Daily Limerick
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(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: November 2013
DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2013:
Assault arrest, Chris Brown, must glean,
such shock that it only can mean…
Had class, "Anger Management"--
smart cash for new man spent--
must be persona for 'Ween?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2013:
So Jesse Jackson, Jr. issued a news release for…showing up at prison? (http:// www.chicagotribune.com/news/.../chi-jackson-jr-turned-away-after-showing- up-at-prison-early-20131029,0,4738089.story)

Well, if that's the thinking now, we oughta whip up something about that intern and the strawberries and… This thing that happened, you know, to that, um, friend…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2013:
As we hit the month of November
some gimmick with 'stashes, "Mo-vember,"
but I say we call it--
hail month full-on fall wit'--
the most awesome month of "Blow-vember"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2013:
The website for the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders was hacked, directing users to a porn site. (http://ftw.usatoday.com/.../miami-dolphins-cheerleaders-website-hacked-pointed-to -porn-site/)

This actually works as a convenience to site visitors, considering their next browsing stop would likely be… Well, it's convenient, as we said…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!…

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2013:
Yo! Dorky-ass "goth" kids in black?
Think that you've "claimed" Poe? Well, you're whacked!
Much more to Poe's lessons
than self-wrought "depression"--
post Halloween, taking him back!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2013:
We saw a commercial recently for a WWE video game. WWE, of course, the league for "professional wrestling."

Now, it's safe to assume that this video game, like all/most video games, features competition among players and/or of the player-vs.-game variety.

Meaning the outcome is based on skill and unknown until the match in question plays out, as with the vast majority of sports.

So here's a strange case where the video game is far more real than the actual "sport" it mimics…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/3/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Rock Star Dreams, Part II
…Is underway.

Seriously. We know we set you up for the Grand Conclusion last week, but, for a change, I'm blowing this off NOT because I'm slacking--but because I'm working too hard!

See, I got carried away writing Part II--oh, is it an epic edition!--and… Yeah, so we'll essay at ya' next week (unless I get all Tolstoy and have to do this AGAIN)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2013:
J. Jackson, Jr.'s news release...
Start prison stint? Does ego cease?
If this is New Protocol,
better get on the ball--
send next time I score a piece!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2013:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some might say we should just give up on this but… Okay, saw a damn Christmas-themed commercial the day before Halloween.

Ahem.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?

No.

Time for our annual advice, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

You see a Christmas display in a store before Thanksgiving?

Ask to see the manager.

Then remind him of the calendar date and kick him right square in the nuts--tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2013:
Miami cheerleaders' site vexed
by hackers--to porn redirect!
Convenient, if biz did blur,
to the site's visitors--
full porn, from there, most'd surf next!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2013:
It's confusing enough when you come to a fork in Life's Road.

A Big Decision must be made, of course.

But it's worse when you come to a spoon...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2013:
Give bus seat to lady--old-hat
style manners! But if she's so fat
that seat wouldn't sit her--
'd'need TWO seats to fit her--
what's etiquette these days for THAT?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2013:
We all know and love ice cream but did you ever get thinkin'… If THAT works so well, does other frozen dairy hit the same mark?

See, we keep a giant bag of cheeze in the freezer here at the Daily Limerick, um, Towers--bulk is cheaper, but cheeze can go bad in the fridge with such large amounts… Our early analysis?

We're not rushing off to patent Iced Cheeze just yet…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2013:
J. Depp Hall'ween fact, here folks 'tis, went--
he has fear of clowns! Well, gee whiz! Gents
and ladies, I ask you,
though meant to bring, fact, "boo!"...
Afraid of clowns, Depp is? Who isn't?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2013:
Okay, maybe if we crassly commercialize Thanksgiving, Big Retail will lay-off on the Unlubricated Anal Rape of Christmas Before Thanksgiving?

Yeah, it's a frightening concept, but desperate doings call for desperate measures...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2013:
There's video game of the sort
pro "wrestling"; must strangely report,
real matches fore win is claimed?
Odd case where vid'yo game's
more real than actual "sport"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2013:
Sorry, but the mere existence of "texting gloves" makes us want to wretch...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2013:
One night, hangin' with gorgeous Heidi,
played Twister! To make slip'ry-slidey...
"Right foot--blue!" Snuck baby oil
on board... "Left foot--Green!" Toiled
Heidi... Soon slid up inside her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2013:
What's the difference between a steaming pile of shit and a banker?

Uh... Is there one?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2013:
When pols or their shills go to bat
'fore press , words, 'gainst facts, just fall flat!
Why bother with "press conf'rence"
when it's all spin nonsense--
'least bring fun conference...of scat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2013:
First, Chicago Fuhrer...er, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel proposed yet another cigarette tax hike of 75 cents. (http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-10-20/news/chi-emanuel-wants-75-cents-a-pack-cigarette-tax-increase-20131019_1_amusement-tax-aldermen-pack-cigarette-tax-increase)

Now, he's announcing a stepped-up effort to combat...cigarette smuggling. (http://www.suntimes.com/news/23600482-418/city-increases-crackdown-on-illegal-cigarette-sales.html)

Hmmmmmm...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/10/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Ahem
Well, e-mail subscriber Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are reading this, at least.

My old laptop has crashed. Not sure as of this writing whether or not it can be saved. Been chiseling away at transferring operations from laptop to iPad and Web design/uploading is one of the trickiest functions, so hadn't figured it out when the crash occurred... Of course, this happens during a busy period and... Ahem, my friends.

But there is a super-long Part II a'comin'...sometime...soon... Good Elvis, I hope it's soon...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2013:
Desp'rate times call for desp'rate measures!
Big Retail rapes Yule--trash from treasure!
If Thanksgiving--ploy could halt--
gets full Shill Fest assualt
orgied with consumer pleasure?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2013:
A friend of mine was all bent out of shape the other day because I wasn't gung-ho about getting set-up with Netflix and the like.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

"But how can you STAND the commercials?"

Well, I have to pee now and then. Grab a snack. I like having a little time reading my newspapers, memorizing songs and poems and such. Little light work, mostly play--works for me.

"But you can watch WHATEVER you want, WHENEVER you want."

Well, I manage to find SOMETHING worthy of my attention when I'm ready to relax, what with hundreds of cable channels and such--and my cable bill is included in condo association dues, so I get it anyway.

Oh, and if I have a Lady over or something, I'll worry about hunting down an appropriate flick or show, Netflix, DVD or otherwise. On an average night... Again, works for me.

"But some of those classic old shows you watch... They CUT CONTENT! They ALTER the art form! Oh, the humanity!"

Now, maybe if i'm watching freakin' "Citizen Kane" or something but... You know, people are just WAY too serious about their entertainment these days...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2013:
Chi-Town's shyster mayor and elf
whines--"Cig smuggling must hit 'Done' Shelf!"
--mere days after tax junkie
raised cig tax! Rahm's flunkie
of "Hist'ry Repeats Itself"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2013:
Telling little slice-of-life nugget here... Oh, Chief Limericist checked-in.

I'm far from a design expert. I perhaps know a wee bit more than the average cat, having worked with newspaper layouts.

An ex of mine helped me out with my acting headshots once. She was amazed that I was able to turn color photos to black-and-white with the toggle of a pull-down menu.

She was a design student. Actual, a design GRADUATE student, for which she successfully since has completed coursework.

But don't forget, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. You NEED that college to survive in today's world.

Never mind those rate-of-inflation-dwarfing college costs. Nor the indentured servitude those student loands force upon you.

Big Tobacco ain't got nothin' on Big Academia's scam...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2013:
Invention of Iced Cream? Bees knees!
Got me won'drin', since does so please...
How's 'bout other dairy
iced-up to make merry?
But... Guess we'll hold off on, "Iced Cheeze."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2013:
Here's a little game for today's Wednesday "Food" content, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

We toss out a silly premise; YOU make a joke!

Ready?

Okay--

What would a "John Denver Omelette" be?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2013:
Prepare to laugh so hard it stuns!
Here's joke via Lim'rick; how fun--
what's diff'rence 'tween banker twit
and steaming pile of shit?
Er... You tell me! Is there one?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2013:
Contrary to the established Smaller Is Better Even If Portability Has No Longer Been An Issue For Some Time Movement of tech gadgetry, Apple is now releasing...SMALLER phones? (http://appleinsider.com/articles/11/02/13/apple_to_expand_reach_with_new_smaller_iphone_enhanced_mobileme)

Could this be another instance of Daily Limerick Told Ya' So?

Nawww...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2013:
When Life hits Big Decision mode,
they say, "Fork in road's" what it bodes!
But what does it mean
when on Life's Path scene
you come to a..SPOON in the road?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2013:
Recently, my iPad's App Store informed me that an update was available for the Facebook app. The update was described as being for "bug fixes."

So hit hit update...and it gives me an error.

I try again...it gives me an error.

I try again... You get the idea.

So the update for "bug fixes" apparently has... You get the idea...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2013:
Dee had such long, hot legs... My, my! Mmmmm...
Long schemed some way I could unpry 'em
and go wild with Pretzel Games!
When long dreamed sweet love came--
needed Boy Scout to untie 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2013:
Curiously enough, today is the anniversary of Daily Limerick going online at DailyLimerick.net. (Previous to that, it was even shoddier, believe it or not, as a free personal Earthlink jobbie.)

Nine years.

Something to consider as we finally got this back up, in some form.

At least, as we're penning this, we THINK it's going up for today's edition...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2013:
For clods who text-drive/walk--no love!
Merch just for them? Ain't from Above!
While I strive to tolerate
new trends gut cries to hate...
Really folks? Need, "texting gloves"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2013:
While the Internet has been of no help to us in finding a link to it, we recall a recent-ish study/survey which found that the majority of consumers preferred human cashiers to those computerized "self checkout" lanes.

After reading of this, we noticed that most local grocers began downplaying the things--some even removing some.

CVS drug stores never got the memo.

They really, really push the self checkouts.

It's difficult to find a human cashier to help you at CVS.

And the human beings they DO have working?

It's hard to find one behind a counter. They're all out helping people work the "self" checkout machines...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/17/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hmmm.
You've undoubtedly noticed that this website is in a bit of, er, a state, shall we say?

Need I say more this week?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2013:
You swallowed cell yet? If forced, figure,
to e-mail/web through, shoot-spree'd trigger!
Two-inch TV sessions?
Have we learned a lesson
with new iPhones finally...bigger?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2013:
We have mixed feelings about the Walmart Neighborhood Market that opened recently-ish in our area.

It's cheap, but... Well.

Gave up waiting to buy stamps at its Customer Service counter.

If we wanted to wait forever on ill-trained, surly morons for "service"... Well, we'd just go to the damn Post Office!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2013:
Facebook app update? Routine... (Shrug.) See
it's "bug fix," but "update" pulls ruggy
from under me--download chokes!
Try again... Is this joke--
update for "bug fix" is buggy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2013:
Kudos to Walmart for running a commercial for that forgotten holiday, Thanksgiving.

The ad is followed immediately by one anally raping Christmas, but we're still commending them for acknowledging that a holiday does indeed fall between Halloweeen and Christmas...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2013:
At most any diner can get
Denver omelette--formula's set!
But what would the recipe
for this here concept be?--
Ponder, "John Denver Omelette"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2013:
While I'm a big fan of Cap'n Crunch and all his offerings, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I found the "Oops! All Berries" a bit much.

Crunch Berries are a delight and all, but they're best in moderation.

However, with the new Chocolately Crunch, after a mistaken purchase of All Berries, I mixed the two and...

Not bad.

Not great.

Let's just say "interesting."

But worth a try, at least for those serious about their breakfast nooks...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2013:
Ads? Edits? Folks keep hassling me
for watching old-fashioned TV!
Ads--breaks for pee/snack tasks bring!
Mostly 'bout relaxing--
folks take it too ser'yously!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2013:
Greta van Susteren.

Pete Rose.

Ever seen 'em both in the same room at the same time?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2013:
Polls of shoppers say, "Get the heck out
of here with self-check lanes!" But neck's out,
CVS, counter stems flow--
didn't get the memo--
clerks all helping with "self" checkouts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2013:
Saw a headline mentioning "Black...Wednesday"?

Excuse us a moment while we violently hurl.

So the "New Black" is... Bleech!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2013:
For Thanksgiving, tone, must not bobble!
Give thanks--don't let gratefulness wobble!
Heed those in need's pleas!
And drop to your knees...
to thank me, girls, with... Gobble, gobble

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2013:
So, the geezer behind eHarmony insists on inexplicably appearing in ads for the site?

Well, let's just say that those of us who find Internet dating to be creepy ain't changing our minds after those commercials...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2013:
Walmart? Torn! Though mom-pops does blanch,
cheap prices aid budget at ranch!
With skimping on labor costs,
wait for stamps, near grew moss!
Want that? I'd hit P.O. branch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2013:
Just when we're thinking we should lay-off on the harpin' 'bout pre-Thanksgiving Christmas deluge--what with even "SNL" now fun-making at our expense over the seemingly hopeless cause... Received a Thanksgiving card.

Details unnecessary.

Charlie Brown-iness now recharged.

A Thanksgiving card.

(Smile; sigh)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/24/2013:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: People Pay Good Money for a Tease...
So don't go bitchin' that we still haven't filed the Conclusion to our Rock Star Dreams edition yet.

But the Site, Archives and Links are all back up; just need to rejigger Google Ad Sense after the Great Daily Limerick Laptop Crash of 2013...so shut your turkey holes...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2013:
Black Friday this, that... Cheer, can wreck!
Small Biz Sat., 'Net Mon.? Shill unchecked!
Read pre-Bird, See Friends Day's
now hack-dubbed... "Black Wednesday"?
Seems to me, the "New Black" is...BLECCH!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2013:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

At an early workplace Holiday party, the spouse of a coworker informed me, "You look like a hitman."

Perhaps a wee bit of explanation is in order. My main job-gig entails running bus tours of sites/stories concerning Prohibition-era, gangster Chicago.

Nonetheless, I'm thinkin' this crack... Well, is one of the best compliments I've ever received.

Seriously...still stoked...freakin' awesome!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2013:
Must give Walmart a big, "Hooray!"
Ran odd ad themed... Thanksgiving Day?
Next came their Black Friday shill,
but sugared bitter pill...
Any hope helps, I must say.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2013:
"Black" this and "Black" that... "Black Friday," and now "Black Wednesday" and... Is there room left for "Green and Red"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2013:
"Oops! All Berries"? Too much for me!
But... New Cap'n Crunch? "Chocolatey"!?!
I mixed 'em together--
abandon untethered...
Well, "interesting's" what my take be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2013:
We typically have "Food"-related content on Wednesday.

So... Glance at your calendar.

Trust you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can take it from there...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2013:
Thanksgiving--mind blessings, block sorrows!
'Fore Yule merriment, Time's Sands borrowed,
those loved, full embrace,
here, now, face-to-face,
lest Fate sweeps them elsewhere Tomorrow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2013:
Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving!...

What the hell, make it a Spanks-giving!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2013:
Fight 'gainst Christmas Shill Stretch is hard!
But Charlie Brown smile soothes this bard--
thoughts of me came into play,
for obscure holiday,
I received... THANKSGIVING card?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2013:
Okay, so we've been some of the most foremost critics of too-early Christmas hubbub. That is, pre-Thanksgiving.

But... Well, look at your calendars.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, start your Festive Engines O' Merriment!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2013:
That geezer, TV ads, parading...
eHarmony? HE'S to spur mating?
Goal'd seem be explained,
those like me remain...
Firmly creeped-out by all eDating?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2013:
So, in the latest "news" concerning those Sandy Hook shootings, the loser-shooter--let's allow the name of that sack-of-shit to fade from memory... Well, "experts" and such are still puzzled as to a...motive?

Can we, for once, leave "motive" as, "worthless nutjob"?...