Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2014 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: September 2014
DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2014:
Recession--strove keep chin aloft!
Then worked Labor Day without scoff!
Though field's entertaining
now joy's hard containing--
this year, 'least in one way, get off!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy Labor Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2014:
For kids, back-to-school tests retention--
Three Rs! Reading, (W)Riting... Must mention
some 'Rithmatic's clear
by this time of year--
Cubs nixed out of playoff contention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2014:
Sometimes, the fuzz from an old-fashioned, car radio actually bolsters the music.

As with, say, Black Sabbath's "Paranoid."

To use a theoretical example...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2014:
Convenience meals--quick chow! Boom-bam!
Yet cry out for tweaks--some Shazzam!
Directed philosophies
to riddle--Mac & Cheeze...
I thiink, therefore...added Spam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2014:
When you crank up your oven and the joint soon smells like pizza, it can only mean one thing.

Okay, maybe TWO things, since it indicates you should clean your oven more often.

But it's a sure-fire sign that frozen pizzas are a popular meal for you.

For my part, I dig the smell. Why, they oughta make pizza-scented air fresheners!

Actually, I'm sure they already do.

Hey, you justify not cleaning your oven your way, I'll use mine...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2014:
5-Hour Energy's shills jest-scoff--the
taste's bad! Asks folks' adds for "ick" soft'ning!
It's useless invention!
Need I really mention
old tasty pep product called...coffee?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2014:
Everyone makes a full-on, honkin' deal outta dancing around the May Pole, but we ain't heard nothin'--not one word--about dancing around the September Pole...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2014:
Life, city and country, with quirks be!
Each has its own drawbacks, and perks, see?
Not so diff'rent, I construe!
Out window, country view?
Diff breed, but, like downtown...turkeys!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2014:
What the world needs now is "Musical: The Musical."

And let's keep it that way from now on...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2014:
When stoner tale, "totally bogus,"
you're told? "Anecdotally bogus"!
And when stoner chick
is boinked by small dick?
She might call it, "scrotally bogus"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2014:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

While Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers better damned well know that I'm staunchly opposed to Internet dating, at least for myself... Well, social media presents a Grey Area.

As I wouldn't go to a "singles event," but would check out, oh, say, something like art openings--known unofficially as a great pick-up opportunity but not existing chiefly as a singles/dating thing--I've indulged some Facebook flirtation.

Not a whole lot of this flirtation, as I'm suspicious of any and all things social media, but I even ALMOST set up a date via Facebook. A date that still COULD happen, although... Well, I expect nothing whatsoever from Facebook, from careers to publicity to lovin'. (And, for that matter, am still unconvinced that anything positive has ever occurred in the history of social media.)

I'm skimmed some posts on this topic. Dames proclaiming stuff like, "If you want DATES go to Match.com! Facebook is NOT a dating site--so stop hitting me up here!" Then again, recently I saw a chick's post chastising would-be Facebook dates to, "Check out my page before asking me stupid questions I've already answered!" (Of course, that's only the gist as, of course, the post was lousy with spelling and grammatical errors.)

This woman I may or may not date via Facebook? Okay, I took a really quick look at her page, but in general I just view posts, not pages. Not anybody's pages. Hell, I have to remind myself to check what I have for FB info every now and again. So I haven't ready her likes and dislikes, movies and hobbies, blah blah yadda yadda.

Call me old fashioned, but I like to actually, physically, in reality meet someone, and get to know her, BEFORE I'd read her Facebook page carefully.

And even then...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2014:
Pervs, fetishists, kinksters ain't loons--
each organ sings to diff'rent tune!
But creeped, can't be lying--
good luck satisfying!--
by freaks who're turned-on by...cartoons?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2014:
Call 'em Dinosaur Bones.

Maybe there's a better metaphor, but we're talking about the fare offered on now old school media, like standard TV and radio. "Dinosaur" and "bones" go together so well and... Ahem.

You'd think that, now competing with (perhaps doomed to fail versus) the likes of Netflix and Internet radio, the corporate entities behind these media would be making a greater effort at variety and such, especially considering that older folks are now a coveted marketing demographic.

But NOOOO! Turn on your "classic" TV stations and you'll see the same reruns you saw a few months ago. Crank up your car radio and you'll inexplicably hear the same songs, sometimes at the same time on different spots along the dial!

Oh, we know how this works. Radio/TV programming is influenced by new releases of DVDs and music. How else can one explain Rod Stewart's "Young Turks" song suddenly in relentless rotation everywhere?

But among those of us who easily can go all modern with this stuff, but who have reasons of our own for sticking to Dinosaur Habits... These Dinosaur Bones don't have a lot of meat on 'em...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/7/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: You May Ask Yourself...
...Why do I include the header for this section when I'm filing no edition?

And maybe some week I'll answer...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2014:
Think doom's not what pub. school kid's fate be?
Why's Cath'lic schools beat their ACTs?
Group so "bad science" hardened
that they didn't pardon
poor Galileo 'til the '80s?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2014:
There used to be a season for this sort of thing, but now we constantly fear turning on the traditional radio or television because of the relentless political ads.

Got a landline phone? Thankful for having an answering machine/voicemail so you don't miss any robo-calls?

There's this constant right/left hubbub over Civil Voting Rights and fraud and... What does it all get us?

Elections whereby turn-outs of almost half our registered votes are deemed "good."

Our drug-makers have it all wrong. The cure we really need is for elect-ile dysfunction...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2014:
Seems Google's search engine grows juiceless!
First Web, then whole world, in its loose net...
Not priority--
search monopoly!
Increasingly, "Googling" is useless!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2014:
The Heart song, "Crazy on You," used to... Well, it kinda turned me on.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Okay, so the tune more titillated me, I guess you'd say, as it wasn't like I were full-on... You know.

Anyhoo, the song conjured an image in my head of a woman lost in passion... Well, "going crazy on me" in THAT sorta way.

Of course, the song was released when I was a mere pup. So when I hear the song today... Let's just say that after decades of dating, the thought of a chick "going crazy on me" carries a different connotation...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2014:
"Assuage"--satisfy, oft with loss bridge
or offering, perhaps from boss fridge!
If to me you make,
it's not by mistake...
You can't spell "assuage" without "sausage"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2014:
Walmart's full-on grocery-plus stores have near-conquered the frugal shopping demographic but... Beware!

I, too, was seduced by the allure of low, low prices, until... At some point you ask yourself the question, "Just how can they sell this stuff so cheap?"

Let's just say that, at some point, I started finding answers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2014:
Get drunk? Next day, likely, you've hangover!
So when a porn star has the gang over
for marathon shoot
to make extra loot
does she next day ache from a...bang-over?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2014:
Chicago Fuhrer Rahm Emmanuel has been closing schools left and right, as a way of freeing up budget dough to benefit needy corporate donors.

Now, as an international, even cosmopolitan operation, Daily Limerick tries not to focus too much on its town of residence, except in cases, like this one, where larger trends are addressed.

But while we're on the local topic, we'll also mention that while the Daley mayors were certainly just as crooked and on-the-take, they at least got things done--and heads rolled over screw-ups, while Emmanuel... Ahem. Cosmopolitan.

Some Chicago parents are upset that certain city schools are asking parents to pony up extra money for school supplies and such. Chicago Public Schools, a front for Emmanuel's dictatorship, released a statement on this, explaining that "school fees are for 'extras' that students need."

"Extras."

"Need."

Given the definitions of these two words... Hmmm.

Which reminds us of another reason we can't stand Fuhrer Emmanuel.

The Daleys were at least very, at times painfully, Chicago.

Emmanuel? One hundred percent Washington, D.C...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2014:
Old saying just starts to assize--
"Time flies when you're having fun." Wise,
but calls for fine tuning.
Four words cry for pruning
'cause, fun or not, simply, "Time flies."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2014:
The National Football League, in light of the criminal antics of Ray Rice, is "revamping" its policy on domestic violence.

What? You expected them to already have some policy in place against punching a woman in the face?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2014:
A chipmunk, amid mad fall dash
for nuts, paused to go for some gash,
but she wasn't willing--
her den needed filling!
So she bit him in his nut stash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2014:
Is it okay to dance white after Labor Day?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2014:
"Rain's start, 5 a.m."--forecast's call,
midnight as I'm watching...drops fall?
This "meteorology's"
reliability's
like scammer with crystal ball!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2014:
Since a whole lotta hubbub has arisen over Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice's domestic violence incident, and its ensuing penalty from the National Football League, the NFL scrutinized plans for last week's broadcast of the Ravens-Pittsburgh Steelers Thursday Night Football game. And they made some changes.

Now, the NFL has, for years now, been apparently attempting to fuse big games with awards show hoopla, so they carefully rejiggered some of the modern music accompanying the broadcast. Including...axing a tune from Rihanna from the plans?

Puzzling, no?

The only possible explanation we can glean is because Rihanna was a domestic violence victim herself, as you may have heard.

So they're punishing the victim?

Who does the NFL think it is--a Republican congressional candidate?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/14/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Richmond Arts Festival
This is almost justifying a standing intro to this section but... Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers well know (or should) that I've been living between a country home and city home for months now, and will be for the foreseeable future, after losing both parents in less than a year and a half, left to deal with the family estate and... Enough on that. You know where to look (Archives) if not up to speed.

For a few months I tried the idea of keeping the country, family home, living there while working and having a life in the city but... Ain't gonna work so well.

Being an artsy, perhaps even artsy-fartsy guy, and tinkering with starting a life in the country (or re-starting one, as I grew up there), I hit an arts festival out this way on a rare weekend day off work.

Specifically, the Richmond (Illinois) Arts Festival.

Festival, my ass.

Yeah, I suppose "festival" is subjective--for the boonies, it may indeed have qualified as a bona fide festival. And, sure, I'm used to such events within the City of Chicago, the third largest city in the United States, so my perspective is skewed on that account but... Again--festival, my ass.

Now, I attended on a Sunday, with the Main Day probably having been Saturday. But... Six artist's booths? About as many festival attendees?

There was actually a cop "directing traffic." It all screamed, "Mayberry!"

So there I was. Out of the house early-ish and prepared for a whole day of festival-going, for a festival that took about five minutes to take-in.

I wandered the streets of "downtown" Richmond. Even hit not one, but TWO coffeehouses.

Honestly, it was then, walking that sunny, "downtown" Richmond sidewalk, that I first started overcoming my denial, that denial enforced by a strong desire to somehow keep the family home, thinking, albeit in the far back of my head, the thought immediately extinguished by this denial... "How am I ever gonna make a life for myself out here?"

This general storyline's gonna be haunting Sunday Story Time for some time, SYGs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2014:
Football's critics cry, "Mere ploy; base!"
o'er Ray Rice fit punishment case!
Guess play'rs' moral history
quashed need for policy
'gainst punching chicks in the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2014:
It is a sad fact of our modern society that many live their lives lonely.

There are those among this group that are nonetheless well adjusted, describing themselves as, "alone--but not lonely."

Then there's a segment of people who are alone but, generally, fine with that--they'd in fact be happy living solo in some woodland cabin...except for the sex thing.

Guess you'd call these folks, "bone-ly"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2014:
Can't wear white past Labor Day, right?
(Like most guys, on fashion, ain't bright!)
Stashed white clothes 'til May,
but, post-Labor Day...
Well, is it okay to DANCE white?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2014:
Now, "zero tolerance" is apparently the new "thinking outside the box."

Or... Well, not sure which came first, but it's a now near-meaningless-through-overuse, corporate-y cliche.

So, is there such thing as, say, "fifteen percent tolerance"? Anything between outright acceptance and "zero tolerance," other than the "fifty percent" tolerance of the NFL's domestic violence policy?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2014:
One opens nearby... So why pay more?
Walmart Express! Though cheapos savor...
How so low, low pricey?
One day, produce dicey
proves old rule--you get what you pay for!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2014:
Now, I'm a big fan of Taco Bell, but... Taco Bell breakfast?

That's what you call, "Asking for it"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2014:
Fall's call leaves some nursing dismembered soul;
spring's rebirth like fire's dying ember coals...
That's life, so why hate it?
I say celebrate it!
Folks, let's all dance 'round the...September Pole!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2014:
Can it really be 19 years today since the death of Orville Redenbacher?

In short...yes.

We recall something about him dying in a hot tub, with or without a bevy of bikini babes but... Whoah, how that world has changed. Like everything, thanks largely to BP.

What? No, not the oil company. I'm talking about the insidious industry of Big Popcorn...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2014:
At first, wacky stunt for one's muse to pull!
Take any flick, song/dance infuse it full!
Once brilliance employing
is now just annoying--
go back to, "Musical: The Musical"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2014:
Daily Limerick Special Announcement--

International Salisbury Steak Day has been set for Wednesday, September 24th.

See, we consult almanacs and astronomical charts and... Okay, we just await the kick-off of a new, fall "South Park" season.

But, in any event, you can mark your calendars...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2014:
Man fed-up with whole life lived shy,
asked by babe to toast round of rye,
was tossed with a lecture
for toast with a gesture--
raised glass to, "Here's pud in your eye"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2014:
If one builds a fire in a fireplace, one develops a smoky smell on one's hands. If, from there, one touches one's penis, one's penis in turn takes on smoky overtones.

Not entirely sure where we were going with this. Something about smoked meat being commonly regarded as delicious and...something something something...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2014:
TNF's tunes, NFL canned from slate...
Rihanna? For "No Vi'lence" planned mandate?
Blame victim? Bizarre!
Who they think they are--
Congressional GOP candidates?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2014:
What's with watches being all the rage now?

We're noticing these on all the hipsters lately--now that watches are completely unnecessary, what with everyone having GPS-synched phones and all.

So what's next? Are people going to start carrying around...newspapers?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/21/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: September Morn
It happens to be a September Morn as I type this, um, entry...which really in a non-entry for this week's edition, although I do enjoy annually getting this song stuck in the heads of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Should Story at you next week...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2014:
You'd think, from ad-shill weasels' gumption,
bane, modern life? Blocked sex compunction!
Mudslinging, low turnout votes?
What we need's antidote
to cure "Elect-ile Dysfunction"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2014:
The whole reason for existence of this ISIS group is its "outrageous" demand to create a country ruled by Islamic religious law.

Of course, its campaign of beheadings is intolerable. And they're pushing for a huge chunk of land for this country but... Is it really that outrageous to envision a nation ruled by a religion?

We already have the Vatican. And, closer to home for American readers, Utah...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2014:
Heart's, "Let me go Crazy on You,"
as young boy, steamed me up! Whoo-hoo!
Now, with years of dating
and poor choices mating,
words bring diff'rent way to construe!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2014:
We witnessed a new one recently.

A woman praying behind the wheel. The traditional, two-hands-clasped way.

Just a new front in the American Pastime of Distracted Driving...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2014:
Dig Taco Bell--fast, cheap to score it!
Now offering...breakfast? Ads roar it!
I've gotta draw line somewhere--
go for it, if you dare...
(That's what you call, "Askin' for it"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2014:
Happy Extra Cheezy International Salisbury Steak Day!...

(Fall Season debut of new "South Park" episodes, you know)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2014:
Though many among us are lonely,
can be 'lone, yet not in that zone be!
Then some, like me'd, be just fine,
deep in woods, 'mong the pines...
'cept for sex. Call us types, "bone-ly"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2014:
Male Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers certainly know about those "How to Pick-Up Chicks" books, and we're sure that, like us, you've known guys who treat these things like bibles--memorizing, quoting, etc., et. al.

We're sure many Grasshopperettes know of these, too, but likely not as, um, intimately and... Ugly guy thing, ladies.

Now, these books do carry useful, real advice...not that we know firsthand or anything.

Nonetheless, have any of you known any of these pick-up bible thumpers who've been any good with women? Who even occasionally canoodle with women?

Curious, no?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2014:
All, schools to jobs, blue and white collar, dance
to pose cliched, hooted and hollered stance...
or have it appear so!
Truth? It's rarely zero--
take NFL's "Ten percent Tolerance"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2014:
Saw an ad for Dell World.

Remember Dell Computers? Guess they're still around. What's more, in November, they're holding this Dell World convention or what-have-you.

Oh we have experience with Dells. And in this case, attempts at frugality brought... Well, let's just say there's no need to crash Dell World.

Those Dells will handle more than enough crashing all by themselves...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2014:
Joe Friday met Tuesday on Monday;
on Wednesday, they both took a fun day!
On Thursday, she said, "Okay,"
to hot date Saturday...
He banged her nine ways 'til Sunday!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2014:
Often find those cable-TV, on-screen grid mini-reviews of flicks to be a source of amusement.

Recently read of a "gut-busting" comedy that only netted one star.

Not sure how such a thing happens. Then again, do recall some movies with awful plots that... Actually, those were more "nut-busting"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2014:
So... Watches? Now all-the-rage style?
Thought cells sent them to Style Exile!
What? 'Cause they're unneeded,
cry, "I'm high-class seeded"?
Why not just bring back the sundial?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2014:
Do porn stars say they're, Takin' Care of Jizzness?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 9/28/2014:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Still Dancing Around the September Pole...
...And we're almost into October! We'll try next week, amid all the chaos here... By the way, where is everybody else out at this September Pole? Kinda lonely out here...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2014:
Though ISIS' tactics are brute raw,
a nation with religious root laws
ain't rare, e'en 'mong modern man.
Why, take the Vatican!
Or, closer to home, there's Utah!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2014:
This just in--

Superheroes are dumb.

Sure, some of us at Daily Limerick wax a bit nerdy, but... Okay, many of us. Most of us.

Alright, then, all of us at Daily Limerick have our nerd tendencies, but superheroes are silly as all hell. Not that we don't, er, didn't read comics back in the day, but with MAD and Archie available... Just never got the superhero thing.

Unrealistic storylines and powers and plots.... And what's with those costumes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Escapism and all that piffle. Struck us as unrealistic--in fact, ludicrous--even as shavers.

Just don't get it. The literary equivalent of pro "wrestling"...Some of the most annoying pop cultural icons are now a Cyrus and a Thicke.

What year is this, again?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2014:
New National Pastime, all playing?
It's Distracted Driving! Each day brings
a new revelation
on Brain-Elsewhere Nation!
The latest? Saw Driving While...Praying?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2014:
There's a spot in the latest Taylor Swift tune where she does a little white girl rap dilly.

Of COURSE there is.

Now, we haven't done a full study of this phenom, but it seems that only white performers are somehow obligated to do this. Take a non-rap song but, perhaps as a half-assed attempt to garner a more urban listenership, squeeze in a little section of rap, out of nowhere, before proceeding back to the non-rap music.

Go ahead and call us grumps pooh-poohing the latest trends. We've been pooh-poohing this one since...the '80s?...