Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2013

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2013:

'Net's down--to turn Amish, you pine!

Call tech support, only to find,

they push you--no waiting!--

on Hold Hell, so grating...

to get support quickest...online?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy May Day!

Dance around the May Pole and put anonymous flowers on your front porch for your mother as a child because you heard you're supposed to do that for May Day, or at least you did back then, although you haven't had the custom confirmed since and... Oh, just dance around the damn May Pole, why don't you?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2013:

Now Burger King freakin' delivers?

We're too fat already, folks... (Shiver.)

Yet Herr Bloomberg's goosesteps pat

toward... Soda? Why we're fat?

Next arrow, Big Mother's quiver?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2013:

We've come up with a new scientific law here at Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin.

Specifically under the field of psychology and human behavior.

Okay, so the other night--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--I was readying for bed around my routine beddy-bye time, midnight. While I've been working from home and/or marginally employed for a couple years, this was one of those rare instances where I had reason, beyond routine, to be well rested and awake early, thanks to a job interview and some other tasks.

Have a renter/roommate who's been living in my place for just under a month. He has an out-of-town cousin visiting. They went out and about.

So right when I'm preparing for bed... Guess who comes home? Guess who hangs in their living room area, talking loudly? Right around midnight?

You got it.

You probably know people like this. The bedtime anecdote is just but one example. The visiting cousin, of course, was taking a plane back home on the job interview morning in question, too, meaning a shower schedule became an issue and... Need I say more?

These types operate according to this new law we've discovered--

They follow the Path of Least Convenience...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2013:

This terrorist hits? You're screwed, Jack!

Knocks Internet all out of whack!

'Lectricity--bye, bye!

Prevention? Just won't fly--

with Ma Nature's terror attack!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2013:

Granted, we are all under-qualified for many job openings out there.

But are you finding yourself annoyingly...OVER-qualified by a bunch?

Take heart, Slapper Yapper Grasshopper--you're not the only Job Scene Goldilocks out there!

Eventually, those Three Bears just might leave out that third bowl of porridge, which would sure help a lot...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2013:

Two chicks hung with guy; drank; grew bolder...

Hot one, cert. nuts--blonde hair past shoulders--

was hit on by guy...then girl!

First balked, then gave it whirl...

Could say that those two bi-poled her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2013:

Okay, we're not exactly sure exactly what this would be, but... Well, amusing concept for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Peanut butter and KY Jelly!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2013:

So many folks on my Life Scene... Whence

do they come from, with their sixth keen sense

to go 'bout their day

and get in my way?

Lives' instinct--Path of Least Convenience!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2013:

Feliz Cinco de Mayo con Mucho Queso!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/5/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Two Things To Consider

Number One--that 4/21 SST entry was so long, it deserves TWO weeks off from this feature.

Number Two--if you're any sort of Slapper Yapper Grasshopper at all, you know that a power surge screwed our Internet access all to hell this week. That's on a par with, say, a century ago, one's barn full of livestock burning down.

So we just hope to hell to Tale at ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2013:

Your Internet service--it flat-lines!

Call customer service to bat--find

that though, grunts' location

means little, frustration

is stoked 'cause it's...Indian Chat Line!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2013:

Received an invite the other day, thank God only one so far, for... Google+?

Oh. Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Now, if I were to sit down and list all of the things our world could really use right now, by the time I got to "new social media sites to waste time on because it's allegedly 'good' for your life and career (a fact yet to be proven, personally, in any way, shape or form--although a few 'bad' things have come from it)"... Well, the world would be out of ink.

So... Google+? Uh-uh. No freakin' way...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2013:

Bizarre sandwich concept--woe, Nelly!

Might sit a bit strange in the belly...

It'd be for the sleazy

and'd sure go down easy--

peanut butter and...KY Jelly?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2013:

The City of Chicago has reached a settlement with a group of would-be female firefighters who alleged that the department's testing discriminated on the basis of sex.

They mostly objected to the portion rating "physical abilities."

Hmm.

Now, Daily Limerick is not Fox News. Not known to rant and rave in a manner oft referred to as Angry White Man.

But... Men, in general, there are exceptions, blah blah blah, are physically capable of some physical tasks that women aren't. In general, there are exceptions, blah blah blah.

Got a problem with that statement? Sue Mother Nature for sex discrimination.

Fighting fires often requires acts of physical derring-do.

Many of us here in the, er, Daily Limerick Towers have indulged in the past a thing called Guilty Straight White Man Liberalism but... If we're burnt beyond recognition because firefighters simply weren't strong enough to batter down our front door, the last thoughts going through our minds before meeting our Maker ain't gonna be, "Thank God those chicks won the right to fight fires!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2013:

I suffer strange job-seekers' pox--

under-qualified, some, no shock.

But others for tried...

OVER-qualified?

What? I'm freakin' Jobs Goldilocks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2013:

It was unique when Quizno's, I believe, started the trend of toasted subs.

And a toasted, warm sub is nice...when it's, say, a Philly cheeze steak, or perhaps roast beef with cheeze or... Point here is that sub shops, and patrons, are going a little toasted-happy.

An Italian sub, for instance, is BETTER cold. Works nicely that way with the oil and vinegar and such.

I think I hit rock bottom when the sammich jerk lured me into a toasted falafel...toasting seeming to cry out for cheeze...anyway, that's another story...but don't find yourself having coasted to toasted when it plain won't have boasted the mosted...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2013:

Chi-Town settles claim--job shots frittered, pulled

'way through firefight test of one's grit phys'cal!

Deemed unfair to dames.

Heard term, "P.C. flames"--

but never thought that could be literal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2013:

Admittedly, today's Limericks is perhaps the Limerick equivalent of a run-on sentence or something but, hey, we've done one a day for almost 14 years now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2013:

For while, sub shops have loudly boasted,

"You can get your sub hot and toasted!"

Most do, just assuming,

it's "better." So dooming

taste--some are best cold your mouth's hosted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2013:

So Jillian Michaels, "celebrity" exercise whatever, is appearing in Chicago...live. Onstage. In a theater. Where people pay money to see her, um...perform. Or whatever it is she does.

Now... Oh, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that we could run with this frightening development in many directions.

Can you imagine the crowd for this one? He hee... Heading into Mother's Day Weekend, we'll remind ourselves that if we don't have something nice to say, we should consider saying nothing at all.

So we'll just say nothing at all about this event. Or how we're imagining the attendees...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2013:

A frisky young doctress craved ball, whirl

with patient--but couldn't un- gall -furl!

So set a home visit

to work it and jizz it--

could say she became a house-call girl!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2013:

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that we're... Well, not exactly huge fans of social media here at Daily Limerick.

However, now and then something happens, some sort of social movement or something, where we begrudgingly face the facts and admit that some good things, even great things, have come from the technology.

For instance, turning to the Chicago Sun-Times, an Old Media Authority (copies of which continue to land on our doorstep despite cutting-off subscription payments about a week ago), its business section deems social media legit enough to feature some important Twits and such in a mini-roundup.

Like this one from this past week--

"the #DOW is killing it"

See? Insightful, groundbreaking opinions we'd never have without this crucial new Army of the First Amendment...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

Ya' Twits...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2013:

It's Mother's Day! Give her a pucker

'fore fixing your toast with your Smuckers!

Hail all the world's Mothers!

Why, thank someone other's--

become a lit'ral Mother-fucker!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Mother's Day!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/12/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: In Addiction's Grasp

Pretty exciting title for today's, er, entry, huh?

See, three weeks back I posted a long, long, LONG Sunday Story Time about my lifelong relationship with printed newspapers, my journalism career (or what's left of it), the Internet's effects on the industry and... Generally a long-winded, blow-hard announcement that after many, many moons, I was finally letting my Chicago Sun-Times subscription die.

So today is the first day without that newspaper. Well, as I write this, anyway, as I pen these about a week ahead of time.

And, actually, for some reason the Sunday newspaper WAS delivered so... I'm not so much white-knuckling, although I did a little of that before discovering the paper, but I'm more relapsing for the day.

Trust you can figure it out from there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2013:

A live show of which I read word...

Live, Jillian Michaels? Absurd!

Not sure what her "act" could be

but at doors, sure you'll see

less of a crowd...than a herd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2013:

So... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I recently started a post-shower routine of rubbing lotion all over my body.

Sorry if you were eating or something while reading that, but this is per the advice of my doctor, whom I'd love to PLAY doctor with...but I digress.

See, had a rash in a few spots a couple months ago and... Just stop eating until you're finished with this, okay?

Rash was no biggie. A dry skin thing. But I was advised to lotion myself all over daily, when I'd previously been in the habit of lubing the seeming essentials--like hands, especially in the winter.

I'm not exactly a lotion kinda guy. I'd never even purchased the stuff until my hands and such would get all red and chapped in the winter. Hell, I didn't even purchase the stuff until I absolutely had to--when I originally started lubin' the paws, I just pilfered some from the (now ex-) wife, since chicks always have such things and a non-lotion guy doesn't buy lotion.

Anyway, my question to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, is... This lotion-all-over deal? Are you supposed to also lotion up your, um, you know, John Thomas?

Just wondering. I did once, taking the "all over" literally, but it left me feeling a bit clammy in the lap.

I'd ask my doctress, but... I don't care what they say. There IS such a thing as a stupid question...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2013:

Doc said, when dry skin hit like bomb, this--

'now on, full-bod lotion! (I glom's gist.)

Odd question arose

though, sure head to toes...

But, er... Should I lotion John Thomas?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2013:

Use of the term "dramedy."

Stop it.

Stop it NOW...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2013:

Newspaper's pathetic resilience

prints "key" posts from new med'ya's zillions!

Like this bold, incisive Twit,

"the #DOW is killing it"!

How'd we survive 'fore such brilliance?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2013:

I was recently clued-in to the fact that a product called "liquid eggs" exists.

In a pourable cardboard container, as for orange juice.

Because, of course, the egg is suck a tricky, inconvenient package.

We're living in an age where medical science, technology...and stupidity continually amaze us by breaking new ground...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2013:

When tale's drama works...at best, nom'nally

and jokes...but it also bombs comedy,

there's now made-up word

fit for such a turd--

the folks involved dub it a "dramedy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2013:

Sorry, but just because it's for a "good" cause, in our opinion, anyway...in this case, pro gay marriage... Well, that doesn't mean that "robocalls" aren't inherently, utterly Evil...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2013:

Just learned one can buy...liquid eggs?

Hmm. Obvious question, this begs...

What? Too much work, cracking shell?

Toss it out, it will sell--

public drinks Kool Aid...from keg!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy 22nd Anniversary of our Chief Limericist's DUI!...

Which led to his unplanned move to Chicago, and unplanned courtship of the Stage, presumably to meet other writers, and... Well, you can take it from there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2013:

At a birthday party for Jake

a hot chick jumped out of the cake!

Jake didn't quite care

for cake's spongy fare--

opted for silk pie to partake!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2013:

Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

Muse wanted.

Apply within...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday for My Birthday Weekend!...

(Food and sexual favors accepted)...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2013:

Hey, hey! Happy Birthday to me!

La dee dum, la doo da, dee dee!

I'll do what the hell I feel!

Elephants, Ferris Wheel!

Gifts! Pampering! Me! Me! ME!!!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2013:

I don't give a flyin' dump what the weather will be today. (Chiefy checking in here.)

Forecast has been going back and forth, between sunny and stormy. (That's Chief Limericist to you, pal.)

I'm flying an Elvis-damned kite if I have to dodge lightening while doing it.

In which case, I'd be a bit like Ben Franklin. Only, since electricity has, of course, been discovered, I'll discover... Oh, I don't know.

Female Viagra?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/19/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: When Blowing-Off the Story BECOMES the Story

Okay, so, weeks back, I wrote a ridiculously long, in-depth Sunday Story Time about my history with regular print newspaper reading and how I was finally dropping the habit, gettin' hep to the eJive (or iJive?)...that kinda thing. How it was like an addiction for me and...blah blah, yadda yadda.

Been a bit busy lately, so used that long entry as an excuse to blow-off this feature for... Well, multiple weeks. Would've been going out of my way to write a REAL edition for this time except... The story continues.

I'd do yet another blow-off because the Chicago Sun-Times hasn't even let me indulge my withdrawals as of yet. (Last week's edition was a blow-off for that very reason...or excuse. Or alibi. Call it what you will.) The newspapers keep coming for...as I write this, for almost a week now. Unpaid for, delivered copies.

I've had a feeling that this newspaper rehab would become a continuing story. Figured I could write here about the withdrawals. Or perhaps the fact that I'd give-in and keep buying copies. Or maybe I'd receive a reply to my long newspaper farewell, as I'd also sent the essay to the Sun-Times folks.

As these newspapers kept coming, and coming, and coming... I kinda thought, "Cool--reason to blow-off Sunday Story Time!"

But now I realize that these events are just another part of the story.

Is this life-support protocol for the Industry? Let the subscriptions keep coming, maybe they'll change their minds and re-subscribe? Perhaps it's been protocol for a while--in case the subscription payment is late or something? Or maybe it's a fact of the downsized Industry--they have a hard time keeping-up with the latest subscriber lists for delivery drivers and what-not?

Maybe my missives landed me on the Special List. Having worked at publications, I know that it's allowed to toss a few insiders and VIPs and pals and such free subscriptions. I'm sure that little perk is feeling a pinch these days but... It got me wondering. As I said, became a part of the story.

Why do I keep receiving newspaper delivery? I don't know whether to be happy that I'm getting free stuff and a reason to procrastinate the withdrawal symptoms, or pissed--I wanna move-on and newspapers are, honestly, holding me back in some ways. I can't HELP but skim them, usually beyond-skim them... As partially related in that sprawling farewell edition, I do have many reasons for facing-up to this addiction.

So, anyway, that's how the blow-off became the story. You Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should feel luck as all shit, too, since I had another fine reason for slacking in the pocket--my freakin' birthday falls on this edition's date...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2013:

I'll fly that kite--useless to nag! Ha!

Storms forecast? Don't care if there's magma!

Ben Franklin did same and he

brought world 'lectricity!

May unfurl... Female Viagra?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2013:

Got a new analogy for social media.

Yeah, yeah. We bash it far too much but... Well, we like this one.

So... I post a comment about what I'm doing, eating, whatever, and you "like" it. You may not even READ it, but the theory behind these iAtrocities is "networking"--you tickle my taint, I tickle yours.

I post my events, invite you and you... Well, you probably ignore it, but you may mark yourself as "going"...although you don't.

In exchange, I "like" your posts, I "go" to your events... Well, actually, I don't even bother. I'm just honest about it. I hate social media, I join those things because you supposedly "have to" in this day and age, although nothing good ever comes of it, I post my stuff and get the hell off of 'em. Screw your boring, self-indulgent drivel.

Okay. Now and then I "like" or comment on a hot "friend's" stuff.

Point being... Social media is just the largest circle jerk in history...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2013:

Those soon on Hist'ry's losing side

in battle o'er gay grooms and brides

first launched "robo-calling."

Why'd "pro'" folks match galling--

ALL "robo-calls" stoke Satan's pride!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2013:

Sorry, we're a little late to the table with this, but since a major sports star, the NBA's Jason Collins, finally came out as gay... Well, it's certainly cause for celebration...but.

We're holding the "Yay Equality!" streamers until a NASCAR driver comes out as black...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2013:

Those posts--wannabe witty, quirky?

Events? Invites for play or worky?

Brief glance, "like," you ignore mine--

I do same, so that's fine.

Facebook: The Great Circle Jerk-y!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2013:

We've got this whole "seasonal work" thing wrong.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Okay, my condo building is cleaning and polishing the building facade, or some such. Which means they're blasting away all day long, weekdays, giving those of us working from home (and/or "working" from home) that delightful Under Siege feel all day.

What's more, dust is flyin', so windows often need shutting--and, quite naturally, it tends to get hot and humid for such occasions.

This is just on a personal level. Out on the public streets, everything's torn-up to all hell, jackhammers jackin' away... The idea, I believe, is that outdoor work is best with nice weather.

We're on this "seasonal work" schedule, thus, for the benefit of the workers.

But there's another concept we're totally missing here--the customer is always right. That includes taxpayers.

So it makes more sense to say, "fuck the workers" and have them do their overpaid work when we have our windows shut anyway. Plus, physical labor warms you up anyway, so why the flyin' fuck are we doing this crap in WARM weather? My sensible plan will have the added benefit of eliminating those knuckleheads standing around leaning on their freakn' shovels while one guy out of six actually does something.

They'll all get busy to keep warm, projects will be done more quickly and more efficiently--and taxpayers will save some bucks, to boot.

Not that, of course, common sense is given much weight in a society that actually buys Lunchables at 50 times the price of a handful of crackers and lunchmeat--and, yeah, there's your Wednesday "Food" angle...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2013:

First Major Sport star braves the flak--

J. Collins leaves closet! On track

for a Grand Enlightened Age?

Not 'til this Hist'ry Page--

a NASCAR dude comes out...black!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2013:

Okay. It's already turned too hot for us this week.

COUNTDOWN: Three months and 29 days 'til Fall!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2013:

Streets ripped-up! Jackhammers jack-jack! Whirrr!

Warm! Windows up... Under attack here?

Tax funds this, here's reasonable--

work schedule, "seasonal"?--

we've got it freakin' ass-backwards!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2013:

Ever notice that when you unsuccessfully ask someone out, the given reason for the turn-down is never that they're actually dating someone, or even seein' someone, but... "kinda seein' someone"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2013:

A gay dentist, prepping for root canal,

thought of patient, "Dimpled chin's cute--a doll!"

So post-op, charge still amid

haze, less inhibited--

also did work on his fruit canal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2013:

Let he/she who be without kink cast the first stone!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial day Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2013:

Ask her out, to do something fun;

eyes widen, like she wants to run...

Her dodge? She's not dating,

or seeing guy, stating,

she's just..."KINDA seein' someone"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2013:

So Kristen Stewart, going through a Big Breakup with What's-His-Face, was consoled by Taylor Swift.

Really. There's no rabbi or bartender involved. It's not a joke. True story.

Imagine being a fly on THAT wall.

Personally, I'd wing it the hell outta there because I can't imagine a more annoying duo of dames to be stuck listening to...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/26/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I'm Trying to End This Saga...

...I truly am.

If you've been following Daily Limerick/Sunday Story Time, and if you haven't, fuck you... I wrote a long goodbye to the daily newspaper many weeks back, anticipating jonesing, explaining why I'm ending the affair...blah blah, yadda, yadda... And the damn newspaper keeps coming anyway.

At this point, I'm sick of it. Which is good, on the addiction-fighting angle, anyway, but... Sheesh.

I've also been trying to completely blow-off this section, ending up with a partial blow-off, because the damn tale keeps going and... Here I am, as I pen these about a week ahead of time, heading into my birthday weekend, where I'd REALLY like to blow-off this damn feature and... Good Elvis.

So, what's the deal here, Industry on Life Support?

Here's the new development drawing me again back into the saga. I thought I saw some reference in the Chicago Sun-Times masthead about CANCELING subscriptions and... Seriously? I'm supposed to freakin' CANCEL? I'm not paying; stop sending it. Are you gonna bill me for these unwanted weeks? Do you send such things to collection agencies?

Yeah, you Old Media folks are pathetic, but you're adults--and you should damn well know how the psycho/stalky ex-girlfriend thing plays out in the end, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2013:

All honor late vet'rans with class!

In mem'ry, grill festive with sass!

If cookout you host,

you might meet Three Ghosts--

of 'cues future, present and past!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2013:

Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2013:

Kris Stewart sought out Taylor Swift

to powwow o'er fatal love rift!

Imagine THAT bawl!

As fly on the wall...

I'd bail--give that Ditz Fest short-shrift!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2013:

It's taken us our entire lives to figure this out, but... Might as well pencil-in the weather forecast for any and all Memorial Day Weekends (and, really, Labor Day Weekends and any others that revolve around outdoor activity)--

Partly shitty (at best)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2013:

If 'mongst your peers, somehow 'comes known

peccadilloes toward which you're prone,

stand proud to be You!

Let he or she who

be without kink cast the first stone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2013:

(Burp)...

Okay, so gas jokes don't work so well in writing.

Always breaking new ground, nonetheless...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2013:

Memor'yal Day!... Aw, sky ain't pretty!

Planned cookout? Well, face nitty gritty!

One forecast, all holidays

calling for outdoor play--

weather, at best? Party shitty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2013:

Okay, so we have express lanes in grocery stores and the like--eight, ten, fifteen items or less.

We even have those nightmare Computer Cashier lanes, in case you're in the mood to get all confused, face the excitement of numerous errors and, in the end, have an actual human have to come over and straighten things out, anyway.

But what we really need?

The Pain-in-the-Ass Lane.

Got food stamps or military/disabled coupons? No offense, but you're gonna delay us by at least 20 minutes. Still inexplicably using your check-cashing card (that the stores still inexplicably allow you to use)? You folks are not allowed in a regular lane and MUST go through the Pain-in-the-Ass Lane. Staffed, of course, by the manager who's inevitably called over to inconvenience your fellow shoppers anyway.

Another problem solved by... Slappin' and Yappin!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2013:

Though true summer's still month off, y'all,

hot, humid days already've called!

I count down to season,

like most, with temps pleasin'--

just under four more months 'til...fall!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2013:

Now, I'm not the type of guy who generally goes for anything within the britches of a male.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

But I'd sure like a crack at Lord Stanley's Cup!...

 

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