Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2013:

Groundhog Eve! While nestling in bed,

post "Night Before Groundhog's" been read,

do count all your blessings!

Then visions...I'm guessing...

of...holes?...rodents?...dance in your head?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day Eve!...

(It's a Saturday this time around so prepare to party Punxatawny style!)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2013:

Today, we'll use Groundhog as Sage--

how long 'til, on Winter, turn page?

Goofball? Willy-nilly?

So is it less silly

than crapshoot from weatherman's gauge?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy, Rockin' Groundhog Day Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2013:

Brazil's tragic fire--what a fright!

Killed hundreds in packed nightclub site!

Full safety? Too hectic

for band's pyrotechnics...

Who do they think they are? Great White?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2013:

Oh, man... Groundhog Day Saturday Night... Be quiet, for Elvis' sake, Fred the Intern!... No content today...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/3/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Skipping the Annual Needle Ritual

Whoooah! If that title doesn't seem to forebode a debaucherously exciting entry this week!

But the needles I refer to are pine needles. Specifically, from a Christmas Tree. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should recall my mentioning before, in DL and/or SST, that each year, after taking down the Christmas Tree and decorations, I save a twig from the previous year's tree, one ripe with needles, to keep amid my desktop knickknacks as an admittedly cornball way of "keeping Christmas throughout the year," as Scrooge resolved to do at the end of "A Christmas Carol."

SSGs should also know that my mother passed away at the beginning of the last Christmas Season, December 1.

All things considered, it wasn't a horrible Christmas Season. Weird and all, which would go with the territory, but I managed to catch some spirit here and there.

I did skip the Needle Ritual this year, though.

As a way of holding off the stark truth? Keeping not LAST Christmas all year, but the previous Christmas--the last one that included Mom?

Actually, it IS a question, as I simply forgot about the Needle Ritual until I realized I'd forgotten to save a twig--after hauling the dry, old tree out by the dumpsters for Recycling Pickup Day.

Not to get all mystical on ya', and I don't know whether or not anything subconscious was at work for this, but... Seems just an added, if symbolic, way of keeping Mom in my heart, all throughout the years...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2013:

Entranced--Super Bowl Halftime's grip--

all eyes were on Beyonce's lips...

So what'd you all think?

Again'd she lip-sync?

(My eyes were instead on her hips!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2013:

Headline--

"Teens Charged With Killing Man Over Cigarette"

You know, it's been a while since we've thanked all the Big Mother Movement activists and tax-addicted politicians for driving up the price of tobacco so much!

You know, how's it's benefited everyone's health and general well-being and all, without causing smuggling and general crime, like other prohibition, unlike other meddling movements throughout history?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2013:

Tax craze--to foresee this, no Big Bet...

Headline, "Teens Kill Man Over...Cig'rette"!

Thanks, Cult of Big Mother

for forcing your druthers--

and these Prohibition-y bridged deaths!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2013:

Little slice of life, here, on the efficiency of government.

Okay, so I was on the, er, cutting edge of the hit new urban trend, but it was late summer/fall of 2004 when my home, and my entire condo complex, was besieged by bedbugs.

The Chicago City Council got right on this bedbug problem...last week.

So... Okay, we've already repeatedly used that, "Who do they think they are--the Catholic Church" gag in various constructs so... Um... What's the New Deal with that?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2013:

Slice-of-life, gov. efficiency--

'04, bedbugs infested me!

Chi-Town City Council

meets quick to mull pounce bill...

Just last week on "emergency"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2013:

Bacon bit nachos.

One of the many wonders awaiting those raiding the fridge in search of something, anything, new...late at night...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2013:

There leftovers? Chicken or pot roast?

Fridge check! (As if options, unwatched, grow!)

You crave something...new?

With what's there, make due--

create stuff like...bacon bit nachos!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2013:

Taking in some post-Super Bowl, ad commentary, which focused on the role of social media, heard Twitter described as "in the moment" but Facebook as "more contemplative."

Contemplative?

So?... Aw, thought in general is just SOOOO last century...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2013:

Heard take med'ya expert imparted,

on 'Net buzzes Big Bowl kick-started...

Dubbed Twits, breaking-news give;

Facebook?... "Contemplative"?...

Oh, like recent post seen, "I farted"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2013:

This just in... Evite still exists!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2013:

A horny young turk, name of Hoff,

cruised social sites for chicks to boff!

With come-ons all nixed

he'd ogle the pics

and... Guess you could say, he'd "Tweet-off"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2013:

Trying to make a slow transition from dying print media to broadcast (Chief Limericist checking in, here)... Well, here's something I overheard... Not sure of the TV source nor who the hell they were talking about, but--

"He got an erection just KISSING a girl."

So, that inappropriate, right? Which means... Er... How do we put this?... They couldn't be talking about ME, could they?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2013:

Was pon'd'ring with nostalgic twist...

When Evite helped folks' event lists?...

Checked e-mail... Oh, my!

I'm not quite sure WHY...

But folks... Wow! Evite still EXISTS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2013:

So... Those Corona beer commercials, all about "finding your beach" and all that crap?

Well, that dude who's always sitting around, doing nothing, eager to give someone else, ANYONE else a beer, so they can join him in slacking?

I suppose they've focus-grouped the shit out of that, but... Just questioning the use of that doofus...while wondering where he's hiding the bong...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/10/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahhh...

...No edition today.

See, we write these up to a week ahead of time, and Groundhog Day falling on a Saturday... Oh, my aching taint!... See ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2013:

Fight tough flu--fights back; puts up dukes! Its

new symptoms... Each day brings a new twist!

Think to end you're humming;

tip--hints at what's coming?--

from recent flu victim... What? Mucus?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2013:

Saw a Valentine's Day ad circular shilling... Shower head? $20?... Now, I don't normally, you know, pay for that sort of thing, but that's such a bargain that... Oh... Okay... Don't really need one of those right now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2013:

For Paczki Day, to cut the mustard,

just eat paczki! Need not get flustered!

Get lovin'--face scroonch-kies,

then make like a paczki...

And revel in mess o' the custard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2013:

Excitement of Fat Tuesday measures-

up from shunning soon vice you treasure...

Not crazy 'bout that "repent"

stuff, so I'll quit for Lent

anything that don't bring pleasure!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2013:

Cheeze on Cheeze crime.

Catch the wave.

Actually, it's far from a crime to try various ratios of cheeze crackers and cheeze puffs in your snacking mouthfuls.

Just liked the phrase.

Nonetheless, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, catch that wave...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2013:

For Valentine's Day'd think see task as pure--

just celebrate love, to heart's grasp defer!

But those nervous to impress

or lonely see no less

than date which marks famous massacre!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2013:

Whether you're on your own or one of those lucky (or unlucky?) bastards with that Special Someone... Happy Extra Cheezy St. Valentine's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2013:

As crime can, brings me to my knees...

in good way, for I snack to please!

Just take a cheeze puff;

'tween cheeze crackers stuff...

No snack crime to go...cheeze-on-cheeze!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2013:

So the International Olympic Committee, always jiggering and rejiggering the specific competitions to balance tradition and new events will, for 2020, cut...wrestling?

That's right. Not, say, "Xtreme Bieber Snowboarding" or whatever-the-hell but an event going back to the original freakin' Games.

Guess these are tough decisions. Especially considering that IOC officials are competing in their own unofficial events all along, namely "Xtreme Doping Witch Hunt" and "Team Relay Corporate Sponsorship"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2013:

A horn-dog, quite handsome, if mangy,

craved long women--height to phalanges!

Heart homeless, yet playful...

'til he met tall Rachel--

and found his heart's, "Home on the Rangy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2013:

"Where, o where has Jennifer Love Hewitt gone?... Oh where, o where can she be?"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2013:

O'erheard pundit spurred introspection!

Dissed famed...perhaps pol in election?

Whatever the facts

he's dead wrong, mean hack--

why'd NOT chick's "mere" kiss cause erection?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2013:

Apparently, an uproar has arisen over rapper Lil Wayne's lyrics dissing Emmett Till and... Well.

Shouldn't it only be "newsworthy" when a rapper DOESN'T offend someone or some group?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/17/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahhhhhhhhhh!...

In other words... No edition today.

Which translates as, "Ahhhhhhhhhh!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2013:

Sure, President's Day's hard to dig--

who's off? School kids and gov'ment gigs?...

Trick to party right

your President's Night...

What? Powder-up your pubic wig?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy President's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2013:

Valentine's ad deal! Ain't much bread,

twenty-five bucks for "shower head"?

Though... Lovin' for pay?

I don't roll that way...

Oh... Ad means a FAUCET instead...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2013:

Whoah... Er, not much content today... Recovering from Presidents Day... Still wearing the crotchless Grover Cleveland outfit...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2013:

Re-jigg'ring events now on-deck fer

Twenty-Twenty, IOC peckers

choose to cut...wrestling?

Orig'nal Greek thing?

Rather than, perhaps... Xtreme checkers?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2013:

Ah, the delightfully exotic world of fruit-flavored candy!

Among the candy-eating community, perhaps even the snacking community at large, chocolate stands as the most popular indulgence.

And, hey, I love me some chocolate, too, but I'm also a big fan of fruity candies. Runts, nerds, gummy creations... Mmm.

I've noticed that the "fruit" flavors of candy are... Well, different than the real fruits they're to mirror. Which isn't "bad" just...as I said, different.

Okay, okay. The vast majority are artificially flavored--although you'd be surprised sometimes by... F'rinstance, Crunch Berries contain real strawberry juice. But, really, "blue raspberry"?... Anyway.

This leads to some interesting twists to the tastebuds. When talkin' real fruit, my faves are easily berries, while, practically speaking, I eat the time-honored apple-a-day.

But when you get down to candy fruit... I probably dig banana most. Followed by orange, then grape... And it gets crazier when you start mixing. Strawberry is one of my least favorite Runt flavors, for example, but the banana-strawberry mix is the best blend. Banana-orange or even banana-grape just doesn't jive right, although that'd be a mix of faves...but not a fave-mix.

Somethin' to think about while you're stuffin' your face. If, like me, you make a big, honkin' deal outta everything, apparently...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2013:

With time, Civil Rights see improvement,

yet rappers... Look where Lil Wayne's groove went!

Dis icons, like Emmett Till!

Seems new role rap does fill--

leading Civil Rights (Bowel) Movement!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2013:

Headline--

"Mindy McCready Marks Fifth 'Celebrity Rehab' Death"

You know, despite all the complaints about "Dr." Drew and the public airing of therapy based on "Anonymous" programs, "Celebrity Rehab" seems to be working just as well as any other rehabs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2013:

"Celeb Rehab's" now been the source

of five deaths from likes booze and horse

with Mindy McCready!

Folks call show wrong, greedy--

but that's par for Big Rehab course!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2013:

He who laughs last... Might just be slow-minded...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2013:

Slick Little Jack Horner got some!

Went down there and, now craving plumbs,

poked coochie...no fruit!

Then tried the rear chute...

and both were disturbed at that thumb!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2013:

Here's a futuristic concept for ya'--

Carly Rae...Jetson.

Well. All things considered, it could be a lot worse...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2013:

There's saying that all seem to know,

"He who laughs last, laughs loudest." Though

sometimes jokes of sly wit

take brain power to get--

he who laughs last could just be slow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2013:

Seems folks are all excited about some Big To-Do tonight, which has us a bit confused... Must be...the Blackhawks game?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/24/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Six-Year Fever Curse

My life is about to kick-ass, on every level--thanks to this year's killer flu.

Admittedly, I'm desperately seeking some magic here, although, while I'm generally a big skeptic, I do indulge little superstitions. Like this one.

See, my life sucks. Oh, I'm an optimist overall and such. Not some perpetual grump--I do eek out some enjoyment and laughter from life. Actually, probably more than most, judging by our neurotic society. And I'm adept at relaxing for a little time after a hard day's work, forgetting life's troubles (although, like any human, I sometimes falter in that).

But setting aside the usual givens--it can always be worse, I'm not starving to death, I don't have a fatal or debilitating disease, etc.--my life utterly blows right now, by all common measures.

I've started a theater troupe, with some success, some struggle...and that's the one thing I've been latching onto as a means of hope for the future. (Okay, maybe not the ONLY thing, but...) In short, by the time the Great Recession hit, I was a highly experienced print journalist, with no other experience for a decade-plus and... Well, I'm sure you've heard of the Internet.

Career hit the crapper around 2009. Fiance bailed on me in 2011--shortly after I was hospitalized for a sinister sinus infection. Romantic life hit the crapper after that, too. Social life... Well, every other aspect of my life more or less followed the Crapper Train, too.

This all before a renter/roommate bailed on me, mid-lease (as I have to rent the spare rooms in my joint to afford it, even in good times) and... Well, the Grim Reaper tiptoed through my family tree, among other tragedies, culminating in the death of my mother December 1, 2012.

While there are signs of hope, and there have honestly been slight up-ticks here and there... It's all still mostly in the crapper. Maybe I've begun to climb up the side of the toilet...jigger the metaphor however you will, my life's still inside said crapper.

Which brings me back to this year's killer flu.

I'm a pretty healthy guy. I smoke cigars and was a real bastard to my body as a young man, so I'm sure that much of the reason is being blessed with healthy genes. Oh, I'll get a cold or two here and there, especially in the winter, but usually going to bed early for a night will cure me. That 2011 hospitalization was my first since I was a shaver.

I'm not on any regular medications, my back doesn't bother me... Anyway, so this year's killer flu was far out of the ordinary for me.

This thing stuck around for three weeks. Longer, depending on how you define a flu's end--was a tad congested well past a month. Seemed like there were new symptoms every day. One day, I suddenly had stomach upset, which was lacking the day before. The next morning, stomach okay, but my lower back was stiff and sore. Then, back's okay but upper legs sore... And on and on and on.

The truly wicked flu-fever combo only lasted a couple days, but nothing seemed to speed the recovery process. I'd go to bed early and/or awake later for days...resulting in the typical symptom shuffle. Eat light, eat heavy (never sure which, flu or fever, gets fed and which starved), eat soup... Flu just ran its course on its own schedule.

And those two days of full-on flu-fever? Evil. Normally, when I'm sick, I can still throw on a sweater or whatever to ward off the chills, take it easy physically and do my computer, etc. tasks just fine. But my head was so hot, I could barely think straight.

This evil flu affected me on every level.

As the flu ran its course through my system, I started wondering, "Man, it's been a long time since I've been THIS sick. When WAS I last this bad? Back when I was a kid?..." I didn't have the answer right away, but my mental gears were on it.

Soon-ish afterward, the answer came to me, out of nowhere, as mental gears often present it. And my first thought was, "Yay!"

See, my full reasoning was... "I had a flu like this around Christmas 2006... Remember, my mom caught it, ruining her Christmas? And that coincided with my decent in-office job turning into the worst work environment ever (change in executive director, etc.), which led to going full-time freelance, which tanked by 2009, which led to Great Recession and income woes and love woes and..." Aha!

Since the previous evil flu ushered in the Great Life Swirl Down the Crapper, THIS flu had to bring the end of the curse and, to boot, the beginning of a period of great fortune!

Right?

It's all about maintaining hope. It doesn't matter whether that hand above, ready to yank me from the crapper, is real or imagined...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2013:

Some televised big Whoop-Dee-Doo?

Last night? Why was there ballyhoo?

Caught a Blackhawks game--

cool, but just more same

old, same old... Oh well, got no clue...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2013:

He hee... Ho ho... Hoo-weee!... Man, the industry-turned-punchline never runs out of material--

My printed newspaper still trumpets my morning copy as "Late Sports Final."

See, there was a time when every major-city newspaper WASN'T in bankruptcy and multiple editions were printed throughout the day and... Why not something like, oh... "Death-Bed Edition"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2013:

Far future--hope, doom? Get your bets in!

Here's concept to gauge, causing fret/grin--

with pop culture toying,

sci-fi world annoying,

a singer named Carly Rae...Jetson?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2013:

Having dinner out with my dad the other day, I overheard a couple at an adjacent table, apparently on a first or early date.

You know... Loneliness kinda gets a bad rap.

And it seemed those two were having a GOOD date, too...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2013:

While for age gone, hopelessly wishin',

Old Med'ya, like Sun-Times, gags dishin'--

"Late Sports Final," front proclaims,

like mult.-print-run days rein!

Why not try... "Death Bed Edition"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2013:

Perhaps against better judgment, I read the ingredients of some cheapo meatballs I snagged from the ol' bargain bin recently and... "Mechanically separated chicken"?

Perhaps most disturbing--and there are many levels here--is... Well, why is the processing of the meat in question even mentioned? You don't normally read, say, "Farmer-beheaded chicken." Or "slaughter-house butchered beef."

So... Why? Why, why, why?

And that's without even touching on the question of what the hell "mechanically separated" means.

Anyway... With some spaghetti and sauce, I'll manage to forget...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2013:

The cheap meatballs? Cute as the Dickens!

Read ingredients...hmm... Plot thickens!

"Huh?" levels... Like why address,

rare, how meat is processed?...

"Mechanic'ly sep'rated chicken"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2013:

Twitter--the everlasting open mic...

(Have you ever BEEN to an open mic?... As an observer only?... Well, there ya' go)...

 

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