Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
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missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: January 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2014:
Clock hits New Year, many are downtown!
Most cases, leads-in with a Countdown!
Screw crowds, prices, song-and-dance!
Best lead-in, if you've chance?
Slide into New Year with...Mount-down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Year!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2014:
Like Charlton Heston, I take stand,
for my "gun" that makes me a man!
Firearms ain't my avenue--
my WILLIE you'll get when you
pry it from my cold, dead hands!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2014:
So... Duck Dynasty?

Remember the good ol' days when those whining about the content of TV shows--despite the fact that, you know, one can change channels and such and choose to NOT WATCH a particular offering... Well, remember when the party pooper, poopy-pantses were CONSERVATIVE, not liberal?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2014:
Alaska to China to Texas,
folks' wit? Facebook is where their flex is!
Now, what's this?... Whoah, yikes!
My post got two "likes"
from two--count 'em, TWO--freakin' exes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2014:
Illinois, where, of course, the Chicago, um, offices of Daily Limerick are located, is one of the states that finds legal "medical marijuana" with the start of 2014.

Now, we're all for legalizing marijuana. But "medical marijuana"?

Considering Big Medicine, Big Insurance and the Big Obamacare Disaster... Well, so this is better than leaving pot under the control of drug cartels...how, exactly?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2014:
At grocery store, short shorts showed sparsely
coifed nubile--she'd trimmed off her parsely!
Produce, found was "Helen";
soon thumped her ripe melons
and squeezed avocado to parse she!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2014:
So "medical" marijuana laws are just kicking in here in Illinois, but we're imagining regulations are similar here to other states and... Well.

In most ways, the politicians behind this are unduly squeamish, but regarding allowed amounts for patients... In Illinois, that amounts to 2.5 ounces, per person, every...two weeks?

Who the hell did they consult on this? Snoop Dogg? Willie Nelson's roadies?...

Happy Extra Cheezy--and, apparently, soon-to-be perpetually stoned out of your skull--first Saturday of 2014...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2014:
Job market? Careers? Fast food, rage is!
McD's claims..."competitive" wages?
Guess that'd be correct; give
'em that, term's subjective--
if Chinese sweatshop's what the gauge is!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2014:
In Egypt, a telecom company is under fire for commercials alleged to be sending "terrorist signals."

Those signals coming via Muppet-like characters.

No need to fear, however, here in the U.S.A. Homeland Security is already strip-searching any Muppets trying to board U.S. aircraft.

And having them remove their shoes. And tossing their shampoos. And...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/5/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Hospital Smuggling
Writing these SST entries a week ahead of time, it's sure tempting to blow-off this one, being still amid the Holiday Taint as I scribe.

But with the Holidays still fresh in mind, and certainly missed by Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers at this calendar point in time--and, really, like many, I often leave the tree up until the weekend that follows New Year's anyway... Well, the next SST, topic I planned fits nicely with the Spirit of Giving and all.

Perhaps "Hospital" Smuggling isn't the most spot-on descriptor, but it flows better and... My father was hospitalized after a fall, and for miscellaneoous health issues, the day before Thanksgiving. They kept him there for observation, a week-plus, and to get him rested and back up to speed for a surgical procedure. This R&R included being shuffled from the hospital to a rehab care facility before finally being released to go home.

It was the stint in the rehab facility for which the Smuggling occured.

See, Pops is an old-school, party-hard/play-hard kinda guy. A "Life's measured in enjoyment rather than years" kinda guy. Has a couple stiff drinks after each day's deeds are accomplished and even still smokes at 72 (although he's cut down to a quarter pack a day, or less).

While the rehab was a step up from the hospital, it still isn't home. And, of course, the "customer is always right...only if we say so" industry of Big Medicine (which really should be dubbed Full-On Honkin' HUGE Medicine) won't acccommodate him ducking outside for a smoke or boozing. (In the rehab's defense, their materials say that alcohol is allowed, but must be kept in an office lockup but... Anyhoo.)

Now, my sister lives out in the suburbs/country near Dad, whereas I'm carless in the City of Chicago, which necessitates a rigmarole of bus-train travel to and fro, plus I have many pets (which my renter/roommate would normally care for...except that he's left Dodge for these Big Holidays)... All this means that my sister is stuck with the day-to-day matters of Dad's medical woes--visiting, handling his laundry and such, dealing with hospital/rehab staff and those concerns, feeding his cat left home alone...and such.

This isn't to say I don't do my share. Unlike my sister, I have no kids and spouse duties, plus I have a flexible/unconventional work schedule, so when I DO head out Family Way, I can spend more time, including quality time with the needy cat.

I'm also able to take my dad out for lunch, dinner, a trip back to the house for mail and such or just a drive--something Sis is mostly unable to schedule. Plus, also unlike Sis, I personally understand his Vice Needs.

Now, even if Dad were free of vice, a rehab center (think not QUITE as bad as "The Simpsons'" old folks' home) is something he'd crave escaping. He's far younger and in much better shape than the majority of the rehab inmates, giving him even a greater feeling of, "Let me out!"

So in addition to the chores of his home and basic visitation, I figured that certain duties were in order. Maybe I wasn't the major player picking the rehab center, answering all the needling questions of nurses and such...but I was charged, if self-charged, with the Duty helping him keep his sanity.

When he moved-in to the rehab, per his asking, I stashed some smokes and nicotine lozenges into his belongings bag. The smokes disappeared mysteriously, but I'd procure more and drive him around, if nothing else, for smoke breaks. I got him small, easy-to-conceal booze flasks--and removed his empties from the premises to conceal the trail.

Gotta admit, I felt cool doing this stuff. Reminded me of the tales of Al Capone's pre-Alcatraz prison stay.

I also felt... Well, very Christmas-y about all of this, as this all did occur during the Holidays, after all. Bending over backwards to help family--even risking trouble to do so.

Now, some of you might only snicker at my altruism. You may even accuse me of agitating a health issue.

This story has a happy, Christmas-y ending. My dad recovered much quicker than initial estimates. Both the hospital and rehab stints were shorter than expected. He didn't get out for Christmas (released Dec. 28), but we were able to take him all day for Christmas at my sister's, where we had a downright blessed and, well, Merry Christmas, thankful for everything.

In fact, any surgical procedure wouldn't occur for at least another six months--so the initially "inevitable" serious procedure may not even prove necessary. In any event, he doesn't have to worry about coming home for mere weeks before hitting the Medical Grind again.

Out of one side of its mouth, Big Medicine unveils research trumpeting the positive health effects of The Mental--emotions, happiness, yadda yadda. Out of the other side... Wellness Dogma.

For instance, a hospital stint is, ironically, one of the most emotionally unhealthy settings imaginable. Would allowing/helping an adult to go outside for a legal smoke not perhaps AID recovery and overall health?

Or since Big Medicine itself would agree that family/friend hospital visitation are markedly helpful to health/recovery... Well, consider hospitals' draconian tactics of somehow declaring the FREAKIN' OUTDOORS of their grounds "non-smoking."

Think that doesn't encourage a "I'll visit for a brief as I can get away with" attitude among a certain segment of would-be visitors?

Many factors certainly contributed to Dad's speedy recovery--his overall resolve, excellent staff, luck... But I'm convinced that my Smuggling played a role, as well.

In fact, I'm convinced that smokes and booze played a Major Role...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2014:
Duck Dynsasty--some would dismantle!
Those "activists"--gay-bash, can't handle!
You don't HAVE to watch, my friends!
Nostalgic now for when
RIGHT-wingers couldn't change channel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy...er...Three Kings Day!?!...to all our, um, Mexican Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...few excuses left to extend the "Holidays"...getting that damn tree down today, finally...

Although, you know...Wednesday IS Elvis' Birthday...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2014:
Pot legalization--time's now!
Seems "medical" pot's Cat's Meow!
See doctor and make your plea,
insurance companies...
This beats the drug cartels...how?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2014:
(Sigh.)

Yesterday, we took the Christmas Tree, and all the decorations, down.

(Sigh.)

It has to happen soon after Christmas, to preserve the special nature of it all.

We have our own equation, of sorts. Can keep it up through the first weekend after New Year's, with an extension in cases of... We'll keep our explanation simple--

Our Tree comes down...about the time Big Retail is putting up the decorations for the next Christmas...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2014:
Sports--point males, friend or stranger, 'pon,
can chat! Like, "Whoah--check out that blonde!"
Yet more, though, may quip 'bout,
in public, thing whipped-out...
Naught beats the Male Big Sandwich Bond!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2014:
Knock it off, candy-halfers.

I'm talking about those of you who, when presented with those chocolate box assortment thingies, like to find out what's in each, nibbling away half of various chocolates and leaving the rest to...know which you're eating ahead of time on the next indulgence? I guess?

Chiselers.

I do understand where you're coming from, in a way. Perhaps chocolatiers should place TWO of each type in each slot or something but... C'mon. Being faced with half-eaten chocolates?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Candy-halfers, thankfully, are usually dames I'm dating, so the "eew" factor isn't present but... It's an annoyance. Like when I ask, "You want anything from Wendy's," receive a "No," then find M'Lady swiping fries.

So if Life's truly "like a box of chocolates"...there's some sort of metaphor or something here.

And it's not good, at least for you candy-halfers...

Oh, and Happy Extra Cheezy Elvis' Birthday, while we're at it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2014:
In Egypt, banned ad 'cause--corp., stuff it!--
showed terrorist signals with... Muppets?
Here in U.S., nix dismay!
Vigilant T.S.A.'s
long been strip-searching ALL puppets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2014:
Question for sports fan Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Let's say you watch a Cubs game wherein the team creams its opponent. Say, 30-1.

Would you then say the Cubs have been an awesome baseball team for the past century-plus?

Alright, then. Clam-up with the cracks ala, "So much for Global Warming" when we have one or two cold and/or snowy days...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2014:
Just took Christmas Tree down... O, drear!
Past weekend post-New Year's, time's here.
Like clockwork, my hall's undecked
as Big Retail, unchecked,
decks its halls for Yule THIS year!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2014:
A member of Spain's biggest welfare family, Princess Cristina, is under investigation for...tax fraud?

Seems that bank accounts, valuables and... Royalty? Cheating taxes to save a buck?

Royalty? Needing to save a buck?

Don't these inbreds have all of their expenses taken care of, courtesy of taxpayers?

Just what the hell is she buying?

And who the hell does she think she is with this sublime spending? My ex-wife?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2014:
Miss Bow's first-grade class show-and-tell
brought turn, budding young flasher Mel...
My, what Mel did show!
Took over, Miss Bow--
and game waxed into "Show and Yell"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2014:
Saw an ad for an event dubbed, "Ultimate Arm Wrestling."

You know, folks, you can't just toss the word "Ultimate" onto something and expect it to change the fact that such an event is... Well, such an event is... You see... ZzzzzzZZZzzz...

Happy Extra Cheezy... Zzzzzz... Ahem. Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2014:
Say, Cubs' game, with runs, 'round plate swarming!
Would cent'ry's Cubs' take be reforming
to say, "Top Notch Team"?
So how's day's cold deem
cracks like, "So much for Global Warming"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2014:
Ironically, thanks to ObamaCare, this marks the first time in over a decade that--Chief Limericist checked-in, here--I'm without health insurance.

Who's that at the door? Hold on a second, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Why, it's Sean Hannity!

"No, Sean, this is the DAILY LIMERICK offices, NOT Fox News."

Anyway. Just had to say it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/12/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: One Big Skinny Dip
I'm not entirely sure how I was reminded of skinny dipping amid the deep freeze here in the Midwest. Could be all of the insane "polar plunges" going on around now.

In any event, memory's a nutty thing, science is certainly far from understanding its intricacies and, honestly, I don't think it ever will.

So on with today's tale.

L.V. was my first girlfriend. Actually "girlfriend," but the first girl I called "girlfriend," anyway. The first girl I was officially "going out with."

This being late grade school, "going out with" someone meant... I wasn't quite sure. By and large, it was just a term of pre-courtship, mutual attraction, although I believe rich and/or spoiled and/or latchkey kids actually went on near-"dating" outings, catching rides from older siblings or parents in cases where the "couples" existed within walking distance.

Unfortunately, I was able to work "going out" with L.V. even lamer than typical circumstances dictated. We were all socially inexperienced, but I couldn't even face L.V. I'd high-tail it from, say, the lunchroom when I'd learn that she were coming.

I thought this was normal. Perhaps it wasn't too abnormal, all things considered.

Oh, I spoke to L.V. on the phone and THAT went smoothly. I even asked her to "go out" with me, which is how we attained "going out" status.

So my relationship with my first girlfriend consisted of... Being known as "going out together" among our classmates.

One day I was warned by friends who lived in L.V.'s neighborhood about a nearby boy, B.B., who was sniffin' around her porch of affections.

Then came the rumors. Allegedly, B.B and L.V. had gone skinny dipping.

Then, as now, I wasn't sure how much credence to lend this rumor.

But this ushered in the end of our "romance." I don't recall if I just let it drop, asked L.V. about the truth or what.

Kid-dom brings rapid changes in appearance and I DO recall, soon after, thinking that L.V. wasn't so hot after all. Early acne did a number on her, for starters.

The whole thing left me feeling quite the dweeb, though. My first experience of that too familiar, smack-yourself-in-the-head regret spurring, "What I SHOULD have done was..." At least regarding romance.

I was a One Big Skinny Dip...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2014:
"Ultimate Arm Wrestling"--who'd choose
spend time/money on THAT...'less boozed!
Here's tip for you, kittens, cats--
can't just add "ultimate"
and change fact that things's a snooze!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2014:
Some of us here in the Daily Limerick, um, Towers, always on the lookout for new gigs, have noticed frequent ads seeking "floater teachers."

Sure, they're a scourge and all, but it seems too simple to require an education professional.

Perhaps just bathroom signs or anti-floater PSAs to start?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2014:
Affordable Care Act site? Scare fest!
My coverage dropped! Was unprepared! Mess!
Insurance-less, for now 'fraid--
for first time in decades!
Should call law, "ObamaCareLess"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2014:
Glancing at the calendar we note, one month from today, that St. Valentine's Day 2014 will come with a full moon.

We're sure there's something interesting to say about that confluence of circumstances.

But this qualifies as "content" as is, so mull the particulars yourselves, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2014:
Candy box brings mystery--wheat/chaff blur!
But one type of "peek" brings not laughter!
Open box to spy
been victimized by
a dread villain type-candy-halfers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2014:
On a recent night's snacking excursion, I discovered another of what I like to call "mouth combos."

Was eating some B3, aka "Boston Baked Beans," the peanuts in candy-coated shell, back and forth with some mini-cinnamon rolls and... Wouldn't you know it--

The candy shells of B3 and the cinnamon blended somehow to bring my mouth...that spicy, hot cinnamon candy flavor!

Guess "Eureka!" is in the mouth of the beholder...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2014:
As "medical," pot morphs to cog
of Gov. Machine! Ill'nois pols slog
to catch '80s public 'tudes!
But month's dole's... Five-ounce? Dudes--
who'd you consult here? Snoop Dogg?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2014:
Finally, a sequel has been released to "Reefer Madness."

Just when you thought that kind of attitude was too comically dated for such a thing, this follow-up is being slowly serialized--and it's readily available on basic cable!

Broadcast near-nightly on "The O'Reilly Factor"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2014:
So Princess Cristina, of Spain,
nailed...tax fraud? Can someone explain
how one from top welfare fam
NEEDS more dough OR tax scam?
Hang with my ex-wife, that dame?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2014:
Chief Limericist checking-in, here.

I don't know about you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, but I find it pretty much impossible to get a completely "clean" shave.

Always left with minute traces of stubble-like detritus, somehow.

Facial hair, of course, comes in differently upon the face of individual men. (And women...but we won't go there now.)

For me? I have the hardest time shaving away a "line," of sorts, along my mustache area. This hair is so stubborn, I only need forego shaving a day or so for one woman I know to continually ask, "Are you growing a mustache?"

Partly because I came of shaving age after growing up in the 1970s, a plain mustache, without accompanying beard, always seemed sleazy to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the "ironic hipster mustache" thing going on, and I've tried the look a couple of times, briefly but... This is something with which I must come to terms.

I've pondered for some time the pencil-thin variety, ala Clark Gable or John Dillinger.

One day I may indulge the fact that the Gods of Hair have made my type a Mustache Man...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2014:
There is a young girlie named Abby
who, though her bod's certainly fab-y,
is crazy for taint!
Likes her own with paint--
but gets crabby when it gets stabbied!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2014:
Amusing mistaken TV overhear--

Fallujah-palooza...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2014:
Seems see the job ads every day--
"floater teachers"! Yet I must say...
Sure, toilet scourge--floaters!
But think antidote here's
bit simpler--try first PSAs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/19/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A New Year 2014 First!
Yes, it's the first blow-off edition of 2014!

Hey. There's gotta be a first for everything each year... Prattle at ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2014:
Pot laws creep toward sense--most are glad! 'Less...
way, likes Bill O'Reilly, is had! Guess
he's been in cave 40 years!
His knee-jerk, whackjob fears
bring laughs--it's, "O'Reefer Madness"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2014:
Cold spells--social lives, some abort!
Warm-up? Many leap to cavort!
But knuckleheads, mostly guys,
bare flesh? First, plain unwise--
need not see THAT! Bag the shorts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2014:
So "American Idol" is apparently considering, or decided upon (seriously you can't expect us to actually RESEARCH the Future Trivia Question Answer Contest)...cutting the "blooper" segment of the show?

You know, where bad singing makes the rest of the show's awful-cover-tune-with-annoying-show-off-yodeling near-tolerable?

Unsure why we're even taking the time to comment on this. We can't imagine a scenario where we'd actual tune-in to the show...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2014:
Oft, morn routine, tune-in, say, news ta'
keep-up--and mishear in half-snooze a
phrase of pundit speaking!
One day set me freaking--
thought I heard, "Fallujah-palooza"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2014:
Embarrassingly enough, enjoying lunch recently the top button popped off my pants.

So you could say I went to Arby's--and a cartoon broke out...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2014:
"Idol's" numbers just keep on waning!
Cut...bloopers? In hope of sustaining
the 'tweens who're still viewing?
Channel surfers screwing--
axed sole part that's near-entertaining!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2014:
Some folks are under fire in Maryland for conducting an exorcism on babies, which ended up ending the infants' lives.

Guess you could call this a, "Faith-Based Initiative"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2014:
Met guy, said I looked like a hit man,
at party! 'd'Put most in a snit, man!
But I live by my own rules--
flattered! Made me feel cool!
Look like hit man? That's the shit, man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2014:
So the review's about three years late, but I've gotta say--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--that "Bad Teacher" is a brilliant flick.

Oscar-worthy! Especially the performance of Cameron Diaz, a veritable thespian etude! Why, it's the "Citizen Kane" or our generation, it's... Okay, so watching Cam on-screen gets me dizzy.

But I still found it a great movie...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2014:
My love nuggets freezing in wind!
But don't worry, girls--quash chagrin!
From warm house, one goes in
to cold! They're flash-frozen--
and process locks the flavor in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2014:
Whoo-hoo!

Only ELEVEN MONTHS until Christmas!

Ahem.

(Sigh)...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2014:
Cat pees on bed...sit there and glower.
What can you do? "Pet" seizes power!
While some dig pee--sure not me--
not THIS kind, for this be
more of an "off-golden shower"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2014:
There's "networking"...and then there's "nut-working."

The latter... Well, is apparently something I engage in, pretty much whenever I attempt socializing, especially dating...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/26/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Night My Dad Almost Busted My Electric Bass Guitar
I've written copiously about my parents in this space over the past year or so, spurred by my mother's death in late 2012 and recent health concerns of my father. So a part of me is hesitant to rehash a less-than-warm-and-fuzzy family memory.

But reality is reality and the incident reflects negatively on myself as well, perhaps more so than on my dad and... We're all human. Plus, I touched upon the friction between Dad and I over creative career goals in recent musings on my Rock Star Dreams and current musical project, so... The incident, as they say, speaks for itself.

Dad's practical minded, right-brain oriented. His parents were poor and under-educated, thus he decided early on that money was perhaps the most important component of the subjective ideal of "success." His fatherly advice repeatedly extolled saving money, investing, avoiding credit card debt, etc.--and against unstable career paths, such as when I pursued those Rock Star Dreams many moons ago.

Curiously, though, he always encouraged me to become a writer. His exception proving the rule, perhaps, or somehow writing seemed outside of the flaky, uncertain realm of The Arts to him.

He also decided that he wanted to fly airplanes as a young child, pursuing that dream despite general uncertainty at the time as to where such industries were headed. So that's perhaps incongruous...or just human.

In any event, those Rock Star Dreams existed among a slew of adolescent rebellion factors. I was growing my hair longer, staying out later, getting traffic tickets, dropping high school sports and otherwise engaging in the general parental rebellion of most teenagers.

My high school heavy metal band, or perhaps "band," never amounted to much of anything. Played cover tunes at a party once. But we were successful at being known as a band, acting like a band and such. Spent a lot of time pondering such matters as album cover art and costumes.

I worked at Long John Silver's in high school and during breaks through my first year of college. I don't recall whether this event was senior year or during college. The friend who got me the LJS job was the "singer" in our "band." An LJS coworker, "E," was a she-metal head and interested in contributing. She worked up drawings/designs for our never-realized costumes, in fact.

One night after a closing shift at LJS, E invited us to a party, where we were to meet another metal band and their peeps. We attended. Had a good time for a while. But eventually we realized the band was a Slayer-esuque, devil-worship type of group and... Well, that's not what we were shooting for. At all.

Now, of course, heavy metal's mystique, in general, wallowed in the magical, mystical and, yes, evil but... In most cases, that angle was mere setting. As horror movies don't advocate, say, serial killing, heavy metal then mostly used the devil stuff for scary thrills. Or, as in the case of Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osbourne, used Satanic imagery to color things like war.

Even many of the "kill your grandma" Satan-metal bands, as we dubbed them, used the angle as pure act and nothing more. But these guys at E's party... They were weird. And their few groupies were just as weird. So we kept to ourselves as a "band," partook a good deal of the beer and cut the evening short. Well, short-ish.

Upon which point I discovered that multiple tires on my car had been deflated.

Now, the passage of time muddies exactly what transpired--whether the air was simply let-out of the tires or whether one or more were punctured... It was a simple fix, however. Repair-wise, nothing more than a small patching was required. But it was...well, after midnight, making repair shops closed, access to band members' garages curtailed, etc. Not to mention we were all broke, or at least unable to foot the bill for a tow truck or what-have-you.

So my "singer" and I called our parents. And were scolded. And were greeted with a "solve your own mess" attitude. Which I understood, even wallowing amid angsty teen rebellion.

As I'm writing this, I struggle to recall exactly how we got home that night. I think, but am not sure, that we called another "band" member who came and drove us?... Likewise, I don't remember exactly how the car situation was solved. I believe it sat overnight and I and my dad, or perhaps I and my "guitarist," fixed the tire problem ourselves.

I do recall coming home that night. And receiving a less-than-hero's welcome.

I did not witness my dad almost busting my bass guitar, only heard about it, after the fact, from Mom. In my dad's mind, I'd went from honor student and school athlete to long-haired trouble-maker for SOME reason, and the Rock Star Dreams were blamed. (Well, I continued to make honor roll throughout high school, but... You get it.)

Reportedly, my father went upstairs to my bedroom, grabbed my bass guitar--the physical manifestation of my Rock Star Dreams-carried it downstairs, opened the door to the basement and was ready to toss the bass down the long stairway...until Mom talked reason into him.

Adding extra color to the mental picture, I believe the bass was still in the thick cardboard box it came in (it took me a while to save the dough for a real guitar case), styrofoam peanuts and all.

Had Mom failed in her appeal, or hesitated a moment, or Dad been just a hair more pissed-off... It was that close to sailing down the stairway. Which probably would have at least damaged the bass.

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2014:
"Bad Teacher" review! (Late...'s'no crime!)
The "Citizen Kane" of our time!...
Bit much, sure, but, though review
had help from small head, true--
comic chops 'proach bod's sublime!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2014:
Okay, so we all know about the modern phenom of "butt dialing," right?

Well social media brings us a similar occurrence we're calling, "butt posting."

Only, curiously enough, these ones are not accidental...we think, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2014:
From Maryland kooks, this news dish to give--
exorcism, through which tots did not live!
Guess this helps explain
a term wracking brain...
Is that what's a "faith-based initiative"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2014:
Do any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know... Does The Groundhog take bribes?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2014:
Showdown with fast food at High Noon!
Stuffed self so, head started to swoon!
In fact, was such glutton,
off came my pants button--
and suddenly, out broke cartoon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2014:
Enough with the "fresh" already!

Subway says, "Eat fresh." Ads for everything from Old El Paso to grocers and their "fresh" markets and such... Isn't that, you know, inherent? Okay, not that health inspectors, the FDA, etc., are infallible entities, of course, but... Please. Shut up.

And this is supposed to sell stuff?

Why not, "Subway-it's edible!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2014:
Term, "networking," drives me berserk! Rings...
scoldy-corporate? Brown-nosing jerk's thing!
I do it, though term's grating,
but career, like dating...
Well, seems more like I'm "nut-working"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2014:
So this kid in Colorado wants to kill himself, and he wants to do it in school, for whatever reasons and... Another one of THOSE, you're thinking?

Well, you'd be wrong.

He set himself on fire.

Now, of course, this is tragic. Awful. But in this day and age, we're increasingly craning our necks to discern those silver linings.

So... Not only did the kid keep his suicidal urge to himself--as in not feeling he had to take others out with him, inexplicably all the rage in suicidal hepness these days--but he totally avoided the now tired cliche and deserves points for originality!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2014:
Your phone calls someone--as if ghost rings!
Dubbed, "butt dialing"--pants' rear's cell hosting!
New term, all the rage--
with twist, Facebook Age...
its purposeful cousin, "butt posting"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2014:
We're sick and tired, here at Daily Limerick, of pop culture twisting our traditions and belief systems, more and more each year, into consumerist frenzy.

This year it's the damn Super Bowl. We're in danger of, one day, facing a world where the very meaning of the day is lost to future generations.

Fed up! Fed up with this War on Groundhog's Day!...