Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: August 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2014:
Online social network sensation
begs word change for accommodation--
split-second expression!
Thought? No time for messin'!
So word's now, "crap-italization"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Yesterday we were harping on these modern remakes of classic monster movies and... Well, we have something else to add.

Okay, so those old special effects are often an easy target. But at least, say, Lon Chaney, Jr. as the Wolfman looked, you know, heavily bearded, which does seem natural, if not glitzy/cool.

So how do these cats manage to spend all of this money and time on top-of-the-line, oft computer-generated special effects...to appear more fake than the flicks from many decades ago?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2014:
A perv-nymph named Barbra Jo Darby
craved dwarves like a fat boy craves Arby's!
Met hot Aussie dwarf named Drew
at swingin' barbecue--
cooked up some shrimp IN the Barbie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Just once, can we see a city bicyclist get a ticket for blowing off red lights and... Well, apparently whatever they want to do--despite the fact that the city of Chicago gives them scarce street space and they're supposedly expected to obey all the rules of cars?

Get on it cops, or make dooring the bastards illegal.

There are only two choices here...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2014:
Our "no text or cell and drive" mission
oddly shares trait with... Prohibition?
Look 'round you, NO ONE obeys!
But, unlike '20s days,
"roar's" just annoying condition!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Chief Limericist here, checking in with a long-time, carless urbanite's thoughts on automobile commuting, as circumstances dictate for the time being.

I'll admit that it's almost impossible to avoid some degree of road rage, as much as I've bashed it's, er, sufferers.

But like any good comedian, if a pissed-off comedian, I avoid the cop-out of profanity for its own sake.

I'm at least creative about it.

"Mouth-breathing, drooling Neanderthal!" "Stuff cotton in your ears--the feces is dripping out of your brain cavity!" "Texty McShitferbrains!"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/3/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Beaver!...
...As in, "Busy as a beaver." As previously related herein. So no edition today.

But we did take the time to craft an eye-catching headline/title, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2014:
In work world, seems there "Us" and "Them"!
Most toil weekdays, eight hours, per diem!
But entertainers, like me,
"case of Mondays"? Good! Weeee!
So today... TGIM!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Wow. We're into August and believe that, this year, we've yet to make a joke at the expense of the Chicago Cubs.

Just as well. Crappiest team in all of professional sports, haven't won a championship in more than a decade... Kinda like riffin' ala, "Just flew in from such-and-such and boy, are my arms tired," at this point...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2014:
Thrill's heat runs through me like a rash!
Cross border, to haul in Big Cash...
Okay, not quite on the lam--
into Wisconsin am
seeking to save buck on gas!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Kumbaya, my Lord.

Kumbaya.

Everybody!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2014:
Love cheeze! Every type has its flair!
Havarti, brie, Swiss, camembert,
edam, bleu and cheddar!
Tough choice--like which better?
For my tongue, must shout, "Hail, Gruyere!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Last week, I whipped-up a Hamburger Helper dinner, which I have mixed feelings about.

In a rush, classic, bachelor-style meal? Wonderful. Otherwise, it's not culinary science to toss together a quick dish with ground beef.

This was a newer variety, with hash browns, so I used a roll of ground, spicy breakfast pork sausage rather than hamburger.

Currently, on the lam from the processed/prepared food police.

Mmm. Not a bad idea. Maybe my next stunt will have me on the lamb with Hamburger Helper...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2014:
Sound, tree falling, forest, say'ng doubts it
with no ear to hear, and thus tout it!
But Facebook Age, question's pith--
really make a sound with
countless boring posts about it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

We need better terms than "junk mail" and its electronic equivalent, "spam."

Some people actually have a use for--and even find valuable--non-mail items commonly labeled as "junk" or "spam"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2014:
Once, this time was lazy, carefree!
Now Dog Days... Well, Dog Days to me!
Dog? Work like one, lust like one!
Summer? All work, no fun!
Gets to you...Sirius-ly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Conservative, Right-Wing war hawks are a'clamoring in Congress to keep the War Machine going in Afghanistan, like... Ill. Sen. Dick Durbin (Dem.)?

Now's as good a time any to remind folks that a progressive/liberal/Democrat got us into the Vietnam War.

Modern day progressives/liberals/Democrats tend to forget about that nugget...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2014:
T'ward Burl, the soup maker was hateful--
with just-legal daughter, too playful!
But Burl's spring-fall knack
soon earned him a crack...
Could say he was "robbin' the ladle"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Hopped into the shower the other day to find...it under construction.

Damn this time of year...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2014:
Sometimes, others' tips can be nice,
'less source has you think more than twice!
Celebs and your Twits?
You're NOT the right fit--
relationship tips and advice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

You all know, of course, about the annoyance of "Sunday drivers."

Well, at least in urban areas, that also extends to "Sunday walkers"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/10/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: You Want Sunday Story Time?
Then write your own edition this week.

Good Elvis. Have to schedule time to blow my nose these days...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2014:
Can protests, this day, age, NOT fail? We,
pols' regs tame them lame--by the tail--see!
Recently one moved
me! Anti-Jew groove...
Blocked traffic, so waxed... Pro-Israeli!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

In Illinois, the Republican candidate for governor is mudding the Democrat for letting state jobs go overseas, while in Wisconsin, the opposite is happening. Or some such.

Heard some radio yapper call this, "situational politics."

No. It's just more reason to avoid the potato-potahto partisan dogma...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2014:
Congressional war hawks now slam
Iraq pull-out... Durbin? Dems? Damn!
Dogma partisan falls flat!
Don't forget, Democrat
got us into Vietnam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2014:
Daily Limerick has now hit FIFTEEN YEARS of, um, "service," as of July 12!...

Today marks the Fifteenth Anniversary of the 1999 National Poetry Slam's All-Limerick Slam, my hosting of which led to an e-mail list containing a Limerick each day as a way of plugging the event, started a month prior and... Yeah.

One more golden opportunity to blow-off content on this one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2014:
Those food "helper" kits sure ain't, well, pure!
But want home meal, yet rushed? Off-shelf cure!
Used pork for new type--hash browns!
Sausage roll, went to town...
Crimes against Hamburger Helper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2014:
Folks like me are particular about our Chicago style hotdogs. There's not even agreement among Chicagoans on the exact particulars.

For example, one subset forgoes the piling-on of tomatoes and pickles and such. Just sport peppers, relish, mustard and onions--but the fries, which come with every hotdog, are stuffed right inside as well, or at least some of them. All wrapped-up together. Ideally, these are extra greasy fries, the type that actually don't taste so hot by themselves but which complement the dog ideally.

This is my idea of the Chicago style hotdog.

So 7-11 now features cheap Chicago style hotdogs. They even use the official brand, Vienna Beef.

Of course, it's 7-11. Not to bash them, as I've indulged many a thrifty 7-11 meal and, for what it is, have found it more than adequate.

All things considered, I've found 7-11's Chicago style hotdogs to be satisfactory, for what they are. So the other day, since 7-11 does not include fries with the dogs, I tried accompanying the hotdogs with fries from another one-the-go, American institution--McDonald's.

Let's just say the results were "as would be expected," and leave it at that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2014:
New takes, classic monster flicks? Wary!
Though CGI effects bring flare, the
directors go nuts with 'em!
Not sure just what's with 'em...
Somehow, new flicks just ain't scary!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2014:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers oughta know that I've been living back and forth between my inherited family home and my Chicago condo, which will be the unfortunate, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants case until I finally sell the country joint.

There's still much to do. Oh, the humanity! (Chief Limericist checked-in, here.)

On a recent afternoon, I took a look out my country window to see a bunch of turkeys just outside of my home.

So aside from...er, breed or what-have-you, country and city living have much in common, after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2014:
Old monster flick classics appeal
'spite special effects sans tech zeal!
This mod CGI,
at least to me eye,
somehow makes it all seem...LESS real?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2014:
Waxing a bit philosophical lately, so pardon us.

If a man's pants fall down while he's mowing the lawn, but nobody's around to see it... Does he still make an ass of himself?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2014:
Jane's known Lou as snake in the grass,
so's long dodged his makin' the pass...
as long as she could resist!
Recently, her dodged missed--
now, Lou's been snake in the ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2014:
Yeah, after FIFTEEN YEARS, Daily Limerick's bound to engage in some Limerick Trickery.

See, not only do the end syllables rhyme in lines one, two and five, but the overall rhyme scheme in fact employs... You really don't care, do you? Probably just irked there's no "cock" or "Nantucket" in this one, right?

Our Chief Limericist will just go off and toot his own horn quietly, then. He's becoming quite the Louis Armstrong on that instrument...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2014:
Scourge of urban bike hipster dunce?
Deal with? Wise big city may'r punts!
Prime votes...but flout traffic laws--
'cept which fit selfish cause!
Billy club one, cops? Just once?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2014:
So this 5-Hour Energy stuff? Running those self-deprecating commercials about how it tastes bad?

You know what helps wake you up, tastes good and has been around for centuries?

Coffee.

Ol' Ma Necessity has been farming out the birthing of inventions for some time now...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/17/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Great Etiquette Limbo Dance
Granted, the rules of etiquette have largely gone the way of the dodo in our modern age, what with folks constantly distracted by portable phones and such, functioning practically as both computers and entertainment centers.

So you wouldn't think increasingly blatant breaches would shock or surprise me at this point, right?

Wrong.

Recently, was using a public washroom. Standing at a urinal. With my penis in hand, mind you, of course.

A guy steps up to the urinal next to mine and begins doing his thing.

"Hey, do you have any spare change?"

Whaddaya know--we've descended to a new level...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2014:
For road rage, Finger's "demonstrative"!
Why, even "Fuck you's!" contemplative!
Sucked in, I admit,
but word use, like "twit,"
puts me among road rage creatives!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2014:
Now, we at Daily Limerick are, quite obviously, more than fine with all imaginable sexual kinks and fetishes. Whatever floats your boat, to each his own, as long as everyone's willing, etc., et. al.

But you weirdos into cartoon porn?

Just how the hell does THAT one happen? Do you... (Shudder.) Ain't goin' there.

Good luck satisfying that one in real life. And thanks for making us feel "Leave it to Beaver" normal.

Curse you, Internet!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2014:
There's label used for e-mail scams,
derived from a brand of spiced ham,
which I find offensive!
Plain wrong, when mulled pensive--
for I quite have use for real Spam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2014:
Whaddaya know.

We're stuck dealing with a problematic government in Iraq.

Thought we'd fixed that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2014:
Chi dog, Seven-'Leven! They wrecked it?...
No! But still need fries to perfect it!
So hit Golden Arches
for dogs' tater starches...
Results?... What one might've expected.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2014:
I must admit that regularly commit DWE.

Driving While Eating.

This is all new to me, or re-new to me. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I've been dealing with my family estate way out in the country, while being otherwise entrenched in Chicago, thus driving a whole lot.

Which means meals behind the wheel frequently.

Now, I'm used to munching while engaged in other tasks. Typical bachelor multi-tasking thing. But this DWE stuff is a different animal.

As a consistently frugal, mostly eat-at-home guy, I do love milking the rushed-for-time excuse to partake of fast food regularly. However, certain options don't work well behind the wheel. Kentucky Fried Chicken, for instance. (Yeah, they have sandwiches and chicken strips and such, but if I'm rockin' the Colonel, I'm gettin' the good stuff.)

This means mostly burgers and Taco Bell burritos.

Herein lies a DWE lesson, folks. Taco Bell is, of course, probably the cheapest of all fast food options. And their burritos are easily consumable while navigating the highway.

But I discovered, much to my chagrin, that not all Taco Bell burritos are wrapped equally. Perhaps not all Taco Bell employees wrap them equally...unsure of exact reasons.

After a recent visit, found myself dealing with burrito filling splatter. On the wheel, on my pants... And it wasn't just one of the burritos bought on that visit.

I took extra, undue care eating the third, but two of three burritos caused such hardship.

Be forewarned...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2014:
Now dwindling, those summer grill fires...
No Cubs jokes yet, from DL's wire?
Not slipping, just seems humdrum!
Bash Cubs? 's'Like, "Flew in from
back home--and, boy, are arms tired!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2014:
Here in the Daily Limerick offices, in the, er, Daily Limerick Tower, we have one of those page-a-day, dictionary/vocabulary calendars.

This not only brings us a new word to use each day (although, frankly, we already know/use most entries), but it provides the history of each word.

Recently, our daily dose was "assuage."

Ahem.

Now, the etymology doesn't back this up, but the fact remains that you simply can't spell "assuage" without "sausage"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2014:
From spring, with sun's reintroduction,
'til when late fall says, "That's it; fuck sun!"
The season has such power!
Why, last week, hit shower,
to find it...under construction?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2014:
We just riffed on the fact that the Chicago Cubs aren't worthy of joking about because... Really, it's like making fun of the handicapped or something at this point..

And we followed up the riffing with a Limerick on the topic, too. But... Well.

The other day, a baseball game at the Cubs' Wrigley Field was sandbagged over a rail delay.

A brief rain delay that shouldn't have quashed the game, except the team's grounds crew was...let's say inefficient in rolling the tarp onto the field.

The loserdom of this team never fails to amaze us with new developments. What, are even the Cubs' peanut vendors tripping all over the stands?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2014:
A premature problem for Mort
led to many sex trysts cut short!
Just grew worse and worse!
He banged a hot nurse--
and came back in King Arthur's Court!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2014:
Does a porn star, the morning after a long day/night of work, suffer from a "bang-over"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2014:
They're called "Sunday drivers"--view gawkers
and lollygagging drive-point-talkers!
Same day, also see...
Got somewhere to be?
You'll be delayed by...Sunday WALKERS!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2014:
This just in--Google is useless.

Okay, maybe not useLESS, but certainly usefulness-challenged.

The other day, we tried Googling the actual hours of a fast food establishment--not including the drive-through.

No luck finding our answer.

Same day, tried finding another restaurant's menu...with prices.

Same result.

We're trained journalists here and Daily Limerick, thus adept at proper search terms. Not to mention, mostly experienced in the old school way of doing a search, via library card catalogs. And that you wouldn't think these to be tricky search topics.

Basic freakin' everyday consumer questions.

In Google's defense-ish, having monopolized the search engine game, they've turned their attention to greater matters. Like selling everything. And stealing the rights to every book ever published. And ruling the world, moo-haw-haw-ha-haaaa!

Really, maybe this is just a problem with the Infotainment Superhighway itself.

Then again... Google, the Internet; potato, po-tah-to...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/24/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Phooey!
Uh-uh.

No way.

Nope.

No edition this week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2014:
Cubs' ground crew muffed rain delay--doozer!
Brief pause turned game lost--with tarp, snoozers!
Most teams? To err's human!
But Cubs' bask in Doom Wind--
right down to damned GROUNDS CREW, they're losers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2014:
Daily Limerick tries its best to comment on events with originality, foregoing most topics that are over-analyzed in the Media.

So you don't find us chiming in on, say, elusive Mid-East peace, the sky being blue or the fact that public education in America is a failure.

Care to argue that last point? Hold off a moment.

Yet we heard a news story the other day about how student ACT scores are yet again higher among Catholic school students than they are among public students and... Huh?

Catholics ignore whatever science doesn't fit their 14th Century worldview. They didn't pardon Galileo until the 1980s.

So... NOW. Let's hear why American public schools AREN'T a failure...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2014:
Iraq today sure is a mixed bag
of crackpot groups' rule--where bomb wick's at!
"Right," "Left" hash their plots fo'!
(Potato, po-tah-to.)
How puzzling--I thought that we'd fixed that?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2014:
A reason for hope?

CheckTheStamps.org

That's a City of Chicago Web site citizens can visit to report illegal cigarette sales--namely, those skirting King George-worthy Chicago taxes on smokes and selling without the paid-for tax stamp/label upon the product.

This all, of course, relates to our continuing episode of Daily Limerick Told Ya' So, meaning that OF COURSE the modern phenom of treating smokers as a government budgetary punching bag is going to result in forms of smuggling.

So, yeah, we're cheering the what-should-have-been-obvious. Always good to reinforce your understanding of logic, reality and how the world works.

Of course, the optimism, like much optimism, carries an inherent dose of pessimism.

Namely, that our government(s) will apparently never learn the lessons of, oh, Prohibition, the Boston Tea Party and, in general, history repeating itself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2014:
Long past days of recklessly speeding;
no urge for 'hind wheel cell/text bleating...
My human distraction?
Ain't legal infraction--
but I'll cop to Driving While...Eating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2014:
I'm a big fan of those macaroni and cheeze boxes. The cheapo, easy-to-make deals.

Of course, I also love the baked mac and cheeze, but that's a whole different animal. Or at least a whole different subspecies.

The boxed variety is a delight as-is, but I'm also big on souping it up. Add a can of chili and, voila! Chili mac. Can add bacon, salsa, extra cheeze... It's like a quick meal canvas!

It's a kitchen staple for me, so I'm always on the brainstorm for new soup-up ideas. So recently bought... Spam.

Not just Spam, but this, I believe newer variety... Spam with bacon.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will be seated on the edge of their kitchen seats until next Wednesday's "Food" content!... Unless it takes me until the Wednesday after that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2014:
Two races, two parties...same volley 'twixt?
Hack dubs, "situational politics"?
More partisan snow job
for out-of-the-know slobs!
Pick party? Mere dogmatic, folly tricks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2014:
Chief Limericist, here, checking in with a slice-of-life vignette.

Recently, was driving on the highway, late at night, and heard the weather forecast predict, "Some showers after 5 a.m."

This while driving through a downpour making visibility difficult.

Is there any difference between a "weatherman"/"meteorologist" and an opportunist "psychic" making a buck with a black cat and "crystal ball"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2014:
Panhandlers, tough times, mooch infernal!
Some etiquette, dudes? Just a kernel?
Feel guilty critiquing,
but one, change was seeking,
while I held my schwantz o'er the ur'nal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2014:
We've been holding our literary tongue regarding this Ice Bucket Challenge jazz.

Following our modus operandi, we've clammed because there's no shortage of this phenom's coverage.

Yes, like many/most, we're sick of hearing about this--and we think it's goofy.

We agree with the obvious commentary. Wondering why people don't just give money to a just cause, rather than having to organize marathons or walks or skyscraper stair climbs or ice bucket stunts. We well understand the need for public awareness, and thus these types of campaigns, at the same time we question the troubling, operative fact here.

The worthiness of a cause is measured by the creativity of its accompanying PR gimmick.

All of this threatens to steer us away from our modus operandi, so we're making these points because we're touching on this Ice Bucket Challenge anyway.

Now here's the Daily Limerick angle everyone's apparently missing--

We know damn well there's a slew of prepubescent lads out there now developing an ice bucket fetish.

Thanks, Ice Bucket Warriors...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2014:
Seems yesterday... Spring!... Sprang then sprung!
Then, Summer's Song... Sing, sang and sung!
Next, sunny day lover
crawls out from 'neath covers
and Summer Fling? Fling, flang and flung!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2014:
Time flies.

When you're having fun, sure. But also when you're not having fun. In fact, even when you're miserable.

Oh, you may think, in the middle of an awful period, "It seems like this spring/summer/fall/winter will NEVER end," but, a few months down the line, you'll inevitably think, "Man, that spring/summer/fall/winter just flew by!"

So there you go, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Update your cliche stash accordingly...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2014:
So... Ice Bucket Challenge? Don't get this!
Just DONATE--ditch gimmick vid's wet dish!
Hope most these ice buckets
are dumped in Nantucket--
'cause pre-pube boys got a new fetish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2014:
It's that time of year again.

Reading, writing...and the arithmatic of the Cubs being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs....

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/31/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Craig's List Tale
What a selfish, rude and mentally unstable chick!

Now, if today's title has you expecting a tale of sexual adventure and/or misadventure... Well, I still say read on, but change your expectations. Although today's installment does testify to the overall reliability-challenged nature of folks using Craig's List.

Had a couch I was seeking to lose. Inherited an extra house when my father passed away earlier this year, seeking to sell that followed by unloading my current Chicago condo... You don't need to know more than that. And if you're any kind of Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, you already do.

This was a battered, dingy, heavy, smelly pull-out model, left by a previous renter/roommate who... Let's just say that not only is the couch a physical problem--to move or even toss out, what with association dumpster rules--but emotional baggage as well. Trying to get on my moves well ahead of time, and knowing the couch to be likely incapable of fetching a sale price, I listed it on Craig's List with a "You haul it, it's free" post.

I received near-immediate interest in the couch. The first party asked for its size, although that appeared in the ad, then double-checked his new apartment room sizes before nixing the idea. Then came a young lady, new to town and with few belongings, living on the cheap. My schedule has been ridiculously tricky, living much of my time away from the city with estate business, so we penciled-in a date and time almost two weeks in advance.

Then came word from a third interested party. One who could come and grab the thing, same day. Which would've been ideal. But dumb old, Mr. Fair (Yours Truly) followed "first come, first served" and told this third party that the couch was handled, but I'd keep his e-mail in my "in" box, in case things fell through.

The chick did e-mail once to ask about the couch's dimensions, which were given upfront in the ad, but otherwise this seemed a well-planned, organized exchange. I checked-in with her a couple of times as the date neared, confirming day, time, etc. She mentioned that she'd hired movers to haul the couch, so this seemed about as solid as it could get.

On the day in question, she arrived a few minutes early. Asked if she and I could move the couch out into my building's courtyard, to save some time/money on the movers. I obliged.

I planned this out so the couch would be moved more than an hour before I'd need to leave for work. In fact, almost two hours early--in case of delays. Yet I was eager to leave the house once the couch was handled. Summer in the city, I leave for work earlier, hang out downtown, utilizing modern portability in computing, etc. Especially this particular summer, feeling that much of it was "lost" in the relentless tasks of handling two homes and my parents' estate, while already mentally moving, if not moved, out of my Chicago condo. (Was trapped in the joint through divorce and recession, now eager to sell the family home and use that boost to leave the beyond-my-means, roommate-necessary-for-bills arrangement behind for something simpler and more affordable.)

Something was holding the process up, however. I thought about leaving--the chick was just waiting for her hired movers; the process near complete. But I didn't want guff from the condo association and, also wearing the Mr. Responsible Hat, I didn't feel right about leaving with the couch still in the courtyard.

And the couch sat in the courtyard for some time.

I went downstairs and outside to check-in with Couch Chick a couple of times, receiving updates like, "They're already late and should be here anytime" and "They were trapped in traffic behind an accident." I called her once or twice, too.

This went on for over an hour.

Eventually I explained to her my situation, unsure what I could do to move things along. She seemed a bit miffed at the movers, understandably, but nonetheless appeared confident that they'd arrive, indicating that she was still in contact with them via phone.

A periodic e-mail check turned up one from Couch Chick. "I'm giving up one these guys and going home. Good luck with the couch."

I ran outside to see if I could catch her before she hopped a cab, bus, etc. No luck. So I then called and e-mailed her. "At least help me move the damned couch back into my condo!" No luck with that, either. She was gone.

Yes, my roommate/renter was physically in the condo. But Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who've followed Sunday Story Time know my roommate/renters have been...less than useful, let's say. And leave it at that.

So there I was, clock-wise at near crunch time for leaving to work. Already dressed for work but now having a couch sitting in the courtyard that needed moving ASAP. A couch I couldn't possibly drag up two floors by myself to the condo.

That third party! I called and e-mailed him, but couldn't wait for a reply on getting voicemail.

Options zoomed through my head. Could just leave the thing and play know-nothing... Could call/e-mail the condo association, explain my plight and promise to move the couch as soon as I could... Could manhandle the thing, end over end, down the street to somebody else's dumpster or an alley... Could look into junk removers!

'Net searched some junk removal companies, picked one and checked its Yelp!-like crap, called, was assured they'd haul it away that afternoon/early evening, shelled-out and left for work.

I told the junk folks to text me when the couch was removed. They did, but I was still nervous upon crossing the courtyard to return home after my work shift.

The couch was indeed gone. Around then I heard back from that third party.

But after briefly entertaining the possibility of making a bit of dough off the unwanted couch, then resigning myself to free-for-haul, in the end I paid good money to be rid of the damned thing.

Now and then I do question my perhaps dinosaur-like dating ideals in avoiding online options, like Craig's List. And now and then something like this happens to assure me, "No, stick to your trusty guns."

And I'm sure that, long before society became Internet dependent, folks encountered flakes through newspaper ads when giving away unwanted couches.

But getting back to those dinosaur-like ideals, no logic can convince me that the Internet HASN'T someone unleashed a Golden Age of Flakiness...