Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2013:

I'd wish you a Happy New Year...

but short-term still looks crappy here.

So just keep your chin up--

get beered-, wined- or ginned-up--

and 'least have Slap Happy New Year!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy New Year!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2013:

Newtown dork's shoot-up--brain corrupt--

brings knee-jerk reaction, abrupt!

To evil, reaction,

among certain factions,

is... Huh? What the fuck? Gun sales UP?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2013:

So Subway has...pizza?

While our natural inclination is to try an offering so oddball... Well, since Subway so efficiently manages to render tasteless its MAIN FREAKIN' OFFERING (submarine sandwiches), we remind ourselves that there are, indeed, some things mankind should just not know...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2013

"When it rains, it pours"--old as moon,

that saying. For stress piles; spurs swoon!

How stress bunches wildly!

Seems phrase puts it mildly-- I find, "When it rains, it...MONSOONS"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2013:

Looking back at the Godawful experience known as 2012... We wanna do the "glass half-full" thing and say, "If nothing else, 2013 can't possibly be WORSE than 2012."

We'll spare Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers details, but about a year ago, we said, "2012 can't possibly be WORSE than 2011."

And... Well. Ahem. Life replied, "Oh yeah?"

So we're just gonna assume Hell's Parade will continue and hope to be pleasantly surprised, perhaps just with a slightly Godawful 2013.

We'll just leave Fate alone, rather than poking the snarling, temperamental bastard with a stick again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2013:

New Year's Eve thought... Year sucked--whoah, man!

Up's sole way to go for Fate's plan!

"Can't get worse!"... Then my mind cleared...

Don't tempt Fate! Said LAST year

same! Life replied, "Yes, it can!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2013:

Heard that commercial again.

The one that trumpets, "Absolutely no flaking!"

Yet the product is just a frying pan/skillet.

Coming out of the Holidays, hearing from all the exes, dealing with all the possible future exes... Well, one can dream...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2013:

At party for playoffs, hot, tart blonde's

team barely snuck in--so from start gun

she jumped, cheered and jiggled

so much, John was wiggled,

next to her on couch, to "Wild Card-on"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2013:

What does it say about a person--you know, a friend of a friend, brother-in-law's plumber's second cousin, etc.--who, although he plans on taking down his Christmas Tree and decorations the next day...happens to knock down a string of lights going about his daily duties, but stops and takes the time to restring them properly anyway?... Just asking...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of 2013!...

And, we think, the First Extra Cheezy Unnecessarily Complicated Sentence of 2013 from Daily Limerick!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2013:

For football, across our fine nation--

tailgating's the party sensation!

But driving on the highway

must ask, how's Tailgate Day

differ from norm situation?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2013:

San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers threw in the towel on his Twitter account...because he was getting death threats.

As we continue to monitor all the wonderful ways social media has improved our lives...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/6/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Peer Pressure

The rest of the world's not yet back to normal after the Holidays, so we're taking off, too... Write at ya' next Sunday...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2013:

The saying, with truthfulness clicks--

"Behind great man, great dame's in mix."

But this one goes hand-in-hand,

"Behind each fucked-up man

there's string of REAL fucked-up chicks"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2013:

You can only stare at a computer screen in a fever-induced delirium for so long before you just gotta admit you have no content and just ain't gonna...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2013:

The nuts make it rocky, by far;

the chocolate's real dark; nougat marred

by texture's uncertainty.

Strong hint of hurt there be--

it's the Hard Times Candy Bar!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2013:

Happy Birthday, Elvis... At whichever gas station you're working today...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2013:

Cosmetic surg'ry ad was dishin',

"Brazilian Butt Lift"? Am I missin'

something here because

I thought that it was

a spicy sexual position!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2013:

Ah, Wednesday! Time for our food-related content.

So here's food...for thought--

Er... We can't believe we haven't used that cheap ploy yet for Wednesday content...but now we have...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2013:

Commercial brought hope in the making!

Overheard... Why, with glee, was shaking!

If, quite mystifying can...

Oh? It's 'bout FRYING PAN--

claim, "Absolutely no flaking"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2013:

It used to be that regarding an awful TV show, one need only see one episode, or most of an episode, to know exactly where the show would travel along the Entertainment Highway.

With the advent of "reality" TV, now one really only need hear the title to know exactly what will occur over its run.

Helpful, in a way. No need to waste time checking out as many new shows.

Still nonetheless disturbing that 90-some percent of all new fare is worthless, unredeemable crap...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2013:

I'd norm'ly get right on the case--might

what pizza be from sandwich place? Height

of daring to try it!

But Subway? Won't buy it--

they can't even make damn SUBS taste right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2013:

We all know about "soul mates."

But whaddaya call those people who... Well, are kinda the OPPOSITE of soul mates? Someone with whom you should, under no circumstances, have any form of relationship with?

May have to think on the right term for a while. But for now, (Chiefy checking in) I'll refer to them as...my recent dating pool...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2013:

A whorehouse, of which Greg was fond,

housed brig for those who'd fees abscond!

Some miscalculation--

new rates, fornication--

found Greg jailed--could not make bail-blonde!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2013:

While we heretofore found those old "machines getting so smart they outwit people and take over the world" sci-fi tales as...well, merely amusing... We can't help but note--

The smarter the phone, the dumber the phone user...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2013:

Bad TV--in past, you would know,

10-minute watch, how whole show'll go!

Now, conveniently,

with "reality"--

just need see lame TITLE of show!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2013:

Caught a ridiculously evil flu recently.

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Had what seemed to be most symptoms, on and off--every day a different dose of sinister pestilence.

Talked with my sister on the phone. Seemed she had a similar thing.

She advised me of the benefits of Mucinex for the mucus.

To which I answered, "Mucus"?

Always something to look forward to with a flu...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/13/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: You Give Me Fever...

...Come to think of it, that could make a real Sunday Story Time but... If it were YOU who gave me this fever, I'm not sure that murder would be out of line... No edition this week... Oh, my achin'...everything...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2013:

We've all been foiled by some iLoser--

head in clouds; iGadget abuser!

Brings new law, I've known--

the smarter the phone,

the stupider the smart phone user!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2013:

Whoo-hoo! Sixty-nine whole Twitter followers! Sex party time!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2013:

Flu chills--its aches stab like a knife--

'mid maelstrom of personal strife!

Though steeled 'gainst world's pain,

just gotta complain...

Oh woe is me! My achin'...Life!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2013:

Hadn't seen her in a while, so wondering... Just how did LaToya Jackson manage to transform into...a Muppet?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2013:

Happened...gradual or abrupt? It

seems Latoya Jackson's corrupted!

Did strange disease get her?

If I knew not better,

swear she looks like she's turned to...Muppet?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2013:

Keep forgetting... Is it starve a fever, feed a cold?... Or starve a cold, feed a fever?... Or does it matter when you're na'r-do-well renter-roommate still hasn't paid DECEMBER rent, since you end up starving whatever the hell it is anyway?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2013:

Seems whole world's bought concept of, "soul mate"--

but is there the OPPOSITE? Ol' Fate's

most Godawful match you're tossed--

to avoid, at all costs?...

Or, as known to me, "same ol' dates"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2013:

So as a Society we've evolved into the 21st Century with an overall focus on health and sensitivity toward others, but... Caught an old "Dick van Dyke Show" the other night.

Mary Tyler Moore, aka Laura Petrie, popped some calming pills given her by the neighbor, to help her face a first meeting with her husband's parents.

She took more than a regular dose. Then indulged some wine for dinner... No After-School Special angle.

No, cats and kittens, it was a pure prescription for Comedy!

Fuck the health and sensitivity. We, as a Society, have lost something.

Evolving lamer by the day...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2013:

Feed fever, starve cold--rule oft voiced!...

Or starve fever--food, on cold, hoist?...

Confused just how's said! Beats

me! But, roommate's deadbeat?

You starve cold OR fever--no choice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2013:

Nothing like a flirty smile from a pretty country girl half your age to make one's day... Hell, one's week... Hell, my freakin' YEAR at this point...even if she was missing a couple of teeth...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2013:

A grill man who cooked at a pub

eyed chicks at work--oft 'cued with chub!

Aced regional styles,

wide-ranged--all worthwhile!

(But I'd say "pass" on his "dry rub"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

(Which happens to also mean... Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday, this time around)...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2013:

Chick half my age flirt-smiles! What bliss--schwing!

For so long, lacked Lady Luck's kissing,

made day! Week! Hell, leer's

high point of my YEAR!

(Even if some teeth she was missing!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2013:

Fair warning... The Big Holiday this year happens to fall on a Saturday... Start preparing NOW for your big Groundhog's Day Saturday Night!... Par-tay!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/20/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Otis & Georgia

Some of the closest bonds a human being forms over the course of his or her life are those with pets.

That would seem to go without saying, but those who aren't "pet people" can't seem to grasp it.

Yes, pets aren't human, so bonds with them don't, of course, entail sharing opinions on the world or the opposite sex or comparing walks down memory lane. But when, say, trauma hits one's life, there's something about a friend who CAN'T offer an opinion or utter awkward "I'm sorry's" or "If there's anything I can do's."

In fact, much about the roles that domestic animals CAN fill are beyond the reach of science, currently--and, I'd argue, permanently. Dogs trained to note subtle changes in things like blood pressure for the seriously ill? That nursing home cat, in the news a year or two ago, who would befriended people who would be dying within a week or two--somehow sensing that fact?

Which brings us to a cat named Otis. My parents' (John and Georgia's) cat, although, since pets are rightfully deemed "members of the family," also an extended member of my family and a close friend. He was intended to be named after the cat from the kids' dog-and-cat-pals movie, "Milo & Otis," although the cat in the movie was actually "Milo," thus Otis was mistakenly named but... Well, perhaps he became our definition of "Otis" with time, but it seemed an especially fitting name for him anyway.

Otis was mostly orange, with spots and stripes of white and black and other hues. Like many my parents took in, he was a stray, escaped or, more likely, let loose from his home, only to find his way to the rodent-infested woods around my parents' house and, eventually, back into a domestic home.

My parents were originally "dog people." I was born to a German Shepherd in the home. He died, another German Shepherd. That one died, a third... During the life of the last dog, we let a cat in from a record-setting, 17-below-zero cold, and once the dog died... Sick of the extra cleanup and maintenance a dog requires, my parents switched to "cat people." (I would argue that my family in general is more "pet people," with no need to pick between the two, actually.)

After the first, accidental cat, Fred, died, my parents bought a couple kittens. One died young and was replaced by a stray...who eventually died, too, and was replaced by a stray... I'd have to stop and calculate the exact number they've had, but one of the purchased cats, Stormy, lived 22 years. Thus, she was the senior household cat with many others, up to Otis, who was the first to outlive her.

While pets become family members, they also tend to gravitate toward one person in particular. Hence, our first dog was, "Dad's Dog," the second, "Mom's Dog," the third was MY dog...and Otis was "Mom's Cat."

Nov. 1, 2012, my mom was hospitalized after a serious heart attack. Her hospital stay was dubbed, "indefinite" from the start. Not only did blockages and the like need to be sought and fixed, rehabilitation was also on the agenda. She was, at best, early on, semi-conscious at points, and that consciousness was purposefully chased via powerful drugs, as she also required a breathing tube, and that's something that doesn't lend itself to comfortable full awareness.

My parents, married almost 40 years, lived by a system. My mom cooked, my dad did yard work; Mom wrote the checks/bills, Dad balanced the checkbook... With Mom gone for an extended period, my dad was left to perform tasks he'd never, ever had to deal with before. Sure, no rocket science was involved, but there were a lot of little things to isolate, get a grasp on, catch-up... To put it mildly, my dad was out of sorts.

He wasn't the only one.

Even when my parents traveled to their second home in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, they'd brought Otis. So these were the first days, since joining our family, Otis experienced without my mother around.

That fact alone would knock Otis out of sorts. But I sensed something more. As if Otis knew that Mom wasn't just absent for a day or two. That something more was wrong.

Otis wasn't eating much. And even as cats go, Otis was a big eater. Chubby, as befitting a semi-retired, former mouser-for-a-living. And he needed to be goaded into going outside, whereas normally he was a regular pain-in-the-ass about it--sitting at the door, meowing to be let out.

As time passed, my mom's status, never better than "guardedly optimistic" to begin with, turned darker. With each week passing, her remaining under a cloud of incapacitating super drugs, but having problems removing the breathing tube (halting the drugs would necessitate tube removal first)... The doctors knew that, in addition to the heart attack damage, and the pre-damage that caused the heart attack to begin with, damage was caused to the nervous system and brain, and more, by the lengthy medicinal coma itself.

As went my mom, so went Otis. After a couple weeks of Mom's hospitalization, Otis was eating almost nothing and moving around very little. He was even "missing" the litter box, requiring constant cleanups.

It was around then that, silly or no, I began to pair the health of Otis with that of my mom. I'd come home to see my dad, go out of my way to leave food in front of Otis, give him treats and saucers of milk... Anything to get him to eat SOMETHING. I'd try to get him to play with his toys and catnip, to no avail.

But it did seem Otis was getting a little better, for a bit, if only slightly so. We took him to the vet and he was prescribed antibiotics. Turns out he had infected rear paws, allowing me to fruitlessly semi-believe that perhaps the problem WAS just physical, rather than internal--or worse. I also seized upon the general stubbornness of cats, coupled with their extreme dislike of change, as perhaps a whole explanation... I'd moved before and experienced a cat hiding in the bathtub--not eating or anything--for a week plus, so a cat missing his mama might be all the explanation needed...right?

Mom died December 1. So while Otis and Mom's health were no longer tied together in my hokey mini-philosophy, I thought that maybe Mom's being out of pain now, coupled with an animal's limited memory capacity, might mean a turnaround for Otis, a positive reminder of Mom to help my dad pull through it all, to boot, but... Even I had to admit that Otis' lack of eating was far beyond cat stubbornness by that point.

Otis was wasting away. Wasn't even drinking water regularly, at that point. Another trip to the vet led to a blood test, indicating liver problems, spurring enzyme tablets to replace the antibiotics, and a large lump was growing on his back, a smaller one around his stomach... Short of some miraculous, out-of-nowhere turnaround, my dad and I were forced to admit, unspoken at first, that Otis was dying.

I'd hoped over the next week, back at my home in Chicago, I'd hear some positive news from my dad on Otis--although even my wild optimism was failing. Upon my next return, I awoke the day after arriving and was going to ask my dad... Well, if he wanted to let Otis simply pass at home or if he wanted to have him put to sleep.

"We have to take Otis to the vet," my dad announced that morning.

"To...have him put to sleep?" I asked, knowing the answer while a blindly hoping part of me, deep down, thought MAYBE he'd have some...magic answer?

"Yeah."

And so two men, adept and experienced at remaining stone-faced through whatever Life throws our way, waited...waited...and waited in the strangely cold, though shooting for warm, ambiance of a vet's "put to sleep" room. A shot was administered to Otis. Both my dad and I reached for the ready tissues. Multiple times.

As Otis died, so did a remaining spiritual avatar of Mom.

As did so, so much more...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2013:

Fin'ly--this year, Big Holiday?

Not work day! No work and all play!

So do it up right--

rare Saturday night--

go nuts for the Groundhog! Par-tay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2013:

So, the Chicago Cubs Convention went on this weekend and... (Sigh.)

We've been grasping for something witty to say about it but... Man, can it get any more pathetic?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2013:

World Series drought, longest--gut-wrenchin'!

Though faith in team earns nod, must mention...

"Next Year's!" hoped prophetic,

but what's more pathetic

than, seriously... Cubs CONVENTION?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2013:

Headline--

"Five Hurt in Gun Show Shootings"

That's shootings.

Plural.

Various gun shows across the country.

Accidental shootings.

But the current thinking among certain sectors is to combat nuball gun violence by arming... Normal (ahem), competent (ahem) citizens.

Hmmm...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2013:

Dave Akers ditched Twitter... Oh, my!

"Fan" threats? Kicker feared he might die!

Like most, feel MUST use those sites!

Dave? Got excuse, just right--

I kinda ENVY the guy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2013:

Most are familiar with the concept of taking a store-bought sauce and adding some extras--crafting a souped-up sauce.

But many remain unknowing of the wonders of sauced-up soup.

Sketchy wordplay aside, my Polish grandmother would add a can of tomato soup where others might use a marinara-esque sauce.

Spaghetti. Galumpki (Polish cabbage rolls). Stuff like that.

I believe the practice derived from poverty and/or...well, Polishness, but I actually sometimes crave the flavor.

Italian mothers may pooh-pooh this practice, but while I can't say it's BETTER than a nice, homemade sauce, it is distinctive. Worth a try.

Soup's on (it)!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2013:

Old "Dick van Dyke Show," Mary's day?

Was--whoops!--pilled and boozed! For laughs, played!

Evolved! In Health's name, we'd scoff

now--couldn't pull that off...

Folks, we've lost much, too, 'long way...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2013:

Two Wisconsin strippers, one pregnant, engaged in a hair-pulling brawl over a $1 tip and...

Sheesh. With incidents like this on the upswing in the freakin' NEWS, we comedy writers are gonna be out of business soon...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2013:

That crowd--"Pry gun from my dead hand"--

says, safety means arm each dame, man!

But here is the hoot thing--

were many "Oops!" shootings,

one day, guns shows 'cross our fine land!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2013:

So Subway is being sued over claims that its signature "footlong" subs...aren't quite 12 inches.

Hey. We're all for holding businesses accountable for claims regarding products but, seriously, who hasn't... Well, you can probably figure where we're goin' here...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2013:

Starving artist... Bam! Turned sensation!

Used to "love life" just masturbation!

When groupies begun,

could not pick just one--

so indulged in some "four-nication"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2013:

Hurry!... Only two more shopping days 'til Groundhog's Day!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2013:

Suit 'gainst Subway, as one'd surmise--

that "foot"-long? Twelve inches? Just shy!

Still, men might lend sympathy--

far from the first to be

gilding the lily on size!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2013:

Happiness Is...Accidentally learning that you have soft-porn, Skinemaxx-y offerings somehow in your basic cable...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/27/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Did You Catch Last Week's Edition?...

...It was a rather lengthy one.

Put a lot into that one.

So... Well, see ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2013:

Happiness Is... Feeling forlorn,

surfing channels...can't decide...torn!

Stumbling upon, showing,

on channels, unknowing...

Hey--you can tune-in softcore porn!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2013:

Speaking of Happiness-

Happiness Is...Receiving an unexpected Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail, compliments of your ex-, who moved out well over a year ago, bringing an extra dose of taboo pleasure because... Well, anyway, that's Happiness...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2013:

Two strippers fought over a buck!

True story! One preggo... Aw, shucks!

Poor guys like me lose

with THIS stuff as news--

we humor scribes, soon out of luck?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2013:

Happiness Is... Um, blowing-off content for a day by pretending to use the "Happiness Is..." trick (usually, for us, with something naughty)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2013:

Mail for long-gone ex-, mem'ry jogged...

Victoria's Secret! Weeel Dog!

Peruse it... Appealing!

But brings strangest feeling...

Thanks to ex- sporting...cata-log?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2013:

Ahhh... Ice cream in January!

If you can't beat it, join it!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2013:

Leave house...and get kicked in the groin from

mid-Winter's knee? Buy with snack coin some

delicious...ice cream?

Wrong season, it'd seem?

I say, if you can't beat it, join 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2013:

So that huge, tragic nightclub fire in Brazil was started by a band's pyrotechnics.

Who the hell do they think they are? Great White?...

 

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