Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2012:

Kids have allergies--fine and well.

But Claritan's ads for that sell?...

Kids chant sell-out jingle...

Brings dark shiv'ry tingle!

It's still DRUG--and creepy as hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2012:

May Day! May Day! Bombardier to pilot, bombardier to pilot! May Day!...

Sorry. We just always wanted some excuse to say, er, type that...

Happy Extra Cheezy May Day! Apparently has many meanings to many, so...protest or give flowers or just dance around the May Pole!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2012:

Though headline term's b-baller's bent bid

at name change--hed's 'bout game foul. Splendid

insight unexplained!

News fitting refrain

that headline of, "World Peace Suspended"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2012:

The United States' House (of Representatives) Oversight and Government Reform Committee is brainstorming ways of putting more women into the Secret Service ranks, as a possible way of preventing stuff like the recent Prostitution Fest.

That's one way of looking at it.

But there's good AND bad with this whole equality thing, of course. Sure you've noticed the preponderance of woman-on-boy statutory rape in recent years.

Of course, we're sure that South and Central American male prostitutes could use some extra work, too...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2012:

Are you up on your Poets Laureate?

If not, brush-up--now! I implore! See fit!

Might find free verse, elitist,

overly serious...

More properly, Poets Snore-eate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2012:

A nutty alternative political party in Germany has enjoyed such success that it has gained seats in state legislatures.

It's called the Pirate Party and, in the U.S. Occupy tradition, it doesn't have a whole lot in the way of a detailed platform.

Its name derives from its Number One priority, ending copyright.

Now, as writers here at DL, we've talked about this Internutty ideal before.

But the Pirate Party also calls for government to pay everyone a salary, whether or not they actually work.

Well, then. Perhaps if you chowderheads pass the latter first, we can explore the workability of the former...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2012:

The Feeding Tube Diet? Me oh my! Get

this--fad now. Really! Brides-to-be try it!

This whackdoodle craze would not

be if the other hot

trend weren't the... Feeding TROUGH Diet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2012:

Ahh, spring! The time when a young man's fancy turns to...barbecue!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2012:

There was a wee Cub Scout named Kent.

On overnight campout, he went.

Fled home, from disaster,

when noted, Scout Master,

a'pitchin' the wrong kind of "tent"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2012:

Feliz Cinco de Mayo (con Mucho Queso)!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2012:

Spring time--when 'neath warm sun above,

young man's fancy turns to thoughts of--

with snow and cold ended--

life's wonders most splendid--

the marvel of...barbecue love!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2012:

So Patricia Kentcil has been charged with allowing her six-year-old to partake of services at the tanning salon she frequents and... Granted, the salon owner vouches that the child only waited for her there, so it's not a clear case... But.

Where, oh where in the U.S. is this happening?

New Jersey.

Not just New Jersey, but Nutley, New Jersey.

He hee.

Were this not news, and you made up this tale as part of a joke, you'd be accused of stereotyping.

Just LOOK at the woman, for Elvis' sake...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/6/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...Is still dancing around the May Pole.

See ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2012:

Secret Service stunts make Feds queasy--

but Congress thinks one fix is easy!

Hire more chicks! But "progress" means

more dames nabbed, sex with teens...

"Equal," too, means chicks more sleazy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2012:

So the National Association of Black Journalists has seen fit to award Beyonce a first-place prize for features for an article she wrote for Essence.

How convenient for them. Much like how People lucks out every year with their "50 Most Beautiful People" hackery--the winners all happen to be ridiculously famous and in the spotlight already, making the search of all the people on Earth so much easier!

So with all the unknowns out there today, struggling to make a name as writers and other artists... Well.

Hollywood's known as being all liberal, right? Well think about some of the major protest points of today...then consider what the Entertainment Industries are doing--

The famous get more famous, while the struggling just struggle more...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2012:

So cliche now, journ'lists, means zero--

folks save lives and set aside fear. Oh,

"hero" tag they shun!

Will be NEWS when one

says, "Hell, yeah! I sure AM a hero!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2012:

Francois Hollande won France's presidency, ousting incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy.

But that's not the biggest news to us. What is?

Voter turnout was 81 percent.

Unheard of in the U.S., at least since Ben Franklin died.

Anybody care for some crow with those Freedom Fries...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2012:

German Pirate Party's no quirk!

Won government seats touting perk--

end copyright? I'm on page

if with match scheme--gov. wage,

all, whether or not they work!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2012:

Many of the once world-changing inventions we take for granted today arose by accident.

For example... Why, the other night, I was nibbling on a hard pretzel, then popped a Tootsie Roll and... Delicious combo!

I imagine there are some great snack recipes to be derived from the pairing but... The lazy man's way? Nibble one, pop the other; repeat as desired.

Thomas Edison would be proud...or maybe jealous...on, or the other...or both...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2012:

French 'lection for president prize--

80 percent-plus turnout! Why

dwarves U.S. votes! So

would you like some crow

with your serving of "Freedom Fries"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2012:

The other night, caught a rerun of a fave old show, "Perry Mason," and it was...in color?

The writing, acting, tone, etc. of the show seemed on par with its norm. But somehow... Just disturbing.

Oddly enough, since such reruns generally run consecutively, we were steeling ourselves for color episodes into the near future but, the very next night... A black-and-white episode?

Admittedly, a big relief.

Sometimes, the answers ARE just black-and-white...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2012:

Beyonce--one more hat to juggle!

Journ'lism award?... What the fuggle!

Lib'ral Entertain-

ment World? Famous fame

grows while struggling just see...more struggle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2012:

Read a business news story the other day about consumer debt. Seems that recently Americans are taking on more credit card balance, student loans, etc.--an uptick that hasn't been happening throughout most of the troubled financial years lately.

The overall consensus among "experts" is that this is good news for the overall economy. That it is indicative of folks having confidence in the economy.

Hmmm.

Strange, but through personal experience, we take on credit card debt... Well, only when we're screwed by said economy and have no other choice.

But don't listen to us. We're certainly not "experts"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2012:

A girlie, who'd be quite a catch,

turned pirate, foregoing eye patch--

much trouble, men gave her,

so shunned that in favor

of a thick, dick-blocking snatch patch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2012:

Especially since we've been spoiled as of late around this time of year, 2012's spring sports are pretty depressing for the Windy City.

Some of our most popular teams already out of playoff contention--the Blackhawks, Bulls, Cubs...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2012:

No mom to serve ya' milk and cookies?

No mom, wife-, sis-, grand-mom? Play hooky

today? No! All moms should see

pamp'ring--find one to be

served...up as snack, "MILF and nookies"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2012:

Okay, many, many times, concepts that were once mere jokes in satirical outlets have actually come true.

And, likewise, many, many times, we've lamented the fact that protesting, aka public disobedience, now is regularly... Well, "protest permits" are apparently the new normal.

So we'll keep this simple.

Our Chief Limericist has a MAD Magazine from the '60s or '70s with a great feature called, "The Fall Campus Protest Preview."

The Chicago Sun-Times dated Friday, May 11, 2012, contains a feature, emblazoned on the side with a "NATO in Chicago" logo... "Faces of the Protest"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/13/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Grandma's Ivory

Since this is the Mother's Day Edition, I've set my mind on Brainstorm Mode for an appropriate topic, at least as I go about the day's duties, for some time.

Hey. I've been doing this almost 13 freakin' years, so my favorite mom tales have been done.

But grandmother's are moms, too, as are great grandmothers, wives and, really, my sister at this point, too. (I'll have to remember that last one next year at this time.) And recently, I was reminded of my paternal grandmother, plus a paternal great grandmother, all at once.

I was busy with some computer task, perhaps checking job sites, which is apparently my full-time job now, I raised a hand to my face, for an itch or what-have-you and... "(Sniff, sniff.) That smell takes me back..." Well.

The scent was that of Ivory soap. Bought a plenty-pack of the stuff recently, perhaps for the first time. See, I generally buy whatever's cheapest, or close-to-cheapest in a fragrance I dig, and on a recent grocery trip... Well, picked-up Ivory, there, Sherlock.

I'm no soap connoisseur. I've heard good things about Ivory, I guess, but... For whatever reason, my great grandmother would ONLY use Ivory soap. Likewise, her daughter, my grandmother (of course), followed in her Ivory-lovin' footsteps.

Funny how seemingly random cues can remind one of our mothers, be they grand or great grand or simply mothers.

Now, this is a sappy closer. But, hell...er, heck, it's Mother's Day so... Guess it shows that the ways they've influences us are, literally, in everything...

Happy Extra Cheezy Mothers Day!

(And give me extra points for not mentioning MILFs... Well, other than just now...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2012:

Consumers take debt on anew!

Experts--"Confidence this exudes

in gen'ral economy."

Strange... For me, pers'nally?

Take on debt, only when screwed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2012:

So Bristol Palin has publicly commented that the only reason President Obama is now in favor of gay marriage is that his daughters badgered him about it after watching too much of the TV show "Glee."

That's BRISTOL Palin. Not even SARAH Palin.

Now, perhaps she's confused, thinking that gay folks ain't real, only existing as TV characters and... No reason to even go there, even though this little nugget is a zing magnet.

The point is... Now, we at DL have bashed First Ladies for acting like they have some sort of power and/or were elected. So... Well.

SARAH Palin was a VICE Presidential CANDIDATE.

Bristol is merely her family-values shilling, unwed mother DAUGHTER.

I think it's safe to say that more Americans value the opinions of Uggie the Hollywood Dog over hers.

We will mention, though, that in this case, the wing-nut didn't fall far from the loose wheel...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2012:

Bristol Palin chimes in, claims "Glee's"

why Pres. backs gay marriage. Well, gee!

Who asked failed veep's...daughter?

Yet we've been re-taught here--

that nut don't fall far from the tree!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2012:

Do lesbians ever refer to themselves as "vag-etarians"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2012:

Of lesbian culture, I'm square--ring dumb.

But curious... Question, I'll dare bring one--

though obvious pun, it'd seem,

do some wry lesb'yans deem

to label selves, "vag-etarian"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2012:

Well. Guess today's Limerick resolves us of the need for eating-related content here...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2012:

Many great inventions were accidents

so speed snacking finds do have precedent--

stuff face, pretzel whole,

then pop Tootsie Roll...

Delicious inventions--by snack-cident!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2012:

Of JPMorgan's $2 billion trading loss, CE-D'oh! Jamon Dimon has issued... Well, a statement.

"There's almost no excuse for it."

Almost?

We'll give him credit, though, because... Well, most high-profile folks in situations like these issues insincere apologies.

At least Dimon MEANS his non-apology...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2012:

For News, Golden Rule's Objectivity!

Yet weather cov'rage shows proclivity

to shout out, "Hooray!"--

high 80s, mid-May--

speak for 'selves! Spring temps I'd, for bit, dig see!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2012:

Watched Leno with pops recently, home visiting the parents...Chief Limericist, here...and... Okay. I've touched on this topic before, but now it's decided.

Don't understand what the hubbub is about them, but the Kardashians are... Okay, Kim's pretty, but that's far eclipsed by the fact that... Well, that butt! To each his own and all, but that's beyond J-Lo Fully Ample. We're talkin' Aunt Bea territory.

The other two? Hideous. Beyond hideous. And you know they're dolled-up with the best lighting and makeup artists and... Let's just say that, wake up next to a Kardashian in the morning and we're talking Monster territory. And/or fear for being crushed to death by Gluteus Ridiculous.

So... Not only would I certainly kick any and all Kardashians out of my bed for eatin' cookies--but I'd never let any even near my bed, cookies or no cookies!

Nicest thing I can say about them, in fact, is that I guess I'd join Kim in her bed, solely for oral homage, if she begged me, paid me, hid that monstrosity of an ass under covers, I was allowed a thorough search ahead of time to dismantle any cameras...and I were allowed to eat cookies...

Maybe...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2012:

A big Happy Birthday to...Me!

Day's really anniversary--

emerging from female.

Life's since been a sad tale--

quest to get back IN one, mine be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2012:

Wow!

Multiple ladies of various addresses on old Memory Lane calling...e-mailing... Why, it must be that time of the year again--Hear-From-the-Exes Day!... Known to most as what's called a "birthday"...

Screw you if you want more content than that...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2012:

For me, yesterday, most would say

was "birthday"--and yet, from the way

the calls and the e-mails

poured in from the females...

To me it's "Hear from Exes Day"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2012:

So, NATO conference officially kicks-in today in Chicago. Though the conference itself is really just a sideshow.

Cops. Protesters.

Unrest. Asshole mayor.

Our advice? Leave your favorite news channel on, at least in the background, for the next couple of days.

To add a pop culture angle, in the words of a popular comics character now featured in a blockbuster film, "It's clobberin' time!"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/20/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Birthday Weekend!...

...For me, that is.

So I'm off... Oh, I don't know, dependent on weather, was thinking of flying a kite... None of your business!

Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2012:

Though mostly support protest greetings,

for Big Wigs at the NATO meetings,

I turn on TV,

bit hoping to see

entertainment via some beatings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2012:

On the day Facebook went public with its IPO, received this in attempting my dreaded, daily check-in--

"Error. Sorry, we're working on it."

Which will be a popular quote among anybody stupid enough to invest in Freeloading Time Waster Central, what with its lack of a proven money-making business plan...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2012:

Seems most guys crave Kardash'yan nookie

but think, like Ks, their brains play hooky!

'Cept Kim, all butt-ugly-

and Kim's ass? Like Aunt Bea!--

I'd kick from bed for eatin' cookies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2012:

Came across an online ad for a special exhibit at the Chicago-area Brookfield Zoo and its corporate sponsor, which read like this--

"XTreme Bugs! Invading... Dominick's... Brookfield Zoo..." Hmm.

Dominick's, for those not in-the-know, is a Chicago-area grocery store.

Now, we're no marketing geniuses, but...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2012:

'Pon corp'rate malfeasance most loose

a well-schemed "apology" ruse!

'Least Chase is sincere--

blown billions? There's mere-

ly, for that, "ALMOST no excuse"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2012:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

As a guy who's...well, not in his 20s, or 30s, let's say, who has generally been mixing with ladies who are...well, IN their 30s, or even 20s... I feel a little lax in the wallet department.

That is, can't even say I can provide a Sugar Daddy arrangement.

I've got wisdom. Experience. Oh, and plenty of sugar but... Have had a rough time, as of late, being a "Daddy" to myself.

Best I can describe it as... Well, ladies, I can be your fun, troubled, emotionally stunted... Sugar Uncle!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2012:

Day Facebook went public and shares were

for sale saw...perhaps portent bearer?

Though huge freakin' fad,

NO ONE clicks on ads...

Tried logging-in to read of..."error"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2012:

In the battle against Parkinson's disease, researchers are looking into a virus that affects tobacco plants, meaning... Well, believe it or not, smoking seems to prevent Parkinson's.

Wouldn't hold your breath waiting for the PSAs proclaiming it, however...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2012:

Though date younger women, it's bunk bill-

ing self "Sugar Daddy"--no trunk filled

with money! But double

the sugar! And troubled!

Girls, I can be your...Sugar Uncle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2012:

Seven months 'til Christmas!

Ahem.

Hey, it has ALREADY hit the 90s here in Chicago.

Plus, everybody else is either off-work, or mentally so--and we're making an attempt here...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2012:

The Sultan despised pubic hair

so harem was all waxed...down there!

Though swimming in riches,

best known for his bitches--

'cross land, known as... Brazilian-aire!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2012:

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that while I, the Chief Limericist, don't generally fawn over celebrities (there are more than enough hot-ass, non-famous chicks), nor follow new TV/movies/etc. much (with all the proven classics out there to catch-up on)... Well, there are exceptions.

For many moons, I've loved Jennifer Love Hewitt.

From afar. Although I've issued public pleas for... (Sigh.)

Well, move over JLH. Not TOO far over, as I'll always be there for you but... Well.

Krysten Ritter.

(Sigh.)

Not sure WHY I love her. Kinda feel I SHOULDN'T feel much of anything for her. One of those things a guy can't help, nor explain, so... You just acknowledge it.

But I've watched more than one episode of "The B... in Apartment 23."

(Sigh)...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and Unrequited) Saturday!...

Did I mention...(sigh)?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2012:

A Parkinson's cure? Well, hooray!

Tobacco? That keeps it away?

Might as well be joking--

don't hold breath for smoking's

encouragement through PSAs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2012:

So a new TV show's jumping in to help fight the dearth of karaoke-esque talent contests called, "Duets."

See, it's different than the zillion others because unknowns are paired and mentored with, ending up singing (oddly enough) duets with, star singers.

Including Kelly Clarkson.

So, a TV contest-created star spurs a new contest-created star (or, more likely, "star"), making the whole thing self-sustaining and... Ugh.

You know how a little thing called Artificial Intelligence raises a lot of ethical concerns, but that most folks just accept it as the way things are?

Perhaps it's time for us to come to grips with the fact that pop culture is being taken over by...Artificial Talent...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/27/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Do You Realize?...

...It's Memorial Day weekend?

Not only are we taking the edition off, but you should be out barbecuing, rather than reading this dreck, anyway!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2012:

Memorial Day--Stripes and Stars!

Praise vet'rans of wars, near and far!

Day seems to beseech

use of, say, Free Speech!

(Or 'least what's approved by HR!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2012:

"XTreme Bugs" the Web ad implores--

a sculpture exhibit and more!

No genius of marketing

but sponsor harkening

might best not be...grocery store?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2012:

So the board of Crook County (Illinois)...er, Cook County (allegedly), which includes Chicago, deep in debt and always on the lookout for more wastin' money, is seeking to sell naming rights to county properties and such, including areas of its Criminal Courts Building.

He hee. Warming up in the batter's circle here.

See... There's plenty of banks with a major area presence...drug companies... Real shame Enron's not around anymore...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2012:

Chicago's Crook County thinks 'pon

name rights shill to corporate johns--

including the crim'nal courts!--

local news hounds report...

To bad there's no more Enron!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2012:

There's an ancient philosophy, stemming from religion, that goes, "Your body is a temple."

Thus, you're supposed to treat the corporal manifestation of the Gift of Life with respect--eating right, exercising, getting enough rest, etc.

In discussing health philosophies recently, among some of the school better known as...well, "Health Nut-ism"--into detoxing and raw foods and avoiding glutens and all that trendy claptrap--I (Chief Limericist checking-in, here) mused on my philosophy of balance.

Eating fruits, veggies, nuts, pure juice, some herring for the fish oil, etc., for breakfast/lunch; doing yoga; etc.--counteracted by eating whatever the hell I want for dinner, enjoying cigars, etc.

My feeling is that it all sorta balances out. You should get the most mileage out of your body, but what's the point of living to 100 if you're only looking forward to bean sprouts at dinner?

Thus I've expanded the old metaphor--

Your body is a temple--but what good is a temple that sits empty? The ideal temple needs its floor trampled with life regularly, the stained glass steamed-up with the breath of life from time-to-time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2012:

That first "Idol" Kel Clarkson gal's bent

on ment'ring for new "Duets" dalliance.

So...TV-created

"star" spurs same... Who's afraid'a

AI?... Fear "Artificial Talent"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2012:

So HBO has a new series based on the classic American saga of the feud between the Hatfields and McCoys.

Where would you guess they shoot the series?

Well, you'd be wrong. The locations are in Romania.

Funny how Hollywood escapes scrutiny in all those "Buy American" and "Save American Jobs" arguments...

 

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