Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2013:

To world at large, still myst'ry who

but "bom" in "bom dee dop dee doo"...

He/she's surely on a List--

dubbed doo-wop terrorist!--

or 'mong Guantanamo Crew!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2013:

Now we almost never watch daytime TV, but the other day... Let's just say that after a nuclear or ecological holocaust, the only creatures sure to survive will be cockroaches...and "The Jerry Springer Show"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2013:

'Mid "Dog Days," named for Dog Star's peak

point 'bove in sky, mid-summer weeks.

But these days, one might infer,

"Dog Days" could be named fer

skin shown--and natsh'nal physique!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2013:

So... "Selfie"?

Now, we've long realized that language is a living, constantly evolving entity--and in fact find that delightful.

But we're just now facing up to the fact that, apparently, every new word from here on out will be annoying...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2013:

A hot public speaker chick, chock full

of wise motivational crock-bull,

to young Ned, told tale, with he

on lap--in puberty--

tale warmed--hell, steamed-up--his cockles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2013:

Sphincter?

Damn near killed her!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2013:

Is Satan behind Christian Mingle?

Ad's song alone--pain's like ear shingles!

No nonprof--ad costs make clear!

Help poor? What's "Christian" here?

Featured dorks? Praise God I'm single!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2013:

Funny, but one finds tourists far less annoying when one receives tips from tourists...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/4/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Nope.

Busy; just got an actual job-job for the first time in many moons; entails a ridiculous amount of script memorization; get back to this piffle soon-ish...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2013:

If Chinese philosophy soothes ya',

here's nugget to "wow!" and amuse ya'--

the favorite color,

these life-meaning mullers?

Hands down--there's no contest--Confuchsia!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2013:

We're recently identified a strange phenomena in humor deficiency.

To use a local example, the Chicago Tribune, and all of its various outlets, specifically in this case its "young hipster geared" weekday, City of Chicago free RedEye edition... Well, it's just not funny, even when it's obviously trying to be--and, likewise, it's "hipness" screams not "hip" but "trying to be hip."

Now, this doesn't seem to make sense, at least via an initial, logical take on the matter. Guess it falls under that "sum is greater or lesser than its parts" type of reasoning. But I've seen columnists in RedEye whom I personally know to be highly funny individuals who pen things that... Somehow end up not so funny in RedEye.

A similar, perhaps worse, situation exists at Chicago's major "alt" weekly, the Chicago Reader. Awesome arts coverage, far better than the dailies even, but... Obviously working at the "hip" and "funny" stuff.

Now, the Chicago Reader does a "Best of Chicago" edition each June and, this year, dubbed RedEye to be the wittiest local media outlet for headline puns and such.

We figure that, having isolated this phenomena, we should name it, so--

Institutional Lame-ity...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2013:

"Donations Down, Livestrong, Thanks to

'Roids"--headline informs me and you!

And investigative's, said,

style of reporting's dead?

Next headline shock--"Sky is Blue"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2013:

Recall any dreams last night, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?

We only ask because as of 04:58:30 today, we're half-way through summer.

So any would be mid-summer night's dreams.

For what that's worth.

If anything...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2013:

Here's new movie monster--it's from the

rich upper class! Though slow and clumsy,

its strength's supernatural!

Fate's Path, won't snatch a girl--

but GUY like lost love..."The Mumsy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2013:

You know the old trick for keeping salt dry, where you put a few grains of rice in the ol' shaker?

Well, kernels of popcorn work just as well.

Hard at work, discovering stuff, Columbus o' the Kitchen...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2013:

Though no competition for singers,

must be real commercial ka-chinger--

still on?! (Rare glance, day TV.)

Post-nuke war, left will be

just roaches...and Jerry Springer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2013:

While we at Daily Limerick have expressed, on a number of occasions, being NEAR offended about some developments--close enough to semi-, sorta understand the hot, hep, happening phenom of "being offended" over something... In the end, we're just not the types to be legitimately offended.

We don't really get what it's all about. Seems to us we can just watch/read/pay attention to other things than that which might cause this mysterious "offense" stuff.

Or so we thought.

Now, we're proud to announce that we "get" it! We can bond with the rest of the human race by finally understanding this trend and becoming hot and bothered, while frothing at the mouth, getting all in a tizzy, etc., etc., et. al.

We're full-on offended by...people getting offended!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2013:

Mid-point summer, Tuesday morn deemed!

Thus o'ernight visions sleep beamed

this past week with slumber--

of fears, tears, joy, lumber--

are--it's fact!--Mid-Summer Night's Dreams!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2013:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall that recently, I (Chief Limericist here) tried my hand at directing a play.

Things went well, and not so well, as to be expected. I always figured the directing would've went better if I wouldn't have had so much on my plate--also producing the show, marketing it, etc.

But now I know what the problem was--I wasn't wearing a baseball cap!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2013:

There once was a fellow named Cutter,

got lucky, but pad was so cluttered,

when he reached for needed tube,

couldn't find trusty lube--

hit fridge and subbed real nut-butter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2013:

If you, "Don't do windows," you're a bit of a diva.

But if you, "Don't do Windows"... Well, that's perfectly understandable...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2013:

When tourists be my radar's blips,

on their pokey, hokey-dressed trips,

I'm strongly annoyed!

But new gig--employed!--

sure alters view...when they give TIPS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2013:

All things considered, regarding its treatment of Americans and the American economy... Wouldn't a better name for "Bank of America" be "Bank of al-Qaida"?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/11/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Summer Vacation

Sure, we're not school kids or politicians but... Insanely busy, so we'll pretend we're combination school kid/politicians and get to you... Well, if we're all lucky, "school" will resume early again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2013:

My hepness--took age to extend with

sensation that so long has trended

of taking offense--

fin'ly see the sense!

Offended by...folks who're offended!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy 14th Anniversary of the National Poetry Slam's All Limerick Slam!

That which I, Chief Limericist here, hosted (and actually won--early slot, weekday, for some reason, so needed more contestants)... And also that for which I put together a little e-mail list, promising a Limerick a day leading up to the festivities, which ended up becoming a thing called Daily Limerick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2013:

New words, came to terms, folks employing,

help English evolve--not destroying!

Still I cannot help be

irked by likes of, "selfie"--

accept, too, most will be annoying!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2013:

President Obama tossed out another batch of those "Presidential Medals of Freedom" recently, more of those awards that, in our opinion, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know... Well, are hopelessly hokey.

Like "Academy" and "Grammy" awards, they tend to honor people long after their prime, when they SHOULD have been honored, but weren't dubbed "safe" by the Establishment. Also, we're not big fans of politicians attempting to be "hep," feeling they have more important things to focus on and... But we digress.

This time around, one went to Ernie Banks, aka Mr. Chicago Cubs.

In this case, at least under the philosophy of the song about "Bobby McGee," the "Freedom" part applies because... Well, Chicago Cubs? "Freedom's just another word for, 'nothing left to lose'"?

Then again, it's a bit of a subjective "glass half-empty or half-full" kinda thing, considering the Cubs probably have a whole lot more games to lose--likely through the end of Humankind...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2013:

Bought huge snack bag, tryin' to be frugle--

count nearly numbered in the googles!

Tried eating--but failed!--

before some went stale...

Still have nightmares about... The Bugles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2013:

In an effort to be more inclusive, we're takin' our Wednesday "Food" content beyond humans and looking at fish today.

Specifically, the Pacu. This South American fish has somehow made its way to Scandinavia, where men are being warned... Well, one of its favorite foods happens to be testicles.

In the 1970s, the summer movie "Jaws" had people afraid of going into the water, but this Pacu has that old flick beat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2013:

Some pubs with dry, yet storied, names

seek to join the humor/snark game

but, 'spite using humor's best,

somehow still fail the test--

fate's, "Institutionally Lame"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2013:

While still firmly believing that people should do a better job adhering to the time-honored rules of common etiquette, we'll also admit that etiquette, like most everything else, evolves.

For example, while it's still wrong to hit someone wearing glasses, if those glasses happen to be Google Glass, the only faux pas is NOT clocking that chowderhead right between the eyes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2013:

Play's role sucked me in--soon at bat...

Directing? Went well, if bit flat!

So swamped--blame surmised!

Pros pics, though, tell why--

I didn't wear a baseball hat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2013:

An "asshole," be definition, is someone who simply can't turn the other cheek.

Because, you know, they're, er, right between the two, um...

Happy Extra Cheezy Anniversary of Elvis' death!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2013:

There once was a fellow named Reese,

took Deep South vacation release!

Met fine Southern belle

and hit it off swell--

so took bite of ripe Georgia piece!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2013:

You could say that dating a virgin is a game of "Hymen Says"!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2013:

Corp names use forms of "U.S.A." ta'

fool--they're ones we should be afraid'a!

Take Bank of America--

bailed-out, still unfair! Fa!

Better name's, "Bank of al-Qaida"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2013:

This just in... Black is the "New Black"!... And the Old Black!... Not to mention the Current Black and the Future Black!... Never understood that nonsense... For that matter, Forty is the "New Forty," etc., etc., et. al...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/18/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Night of Ephemeral Elvis-ness

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that, in getting personal, so to speak, via Sunday Story Time (specifically meant for such things, as we try to keep S&Y mostly non-personal, to remain un-blog-like), I'm more likely to make fun of myself than brag.

But sometimes... Hey, why not--at least when it also makes a good story?

The charm, and occasionally the bane, of live performance is the "in the moment, can't be recreated" nature of certain gigs. While most poems, routines, gags, etc. are fine for reuse--and I generally strive to write/craft stuff that avoids timeliness--I inevitably create some with a timely peg.

Additionally, factors like audience, ambiance, setting, mood and just how "on" a given performance is ensure that each performance, whether or not the material is "timely," is arguably one-of-a-kind.

Today's entry concerns one of my greatest performances ever, all factors concerned. Perhaps even THE greatest...but such things are too subjective for such specific ratings.

The work in question was a Stand-Up Poem, an entry in my News Poetry canon, "FEMA." Titled for the Federal Emergency Management Agency of the United States, of course, set to the rhyme scheme of Peggy Lee's "Fever." Written during the George W. Bush Presidency, it focused on that administration's handling, through FEMA, of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, which was widely criticized.

The setting was Chicago's Green Mill, a historic jazz club, once reportedly owned by a top hit man for Al Capone. The Green Mill is home to the original Poetry Slam, born in the 1980s and running every Sunday to this day, and the performance occurred for the Slam, specifically on the last Sunday before that year's Halloween.

Costumed attendees were plentiful. For my part, I donned a late period Elvis style jumpsuit, complete with cape and fake rhinestones. Since Elvis had covered "Fever," this seemed to all fit together. While I didn't have a decent Elvis-style wig, I donned one of my signature hats, in this case a derby, and... Well, as strange as it sounds, it worked. I was enough of a Slam regular at that point that the Sloop persona gelled with the Elvis.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that particular Slam to be one of the occasional special nights where a great band assembles on stage, not only doing a few numbers between songs, but willing to accompany any poets desiring their services. A damn accomplished band, too--more than able to provide whatever tone/style/etc. each individual poet requests.

Asking a jazz band if they know "Fever" is like asking a therapist if he's heard of Freud.

Combine all of these factors with the timing of my poetic news peg, with Katrina and the Bush Team's handling of it a hot and timely topic, toss in a great, full crowd and... Well, among performing types, gigs in TV, movies, video, etc., with their superior monetary potential and "permanence" in the public record, are widely considered the Golden Geese.

Personally, however, while I most certainly wouldn't turn down those Geese--and covet them myself--nothing beats an in-the-moment live performance for personal satisfaction and enjoyment. The immediate feedback and direct communication can't be reproduced by other media.

I didn't make any money from this "Fever" performance. In fact, I LOST money, what with the Slam's cover charge and overpriced drinks.

But it was nonetheless one of my greatest performances. Laughs in all the right places--and even in some unexpected ones. I fed off the audience energy like Frankenstein's Monsters to lighting.

In fact, it was perhaps THE greatest performance of my career. M'Lady at the time said it was the greatest overall poetry performance she'd ever witnessed. And she's a "tell it like it is" dame.

The Bush/FEMA/Katrina debacle is well remembered and will probably remain so for some time. So the poem is technically still "good" for performance but...it's pretty much retired.

To my knowledge, no audio or video recording of that night's performance exists. Yet even if such record did exist, it's outings like this that embody the phrase, "You had to be there"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2013:

New President's Medals of Freedom!

One to...Ernie Banks? We'll concede, um...

If "freedom's" just 'nother word,

"naught left to lose," then, sure--

who's out-lost Cubs? That's their fiefdom!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2013:

In honor of former President Bill Clinton's Birthday, we... Er, guess we'll keep our party details private. It's tough enough as it is landing interns here in the Daily Limerick, um, Towers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2013:

Time honored rule, etiquette, class is

you don't hit a man wearing glasses,

but times change--these rules evolve!--

if the eyewear involved

is Google Glass? Deck their asses!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2013:

The other day--Chief Limericist checking in here--I exited the shower, went to dab on some cologne and...whoops! Totally doused myself in the stuff to an obnoxious level! Anyway, next thing I know, a dance club broke out around me!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2013:

"Don't do windows"? At them you scoff?

You're diva, I say, nose aloft,

unless won't do one brand name,

in which case, sure can't blame--

if you won't do Microsoft's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2013:

I made so much homemade spaghetti sauce this weekend that I'm now a Pastafarian!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2013:

South 'Mer'can fish, Pacu's, route cuts

way Nordic. Fave food? Testes! What's

up with that? A warning's tipped

to men--don't skinny dip!

No, "if's," "and's" or--flout it?--nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2013:

We just discovered that, for some unimaginable reason, "Big Brother" is still on the air!

Alright. Who's encouraging them? C'mon! 'Fess up! Who's the guy watching?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2013:

There's time-honored game, "Simon Says,"

but when guy tries, make time, and says,

though trying for mergin',

he's dating a virgin--

thus playing the game, "Hymen Says"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2013:

Now, we're big fans of comedy in all its forms. But especially since some of us here in the, um, Daily Limerick Towers are comics ourselves, and we'd rather not single-out a specific festival for ridicule... Well, we're being a bit careful with this one.

Meaning, we're not going to link this or give the full, identifying headline here.

However, it needs to be said that, considering the "everything in moderation" guideline and... Well, some of us have seen MANY, MANY comedians. In some cases, all at once--pulling, say, the #104 slot in a big festival's try-out, thus having to wait it out experiencing ONE HUNDRED AND THREE FREAKIN' COMEDIANS IN A ROW... Ahem.

Okay. Here's that partial headline, followed by our response--

"400 Improv Comics Perform"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!...

Did we mention... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!... For the love of all that's good and right in the world... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2013:

Once Prince Charming matched the Glass Slipper,

went straight for a piece of ass! Ripped her

dress off! But she'd not indulge

'til Cindi matched his bulge

to perfect fit 'hind Glass Zipper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2013:

You know who I am?

Chief Limericist checking in, here...but that's not the answer.

Regarding my semi-participation in social media, I'm not threatening, dangerous, or anything, so people seem to at least tolerate me. I mostly mumble to myself...er, comment to myself, although occasionally someone seems to find my words amusing.

But I'm the guy standing on the e-street corner, in his own little world. Occasionally I pay attention to the e-world around me, leap into some conversation and give my comments, surprising the other, regular participants...and then I vanish again.

I don't follow the accepted rules of this society. I only pop in and out with my awareness, unlike others who apparently stay involved most of their waking hours.

I don't fully understand this Village or the Villagers, but don't have the patience to figure it all out to a greater degree.

In other words, I am the Social Media Global Village Idiot...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2013:

From common cliche and press hacks,

always "new black" 'bout which they yak!

(Likewise, 'bout "new forty"!)

Ignore blath'ring hordes! See,

new, old, future "new black" is...black!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2013:

So it looks like Bradley Manning will soon become a woman.

Not sure why this is a big news story. Fairly common for a guy entering prison...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/25/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Last Cell Phone Holdout Goes Down

Got myself a brand new cell phone recently, which seems normal enough on its face, except for the fact that it was my very first.

No, I'm not in junior high.

Ironically, the only sales job I've ever held was at a cell phone/car phone/pager store in the early 1990s. For this gig, which I wasn't very good at and which was short-lived, I received a free pager and was entitled to cell phone discounts but... The whole scene and image of cell phones was different then.

Cell phones were relatively expensive in the early 1990s. The first question many had when confronted with the new phenom was often, "Do I really need the ability to be contacted anywhere, any time?" The answer, for most people, was "no." Thus, cell phones were mainly the province of, say, attorneys, politicians, CEOs--those sorts. The Important People.

Actually, the vast majority of cell phone users then were those who wanted to LOOK important. Which is why I, like many, became a Cell Phone Naysayer. Only, unlike many, my attitude didn't change by the 2000s.

In fact, I still answer the question, "Do I really need the ability to be contacted anywhere, any time?" with a resounding "no," but a job says otherwise.

See... Well, I've prattled frequently via S&Y about how this so called Communication Age actually harms communication, practically speaking. I've noticed over the years how friends, as they get cell phones, Facebook pages, what-have-you, progressively become less likely to return calls/e-mails/etc. on a timely basis. Perhaps because the thinking is, "I can return that call ANYTIME, so I'll wait a bit," as opposed to the age-old, "Wow! I've received a letter in the mail! How exciting! Let me sit right down this instant and answer that letter! Then walk it to the post office..." Etc.

By the same token, the convenience of Always In Contact makes folks lazy. Why keep a grocery list when you can call from the aisles and ask your mate what's missing from the fridge? Why plan your route to your friend's new apartment ahead of time when you can check Google Maps via smart phone as you walk to the subway? Why bother with timeliness when you can just call your friend from the highway and let him know you're late so he doesn't arrive at the bar a half-hour before you?

People were often amazed when they learned I had no cell phone. They got all flustered. "Really? How do you get by? What do you do when you're running late?" To which I reply, "I make appointments on time."

What a concept!

I have a bunch of ingrained habits. I notice something low in the fridge, I add it to my grocery list. If I'm supposed to arrive somewhere by 7 p.m., I shoot for 6:45 p.m. Etc., etc.

As a Cell Phone Naysayer, I've assessed the situation over time. One, two, maybe three times each year at most where a cell would've been handy, say I'd encounter a situation where an emergency arose en route to an appointment, or a train was delayed, or someone said, "Text me when you're downstairs"... Really. A few times  year at most.

Through 99.999999 percent of human history, there were no phones, much less cell phones or smart phones--and people made appointments.

Of course, for the past decade or so, I've thought, "I'll eventually get one of those cell phone thingies." (Although I've fantasized about becoming famous before that happened and having the clout to say, "I just don't want a cell phone--the media and all My People can just work around that.")

In 2007, I had decent full-time work, debt payments under control, the ability to even save a little each month...and my first cell phone seemed to be just around the corner. But there was a negative change in command at the job, I became en guard against the possibility of losing said job...and entered Conservation Mode. Or, "Why take on another monthly bill with uncertain future income--especially since I've managed without a cell phone this long already?"

The work environment waxed progressively uglier, I began looking for a different job, unsuccessfully... Ultimately, I just couldn't take it any longer. I quit the job and went full-time freelance, which actually earned me greater income once I got up to speed. However, I thought it best to put off the Cell Phone Thing a bit longer, just to be cautious, making sure the freelance thing would pan-out long term. Plus, I was mostly working from home, so the landline was just fine for my purposes.

The continuing rise of the Internet, and blogs and social media and what-have-you, slowly began killing my chosen profession, netting me $20 for theater reviews that once brought $500-plus, etc., and... Well, the Great Recession hit. All the previous reasons for putting off a cell phone were strengthened.

I began to learn that many friends in similar situations were acquiring cheapo cell phones--with pay-as-you-go service and such. Thus they'd use cell phones in the way I intend to--when completely necessary, as phones and not so much for e-mail and the like--while using the simple, cheapo landline for most calling and the trusty computer for Internet-y stuff rather than a smart phone.

I also stumbled into producing/directing a play, making a cell phone near-necessary (to be contacted by troupe members running late to rehearsal, etc.), but... Well, I was still broke. In fact, marginally employed until recently. And the Cell Phone Naysayer in me was somehow strengthening again.

Admittedly, it was starting to get ridiculous. I was the Big Cheeze with the play, but protocol demanded actors call a co-producer for emergencies, tardiness, etc. Folks were "texting" my landline, or trying to--just assuming that everyone, even some homeless, has a cell/smart phone now. I'd be asked, "Why don't you get a damn cell phone?" with increasing frequency. I'd think twice about chatting up good looking ladies because my lack of a cell phone began slapping my self esteem. ("What kind of person DOESN'T have a cell phone today?")

However, a new Grand Plan arose. I received an iPad as a birthday present and immediately began finagling that to become my sole computer. Oh, the tech industry wants us all to buy a phone and tablet and mp3 player and computer... But via the world of apps and a keyboard attachment, I'm slowly enacting this Grand Plan with success. It's not easy, often downright befuddling, but it's doable, over time, with research and work hours and such.

I've already downloaded an app through which I can text or call, but... Well, wi-fi is mostly useless on-the-go. There are cellular iPads, however, so the Final Phase of my Grand Plan entails eventually, once I've fully turned my iPad into my One Computer, and the price of the much more expensive cellular iPads comes down, as these things inevitably do... Well, computer, phone, tablet, mp3 player, all that and more--all in one!

Take that, tech industry!

I still intend to follow this Grand Plan through to its Grand Conclusion, but I finally landed real employment, in a favorable field, which requires making short calls from "in the field," as they say and... I now have a cell phone.

Now, I'll never feel the urge to constantly yammer away, wherever I am, in conversation. I'll still indulge the vast majority of phone conversations from home, partly because I'll never understand this "new privacy," whereby the most personal discussions are deemed "safe" beneath an imagined Cell Phone Bubble.

Hell, even if I'm NOT talking juicy details or what-have-you, privacy just seems to go hand-in-hand with personal conversations. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, for good and bad.

As soon I got the actual cell phone, via FedEx, I immediately gave the number to my new employer--before charging it fully or figuring out voicemail or...anything. It arrived on a busy day, I was working the next morning... Figured I'd just blot out a little time after my shift to figure out those little things.

But I heard a strange, tingly, musical noise as I exited the shower before that work shift, discovered it to be my employer calling and... Fittingly, the world began calling my cell phone before I was completely ready to start using it.

I doubt I was the absolute LAST cell phone holdout. But I must've been among a ridiculously small demographic.

And now I'm not.

But since I've been typing proficiently and speedily via a regular, full-sized, time-tested keyboard since grade school, you're not gonna get me to start pecking away at those lame-o, miniscule, text-y bastard keyboards.

Never!

Naysaying isn't inherently a bad thing, folks. I've gotta continue to draw a line SOMEWHERE...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2013:

Cologne, morn routine, dabbed about

my bod... Whoops! Far too much! Damn spout!

Obnoxious! Soon found--

I turned quick around...

A dance club somehow had broke out!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2013:

Slapper Yapper Grashoppers should know that I (Chief Limericist checking in, here) rent out the spare rooms in my condominium to afford the joint. Usually to complete strangers.

To put it mildly, this has made for an interesting situation.

In fact, I'm considering the idea of setting up cameras around the joint and filming my own "reality" show entitled, "Big Bother"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2013:

Though, really, I'm member of swarm,

headline? Let's say, heart wasn't warmed...

Though festival billed,

gut? Head for the hills!

"Four-hundred Improv-ers Perform"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2013:

Urbanite Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will understand where we're coming from on this one.

We've recently learned that the bend-over-backwards-to-be-"bike friendly" City of Chicago has looked at its policy regarding drivers "door-ing" cyclists and increased...the FINE for such behavior?

Fine? Not REWARD?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2013:

Baptized Catholic--but flock contrarian!

Explored likes of Zen, Rastafarians...

But faith came to get ME--

made so much spaghetti,

I'm now convert to...Pasta-farian!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2013:

For the last Wednesday of unofficial "Food"-related content in August, we wanted to mention that, if you do a little research, you'll find that August, and July before it, were months added by Roman rulers of the Caesar family.

You know, the cats responsible for that salad...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2013:

With "Big News," the Media's fizzin'!

Bradley Manning's inner dame's risen!

Not sure what the "news" here be,

seems rather ord'nary--

for a guy headed to prison!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2013:

We're mostly of the "progressive" political sorts here at Daily Limerick, but whenever we encounter those Greenpeace, etc., chowderheads gettin' all pushy on urban streets with their clipboards and pleas for one's time and money... Well, we must fight the urge to barbecue up some endangered species...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2013:

No whippersnap--not like a kid wit' it--

Facebook and such, try to force fit wit' it...

Of usage? Semi-aware;

chime-in brief--out of there...

I'm the Global Village Idiot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2013:

Nissan reports it will have fully self-driving vehicles by 2020.

We can hear the imagine the scope of jokes already but, seriously, if you've ever driven at all... It can only be an improvement...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2013:

There once was a fellow named Hoff,

went clubbing to find chicks to boff,

danced to Miley Cyrus,

spied hot babe desirous--

reached down and... Could say, he "Twerked-off"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2013:

Pondering the idea of what they call a "May-December" relationship (Chief Limericist checking in, here), I don't consider myself THAT old, but have a predilection for women a bit younger, but in considering the meaning of the analogy, perhaps too closely... Well, I'm actually seeking more of an "April-July" kinda thing...

Happy Extra Cheezy Last Saturday of August!...

 

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