make it out to the lake at all for Summer 2011.

But My Little Red Wagon has proved indispensable for many tasks. Such as bringing 40-pound bags of cat litter home from the pet store and transporting grocery loads.

I'd previously transported such things with those grocery carts that are prevalent in urban areas, referred to by some as "granny carts" due to one key sales demographic. I owned one at one point but destroyed it by overloading. I unofficially owned a second one as well, but it was officially owned by an ex-, live-in M'Lady and... Well, as quoth the Raven.

Oddly enough, after assembling My Little Red Wagon, it took a week or so before I decided upon putting it to use as a litter/grocery transport, thinking, "Next summer I'm bound to get in some lakeside grilling" and leaving it at that.

See... Well, an adult male navigating Chicago streets with a little red wagon? Seemed silly.

Then the thought occurred to me... So what?

Yeah, I get some snickers. I see people pointing. But I'm also sure that some of the feminine persuasion find it kinda "cute." And... Again, so what?

So if you live or frequent Chicago, or ever visit, be on the lookout for a fully grown, adult male wheeling around a little red wagon with his wares. If you're lucky, I may just offer--

"Won't you ride in My Little Red Wagon..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2012:

Not proud of it, but...no regret.

Commercial caused Male Stuff upset--

"Wet, spread seed..." ad states.

Well, that is just great--

now turned-on by damn Chia Pet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Chinese New Year!...

Oh, that's right... Cheeze is absent in traditional Asian cuisine... Happy Extra Spicy Chinese New Year!... (Hold the MSG)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2012:

Page-a-day desktop cals help wade my way

through morn--Christmas wish list, in-play mainstay.

But I might be redneck if...

Mom gave me as a gift

"...Might Be a Redneck If..." page-a-day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2012:

So... Are more than 1 billion people now having a hard time remembering to write, "Year of the Dragon" on their checks?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2012:

Wishing death for "reality's" run

for TV, old programs bring me fun!

But why do those stations

match network liaisons--

with seasons of reruns...of reruns?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2012:

There's a large subset of the Snacking Community that's gaga over cold pizza.

Many not only enjoy a slice straight from the fridge, but even claim that it tastes BETTER cold than fresh and piping hot.

Other subsets make the same claim for other items, such as fried chicken. Maybe it's because the grease kinda sets in and solidifies, becoming almost buttery.

Well we'd like to introduce popcorn to that mix.

Now, when we talk popcorn, we talk the straight stuff. Popped with oil in a pot. Nearly as simple to make as the newfangled microwave stuff. Yeah, there's the matter of dishes to wash, but the superior taste makes it worth it. And, if you make a large pot, it's actually just as quick, if not quicker, than microwaving the same amount via bags.

How's THAT for an entry in keeping with the Wednesday "Food" theme? Thought we were makin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers go cold turkey from it.

Speaking of cold bird... Now we're gettin' hungry...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2012:

One question 'bout news I can't shake--

left-wing Polish gov rep on make

pushed for pot laws lenient--

sparked-up in Parliament...

"How many Polocks does it take?..."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2012:

So the Chicago Sun-Times, via an editorial, has announced that it will no longer be endorsing political candidates.

It seem the editorial board considered the fact that newspaper endorsements don't appear to sway many voters and, in this day and age... So they've just figured this out NOW?

Who do they think they are? The Catholic Church?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2012:

For New Year's, each 'pon life, reflects.

New goals, plans... Oft leaves one quite vexed!

Since China's just getting to

theirs... Folks forgetting to

write "Year of Dragon" on checks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2012:

In perusing news about a study finding that narcissism harms men's health, we find this quote from professional studier of things Sara Konrath--

"There may be a cost to jerkiness."

This is earth-shattering news. We're simply floored that we're not hearing more about it.

Do you know what this means?

Negatives? To being an asshole? Why this contradicts bedrock science governing male-female relations throughout the history of Humankind!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2012:

An artiste named Dino, from Pisa,

'd'tell chicks, "I must paint you!--the greasa'!--

to get 'em undressin',

then'd paint their expressions...

Was best known for, "The Moanin' Lisa"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2012:

We keep seeing these online ads about needy folks in Third World countries, urging folks to, "Volunteer abroad!"

Okay, we'll take a shot. How about...Joan Rivers?... Alright, any or all of the Kardashians.

Take our Kardashians--PLEASE, take our Kardashians!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2012:

New study on narcissists gist be...

For males, health, a negative twist sees.

HUGE news--no mere quirk!

A downside for jerks?

This contradicts all Human Hist'ry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2012:

For the first time today, the National Football League's Pro Bowl will allow players to twit during the game.

In fact, the NFL will actually encourage the practice, banned during real...er, regular games, by setting-up computers on the sidelines for that usage.

So the most worthless game in all of football teaming with Twitter.

It really makes perfect sense...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/29/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Living the Dream...of My Third-Grade Teacher

For a host of reasons, Third Grade was a high point of my elementary school career. Memories of that time are, of course, less than complete, but I have a slew of great ones from that particular grade. Part of the reason was that my boyhood best friend, Jimmy, was in my class for the last time that year, as a move brought him to another Crystal Lake, Ill. school for Fourth Grade. Coupled with the fact that memories grow more clear with later kid-dom... Well, that alone COULD explain it.

But there was more to it. I had a ball with Jibe's Tribe, which is what my teacher, Mrs. Jibe, dubbed the class. I still recall the label on the cooler thingie in which we stored our lunches. (Now, her real name isn't/wasn't "Jibe," since names are changed to protect the innocent from my sleazy site, but it DID rhyme with "tribe.")

I've thought a lot lately about Mrs. Jibe. Especially regarding the class' "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up" assignment. I honestly don't remember what I was shooting for at the time. A football player, perhaps? I know I was thinking astronomer when I did a Fourth Grade version... Anyway, Mrs. Jibe was upset upon learning I wanted to be a...football player, or whatever.

"That's disappointing, John. I'd always hoped you'd become an actor."

See, I'd played one of the lead roles our class play, "The Sly of Slippery Sam." (It's possible I have the name wrong, as "The Sly" seems goofy but... For some reason, I think that was indeed the title.) That role being Slippery Sam. I was the villain in the old-fashioned, hero-villain-damsel in distress offering.

I remember the face of the guy who played the hero, in my version. (We had two casts and two separate performances.) He had that chiseled-looking face and his chubbiness lent to a puffed-chest look...always good for a Dudley Do-Right-esque hero. Great casting.

I don't remember much of the play, of course. I do recall feeling tingly, even then, tying the heroine, Karen (whom I young-boy lusted for) to the prop railroad tracks. I still remember my final line... After all of Slippery Sam's terrible crimes, upon littering in a park, he's finally apprehended by the hero... "Foiled by a paper cup!"

My parents have film, somewhere, of the play and the...after-party, of sorts. That consisted mostly of my shooting my "pistol" at everyone...playfully nailing other kids with a stream of water.

There was some behind-the-scenes drama involved, concerning Jimmy and I, but I'm at a loss regarding details. I THINK maybe he wanted to be the villain and I beat him out?... Or was he the OTHER villain, and one crew was seen as first-string (mine) and the other as second-string (his)? Maybe he ended up playing the other hero?

Oh well. Our friendship survived, despite some friendly rivalry. We were both of the opinion that the villain role trumps the hero, hands down.

Mrs. Jibe confided in me later, saying I was the better of the villains. Which means... Well, she might've said that to BOTH of us. She didn't seem like the sort who'd normally tell one third-grader he was better than another... But I had the distinct impression that she sincerely believed that, thinking I was indeed good enough that she'd mildly breach teacher ethics by actually telling me so, perhaps as a way of encouraging that career path. She did make the claim with the understanding that it was confidential.

I've been thinking about this lately because... I won't relate my career history here, but suffice it to say that I set myself on a writer's career path by junior high, obtained a degree in journalism, thrived in that until... Well, Internet, near-death of print journalism, etc. Having always been more interested in creative writing and humor, did some stand-up for the hell of it along the way, enter the Great Recession, leading me to such things as Craig's List "talent" ads to make some extra scratch, as I'd accumulated many moons of performing experience and... Well.

This weekend, a well-paying dinner theater production opened, with me as one of the troupe. (See Sloop Central for more details.) This time I'm actually playing a good guy, but considering it's a parody... Well, the rules Jimmy and I agreed upon, with the villain trumping the hero... The comedy angle changes the equation a bit. I'm more than cool with this part. And I get a phony gun again, too!

So after all these decades, I somehow stumbled into making Mrs. Jibe proud...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2012:

Banned in NFL gridiron pit,

for Pro Bowl, they let players twit!

So... Worthless, dull game...

Twitter's Hall of Lame...

By Jove, why, it's the perfect fit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2012:

So, turns out that part of the reason for Demi Moore's playin' the old Rehab Card stems from her smoking a barely legal, pot substitute substance known as Spice.

Kinda says something about our drug policy when the synthetic version of a banned substance is fifty times more dangerous, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2012:

So Demi Moore's hospital fuss?

Fake, legal "pot"--main breakdown thrust!

What's said of drug policy?

Legal form of banned be

50 times more dangerous?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2012:

A new study out of Stony Brook University finds that those walking and talking and/or texting on cell phones walk slower and more crooked than those not engaging in such activities.

Thanks, studiers of things. Really, what would we do without you?...

 

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