Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: May 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2014:
Is this some tourism brain fart? Meant
joke? "Visit Detroit"? Where's their heart went?
'Fore anybody
takes this ser'yously...
Where's warning from the State Department?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2014:
Bombardier to pilot... Bombardier to pilot... (Happy Extra Cheezy May Day, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!)...

Take a moment to stop and dance around the May Pole, won't you?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2014:
Live comedy show using...Twitter?
Live shows--for rare free time to fritter!
Folks go to escape--
so world stress you ape?
They come for break from Great iShitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2014:
We've noticed that every bank is a "Member of FDIC." Meaning that citizen account holders are insured against bank robberies and such by the U.S. Federal Government.

This was undoubtedly a big deal back around the Great Depression. You know, before they started this FDIC stuff. Actually, of course, the Great Depression is WHY they started it up.

But today... ARE there any non-FDIC banks? Other than your mattress or Bitcoin?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2014:
A lad felt new urge with spring breeze,
so Pops gave him talk, boy-on-knee...
Soon boy of straight As,
lived 'mid hormone haze--
learned firsthand of the, "Birds and Bs"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2014:
We're guessing that a Chicago area's big highway isn't the only one named, "The John F. Kennedy Expressway," AKA simply, "The Kennedy."

And we're guessing it's because, navigating it, you start to wish you'd be shot in the head, ala Kennedy...

He hee... "EXPRESSway"... Whom do they think they're kidding?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2014:
"Rape culture"? Term everyone's aping!
Dare question? Shock! Eyes wide, mouths gaping!
If whole culture causes deed--
no such thing as bad seed--
why've I no urge to go raping?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2014:
Chief Limericist, here.

So, sure, I/we bitch about social media quite a bit. But... Well, I try to hold off a bit, but sometimes I just gotta... Okay.

One of the supposed "good things" about Facebook is it resource as a meeting place. As in tasty numbers of the opposite (or preferred) sex.

I post a witty doo-dad every day and recently FINALLY got some flirty attention from THREE "friends."

One, a guy. Not that there's anything WRONG with that...except there is, for me.

Two? A woman forty years my senior.

Three? Underage, junior high jailbait.

Thanks, Facebook.

With dating options like these, who needs the men's room at the Greyhound bus depot?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/4/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Dancing Around the May Pole!
Yup. Still at it; catch you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers next time around...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2014:
When on the lam, hideout's a must!
Assume not a soul you can trust!
The smartest of crooks
go where none would look--
in profile upon Google Plus!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2014:
Every year, in recent ones anyway, for my birthday, I've been giving myself a gift.

A Life Gift, I guess you'd call it.

Chiefy here.

Last year, I finally solve, mostly, sorta, my employment situation that had been struggling through the Great Recession.

Before that, I retooled an old novel.

This year? Let's just say that with spring in the air, rather than the Great American Novel, I'm not hard at work seeking the Great American Navel...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2014:
"FDIC Member" banks be
proclaiming, as if rarity!
Org. came from Feds, lesson
learned by Great Depression...
ARE any "Non-FDIC"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2014:
If you're going to land a sweet gig as a sex advice columnist in this day and age, you'd better be good looking.

Without naming names, this isn't the case currently, judging by a certain local one who... Well, your columnist pic doesn't make me want to read about sex, girl.

Maybe this idea could be considered shallow...if there WERE any "qualifications" for such high-demand gigs. Especially given the current situation, with us types hanging out by highway underpasses with "will conduct investigative journalism for food" signs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2014:
Fight modern day scourge--Soggy Cereal!
Gramps' sage words--pour milk first; all clear, bowl full!
Tweaked wisdom--pour layers small;
graze; repeat... Heaven calls!
Perfect crunch/milk mix--ethereal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2014:
As a big fan of sugary, "kids'" cereals--which have added vitamins and minerals, making them healthy after all--I sometimes find it a bit tough to mow down a full bowl of something thick and wholesome, like raisin bran.

Don't get me wrong. I dig most any breakfast cereal. But I was faced recently with the remainder of somebody else's raisin bran recently, still fresh and all, and felt that it needed a little something.

What does one do when he/she likes a certain type of booze but finds it a little strong, straight-up?

I poured down a layer of Lucky Charms, then one of raisin bran, then topped it all with more Charms.

It's amazing how easy it is to go healthy--with a marshmallow chaser...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2014:
There's highway 'round here named, "The Kennedy."
"Express"-way? C'mon! Ain't no friend to me!
Guess name that they dished it's
'cause, on it, you're wishin'
you'll be shot in head, bringing end to thee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2014:
Have a bit of a dilemma here, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

As a writerly stereotype, at least on the introvert level, currently romantically single... Well, I need to get out of the house, as they say, more often. At least for social callings.

The other night, was out at a bar/restaurant, attempting to finish up with dinner and get home to watch a Blackhawks playoff game, when I noticed a bevy of hotties gathered to watch said game. There at the bar/restaurant.

Any sharp readers can probably draw one answer to my dilemma from these facts. In fact, it'd seem a delightful solution--with topic of conversation supplied. But whenever I HAVE went out to catch a game, I've had a hard time paying attention to the game in question.

I suppose I could hit a bar for a game that I couldn't care less about. Not a huge baseball fan, for instance, although I'm firmly in the White Sox camp. However, I'd be less able with the inherent conversational topic.

As I type this, I'm likely to go ahead and indulge this dilemma solver--hit a bar for a Blackhawks playoff game.

"Can't forget, won't regret, what I did...for...LOVE"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2014:
So Facebook's good way to find tail? Great!
Craft witty posts--see what ships sail, mate!
Look--three comments! Juiced full!
Yet... Er, not so useful--
one's eighty, one's gay and one's jailbait!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2014:
They call me Johnny Two Shaves.

Well, I call me that. Just started. Chief Limericist, here.

This is because, due to cheap razors and/or poor shaving skills, I now shave twice, to make sure and get all...most of my stubble off my face.

Soon, everybody will be calling me Johnny Two Shaves.

One needs his legacy, you know...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2014:
To land a girl, to it's, a trick!
Be subtle and smooth--not a prick!
Forceful, yet not bossy!
Sure's hell must speak softly--
if you're carr'yin' 'round a big stick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2014:
It almost hit 90 in Chicago, after 40s the day before and forecast next week.

So since this is our publication, we're running an ad--

WANTED: Spring. Reward! Last seen briefly somewhere between winter and summer...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2014:
True legend at same time it's fable--
as 'Merican as basic cable!
Great 'Merican Novel!
Since most's dream, Life gobbles--
I seek Great American Navel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2014:
To all Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who happen to be mothers... Happy Extra Cheezy Mother's Day!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/11/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Remaking Home
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know I've lost both of my parents over the past year and a half--my mother, December 2013, and my father, March of this year. So, in a way, today's entry is appropriate for Mother's Day, and an early Father's Day, since it's about moving into the family home.

Its status as the "family home"--where I and my sister mostly grew-up (junior high onward), where my dad hit his career heights and later retired, etc.--would be enough to force consideration, at least, of keeping the home in the family. But this one, in Ringwood, Ill., is unique.

My father designed the house. He was an airline pilot by trade, whiz investor by desire, but was also successful at most anything he took a crack at--thus architect of the family home as well. Perhaps the opposite of a "cookie cutter" suburban house, while it "officially" has two floors, plus basement, it sports a few "between floor" kinda levels, a mere few stairs above or below the main levels.

Dad did a lot of research on building, solving common construction problems. For instance, there's almost no wait time for faucet hot water in the family homestead.

Keeping the family house is a big, honkin' deal for me. Over the past 20 years, I've fully integrated myself to a city lifestyle--which wasn't my original intent. Having waylaid my initial attempt at college, I'd been living at home with the parents, planning to save money and generally shape up to return to college downstate, when I was nabbed for DUI. The DUI also took my then job, so I moved in with a friend in Chicago, figuring I'd use public trans, continue the downstate college plan and... I stayed in the city, obtaining my degreed at a downtown school, despite initially figuring I'd hate it.

As an introvert, the city made it much easier to meet and interact with others. As an artistically inclined intellectual, I fed off being amid all the culture, even if I rarely attended such events. Employment options were far greater, not only for my go-to career in journalism, but also for performance, which I accidentally took to after hitting some poetry open mics as a social outlet. I also loved the idea of not having to drive--plus being able to read en route to work or play.

I became a complete urbanite. So much so that the lifestyle became a form of dogma. Great job ad in the suburbs?... Wouldn't take a moment to consider it. Ad where driving is necessary?... Not a driving guy.

Over the 15 months between my mother and father's passings, different living situations were considered for Dad, who stayed in the family home, especially when his mobility and general health rapidly deteriorated over the final six months. Since my parents had helped me financially a great deal with my Chicago condo, I had to invite Dad to come and live with me downtown. The city wasn't his style, so he counter-offered. "You can move in with me. Get a job at a bank or something--I saw a sign on one hiring the other day."

Neither I nor Dad even considered my moving to Ringwood while continuing my city gigs, at least in part because I'd gravitated so far from a car lifestyle. I only considered that--thinking around the dogma--after Dad passed.

But why not? Sure, I've had solid reasons to stay in Chicago. My career skills alone steer me toward Big City. But I don't work eight-hour days, and reintegrating to a Car Guy has proven to be less than awful. (Part of the no-car attitude stemmed from serious dogma, distancing myself from the alcoholic young man with the DUI. Now, driving a lot has become empowering.) I'm also leaning toward returning to Novelist Me, my original inclination--screw the Internet's damage to the industry.

Plus... Whoah, have I had financial troubles! More than a decade ago, a divorce left me with a condo that, in order to keep, required my parents investing in the place AND renting my spare rooms. This was intended to be a "temporary" arrangement, but then came to Great Recession and the Real Estate Crash, and my career tanking, taking my credit with it and... I was starting to wonder if I'd ever get the hell out of that place and into cheaper city digs.

So in initially facing Dad's estate, I figured I could sell the Ringwood home, use that money to buy a new city place and lose the condo...when it hit me. The mortgage was long ago paid off on the family home. Big tax bill, but even adding auto costs to the mix, a move to Ringwood would almost cut my expenses in half.

Since there's always an inconvenient dance in coordinating selling one home and finding a new one, I could at least use the Ringwood home to accomplish my move. Move my condo belongings to the sprawling family home (with more than enough room for them), fix up and sell the condo, then find a cheaper place in Chicago...or, having re-experienced the country lifestyle, simply decide to stay put in Ringwood.

This plan is further complicated by the fact that I have a renter-roommate in the condo, who needs to move out before I can do much with the place, but a deadline has been set and Dad's estate has helped out, financially, so it's all doable.

I've generally lived my life needing detailed goals and plans--long-term and short-term. But I've (mostly) successfully pushed myself into a relaxed attitude on any "final" housing Decision, so I can wait and see, and live...although I find myself waxing toward staying in the family home, upping the ante on my dream of still finding a lasting marriage and starting a family. Which would, in turn, be a lot easier having a car and a large home at the ready.

Since the Great Recession, I've been in a huge rut--and a change-up like this can be the perfect prescription. Whether or not I decide to stay in Ringwood.

I regret that Dad couldn't have known about this plan, as it would've made him happy. In fact, my last conversation with him in the hospital found me wanting to say certain things, not so much because I then thought the end could be near--while things were serious, the final downturn came quickly after, so I was more trying to stoke his spirits, which had been flagging for some time. I wanted to make clear that my quick nixing of his "move home" option wasn't because I didn't want to live with him, but because of career and such. Thus my last word on the matter was effectively, "When you pass, the family home will be sold."

Although... Let's just say that my belief system, as muddy as it may be, tells me Dad, and Mom, know of my current plan--and are quite happy about it.

I have one sibling, a sister. While she's happy that I'm giving a shot at keeping the family home--she can't, with the location of her husband's business and her kids entrenched in a school system and such--she's also... Well, people have differing attitudes on dealing with these things.

The day Dad died, my sister invited me to dinner, also offering to let me sleep there for the night, "if it's weird to stay in that empty house, with reminders of mom and dad everywhere." I declined, because I feel the opposite. Being in the home where I grew up, the reminders and memories actually comfort me. Sort of a "glass half-full/glass half-empty" kinda thing people differ upon. Of course, sometimes I stumble across something, or remember something and my mood is such that it DOES make me sad. But for the majority of my time there, comfort rules.

Which brings me to today's titular theme, Remaking Home.

The state of my family home, upon my dad's death, was in a bit of disarray. Hell, it still is--though I'm working on it. Even if my parents were obsessively clean and organized, work would be in order--keep/donate/sell or trash clothes, belongings, decor?... Likewise, what should be done with each room? For the first month, I slept in the bedroom I'd kept since moving there in junior high all the way through my last visit to Dad's. Out of habit. But recently, I moved into the master bedroom and made a sitting room above it into my office area.

I'll need either a family or a roommate/renter to actually use all of the rooms in the place. Hell, even when we kids lived there, a few rooms saw little use. But in general, thanks to the comfort factor and the fact that I lack any sort of Decorating Gene, I plan to mostly keep things the way they've always been. No changing carpeting or tiling or repainting walls...at least until a wife-to-be comes along, as such things go.

I guess people faced with such a task would fall amid a spectrum--at one extreme, those who'd change everything they could about the family home, at the other... Well, me. Almost, anyway. I'm not planning to go all Norman Bates--I'll of course make the place my own, in little ways, little by little.

And I have a lot of decisions to make. Keeping the place as Home Sweet Home while at the same time Remaking Home...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2014:
"Sex col'mnist" can any old mug be!
Career in print dead--won't, 'neath rug, sweep!
With no qual'fications,
pic must spur tit'lation--
sole BFOQ? Don't be ugly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2014:
So now that we've all celebrated Mother's Day, start thinking ahead on how you'll thank somebody REALLY important in everyone's lives!

That's right, July 26 is indeed Uncle's Day!

Okay, so it's Aunt and Uncle Day but, really, Auntie never asked you to pull her finger, did she?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2014:
Sports bar, Big Game--great op for courtship!
But watch game close? Good one! Abort ship!
A social catch-22!
One day soon, telling you...
I'll suck it up and try..."sports-ship"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2014:
Breaking Update on Previous Daily Limerick News--

Some time back, we reported on the strange phenomemon of urban, grocery store bathrooms perpetually having some sap, inexplicably, as we go out of our way to do it at home... Well, always either having some schmo using the shitter or always in a state whereby some schmo just used the shitter, stinking up the joint.

As of today, we're reporting that this bizarre phenomenon also occurs in rural, grocery store bathrooms.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, beware!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2014:
Sugar cer'yal stash found bedeviled
with...raisin bran? Though, in, I'll revel,
bit healthy for palate--
uncut, hits like mallet!
So chaser's employed...Fruity Pebbles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2014:
Regarding snacks that are a mixture--of flavors, types, etc.--I get a little carried away over equality in munching.

For instance, I've recently been chiseling away at a box of Good & Fruity. I'll ready myself a handful, making sure to get one of each--lemon, lime, cherry, grape and orange. I'll savor each flavor individually, rather than popping a mouthful.

This is partly to avoid the fate of, say, finding one's self stuck with only lemon numbers. Oh, how folks irk me when they pick and choose their favorites, screwing up the distribution. But it's also a type of survey on how well the snack company divides the flavors/types equally.

No, I don't mark down the result and officially keep track. But, at least in theory, I'm seeking to learn if, for example, a box of said Good & Fruity tends to shake-out with more lime flavors than the others.

You live and learn about yourself, so I've recently found that I munch on the opposite philosophy with snack mix. The Chex Mix kinda stuff? That, I've found, is best just by the devil-may-care mouthful. Sure, when the box is new, I make sure to sample each ingredient individually, but... Yup.

Nothing but the most serious issues of the day examined here at Daily Limerick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2014:
Wanted--There's reward folks (ka-ching)!
Hiding out, 'mid on-the-lam fling!
Tips, rumors, location?
Any information
to help us fin'ly lock-up...Spring!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2014:
Skype, Google Hangouts, video chatting in general? Worthless technology for its own sake.

Okay, there are exceptions. Military personnel checking in with family overseas, online auditions, porn in general--not to mention usage by the same shits-fer-brains who text photos of their nuts, unaware or ignorant of Big Brother NSA and the permanent nature of the Internet... Etc.

When we were wees, pondering the video phones on "The Jetsons" did, indeed, leave us thinking a future Skype would be cool. Meaning, okay, we'll grant another exception for the bright-eyed, curious, naive-about-the-world kiddies.

Otherwise... Who the hell makes a call anymore while sitting in one place? And isn't the point of calling to replace the necessity of a physical meeting and all it entails (dressing, making one's self presentable)?

Are we forgetting the benefits of the original technology?

Aw, why do we bother with this anymore? Why open a window when you can download a freakin' weather app...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2014:
My poor shaving skills, 'bout oft rave--
try, try but all stubble can't stave!
So don't look like dunce,
now shave more than once--
so just call me, "Johnny Two Shaves"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2014:
Had to take care of some car title-related business at the Illinois Dept. of Motor Vehicles recently.

Chief Limericist checking in here.

This entailed paying two state entities.

The Illinois Dept. of Revenue, for some unimaginable reason, does not take credit cards...or cash. Since I lost the habit of carrying around my checkbook, oh, 20+ years ago, I had to make a side trip to a currency exchange for a money order.

The second entity, the DMV itself, was a little better. Took credit cards...with an extra fee.

Thought about asking if checks or cash payments would be assessed a fee, but... One enters "Get Out As Fast As You Can" mode when in the DMV's clutches.

So the anti-Big Government folks are kooks, huh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2014:
A buxom hairdresser was fearing,
base, rival salon, t'ward, was steering!
Got tough with those rubes--
slapped with massive boobs!
She's now locked-up for Rack-eteering!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2014:
Been listening to a lot of "Classic Rock" lately.

Some of this stuff, perhaps a lot of this stuff, fits the "classic" label. The tunes will be rocking listeners for many generations.

But much of this so-called "Classic Rock"... People are still listening to it only because these stations are playing it. They're forcing it. A bit like increasing its longevity by pickling.

Hence our new term for this tier of such music, badly needed... "Vlassic Rock"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2014:
Now, Mom's Day brought gifts by the trunk full,
but most 'mportant one's day 'waits, punks! You'll
want to prepare for July
26th--note, time flies!--
day thanking God's Gift...the Uncle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2014:
With all the talk of "stay-cations" in our seemingly perpetually struggling economy, we'd like to suggest to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers the Simulated Vacation. Whereby you pretend you're somewhere more exotic by... Well, here's an example--

Tool around the pothole-infested streets of Chicago this spring and at times you'll forget you're not travelling...the Badlands of South Dakota...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/18/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's Birthday Eve...
...For me.

No stinkin' edition this week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2014:
Birthday party, thought, night on town'd
dovetail with month's show-hosting rounds!
Facebook event I unfurled!
Mix-up 'rose, post told world...
Yup, folks--I was Charlie Browned!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2014:
Happy Birthday to me... (Chief Limericist checked-in, here)... Happy Birthday to me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2014:
When its future, "Jetsons" proclaimed,
vid chat seemed a Wonder--was game!
Rushed, clean-up, sit down and all,
for...glorified phone call?
Techie geeks--vid chatting's lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2014:
Saw one of those boxes for food donations to a local charity recently.

An extra, handwritten note was added to the display asking, "Please, no expired foods."

So people were giving spoiled chow to the poor?

Who the hell do they think they are--Tea Partiers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2014:
Mixed candy bags, how they entice!
Handfuls, one of each, keep mix nice!
But when munch attack's
Chex-like salty snacks,
I dive in--court roll of the dice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2014:
You know, I could blow off this week's, Wednesday Food-related content, since it's my birthday week.

Monday was the actual day.

But I've been thinking about how, for some birthday before I die, I want a naked/scantily clad woman to jump from my cake.

Which would be one of those instances where you simply MUST have your cake and eat it, too...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2014:
Had to visit DMV... Ecch!
Insisted I must pay by...check?
Guess was Retro Day! Fine, see,
ain't been since the Nineties
carried 'round checkbook, by heck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2014:
So is it okay to dishonestly tweet "fire!" in a crowded theater? After all, it wouldn't cause any commotion. People'd wouldn't even read it--they'd just re-tweet it and hit you up with social media marketing offers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2014:
Now it shouldn't come as a massive shock,
forgotten junk oft gets dubbed, "classic rock."
Some tunes are such trick bull,
to keep on air's pickled!
That's moldy trash I've now dubbed, "Vlassic rock"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2014:
Got this hands-free cell device for my Birthday... Chief Limericist checking in, here... But I'm having this hardest time getting the damn thing working.

In general, I'm pretty good at keeping upon technology. But now and then, something like this gets me feeling long in the (blue) tooth...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2014:
For dude's birthday hullabaloo,
girl jumped from his cake and he knew,
right then and there, he'd break rule--
if need be, Fate he'd fool--
have his cake...and eat it, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2014:
We imagine there must be some reason that a debit card is more secure than a credit card, at least on a brick and mortar level.

What with the PIN code and all.

Hmmm...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2014:
Don't falsely shout, "Fire!" crowded place!
But tweet, "Fire!" What's new social grace?
Really doesn't matter,
Twit-ter's just for blather--
few read Other Guy in first place!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2014:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Having witnessed the acts of, literally, more than a thousand stand-up comics over my career, and can impart to you their sage wisdom of the ages--

Men and women are different.

Shocking but, if you pay extra attention to the world around you, you'll realize that it is, curiously, true...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/25/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I Write These Ahead of Time...
...Last weekend was my Birthday weekend so... You do the math. Or the grammar. Or the figuring or... In any event, see ya' next week...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2014:
Do social network, if uncouth;
tablet brings me mobile tech booth!
But cell device, all the rage,
made me feel past my age--
like I'm long in the (blue)tooth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2014:
Each time use city grocer's loo
someone's just took obnoxious poop!
But country trip brings
proof not urban thing--
groc'ry johns all stink like hens' coops!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2014:
Women are prone to prattling on about how, "A man must've invented high heels" and, "A man invented this" and, "A man invented that." As if the world is out to get them.

So, ladies, humanity's inventions are never unkind to the male of the species?

How about the bicycles--namely, the, er, strategic location of that bar for a "boy's" bike?

Even better--the pants zipper?

Case closed. Shut your ice cream holes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2014:
Food bank drop box, spied something rude--
saw need for sign, "No expired foods"!
How low some bring bar!
Who'd' they think are--
what, some kinda Tea Party dudes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2014:
As a big cereal guy, sick and tired of being told my faves are "kids' cereals," it's high time the world saw some "adults' cereals."

Like, say, Booty Pebbles. And... Well, don't have more ideas on that now, but it is an interesting concept, no?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2014:
Why stick 'round Chi-Town for "stay-cation"?
South Dakota's yours with 'mag'nation!
Car tour city streets!
Pot holes? No, they're neat
scenes on your cool Badlands "play-cation"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2014:
Okay, most of us are dinosaurs here at Daily Limerick, but sometimes, as much as we fight it, we give in and disgruntle ourselves.

Now, we understand that the name stems from a longer word with scientific reasoning behind it and all that hooey.

But considering you can no longer take solace in, "Sorry, was out and about all day," or, "Can't reach me--I'm on vacation"... The term "cell" phone makes painfully perfect sense...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2014:
There must be SOME reason, I'm sure--
Odd debit o'er credit allure...
For debit use, 'least need PIN;
credit? Why check? Cash in!
Brick-mortar, D's more secure?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2014:
Back in the day's of Destiny's Child, I, your Chief Limericist, found Beyonce highly attractive.

Then... Well, oversaturation, of course. Plus the preponderance of "whoah, oh-oh's" in that damn "Single Ladies" tune.

Today, I feel like the only person on earth annoyed by her. And I constantly wonder why that annoyance only seems to grow.

Found a clue recently.

Somehow, she ended up in my Twitter feed. Yeah, I follow left and right, almost everything, figuring that's the "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" nature of social media, even if I ignore almost all of it. But I did catch one of her Twits the other day--

"Why Women Don't Give Blow Jobs," followed by a link.

Perhaps you've answered your own question, there, Beyonce, regarding why some of us are reluctant to "put a ring on it"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2014:
A pretty mail lady named Dora kissed
Dom on rounds! He thought, "Must explor'a this!"
Dressed niced, played soft tunes,
next day and, 'round noon--
his package he sent by...post orifice!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2014:
Sorely needed jargon for our Tech Age: A-hole's Internet Show?--

A "pud-cast"!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...