Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2013:

This year, April Fools also brings us

post-Easter Monday. Day of Dyngus!

Kielbasa, beer, eggs!

All hails 'tween the legs--

most Foolery's source? Dyngus-thingus!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day/April Fools Day Combo!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2013:

That Pippa, of praised butt, don't knock her...

But her "Take U.S. By Storm" clock whirs...

Plan's now rather murky.

Her book's sales? A turkey!

Who the hell's she think she is--soccer?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2013:

"Doubled-up" news stories.

This is a phenomenon that occurs when communication between different sections of a newspaper drop the ball and cover the same story in two (or more) places.

For example... A story on a local winner of a national "reality" TV show will, of course, run in the Features/Entertainment section, but, deemed worthy of "real" news coverage, another version runs in the News section, "doubling-up" coverage, wasting space, etc.--all because... Well, sure, it's "dropping the ball," miscommunication between department editors and/or a flub by overall editors, tasked with proofing the newspaper as a whole, but... Hey. The Industry is so downsized, you almost can't complain.

Almost. When you consider the comical ploys newspapers now engage to "compete" in a new arena and the fact that, despite the Incredible Shrinking Newspaper, costs keep rising.

Naturally, "doubled-up" news stories are on the increase. We see them perhaps a couple times a week, though once they were rare.

In fact, we're now seeing "doubled-up" news stories within the same damn section. A full story on a topic in Sports, for instance, then another in the wire service "Sports Briefs."

Pardon us for being... Well, probably obsessed with all this.

But we're NOT the Grim Reaper of Newspapers. Mr. Reaper is just, apparently, our news beat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2013:

More than one hit tune's words now brandish

term "heart attack" for crush turned frantic.

Sure, verse is subjective,

but turns me reflective...

Don't find heart disease too romantic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2013:

I am the walrus.

Because clams are perhaps my favorite food. One of 'em, anyway.

Oh--read recently that clams are a Walrus' favorite food.

No word yet on whether Fred the Intern is dead.

Koo-Koo ca choo!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2013:

Hey--I am the Walrus! I am!

Not Paul nor John--Beatles, be damned!

Not quite sure who's "dead";

share bond, for I read,

with Walruses share fave food--clams!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2013:

Comedy institution MAD Magazine has the rare distinction, with its longevity, of seeing multiple cases where, unwittingly via parody, it has accidentally predicted the future.

F'rinstance... I have an issue from the 1970s. Its back-cover gag on pollution features a "Scene We're Afraid We'll See" type of thing with, alongside the once-common milk bottles delivered to a doorstep, bottled air and...bottled water.

Once a joke, now reality.

The Onion now has earned this rare distinction, as undoubtedly have man seasoned shows and movie and comedians and... Well, if we must say so ourselves, and we apparently must, Daily Limerick.

Or in this case, our Chief Limericist. Checked-in, here.

Recently, I/we mused upon how Big Academia is making EVERYTHING degree-necessary. You can't be a good cook and start a chef career--there's a damn college for it. Yadda yadda blah blah.

My most recent musing on this Plot to Bankrupt the World Via Financial Aid (moo-haw-haw-ha!) mentioned the fact that my alma mater, Columbia College Chicago, now offers a degree in..."comedy writing and performance."

When I was a child I asked my dad, in all seriousness, "Where do you go to college to become a comedian?"

My dad just stared at me. So I asked again.

"Oh," he said. "I thought you were telling a joke. I was waiting for the punch line."

It took a while, dad, but there's the punch line.

Sorry. A bit anticlimactic, as it isn't very funny...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2013:

Fear month-to-month toil 'til The Grave?

Says Dogma--with college, you're saved!

With luck, by death paid

off financial aid...

How do you prefer bein' enslaved?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2013:

I don't watch TV via the Internet. And don't plan to, at least anytime soon.

Chief Limericist, here. And I'll tell you why in a moment.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, while I hate social media, I nonetheless have accounts in all the main ones (and that hatred ties-in to its effects on Journalism's Reaper, not just the tech stuff), plus my own site... I was arguably (and accidentally) one of the first "bloggers" and... In short, I'm a curious case. A bit tech savvy while highly tech leery.

I'm a member of a generation that can handle the tech, but has also spent most of its lives without the tech thus... I'll indulge conversations with people ala, "I KNOW that actor was in some other movie...what was it?... Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue... Man, it's gonna bug me until I figure it out..." So.

I know that I'm always seconds away from the Internet and can answer such questions immediately. But the Internet isn't part of my ingrained habits. So while a whippersnapper will just immediately search for such a question's answer via phone or computer or what-have-you, I... Well, indulge such questions.

I believe there are positives to this curious tech case phenom, such as noting the pluses and minuses of the Latest rather than just jumping right in and using them mindlessly. Part of the reason I'm still a cell phone holdout is that I don't necessarily WANT to be called wherever the hell I may be; I see value in keeping working/play divided and... That's a whole 'nother can o' digression.

But I think that's enough blather for you to see my general Point here.

So especially since I have cable TV as part of the condo association fees I pay anyway... I watch TV via the TV, rather than the Internet.

Oh, there are shows and movies absent from my cable dial I'd love to see. I can certainly figure out HOW to watch Internet TV/movies. I'm fairly certain that I eventually WILL--and perhaps even sooner than later.

But, well... Do I WANT to be that much into TV? Or to flirt with becoming that much into TV? When I settle in after a day's work to kinda half-watch TV and catch-up on reading, semi-working here and there, thinking on various projects and such... Well, I find more than enough on TV to watch.

Is there a slippery slope involved? Everything ever on TV available, at my fingertips, via that nutty Internet?

Yeah, I'm a prominent critic of Big Media, which of course includes cable TV stations and providers. Yeah, I'm big on personal responsibility, anti-Victim Society, huge on personal freedoms... But.

Internet TV? I prefer not to HAVE all those options.

Information Age?

In some cases... Too Much Information Age...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2013:

A studly young fellow named Ace...

Could say, as he rounded Third Base...

To roll with that metaphor,

'fore rounding Home to score...

Hit two fly balls to the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2013:

When your new roommate/renter curiously happens to have, among his newly moved-in belongings, Abercrombie & Fitch bags among his kept belongings... You're on Gaiety Watch.

When you overhear him watching "Dancing With the 'Stars'"... You're on Gaiety Warning.

When you... Well, you get the idea...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2013:

Time was, could work way up to be...

Say, reporter; chef--no degree!

Want job now? First must afford

Academe Overlords!

Soon? U of Ditch Diggery!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2013:

Could we be (allowing for a skip with Saturday's "traditional" Limericks)...amid another Daily Limerick News Topic Trilogy?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/7/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: One of These Days...

Pow!... Right in the... Content!... Maybe next Sunday...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2013:

Dad thought joke, when I asked, as wee--

"Is there college for...comedy?"

Joke lives! Feeds, tuition--

Big College one's dishin'!

Screw talent--you'll soon need degree!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2013:

...And thus completes another Daily Limerick Trilogy!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2013:

New roommate, Gaiety Watch morning!

Abercrombie, Fitch bag adorning

his unpacked belongings.

From TV, Wham! song rings...

We proceed to Gaiety Warning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2013:

As a Big City resident, I haven't owned a car in decades.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

When I first moved here from the country, I figured I'd save bucks, not really needing an auto with public trans, many stores and such within walking distance, etc. The theory was I'd eventually make good money and then I'd get a car, as there are times when one would come in handy, even in Chicago.

Well. Perhaps I'll always be a struggling artist type. But... Well, so now we have Google Glass.

And I'm perfectly content to remain carless now for the rest of my life...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2013:

'Net TV! Watch what/when? Turns page

on network agendas. Uncaged!

Couch spud lure with Freedom hoist...

Not sure I WANT that choice...

Too Much Information Age?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2013:

Mayonnaise and salsa.

A delicious combo stumbled upon during a late night fridge raid.

Wondered, at the time, "How come nobody's thought of this before?"

But perhaps they have.

In any event, worth a try, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2013:

Moved Big City, ain't drove since then;

no need--figured might buy car when

finances moved up a class.

And now there's...Google Glass?

Just fine to ne'er drive again!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2013:

It's well established now that holidays like Martin Luther King, Jr. Day bring on a celebration of...advertising tie-ins. Used cars to mattresses and pools.

Now... Well, newspaper ad--

"Jackie Robinson Joins the Majors...and Steele & Loeber Built First Garage - 1947"

Just what is it about Civil Rights heroes that brings out the shill in this folks?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2013:

Read ad tie-in for garage build-

ers--Jackie Robinson ann. tilt!

As with MLK Day

ad folks seize strange heyday--

nuts, oddly, for Civil Rights shill!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2013:

As New York Bloombergermeister-Meisterbloomberger seeks to ban large sodas in the name of We Know What's Best For You Unwashed Masses...er, in the name of combating obesity, Beverage Digest finds that our collective societal out-of-control soda habit...is at its lowest level of consumption since 1996?

As with the government's liaison with smoking and secondhand science, the government really DOES know what's best for us!

You know, having the benefit of watching us decide for ourselves first, making it a trend, whereupon they can jump on it and claim credit.

So, yeah, they know what's best for us...retroactively...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2013:

An actress who hailed from New Haven

groomed groin--was impeccably shaven!

Cast mate she's attracted

to gave her well acted

one-man show of, "Taint Misbehavin'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2013:

Ah, Spring! Where we welcome the return of the robin and... Well, riffraff.

Warm weather. City streets.

Just sayin'...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2013:

Herr Bloomberg, Big Mother's main prissy twit,

bans soda pop--his latest hissy fit!

Stats show, use down, still pretends,

he plays role in the trend--

that's what pol'ticians stay busy wit'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2013:

So, this "Accidental Racist" song.

There's a general attitude that little intelligent banter comes from "mainstream" media.

That is, controversial subjects and such are tackled freely in novels, movies, etc., but an arena such as network TV...not so much. Some interest group will cry "Offended!" at the slightest provocation, challenging ideas frighten the advertiser... Etcetera.

So, the Internet.

Savior of Free Speech. Right?

Now, with every common crackpot no longer having to type up a letter, stamp and mail it...or walk to the phone, wait on hold endlessly, etc., to air their hissy fits... The Internet is fast becoming The Great Network, thanks to forums like Twit-ter.

So, put these things together in your head a bit. Mull them around.

So... Still thinkin' the Internet's good for Free Speech?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/14/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Death of a Pizza Joint

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I've recently faced a lot of death, and other tragedy, within my family.

Not that any human being is a stranger to such grieving, and not to expect tears from readers but... Gotta admit that from Fall 2012 through the end of that year, the Grim Reaper went climbing my family tree.

But Death comes in many forms and I've recently found myself grieving something non-human. Really, a human death leads to all sorts of "auxiliary deaths" anyway, so we end up grieving changes in lifestyles, and all sorts of similar things, as non-human deaths, too.

In this case, it's a completely non-human death I turn my grieving toward--a favorite pizza place among family and friends near my hometown. And, of course, the memories involve humans, as human and non-human deaths are inexorably entwined.

I'd name the joint, tip my hat toward immortalizing it, but... Well, the place isn't actually closing. It has been around for... Geez, almost as long as the town in which its located, 15 minutes outside my hometown, and it has been through numerous owners, who all wisely kept to the pizza recipe that's made it so popular for so long...until now.

Or so I've been told.

While my hometown is in the Greater Chicago Area, I've lived in the actual city for most of the past dozen years. I visit the family approximately every month for a few days and, usually, that's entailed a visit to this Pizza Joint.

Within the last...six months or so, I guess, a decision was rendered by my dad and a family friend that the new pizza recipe is terrible. Reportedly, multiple visits under the new ownership have occurred and the results have been the same.

In fact, a new Pizza Joint has already been appointed among our Circle. I've been there and it does have great pizza, plus a staff of college-aged hottie chicks, but... Do you see this coming? My saying that the new Pizza Joint..."just ain't the same."

CAN one's lifelong Pizza Joint be replaced? I recall going to my original Pizza Joint with an ex-girlfriend, known to rave about her own original Pizza Joint in her home state of New Jersey. I was thinking before our visit, "Wait 'til she has this pizza, the BEST--and Chicago Style to boot! She'll see the error of her ways!"

Nope. She claimed it couldn't come close to her Jersey Joint.

And it occurred to me that one's Ultimate Pizza Joint may in fact be...dogma.

Even if science could conclusively prove, via tests and experiments, that Pizza A is conclusively the "best," memories override taste buds. My grandparents took me to that place after every high school football game. Every serious girlfriend I'd ever met was introduced to it after the relationship hit a certain level. Out-of-town guests necessitated a trip.

Okay, my grandparents weren't even big pizza fans, strangely (and, yes, shamefully) enough--but there was a consensus in the region that it had The Best Pizza. And "proof" or science aside, it's damn delicious pie. Or was.

But once somebody appoints it The Family Pizza Joint, whether that was "officially" my dad acting on my grandpa's tip or what-have-you, and a certain unit of time passes to solidify the statuts, nothing can compete with the memories, and everything else, that a Pizza Joint embodies.

In fact, it's amazing our original Joint was replaced at all. Again, I haven't tried the altered recipe, but it must have been truly awful.

Awful enough for the near-unheard-of fate, being REPLACED as a Pizza Joint?

On my last trip to hang with Dad, he said, "I think we should try the pizza under the new owners another time."

To be continued?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2013:

Most hail the first robin of spring--

but that's not all warm weather brings!

On corners of urban streets

species migrate to meet--

riffraff, in force, loitering!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2013:

Shaved head and/or goatee--the new Mullet!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2013:

Mainstream--say, networks--tend to bleach

'way edgy. "Offended" hordes screech!

Now, Twit-happy masses

knee-jerk whine on asses--

but 'Net's really GOOD for Free Speech?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2013:

Read a gossipy, "look where the celebs were in Our Town" column thingie recently and... "Celebrity butcher"?

Please.

No more "reality."

For the love of all that's good and right in the universe...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2013:

Goatees, at this point, kinda dull fit;

likewise, kinda tired--that shaved skull bit...

No expert on fashion/style

but new/hip? 'S'been a while--

shaved head? Goatee? The new mullet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2013:

Here's a simple, filling, delicious dish for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Peas and noodles.

You either love it or... Not so much. Growing up, my sister, mom and I enjoyed it, but only when my dad was traveling. I still crave it and whip it up from time to time.

I think it has German origins, coming to us via my German grandmother, although she was mostly Americanized so... Who knows? Still tasty, as far as I'm concerned.

The prep is almost self-explanatory. Make yourself some noodles--I prefer a mix, perhaps some of those egg noodles/kluski with some shells, tossing in some dumplings if you have the time to mix a little egg and flour for that... Peas, of course, then I heat it all in a broth made from a little milk, butter and a wee bit of cheeze, if you like. Salt, pepper, I add some garlic... There ya' go.

It's kinda like minding your "Ps and Qs," maybe...not sure what the hell that means... So, instead, mind your peas and noodles...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2013:

"Celebrity...BUTCHER"? Read... Geez!

"Reality" TV's disease!

Like cancer on culture pop!

Can't SOMEONE make it stop?

For love of all that's good--PLEASE!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2013:

Ready about an online parody of the show, "Bachelor Pad" and... Nope not linking it.

Nor even naming it.

Sorry, folks, but any "Bachelor" franchise, and, really, 99 percent of all "reality" TV, is already a parody of itself... Knock it off... Knock it off NOW...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2013:

Those "Bachelor" shows, I've dubbed "Can't Bear TV"!

Send-up? To put mildly, don't care to see.

Producers--ya' shits-fer-brains--

"real'ty"... Need explain?

Genre already SELF-parodies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2013:

So... Water filters.

Talkin' 'bout those dispensers whereby you run water in the top and it slowly enters the main receptacle, "filtered" along the way. There are also those plastic doohickeys that fit onto the end of a faucet and probably some other types.

What is it about water and morons? Considering that bottled water is perhaps the biggest scam in the history of fools and money parting... Anyway.

Did I miss the news stories about the masses dying off from drinking befouled tap water? Or the accompanying features about the few lucky neighbors who survived...thanks to their water-filter dillios?

The current rage among tax junkie politicians is taxing products deemed "unhealthy>"

I don't dare actually propose this, of course, but can't help thinking... If we started taxing things like water-filtering devices, governments would see budgeting problems disappear...until, of course, they found more ways to waste the windfall.

Nonetheless, there's gotta be big money in our collective Stupidity...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2013:

Stu's doc fluttered his heart's tick-tock!

Standing 'fore her, wearing...well, socks...

Though mere check-up, her light touch

spurred reaction, as such--

answered and asked, "What's up, Doc?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2013:

Considering where people's minds are at, stumbling around oblivious with their smart phones and what-not... Shouldn't this frighteningly revolutionary new product be called... Google Ass?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2013:

Tax Fest! Smokes, now sweets--sly lucidity!

Need vice--don't take pol-sci whiz kid to see

bad habits run government!

Dare say, note mad dough spent...

'Magine a tax on Stupidity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2013:

We're not sure how this started, but somewhere along the line, it became kinda, semi-, quirky cool to be a "nerd."

Next, hot Hollywood starlets and such began claiming to be "nerds."

Yeah. So they like a sci-fi show or two. Were they shunned? Laughed at by groups of girls on the playground like... Like some, you know, nerds?

Then "hipster" became a slur and... Seriously, folks, "nerd" and "hipster" have changed places on the Social Scene...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/21/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Rehabbing from Newspapers

Today's entry is a form of open letter to the Chicago Sun-Times, dear Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

I will also e-mail this along to their "letters" people and such. Whether or not it is published, more likely exerpted, in the Sun-Times or elsewhere isn't important. While it does mention some facts specific to the Sun-Times, it's relatable to the modern news industry overall and one need not have ever SEEN a copy of the Sun-Times to follow so... Here it is--

With great sorrow, and a mix of other emotions, I am not renewing my subscription to the Chicago Sun-Times when it runs out next, after reading most every issue daily since...1995? (While I read my parents subscription copies sporadically growing up, once my "copy editing" teacher, Karen Springen, then of Newsweek, encouraged daily reading via regular currents events quizzes, I became a daily-use junkie.) Minus a year living in California, plus a few "special" days like, say, my honeymoon. (Although, pathetically enough, often in those cases I just eventually "caught-up" on my newspaper habit later.)

Why? The Daily Splash. More on that in a bit.

As I begin writing this essay, I already feel the effects of newspaper withdrawal. The physical, daily newspaper has been a part of my routine for so long years--and I'm a big routine kinda guy. It's not only about reading the news. The newspaper habit's tendrils work their way completely into my life... As one of many examples, I own a fireplace and am now forced to wonder, "What will I use for kindling, to start my fires, when I don't have a bevy of newspapers in my recycling bin for balling up beneath the fireplace grate?"

Yeah. It's THAT bad.

I'd told myself the last time my subscription payment was due that I'd finally put a stop to this...and couldn't. Hell, to be honest, I can't guarantee that I won't give in to the withdrawals and renew yet again THIS time.

But this has to stop soon.

I'm not simply a newspaper READER. I am a journalist myself. More features-y than hard news, although I've written newspaper/magazine stories from investigative to humor. Speaking of which, I'm also a creative writer and a performer. In fact, I decided to pursue journalism WAY back--was an editor/columnist/reporter for my high school newspaper and began writing even earlier than that, winning an Earth Day poetry contest in sixth grade--as someone wanting to become a novelist when he grew up, as a way of earning a practical living from the general writing arena while pursing my Grand Dreams. Journalism, a common-sense skill from which to earn a living? PRINT journalism? Once, that reasoning DID make sense.

But I digress. And my resume isn't important. Point is, I'm a dead serious newspaper reader and if I'M throwing in the towel... It's over, newspapers.

I guess it has been over for some time. Long before thieves...er, aggregators like the Huffington Post, newspapers were in sad shape. So why have I continued subscribing, with all the columnists and features that led me to pick the Sun-Times over the Tribune long gone, highest salaries being first casualties, more vanishing by the day (as the price keeps going up)? As a man of routines, I still feel you can't beat the functionality of a physical newspaper. Easier than even, say, my iPad. I can flip through pages on the bus, while using the bathroom, etc., without worrying about dropping a gadget in the toilet or whether or not someone's eyeing it for theft.

I've also felt some strange obligation to the industry. That I should subscribe to support my field but... The industry is no longer supporting me.

Other than being an artist of the written word, I chose print journalism, as a major and my news medium, for many reasons. I like the ability to choose which stories I'll read, how much I'll read of them (headline and a skim, thorough read, first few paragraphs, etc.) and which stories I'll skip--a feature unavailable via broadcast news. When the Internet gave us the ability to setup news filters--receiving news just from my interest areas such as Free Speech, the comedy world, etc.--I hesitated because I love how the daily newspaper provides a broad overview of topics. As a humorist, I keep up on whatever it is that's moving the world. For example, while I prefer a root canal to watching "reality" TV, I read feature section news briefs to at least know who Snookie is and such.

I know about all the movies nationwide and plays in town, although I don't see many of them.

Print journalism also had the advantage of being more thorough. While my Sun-Times may have only carried a news brief on protests in Myanmar, tucked way back in the paper, you could leave a cable news channel on all day and hear nothing of it. Likewise, while local network news would surely recap important City Council doings, only in the newspaper could you, say, read which aldermen voted for and against a measure.

One can read a lot faster than a newsman can babble.

Over the past year or two, maybe longer than that, the thoroughness of newspapers has taken a hit. I'm sure it was a slow slide, like the industry's fate overall, but I really noticed it when the whole Occupy phenom came along.

That is, I learned of Occupy Wall Street through an e-mail headline rundwon from a "progressive" news site. Talking with friends and cohorts, I learned that the story HAD been on cable news and such already, as someone who stuck with newspapers near-exclusively, despite the immediacy of broadcast--many friends would tease me about it ("A JOURNALIST waiting until morning to read YESTERDAY'S news?"), to which I'd reply, "When I'm elected to federal office and have a need to know RIGHT NOW, Mr. Armchair President, I'll consider a change."

And the Occupy scoop was worse than I initially imagined. It wasn't a one-day dropped ball. It took almost a week before I found Sun-Times coverage of it.

I've been dabbling in broadcast and other news beyond print for a while. Peeking at Twits (aka "Tweets") and such, which I normally ignore despite having an account (because you "have to," in this day and age), occasionally catching some local TV news, watching news-related shows like "The Daily Show," etc. And I've learned that the Occupy ball-drop was just my personal tip-off. Big stories are skipped in the newspaper regularly--and have been for some time now.

Thoroughness is no longer a bonus of newspapers.

From there, newspapers devolved even further, of course. The latest trend I've noticed is going from being the Definitive News Source ("Yeah, you learned about this through TV/Internet yesterday, but here it is Official and In Print and from a Storied Trusted Outlet") to mere supplement. The language and presentation of headlines and stories now seems to assume readers already know about these things. Maybe that's just facing the music but... Well, my Big Beef here is mostly with HOW newspapers are deciding to face the music.

Oh, I've edited publications before and, while tooting my horn a bit here in saying that I've increased readerships... Well, I realize that this isn't easy. I make no claims that, were I in a position of power at the Sun-Times, I'd have made different changes and saved the day. In fact, there's perhaps nothing newspapers can do right now that would change where they're inevitably headed.

It's more than a bit sad to watch recent changes that newspapers are making. Reminiscent of a boyhood friend of mine who had ant farms. He'd put the red ants in with the black ants to watch a war and I'd notice some ants, in a corner furthest away from the enemy's entry, digging or otherwise busying themselves per "normal" protocol, unaware that it was all for naught, that their world was going to inexorably change forever in a flash.

No, it's not sad. It is BEYOND sad. It's pathetic and gut-wrenching, a lifelong career I've built going down the crapper... But I do my best to not see it that way. Because, really, it's funny. So I focus on that.

It's hilarious to see these "fixes" that modern newspaper editors are enacting. "Let's color-code the various sections--News, Features, Commentary!" "Let's kill off some old fave comics in favor of hip (aka non-funny) new comics!" "Let's make the Business section a pull-out, glossy color supplement on Sundays--with an edgy new name!" Yeah. That'll send circulation numbers back to heyday levels.

So it's all very sad, while also humorous, and... Well, insulting, in some cases. Which brings me back to The Daily Splash.

Now, The Daily Splash is not, of course, The Reason I'm throwing in the towel on newspapers. Were all these other trends not present, the Internet never invented, I'd certainly put up with another stupid feature. So The Daily Splash is really just the cliche straw that pulverized the camel's back.

But it is a titanium straw. Irks me every time I see it. Without The Daily Splash, who knows, I may have pathetically continued my newspaper routine for a few more "subscription due" notices.

I realize that The Daily Splash refers to the feature section overall. I think, anyway... But I'm referring to the opening column, wherein some local celebrity, often more of a "celebrity" with some local ties, and curiously often a "fitness star" somehow, for whatever reason... Well, this person is given a column, really brief, more of a half-column, to have a say in whatever they choose, often tying-in to the person's charity or TV show or what-have-you.

So, what we need in the Age of Twitter is... More outlets in which celebrities can express themselves to the public?

Really?

On a personal level, The Daily Splash brings a bonus kick-in-the groin, too. Usually, the column's end brings word of what charity/cause the writer donated to with the earned writing fee.

Why not a charity such as... Oh, fellow local journalists? You know, a freelance opportunity whereby the writing fee might benefit the cause of, say, helping pay for a delinquent mortgage or a non-ramen noodle meal?

I have a lot to say on this matter. I could prattle on and on. And on. In fact, I'm tempted to sit on this missive a while, returning every day or two in order to craft it just right, hit every point possible before posting and sending it.

But, while I'll certainly give it an editing once-over... I want to be done with it. Close a chapter in my life.

And, really, that's my attitude regarding newspapers overall.

I once envisioned myself reading daily newspapers for as long as they were physically printed on a daily basis. As perhaps one of the very last people doing so as it wasted away to perhaps a dozen pages or less, like a crew member going down with the Industry Ship.

But now? Well... As with a close relative surviving solely on machines, sometimes it's best to pull the plug, put him/her out of misery.

It has been a triumphant and historic run, Newspapers. But I'd rather keep my memories to all the great times, rather than the depressing life support and... Well, The Daily Splash.

John Sloop Biederman

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2013:

So, it's come to this... Google Glass.

Smartphone zombies walk/drive en masse

already! Considering

folks "skills," multi-tasking...

Ain't better name...Google ASS?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2013:

So, the State of California has a new TV ad campaign to encourage tourism and, well, moving to the Golden State.

Which seems a little redundant, considering that a rather successful ad campaign has been going on for nearly a century now.

It's called the ENTIRE FREAKIN' ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.

But I guess tottering on the edge of bankruptcy will cause a state to do funny things...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2013:

Trumped-up water fears scammers built stir

naive public thinking off-kilter!

Bottled water? Scam to Rule!

Seems to me that a fool

and money buy...water filters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2013:

Okay, so, as usual, as it should be, Americans are focused on proceeding as normal after the Boston Marathon attacks, under the reasoning that the best thing to do in these situations is refusing to be terrorized.

But we think this should be upped a notch. We should be laughing at those two chuckleheads.

Seriously. Apparently, the Brothers Dim were in league with Al-Qaida affiliates, right?

Al-Qaida. The bunch that pulled of the September 11 attacks.

And THIS is the best they can do? Kill three people with perhaps the nation's most famous marathon, and one of the best attended ones, as a target?

The living brother with the unpronounceable name? We need, say, Don Rickles, David Cross--top comedians visiting him in his hospital room, laughing AT them... A bit like a roast, but with no underlying love beneath the zingers. Have famous comics also show-up at the other morons funeral!

"Terrorists"? How about... "Error-ists"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2013:

Nerds waxed cool as tech geeks got rich;

soon stars started claiming nerd itch!

Then, too hip became a slur...

Now? Social lines are blurred--

seems "nerd" and "hipster" roles switched!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2013:

I guess today falls under the "What the Hell Were You Thinkin'?" category--

Late night, post-show, starving. Hit Subway--cheap, quick, open. Order... Falafel.

Guess you can imagine things from there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2013:

California ads on TV?

Whole Entertainment Industry's

one big Cali shill!

Guess strange things state's will

do tottering on bankruptcy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2013:

Headline out of Chicago--

"Alderman: Raise Smoking Age to 21"

This is the kind of, er, "innovative" legislation you see with governmental budgets ridiculously screwed, long-term, difficult fixes necessary...and politicians seeking to divert attention to ANYTHING else...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2013:

For Freedom's sake, laugh at clod "terrorists"!

Killed three? Clearly, clowns lack a flair for this!

Best to keep on, normal life!

Laugh at dorks, too--fuel's rife!

Wannabes, really, more "error-ists"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Carol Burnett's Birthday!...

Not doin' it for you? How about... Happy Extra Cheezy Anniversary of the Chernobyl Disaster?

Ahem.

There's also... Our Internet is down, at least as we type this. Think you e-mail list folks already missed a day thanks to this.

We'll remind you, though, that all of this is in the Archives. We still haven't missed a day. It's just that... We're not entirely sure what the hell's going on here.

Everything was fine, Internet wise, both DSL and wireless router, then... Must've been the brief power outage.

Something went all Chris Brown on our Internet access.

Things will return to normal... Well, when they return to normal... Assuming, of course, they WILL return to normal... Whatever, you know, "normal" is..

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2013:

Spring rainstorms made Peeping Greg dour,

but, rather than from the gales cower,

stoked-up fine self-pleasin'

in spirit of season--

'hind bush, watched next door April's showers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2013:

Just wondering... Following a storm, and accompanying power surges, and accompanying baffling screw-ups to routers and Internet connections and people's very lives and schedules... Well, do the Amish see an uptick in converts?...

Seriously, any Amish reading this?... Guess they stand as much chance to be reading this as anybody else considering, as we compose this entry, we have no guarantees we'll ever be on the Internet again to post this...

How DO we go Amish, anyway?... Amish check-wear's kinda hot, in it's own way; could get used to that...

Happy Extra Cheezy Amish-Appreciating Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2013:

'Fore ordering, sure, I did waffle;

voice, back of head, warned, "Sounds Godawful!"

Late night, starved, not caring to

think--munchies derring-do!--

had me brave... Subway Falafel!?!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2013:

Internet + storm + power surge = Mother Nature's version of a terrorist attack...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/28/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: C'Mon!

That was a ridiculously long and involved Sunday Story Time last week, ya' gotta admit, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

Hack at cha' next week?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2013:

Smoke age? Chi-Town pol wants to fudge it

to 21? Here's how to judge it--

Innovation, fans the flames!

At Doomsday's door, play game--

"Folks, keep your eye off the budget"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2013:

Headline--

"Burger King Adding Delivery Service"

Hmmm.

But we're obese because of...large sodas.

Okay, then...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2013:

'Net's down? I cry out for my mom! Wish

she were here. Wreaks havoc like bomb dished!

I largely praise Fruits of Tech--

now, offline? Nervous wreck!

Right chick, hot bonnet... 'd'go Amish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2013:

Don't you love it when you're Internet's down and you call the India Chat Line...er, customer support line, only to be told, while holding, that you can go online for customer support?...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.