Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: March 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2014:
A raging nympho who had tried to pull
so many sex stunts, landed 'side a full-
on psych institution!
Her dildo solution?
An evidence-melts-away icicle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2014:
You can't spell "March" without "Charm"!

Of course, in the Social Media Age, few people practice the lost art of proper spelling, but charm and etiquette have been on the wane for some time, too, so it all makes sense...

Happy Extra Charmingly Cheezy Saturday!...

*******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2014:
Held tongue; must chime-in now... Haiku?
Count beats? Lame! And easy to do!
Call me anti-Japanese--
not, just seems poets be
copping out. On form, I poo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2014:
While we've decried them, "robo-calls" actually make perfect sense, considering the U.S. is a nation of mostly partisan robo-voters...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/2/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Adventures of Bumblebee Bladder
The, um, er, superhero mentioned in today's title indeed refers to me.

I don't empirically have a bumblebee-sized bladder, of course. I just whiz with ridiculous frequency.

Living in modern human society--wherein one is to urinate in appointed places at proper times--this oft causes problems. Thus I've "hung a hog," as some say, in all sorts of unconventional places--alleys, yards, bottles, cups, etc.--and even altered plans to accommodate.

For example, I was really worried when starting up my recent main gig, as a tour guide, over being on a bus conducting a tour for up to two hours at a pop

It has worked out fine, but I do carefully monitor my liquid intake before those gigs. Especially morning gigs, when ingesting large amounts of coffee is necessary beforehand.

There are actually instances where I've turned to espresso for its less-liquid-for-the-caffeine nature to handle early engagements entailing significant time away from a restroom. I've considered becoming a regular espresso guy, but I've been known to go a little caffeine crazy and... You get it, so I'll nip that digression in the bud.

Part of my problem is a natural proclivity to ingest beverages all day long. Coffee and juices in the morning, tea in the afternoon, milk with dinner, a cola while relaxing after a hard day and water on the side through it all. Yeah, I'm a man of ridiculously predictable routines. But sometimes I'll switch things up with a different type of caffeinated beverage, or grab hot chocolate or a milkshake or a Slurpee or what have you.

Ingesting copious amounts of liquids is one off those things, like avoiding processed foods, that's healthy yet difficult to maintain in modern society. But it's not the sole reason for my bathroom-bound status. And I do indeed have a small, if not bumblebee-sized, bladder--it's not a negative health issue. Just the way it is. Some people are short, I have a small bladder. I've suffered from this throughout my life.

I remember a day from childhood when my grandpa was watching me for the day. When my mother arrived to relieve gramps of duty, he told her, "You'd better get that kid checked-out; he's constantly going to the can!" My mom did indeed seek a doctor's opinion on the matter. No problems were found, I was just... Well, Bumblebee Bladder.

In First Grade, or perhaps Second Grade, I remember repeatedly asking the teacher to use the bathroom, only to be denied and... Peed my pants. Had to visit the school nurse, have Mom come by with a change of pants.

A little later in grade school, Mom received a call one day from the principal asking whether I had a medical problem because... The recess monitor wouldn't let me hit the john, so I peed in one of those honkin' truck tires set-up as playground material. And was caught.

Once, during my first attempt at college (a hideous failure due to self-medication experimentation), I stopped to utilize a bush during the long walk home from a kegger and was stopped and frisked by a cop. "There have been some burglaries in the area and, as a warning, homeowners don't take kindly to a stranger in their yards, late at night, with his pants down."

I full-on pissed my pants once as an adult, during my alcoholic phase. Chugging beer all day, took a quick drive to the store for more and... Well, couldn't make it home. Growing up in the country, I've watered many a tree while keeping an eye out for passersby--around the home/yard, in parks and such or on the roadside. Sometimes I'd have to go so bad that I'd pull partway up my parents' long driveway, decide I couldn't wait to enter the house, stop the car and drain the ol' dragon right there. Was nailed by the parents doing such on more than one occasion. (They were more amused than anything.)

Once I boarded a Chicago bus, headed downtown from my North Side neighborhood, only to exit about 3/4ths of the way because I had to go SOOO bad. Ducked into an alley--broad daylight, weekday work hours--and just hoped to hell I wouldn't be nabbed. Just hadda freakin' wee.

Had to wait for a bus all over again--and pay a second fare. Thinking about it now, perhaps I just walked the rest of the way... In any event, testimony that, although I've mostly learned to work around it, Bumblebee Bladder is no laughing matter.

Okay. I've went too far. It IS a laughing matter but... It also can really suck. It carries its own form of neurosis at times. Knowing my limitations, I'll often conduct preemptive strikes. Before something enjoyable--sitting down to eat or watch TV, perhaps--I'll take a pee, even if I don't feel the urge, to stave off an inconvenient call of nature.

And pausing sex to hit the Little Boys' Room... Okay, it's still a laughing matter. But not to me. At least not at the time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2014:
This winter just on and on drags! Ya'd
think, by this point, 'least start to lag! Bah!
I think Old Man Winter's
got eyes all a'glint fer
that dude must be poppin' Viagra!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2014:
So here we are in March.

And we have the "In like a lion" thing down pretty well, for starters...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2014:
Check in, Facebook, to post wha'sup...
Did note red line? Spellcheck, young pups!
Chime in? Why see need to, uh...
Spell? Social media?
Sometimes, I crack myself up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2014:
Lent now; just what CAN you eat--scroonchy
goes brow--breakfast, dinner, snack, loonch-y?
Not sure just what Lent condones,
so guess you're on your own!
Me? I'll hit leftover paczki!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2014:
Made a pot of chili this last weekend.

Came out delightfully. But my favorite thing about it--and all spicy hot foods?

That warming feeling in the tummy. Hell, it warms the whole chest cavity.

Not sure if there's a scientific validation for this feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah--I have the Internet at my fingertips and all, but sometimes it's better to just ponder such matters.

While, of course, enjoying a warm tummy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2014:
When calendar brings March around,
old adage rings simply profound--
"in lion, out lamb."
But this year? Whoah, man!...
Well, sure got the "lion" part down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2014:
Bitcoin.

He hee.

Marvelous place to put your money for an investment in the future.

At least if the lottery is too fun, and not geeky enough, for you...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2014:
Election year--on us, pols dote fer
now. Flood, robo-calls--from remote irk!
Guess Moron Majority
falls for their whoring pleas!
Why not? Most are robo-voters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2014:
Whoooooah, Nelly! Talk about your personal emergencies, here in the Daily Limerick, um, Towers.

You may find us "phoning it in," for the near future, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Hell. Even worse. We may even be "TEXTING it in"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2014:
A fam'ly death left fella grieving;
many sympathies was receiving--
much of that from dames!
Grief not fully tamed--
but he turned some grieving to beave-ing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2014:
What's that huge, glowing object up in the sky?...

Happy Extra Cheezy (and "Twilight Zone"-like) Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2014:
When life's rough, old saying's extolled--
"Times try men's souls." Lo and behold!
Walk lots, chicks and fellers
who are city dwellers--
so such times also try men's SOLES!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Day...er, Start of a Long String of Days Where We're All Completely Screwed Up Over the Pointless, Farm-Based-Society/War Effort Ritual Known as "Daylight Savings Time"!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/9/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Grieving Day
As in, Sunday Story Time, and its writer, our Chief Limericist, will be taking a grieving day this time around.

Next week's edition will explain more...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2014:
Folks, seriously, what's with Bitcoin?
Just for geeks with social unfit loins?
There "currency" hoard?
With so few aboard?
Pure, geek wet dream that only twits join!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2014:
Witnessed a McDonald's-based protest recently--for increased wages, unionization, etc. etc. blah yadda.

In Spanish.

Signs and all. Now, granted, most of the workers at said Micky D's were of the Spanish-speaking persuasion.

And we're certainly not of the Build-A-Border-Fence crowd, but with all the difficulties activists today have in getting ANYBODY to stop texting and pay attention... Well, we'd figure it best to keep protests to the majority... But what do WE know. We're actually holding back on "selfies" so as not to appear ego-mad...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2014:
When workers indulge sloth as sin,
they "phone it in," blows cliche wind!
But I'm so damn frazzled,
won't dare try to dazzle--
in fact, why, I'm TEXTING it in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2014:
So that U.S. Army general who's in the news for a number of policy violations... Okay, one of them is "possession of pornography."

Oh, we could crack wise and toss two cents around in a number of directions here, but who the hell "possesses" pornography anymore, what with the Internet and... Well, so we're told. By, you know, those who use pornography and such...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2014:
Hot, spicy foods--rest'raunt, home, deli!
Feel good--don't care what science tells me!
I physically feel the heat,
bringing an extra treat--
lingering warm glow in belly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2014:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Those ever-changing, confusing as all hell, customer-be-damned, fast food menu boards that are all the rage now?

A few years ago, on was a paid focus group participant on the topic.

But don't blame me! I gave them a huge thumbs-down.

Which may explain why I'm not getting any of those paid focus group opportunities anymore, come to think of it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2014:
Army gen'ral busted for messing wit'
"possessing porn"--norm, but no Work Thing fit!
Of course uses porn--he's male--
but understand, I fail...
'Net Age? View, sure--why "possessing" it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2014:
Here in Chicago, they've recently added those hanging straps to our subway trains. The type passengers reach up and grab, for balance and stability on their rides.

Because, of course, they're sooo New York. And if it's New York, it's gotta be good.

Right?

Ehhhh.

Like Big Apple pizza, flimsy and subpar, but better than nothing, we suppose...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2014:
March roars in dishing Winter's harm!
By end, with warmth, Winter's disarmed!
Strange calendar scene!
Not sure what it means
but you can't spell "March" without "charm"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2014:
There's really no better excuse for skimping on content than the day before your father's funeral...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2014:
Hep cat led a gangster-themed tour;
bus-front dame brought him thoughts impure!
She was so enamored
with his expert banter--
the Gangster Tour turned Gangster Do-'er

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2014:
There's really no better excuse for skimping on content than the day of your father's funeral...

Happy Extra Cheezy...er, Pensive Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2014:
As Winter begins long goodbye
and Spring, to emerge, starts to try...
So long since last change!
Hey! What is that strange
object glowing--up in the sky?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2014:
There's really no better excuse for skimping on content than the day after your father's funeral...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/16/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Eulogy for my Father, John Harry Biederman, 1941-2014
When writing a eulogy for somebody, one easy way to get started is to pick a trait, or experience, or skill--something rare about the person, or his life, that set him apart from the crowd. This special something can not only frame a eulogy's opening, but often even the entire speech.

The problem with memorializing my father is that... Well, pick just ONE trait, experience or skill that made him unique? I'd be hard pressed to pick just a dozen! Anyone who knew him on but a cursory level knows he was most prominently known as a United Airlines captain, and a navy fighter pilot and officer before that. Those who knew him on a level deeper than acquaintance probably knew he was a brilliant financial investor and that he himself designed the unique house in Ringwood that my sister Dawn and I have now inherited.

But even all of these things barely begin to relate the legacy of John Harry Biederman.

You name it, and he probably did it--and at an expert level. He left behind a number of very good paintings--that he, himself, had painted. My mother was the cook ninety-nine-plus percent of the time, but he'd whipped-up some scrumptious omelets on occasion and his pizza? A perfectionist, he painstakingly researched, through trial and error, the "perfect" pizza crust and, quite honestly, the best pizza I've ever tasted was the result.

Yes. The best pizza I've ever tasted was crafted by my German-Polish father. And anybody who knows me knows that I'm a huge food aficionado. In fact, my dad initially taught my mother to cook. He sewed and created clothing, cut hair and... Well, he wasn't the greatest barber. Dawn and I sported Moe Howard hairdos in the '70s. Which we still talk and giggle about, frequently.

See, when someone, like my dad, is good at everything--well, almost everything--you jump all over him for those rare failings. Which is why we relentlessly rehashed his most amusing mishaps in the art of spelling.

On a personal level, my father was extremely private--toward everybody. Even my mother would say things like, "I know such-and-such bothers him, not that he'd ever talk about it." And so I feel extremely privileged, even as his son bearing the same name, to have witnessed some rare glances into the man behind the accomplishments, which usually came while relaxing by the roaring fireplace at night.

Whenever dad went to sea in the Navy, he'd fear that it'd be the last time he'd see my mother. He evolved into a financial whiz because it pained him to witness his own parents' monetary struggles growing up. And beneath his tough exterior, he was a big softie toward all types of animals.

When squirrels began besieging our home, his first instinct was to trap them and drive 'em out to a park. He'd save birds that crashed into our house's windows and once enlisted me to carry dozens of baby turtles down to the safety of the pond, so they wouldn't be eaten by predators. Believe it or not, but this Navy fighter pilot clipped Garfield comics from the newspaper to put on the refrigerator. Before buying his final pet, he required my promise to care for her in the event of his passing.

And so the newest member of my family is a very spoiled cat named Flo.

As a race, we human beings continue to evolve. And that's, by and large, a wonderful thing. Prevailing wisdom dictates that dad shouldn't have been "shackled" by the need to appear macho and strong to the world. That he should've talked about his emotions, "vented" his fears, "unbottled" his emotions. To which I say...maybe.

Dad's attitudes are now viewed as "old-fashioned." Many would go so far as to call his private nature, like his penchant for a couple of drinks after a hard day's work, "outdated" and even "unhealthy."

Sure. If Dad would've changed some habits and relieved stress regularly through "venting," we might have had him around longer. MIGHT have, being the operative term. We don't know what Fate has planned for us. Perhaps the building housing a touchy-feely support group he might've attended would've caught fire and took Dad even earlier. We don't know.

I grew up hearing Dad's jokes and anecdotes about how Life wasn't about "going the distance" but about getting the most out of it. By that rating, Dad lived to 150.

I'm not immune to society's evolution myself. I'm largely private, emotionally, but don't feel that talking about my emotions, on occasion, is taboo. I have my own vices, but place a greater importance on healthy lifestyle than Dad did.

But at the same time, I think we're in danger of losing something along the way. Every step toward a Uniform Code of Wellness is also a step away from individuality. And I'm far from the only man who's confused about just what "being a man" means in our modern, enlightened age.

When I do get confused about being a man in our touch-feely new world, I look to the finest example of "being a man" that I know. Thank you, Dad.


******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2014:
After today, many be draggin'--
post-St. Paddy's tippin' o' flagon!
In fact, between hurling
oaths folks be unfurling--
pledging to hop St. Paddy's Wagon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2014:
McDonald's protest--working man's wish
list! For wages, et. al...in Spanish?
While I sympathize,
don't they realize...
Not English? Your message will vanish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2014:
Let's set this matter straight, here and now.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who are sports fans know that, while we fully support the idea of "true" sports fans, and pooh-pooh the "fair-weather" sort... Well, there's an exception for the Chicago Cubs.

Can't win a championship in more than a century? All fandom rules are off. There should be NOBODY buying a ticket to Wrigley Field... Okay. They have concerts and such there, but NOBODY should pay to see the Cubs until... Okay, at least playoff games that MIGHT lead to a World Series.

Now we're hearing this talk around Chicago about fair-weather Blackhawks fans. Of course, the Blackhawks have been kicking ass for a few years now. But... And here's another exception to the true fan thing--

When the rat bastard owner yanks the TV coverage. Ala Blackhawks former owner Bill Wirtz, may he rest in... Ahem.

Seriously. You Blackhawks fans prattling on as if fans should've followed the team during its Dark Ages, pre-, what... 2008 or so? Via strange twist in Fandom Law, YOU are the knuckleheads.

It's one thing to be a true fan. Quite another to actually drink the Cubs Aid...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2014:
Fast-food menus, focus group, we
picked... Move-change constant? Trick to see?
Rightful grumps please note
that wasn't MY vote!
('S'that why no more gigs offered me?)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2014:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have undoubtedly inferred that my father passed away this month.

Chief Limericist, here.

A little known subset of an inherited estate happens to be food.

Frozen, canned, dried, snacks.

It's the little things that keep you going.

Dad wouldn't want it to go to waste.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2014:
Official--today, Spring's song's sung!
As rule, not rushed for sun's hot tongue...
But this Winter's freeze-then-snow,
back-and-forth, bad way blows--
I'm wildly cheering Spring sprung!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Spring, 2014!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2014:
Chi-Town public trans apes Big Apple--
trains, buses now riders' hang strap-full!
Like 'za, fair--but flimsy!
Such thinking? O, whimsy!
New York means "best"? Concept, of crap's, full!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2014:
The latest cultural institution to announce a writer's residency is... Amtrak?

Our gut reaction was a crack about how most forced to travel by cross-country train aren't even literate, but considering the state of writers' careers at this point... It makes perfect sense...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2014:
"I'll dress in style...but I've no clue!"
swore dork Kurt--then spied peep-toed shoes
on fash'nable passerby...
Peep-head pants look, ass tried!
Fashion world wasn't amused!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2014:
Saw one of those Facebook campaign/page thingies urging people to "like"/join backing the message, "I'm Against Animal Cruelty."

So, you have to specifically come out and back such a thing?

Now I'm ridden with anxiety awaiting more of these. As it stands, I'm apparently a big supporter of child molestation until I can "like" against it!... Hurry, someone!...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of Spring 2014!...


******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2014:
Amtrak--public trans of damned be!--
unveils... Writer's Residency?
Guess, in 'Net Age culture
we writers are vultures--
temp home can help, 'mid bankruptcy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2014:
Now... Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I've been driving regularly lately, having inherited a car and an ex-burban home and... Let's not digress.

Growing out in the country, sharing a car with the ex-wife (although it was mostly "hers"), living in Los Angeles for a year, moving back and forth via car cross-county a couple of times... I have quite a bit of driving time under my belt, and in different regions of the U.S.A.

So what's with our highway system?

Oh, I could digress in a number of areas, but today we'll stick to signage.

I have no degree nor experience in metropolitan planning or yadda blah, but pure common sense would tell me that it'd be nice to give plenty of heads-up on upcoming, major highway exits. Oh, and that you might want to make clear the highway numbers of roads that also bear local names. You know, when in doubt, have the signage bear any and all names for such routes.

But really, I'm just a common schmuck.

You know, a guy who pays the salary of these knuckleheads through chiseling tolls and such.

Oddly enough, I'll admit, the toll collection system seems to be extraordinarily well organized...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/23/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Seriously?
Uh-uh.

No way in hell I have time for this right now.

Details will undoubtedly leak out here in SST, but for now, we'll leave it at that.

Slap and Yap at ya' next week...or sometime soon...or soon-ish...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2014:
True sports fans? Exception for Cubs--
one hundred years? Real fans SHUN club!
Claim wagon-jump, Blackhawks fans?
'Ception here, understand...
Bill Wirtz Age--Dark Ages dubbed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2014:
Living in Chicago, with most family out in the suburbs/country where I grew up, certain landmarks become near-subconsciously familiar.

Ala... Well, "Turn left at the 'Las Vegas Showgirls' club."

That always brings me a mild titilation. Just passing it.

Anyway, in recent years that establishment was replaced by one of those "Cash for Gold" joints.

We don't imagine that folks check Daily Limerick for analysis of the Big Economic Picture, but there ya' have it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2014:
Take highway? See if you can find
name--local AND number... Keep tryin'!
Main government biz there's
'bout role as toll chiselers--
it's silly to 'spect proper signs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2014:
So a real friend of mine, also a Facebook "friend," posts on his wall that a relative had a heart attack, asking others to pray for her.

Chief Limericist here. How are ya'?

Out of habit, I "like" the comment and... Hmmm.

Liking news of a friend's relative's heart attack?

In all fairness, I didn't really LIKE it, only "liked" it and... Can we rewind and restart the world without social media, please?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2014:
Dealing with a fam'ly estate,
brings much to do--while grieving Fate!
This/that--keep or sell?
Load means food as well--
thus lit'rally, too, much on plate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2014:
The best thing about driving a lot again, after many moons as a non-driving city dweller?

I can finally try some of those fast-food joints that are never in my urban path. Without naming names, some of those whose commercials make my mouth water--and have for years?

It's the little things in life, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers…


******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2014:
An'mal cruelty send me to rage!
But in Social Media Age,
assumed I support it--
perhaps, from, get snorts-kicks--
until I "like" damn Facebook page?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2014:
So the Kardashians faced an intruder this week.

The intruder in question was reportedly given psychiatric analysis.

Yeah, something's obviously wrong with the guy.

He somehow felt he had to intrude upon the Kardashians?

How could anybody--even folks who mysteriously find some sort of entertainment value in their antics--feel they need MORE Kardashians?

We try--oh, how we try--to avoid those knuckleheads, but they "intrude" upon everything...newspapers, social media, non-E! Network television...I hear mentions of those ego maniacs on sportscasts, for Elvis' sake...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2014:
Kardashians--intruder dude! Brings,
'pon self, psych analysis cued! Thing's,
How's anyone need more Ks?
I try to shun, but nay--
all media, they're intruding!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2014:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have undoubtedly figured out that my father passed away early this month.

If you didn't catch the little tip-offs, one'd think the publication of my eulogy to him in Sunday Story Time would've hinted enough.

Anyway... A lot of paperwork, and mail sorting, the latter task bringing a shill to increase life insurance for my father...from a company that was notified of my father's death more than a week prior.

This wasn't a fluke. Today's computerized, multimedia Shill Machine has brought all manner of faux pas, including from the very hospital in which my father died.

One hand doesn't... Well, on hand doesn't give a shit what the other's doing.

I know, I know. Technology is still evolving. They simply can't eliminate these creepy coincidences with what we now know.

It's not like these entities yet have the ability to cross-reference your purchases and demographic info to a T to get maximum profit selling said info to just the right corporate chiselers or anything like that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2014:
In Malibu, Pete read a poem,
to score with chick--'fact, whipped out tome!
As base-to-base, quest did gain,
came a torrential rain--
so did mud-slide into Home!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2014:
Can we remake an old edition of Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin'? We have been around for almost 15 years now.

Or can we "rework" some classic...say something by Ogden Nash? Give it an annoyingly modern angle and generally destroy it?

If not, why? Nobody bats an eye when they do similar things in Hollywood...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2014:
Late March! Once more, missed marking Ides!
But weather nixed things I'd have tried...
Yet, changing the spelling,
"Ides" to "I'd's"? Fest wellspring--
like, "I'd have girldwatched"; "...gone outside"...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2014:
Well, we blew it again.

Missed getting in on all the hoopla and ballyhoo over the Ides of March this year.

To assuage regret, however, we're marking the "I'd's" of March.

For instance--

"I'd take a long-awaited, spring walk by the lake...but it's too cold."

"I'd head out to an urban bench with reading material for some girl watching but...everyone's still wearing coats and such!"

Etc., etc...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/30/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: O, The Humanity!
As personal lives go, too--when it rains...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2014:
Through highway landmarks, tales are told--
e'en Big Picture statements quite bold!
"Turn left--'Vegas Showgirls'"
gleaned much of Finance world--
when joint transformed to, "Cash for Gold"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2014:
With all the new laws governing cell phone usage while driving, in the name of generating Politicians' Mad Money...er, in the interests of public safety, here's our Public Service Announcement to fellow Americans behind the wheel--

It's "HANDS-free," not "brain-free"...