Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: August 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2015:
As gangster tour guide, must say, flirtin's great!
But most dames are from 'round world--hard to date!
A girl from El Salvador…
Hottest yet (keeping score)!
But I could only El Salivate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2015:
Been seeing these late night TV commercials for these adult coloring books called Colorama that… Still wanna argue our assertion that mankind is de-evolving?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2015:
Ring wing-nuts throw tantrums o'er Jenner's
hailed for bein' self--first he, then her!
Compared in memes to Tebow,
faith-bashed! 'Cause, fields, both known…
Jenner, tops; Tim, well…ahem, er…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2015:
Vince Guaraldi's "Linus and Lucy," widely regarded as the Peanuts theme song, now Musaked-up and shilling insurance?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The way of the world, we know.

Nonetheless… (Sigh)…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/2/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Dog Days of Summer
Yup.

A lotta folks use this time of year as an excuse for laziness.

The excuse today relates, really, more to being busy, so maybe I'll just latch on to both, because an edition is not ready for today

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2015:
In a "second childhood" some rubes claim be--
self-help drunk, with bods far from nubile. Me?
I feel firmly beyond child,
yet urges run so wild…
Could I be in "second puberty"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2015:
These commercials heralding Windows 10 and how future generations will be using the same OS?

Curiously they don't mention how they'll still be fixing its bugs…

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2015:
Rick Perry's new stop-shootings clunker?
Arm theater-goers 'gainst punks! Er,
heard similar whacked thing
as "fix" for skyjackings…
So life imitates Archie Bunker?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2015:
So our Twitter app presented an update recently. As opposed to most of these updates, which seem to come every other day or so, we could actually notice a difference in this one.

Without giving details, it screwed it all up.

But, again, despite these updates coming normally at a regular pace, days later we're still awaiting a fix to the last update.

Who the hell does Twitter think it is…Facebook?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2015:
Find it "yum" or "ick," never "so-so," but
I can't get enough! In fact, you know what?
Makes milk, bras and wireless, too!
Here's what I'm gonna do--
make sweet love in tub of coconut!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2015:
Recently learned of something called the veitchberry, a hybrid raspberry-blackberry invented by a guy named Veitch, common only in England.

This sounds like just what the Dr. ordered! Or, at least, just what the DL orders.

Or would like to order.

Mysterious that I'm just hearing about this now. You think the Brits would be trumpeting the veitchberry, considering their only trumpet-worthy cuisine is otherwise, er… Fish and chips, I guess...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2015:
These Windows 10 ads, acting smug?
Show kids'--"future users"--cute mugs?
Leave out, 'mid elation,
future generations
will, too, still be fixing its bugs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2015:
Headline from TruthOut.org, from which one can overdose on liberal dogma--

"Workplace Diversity Still Lacking in U.S. Newsrooms"

Great timing for this cause, now that, if you're lucky enough to be hired in the new industry, you're likely to be laid-off before finishing your first day on the job.

You know what's lacking even more? News WORKPLACES...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2015:
The motto of Chi-Town's no lie--
"The City That Works. True, but I
think there's better slogan!
From years in the know, friends?
"Chicago…Hey! I Know a Guy!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2015:
Why are tabloids still festooning store checkouts, when the same stories are now free in a place called, "the Facebook 'News' Feed"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2015:
A drunk girl with munchies did go nuts
upon a box of dozen donuts
in dude's lap it sat on!
Munched way to a long john--
Bavarian cream launched from blown nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2015:
A TV show exists, "WWE Tough Enough," whereby contestant compete to become WWE "wrestlers."

Professional "wrestling" AND "reality" TV rolled into one! So now it seems programmers are trying to design the perfect show to ensure we'll never, ever watch.

Most interesting about this, er, development is that, after decades now of "reality" TV making reality fake, now we have the fake world of pro "wrestling" being made… Real? "Real"? Fake-real?... It sure gets confusing exactly WHAT is going on here.

Maybe we're gonna see more than Four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2015:
Dot-Com Boom was freight train to trouble;
then Real Estate's, same thing--but double!
Now, "followers," "likes" and "friends,"
all these and more? Pretend!
Our whole damn culture's a Bubble!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2015:
The Chicago Blackhawks' Patrick Kane has been accused of sexual assault.

Just what does he think he's playing for--the NFL?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/9/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Sunday Story Time to End All Sunday Story Times!
Don't doubt that today's title lives up to its name…literally.

Meaning, there will be no more Sunday Story Time in Daily Limerick.

There are a number of reasons for this decision. Originally, Daily Limerick had a sub-purpose of parodying the newspaper--hence a trumped up Sunday edition--but… Well, newspapers are parodying themselves now and… Well, newspapers are more or less dead, at this point, too.

I could give a list of other reasons, but on to the most important one. Part of the reason for Sunday Story Time was to ensure that I was writing something regularly, something non-poetry and non-news commentary, in this case creative nonfiction. But I and my life have been evolving over Daily Limerick's life, and I've reached a point where I want to return to more writing in my own creative mix--e-books, etc. So… Yeah.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that more of my writing is available via the e-book route, with links on this site, off course. And more will be made available in the near-ish future, too.

I'm a bit saddened by this development, even if, by gauging Web traffic, it doesn't appear that Sunday Story Time was a big reader draw, anyway. I could blather more about the history of Sunday Story Time, so slices-of-life regarding it, blah blah, yadda yadda, but that'd be making a Sunday Story Time out of ending Sunday Story Time…which I guess I've just done, anyway.

I still sorta parody the newspaper via Wednesday's "Food" content, although I have other reasons for maintaining that.

And 15 years ain't a bad run. A lotta stories--whole books, in fact--free to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers past, present and future.

It's getting harder and harder for us writers to be paid for our endeavors with this damn Internet and everything else. But now I'm risking making this a double-length farewell edition, so… Not fond of long goodbyes, even if it's too late for that, so goodbye...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2015:
Folks walk 'round with earbuds, which mars
chance I'll say, "Hi!" Like head's in jar!
Tech Age, sure, most on "standby,"
still throws me. But 'splain why
saw chick who wore 'buds in BAR?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2015:
How many snowball's-chance-in-hell Republican candidates does it take to have a debate?

A joke that's complete without a punchline…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2015:
From Michigan Ave. beggar's nook--
not just vet, but war hero's hook!
Brags, attention wrangling,
with sign, grammar mangling?
What's he thing Mag Mile is? Facebook?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2015:
As long as the 2016 Election pool is shaping up as it is… Doesn't Ross Perot have a wife or brother or son or nephew who can throw his/her hat in the ring?... Seriously, even a third cousin--anyone named Perot?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2015:
Burritos! Fold chow in those flaps!
You name what! Full meal in a snap!
And for those who, unlike me,
always count calories?
Fewer they have when called, "wraps"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2015:
Chicago held a Hot Dog Fest this past weekend.

Or, as I like to call it, a "Tuesday"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2015:
Shill coloring books, "Colorama,"
for grown-ups, late TV (in 'jamas)!
So here is my query--
you still think my theory
that we're de-evolving's a sham'a?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2015:
Witnessed someone prattling on about how she was giving up aspartame.

Get the feeling that some of these wellness addicts are running out of unhealthy habits to shake?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2015:
Insurance shill, Peanuts theme? I
should not be shocked! Guess time was nigh…
Though know it's the Way of World,
much on chest, must unfurl…
Unloading here, folks, so… (Sigh.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2015:
Judging from late night TV commercials… Should we be concerned about this apparently huge demographic of folks driving around "illegally," (without insurance)?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2015:
Creative cal seems stuck on Tuesday!
Like what journalists call, "slow news day"!
Had "flowing idea"…
Nope. Art diarrhea!
I guess I dub this a, "slow MUSE day"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2015:
Many holidays, religions, etc. operate on what's known as the Lunar Calendar. That is, not as much focused on our standard January--December calendar as the phases of the moon-close, but off in many ways.

Well… Chief Limericist, here.

I find much of my work and chore schedule to operate around shaving. Wanna be clean shaven for work, but don't want to shave too often, since I tend to cut myself and my skin's sensitive…plus, I trim my own hair, to boot, and try to divvy time-consuming chores between days in an even-ish manner and… well, I sorta operate on a Beard Growth Schedule.

Slow news day, I guess. About as slow as that beard growth, actually…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2015:
Hed--"Lack of Diversity Looms
in Newsrooms." 'Mid Age of News Doomed?
Once news pro, take it from me,
prob's not diversity,
but growing lack of…newsrooms!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2015:
Question for those among the rapidly growing demographic known as GOP Presidential candidates--

While they're dubbed a "minority" for social reasons, are you aware that women number, in fact, about 50 percent of the population?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2015:
So has, from grace, Patrick Kane fell?
All facts not in; truth's hard to tell!
Hockey mostly 'voids crime mire,
but, with smoke, there's oft fire!
He think plays for NFL?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2015:
Have any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers ever seen a security guard who is both under age 60 AND in reasonably decent physical shape?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2015:
Had to check if I were on slate
'mong mass of no-pray'r "candidates"!
Here's joke--how many
members GOP
does it take to…have a debate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2015:
The other day… Well, when the bathroom at the Rock 'N' Roll McDonald's smells nice and clean…something just ain't right in the world. Kinda like L.A.'s subway lacking the scents of urine and, well, death…we're much more comfortable with what we expect…

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2015:
'Burb chain's appetizers called "apps"?
'Mid Shorten All Words Age, but, chaps?
That's already taken!
Plus..lame! God forsaken!
Makes me sick--'fact, gives me the craps!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2015:
Today's Wednesday "Food" brings us a rare Daily Limerick Correction--

In a recent-ish edition, I slammed TGI Fridays, or whatever moniker it's going by now, for gratingly calling appetizers "apps." This is the subject of today's Limerick, although the offending slang-pusher is not identified for good reason.

See, it has since come to my attention that another chain's commercials are the guilty party.

However, I don't recall which restaurant, and with Chili's, Appleby's, etc., et. al., they all blend together and, thus, really, are all guilty of some form of slam, so I'm not felling too badly about it and, in any event, it brought me "Food" content for the day…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2015:
Show "Tough Enough" gives a dice shake
to would-be "wrestlers" seeking break!
Since "reality"
makes real life phony…
What's it do here--with "sport" that's fake?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2015:
Recently, an actress for TV's "Modern Family" had breast reduction surgery, over "misogynistic attention," blah blah blah… We won't name her, because, seriously, she's getting enough attention… Anyway, of course, most women get breast ENHANCEMENT surgery, which we're not big supporters of but… Let's not digress.

So now, we're getting surgery because we look TOO good? Plastic surgery to look JUST RIGHT?

Life imitates… Goldilocks and the Three Bears?... Sorta, in a sick way?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2015:
Head-to-toe dressed Lady in Orange
looked so hot, thoughts reeled out in pornge!
Her digit tips tickled
the hue to dreamsicle
with pigment from brush strokes of spornge!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy…Friday?...

See, today's is a make-up "traditional" Limerick, which we generally do only on Saturdays, because, for various reasons known only to our Chief Limericist, last Saturday's inspiration was, er, de-mused, you could say… In fact, that's all we can really say…except that, trust us, it's not nearly as exciting as you may be imagining…

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2015:
Guys who use Viagra to rock
and end up with bone in ol' sock
that lasts longer than four hours?
Hope their black books empow'r
better call options than doc!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2015:
Okay, if we were actually proud of this, we might dub this a new feature, "Daily Limerick Re-Do," but… Well.

Mentioned some time back that today's pharmaceutical names sound an awful lot like Dungeons & Dragons, "Game of Thrones," etc. characters. But now we have a better example--

"The knight, Xarelto, battles the Dark Lord Crestor for the hand of the fair maiden, Lyrica…"

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2015:
A Bush and a Clinton both throw
hats into Election Ring! So
as long as retro's the tone,
let's see one more hat thrown
from son, cuz--SOMEONE--Perot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2015:
You know something we don't hear, but should?

Polish mafia jokes.

Have at it, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2015:
Selfie network scroll found some dame
jonesin', for she quit…aspertame?
Get feeling wellness addicts
hit wall for getting fix--
new things with "bad for you" claims!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2015:
This annoyance known as "iOS autocorrect" recently began recognizing and suggesting words helpful to us, like DailyLimerick.net.

In fairness, perhaps it has "known" such things for some time. Just noticed, though. Took it so damn long we'd given up watching for it.

It's a step in the right direction, but still better dubbed autoscrewup…

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2015:
Pubs die, yet tabloids thrive, like weeds!
Despite fact there's no longer need!
Dirt, triv'ya, lists thrown at us
with stars' updates status?
Selfie networks free "'news' feeds"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2015:
In addition to such questionably famous types as "Internet celebrities" and "'reality' TV stars," we now also apparently have "spam celebrities."

If you have a Web site, aka spam magnet, you see certain faces over and over in the brief moment it takes to move this obnoxious e-pollution into a "spam" folder. Actually, if you have ANY e-mail address for more than a few years, you get this.

Currently, Rachael Ray is the top spam celebrity, at least judging from our piles of waste. Apparently she…lost weight, we think? Likely using whatever product is subject of this spam.

We're approaching an age where children will grow up dreaming of one day being NOT famous (or at least not "famous")…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2015:
Found, as list of fests I perused… Hey!
Missed Hot Dog Fest! Felt in a blues way!
Yet couldn't too long feel down--
I'll make it, next time 'round!
("Hot Dog Fest's" what I call, "Tuesday"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2015:
Yo, Vegan Evangelists! You know who you are, pushing your agenda via selfie media posts and such.

As "progressives" and "liberals" and such, you're the same types who'll jump down someone's throat, rightfully we'll add, for pushing a religious or political agenda upon others, right?

Yeah, you may have scientific points on your side, such as the environmental costs of meat farming, but… Well, bees, as one example? Avoiding honey because it technically comes from an animal?

Dogma's not just a river running through Red States…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2015:
Late night ads… These fear-shill manure
or real threat, for which, offers cure?
A real demographic
of folks out in traffic
driving around, yet uninsured?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2015:
Is there a Proctologist to the Stars?

Just wondering. Has to be some go-to guy among the Hollywood set. Someone, you know, with his finger on the pulse of…well, his finger, er…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2015:
Do those seeking Pres. seat of nation
among the GOP persuasion
know that group called "women" be,
though dubbed "minority"
half the voting population?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2015:
I have a confession.

Chief Limericist, here.

Over the years, I've went back on my word, so to speak, regarding… Well, politically, but also personally, mostly regarding trends. We've also asserted here in Daily Limerick that there's nothing wrong with this--that's how folks evolve; call them "flip-floppers" if you will, but flipping and flopping is also a sign of growth and maturity. Of course, one can also be flighty and/or a sell-out, but… We'll stick to one can of worms today.

At one point, I said I'd never, ever be on Twitter. In fact, I might've urged Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to kill me if I ever did. And I currently am, although I still hate it. Going further back, I once stated I'd never get a laptop, as I preferred to write in notebooks and could always type my scrawling electronically when I'd return to my desktop.

Crazily flip-flopped on that one. Today I do almost everything through, not just a laptop, but my iPad.

Now… Online dating.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've said a whole lot about that one, forest preserves and all.

Not proud of it. Not expecting anything to come of it--still hoping it'll be just an experiment and I'll find my Soul Mate the old fashioned way. In fact, unless outrageous stories arise or slices of life that tell Greater Human Truths, as with all my personal stuff, you may hear nothing else on this.

But thought I should mention it, being a long-time, tough critic of the phenom.

But since it's just as human to maintain at least one stubborn-headed irrationality, you'll still never catch me wearing sandals...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2015:
Guy, single, felt under the weather,
and wanted to kick bug together
with girlie who'd baby 'em!
Black book! Found "maybe," hmm…
Soon he was under the Heather!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2015:
"America's Next Weatherman."

Can we stress enough that we were just KIDDING when we predicted folks would eventually make a hit of "Watching Paint Dry"?

Well, we THOUGHT we were kidding… Oh, we PRAY we were kidding…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2015:
Security guards don't wear capes,
but guard against theft, murder, rape!
Small comfort, 'spite some's guns--
has anyone seen one
remotely near youth or in shape?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2015:
We're facing outrage pollution now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

This time over the Spirit Halloween Caitlyn Jenner costume. Over which, in fact, we're near-outraged ourselves, considering this is in the news already in freakin' August.

On the heels of our mentioning that "Modern Family" diva's breast reduction and the new phenom of Goldilocks plastic surgery (not to be too attractive or unattractive, but just right)… Doesn't work that way, Cait. You can't be famous--in fact, at a level of Kardashian fame pollution--yet not be made fun of.

Equally unattainable is Goldilocks fame…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2015:
Hit bathroom at Rock-Roll McDs;
quite clean and smelled like…springtime breeze?
Though that'd sure change, long 'fore night,
Universe seemed not right…
Should smell like urine and sleaze!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2015:
First, that whackadoodle dentist shot the lion, which… Well, either an endangered species officially or practically so.

Now another shoot-'em-up in our New Wild West shoots another endangered species…a couple of journalists…