Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2012:

Sunday paper, one phrase was hot--

"'Tis the season!" Saw it a lot

in ads--buy, buy, buy!--

to which, I reply...

"'Tis the Season"? Now? No. It's not.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2012:

So Halloween's over.

Strangely enough, though, we won't see folks leaving up the decorations for THAT holiday for another three freakin' months...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2012:

Right Wing retro--Medieval days!

Rape babies--all meant by Lord's ways?...

If all deeds of Man

are part of God's plan--

why don't that include, oh, say...gays?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2012:

Were just made aware of the fact that this month is also now referred to as "Movember" awkwardly deriving from a celebration of the "moustache" and... Well, we guess guys are supposed to grow stashes to raise money for various causes.

Sorry, ladies, but if you want in on this one, you'll just have to come along for the moustache ride...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2012:

A closing-time barfly named Chuck,

met drunk chick; thought he could get...shucks!

Yet eat up his fill he

did of the bar's chili--

was lit'rally shit out of luck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2012:

Ah, fall! There's a nip in the air and... Well, that also means some nips in the air, quite frankly...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and brisk) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2012:

Fall gets me all "Devil May Care"--

though less skin, of course, chicks now bare,

the new autumn chill

brings new kind of thrill...

With two kinds of nip in the air!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2012:

For whatever reason I, Chief Limericist here, check in to my old MySpace accounts now and again.

Noticed that I've somehow GAINED a "friend" there recently.

GAINED a friend?

MySpace?

Must have something to do with this weekend's Mexican "Day of the Dead" celebrations, I'm guessing...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/4/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Ooh, That (Amphibious) Smell

Recently, while removing clothes from my washer and preparing to place them in the dryer, a scent steered me down Memory Lane... It was coming from the washer. Something about the damp, with a little bit of dust around the area, the hint of sap and other factors.

When I was a shaver, I was a pet fiend. Hamsters, guinea pigs, mice, a toad, hermit crab...and I'm probably forgetting some.

The washer scent somehow summoned one from certain creatures from my pet craze era--salamanders.

I think the salamander thing started when dozens, perhaps hundreds of the little buggers became trapped in our window wells, which they're attracted to for some reason, leading them to lay eggs in them and generally gather there during the appropriate salamander season.

I thus ended up with four of the buggers--Slime, Bugle, Littlefoot and George Burns.

They ate crickets, insects in general and, in the cooler months, little balls of ground beef. I kept them in a tank that had generous pools of water alongside piles of rocks and such to leave them water and land options, as amphibians tend to favor.

I was pretty good about keeping a clean tank for them, fully replacing water, rinsing and scrubbing out the tank...at least weekly, from what I remember.

That process brought some less than savory aromas--but not too bad when I kept on it--mixed with some soap and... Think that brings us full circle on this little tale, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2012:

So Halloween's done--and its freaks,

like house décor--for year, last peek!

How hol'day should be--

of course we won't see

ghosts, goblins for 'nother twelve weeks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2012:

So India is opening its first Playboy Club!

Hmmm... Okay, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! All the ingredients are here for the Make Your Own Joke feature we've been meaning to run...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2012:

Well known quote, 'bout TV considered

"vast wasteland"--mindless free-time fritter!

Brings question--if he

thinks THAT of TV...

Well, 'magine what he'd say 'bout Twitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2012:

It's Election Day, meaning it's the duty of every American to... Finally shut the hell up and keep your pea-brained, ill-informed, partisan psycho-babble to yourself.

It used to be we only had to worry about the journalists. Now, thanks to social media, there's apparently nobody left who isn't airing their crackpot opinions.

So celebrate Freedom of Speech...by embracing your Freedom to think first... Shits-fer-brains, every last one of you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2012:

All are pundits now--all erupt

on Facebook! It must seem abrupt

that 'Lection's now goner.

For Free Speech, now honor

your God-given right to...Clam up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2012:

Guess the relevant food-related question this time of the year is... Do I want what's left of the Boo Berry, or the Franken Berry?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2012:

Tough questions in life can be scary!

This time of year, shoulder weight carried

by one I'll now voice--

the mind-wracking choice

of... Blue- or perhaps Franken Berry?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2012:

We noticed during this election cycle that, at least in the day before the election, candidates started running ads that oddly... Well, talked about themselves, as candidates.

Rather than the typical sort that just focuses on what an evil bastard the opponent is.

Now, that would seem like progress.

Then again, THAT simple thing being "progress" is rather depressing, thus perhaps not so much "progress" as... Aw, we're gonna layoff any election analysis at this point.

At least until they start the analysis for 2016...what, next week?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2012:

In other guy's faults, the ads delve;

election? Pols agendas--shelved!

So, hard to believe,

on Election Eve,

saw ads where pols talked 'bout...themselves?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2012:

On Election Night, we heard the announcement of "Obama's First Presidential Twit."

(Okay, they said "Tweet," but let's be real here.)

Arguably a "change"...but there goes our "hope"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2012:

Roberto, who gigged working squeezebox,

played close to the ladies-thought sleaze'd rock!

Was so out-of-tune

dames didn't quite swoon--

best he could reel-in was a tease-cock!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2012:

Translation--

"'Unisex' Bathroom in a Hospital."

Means...hit another floor if you need a men's room...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2012:

Historic election--pomp fits!

But some of it... Well, seems half-wit!

Hacks and their "firsts" knighted--

just can't get excited

'bout "First Presidential Tweet-Twit"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2012:

Chicago Sun-Times (and note, pre-Thanksgiving) advice column headline--

"Time to Consider Gifting for the Holiday Season Ahead"

Uh, no it's not...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/11/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Have a Play Opening Today...

...And, believe it or not, somehow I ended up not only ACTING in it, but PRODUCING the damn thing... So... Yeah... No edition this week... See?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2012:

Now India, Playboy Clubs churns

out for those with money to burn...

So they'll, at this rate,

I anticipate,

have porn by...next century's turn!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2012:

I've just gotta say... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

A play opened yesterday, for which I took-on two roles, produced, co-directed...a play that (long story) has been aiming to open for two-plus years now.

So, really, without even the typical excuse-making, half-assed news-touching... A much deserved day off form this Slappin' and Yappin' crap.

Of course, I've penned a few lines here, so the "day off" is... Anyway. And OF COURSE there's a Limerick.

As everyone knows, Slapper Yapper Grasshopper and not, the Limerick never sleeps...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2012:

When I first did read 'bout "Movember"

('stash-growth for funds, done in November)

at first I was gleaning

'round known "-mo" pop meaning

and thought... Well, a push to 'ho-member?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2012:

Seeing as how the Big Mother movement has turned freakin' SMOKING into a fetish... Are there folks somewhere on Craig's List seeking chicks for French fry-eating pics?... Yet, anyway?..

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2012:

The news--how our reverence runs deep!

No days off--rock steady it keeps!

Thus one source, a daily,

informs without failing...

For like News, Limerick never sleeps!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2012:

For last Wednesday's food-related entry, we posed the vexing, seasonal question--

"Do I want what's left of the Boo Berry, or the Franken Berry?"

After much philosophizing, communing with nature, etc., we've arrived at... Well, another question--

"Why not both?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2012:

Big Mother brings freaky surprise--

now smoking has been fetishized!

Now we can expect

culled deviance next...

A fetish for chicks with...French fries!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2012:

In a Chicago Sun-Times sports story about a concussion suffered by Chicago Bears defensive end Shea McClellin, it is mentioned that McClellin was injured with concussions three times during his college career, although, when asked..."he could only recall one."

Which... Well... There ya' go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2012:

Pub. place bathrooms dubbed, "unisex"?

When us guys need, we can expect...

It's occupied! Doomed!

Really, "Ladies Room"--

in practical, real-life effect!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2012:

So not only are those bastards at h.h. gregg continuing to rape the Beatles legacy...but we get to hear their ear-irking cover of "Help!" as they gang-rape Santa Claus with early Christmas commercials.

It must be... Well, NOT that time of year yet, again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2012:

The actors were nervous and terse! Bill

did call for the, better or worse, thrill,

of real-time, cam-rolling,

Time's honor extolling...

Porn set prepped for un-dress rehearsal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2012:

Well... Sure changes the meaning of Tickle Me Elmo, now, doesn't it?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2012:

The news, with time, story may tell mo'

but seems now toy will be tough sell, though.

In light of events

the concept's been bent...

New meaning with "Tickle Me Elmo"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2012:

Er... We think November is Writer's Block Awareness Month?...

Not sure of the color for its awareness ribbon but, um... Yeah...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/18/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Georgia Once Again Sees the Stage

I now have, tucked in a corner of my home, a really nice Imperial accordion. I can't play the thing, but it was once played by my mother. In fact, both of my parents once played accordion.

Hey, I'm half-German and quarter-Polish, so it'd be strange if that weren't the case.

This accordion was my mother's. In fact, it has personalized lettering spelling her name, "Georgia." But neither she nor my father have played since... Well, I don't think this accordion has seen action since the 1950s...at least until last Sunday.

When I played the Imperial. Or at least "played" that accordion.

Which was special, sentimental and all that jazz because my mother is, as I write this, and when the opening occurred, hospitalized. A form of tribute, way of diverting positive energy to her recovery or... Yeah, a bit screwy. But certainly a Tribute in my little world.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, among my many hats--talking the metaphorical type here, as I also wear many literal hats--I am an actor. Likewise, SYGs should know that I've been working on this one play, first as an actor, more recently as an actor/producer/director, for almost a year and a half. Finally got this damn thing opened--and continuing, thus actually on the scene, unlike under the previous clown "producer-directors"--on November 11.

Since the previous "producer-directors" led all involved on a long, fruitless boondoggle, bad blood was garnered among the Chicago acting community. Luckily, I escaped the fallout from this, casting 13 of 14 roles fairly quickly and certainly sufficiently.

But we did end up with one role that was a bitch to fill. That was the only one remaining open when someone boondoggled started posting Craig's List "REs" to our ads, actors regularly blew-off audition slots for the role and... We found ourselves in a bit of a fix.

We set an opening date and began preparing for it, figuring one remaining role could be knocked-off easily enough. Especially since it's a silent role--important, but with little in the way of common "memorization."

We thought we'd filled the role, just in time... Then the guy told us he had to jet off to India for a few weeks regarding a sick grandfather, but that he'd be back in time to make a couple more rehearsals before the opening, having made one good one before that vacation... So we figured that would do. Less than ideal, but next to the idea of auditioning complete newbies as the opening crept closer...seemed the best option.

Until I thought of a third option... Okay, first a little bit about the play--

It's an interactive theater deal, set in the gangster-laden 1930s Chicago. ("Dinner with the Family"--see http://www.DailyLimerick.net/sloopcentral.htm) I play Elliott Mess, who does appear until the third and final act to solve a crime.

This silent role, Roberto, is a bit of a human gag. Wanders around with an accordion he can't play, playing anyway, bothering people... Actually the SUBSTITUTE squeezebox player for the fictional restaurant and foil to the straight-man restaurant owner. He's also deaf, dumb and mute, or mostly so, thus dropping him from the third act's Fed interrogation was no biggie.

I could don a wig and phony mustache, along with some crazy clothing and other extras and... Well, play BOTH roles, with a quick costume change during an intermission.

Since our Man in India wasn't present, for a number of rehearsals I played Roberto, learning the cues he does have, garnering chemistry with my straight-man. This was to be merely a safety valve, but... Well, I started diggin' it. Secretly hoping our Man in India would fail us. Relishing the challenge of maintaining a disguise, honing silent comedy skills and playing both sides of the equation (since Mess is straight-man in tone).

Upon his return, our Man in India made one of the rehearsals he HAD to make to be allowed the opp to make cash and perform for the Opening. Then he cancelled out, last-minute, on the second. Conveniently, the wording of his e-mail assumed we wouldn't want him in the role, so I left it at that.

So not only did I play that second role for the show, but, in conferring with audience folk afterward, I FOOLED THEM! For a man such as myself, that was the ultimate compliment! Or at least a near-ultimate compliment--I sold the character! Including to a cop in the crowd, trained to see through disguises!

Most importantly, while we had two other squeezebox options, both much lighter and wieldy than the ol' Imperial, I worked "Georgia," as a tribute or...that sort of thing. A little strip of wood fell from the thing as I "played," movement was a bit restricted and, unlike with the smaller versions, I was unable to even approximate occasional musical tones with that complicated, button/key/lever-infested model.

Next time around with Roberto, I'm leaving "Georgia" home.

Yes, my mother is still hospitalized as I pen this. Probably will be when you read this. But she's making progress. Slow with occasional setbacks, but...progress. Yeah.

As may be apparent by the lengthy stay, this is a serious matter. Regarding her heart. The overall prognosis is optimistic, if life-changing, but with these things, one never knows.

I posted news of this Tribute on my Facebook, receiving very little huzzah. Perhaps some "likes," but... Well, Facebook and its inhabitants mostly blow anyway. I thought it might seem a Big Deal and impress people but... Yeah.

Of course, I hoped that when I returned from the post-opening celebration, I'd check a message from the family to learn mom had miraculously recovered, or at least made miraculous progress toward that end. But the Roberto Tribute didn't seem to have an effect one way or the other on her healing.

But, really, who knows what is actually "lucky" and what isn't? If mom leaves the hospital in a week...can you say for sure it wouldn't have been another week of hospitalization had I not whipped "Georgia" out--or worse?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2012:

Brain freeze--but news content, can't dare miss!

What's ribbon cause now--monthly Care List?...

Aww, shit--what the hell!

Far as I can tell...

November's, "Writer's Block Awareness"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2012:

Ah, sleep!... We remember sleep... Sorta... Kinda fuzzy, but do recall the attraction...

Ah, content!... We remember content...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2012:

Old social sites strive to keep pace--

realm now ruled by Book o' the Face!

Just why? I'm hard pressed

t'splain "friend" request

from someone still prowling... Myspace?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2012:

Normally, protocol demands that you call for "hats off" to commemorate worthy deeds.

But... Well, for all he's done for the U.S. Military, to cap a long and storied career... Pants off to General David Petraeus!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2012:

When someone earns, "Hip, hip, hooray!" fuss

for long, fitting, relevant phrase thus

is hearty, "Hats off!"

But for this, I scoff...

a "pants off" for David Petraeus!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2012:

Got some leftover chili--but no mac or cheese to make that killer combo?

Never fear, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--try it with... Cheeze ravioli!

Hey. My kitchen's more of a laboratory (and that's pronounced ala Boris Karloff--and by the way, it's his birthday Friday)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2012:

No dark meat left? Mandie near cried!

Thanksgiving! To dry her dark eyes

Roberto did demonstrate

how to get, for her pate,

fine dark meat from a (his) fly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2012:

All friends seem to call--just to whine!

Against you, seems world--by design!

Your tummy--stress gnaws!

All ruled--Murphy's Law!

When you're in a state called..."deadline"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2012:

So... Black Friday, huh?

Sure as hell won't see any of us at Daily Limerick out there battling the materialistic herd.

In fact, those knuckleheads bother us so much that... Well, if you can't join 'em, beat 'em...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2012:

Nymph Jenna craved more and more--spasms

when long gaps hit between orgasms!

Toy stash makes it cinch

and, well, in a pinch--

why, last week Jen had a "door-gasm"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2012:

Thought up a great term to describe those shits-fer-brains who walk around in a daze, getting in everyone's way, with a closer eye on gadgets than the freakin' world around them--

"iPuds"...

Merry Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2012:

Black Friday! When pigs fly, I'll meet 'em--

sheep on open-wallet stampede! (Dumb!)

In frenzy, where Joy be?

In fact, so annoy me...

I say--if you can't join 'em, beat 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2012:

So, there's this show on History channel called, "I Love the 1880s."

It's modeled after those "I love the '80s/'90s/etc." annoyance fests on VH-1 and... Hmmm.

It's like... Well.

What they're doing, is... Hmmm.

Okay. It's a useful show, if you find yourself having too much optimism for the Human Race...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/25/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: We at Sunday Story Time Give Thanks...

...For having this weekend off.

See ya' next time!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2012:

Those bastards--smart phones and iBuds--

distracted, walk 'round, brains iMud,

so common--and iLame--

now need their own iName...

Thus I offer world the... "iPud"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2012:

Only... ONE more shopping day until Christmas!... Really, that's all we need...although we've got, well...at least three weeks before we have to deal with it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2012:

The mem'ries run fond and so deep,

but lately, the hours that I keep,

plus all of the strife

that's doled-out by life...

Well, let's say I remember sleep!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2012:

So, Kate Middleton has reportedly dissed Kim Kardashian by blowing off her tea-time invites and fashion offers.

We know what direction the gags for this will generally go toward, but at least our worthless U.S. "royalty" doesn't take welfare...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2012:

This time of year, oft hear folks say,

the countdown--shopping days in play

for Christmas so festive!

To me, seems excessive--

not sure when, but I've left ONE day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2012:

It's Wednesday "Food" content day, and so we introduce... The Hard Times Candy Bar!

Eats like you act during those Hard Times! Smooth, with a strong, well-composed (milk-dark) chocolate cover and... Well, a complete mess of gooey nougat, mixed in with some rough 'n' crunchy full-on nuts, on the inside!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2012:

Kardashian, Kim, tryin' to shill wares,

sought Royal tie-in and did... Well, dare

to send clothes, invite for tea.

Kate dissed! Of "royalty"--

'least for U.S., not on welfare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2012:

The general, time-honored motto for those facing the most dire of circumstances happens to be... "Die with your boots on."

Which is all fine and good. Highly commendable, even.

Though, boots or no, our mortality-questioning hour will more likely be focused on the credo, "Die with your pants off"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2012:

The saying, to, at Reaper, scoff,

goes, "Die with your boots on"--head 'loft!

Great credo! Although...

When my time to go,

I'm thinkin'--"Die with your pants off"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2012:

To show support for the cancer battle of Indianapolis Colts coach Chuck Pagano, cheerleaders Crystal Ann and Megan M. both shaved their heads.

Really. Cancer is bad enough without uglying up some perfectly hot babes in the name of silly symbolism.

We'd say it's a call for all ladies to make sure and shave their...um... Hey--we're just battling cancer, here...

 

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