Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2013:

George Zimmerman trial--journ'list hacks stirred

to frenzy, offended by... "Cracker"?

He hee... Hist'ry arms slurs,

whites CAN'T have own "N-Word"!

So "cracker's" just comes-with-laugh-track word!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2013:

Paula Deen evidently put a little TOO MUCH "South in her mouth"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2013:

'Hawks Stanley Cup run--thrilling chase called!

Rare Chi-Town team champs seized First Place, y'all!

Two months 'til Bears Season,

left grasping for reason

to even acknowledge...(sigh) baseball?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2013:

Whether or not you're a football fan, you have to tip your hat to the National Football League for keeping things exciting year-round.

Sure, die-hard fans may actually get excited about drafts and training camps, but the NFL snares major headlines by transforming its off-season into...NFL Arrest Season!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2013:

O'erheard schmuck on train--bad luck dates!

Sought "Bach'lor" gig (brains not First Rate)!

Thought point of the show

(somehow not In Know)...

Get this--of all things--to...find mate?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2013:

I'm still feeling guilty about The Bugles.

I don't like wasting food. Maybe it's how I was raised, hearing about the children starving in China and all but... For whatever reason, I'm the type who makes a full-on, honkin', reheatable bachelor portion of a dish, somehow screws up the recipe, making it downright nasty... And still feels compelled to eat all of it.

Maybe I'll freeze most of it. Eat other things... But once a week or whatever, I'll force myself to sup on a portion of the atrocious fare until, eventually, I finish it.

Perpetually on the cheap, I scored The Bugles at a bargain price I've now forgotten. Dubbed Value Size, the new bag checked in a little under a pound at 14.5 ounces. Original flavor. I recall thinking, upon spying the bag on the shelf, "Mmm. Haven't had Bugles some time... Sounds like they'll hit the snacking spot!"

Hit the snacking spot they did.

At first.

Now, I hoard snacks as a rule, so that I have options. That is, I don't buy, say, a bag of chips and bridge mix, finishing them off before buying more snacks. No, I keep a veritable Snack Wagon. Any snacker is familiar with snacking kicks and moods--having variety helps assuage the fickle taste buds.

These kicks can run long or short, of course, and while this occasionally means snacking on duty instead of taste... Again, I take great pains to avoid tossing food in any form.

Even those Bugles... Only a few generous handfuls remained when I... Yeah, ashamed to admit that I trashed 'em.

But I ate 'em even after they went stale...until they became just too stale.

And even then, I hesitated a day or two before finally tossing that bag. ("Something can only get so stale, right? Maybe I'll throw down some more?")

In my defense, there's just something about Bugles. When the Great Staleness hit, I recalled a similar process unfolding at least once, years back, from the "Mmm, haven't had those in a while" to the, "Oh, man, there are a LOT of Bugles still left in this bag," although I don't think I pitched any (but do know it was a smaller bag).

I mentioned this Bugle Dilemma, with the bag still among my Snack Wagon yet before the staleness hit, at a family gathering only to be told, "Somebody brought one of those giant bags of Bugles to our Fourth of July party that one year. I think we ended up tossing 'em."

So let he who be without snacking sin cast the first stone!... Or perhaps cast the first stale Bugle...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2013:

It's Fourth of July--don't dare bother

with mere thought of work! Smell grill? Slobber

o'er beers, brats and dogs!

Look girls! Here's a log--

so question's, "Who's your Founding Father?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2013:

So "foodie" star and Pride of South

ol' Paula Deen--nailed, "N-Word" spouth!

Spin hacks--coronaries!

Pink Slip didn't tarry!

Put wrong kind of, "South in her Mouth"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2013:

Andrew Mason, Suzy Coupon of the Internet age as former CEO of Groupon, has released an album.

Yes. Of music.

He's becoming quite the master of the unworkable business model...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2013:

A couple had date inner-tubin'!

The sunscreen worked as thorough lubin'!

Shared one tire together;

when bounce-bounce went tether,

his pubin's made spoo-bin of boobin's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2013:

How's about a Public Service Announcement warning against the scourge that is floaters?

Seriously.

Gettin' sick of the surprise attacks from... No, no, no. Not talking about office secretaries on-call for whatever desk needs them.

We're talking about... See? This is why we need the PSAs!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2013:

Geek fans watch drafts--grasping for reason

to cheer team toward sport's off-months cheeze "win"!

Must say, NFL,

leads non-season sell--

with gripping, ingenious, "Crime Season"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2013:

Although we're planning no boycotts, no angry letters nor, most certainly, any form of law or regulation... We're kinda starting to see how all these slobbering hordes become "offended."

The New Yorker cover, celebrating the Supreme Court pro-gay marriage rulings, featuring...Ernie & Bert?

Sesame Street characters?

For starters, the New Yorker itself is sorta offensive. A literary mag gone successful, with, we're guessing, 75 percent of its sales stemming from people simply carrying it around to look intellectual, with any attempts to read the damn thing being met with, "Er... Must be good, I suppose; maybe I'll figure out WHY if I keep at it."

And those cartoons?

But we digress.

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers of any stripe should damn well know that we're more than fine with gay marriage. More than fine with anything that doesn't harm another person, involving consenting adults, blah blah yadda yadda. If there would've been a SCOTUS decision regarding, oh, say, S&M, featuring Kermit and Miss Piggy in leather... We're bordering on comparing apples and oranges here, but...okay, better example.

When Spongebob Squarepants became a surprise phenom among some gays, who imagined the fictional character as sharing their plight somehow, the show's creator, Stephen Hillenburg, while maintaining sensitivity to the issue, seemed offended, to us, himself. Explaining, in so many words, "That's alright and all, but he's a children's character and I didn't intend him as SEXUAL in any way." (http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1021976,00.html)

So... What the hell, New Yorker? THIS is the idea that comes to mind to commemorate the historic decision?

Okay, two puppets living together, both male--"Gotta be gay," ha ha, har dee har har, it is to laugh. We could mention that economic conditions bring many conditions where two men live together and... No, don't wanna go there. We're not QUITE offended, and don't want to be, but can sorta, kinda UNDERSTAND the popular trend now.

Okay, we'll leave it this--

Nice and smug, New Yorker, that you're allegedly making a "progressive," "liberal" statement by actually validating a long ago whackjob statement but Jerry Freakin' Falwell?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/7/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It felt SOOO Good That!...

...After that long delayed finish of the sprawling "Goodbye to Newspapers" tale (see the Archives if unknowing, bastards), to FINALLY put cap on it a couple weeks ago that... Ahem.

Taking off again this week.

Sorry if we led you on with the ambiguously steamy header this week... Gotta admit we probably deserve this double, though...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2013:

Ex-Groupon head, Mason, press-coddled,

has released... CD(?) through his odd pull!

Godawful ear-blaster!

He's now quite the master

of unworkable business models!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2013:

So there's this lady I know from some time she spent in Chicago. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) Always had a thing for her, but she was hooked-up at the time, I was too nervous and shy to make a proper hit... Etc. and such.

She's moved out-of-state since and we still keep occasional contact via e-mail.

These days, she's flirty toward me, I know her a good deal better--and I'd likely be able to cut through that shyness easily and go for it.

But she lives out of state.

Que sera...Sarah...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2013:

Most PSAs urge you to vote, sure,

or, say, be responsible boater,

but one should address

threat to all good, blessed--

Prevention's key to War On...Floaters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2013:

The word, "chat" has one syllable.

Likewise, the noun, "talk," as in, "Have a talk."

So... "Convo"?

Let's nip it in the bud.

Stop it.

Stop it NOW...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2013:

New Yorker marks DOMA court-ended

with... Ernie and Bert outed? Bends kids'

icon from non-sexual;

lends Falwell rant cred pull?

I'm ALMOST 'mong Club Offended!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2013:

In honor of Daily Limerick reaching Fourteen Years of, er, "Service" this Friday, this Special Wednesday "Food" edition mulls my favorite food mantra, taught me by my grandmother--

"Eat it to save it!"

Which reminds us that we probably should've been stokin' the Hoopla Machine over this birthday for some time now but... Anyway, this IS my favorite food mantra.

Got far too much lasagna leftover to reheat in your household before it goes bad? "Eat it to save it!" Don't have a lot of room in your fridge for what remains of that birthday cake? "Eat it to save it!" Bag of tortilla chips going to go stale soon in this hot and muggy weather? "Eat it to save it!" Lonely feeling in the pants? Well... Ahem.

It IS our birthday this week, after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2013:

'd'Think etiquette for public benches'd be

plain common sense--don't crowd one, whence one's free!

Seems simple? Don't, yet, forget,

concept of Etiquette?

At this point's, just sooo Last Century!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Daily Limerick's Fourteenth Birthday...Eve!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2013:

Lim'ricks--Fourteen Years on e-shelf

today! Think I've got magic elf?

If back then surmised

I'd go this long I'd

have took better care--site and self!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2013:

While we dropped the ball regarding the proper hype leading up to this, today marks Fourteen Years of, um, "Service" for Daily Limerick!

Why, we're now entering our FIFTEENTH YEAR OF SERVICE!

Meaning, we can make-up for that missed ballyhoo!

So Happy Extra Cheezy Daily Limerick Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2013:

A girlie awoke and thought, "Picnic!"

Her basket was packed in few ticks! Quick!

At park, met some guys

with same plan devised--

soon her picnic morphed to a prick-nic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2013:

First Amendment philosophy of the Internet/Social Media Age... Free Speech--you get what you pay for...

Happy Extra Cheezy First Saturday of Daily Limerick's Fifteenth Year of, um, "Service"!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2013:

Once again, in beginning our Fifteenth Year of, er, "Service" yesterday, the congrats and salutations are rushing in!

Okay, trickling in.

Well, coming in on some level, anyway--

> Happy birthday. 14 years? You're insane. ;)

Insane? Me? (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

Well, as Poe said, "Men have called me mad, but..." Hmm... Not particularly relevant here.

But much thanks, in any event, as this may help me as a criminal defense exhibit one day...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2013:

Once worked with a girlie quite fair--the

opp knocked... Could just sit there and stare! Duh!

She moved out of state--

e-charm by the crate!

That's life! Que sera...well, que Sarah!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2013:

Back when "reality" TV was new, before it inexplicably mutated into one of the Four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse, we'd laugh at these near-humans when they spoke of such shows as being springboards to entertainment careers.

Now, the likes of Ruben Stoddard... Remember him? The guy who won an early season of, "American Future Trivia Question Answer?" er, "American Idol"? Anyway, Stoddard will reportedly be a contestant on an upcoming season of, "The Biggest Loser."

Which means that "reality" TV has somehow become a self-sufficient form of...well, something vaguely resembling "entertainment," anyway. Its "stars" CAN find further industry work...at least with other "reality" atrocities.

An arena unto itself, a Hollywood ecosystem just for...Z-Listers.

Or, as far as we're concerned, Zzzz-Listers...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/14/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Late Mother Came to Me in a Dream

Maybe today's titular episode seems cliche.

But maybe there's a reason that it is a cliche. Maybe it's psychologically necessary. Maybe... No shortage of maybes.

My mother passed away at the end of last year. I'm still having a hard time with it. And Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that Life had been a bit less than stellar for Our Hero before that.

I know many people who've had a rough go at Life recently, especially coming out of this Recession and all. Enough to make me realize that I'm pretty good at keeping the old chin up, as best I can, most the time, relatively, anyway.

But... Yeah.

So Mom comes to me in a dream, surprising my dream self. One of those signature dream locales, seeming a bit like a parking lot practically right outside my current digs while also a lot like a location across the street from a former home. Not entirely sure how the two locations factor into things, nor why a parking lot is involved but... Freud away, if you must.

She asked, "Isn't there anywhere you can smoke around here?" which made me laugh. Perhaps a reference to yet another former home, when I lived in L.A. and was scolded for smoking in an outdoor, expansive parking lot. Not sure of any other significance, other than Signature Ma, as she didn't die of a smoking-related cause, directly, anyway.

She brought me a message. It wasn't announced as such. She didn't mouth it, or even appear to "thought project" it, but she clearly had a message and it was... "Everything's going to be all right."

This dream occurred weeks ago and, no, Life didn't all of a sudden turn rosy, on any of its struggling levels. It still hasn't. Oh, there are arguably new, little signs of light at the end of the ol' tunnel, but during rough times, some of those bulbs die--and, in fact, sometimes that "light" is really a whole new Freight Train o' Pain.

A dream like that is remarkably effective, psychologically and emotionally, anyway, because... What? Mom's LYING?

Oh, sure. A mother's job can entail providing encouragement and compliments in a way that no other reasonable person could possibly justify logically. But while my mother would do such things, she was also able to throw me the bald-faced, dirty truth when circumstances called for it.

The strangest thing about the dream is realizing that... Well, I'm no tooty-fruity mystic--in fact I'm closer to a frumpy skeptic--but I'm still a bit dazed over the fact that Ma, six months after leaving This Life, is still somehow doing what Ma always did best...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/14/2013:

This one comes via Facebook from Diane Stojentin, regarding Daily Limerick now into its Fifteenth Year of, um, "Service"--

> That's crazy. And cool.

So... Is "thanks" appropriate?

In any event, less than sane is the apparent consensus.

But with a pinch of cool.

Guess we'll have the complete recipe by the time we hit Fifteen...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2013:

"Convo"? "LOL"? Stop these "words"!

Cringe-worthy! Perhaps most absurd?

"Talk," "Ha"--quicker to employ!

Real words that don't annoy!

For love of God--stop Word Turds!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2013:

Thanks to the Internet, most every quirky taste can be easily sated, as represented by the world of e-books, through which one can even find a novel catering to those seeking, for example... "BBW Werewolf Paranormal Erotic Romance."

Is it possible for society to be just TOO damn inclusive?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2013:

Thanks to social med'ya can say your

piece--Freedom, Expression's in play more!

But 'Net's new Free Speech

has lesson to teach--

this FREE Speech? You get what you pay for!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2013:

Overheard some chick on her phone the other day criticizing some guy for wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

"Can you believe it? I asked him WHY he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and..." Do we really need to say this?

Okay--fashion DOES NOT APPLY TO STRAIGHT GUYS. We do just enough to not remain TOO behind the times and to get laid occasionally.

All the more reason to point out pop cultural violators of the Guy Code... Speaking of which, as long as the Obama Administration is A-Okay with taking out U.S. Citizens sans Due Process, may we suggest... A drone for Kanye West?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2013:

You'd fridge--later on, microwave it,

but... Too much! Yet, one of your fav'rites!

Folks starving, let's face it,

in China! Can't waste it!

Heed Grandma's Rule--"Eat it to save it"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2013:

In my grocery store I happened upon... Amish macaroni salad?

Not to mention Amish potato salad, in a couple different varieties.

TLC must have something to do with this...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2013:

Long time, culture's dubbed stars B-, C-List--

Kath Griffin's joke-riffed on a "D-List"!

"Real" TV now feeds itself--

"Loser" boasts Stoddard Elf--

own eco-world I call... "Zzz-List"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2013:

Getting into a chastity belt is like solving a Pubic's Cube!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2013:

Cell, chick, overheard, bitched 'bout guy's...

Hawaiian shirt? Babe, beef don't fly--

despite Rise of Girly Man,

Straight Guy Rule, through Time stands...

Fashion? To us, don't apply!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2013:

The problem with getting one's Mojo back, after many years lacking, is... Hell, problem? PROBLEMS--many!

Chief Limericist here.

Like... How do you care for the thing? Is that really you, Mojo, or another Horseman of the Personal Life Apocalypse?

In the interest of honesty, mine's more of a "Moe-jo," but, hey, you work what ya' got...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2013:

Three lesbos hit beach--was so hot

stripped down to from what from nature'd got!

All rubbin' in sunscreen,

turned into a fun scene

you could call a, "menage a twot"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2013:

So I was talking to a friend the other day, Chief Limericist here, who was actually diggin' the heatwave here in the Midwest and... Oh my.

Heat must've been getting to my brain, really, considering I was talking to an alligator...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2013:

The Chastity Belt'd ward 'gainst rube's trick tubes

in maiden-deflow'ring, slick interludes--

lads seeking flow'r nuzzling

thus had to solve puzzling

contraptions, which you might call, "Pubic's Cubes"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2013:

While the heatwave's passed here in the Midwest, we're bound to get at least one more before this summer's over, so just remember--

It's not the heat, it's... Okay. It IS the heat... Seriously...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/21/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Take This Job And (Pre-) Shove It!

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that... I've been unemployed for some time.

Honestly, just over six freakin' years.

Now, after leaving my last "regular," in-office, full-time job, I did freelance successfully for full-time pay, about a year...until the Great Recession. Then went another year around 3/4ths pay, then another around half-time pay, adding performing/acting gigs to the mix, dwindling below half-time pay...but ticking up here and there with full-time-y projects on-and-off and... Well, as I've been saying, "marginally employed," at best, the last couple of years.

As of July 14th, I officially became employed, a job that will start with some paid training, segue into part-time to get acclimated, then go to hours necessary for full-time income as I see it... Yes, not just "any job," but a job that will allow me some flexibility, quality of life, blah blah--and surprisingly, not a shit-job, but something utilizing my long-worked-at talents and... Not going to get into details here and now. They'll probably come with time for you bastards.

My main point is that it came in the nick of time--six years and two weeks to the day of leaving my last "regular" position.

See, without fully rehashing the Overall Picture, which Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, I'm a trained journalist who worked his taint off over a couple decades to scratch, claw and lube myself into a writing/editing career only to have... Well, have the Internet, mostly, yank that away. Always being more of a creative writer, originally using journalism as a "practical income path" to supplement those endeavors (ha!), one who added performing, at first just for kicks, to that mix, ending up largely crafting a life for myself where work, while still Work, was also enjoyable and what I wanted to do, now having to face taking just any old Shit Job... Let's just say I'd sometimes awake and fight-off a mild urge to just step in front of a bus.

And with applicants dwarfing positions available, employers having the luxury of hiring only, say, shit-shovelers with actual, recent experience shoveling shit... I was not only feeling unemployable, but especially unnerved by having to scratch, claw and lube my way into freakin' grocery store, coffeehouse, etc. work.

Meaning that the hope of landing a job was sweet and sour. Awesome in the sense that regular income is, of course, at some point necessary--for bills AND getting my damn Mojo back--but... Well, depressing. Seemingly the final dagger in my lifelong dream of at least MOSTLY liking my career. Sure, one can take a less-than-savory job and it doesn't mean one's stuck there forever, but... The prospect of working full-time and STILL scrambling to find a decent path in my spare time?

Ugh.

Given my situation, and the overall jobs situation, any hopes of employment in these Shit Fields was dependent on knowing somebody. I was a bit slow on the uptake, admittedly, with this job search. Personal events didn't help, there was some denial that my lifelong career path was dead, Life teased me--I'd be about ready to throw in the towel on, say, freelance, and a good-paying, extended gig would come through (after which the freelance pool would again dry up)... Yeah.

So finally getting fed-up, recovering from Life's taint-kicks, overcoming the denial... I enacted a huge push, around my last birthday in May, to get a job--necessary for my overall Mojo to return--FOR said birthday.

Well. Realizing the nature of things, at least within a month...or two.

Accomplished.

A friend of mine had been working a grocery store job for a year-plus. Decent benefits, generally happy with it as a job-job... That connection helped me score an interview at a couple of the store's multiple locations.

No luck. Or luck with it was slow. I was told I'd probably EVENTUALLY get in there, requiring a match of the right interviewers, location, timing, etc. I'd watch its Web site for the latest openings as the first step... Yadda yadda blah blah.

Also began a similar quest for bartending work, with connections in that area. I like that job idea better than grocery work, but am not fond of the hours and... I just got to thinkin', "I'm gonna end up taking a Shit Job and my life will suck. I can't TURN-DOWN any opportunity that comes through, though, but..." What to do, what to do?

So I started Internet searching for jobs utilizing my individual talents. Knowing writing/editing to be sketchy, I focused more on performance, specifically tourist-y Chicago things (again, details not for today)... The race was on. As they say, most job openings aren't advertised, so I was hitting up places in the hopes of finding something and... I did. Right when the company in questions was planning an increase in services, we'll say. Went along for an initial "get to know," got details, was "hired" (dependent on successful training and all that jazz)... And the very next morning?

A call from this grocery store. To interview for a position and location where I had the best chances--the one my friend works at and where he'd put in a personal good word and all (it's a rather large company).

Sure, there's no way now of knowing whether this would have meant I'd have LANDED this grocery job.

Nonetheless, at a time when I've been desperately needing some long-awaited GOOD turns of events from life, just in the knick of time, I was able to say... Well, honestly, "Thanks for the offer, but I've taken another job."

But I most certainly THOUGHT, "Take This Job And (Pre-) Shove It!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2013:

I'd much prefer temp 10 below--

cold? Coats, blankets, clothes--on can throw!

Hot? When AC's blaring

and nothing you're wearing

there nowhere left for you to go!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2013:

We thought about, um, "covering" a musical festival this weekend but... Same old bong and dance, you know?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2013:

These heat waves? I'm full-metal hater!

But some...like? Not AC potaters?

Just had chat with one such guy...

Or's my brain full sun-fried?

'Cause, well... 'Twas an alligator!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2013:

While it still may be a mystery to most exactly who put the "bom" in the "bom de bop de doo"... We're sure the NSA knows--and his him/her detained...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2013:

Note, while through the grocery, was humming--

potato, mac salads? Mind-numbing--

from odd, non-tech faithful! Here?

Let me play Paul Revere--

shoppers... The Amish are coming!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2013:

Gonna have to take issue with the old, cliche saying that one's, "got a lot on his/her plate."

Now... The situation described via the term isn't a necessarily a full-on bad thing. "Sorry I didn't get to it--have a new job, just started a side business, dating a new woman... I have a lot on my plate."

But even in a case as with this example, the saying conjures stress, it's an excuse and... Anyway, think upon the literal meaning for a bit.

What is a plate generally used for? Food, of course.

Having a "full plate" thus means... Well, kick ass!

So a saying such as "having a lot on one's plate" should only be used for something utterly delightful, perhaps even hinting at one of the elusive Keys to the Meaning of Life and... Now we're hungry...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2013:

Would've took grunt job--not above it!

Instead took one that... Well, I'll love it!

Then grunt called back--interview?

Held tongue, but tellin' you,

thought, "Take this job and (pre-) shove it!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2013:

If we didn't know darn well that the "Dog Days of Summer" were named so centuries ago, after the Dog Star, Sirius, above... We'd figure the name came from... Well, more skin shown, plus our current National State of Fitness...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2013:

Got groove back--returning to Go Flow!

But mine's a bit silly and so, though

got my Mojo Workin',

'neath Life's tricks are workin'--

mine's more "Larry, Curly and Moe-Jo"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2013:

So... This barrage of commercials for the Internet dating site Christian Mingle?

Okay, the Pope's on Twit-ter, so benefit of the doubt to the God online angle.

But... Must be a lot of profits involved. TV commercials aren't cheap. Are all of those profits going to the poor?

We will admit that a loose tie to holiness is involved.

That, "I Want to Fall in Love With You" song that's played during the shills?

Completely, utterly God-awful...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2013:

A dom was paid by man named Weems

to live his submissive kink dream!

She knocked him around

so roughly he found

when he fin'ly shot--'twas whipped cream!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2013:

What's a Chinese philosopher's favorite color?

Give up?

Confuchsia!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2013:

When summer temps hit, folks will bleat

cliche that, "It isn't the heat

but it's the humidity!"

(I say, stupidity!)

But it IS the heat, by Pete!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2013:

Okay, this is what we call a "The Sky is Blue!" headline, aka an "Unnecessary News," aka "Duh! Headline/News"--

"Livestrong Organization: Donations Down in Wake of Lance Armstrong Doping Admissions"

And... We could wax witty, but it speaks (unnecessarily) for itself...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/28/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Got a Job!...

...Da da da da, da da da dum da... Got a job... Yup.

As alluded to in last week's entry, I, Chief Limericist (among other titles), have an actual job-job, for the first time in... Well, a while, let's say.

Probably much more of a story there. Probably much more of a Sunday Story Time story there, really.

But if there's ever an occasion calling for a week off...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2013:

Each weekend of summer, there's chance

to groove with live music fest trance!

While, thought of attending one,

when time/cash spending's done,

they're all just same bong-and-dance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2013:

...And another thing about the shameless, shilling-"God"-for-profit abomination known as the Christian Mingle's marketing campaign... Well.

We could do a wee bit of 'Net searching to furnish details, but don't feel like ralphing right now so... Suffice it to say, just pay attention to one of the featured schmuck couples, especially when they were married as it relates to when their baby was born--and revel in the shyster hypocrisy as you cringe and fight back the bile accumulating in your throat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2013:

Perusing e-book site I spotted a

tale... "BBF werewolf erotica"?

To all tastes conducive--

are we TOO inclusive?

Can anything yet be exotic? Huh?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2013:

We've got an idea for a horror movie featuring monsters of the snooty, upper-class set--

"The Mumsy"!

Ahhhhhhh!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2013:

The phrase, "He's got lot on his plate,"

skews negative--stressed-out full slate!

Toward usage nix, leaning,

for, literal meaning?

A plate's for FOOD--full one's pure great!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2013:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, as part of Daily Limerick's semi-parody of a traditional newspaper, we gear our Wednesday Slappin' and Yappin' toward food-related content.

Unlike "Sunday Story Time," however, this "Food" section is unofficial. That is, it doesn't have its own header, section, etc.

Perhaps for this reason, unlike with SST we haven't blown-off Wednesday "Food" with excuses for no content or half-assed content.

Making today's blow-off, oddly enough, original "content"!...

 

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