Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: April 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2015:
From basket, snack or party favor,
those rabbits of choc'late, I savor!
Dig solid; no hollow!
Munch while label, follow…
Huh? What the hell? Milk chocolate…flavored?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2015:
With the Easter Season winding down, it got me to thinkin'… Why don't they have solid chocolate animals for EVERY holiday season? Next up, say, a Fourth of July Eagle?... Labor Day Beaver or something?... Etc., etc., et. al.?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2015:
I've phobia--I must confess!
Starts with a quick glance, getting dressed…
Make sure--I look twice--
at mobile device…
iPhobia--fear new OS!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2015:
For all you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers curious about this home renovation and HGTV stuff, here's the low-down on renovation as it relates to preparing a home for sale-

Shell-out to make all sorts of changes you don't want to paint/tile/kitchens/bathrooms--not for you, of course, but for the prospective buyer…who, once he/she/they become(s) the actual buyer, will toss out all of your changes and shell-out for their own changes to paint/tile/kitchens/bathrooms.

Seem like a waste of money? Hey, the American economy would crumble without it!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2015:
Whole new types of spam out to snag ya'--
on Facebook, with pics, spam now tags ya'!
Seems fool-money masses'
main bait's now…sunglasses?
So shades are now the New Viagra?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2015:
And now it's time for a Daily Limerick Public Service Announcement--

Home owners and apartment lease holders! Seeking to make some extra money with your extra space by taking on a roommate? Well…DON'T, whatever you do!

Under the laws of Chicago, and many other cities, we assume, should you ever want said roommate to leave the premises, legally… Well, the ROOMMATE becomes acting "owner" and you have NO RIGHTS! The law doesn't phrase it that way but, trust us, that's the case.

If times are so tight that you can't afford a place without a roommate, consider homelessness. It's a lot easier, legally, to kick someone out of your cardboard box than, you know, out of a place that's simply has trifling legal documentation nicknaming you "owner"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2015:
A dude thought, "It's time for spring cleaning!"
Hired French maid! Soon, eyes were spring beaming!
She bent down to dust,
so nut he did bust--
a rejuvenating spring reaming!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2015:
We're sure you're all familiar with the philosophical question about a tree falling in the forest with no ear to hear it.

So, considering that on social media sites, it's all about celebrating one's self, posting selfies, what one ate for dinner, etc., giving cursory attention, at best, to what anyone else is saying… Well, the question is this--

Does social media really exist?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2015:
Yay, Easter! A time of rebirth,
as signs of life re-dot the Earth!
Been so long in coming,
Mojo near stopped humming--
'fact, almost cried out for re-mirth!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/5/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Come See the Human Bedbug!
Okay, not really--it's freakin' Easter, so no edition today… But I should've sold tickets to see that titular attraction…sorta coming to Sunday Story Time soon, so we got in a promo, of sorts, if not an edition…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2015:
Spur exercise? Daniel Plan's trick?
For Jesus! (I'm gonna be sick…)
Tip for sugared pill--
don't use as a shill
that noodle-neck chub, Pastor Rick!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day!... (For those not in the know--imbibe leftover eggs, kielbasa and beer!)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2015:
This group, "Boko Haram," makes hay
of terror sort, seems, each few days!
Such hype, me, annoys!
Sure must be some ploy
for classic rock radio play!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2015:
So France has banned the use of "ultra-thin" models, so that… Positive body image, blah blah yadda yadda.

See, the Western World's fighting the likes of ISIS in the name of "freedom." Except for ultra-thin models. And those who would create "hate speech." And smokers. And… Are there any ancient cultural sites featuring ultra-thin statues WE should be bulldozing?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2015:
No more choc'late rabbits, post-Easter?
Solid choc'late treats can't be ceased here!
Memor'yal Day? Choc. dog tags!
July Four? Solid flags!
Solid, year-round, choc'late feasters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2015:
Have found myself terrorized lately by the Apple That Ate Tokyo.

Okay, plural…and they haven't really eaten Tokyo. Or even Toledo. Just these softball-sized apples from the grocery, the only ones available, for some reason, as I like to buy them by the bag, eating one a day for a breakfast-y thing… Where the hell did they get these--Paul Bunyon's great-grandson or something?

I suppose I could chop them in half for two days' worth, wrapping the next day's in foil or something, but… Yeah, in the grand scheme of thing, not the heaviest hardship, but these jobs won't only keep the doctor away, they'd knock doc unconscious if heaved accurately…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2015:
France banned models who're "ultra-thin,"
as West wars with ISIS o'er sins
'gainst… "Freedom"? Yes, Freedom!
Join 'em, if can't beat 'em?
Bulldoze art that stokes bod. chagrin?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2015:
So an e-mail address is now pretty much just a spam collector, apparently?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2015:
My post-prime time TV set brings
ads so weird and fright'ning, they sing!
One even names band--
"Dames, gents, welcome Trans-
Vag'nal Mesh and the Pelvic Slings!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2015:
April again brings spring showers…the sky remains blue…and Rand Paul is running for president…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2015:
With the massage industry trending,
a dude, quite in need of loins tending,
picked seediest one!
Did fire off his gun,
but also had a "clap-py ending"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2015:
Some of us here at Daily Limerick have personally experienced societal discrimination based on…size. Body size? Sizeism?

It's like the whole world's designed to exclude us. Commercials, TV shows, selfie media posts, movies--you name it.

We're fed up with this prejudice directed against us simply because we are NOT overweight and are NOT perpetually striving for weight loss!

We can't realistically expect the weight-loss scheme ads to stop, but if another restaurant goes shrinking our portions, look out…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2015:
Bruce Jenner, "reality" cat,
like O.J., once wore Athlete Hat!
Would have been great legacy!
Don't you wish, 'long with me,
they'd both have left it at that?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2015:
Having this week hit the anniversary of a certain war of great historical importance to the United States, we're reminded that many types of conflicts are dubbed "wars," despite not meeting the traditional definition of the term. Cold War, War on Drugs, War on Terror, etc.

So we're gonna dub a certain conflict currently affecting the nation, with its bitter partisanship and two competing versions of the "news"… The Uncivil War...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/12/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Cufflinks
I received some rather swell cufflinks as a Christmas gift. In fact, I've received two swell pairs that way, the last two Christmas Seasons.

Despite the fact that I must dress formally for my main gig (both pairs being gifts from my boss/company), I haven't worn them. I don't even know how to "install" the things, or whatever you call it. For whatever reason, I have never owned cufflinks before these.

After receiving the first pair, I asked Dad if he knew how to put them on and he said he did. But I didn't have them with me at the time. Now, I wish I had. Now, I wish I would've made a point of bringing them along for the next visit to Dad.

Now, Dad is dead. Passed away a little over a year ago.

Like most, in fact, more so than most fathers, Dad taught me many things. He was a Renaissance man. In the years leading up to his death, it became more important for he to teach me things, rather than me to learn--age has a way of garnering a desire to feel useful. Dad's wisdom was highly useful right up to his deathbed, though his ability to physically do and/or show how to do handy things had greatly diminished.

At some point over the past…five, ten years, I think, Mom urged me, upon having my eyeglasses fall apart, to let Dad fix them with the tiny screwdriver/kit I have for such purpose. I'd been planning to fix them myself, but Dad was far more mechanically inclined than I and, most importantly, as Mom put it, "It's good to give him things to do, so he feels useful."

Age brings slow decline, but Dad rapidly declined after Mom died in December 2012. One week he'd fall, requiring medical attention, the next week he was tumbling regularly. One week he'd need help to button his shirts, the next he declared himself done with driving altogether. Always a sad situation, but especially so for a man so proud and accomplished.

Dad died of uselessness. Oh, he most certainly was not useless--I had wanted to learn more of his investing know-how, as one example--but he dubbed himself so and, really, that was the end. His will to live replaced with a will to die.

Had he indeed showed me how to wear cufflinks, I don't really think it would've saved him. But you never know. And it couldn't have hurt.

I know many people I could ask about cufflink wear. And I'm sure there are instructions on YouTube and the Internet at large. I'm also sure that some day I'll figure them out and wear those cufflinks.

But for some reason, despite my pairs being visible among my household path to dressing and readying, I just don't feel like dealing with them now…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2015:
California Closets? Construe
some funny bizness, in brand, brews!
I can't help but posit
that these are the closets
a'housing the likes of Tom Cruise!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2015:
"Bi-curious." He hee.

Whaddaya you all think of that term?

I think we've a new one for it now. "Fifty Shades of Gay"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2015:
This thing we call, "home renovation"?
Consumer, group, wild masturbation!
Buy new stuff you don't want;
new owners just toss, junk…
Economy runs on Waste Nation!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2015:
We're seeing these things all around town that we're calling "sports utility strollers"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2015:
Bought apples--eat one/day… This joke, though?
These hoggers? So large, horse, could choke! Whoah!
Best size? One fruit serving!
These beasts are unnerving--
think one's the Apple That Ate Tokyo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2015:
Lessons on life…from Doritos.

Sorta.

See, Doritos is always tossing out these new flavors. Many crazy. Many, in fact, butt crazy. Of course, the "new, crazy" ideas of today may become the classics of tomorrow. I remember when Cool Ranch was a newfangled twist, myself.

These new flavors are risky. For every, say, Late Night Cheeseburger (which I greatly enjoyed), there are a half-dozen, perhaps even a dozen Late Night Tacos (the Godawful counterpart to the delightful Cheeseburger counterpart).

I almost always go for the Nacho Cheese. Not Spicy Nacho Cheese or any other variance, but the trusted and delightful original. Occasionally, I grab a Taco flavored, likewise with no silliness. Straight up.

Recently, wanting to shake up my snacking life, I grabbed Doritos in the Salsa Verde variety. I recalled trying it when new and liking it. I'd figured it'd went the way of Sour Cream and Onion, but here it was, proving staying power.

Still a good flavor. Won't replace my Nacho Cheese at the top of the list, but worth regular revisits.

So, emboldened by this shaking up of my snacking life, although I really hadn't tried anything new… Perhaps emboldened by Salsa Verde's proving itself, I tried… Doritos JACKED Spicy Street Taco.

Won't be revisiting that one. They just can't tinker with the Taco properly somehow.

Life lesson in there.

If you look hard enough…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2015:
Here's "forest tree falls/no ear" twist!
Main use, Facebook, selfie's the gist--
all post, with few "hearing"!
Philosopher's query?
So does Facebook really exist?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2015:
Let's all agree together to completely stop using the phone.

Okay, these days "phone" can mean e-mail, texting, the Web and more--but we're talking about the traditional, outdated, inferior, two-people-have-to-connect-at-the-same-time-to-talk definition of "phone."

And, as the bad comics say, don't get us started on video chatting-step backwards, really, tech-wise, when you think about it. Even worse than the phone--you have to connect at the same time AND make yourself presentable.

Texting and e-mail, etc., have been invented. We can communicate, each on our own time and schedule, when convenient, think out our replies, etc.

Bag the damn phone. No reason for it...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2015:
E-mail came as gift from tech sector!
Now? Worth's subject to much conjecture!
Few friends, fam'ly use these days!
Seems to me, email's place
is solely as spam collector!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2015:
So Hillary marks another Clinton running for president…and we still may end up with yet another Bush, this means… Damn! ALREADY with this crap?... Guess we get more than a year and a half of this, folks...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2015:
A girlie, young, perky and spry,
did shots with dude crafty and sly!
Each round, toasts they traded!
He patiently waited
to offer, "Here's pud in your eye!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2015:
Thought we glanced one of those selfie media "news" headlines about some male celebrity requiring "penile monitoring"… Some form of trouble with that…either a sex crime or the guy has a new girlfriend...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2015:
Damn tired of this discrimination!
Where's my peeps in med'ya? I'm ragin'!
No use for your "diets"!
Shrink my meals? Don't try it!
Knock off thin folk Jim Crow, Fat Nation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2015:
Get your bets in early, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

Who will end up the more ridiculously looking "woman"--Bruce Jenner, or…Khloe?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/19/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I'll Never Buy Shampoo
Among the belongings my father left behind, which I now own, was a certain collection.

There are, of course, levels of collections. Some are downright serious matters. Such as those who buy, say, comic books, but never dare to open them--straight to a plastic protector.

Since people tend to collect things that they like, most people aren't quite that serious about collections. The inherited one of Dad's was at the other spectrum of collections.

Those tiny hotel shampoo/conditioner/lotion/etc. bottles. Being an airline pilot, he happened upon those quite often. Perhaps it was more practical than a proper collection, actually--hotels just throw the open ones away, right? So why not use the insides?

Since I keep my hair pretty short… Well, see today's title…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2015:
Some conflicts are, from days of yore,
dubbed "war"--without armies--in lore!
Cold War, War on Drugs…
Now, partisan thugs
bring new one--our Uncivil War!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2015:
So singer Michael Buble has been accused of "body shaming" by posting a… Huh?

"Body shaming"?

We're not the types to prattle on about the alleged "good ol' days," but… Stop the modern world. We wanna get off…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2015:
Guys who are still straight, so they say,
just in a "bi-curious" way?
Dudes, drop the façade!
It's cool in days mod
to be 'mong "Fifty Shades of Gay"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2015:
Left-leaning wingnuts have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that Nestle is still bottling water for profit, despite California's drought.

Wouldn't make any sense to blame the drooling morons buying freakin' water in the bottle, despite having, you know, running water faucets in their homes.

Insensitive to say those folks are creating the market when they're, of course, victims somehow…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2015:
Try something new? Sometimes, it's neat-o!
Sometimes, though, turns ugly as Speedo!
Thus, most mostly savor
time-tested, fave flavors--
that's Life…and it's also Doritos!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2015:
Noticed a strange culinary connection recently.

About once a week have been making these microwavable Indian entrees. Like most of these alleged "meals," these don't fill me up, so I make them along with some form of rice dish.

I can indeed cook, but Life's put me in a convenience meal mode, so I've been using microwaveable pouches for the rice dishes. At first, a pouch of jasmine rice seemed to make the most sense. Then those disappeared from my regular grocers. Then I switched to these microwaveable Thai rices--not Indian, but also Asian, so, again, seemed to make sense.

Now those Thai pouches, too, have disappeared from the shelves. So at first I used some Uncle Ben's varieties--brown, mixed rices, with beans, etc. Then I noticed that these newer Zatarain's pouches were actually the cheapest.

"New Orleans Cajun and Indian food?" I thought at first. "Seems like an odd combo."

But I soon broke down and paired some microwaveable Indian with a Zatarain's dirty rice.

Believe it or not, Indian and New Orleans Cajun go well together.

Only in America!

Or only in my kitchen, anyway…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2015:
Likes abacus, telegram shown
way to Useless, Outdated Zone!
Unlike e-mail/text designed
folks must connect same time?
I say we kill off the phone!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2015:
Overtime.

Content?

See above…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2015:
See folks with tots on monster rollers…
Look out--crush you like giant molars!
They're big as small cars!
I must say these are
best dubbed, "sports utility strollers"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2015:
Since the Media celebrates the Beautiful People constantly, we'll pick up People Magazine when they focus on the Ugliest People…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2015:
Short nymph in hoop skirt--quite a fop!--
sat in dude's lap… Weasel went "pop"!
He slid in, 'tween thighs,
pushed her feet up high…
With skirt, she spun just like a top!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2015:
News on the economy is sure confusing. One day, there's good news about employment, the stock market, etc. Very next day, bad news.

But Tim Tebow found a job, so that's gotta mean things are looking up...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2015:
A Clinton, a Bush…that holds steady…
Paul, Huckabee--year, half ahead be!
The pundits are droolin'
each, in/outs, they're schoolin'…
Main Question--again, this? Already?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy 23rd Anniversary of the Rodney King Riots!... If you're into celebrating such things, anyway…

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/26/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Did We Mention?...
…That we have a rather exciting edition coming soon, especially to long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2015:
Read of athlete, to, law did send
"penile monit'ring"? Is this trend?
Guess in place of time
for some sort sex crime?
Or perhaps just got new girlfriend?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2015:
So now we have other TV stations covering Diane Sawyer's interview of Bruce Jenner.

Alien visitors to our planet would rightfully conclude that this ordeal is far more important than the freakin' State of the Union Address…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2015:
Tim Tebow, fave of Christian mobs,
did land QB gig--lucky slob!
Though no econ. genius,
sure SOMETHING must mean, this--
it's GOTTA prove uptick in jobs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2015:
So a bunch of Native Americans walked off the set of a new Adam Sandler flick, offended at the portrayal of their people and… Well.

The good news is that hack Adam Sandler is falling out of the celebrity circle, obviously, since he's been noted for humor, satire and parody and… That brings us to the bad news.

Getting offended over your culture's portrayal in a comedic send-up? Who do these Native Americans think they are--Muslims?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2015:
United States Melting Pot means
mixed marriage--'mong, too, world cuisines!
'Waved meal in a hurry--
what rice dish with curry?...
Match--Indian and New Orleans!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2015:
Recently, I was walking around Chicago, downtown between gigs with time to kill and a meal to eat, surveying neighborhood options… Chinese… Lebanese… Chicken joint… All sounded good, but I have special dietary needs, so I chose Mexican. I certainly love Mexican food, but have it regularly, while I have Chinese less frequently and haven't ever tried Lebanese.

Those special dietary needs? I'm a tough guy to fill up, especially on the cheap. Mexican hits the mark.

So it ain't exactly taking insulin shots, but I think I deserve SOME pity as a guy in need of large food quantities…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2015:
Bruce Jenner changed sex--went with flow, he!
Good for him! Question's, as he grows she,
which woman 'mong Clan
of Kardashian
will look funnier--Bruce or…Khloe?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2015:
One day last week it was raining in downtown Chicago. Not drizzling or arguably "light." Really do down. So I whipped out my umbrella.

It was still uncomfortably windy, wet and cold with the umbrella, but I noticed an inordinate number of noodlenecks clamoring about in Downtown Chicago without umbrellas. In fact, the majority or folks lacked parasol. I started to assess a percentage, but was frightened to delve deeper into such praeternatural truths of the universe.

April. April Showers. Not exactly obscure facts of the natural world we're dealing with here...