Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2012:

For mainstream use, term's now been pilf-

ered, from "Wayne's World"--whole world knows, "MILF"!

From that, as I savor

chance ogling of neighbors,

I now introduce the term... "NILF"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2012:

Headline--

"FDA Warns: Beware Internet Pharmacies"

Thanks, FDA. Would've never thought to use care with something like that.

Viagra through e-mail is still cool, though, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2012:

Await hear-backs; two, three days pass...

Friends clients; calls and e-mail blasts--

they're all on my Ire List!

Smart phones? Tablets? Wireless?

Age of Commun'cation? My ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2012:

One of my cable TV service's "radio" stations is playing constant Oktoberfest music. So we've been giving that a listen-to.

It does get to one after a bit. Starting to break-out...with polka dots...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2012:

Though love food--and with cooking, deft...

Folks without food blogs? Any left?...

Food Network? 'Nuff doody!

Gone too far, damn "foodies"--

when I saw term, "Underground Chef"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2012:

What in the hell happened to Palmer candy?

Our local grocery store, Jewel, used to carry it.

They'd sell those Halloween fun bags around this time of year, with peanut butter spheres wrapped in eyeball foil? Stuff like that?

Do we sense a conspiracy here? More sinister antics from Big Candy?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2012:

Our savior, good 'ol FDA,

now finds, urgent, crucial, to say

stern, officially--

"'Ware 'Net pharmacies!"

Thanks... Who'd have thunk?... Feds save the day!...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2012:

With Major League Baseball's regular season now over... Headline--

"Cubs Want to Add More Seats Behind Home Plate at Wrigley Field"

So, after the team's worst season in almost 50 years, and having not brought home a World Series in over a decade, they seek special Commission on Chicago Landmarks approval for this because... Amazing failure deserves reward, we guess.

Who do they think they are...Bank of America?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2012:

Rushed... Sidewalk zigzagger! Undone!

Ah! Smart phone? Ear buds?...'Nother one?...

But guy had...a book?

Thus moral here took?

No new morons under the sun!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2012:

So Mark Zuckerberg, the Satan's little helper who created Facebook, wears the same exact style of grey T-shirt every day, keeping 20 in his closet.

There's certainly many jokes here. What with his nerdiness and Facebook's boondoggle of a "business model" but... We'll leave that up to you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

We'll just continue to pray that the smug bastard's hit by a bus...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2012:

A flaming gay cousin of Dracula

though vampire, was quite unattracted ta'

the neck for blood biting.

What he found inviting...

Well, let's just say they called him, "Sackula"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2012:

Slappin' and Yappin' is on strike!

Our demands focus on working conditions--this demand for daily content is unacceptable!

Although... We're guessing that public sentiment isn't in our corner, so we'll just come back to work...tomorrow?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2012:

To Landmark Comm.--"More seats?"--Cubs' plank.

'Spite fact that, for cent'ry, they've stank!

So... Favor implored? Bid

for failure rewarded?

Who they think they are--a Big Bank?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2012:

So Taylor Swift held an online contest, based on web voting, to award a concert to a U.S. school.

But pranksters played a heavy hand, leading most of the "votes" toward the Boston-based Horace Mann School for the Deaf.

Ah, but Taylor's people cunningly countered the shenanigans by...awarding free tickets to the nearest schedule concert for EVERY Horace Mann student!

Er... Did we stumble into a Polish joke here?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/7/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Looper

That new movie, "Looper"... He hee. Cracks me up.

Yeah, I understand it's not a comedy. And I haven't seen it. I'm saying that the IDEA of the movie cracks me up... Not the plot, or the setting... Alrighty--

Back in grade school, I knew a girl named... Let's just say Fanny Looper, to protect the now not-so-young lady's identity.

Everybody called her, "Looper." Guess it was just that kinda name. Why use someone's given first name when "Looper" is just so fun?

She actually kinda LOOKED like a "Looper." Tall, but not in a sexy way. Walked with poor posture--a lot like a guy. Huge feet that pointed outward as she walked. Long, voluminous, brown hair, a bit shaggy. Sort of a reddish, button nose... She was just goofy looking.

I wouldn't call Looper ugly, though. In fact, it's likely she grew into a tall, graceful, feminine hottie but... Well, how I remember her is... He hee.

Funny looking. I suppose that's not a good thing, but it IS different from ugly.

I think she liked me. Or NOW I do. Then I just knew that she teased me a lot. Not that mean form of teasing, just... Well, just seemed weird to me at the time, but now... Yeah. Looper must've liked me.

Not the greatest premise for a movie, but she's what comes to mind when I think of "Looper"... He hee...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2012:

Columbus Day! School kids home free

with gov. slacks. Strange holiday be--

Native 'Mer'cans protest;

but ethnic, so must bless...

Showdown--P.C. versus P.C.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Columbus Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2012:

Taylor Swift's site had fans enroll; dish

concert to one school--kids' Life Goal Wish!

To counter e-pranks cruel

gave free tix to...deaf school?

By any chance, is Taylor Polish?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2012:

So, what's all this hubbub about this perceived need to "save PBJ"?

Firstly, we didn't know that the sandwiches were in jeopardy and, really, can't imagine just how.

Also... Well, of all the sandwiches out there, we could honestly live without Peanut Butter and Jelly. Of course, it's still disturbing that some would take away our right to... Huh?

Oh. PBS?

Moving along...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2012:

Mark Zuckerberg, evil geek man,

wears same shirt each day, 'cause he can!

Twenty tees in play;

not black, red...all grey--

kinda like Facebook's "business plan"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2012:

It all began when I received some ready-made rice dishes, from my mother, as a form of care package.

Considering ways to make those into full meals, I kept an eye out in the grocery store, thinking I'd grab...ground beef, or something, to bolster the sides. Decided upon some ground Italian beef. Primarily pork.

Whipped that up, left me with an extra meal of it.

Then recalled some pork chops in the freezer, thawed and browned those babies up for a couple meals worth.

Now, I like to alternate meals. That is, I wouldn't eat the sausage-rice dish twice in a row. I'd have one serving, save the other in the fridge, have something else for the night between.

Then I ended up grabbing a roast at the grocery store. Cool weather's hitting, haven't made one since...probably March? Type of thing that counts for many meals and... My favorite roast? The one I brought home from the grocery store?

Pork shoulder roast.

It wasn't intentional. Nonetheless, I've ended up going Pork Mad...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2012:

Though not huge fan of PBJ,

bit freaked... Feds will take it away?

That's fascist--no less!

Why... Oh?... PBS?

Whoops! Sorry... Just go 'bout your day...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2012:

A bit telling of our political landscape when you view an election ad trumpeting a candidate as "independent"...and yet "...paid for by the Republican blah blah blah"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2012:

Ad says the pol's big "independent"--

so what, is disclaimer of Zen bent?

The "Paid for by..." claim

PAC has, right in name,

"Republican"--out "indy" cred went!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2012:

So... Ethel Kennedy.

Yes. She's one of THOSE Kennedys.

Now... Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Ever seen 'em both in the same room at the same time?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2012:

A kinky Wolf Man named Muldoon

did thirst for blood--and fine young poon'!

In path?...coed pranking!

'Tween ass bites, gave spanking--

in two ways did savor Full Moon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2012:

Over the course of our following of the Chicago Bears' National Football League team we've noticed... Well, we've ogled many a cheerleading team in our day, but have just got to say that... The Jacksonville Jaguars cheerleading squad?

Now, we realize that it's not completely within the bounds of etiquette to go rating groups of women body part by body part, but compliments and due where compliments are due and... Somehow, that group of women has some of the finest asses we've ever seen assembled in one spot.

Not that the rest of their bodies aren't... Ahem. Anyway.

We're adding a new descriptively helpful slang term to our vocabularies, in fact.

"She doesn't just have a nice ass--she's got a Jacksonville Jaguars Cheerleader Ass!"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2012:

Question, Ethel Kennedy, be there friend--

take good look! If my name ain't Biederman...

Er, not to be mean,

but's anyone seen

her in the same room as Joe Lieberman?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2012:

You know how people always point out that parking lots have more handicapped parking spots than are ever remotely used?

Well, visited someone in the hospital recently and every handicapped spot was taken.

You know... Well, make of that what you will...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/14/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time Is...

...A little busy lately; and hasn't missed an edition in some time, ya gotta admit, so... See ya' next week?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2012:

Most cheerleaders have looks and sass,

but Jacksonville's form elite class!

Share one trait amazing!

New descriptive phrase brings--

"That's Jaguar Cheerleader Grade ass!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2012:

It's extremely depressing that we're addressing this topic now, not even halfway through freaking October but... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

So Big Retail's already tossing up displays to rape Christmas.

(Oh, and it's also time for our season reminder--when you see this type of thing, ask to see the highest manager on duty, kick him in the nuts and tell him Daily Limerick sent ya'.)

Oh, and surveys are indicating that our bent-over and lubed up public is not only drinking the Christmas-molestation Kool-Aid, but demanding "Christmas" deals as early as September...or else (they won't spend their rape-blood money).

Although I'm not a real "shopper" by any means, this means enacting new principles.

For instance, recently my mother had an operation. So I wanted to buy her a nice little gift.

The original thought would be to hit, say, a Macy's or something local and similar.

But if you're gonna sodomize Christmas...screw you, Macy's. Just grabbed some candy at a Walgreens. (Arguably, Walgreens is a member of Big Retail, too, but since I shop there as a regular, non-gift thing, I make a distinction.)

If you can't beat 'em...make every freakin' effort NOT to join 'em...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2012:

Heard many who, for good spot hopin',

'bout handicapped spots unused mopin'!

Strange, but I took shot

at hospital lot--

odd but none of those slots were open!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2012:

Creeped myself out the other day.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Watching old TV, I found myself strangely turned-on by... Cloris Leachman?

In other words...slow news day...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2012:

Big Retail, fore 'Ween, seeks cash/coin from...

Christmas lists? Claus kicked in the groin! Scum!

On fence... Shopping route?

Hell no! When in doubt...

Can't beat Big Retail? Then won't join 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2012:

From a commercial break--

"Today's episode of [program] is brought to you by Captain Morgan and Subway."

In case, you know, viewers were seeking a sure-to-hurl combo...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2012:

TV did that voiceover mambo--

ID'd sponsors who, onto, glommed show...

It left me quite floored, man--

Subway, Captain Morgan?--

a most fearsome sure-to-hurl combo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2012:

Our evening TV watching led us to a commercial block that took us from Larry the Cable Guy shilling...heartburn medication?...to a dishwashing detergent commercial featuring a woman blissfully Facebooking about her satisfaction with the product.

Around the What's Wrong With Popular Culture World in 90 seconds...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2012:

Old TV, into past can reach and

nurse crush on a once pretty peach, man!

One night--what a doozy!

Felt stunned, shocked and woozy--

turned-on by a young...Cloris Leachman?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2012:

And now it's time for a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper Dictionary Definition!

"Deadline"--

"A period in which, for editors, everyone and everything conspires against you, up to, and including, your own mother"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2012:

Though Joe was a perverted slob,

'round Halloween, minding his knob...

Though "pervert," could name him,

must say, hard to blame him--

for smooth gooey feel of "blob-job"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2012:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I was born a dirty old man...

Happy Extra Ghoulishly Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2012:

Old Media--watch 'em compete

in 'Net Age! A dark comic treat!

Why, take Chi Sun-Times--

celebs, more bylines!

Sooo needed in Age of Twit-Tweet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2012:

So the Women's National Basketball League finals are going on! A showdown between... Aw, hell. We can hold out a while longer with the damned hockey strike...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/21/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday Story Time...

...Still barely has time to poop... See ya' next week... After, you know, we take care of that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2012:

Though 'Net can be Info Goldmine...

Now e-water cooler--new kind!

At odds with assumption,

to accomplish somethin'--

best to go to work NOT online!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2012:

One of the most famous quotes about television was former FCC chair Newton Minow, which dubbed the format, "a vast wasteland."

So, were Mr. Minnow still chair today... Does the English language have the capacity to describe what the hell Twitter would be?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2012:

Got filthy mind and, by Life's Plan,

grows worse with age--but, understand...

Those who New Age roll'd

say I've got "old soul"--

for was born a dirty old man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2012:

Watching the old suspense show "Thriller," hosted by Boris Karloff, there was an episode involving creepy doings at a wax museum.

At the end of the movie, a wax figure is shown melting in a fire and... Rather telling regarding the physical nature of males and females, as the female wax figure melts, it mutates, turns gradually uglier and... Starts to look like a...male!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2012:

Fridge--bacon, pork, sausage for fork! Rad!

And craving for roast kicked-in--torqued bad!

Soon did all my meals be

from creature so squeal-y--

why, by accident, I went Pork Mad!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2012:

ATTENTION!

This is a Daily Limerick, Wednesday "Food" Content, Halloween-Related Consumer Alert--

While Black Forest's 45-fun-pack bag o' various gummy vampires and werewolves is, indeed, a delightfully frightening Halloween purchase... Well, we picked up a bag with only ONE fun pack o' vampires.

Now, we don't expect a 22/23 division on such a thing, but ONE FREAKIN' PACK of vampires?

This coming off recent years' tragedy of the Wonka Bag ruled by Laffy Taffy and... (Shudder.)

Slapper Yapper buyer beware. Big Candy's putting a whole lot more "Trick" in the "Trick or Treat" equation...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2012:

A she-mummy, lookin' to swing,

hit stripper pole for "bada-bing"!

Did find dudes' approval

'til, with "clothes" removal...

Well, ever seen bandage G-string?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2012:

Today begins our Halloween Limerick Countdown!

With one week remaining until All Hallow's Eve, we... Well. 'Ween Limerick Countdown. Kinda self-explanatory and such...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2012:

A witchie with heart burnt to embers

o'er cheatin' man, dumped in September,

chose zombie for next beau.

Faithful or not? She'd know--

thanks to his removable member!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2012:

Chicago Sun-Times Sports Headline--

"Hinrich Tweaks his Groin"

Well... Hey. Even if you're a big sports star, a guy's gotta "tweak" it himself now and again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2012:

There once was a fellow named Keating

who took his kids off trick-or-treating!

A neighbor doled candy

as witch, lookin' randy--

he soon found himself trick-or-cheating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2012:

Not entirely sure why...not the only ads featuring hot chicks...oh, Chief Limericist checking in, here...but those Garnier commercials really turn me on...

Happy Frighteningly Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2012:

She-werewolf was girlie to max! Schwing!

Hit spa, 'dbeen a while. She'd been lax! Thing

is 'twas awful timing

for full moon was shining...

Just say she paid extra for waxing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2012:

So, let's get this straight.

The Ultra Right Wing, Back to the Middle Ages Movement, suddenly oh so popular, believes so strongly in God's ultimate control over the universe that even a baby conceived by rape is part of God's Plan.

But the Almighty is really only the Semi-Mighty in some instances, as other things somehow occur that are outside this Plan like...homosexuality?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/28/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Uh-Uh...

...No way; still to freakin' busy... Looking forward to a triumphant return next week, though...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2012:

Count B's latest victim'd been banged

by most vampires from his vamp gang!

Kept clean hoochie-ku;

but in pinch, slut'd do--

but condoms he put on his fangs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2012:

So plastered all over the ads and classifieds and what-have-you of this last Sunday's Chicago Sun-Times was the phrase--

"'Tis the Season"

To which we answer... Uh, no it's NOT...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2012:

There was a werewolf name of Kot--

preferred victims female and hot!

While monthly drew blood

the wannabe stud

was wolf--whether moon's full or not!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2012:

Happy Horrifyingly Cheezy AHE2!...

That AHE "Squared," AKA "All Hallow's Eve Eve," for those of you less...um, hip than the rest of us...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2012:

A cheap slut and wannabe vampire

stoked lust for counts--burnt like a campfire!

Though many did bed

none'd turn her undead!

So really, was more of a "tramp-pire"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2012:

Happy Extra Terrifyingly Cheezy (yet Candy-Filled) Halloween!...

 

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