Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2012

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2012:

A lucky-ass bastard scored hot

much younger chick. "Sexted" a lot

long 'fore they could hook-up.

Time came, was so shook up--

mere kiss and he fired "warning shot"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2012:

Yesterday we mused about the Modern Tech Myth that wireless is... Well, "all that." As the hipsters are sayin'. Or perhaps were sayin', a few years ago.

Today we're gonna to tackled the ridiculous fairly tale of Must Always Be Online To Get Work Done.

Oh, but first, we forgot to add yesterday that DSL/cable is far more secure than wireless. Okay--

Now, a lot of my work entails answering e-mails. Looking up info via the Internet. But... Let's just say that much of the time, I need to engage in writing. Thinking. Close reading. Etc.

Tasks that--call me blasphemous--actually are done more efficiently and productively while out of e-mail and the Internet.

And, really, considering the vast majority of what Internet Culture now is... Really? Must Always Be Online To Get Work Done?

Facebook? Farmville? Angry Birds? Texting about Tricia's atrocious outfit?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2012:

Held dog stand door for chick and cat.

They thanked my couth--but wasn't that!

I couldn't get through

entry with those two--

held door 'cause they were so damn fat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2012:

Don't forget--you can't spell "September" without "member"!...

Um... Okay, you have to use the "m" twice. Or lose the tip of "member" and... Well, really, considering that most men are circumcised these days... We're stickin' with our original claim...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/2/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Happy Labor Day Weekend!

...See ya' next week, same Slapper Yapper Grasshopper time, same Slapper Yapper Grasshopper channel...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2012:

Today, celebrate gains of Labor

(with eye on the our time's wage-slash saber)...

For rough haul to weather

helps to band together--

so toss a nice brat to the neighbor!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2012:

Happy Extra Cheezy Labor Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2012:

When hunger, late-night, demands action--

prep chips and sweets; dig-in for traction...

Then chow down--don't stall it!

Important stuff--call it

the crucial life function of "snack-tion"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2012:

Apparently, Kim Kardashian wants a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Is there a concrete equivalent of disappearing ink--one that would close up in say, 15, pop cultural minutes?... Okay, 20... Okay, hopefully, if there's a God, sometime soon...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2012:

As August gives way to September,

heat's not from sun--but fireplace embers!

Which sure will feel nice!

If you use "m" twice--

you can't make month without your "member"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2012:

While we're on the topic of spelling, and considering that Wednesday calls for food-related content... Realize that you can't spell "chips" without "hips"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2012:

Turns out Kim Kardashian thinks

toward Walk of Fame star, she's on brink!

Since past Fifteen she's surgin'

we'll need concrete's version

of a "disappearing ink"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2012:

Chicago Sun-Times headline--

"Man With Gun Demands Oxycodone From CVS"

Those damn pharmaceutical drugs! Causing addictions and crime!

Why, what we oughta do is make them illegal. You know, declared "War" on them and... THAT will solve the problem! Why... Er, on second thought...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2012:

Non-cash drugs store hold-ups are hot!

Big Pharma drug heist--common plot!

Let's ban 'em! Nip crime surge!

On big "Drug War," let's splurge...

Er, guess we've tried that... Maybe not...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2012:

We're deeply, and we mean DEEPLY, disturbed over these KY Jelly TV commercials.

Now, if it were just the chick talking about the feel-good sensations and all, that'd be A-OK.

But toss in that schlubby guy (or is that redundant?), make it a couple and... Creepy.

We've had to think on this a bit. See, we're noted enjoyers of porn, so being turned-off by a couple chatting on sex may seem odd at first thought.

But, see, the guy in porn is just there as the virtual reality prop. Other than a certain, um... Well, he's supposed to be onscreen as little as possible, being as quiet as possible. (Take note, porn cameramen!)

So, please, KY people, lose that doofusey male in the equation and... Oh, why bother? The commercials are obviously shooting for a chick demographic--but do realize that we're compelled to seek out another brand, ANY other brand, for our lube needs, on account of those frightening ads...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2012:

Kyle met hot chick from Eastern Europe--

Soon raised her legs as if in stirrups!

He then did partake

as if were pancakes--

capped-off with a slath'ring of syrup!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2012:

Okay, so the "shaved down there" look has been big on ladies for a while...which is delightful.

But we've heard from more than one guy who isn't happy about it. The most common complaint? "It looks like a little girl's hoo-ha!"

To which we simply must ask... Well, that's your first thought? Don't know about you, but we don't tend to see little girls' you-know-whats too often and... We just don't want to know exactly why you reach that conclusion.

The authorities may, however...

Happy Extra Cheezy (Waxed) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2012:

Of shaved look, the naysayers cite--

"Looks like kid's!"... Which... Well, just ain't right.

Don't see kids'...er...so,

more? Don't want to know--

but think the authorities might!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2012:

Okay, now we're just as frightening as the majority at the Republicans' social agenda.

But we're not yet ready to hail the Democrats as Defenders of the Common Folk.

Big Democratic National Commercial held last week.

And what was the name of the venue hosting most of the infomercial?

Bank of America stadium.

'Nuff said...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/9/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The 'Deer, John' Letter

It happened in early June of last summer. A fun, ridiculous encounter that contradicted events that were otherwise leading me toward the most hellish summer of my existence. (That summer is adequately recapped in the Archives, via past Sunday Story Times, so I'll only provide minimal details here.)

I was walking home from a hospital. Had been hospitalized for a killer sinus infection gone horribly, terribly wrong. Initially thinking I'd simply be provided some antibiotics or something for the infection, I visited a hospital a mere few blocks from my home, where they had me admitted, as the infection had gone gonzo and was precariously close to my brain.

So, while one might think I was elated at my release, after a few days being cooped-up in the hospital. I was heading home to my pets and fiance... And that was the problem. M'Lady would be moving out for July 1, telling me of this plan soon after I arrived home and... I knew it was coming. You sense such things building for a while. Oh, she visited me daily in the hospital, playing the Good M'Lady role but... Yeah.

I was certainly happy on some levels. Just being out of the freakin' hospital improves one's mood. And I was glad to finally spark up a cigar after a few days, which made me a little dizzy--and thus doubting my eyes when I saw... Well, a deer.

Yes, a deer. Huge, honkin' deer. Right on my street. In the bustling, Lakeview-Wrigleyville neighborhood of Chicago.

In fact, it headed into the courtyard of my building, summoning a crowd, blocking my egress for a bit.

Which was okay, despite my bandaged-headed state, as I was procrastinating actually walking through the door.

Local news soon confirmed the deer--and also its babies. It hung out in the courtyard bushes for a while, the city just kept an eye out and waited for it to travel to more appropriate pastures and... That was that.

So, it wasn't exactly an unexpected "good" event to keep me plugging along, but you take what Life gives you. It was certainly "interesting" and, somehow, it did help me make that walk, up the stairs, into my home, to take a heapin' spoonful of the medicine Life had prescribed me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2012:

Words' letters can bring magic tips--

for instance, why, take the word, "chips."

Quick glance at the spelling,

find wisdom it's telling--

for you can't spell "chips" without "hips"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2012:

Let's say you do indeed go out, or at least leave the house for some form of engagement, but it's not all Night Life-y or exciting... Well, do you "paint the town...beige"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2012:

Drank Kool-Aid? Think Dem'crats will save us from

extremist cabal GOP's become?

Who's interests first tendin'?

Well, site of Convention?

Where? "Bank of America" stadium!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2012:

Happy... Er, Reflective (Yet Still Extra Cheezy) September 11...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2012:

Those couples commercials, KY?

A'seeking to spur the chick buy?

Strange, but, while a fan of porn--

though chick's lube talk blows horn...

Turned off by "real" schlubby guy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2012:

Okay, we're certainly big food lovers here at Daily Limerick.

But we've been rather hesitant about dubbing ourselves "foodies," as is the hip term these days. The whole scene is a little too much.

Just read a story in our alternative weekly, the Chicago Reader, labeling someone as an "underground chef."

Time for a Daily Limerick boycott--

Call your cable provider and demand that they CANCEL the freakin' Food Network...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2012:

Cliche, "Paint the town red's," engaged

when one parties out--fun uncaged!

But when it's mere token,

"Get out, dude!" prod pokin'...

I say that I, "Paint the town...beige"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2012:

With think that Susan Sarandon is in line for some form of major award.

Why?

Well, she most certainly qualifies as a celebrity, being a famous actress and what-not.

But in a shocking development, we've recently read about her defying all odds and...NOT planning to write a book!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2012:

Once, constant 'Net access was boost fist

with wireless card and/or Bluetooth kiss...

Now all ports are locked;

it's safer, cord-docked...

So wi-fi means home-based and...useless.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2012:

I don't know about all Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers worldwide, but here in Chicago... Well, this Big Strike is scary.

Both sides are so far apart. Dug-in, stubborn, entrenched. Looks like it's going to be a long one. And the repercussions... (Shudder.)

Oh. Perhaps we should clarify here.

Sure, the Chicago Public Schools strike is terrible. But we're talking about the tragedy of the National Hockey League lockout...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2012:

A flamboyant priest, name of Stoeller,

found fame as well known holy roller.

Yet deeds late at night

led his acolytes

to dub him the, "Holy Corn-Holer"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2012:

Today marks the last full Saturday of Summer 2012, what with the Autumnal Equinox coming on the morning of Sept. 22.

Meaning it's still summer, so rush to do all those things you'd meant to for the Summer of 2012 such as... Not having the AC on full blast and actually going outside without sweltering?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Final Summer Saturday of 2012!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2012:

Chi-Town--the damn strike's wreaking hell!

When, WHEN will it end? Who can tell?

Just what will I do?

Guess school strike's bad, too--

but I'm talkin' 'bout...NHL's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2012:

Friday, we talked about the frightening implications upon Chicagoans about the Big Strike unfolding.

But enough about the NHL strike and the fear for our Blackhawks' season... Regarding the OTHER Big Strike, of the public schools... Consider--

Chicago Public Schools, like most government and government-related entities, is broke as all shit. And thus crying broke is one of CPS' bargaining positions.

And yet CPS is running anti-Chicago Teachers' Union TV and radio commercials.

Which, last we checked... Well, are a tough budgetary maneuver, especially for broke government entities.

So... Have to keep reminding ourselves that common sense has no place in government.

In fact, during an election year, we believe common sense is actually banned...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/16/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Change-Eating Pants

"Peanuts" fans know of Charlie Brown's ongoing battle with the Kite-Eating Tree.

Well, I have Change-Eating Pants.

Specifically, shorts. Although I lost a quarter recently on a back-and-forth-pants day (shorts earlier in the day, slacks for a performance later), so it's possible I indeed have TWO pair of the confounded clothing...but as any good detective knows, it's probably best to focus on the one likely suspect, first. Don't wanna go pursuing an odd, Perry Mason-esque plot when it's highly unlikely, at least until further evidence points in that direction.

One day, I just tossed on the shorts, filled the pockets with wallet-change-keys, before returning to my typical at-home pajama bottoms, wearing them only briefly to hit the convenience store across the street and... Lost a penny, somehow.

This was actually a lucky penny I was saving--put a piece of clear tape on it to make sure I didn't mistakenly spend it and... Make of that what you will.

Losing a lucky penny makes it all the more Charlie Brownie.

Curse you, Change-Eating Shorts!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2012:

Chi Public Schools' budget's quite sad!

For strike, each blames other gone mad!

While spending needs curbing

one trend's quite disturbing--

both buy TV, radio ads?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2012:

Hillary Clinton.

Miss Piggy.

Ever seen 'em both in the same room?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2012:

Of Susan Sarandon I took

in interview--strangely, was shook!

One secret? Was floored!

Give her an award--

celebrity NOT writing book!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2012:

Doesn't it figure? Whenever I'm putting on makeup in the men's room, somebody enters a stall and proceeds to indulge a loud and lengthy gastrointestinal procedure and... Well. Guess that's not a quick and easy nugget.

Chief Limericist checked-in, here.

Okay, so once again I found myself talking with a guy and thinking, "You know, I KNOW that clown from somewhere"... Hmmm.

You know, it's not often that one thinks, "I can't wait to get home and get out of this monkey suit!"--and means it literally!

Um...er... Alright, we'll just save all that up for a future Sunday Story Time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2012:

First, picture Hil Clinton. Bing-boom!

Next--Miss Piggy on mental zoom...

Now let your mind wander--

though seems nuts to ponder...

Ever seen 'em both in same room?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2012:

So... My, the hubbub over that French publication's printing pics of Kate Middleton--topless!

Okay, now listen up you inbred, welfare-hogging Royals--

Don't go ANYWHERE remotely public topless, nude, semi-naked, etc.

Everybody and their second-cousin's plumber have cell phone cams today. Not to mention the satellites and the fact that the Internet is forever... This goes for celebrities.

Hell. Even non-celebrities should follow this rule.

And don't even THINK of shooting that "private" sex video. "Private"? How very quaint and SOOO last century.

Sheeesh... We're brainstorming a way to avoid getting nude in the damn shower these days...

Yeah... Today's our day for food-related content, we know, but... Well, you could say that Kate's good eatin'... Sorry we couldn't get ya' the real item...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2012:

Two days left of summer--stop wishing!

Do things you'd planned--'fore chance, you're missing!

This summer, means bid-

ing some time outside--

without hugging the air condi'shning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2012:

Chicago headline--

"Expelled Rep Leading Election Pol"

Okay. We know we've asked this question before, and will probably ask it again... But leading into this important election season, while we realize that you, the public, prefer to remain bent over... Must you pre-lubed yourselves as well?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2012:

Note--Royals freak 'cause French mag dared

print topless Kate pics? Lesson there--

famous or not, privacy's

dead! Sooo last century--

nude? Never! Cams everywhere!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2012:

So Joshua Morgan, of the NFL's Washington Redskins, committed a penalty last Sunday which pretty much caused the 'Skins to lose to the St. Louis Rams...and now he's receiving death threats via Twitter.

As we continue to monitor all the enhancements social media has brought to our lives...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2012:

Chick widely known as Super Tease

went too far--found self screaming pleas

for cock, in her, put!

Shoe on other foot?

More like rug beneath other knees!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2012:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

So I'm walking down the street the other day and I find myself behind a familiar sort.

Shuffling along a zigzag path, slow as all shit, eyes and brain completely removed from the real world with...a book!

That's right. Not looking at a phone or tablet computer or iPod or any of that newfangled fare.

A physical freakin' book!

Despite the refreshingly old-school angle, it just goes to prove that, when it boils down to it... There are no new morons under the sun...or something like that...

Happy Extra Cheezy Satuday!...

(And watch where the fuck you're walking!)...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2012:

Bribe-busted, state rep.--Chi-Town rube--

still leads polls! Thanks, 'Lectorate boobs!

Though sad fact, I know--we're

as public, bent over...

But why must we also pre-lube

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2012:

My weekends are just getting busier, which is overall a good thing... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

It is presenting a problem regarding my cherished viewing of a two-hour, Saturday night block of Three Stooges shorts, however.

Oh, that's right! The very next day there are National Football League games broadcast all day and night, with those scab, replacement referees...can always catch-up on my stooge-viewing then...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/23/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: "Big Shooter"

I guess you could count me among the millions of L.A.'s Wannabe Stars, although I was basically dragged there by the women who was to become my ex-wife. But being a comedian/performer, I threw my hat into the ring while there, for comedy if not acting, and added some noted venues to the ol' resume.

Although it wasn't my full-fledged plan to go and try to "make it," I was nonetheless one of those who was professional about it. I'd honed some chops performing for five+ years on Chicago stages by that time, had some resumes and bios whipped-up--that kinda thing.

Some folks indulge their Wannabe Star without any such preparation. Say, they're always cracking jokes and friends tell them, "You oughta do stand-up" and... Rather than try out some local open mics, they just move the hell out to Los Angeles, apparently.

I met a good number of Wannabe Stars in Los Angeles. Really, you only need live there, or perhaps merely visit, to encounter them. Perhaps it's needless to say, but L.A.'s lousy with 'em. So when you do things like wait in line all day at the Laugh Factory for a shot at the open mic (and bigger gigs, and the main event crowd)... Well, you get an especially heapingly healthy share of the bastards.

These Wannabe Stars run the gamut. They always present the opportunity to one day say, "I met that guy before he became famous!" There are also the far more numerous and cliche sad stories--the aging, broke, lonely saps who moved-out seeking fame many moons ago only to find... Well, only to find themselves aging, broke, lonely and far from home.

And there are the many in-between cases. Those who don't find fame, but move on with life anyway, stocked with many interesting memories they'd not have were they not once Wannabe Stars. And those who maybe don't attain full-on Fame, but become better performers/writers/etc. from the experience and return to their hometowns to become somewhat locally famous. Or those who never get "rich" or "famous," per se, but enjoy comfortable careers as extra and/or in advertising roles, or perhaps as semi-known, touring stand-ups or... You get the picture.

Regarding a guy I met in L.A. I refer to now as "Big Shooter," I'm not sure what the hell became of him. Although, while I'm not up on each and every Hollywood player, I'm pretty sure he hasn't attained real fame and fortune.

His name was/is Tony. I'm not sure if I ever knew his last name, but I don't now and that's fine for our purposes. He was from Milwaukee, one of the comics I met doing the Laugh Factory Line thing, and we somehow bonded right away. Not sure why... Some might say we shared "Midwest sensibilities" or something. He was an Italian-American dude who kinda reminded me of a childhood friend, also named Tony.

We didn't socialize beyond killing time around comedy gigs. Then again, stuff like the all-day Laugh Factory Grind did lend itself to stronger than average bonding with "acquaintances." Once or twice, I believe my wife gave Big Shooter a ride or something, but we kept our relationship to the comic scene.

He's not the only Wannabe Star with whom I bonded. But for some reason, I remember him the best. I don't believe he moved to L.A. cold (without ever, say, hitting an open mic), but I don't believe he'd been at it for long, either.

Was he a good comic? I'd have to say yes. Then again, compared to the hundreds, perhaps thousands I've witnessed through these endeavors, that's not saying much. He was funny. He possibly had the basic talent and chops to make it, were he to do the right things, place himself in the right places at the right times... Funny, but now, I can't remember anything about his routines.

Except the "Chalupa." The Taco Bell offering debuted around that time. Big Shooter was discussing ideas for gags with me once and he tossed-out something on the order of, "I was so shook-up, I dropped the Chalupa!" And depending on myriad circumstances, that could've been a funny gag. In fact, I think he got Laugh Factory laughs from it.

But did Tony have what it takes BEYOND the talent? I, of course, have no way of knowing. But my gut feeling, supplemented by a lot of experience in this arena (for what that's worth), says, "no."

I did get the feeling that he didn't truly love comedy or performing. Not to open a whole 'nother can of worms, but although persistence and grit can overcome factors like talent and love of the art... Usually, someone needs to really, really love any art form to have it in them. To weather the rejection, to live poor... All that.

Tony talked about how he wanted to be a "Big Shooter." He'd often accompany the utterance of that term with a dice-rolling hand motion.

A Big Shooter. One with money, power, women, connections.

That's why he moved to L.A. to do comedy.

And that's why... Well, that's why I THINK he's probably not doing comedy today.

But comedy, acting, art... None of those things are a great money-making scheme. With exceptions, of course, like assembling a boy band but... That opens the argument of what is, you know, decent "art" to begin with.

So maybe in the end, Tony started a business or learned investing or something and ended up a "Big Shooter" after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2012:

Pro football's Josh Morgan--no jive--

death threats, Twitter! Flub caused team dive...

Keeping inventory of

ways social media

brings such great things to our lives..

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2012:

So, there was the big Chicago Teachers Union one. And the NFL referees...now the National Hockey league and-- "Chicago Symphony Orchestra Musicians On Strike"

Geez. We're starting to feel left out. Maybe we'll just make a picket sign for Fred the Intern and...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2012:

So busy, weekends, lose comport!

Oft miss Sat. "Stooge" block! But the sport

of football now tickles!

Replacement officials? They're almost good as those "Stooge" shorts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2012:

Speaking of NFL replacement refs... Ya' gotta love the one who, during Sunday's Bears-Rams game, refered to St. Louis as "St. Louie."

See?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2012:

Nat. Salisbury Steak Day! So savor a

hot Salisbury steak to help stave away

stress--let gravy fly!

And perhaps that's why

we're not to wear white after Labor Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2012:

That's right! It's National Salisbury Steak Day yet again, which falls on the Autumnal South Park Equinox (the date of the first new "South Park" episode of its Fall Season)...

Happy Extra Cheezy National Salisbury Steak Day!...

And remember--buttered noodles are preferred over mashed potatoes and corn as the Holy Side Dish...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2012:

Refs, NHL, teachers... Well, Gee!

Strike's hip! Now, Chi-Town Symphony?...

But I'm mere freelancer!So, my "stay hip" answer?...

I guess I'll just go picket...me?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2012:

So, earlier this week, a friend of mine calls, then buzzes my door, because he just so happens to be "in the neighborhood." I'm in the middle of unloading groceries, have a bunch of things I'm behind on... Hey!

Didn't that "Seinfeld episode" finally establish that a "Pop In" is a huge social no-no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2012:

Life's pace keeps me constantly hoppin'--

but friend calls; in 'hood; wants to... "Pop In"?

Thought "Seinfeld" did finaliz

that "Pop In's" dark surpris

faux pas needs permanent stoppin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2012:

So the Chicago Sun-Times has this new section called, "The Daily Splash."

Now, we're trying to lay-off our criticism of how mainstream, traditional newspapers are doing the most hilarious and ridiculous things in a pathetic attempt to remain relevant, hip, etc.

So the Sun-Times starts up this section whereby, each day, a local celebrity pens a column.

Because, in the age of Twitter, celebrities have so few outlets to express their pea-brained blatherings.

If that ain't enough of a kick in the taint, these celebrities tend to donate their payment from the task to a local charity.

Which is admirable, we suppose. Except that... Wouldn't a more relevant "charity" entail assigning a section, and its wage, to a different, struggling, starving local, non-celebrity freelancer each day?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2012:

A slick porn producer named Dudek

found wild success with "point of view" flicks!

But when he sold stock,

though IPO rocked,

he didn't go "public"--went "pubic"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2012:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Man, there's a NILF or two around me... Or three... Actually, at least five... Oh.

Kinda like MILF, but with the "N" meaning "neighbor"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and Neighborhly!) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2012:

Football this year near went kablooey--

clod replacement refs made games screwy!

But 'mid fan complaining,

turned quite entertaining

when one called the Rams team, "St. Louie"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2012:

Communication Age, my ass...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/30/2012:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Homeless Man Meets Gorilla Man

Earlier this month, I mused about putting on makeup, realizing I knew a certain clown and relief at finally removing a literal monkey suit...all without any exploration behind the arguably alarming facts. (See 9/18/12 above.)

Well, this little tale should make sense of those loose ends.

I happen to have some awesome costumes. Having been involved in a couple of small-time sketch comedy troupes, you accumulate such things. Being an admittedly goofy sort, you accumulate such things. Having had an ex- who worked briefly at one of those temporary, pop-up Halloween stores... Yup. Accumulation.

I raked-in some serious extra cash the last few years due to my ready Halloweenery--and that gravy train has started kicking-in this year already... Although, honestly, this was a gig for a corporation's Web site that had little to do with Halloween. (They are, however, debuting this one during October, so maybe some seasonal tie-in was part of the scheme.)

I responded to an ad seeking a variety of costumed characters for this video, seeking clowns, "Wizard of Oz" characters, what-have-you. I mentioned that I had a good vampire outfit (cool cape and Victorian shirt, makeup), a decent pirate get-up, etc. So I was booked, and paid quite well, to appear as a vampire.

Now, as tempting as it might be on some level to jride the bus to the gig Full Metal Dracula... I just wore a black suit and the frilly shirt, bringing cape and makeup in the bag. Soon after arriving, early for prep, I hit the bathroom to apply some blood-like lipstick and eyeliner (to give my eyes a more "sunken" look).

It was while putting on this makeup that an employee entered a stall and proceeded to take a noisy, complicated poop.

I was soon to meet the other actors involved--a Tin Man, snooty princess, robot and, yes, the clown I recognized from "somewhere before." Turns out, that somewhere was a Halloween gig last year.

So after painstakingly applying my makeup, makeup not part of my everyday routine, I was asked to ditch the vampire garb in favor of a gorilla costume, which another actor happened to possess, having brought costuming options.

One of the reasons given for this switch was that, "Vampires don't appear in sunlight." Which made a good point, although if you're gonna be a stickler about such things, gorillas and clowns and the Tin Man aren't know to carry signs while hanging around highway exits and such (which is where we did "our thing"--the video was a fun way of giving directions to the business).

I can now speak from experience when I tell you that working a gorilla costume is fun. I'd wanted to do just that most of my life. I can also tell you that the costume is hot, at least when the temperature is in the 70s, and especially when you're jumping around...because, really, what's the sense in playing a calm gorilla?

So I perspired like a sweat faucet, which is a natural part of the whole concept--but I'd really wished I'd have known ahead of time that'd I'd go gorilla, because the vampire shirt, my only option as some shirt was needed due to the inner texture of the costume, was soaked afterward, a delicate kinda fabric not washer-ready... The makeup was another waste of time. If they'd at least told me of the switch BEFORE that... Anyway.

Not to complain. Too much, anyway. Good paying gig, fun work, aping it up was fun.

But there was a most interesting encounter after I'd suited up and been driven and dropped by the highway ramp, just before I started monkeying around. I was told that a homeless guy hung-out by that ramp with a sign seeking money/food/work and that, for video purposes, he'd have to go. So I was given a $20 bill to bribe the guy away from his outdoor office for 15 minutes or so.

I approached the guy and made the offer. He said, "What are you wearing the gorilla suit for?"

I started to explain the video and stuff...but he nodded before I could finish.

His look acknowledged a situation that pretty much didn't need explaining. You do what you can for money.

And it begged the question that... Well, considering that he at least publicly embraced. admitted and advertised his desperate fate in life... Who, really, was the bigger schmuck?...

 

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