Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: October 2014
Love scent, crusty oven--I mean it!
All those frozen pizzas did wean it!
I know, it sounds crazy!
Excuse to be lazy--
brings even more cause not to clean it!


I met the woman of my dreams!

She was an older Mexican lady, who perhaps looked older than her years, with an eye twitch and a strange habit of emitting a whistle now and then when she spoke... What?

Oh, perhaps you're missing a key fact here--this woman served me some off the tastiest tacos I've ever eaten...


Car radio tunes! Static does
increase the enjoyment because
it adds extra portion
to old rock distortion
by laying down layer of fuzz!


Michael Phelps arrested for DUI?

So he drinks like a fish, too?...


Post from Facebook date-trolling girl--
"Read my page 'fore flirts you unfurl!"
Well, call me old-fashioned!
Check e-ego stash bin
AFTER I've met you in real world!


Some of the most annoying pop cultural icons are now a Cyrus and a Thicke.

What year is this, again?...


A fellow enjoying sucked cock,
cried, "Chipmunk my fleshy Pop Rocks!"
Chick was such a klutz,
she swallowed his nuts--
and now he wears her like a jock!


In checking our weekly Web stats, the previous week found us with more traffic from a country outside the U.S. than from America itself. A first.


Always wanted to say we're "big in Japan," but we'll take "big in Ukraine"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...


Guys memorizing tips and tricks
from books on "How to Pick-Up Chicks"
can always be found
out, night on the town,
without any chicks in the mix!


Last week, it was announced that the clean-up efforts following Chicago's Riot Fest, in the city's Humboldt Park, came in at three times the cost of the previous year.

At least the fest lived up to its name.

Were they expecting a wine and cheeze crowd for "Riot Fest"?...


(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: One of These Day...
...POW! Right in the...entertainment bone, or something.

Meaning, I'll pen a new Story here... Not this week, though...


That PC brand's still 'round--the Dell!
They're having Dell World! Big sell
is low, low price spent!
I'd crash the event--
but Dells crash fine all by themselves!


So, any given check-in, one's new Twitter "followers" are likely to be shills ready to sell you bunches of other "followers."

Now, it's pathetic enough to pay for friends and/or followers.

But to pay for "friends" and/or "followers"?...


King Elvis was known as a wiz with
the tasks for Takin' Care o' Bizness!
So here is my question--
Do porn stars, I'm guesin',
dub those tasks, Takin' Care o' Jizzness?


"Ebola" could be such a pretty name. Shame.

Like "Chlamydia," it's now hopelessly tainted.

So to speak...


Girl of dreams--answers prayers and wishes!
Old dame, whistling lip and eye twitches!
I don't kid, or mock, no!
Waitress served me tacos
among my whole life's most delicious!


Some publication has to be the HQ for snack reviews.

Daily Limerick to the rescue!

"Birthday Cake" flavored M&Ms. These things have been calling out to me in checkout lanes for months now--despite the fact that I'm more of a pie guy than a cake fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Predictably, I broke down and bought some.

The results?

Delicious...but, then again, M&Ms tend to be. Didn't notice much difference in flavor. Oh, they're thicker, like most of their newer flavors, and the bag SMELLS like birthday cake, which is supposed to affect taste and all but... Yup.

And it's concoctions like these that are pushing my fave, coconut, off the shelves.

Maybe if you stick a candle in one--or get a bag of 'em large enough for a bikini-clad lady to jump from?...


Mike Phelps got his back-in-news wish...
sort of. DUI's the New Dish!
This won't put a dimmer
on his feats as swimmer--
proves guy also drinks like a fish!


As part of the Great Girly Man-ification of Society, we're seeing a lot of these ads for "men's" hair coloring products.

As far as we're concerned, that's a paradox, as real men don't bother with such crap, outside of having it forced upon them for, say, acting roles and such.

Some of these ads are trumpeting products that bring on "natural color."

Yo, shills! The point of hair coloring is to AVOID "natural color." "Natural color," for a man, say, mid-30s onward, is at least partially GREY, and it doesn't seem that's what your products are achieving...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2014:
Pop Culture's annoyance in play!
Names Cyrus and Thicke rule the day!
Familiar names, both those two!
Strange sense of deja vu...
What year is this, anyway?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2014:
Last week, Chicago hosted a festival celebrating its birth after the Great Chicago Fire. A new festival here in town.

Yet the bash went off swimmingly! Effigies were to be burnt in the Chicago River, with detritus afterward to form the city's symbol on the water... Well, like the its namesake event, appropriately the bash was a Great Disaster itself!...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2014:
Burl often found 'self in hot water!
Got into things he'd best not ought'er!
One day at a friend's soiree--
girl's graduation day--
almost was caught in hot...daughter!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2014:
Time for another one of our Badly Needed Definitions For Our Modern World!

Okay, so when a guy... Well, it sorta defines itself. See a lot of these types these days--

The "beardo"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...


New Chi-Town Great Fire Fest! Throws blast fer
to show Fate how rebirth we've mastered!
Big climax, though, went awry!
Fitting it didn't fly--
fest itself was Great Disaster!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2014:
Highway exits into cities are a common locale for panhandler types. These dudes tend to make such lucrative spots into their own.

Recently, by one such locale we noticed a different face.

So... A substitute panhandler?...


(Touching in some manner, anyway)

When we last left our hero, that being me, he was engaged in the process of sorting, cleaning, fixing, etc., et. al. the Family Home for near-future sale in the aftermath of his parents' deaths. Our hero will be amid this task for at least another month.

This is a draining task. Draining time, money, energy and emotional stamina. A task of the To Do List is stricken--room cleared out, for instance--and as soon as the "Yay, progress!" hits, it's nixed by the "Oh yeah...closer to the Final Goodbye."

In other words, I'm in a frantic rush to finish all of this up and move on...at the same time I never want this Final Goodbye to arrive.

The idea of somebody else living in the Family Home doesn't sit well with me. Like an ex-boyfriend with a less than functional attitude toward his ex-girlfriend, while I don't want Her anymore, I don't want anyone else having Her, either.

Actually, I'm not so much the psycho ex- as the sensitive, poetic type about it. Ala the old tune, "Take Good Care Of My Baby." I hope, of course, they don't knock down walls and render the home unrecognizable, paint it hot pink or any of that. But my main concern is the five acres of land surrounding the actual home.

My dad decided to leave the slightly hilly, Northern Illinois land around the house as-is. Mostly. There's a proper lawn, as well as some flower beds and such, right around the home. And there are paths mown through the forest. But other than that, Mother Nature is the landscape artist.

Thus, titular The Paths.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should well know that I'm not a hokey religious/spiritual/New Agey guy. But The Paths are spiritual, even holy, to me. Despite having become a full-on City Person over the years, I still feel that everything stems from nature... I won't go into my personal philosophies here, but nature play an all-important role, even if I'm not a big outdoorsman.

As a youngster, moving here when I started junior high, I walked these paths, even "hung out" on them, as a supplement to exploring my personal ideas on religion, the Meaning of Life and such. Recently, I've walked The Paths yet again, mowing them as part of caring for the estate since my parents' passing.

One of my biggest fears is that a future owner will knock it all down, landscape the whole five acres, destroying The Paths.

I realize that this is a silly, if human and understandable, fear. That there's nothing I can do about it. That it is unrealistic to think that, ten, twenty, fifty years from now...every single owner, from now until the end of time, will keep The Paths intact.

With time, I'll come to terms with this reality. Or I'll at least better come to terms with it. Realistically, once the place is sold, I may never even get by again to check on the state of the five acres.

Many moon passed between physically wandering The Paths as a spiritually exploring boy and as a lawn-mowing man, but I've regularly visited them in my mind. Through my own type of prayer and whenever I've sought mental peace.

So The Paths, along with the Family Home and even my parents, will, in that way, always be with me...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2014:
Ebola! Fact's gruesome and gritty,
that it's now threat to U.S. cities!
Disease name, though? Don't fit! Bah!
Much like Chlamydia,
for a girl, name'd be so pretty!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2014:
In honor of Columbus Day, we plan to wander around, get lost, and pretend we're in India!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Columbus Day!...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2014:
It's one thing to buy friends and followers--
the world's full of loneliness wallowers--
but buying online peeps be
new level of creepy!
Social networks, words ring hollow fer!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2014:
In our beyond fast-paced Internet Age, where the backlash against new stars begins almost before the actual fame at this point, we believe we're now experiencing... The "Re-Lash," maybe we should call it?

That is, perhaps due to a smidgeon of pity for the backlashed and/or perhaps a new twist on the tricky definition of "hip," with the "I was into them BEFORE they were famous" cliche now twisted due to the overall speed of these things... Well, for example, take Taylor Swift.

PLEASE, take Taylor Swift--and bring her to our Chief Limericist!...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2014:
Now who doesn't love slow-smoked meats?
Girls, here's tasty, on-the-quick cheat--
I'll start fireplace, stoke her;
touch my fleshy poker...
Built-in, smoked-meat lolly--my treat!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2014:
Welcome one and all to your Snack Review HQ, today exploring Skittles Desserts.

This newer assortment contains the likes of Raspberry Sorbet and... Oh, who are we kidding?

They're fruit-flavored, chewy candies. If you like Skittles, you'll dig Desserts.

Now, if you happen to have a refined snack palate, like, say, me, which qualifies me for this snack reviewer role... Really, I don't know whether I like them any more or less than any other Skittles mix.

But if you dig Skittles like me, and consider yourself a snacking aficionado, try 'em anyway, like me...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2014:
Old radio, for me'd, been while!
Old friend's back--now logging car miles!
'Spite buttloads of stations...
One playlist? Frustration!
Ten songs, at all times, 'cross both dials!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2014:
The Huffington Post... All the News That's Fit to Steal!...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2014:
Not 'xactly dream, but can't complain!
World traffic check, on my domain,
finds me huge in foreign land!
Though not old saw Japan--
can say I'm, "big in...Ukraine"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2014:
We need a new word.

Say you have a dream. It's not a good dream, nor a nightmare, but then again it's not neutral. It's closer to a nightmare than a good dream, but the experience is more annoying than outright terrifying.

Say, your dream entails social media. Or you hear your cat puking in the dream and awake searching for this "puke" to clean up after.

We're gonna take the initiative here and call this a "duskmare"...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2014:
Clerk, 7-11, chick twerpy,
though plain, unkempt and, in fact, burpy,
quite often hit on, she was,
consensus was because
she served one hell of a "Slurpee"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2014:
New product idea--

KY Marmalade.

Now, unlike the Jelly, this would... Ahem.

Back to the Lab-or-a-tory...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...


Ads, stuff like men's...hair dye? Must say,
"men" just grow more girly each day!
"Mature men" claim, mulled 'er,
while--"natural" color?
Dudes, that NAT'RAL color is grey!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2014:
As long-time opponents of breast implants, we've been quiet on the subject since the phenom of women donning the plastic globules in order to battle a genetic history of breast cancer.

At first, our opinion was viewed as politically correct-ish, and this development changed the scenario.

Now we're seeing Facebook posts and such trumpeting this "fake boobs for health" line, from chicks who... Let's just say they'd have implants even if the things made tobacco look like a vitamin supplement.

My question to these half woman-half blowup dolls... Is the lowering of the risk dependent on the size of the cup, then?...


(Touching in some manner, anyway)

Working on something fitting for Halloween Month, but not quite there yet... Spook at ya' next week?...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2014:
Need name for new, hip type of weirdo!
Men's facial hair in? It appears so!
Guys full foliage-faced
all over the place!
And many of these cats are..."Beardos"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2014:
Yesterday marked yet another Football Sunday when we didn't chime in during games via social media. Which is a little silly to "mark," considering... Well, if you catch any of us ever doing that, feel free to shoot him/her in the head.

If you want to toss around your pea-brained, wannabe, armchair-coach comments during a game, at least go to a bar.

That is, rather than being euphemistically social via "social media," go out to a bar or something and actually BE social...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2014:
Tough times--do what you can for loot!
Think no low gig lets shock compute?
Known underpass face
saw for day replaced
by a...panhandler substitute?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2014:
Overheard from a passerby--

"Well, I don't need my lady parts anymore..." Hmmm.

This is the type of thing that gets one curious...at the same time one doesn't really want to know...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2014:
For ad shills, worst tough sell I make!
But Skittles "Desserts," "Birthday Cake"
flavored M&MS?
Chump for likes of them!
Sucker--just for snacks on the take!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2014:
Recently, was in a neighborhood of Chicago I don't make on my regular rounds, but once did, and thought I'd reacquaint myself with the delights of Harold's Chicken Shack.

'Cept I had time to kill and... Well, the bastards didn't have a public bathroom--even for customers. So no Harold's for me.

Even if I WEREN'T killing time, in order to enjoy the delight that is a meal out, I empty my bladder, pre-meal, for Total Enjoyment.

Note to any and all eateries--

No bathroom, no patronage...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2014:
'Net Age, overnight stars turn smash!...
Next day, backlash comes in a flash!
New twist--lightning shift
lifts... Take Taylor Swift.
I'm gaga for her on...re-lash?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2014:
For some time, we've thought "social media" isn't quite the best term for...social media.

So after years now of meandering our way along these online landscapes, usually pondering, all the while, not only a better name for these sites but answers to questions of "Why the attraction?" and "Why are we doing this?"; at the same time noting how most people present themselves and deal with others... Well, we've got the perfect, much better name for these things--

"Selfie Media"...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2014:
The Huffington Post! Its appeal?
News 'round world, one spot! What a deal!...
For them--news, don't pay for!
"Exposure" "pays" labor!
Creed's, "All The News That's Fit To...Steal"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2014:
Ads for Toyota trumpet its model having a "wide stance."

Now, we're all for fun-making at the expense of outed sexual orientationally two-faced politicians.

But, not only are we guessing that few viewers "get" the reference, we're boggled as to how a Larry Craig reference helps shill the car...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2014:
Forgetful nymph witch, young and blonde,
sought most handsome guy, of her fond,
at 'Ween party, when remiss.
With simple wink and kiss,
could borrow his "magic wand"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2014:

What could possibly go wrong?...

Happy Extra Frighteningly Cheezy Saturday!...


A "nightmare" dream, by def, must scare!
But dream mere annoyance doth flare?
Cat puke, telemarketer?...
Certainly dark, but they're
more properly dubbed... "Duskmare"?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2014:
Here's our Big Problem with football. (American football, that is.) In addition to the other Big Problem of having most games at freakin' noon on a Sunday, practically sandbagging almost half your weekend in the name of fandom.

Compared to other major sports, football has very few games--a sixteen-game season, while hockey and basketball are both around 80 and baseball well over 100. So a few weeks into the season often means your team is already eliminated, or practically so, destroying your fan season early.

Now there are those who report to "simply love the game." More power to them, as that means their fan season can't be destroyed. But we're not among that bunch.

The major leagues, of course, are wise to their shortcomings and enact fixes. For basketball and hockey, the fix is built-in. Their playoff seasons are ridiculous--allowing half or more of the teams into "special" playoff status for sprawling, multi-month postseasons. But the long regular seasons are tough for even the most stubborn fan to ignore, despite the temptation to just "wait for the playoff season." The second half of these seasons brings on a "jockying for playoff seed season" that's, hate to admit it, exciting, and the sheer number of regular season games is gonna rope in even those stubborn sorts for some game watching along the way.

And we'll give kudos to baseball for having a commendable playoff structure to begin with. Well, a sensible structure that's commendable thanks to other sports'.

Admittedly, quick sandbagging of fan seasons is not the National Football League's fault. It's the nature of the game--too rough for more than 16 weekly games. We do blame them, however, for their fixes. We've prattled about the damn noon-focused thing before in DL/S&Y, likely a ploy to create more fans who "simply love the game," given the likelihood of their team being sandbagged early. ("Screw football! The Bears are out of it!... But I started watching TV at noon, so why accomplish anything today?... Hmm, who's playing in the afternoon game and on Sunday Night Football?")

We CAN blame the NFL for its other fix to this problem...at the same time we have to begrudgingly give them credit. Somehow getting millions of Knucklehead Knerds to drink the Kool-Aid that is "fantasy football"...


(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Halloween...As a Kid
Been wracking my brain lately for a fitting, Halloween-themed Sunday Story Time before the month is out, when I realized that I was forgetting the whole kid angle.

It's easy to forget that Halloween's a different thing to kids. Yeah, it's always about scares and costumes. But adults have rebranded the holiday into something all about sexy costumes and partying before the family holidays come around. In fact, in recent years I've noticed the perhaps once rebellious claim that "Halloween is my favorite holiday" now being something of a hipster cliche.

On a personal level, Halloween has a "rebirth" connotation, since, many moons ago, amid my hideously checkered past, I emerged from alcohol rehab on Halloween. For this, and many reasons, while brainstorming a relevant topic, just after an "Aha!" thinking, "Oh yeah... What about those Halloweens in kid-dom?" I discovered... I don't remember much of Halloween as a kid.

I recall Halloweens as a teen and very young adult quite clearly, but by that time Halloween was clear into the adult party zone, even if that started with throwing eggs and other pranks.

I'm known for having a stellar memory, but the only trick-or-treat costume I remember was Batman. One of those store-bought, realistic-facemask-with-a-one-piece jobs, modeled on the comic, Adam West Batman. I remember liking Batman but not being a fanatic, so I'm not entirely sure how that was picked.

I remember the adults, especially my grandpa, chuckling at the costume's realism--at least of Adam West's face. I of course remember the candy craze, as well as candies I only encountered around Halloween, and rarely have encountered, if at all, since--Mary Janes, those root beer barrels, fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls and others.

I'm not seeking to rant here about society "stealing Halloween" from the kiddies or anything. Nor am I prattling about how adulthood has erased something from childhood.

I'm just floored that my brain hasn't retained much about Halloween as a kid, and in fact I'm wondering if maybe it was no big deal back then...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2014:
New product to help getting laid!
(Use it, KY, and I get paid!)
What it'd be, can't tell ye,
'cept twist on your Jelly--
the world needs... KY Marmalade!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2014:
Shut up about Da Bass, Da Bass, Da Bass... Shut up about Da Bass, Da Bass, Da Bass...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2014:
Find implants dumb, as man of thighs--
look goofy and suspect, health-wise!
My "small's fine" take? Once P.C.!
New buzz? Big C foil be...
So... Risk's inverse of cup size?


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2014:
We're not big patrons of strip clubs. Can't say we've never been, as naked women are indeed delightful, and we'll likely attend again, but... Odd scene.

Saw this ad for Chicago's Admiral club featuring "Nights of the Stripping Dead," featuring babes in zombie makeup an such.... Why?

We'll make a note. Next time we get the stripper itch, not to go in October...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2014:
Rest'rants! Feature these or meet doom!
(Or 'least see MY biz get the broom!)...
Not item on menu,
just make sure your venue's
passed Dine-In 101...restrooms!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2014:
With this new, 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 deal from Burger King, I decided to give them one more chance.

Yeah, yeah. Never say never, especially when I know myself and my fast food penchant. But I was giving them one more chance to not slide further down the pecking order. And they earned it with this bargain, especially considering McDonald's rising prices.

As the only major fast food outlet offering onion rings, Burger King has ensured its spot in my fast food rotation historically, despite the unthinkable decision to forego mustard on the Whopper. (Yeah, you can always special order, but that always threatens to take the "fast" out of "fast food.") Combined with the relative rarity of locations, this has made Burger King visits something special for me.

Over the past six months, my opinion of Burger King has been sliding. See, I've been regularly driving around the region for this period, after decades of being a mostly stay-put, non-driving Chicagoan. It started with their inability to keep their Icee machine working--a real bummer, especially in the summer months. Yeah, that doesn't reflect on Burger King at large, but practically speaking, I'm talking about the only Burger King along my frequent driving route so... Well, in this case, it DOES, for me anyway.

I've also realized that my opinion of their onion rings stems mostly from childhood. Over the years, I've sampled many far better rings, at local chains and one-of-a-kinds, and Burger King's don't stack up against the competition. Usually more greasy than crispy, with portions out-of-line with price, bearing a light breading that's blown away by some of the battered styles I've encountered. Plus, they're uniform in size--a big minus after having the fresh (not frozen) and handmade rings, ranging in size from crispy nibs to honkin' chunks of onion.

So in trying this new nugget deal, I was drawing a line in the sand. Okay, a wishy-washy line, but a line, nonetheless.

The results?

For $1.49, I can't call them a rip-off. But I honestly don't think they're any better than the cheap ones you buy at the grocery and make at home. In fact, if you take the extra time to pan fry or bake those for the crispiness, rather than 'waving them, the cheapos beat Burger King's.

So I drew my line, and Burger King... Crossed it, or something. My metaphor/analogy has some problems.

Which means I won't buy those nuggets again. Probably.

At least I may be done with this driving jag by the time I'd have to worry about your Icee machine being on the fritz...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2014:
Don't oft hit strip clubs, but did spy
"Nights of Stripping Dead" ad! My, my!
So, take primo hotties
and make 'em look rotty?
Three questions here--why, why and WHY???


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2014:
Keeping up on theater reviews and the latest trends, we have a stellar idea for something original--

How about a play where the men play the male characters and women play the female characters?...


DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2014:
Know vampire nymph! Claims much unsaid
'bout day-to-day lives of undead!
Male victims, she bites
place, mouth by, won't fight...
Could say that she gives them "unhead"!


SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2014:
Happy Frighteningly Cheezy All Hallow's Eve!...