Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: December 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2014:
Now, cowboys duel, town square, sand dune,
by sunlight--not by dark or moon!
My question is, why
must the sun be high?
Can't they face off, say, at "LOW Noon"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2014:
The thing about "vaping"... Okay. Off the bat, smoking is a horribly unhealthy habit and vaping is a methadone-y, healthier alternative for tobacco addicts.

But while smoking is cool... Ahem. Sorry, but it DOES look cool. Maybe that's derives from tobacco company marketing scams enlisting Hollywood but, empirically, smoking looks cool. Despite the generations of PSA posters and such. I've had some of the most rabid anti-smoking folks admit as much to me. Chicks dig "bad boys," "bad" activities take on a rebellious coolness in general, beyond smoking... Yeah, sorry folks, but facts are facts.

People vaping, however... Well, look like total dillweeds.

We've hesitated to mention this, given the health angles and all. Patches are easily hidden. Nicotine gums and lozenges and such are nonchalant.

Maybe the knuckleheadism of vaping can help shame former smokers into ditching nicotine altogether.

Then again, as with transferring nicotine addiction to gums and such, maybe looking like a dickhead and vaping just, eventually, brings the would-be "quitters" back to old-fashioned smoking...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2014:
So Bill Cosby?... Guess that I will
chime in, though we've all heard our fill!
Saw pics... Know I'm asking
for it--his harassing
marks sure have been sliding downhill!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2014:
#hashtagsarelame

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2014:
This tale's late night, drive-through tearjerker!
Know to check bag from fast-food workers--
had fixin's, whole orders botched!
This screw-up? Highest notch--
toppings were fine, 'cept no...burger?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2014:
I've begrudgingly become a Rachael Ray...fan? Customer? Something like that.

I hate the whole idea of these damn "celebrity chefs." A label that certainly fits Ray.

But I ended up buying something of hers. Felt all dirty doing so, but it was after carefully reading the label and finding healthy, wholesome ingredients. Plus, it was affordable.

In fact, I've bought this product a second time because the taste was pleasing, which was surprising because... Well, I'm talking about Rachael Ray's dry cat food.

Cats, like people, tend not to like healthier foods. I've tried similar, wholesome-y varieties and my cats have shunned it. Not so with Ray's.

So... Yeah. Credit where credit's due.

Now I'm partly responsible for this celebrity chef crap, though, and I can't seem to shower away the filthy feeling...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2014:
Though mostly reformed now, I had
past hideously checkered! Bad!
In fact, was so checkered
that one could conjecture
my past, in fact's, actu'lly plaid!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2014:
We've heard this bellyachin' over "sex discrimination in fashion" for some time, but we've finally experienced it firsthand.

So, apparently only women are entitled to soft slippers--that is without rubber/hard bottoms? Men have to "clop clop" around on hardwood floors because that's "manly," according to Big Footwear?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2014:
Call ritual we know as mating
confusing--and you're understating!
And if you are out of swing,
for some time, with these things,
best term for it's "carbon dating"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Martin van Buren's Birthday!...

Okay, that may sound obscure, but it's better than Happy Extra Cheezy Anniversary of a Killer College Party Thrown by our Chief Limericist that Happened to Fall on Martin van Buren's Birthday and Was Thus Dubbed a Martin van Buren's Birthday Party...right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2014:
A hippie elf chick had wild hair
in pits, on legs and...well, down there!
When Santa, rounds rocking,
took turn at her stocking...
'Twas hung by the chimney...with Nair!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2014:
Fourteen Iranian states have now banned wild animal circus acts.

So will we see a rush of American vegans moving there? Considering Iran now matches the vegan policy of putting animal welfare above that of humans?...

Happy Festively Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2014:
"Hands-free" driving laws! For the best? Your
"hands-free" to keep eye on road? Rest 'sured,
boondoggle! From what I see,
"hands-free" so you can be
distracted by wild hand gestures!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2014:
This time of year, you can't help but encounter these news features offering tips on how to act at office holiday parties.

Tips on how to behave at a recreational event. For full-grown adults.

We are, of course, a society that needs to be told not to look away from the road to read an electronic device while piloting an automobile, after all...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/7/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Vocabulary of Ol' What's-His-Name
In a recent edition, I'd mentioned that I'd start telling some of my late father's stories in this space, with he having led an interesting life yet not endowed with writerly talents, or at least not by his own assessment. So this one is, as best as I can remember, how Dad told it.

It was in the U.S. Navy, early 1960s, that Dad encountered Ol' What's-His-Name. It is I who doesn't recall the fellow's name, my father referring to him as "Ol' Johnson" or whatever his actual name was.

Dad and Ol' What's-His-Name were in the same English class. Perhaps it was dubbed something like "Rhetoric." In any event, such classes were tougher for Naval students than for those in civilian universities. Cadets were, of course, physically worked to the bone. They'd also have their schedules stretched on both ends, up entire nights for watch duties at times and up at the crack of dawn for general military routine.

Many of these guys had a penchant for partying, too. Work hard, play hard. Ol' What's-His-Name was one of these sorts.

What made Ol' What's-His-Name legendary, and one of the men remembered decades later out of hundreds or even thousands of Navy mates, was his vocabulary. It seems the guy would regularly show off this ability, tossing out words in everyday conversation that most listeners didn't know. Words in English and words that were obviously English, even to those who didn't know the definitions.

One can tell these things. I'm sure his Navy pals even looked up some of the words Ol' What's-His-Name tossed around, to make sure.

I've been guilty of vocabulary show-off myself, for the record. In fact, I was terrible with this when I dated a girl from France who wasn't completely English fluent.

One day in class brought the incident that solidified Ol' What's-His-Name's legendary status, for Dad and, likely, many others in that English class.

Ol' What's-His-Name was out of it. I believe it was an early morning class. The previous night had entailed perhaps an all-night watch, perhaps partying, perhaps both. In any event, Ol' What's-His-Name was less than bright eyed and bushy tailed, as well as unprepared for the day's studies. Maybe he'd dozed off, too. I forget some details.

The English teacher sensed Ol' What's-His-Name's lacking mental state. Posing a question to the class, he scanned the students and called on Ol' What's-His-Name to answer, knowing full well the guy couldn't possibly comply.

It was then that Ol' What's-His-Name launched into a lengthy tirade, dipping into the far reaches of his copious vocabulary, emitting a dissertation that was unquestionably English, yet far too obtuse for anyone in the class to fully comprehend. Including the teacher.

The teacher's face took on a shocked expression that Dad would never forget. A prideful career military man and English professor, he wouldn't dare admit that he couldn't follow the tirade.

So the professor thanked Ol' What's-His-Name for "answering," and proceeded with class as if nothing abnormal had occurred...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2014:
Facebook Messenger! They hard sell
text app cloaked in whistles and bells!
Makes perfect sense ads are backed
by classic song soundtrack--
covered and butchered to hell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2014:
Gee, it's too bad that, on Twitter, you can't find a feed that'd, say, offer you thousands of "followers" for a fee...no matter how hard you look for one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2014:
Disorder of mind that destroys ya'
has new slant--Twitter Paranoia!
You think/hope you're "followed,"
but they just self wallow--
Selfie Media merely toys ya'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2014:
This time of the year might bring you late night visits from former spouses and lovers...ala the Ghost of Ex-Mas Pissed...Ghost of Ex-Mas Pleasant...and the dreaded, mentally unstable Ghost of Ex-Mas Sutures!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2014:
Mere term, "celeb chefs," drives me bats!
But Rachael Ray? Must tip my hat...
Sure ain't no lame "foodie,"
but joining the brood be
not me--her chow's dug by...my cats!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2014:
And the winner of the Best Sugary Snack Competition is... Oh. Guess I didn't make much out of this one, as I did with the Best Ethnic Food Competition, with a multi-week, "playoff"-y kinda deal. Nonetheless--

The winner of the Best Sugary Snack Competition is... Cookies!

Of course, I haven't just discovered cookies. But I have been more of a salty snack guy for most of my snacking life--chips, pretzels, sausage and cheeze, etc. Maturity or something has led to me adding more sweet to the salty snack equation in recent years.

I've always been a pie fan. Still am--especially when it's up against cake. Pie's not the greatest casual, snack-as-you-go pick, however. It's somewhere between a snack and a meal, actually. Love me the chocolate, but also dig the fruity and/or chewy candies--Skittles, Nerds, gummy selections, etc.

Cookies, however, have the sweet, but also work on a more tangible level. That is, you can throw down mass cookies and fill up, while large quantities of pure, uncut candy leave you feeling...you know. Plus, the versatility of the cookie snacking medium allows you to get some chocolate, or other candy, right within the cookie.

For these reasons, I dub cookies the Best Sugary Snack. And I haven't even touched on Christmas cookies, which would be a candidate should ever start a Meaning of Life Competition...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2014:
New slippers did need--to store, dashin'!...
What? No men's soft-soled ones--my passion?
For dames, many makin'!
Now get bellyachin'
o'er sex discrim'nation in fashion!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2014:
Chief Limericist checking in, here, for a slice-of-life vignette.

An Asian friend of mine on Facebook--I say friend as opposed to "friend" because I've actually met her, face-to-face and all, unlike most on FB--posted something to the point of just because she's Asian, it doesn't mean she likes karaoke, knows karate, etc.

So I whimsically replied that I could now go public with my hatred of karaoke and not worry about being dubbed "racist." To which she... Whoo, boy!

The question arose as to why I hate karaoke, to which I replied, and soon I was being ripped into for dissing karaoke. "Who are you to say who sings well and who doesn't?"

And so... Well, there you go. Don't send the messenger to sensitivity training...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2014:
Though unhealthy habit escaping
and motion's James Dean/Bogart aping...
Try gum, lozenge, patch you fools!
Smoking brings bad boy cool--
but you look like dickheads "vaping"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2014:
What do beer and insurance commercials have in common?

Er, sorry, but that's not a joke. The answer is that both have nothing to do with the actual product shilled.

We guess that's because beer and insurance have so much in common. See, beer is all about relaxation and having a good time, while insurance... Hmm.

Okay, maybe it is a joke after all. Punch line needs some work, though...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2014:
Bob Cratchit thought son's future dim,
but neighbor girl walked in on him
while boy was undressing...
and counted new blessing!
(No longer calls him "Tiny" Tim!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2014:
So, now what the hell are we gonna call it when a porn star is kidnapped? You know, since the obvious, "Amber Alert," is taken?...

Happy Winter Wonderland of a Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2014:
This time of year, news brings tips/facts,
how to ace...office party "task"?
Makes sense--need be told,
"Don't text/drive!" Ads scold!
Of course need "learn" how to relax!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2014:
Considering his whackjob political views, we'd like to avoid even a slight head-bobbing to the music of Ted Nugent.

But, say, "Stranglehold" comes on the car radio and... We're rockin'. Can't help it.

Kinda ups the "guilty" in guilty pleasure.

So, what the hell? Next time "Cat Scratch Fever" comes on, we'll drive through a Chick-Fil-A... Those sandwiches are unfortunately deliciously delightful...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/14/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Merriment!
In fact, far too much merriment to file an edition today. Perhaps festively filing an edition next week?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2014:
Iran bans wild circus acts! Seekin'
to o'ershine realm's Evil like beacon?
So animal welfare trumps
that of mere human chumps?
Who do they think they are--vegan?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2014:
We're trying to make sense of these do-it-yourself stations at gas stations, near the pump.

You know. The ones with the liquid receptacles and the scrubber/squeegee thingies?

Their omnipresence would indicate high demand...for driving away with completely filthy windows?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2014:
Scrooge Christmas ghosts--past, present, future!
Mine are for "Ex-Mas"! Hoochie-coo? Sure,
but one part of rocky mix--
nuts, heartbreak, sleazy tricks...
Pissed, Pleasant and (causing) Sutures!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2014:
Okay, it makes sense for vehicles to pull to the side of the road when an ambulance or firetruck comes along, lights and sirens blaring.

But while it's certainly better to err on the side of caution, must every vehicle in a quarter-mile radius--even on the other side of medians from the emergency vehicles--screech to a halt and pull waaay onto the shoulder?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2014:
Results are now in! Call your bookie!
The Top Sweet Snack? The tastebud's nookie?
Choc's strong, if delicious;
mmm...pie...dirties dishes...
Top Sweet Snack is, hands-down, the Cookie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2014:
I'm integrating to a mug-based coffee drinking system.

See, I used to have one of those big, refillable, insulated White Hen mugs. White Hen, of course, the chain convenience story, Midwestern and such, that was bought out by 7-11 a few years back.

My insulated mug fell apart at some point. My last one, anyway, as I used that coffee system for many moons. So started using this piece-of-crap Starbucks cup thing, that's supposed to be insulated, I think...a bit hard to explain. In any event, that ain't cuttin' it.

Dealing with two homes, prepping to sell the family estate, I've been using the traditional coffee mug system when in the country, which is where I've been spending the majority of my time for the past year-ish.

Guess there's a reason the mug is the most popular coffee imbibing system around. So now I'm gonna go full mug, wherever I may be.

Hey, it IS the time of year for rebirths and such. Not as exciting as ghost visits or anything, but still...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2014:
Insurance and beer--combo gelling!
What have they in common? I'm telling--
While humor both place as key,
in ads run on TV,
say naught about wares they're selling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2014:
To this day, school buses come to a complete stop at railroad tracks, quiet all the kiddies aboard and open the doors to listen for any oncoming trains.

We understand the high value society places on children, as well as the mantra, "better safe than sorry," but crossing gates and lights were invented some time ago...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2014:
Pedophiles may be God forsaken,
so "Amber Alerts"? Well worth makin'!
But what name can we now tap
when a porn star's kidnapped--
since the name, "Amber," is taken?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2014:
Realized, upon this Season's obligatory viewing, that "It's a Wonderful Life" is the wildest fantasy of all Christmas flicks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all feature Santa and flying reindeer, ghosts and Misers, but Capra managed to paint mortgage holders as good guys!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2014:
Aged wisdom of playground extolled!
Heed tale of slut elf who cajoled
Santa to give her a pass
for toy work done half-assed--
tongue stuck to Kringle's "North Pole"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2014:
Here's another terror unleashed upon the world thanks to selfie media--

You think being in the Friend Zone is bad, pal? Didn't think it could get worse?

Well, pal, welcome to the "Friend" Zone...

Merry Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2014:
Want real "guilty pleasure"? Okay!
Think Nugent rocks--what can I say?
When I jam, say, "Stranglehold";
tum growls, to put on hold...
Why not throw down Chick-Fil-A?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2014:
Saw the flick "Murder on the Orient Express" recently and realized that the onscreen portrayal of Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot HAD to be an influence on Inspector Clouseau of "The Pink Panther" franchise, as played by Peter Sellers.

Funny how that works, being aware of the parody before the source.

My whole plan was to wallow in the old fashioned Whodunnit suspense, but that was a bit tough, expecting Poirot to clumsily bump into things with his every move...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/21/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Last Ringwood Christmas Tree
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know I'm a big Christmas Guy. While baptized Catholic, I don't consider myself a Christian, so pooh-pooh that if you like, but neither am I a Black Friday-loving, materialistic Christmas bandwagon guy.

I do love the gifting angle. Thinking of others and such, which does tie-in to the "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Man" thing. I love the decorations, too, and the hoopla, carols, TV shows and movies. To me, Christmas is about balance, as most everything in life is. That is, gifts are an important part of Christmas, but only one part. Which is why I'm hard-line about the length of Christmas revelry--no carols, decorations, ANYTHING before Thanksgiving and promptly stuff it all away by the first weekend following New Year's.

Balance. Christmas is special BECAUSE it has a small window. Any jiggering cheapens it, waters it down.

I keep Christmas in an old school way. Verrry old school, as a modern extension of the ancient Yule celebrations. Festivity in the face of Winter's dead earth. Hope and optimism for the slow return of sunlight and the Earth's rebirth in spring, to the individual's, ala Dickens' Scrooge.

For me, the center of Christmas is the Christmas Tree. A symbol of everything Christmas encompasses. Ornaments for festivity, gifts beneath for thoughtfulness toward the common man, the tree itself an anchor of the ages, planted in the ancient nature worship of the Celts and Pagans.

A proper Christmas Tree incorporates ornaments from Christmases past and present, many/most to make the journey into Christmas Trees future. Baubles from recent years to the earliest childhood Christmases, inherited from relatives before your time to those just bought to ensure the continuing evolution of Christmas Trees. Yes, no matter how broke or busy, or how chaotic my life is at Christmas, I put up a Christmas Tree. And I try to make, buy or otherwise procure at least one new ornament for the Tree each year.

This year marks an especially busy and chaotic Christmas Season for me. Perhaps it's a sign of adulthood to use such adjectives for The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. It seems I tell myself every year, "I'd like to do it up more, but things are so crazy this year." The past few years, for me, have went beyond the standard chaos of adult responsibility.

My mother passed away Dec. 1, 2012, rendering that year's festivities a bit off. Last year, my father was in a rehab facility on Christmas, bouncing in and out of hospitals fall and winter, eventually passing away in March, 2014. But I kept a Christmas Tree each year.

When in the college dorms at 18, I didn't keep a Tree. Of course, I knew I'd have one in my parents' home, however. It took me a few years, in fact, after finally moving out on my own to do a Christmas Tree myself. Perhaps, unconsciously, a sign of independence? I started with an artificial Tree for a couple of years, have went real ever since--and haven't missed a year... Well, there was one year, when I was married, when the Wife and I, between homes, lived with her parents for a few months--but the house already had a Christmas Tree, so I don't consider that a "miss."

Being my first Christmas without any parents brings a sad slant to the Season this year. Or it could, if I let it. Okay, honestly, being human, there's been a sad slant to life overall, Christmas included, since my mother passed. And that slant won't be vanishing anytime soon. But there's a glass half-empty/-full equation here, as in life itself, and I take great pains to be a "-full" guy.

My mother passed away on the very day I planned to raise the Tree. I didn't let even that alter my plan.

Christmas is about hope. About reveling in what IS good in the world, about what you DO have. So if your heart's in Christmas despite thousands, millions dying every day through war, starvation, etc., it should be, as well, when someone close to you is a casualty of life.

Yeah, that's not easy. I can't claim that tears didn't fall as I festooned the Tree Dec. 1, 2012. In fact, hanging ornaments bearing personal history perhaps caused more tears than had I forgone the ritual. And, of course, Mom wouldn't have wanted her death, or anything, to interfere with Christmas.

Putting up a Christmas Tree is all about remembering the past--years, homes, experiences and people. Granted, pleasant memories of people no longer in the present come with time. Meaning, it's hard to take a happy walk down Memory Lane with those recently departed. Nonetheless, going through the physical motions helps to bring the mind along eventually. In this case, my mind did come along...then retreated. Then came along briefly again... I did my best.

This year would still be a bit rough as the second Christmas without Mom. Since Dad passed in March, this is also my first Christmas without Dad--and also my first Christmas without parents at all. Dad's death brought on the task of dealing with my family estate, by commuting back and forth between my Chicago home and the home in Ringwood, Illinois. My primary work being seasonal, this meant that summer was almost 50-50 between the two homes. The onset of fall saw me mostly in the country, even more so as we hit winter.

Nonetheless, the back and forth plus the estate duties have made me as busy as I've ever been. Add to this a roommate/renter who has, as I write this, already missed his given move out date by two and a half months, really screwing with the organized schedule for this process, as I need more space to move estate items into my city home, among other things... (That's a whole 'nother story itself.) I myself could've perhaps justified foregoing a Christmas Tree this year.

Perhaps. I'll never know. I did put up My Last Ringwood Christmas Tree.

If my time between the two homes was still split 50-50, I'd need consider putting a tree up in each home. And I did in fact get a desktop Tree for the Chicago digs, along with some Christmas lights. But Christmas, and its Tree, this year resides for me in Ringwood.

Now, it seems ass-backward to haul my Christmas stash from the city, to the country. And while my mother left behind a slew of Christmas ornaments and decorations, I'd already arranged that for a coming estate sale.

I did have a box of ornaments I'd culled for myself, from the family stash, to move back to my city digs. Ornaments from my earliest Christmas Tree memories, including handmade ones, crafted myself in school.

So the easy solution was the most appropriate. While these ornaments from childhood are intended to become part of my evolving Christmas Tree mix, this year, they constitute the entirety of the Christmas Tree decor, 100 percent nostalgia for My Last Ringwood Christmas Tree...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2014:
Thing 'bout "It's a Wonderful Life," guys?
'Mong Christmas tall tales, it's most outsized!
Ghosts, Claus, flying reindeer? Ha!
Got nothin' on Capra--
makes mortgage holders the good guys!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2014:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers still finishing Christmas shopping should keep this in mind--

Buy someone a calendar, and they think of you every day of the year!

Hmm.

Guess the Season's got us all sappy or something.

Of course, we encourage you to make that a nudie calendar or some such...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2014:
Gas stations have these, Nome to Fiji,
receptacles--bin, liquid, squeegee!
Best I can tell, these ensure...
windows are filthy blur?
Big Demand, hard to believe be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2014:
We've found the Missing Link!

You know, the missing piece of evolutionary puzzle between man and ape?

Okay, we don't have the exact being(s) nailed down. But in commuting between Chicago and the country, we've encountered these beings, behind the wheel, that most certainly don't have the intelligence or courtesy to be humans, and yet they're piloting vehicles, so are beyond apes...


******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2014:
'Mid prep for Big Rounds, Santa Claus,
with reindeer, takes safety drill pause!
Gifts 'cross globe, must hurry,
yet he's a bit worried
'bout states with those "Stand Your Ground" laws!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2014:
Merry Extra Cheezy Christmas Eve!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2014:
It's Christmas! Get festive--don't tarry!
Day's mem'ries, forever you'll carry!
Though you should be happy,
let 'little more snap be--
one hol'day, of all, calls for Merry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2014:
From all of us, to all of you, a Very Merry (and Extra Cheezy) Christmas!...

God bless us, every one... With the possible exception of Bill Cosby...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2014:
So some call today, "Boxing Day."
Old Euro- tradition, they say,
with presents boxed, to regift.
Don't help my spirits lift--
Christmas, for year, boxed away...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2014:
(Sigh)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2014:
A dude watched a fashion show, loaded--
got so turned-on, damn near exploded!
Jumped up, grabbed a model;
whipped out his love throttle...
She didn't walk catwalk--but rode it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2014:
We're trying to take solace in the fact that we're still amid the Holidays, what with New Year's still to come, maybe latch onto some festive inspiration there... Heck, we're now within the Holiday Taint.

Between Christmas and New Year's, as the taint is between... Well, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can figure it out if need be.

So.

Happy Extra Cheezy Holiday Taint!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2014:
Past Christmas, more chill than restraint;
back norm, yet, past Holidays, ain't!
Go with naughty bent
or filthy? Content
to rest 'long smooth Holiday Taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2014:
A shill for a family-geared resort serves as a reminder of the importance of line breaks in print and Web ads.

Second line first--

"...Breakfast & Dinner Free!"

But that's in a smaller type size, easily missed under the bold, huge first line--

"Kids Under 12 Eat"

Finally! A resort where the kids aren't just tossed in the woods to forage for themselves while we get his-and-hers massages!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/28/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pfft!
Look at your calendar.

You're lucky I'm even typing this blow-off piffle.

Maybe next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2014:
In Twitter obscurity wallow, fer
attempts to gain readers ring hollow! Were
there only some source where I--
look, how I try and try--
could just buy some Twitter "followers"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2014:
We've been wracking our brains for some time, but still can't find a reason for the existence of Snapchat.

Call us old fashioned, but there's no way in hell pictures will be taken of our Johnsons, regardless of "assurances" of deletion.

Not that apps, or new tech, or, apparently, any inventions whatsoever need a good reason to exist and even be popular, but... Yeah, we're dinosaurs, alright...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2014:
So ambulance runs have no waiting fuss,
we pull roadside when one's parading thus!
I get it; makes sense; okay!
But must we clear the way--
'cross median, whole mile's radius?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2014:
We've come up with an unfortunately sorely needed term in our day and age, for those photos that creepy, exhibitionist girlie men take of their John Thomases--

The "nutsy"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2014:
Babe Twenty-Fifteen soon goes natal,
for Old Man 'Fourteen, proving fatal!
Hey! There's a solution
for lack of res'lutions...
New Years goal for me? Robbing cradle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Year's Eve!...