Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2012:

"Your Body's a Temple"--sublime

code ancient I live! Yet, do mind,

though temple begs caring for,

meant to use--open door!

Steam-up stained glass, time to time!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2012:

We've told ourselves that we'd lay off the bashing of traditional media--specifically, the hilarious ways they employ to be hip and compete in a vastly changed media landscape.

Well... Sometimes we can't help it.

Now, we still turn to newspapers, specifically the Chicago Sun-Times, to bring us in-depth reporting and to touch on real news stories that are missed amid the rest of the scene.

Recently, the Sun-Times has been at it again. (Cue the Laurel & Hardy and/or Three Stooges theme.) This past week, the paper unveiled a regular column...by local celebrities.

To compete. You know, bring us something "different."

(Sigh.)

Thus, we're now able to read literary masterworks every weekday by the genius likes of Jim Belushi and Jenny McCarthy.

Yes, it's not a new observation for us that modern newspaper antics belong in the Hall of Lame.

But, seriously, we think newspapers deserve their own wing in that Hall of Lame.

Hell, just their dying throes, 21st Century misadventures alone could fill that wing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2012:

A sneaky perv pulled-out his dick at

a dark bar, 'neath his trusty trick hat!

In came bachelorette party;

spaced, stood--and soon, had he,

more fun than could shake his stick at!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2012:

Before we close out May, as we've just honored those who've died fighting for our freedoms... Perhaps this weekend we can commemorate those who've died...onstage, using that Freedom of Speech that's been so honorably defended...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2012:

Last weekend, Memor'yal engaged--

marked those lost in wars Freedom waged.

This weekend, let's honor all

victims of Free Speech call--

who've died on comedy stage!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2012:

Headline--

"Radioactive Bluefin Tuna Crossed Pacific to U.S."

Explains a lot regarding the taste of Subway's offerings...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/3/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Locked Out!

In early May, I was subjected to a Sinking Feeling that's, unfortunately, all too familiar.

I was indeed responsible for causing that Sinking Feeling. While it's rare, I being a well-organized sort, that familiar Sinking Feeling is well remembered because... Well, it's so damn awful.

Standing at the entrance to my home, discovering I left my keys inside and locked the door.

I only recall it happening two other times, at least in my current home, and... I'm pretty damn sure it's happened at other of my abodes, but can't think of any offhand... Guess it's possible it didn't happen before this place, as I'm the type who always puts his keys in the same place and... (Shudder.)

I was also once locked-out of The Artist Formerly Known as M'Lady's place, when she lived in a building next door--which I discovered upon returning her dogs after walking them for her, meaning I had to bring those dogs back to my place, which at the time was occupied by a roommate/renter who moved-in with the understanding that there'd only be my two cats with which to deal.

Last month, those dogs were involved in the equation yet again. Yeah, that Artist has long since moved out with her dogs and dis-engaged me, but I was paid to watch them while she vacationed and... Something about holding two leashes, making sure to grab poop bags, etc., confuses me, especially since it's no longer part of my normal routine and... Locked-out.

Another lockout was detailed in a Sunday Story Time serialized tale about a former derelict roommate. For that ordeal, there was technically somebody still in the house, but he was whacked outta his skull on painkillers and couldn't hear the buzzer and... Anyway. That one's related elsewhere.

I have friends with spare keys. I don't recall it coming to that--mostly have dealt with the lockouts by waiting and adjusting as best I can, as I did by bringing the dogs to my place when I was locked-out of Former M'Lady's.

This last time? I was freakishly able to push through my building's main entryway and then... Sorta busted my way in. Unbelievably, managed to work that in a way where only minor repairs were needed, as opposed to needing a whole new door, but... Still, an unnecessary, and unwelcome, expense.

Even worse than any costs involved is the feeling of... Well, the feeling of being a dumb-ass.

I know I'm not the only cat out there who's locked himself out of his place. In fact, it seems many, if not most others have done it more often than I have.

One of the stranger, kick-in-the-taint factors of the whole experience, for me anyway, is the fact that, in most every incidence, I realized what I'd done right after shutting the door behind me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2012:

That "23 B," Krysten Ritter?

For my "type"--seems far from a fitter!

Yet something about her...

Those Life Logic flouters--

I crave her like she's apple fritter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy...Full moon?...

(Is it really slacking when it requires so much creativity?)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2012:

Post-nuke leak in Japanese nation,

find tuna full of radiation!

Of course it's quite frigt'ning

yet also enlight'ning--

explains Subway's strange taste "sensations"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2012:

Headline--

"Gunman Attacks Shoppers in Food Court"

Just what the hell is it about fast food that's so darn... Shoot-up-able?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2012:

Ya' trying to date--finding woes?

Other single folks? Where'd they go?

Tip--judging by "new" TV

most were hauled off by the

"reality" dating shows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2012:

Why is it assumed that someone has to be a "dog person" OR a "cat-person"?

Really, can't someone just be a pet lover or animal person?

Sheesh.

We'd say something about humanity's need to separate people into "us and them" groups, but that makes us feel a bit hippie, and we don't feel like dropping everything to run out and hug a tree...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2012:

So this time, Canadian dude

found food court shoot-up fit his mood...

Life stressed--folks go bust!

Yet what throw's me's... Just

what the hell is up with fast food?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2012:

After decades of national fascination with true crime-ish TV shows... Are there any crooks left who DON'T wipe fingerprints from the crime scene and/or wear gloves to commit crimes?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2012:

On crime shows, the public's been weaned--

since 'least "Perry Mason," that's been!

So in modern times

are there ANY crimes

where crooks DON'T wipe prints from the scene?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2012:

Big cause for celebration today, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

We have it on good authority that... Okay, we have it on good enough authority that today marks the 216th Anniversary of the Invention of Ice Cream!

So go out and... Have a Ring Ding. No, go out and eat some damned ice cream, ya' ass clowns!...

And we think that the 216th Anniversary is the... Sprinkles Anniversary, to boot!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2012:

Today's Holiday by design--

a skip-the-b.s. Valentine's!

Good Cupid shoots south!

Spread by word-of-mouth--

all honor and hail The Six-Nine!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Sixty-Nine Day!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2012:

Big-boobed Anne was sick of the flirtin'--

leave house, and the guy swarm was certain!

Though knew most had less--

was gratefully blessed...

Oft found puppies as breasts of burden!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2012:

About a week ago, New York Fuhrer Michael Bloomberg announced his crusade against...large-sized soda pop sales.

And you may be wondering why it took DL/S&Y so long to freak about it.

Well... (Sigh.)

Daily Limerick has been around for almost 13 years now. Way back, when everyone was frothing at the mouth, cheering on the increasing push to burn smokers at the stake and/or confine them to the top of Mount Everest, we TOLD YOU SO.

And, no, we don't "hate to say it."

We told you so. And are quite proud of the fact, if a little... (Sigh.)

Just bend over and ready yourselves for the law requiring daily servings of fruits and vegetables.

Joking again? Only for...what, a few years?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/10/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Boy...Girl...Boy...Girl...

...Is an interesting concept for a Sunday Story Time.

I'll make a mental note of that as, like the Boy-Girl arrangement, this One Week Off-One Week On rhythym's workin' kinda cool... So see ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2012:

Large soda ban? Bloomberg's the stirrer

of Master Health Race stew--now purer!

I've long been nay-sayer--

he's Godawful mayor--

but sure makes one hell of a Fuhrer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2012:

So, with every level of government flittering toward complete and utter financial ruin, from the Federal on through the states and into cities and municipalities, Republican Wisconsin governor Scott Walker goes after the sweet deals of government union workers...and becomes a Tea Party darling, hated by the "progressives" and Democrats.

Chicago Fuhrer Rahm Emanuel, a "Democrat," starts kicking city union workers in the nuts...and he still enjoys high approval ratings in the Democratic stronghold.

Get yourself a donkey coat and you can set homosexuals on fire--while still remaining a "liberal" darling!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2012:

"Hatfields and McCoys"--TV's tried

to capture lore with U.S. pride!

Filmed right in...Romania?"

How's "Buy U.S."--'splain, can ya'?--

movement let Hollywood slide?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2012:

Nothing like an e-mail virus to reconnect you with old friends!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2012:

Last Friday, as June sun gained steam,

saw huge Birthday--yay!--for... Ice cream!

So... Eat some! And etiquette?

Seeking a gift to fit?

Sprinkles mark Big 216!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2012:

The other day caught Todd Bridges as a very young child actor on the old show, "Barney Miller."

Played a lil' criminal. Locked-up and all.

Funny how things like that happen, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2012:

Yay! Word from old pal, way back when!

Links...shilling Cialis she sends?

Come far since papyrus--

nothing like e-virus

to reconnect you with old friends!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2012:

Funny, but while our sports fandom doesn't include basketball--except, of course, fair weather/playoff fandom occasionally for the Chicago Bulls... Well, we're suddenly total Oklahoma City Thunder fanatics...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2012:

Though basketball's far from fave game,

now HUGE Thunder fan! Go! Rename

the Miami Heat

to "Miami Beat"--

keep throne 'way from King Ego James!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2012:

While all the pundits are still analyzing the results of Wisconsin's recall election...we're thinkin' that slimeball John Edwards is wishin' he could call a recall erection!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2012:

Girl sunning, on tummy, near ocean,

asked fella to help with her lotion.

Squirt, rub...on her back...

Then squirt...by butt crack--

which followed quite curious motion!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2012:

So the State of Arizona's Department of Public Transportation is asking residents to contribute with slogans about driving safely during dust storms known as haboobs.

He hee.

Ahem.

What they're specifically asking for is...haiku.

(Sigh.)

Just more anti-Limerick discrimination.

Seriously, with a word like "haboob" you're asking for HAIKU?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2012:

It's Fathers Day, date meant for a show of

thanks to dads--paternalist bro' love!

I'll mark it in style--

perhaps get bit wild--

'though I'm not a dad...that I know of!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Father's Day!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/17/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Week of Appreciating the Telegraph

It was a week in late May, this year, where I had a slew of things to coordinate, mostly for the coming weekend.

The condo association had given the "all clear" to install the air conditioners for the year--and the coming weekend was forecast as a real roaster. Thus, while it is doable for one person to carry them up from storage, across an alley and up the stairs--then place and balance them in the windows (I've done it before)... Well, it's less than ideal. Perhaps even dangerous, what with having to place bricks and boards to steady them and... Well, those things are freakin' heavy! And they have to be jiggered into place just right.

A friend told me he'd help with the air conditioners, feeling he sorta "owed" me, as I'm letting him store some stuff in my storage unit. I saw him early in the week, mentioned the coming weekend swelter...but left it at that.

I'm still seeking a renter/roommate to afford my condo, so there were appointments of interested parties to coordinate. And the every-other-month bug exterminator was "tentatively" scheduled for Saturday. You're fined if you're unable to let the guy in for two consecutive sprayings--which was my situation. So, of course, I wanted to know if I needed to be there Saturday morning/afternoon. (Conveniently, he's usually scheduled for 11 a.m., but is often late, so practically speaking you need to free up the 11 a.m.-2 p.m. window.)

Then there's this new theater troupe I'm involved with. We're trying to open a production real soon, but with more than a dozen roles, it proved tough to coordinate a rehearsal schedule. So one of the actors hooked us up on a calendar-deal Web site. Everyone logs in, enters the days of the week and times they're available and... Voila!

I think I'm forgetting an extra thing or two I was trying to coordinate but... You get the idea.

So Monday of that week... Called my friend about the air conditioners. Left a message. Left another.

E-mailed the association about the "tentative" pest control appointment.

Waited for fellow troupe members to fill out their schedules.

Continually e-mailed three or four knuckleheads interested in renting but continually making appointments then putting them off, to be eventually rescheduled.

So I kept my weekend wide open, free of fun time, for...no rehearsal and one potential renter to visit the place--and not one of the back-and-forthers.

Thursday, was informed there would be no bug spray, after scheduling things around that all week.

Friday, my potential AC helper finally called to say he couldn't help until the following week. I called another friend, but having only a day's heads-up... Was a lot of fun putting in those ACs myself. Good exercise--and the brick that fell down two stories luckily didn't hit anybody.

And the rehearsal scheduling? Let's just say our first "new schedule" rehearsal occurred on the second weekend of June.

I'll remind you that, other than myself, the last man on earth without cell phone--but one who nonetheless checks e-mail many times per day, returns messages promptly, etc., etc.--all of these people have phones and computers and tablet computers with e-mail and phone capacity all the time, wherever they go.

My near-AC-helper, in fact, mentioned that he was largely in a basement recording for a few days, where he didn't get cell phone reception. You'd suppose that, knowing that, one would check messages more often but... Pfft.

Today, folks get a call/e-mail/whatever and figure, "I'll get to that...later. After all, I'm always connected and always able to be in touch! What's the hurry?"

Way back, the philosophy was, "I received a letter/call/telegraph! How exciting! I'll get to that right away!"

So I'm now seriously thinking we should just toss out all this new technology and go back to the freakin' telegraph...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2012:

Though hip thing's now recall elections,

'd'guess John Edwards, upon reflection's,

consid'ring his deeds done

and where it did lead 'em--

he'd go for a recall erection!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2012:

So role model rapper Chris Brown got in a fight with rapper Drake and his people at a New York club.

So far, non-newsworthy.

But here's what has us scratching our collective heads--

According to an AP story on the matter, after some trash talking, Brown went to leave the club and "five men blocked his way on the dance floor and started taking off their shirts and yelling."

We're unsure what to make of this shirt removal business. Are rappers' posses so large they automatically go into a shirts-and-skins thing to avoid confusion?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2012:

Ar'zona seeks free poems from rubes--

stoke 'wareness; dust storms called "haboobs"!

So... Haiku's the gimmick?

Screams out, "Job for Lim'rick!"--

with word like, "haboob," muse is lubed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2012:

One of the Chicago local alt pubs is running a series on bars. The last edition covered those with the better/more popular karaoke offerings.

Which is really convenient. You wanna steer clear of the possibility of that disaster...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2012:

Drake, Chris Brown--peeps fought. No-shock dirt.

But news says they first...removed shirts?

Now... What's up with THAT?

Don't get pop-rap frat...

Was fight just "bi-curious" flirt?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Summer! (As of 18:09 CST, anyway)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2012:

How helpful--the "Bar Guide" that graces

last alt-weekly. Kar'yoke spaces!

Helps me avoid error--

won't chance that sheer terror!

At all costs, steer clear of those places!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2012:

So the newest sports video game features... The Lingerie Football League?

As a guy who's done all sorts of, er...less than honorable things in the name of a little turn-on, it's nice when these stories come along to help one think, "Guess I'm not THAT pathetic, after all"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2012:

Turn-on? Lingerie Football's tame

in 'Net Age. Now... Video game?

Feel-good! My male bouts of

cheap thrills I ain't proud of?

Now feel less pathetically lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2012:

So Sofia Vergara's boyfriend, Nick Loeb, reportedly engaged in some hooker orgies.

Who the hell does he think he is--a member of the Secret Service?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2012:

A Wendy's grunt chick needed loot--

sold drive-thru sex (for she was cute)!

Since most johns she'd do

bought some fast food, too,

she dubbed herself a Frosty-tute!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2012:

Headline--

"In Plea, Lawyer Admits to Being a Prostitute"

Really, it's... Oh, we're gonna have to file this in the "Too Easy a Target" file...

Happy Extra Cheezy First Saturday of Summer!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2012:

With all eyes now on the June Bride,

she'll soon be joined by long-denied!

Full rights won't long tarry

for all gay to marry--

June Bride's now engaged to June's Pride!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Pride Day!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/24/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: What I Did on My Summer Vacation

I'm working on the entry behind today's title.

Currently researching... See ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2012:

Sofia Vergara's liaison

of love--Nick Loeb--did, on occasion,

swing 'ho orgies! Fink!

Just who does he think

he is--a Secret Service agent?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2012:

Bring on the dancing girls!...

What? Why? Well, we're officially...halfway to Christmas!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2012:

Was cur'yous--the headline did tease me.

A lawyer...and prostitute? Sleazy!

So as I read through it

thought came... Naw, won't do it--

can't fire at a target THAT easy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2012:

So this Joe the Plumber joker, apparently a political candidate now, equates gun control with the Holocaust--that it wouldn't have happened if Jews were allowed guns and... As you can imagine, Hubbub Central has arose.

I do have to give Joe some major credit here, though. In the Twitter Age, where everybody and their brothers sound off in a split second without thinking twice... Joe's went old school and made a total jackass out of himself the old fashioned way!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2012:

In Jackass Age--Twitter away;

don't think first!--Joe Plumber, must say,

hit top of World Jackass News,

babbling 'bout guns and Jews--

old school, like back in the day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2012:

Learned of a local business named... "Om on the Range."

Still can't imagine why our Chief Limericist is ashamed to admit he's done yoga as exercise for many moons...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2012:

Most serving as pet father-mothers

pick "dog-" or "cat person," per druthers.

Divisive we get

o'er all. Can't love...pets?

Like politics--one side or other?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2012:

Deep in our hearts, we're optimists here at DL.

So despite it being a receptacle for bills and old-fashioned spam and rejection slips, we try to focus on what those rejection slips could be and... Aw, hell.

Mailbox, our asses! It's a Bad News Box.

Got a postcard from my 12-year-old nephew, vacationing with my sister and family, about to enter...(shudder)... SANDUSKY...Ohio!... NOOOOOOO!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2012:

Postcard's news? Felt hit by a bus-ky!

From young nephew--skinny, non-husky.

Niagara Falls bound

neared Ohio town

with sinister name of...SANDUSKY!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2012:

When you keep something as a memento, despite the fact that it was given you by a not-so-savory sort...you call it a "creepsake"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2012:

A fella threw on a French tickler

and got down to workin' his prickler...

But post-climax cuddle

was ruined, quite unsubtle,

when French tickler proved a...French Trickler!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2012:

This was originally conceived as an outrageous insult. You know, a slur so exaggerated that it couldn't, of course, be literally true.

See, as a blow-off, on days where Writer's Block leads to slacker S&Y entries, we'd been planning our typical summer words of, er, "wisdom"--"It's not the heat...it's the stupidity"--when it got us to thinkin' that... Well, we've reached a new milestone in... Well, I'd argue De-Evolution, but will stick with Evolution, to keep things simple.

Now, maybe we need a brand new term for this, but some people and ideas have now reached the pinnacle of... stupidity's equivalent of "genius"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

Ya' (likely) dumb-ass!...

 

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