Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: December 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2015:
So Facebook works to add to mix
a tool to help manage-ex- tricks!?
Oh, THAT'S ripe for rippin',
but, to pond, won't dip in,
'cause… Frankly, I'm gonna be sick!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2015:
Don't we all wish we had a sex partner who went down as often as Healthcare.gov?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2015:
In snack frenzy, raid fridge and… Hey!
A frozen, soft pretzel! Hooray!
'Wave up!... Seems it sat a bit;
texture like dog biscuit!
Hunger trance--eat anyway!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2015:
A full-on, honkin' to-do is being made of "The Great Holiday Baking Show."

See, this is exciting because they take flour and… Hmm.

It's amazing to watch folks talk recipes and, um, well, take all this time making stuff that you can't taste through video and… Hmm.

Yup. Can't wait for "The Great Holiday Baking Show" because…er… ZzzzzzzZZZzzzzzz…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2015:
Scream the frothing mongers of fear,
"Ban Syrians from coming here!"
So's first realm in history
all, with kook rule, agree?
From legal way, nuts won't veer?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2015:
So the New York City Department of Health is cranking up a War On…Salt.

A few years down the line, don't rule out a Salty Snack Tax or even a new front combatting secondhand salt.

New York City having, apparently, eliminated crime, racism, etc., et. al...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2015:
Commercial, TV, leaves no clue,
as to just what's shilled--can't construe!
Could go searching 'Net,
but it, go, I'll let,
'cause that's what they want us to do!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2015:
From a story in the "liberal" rag, TruthOut.org--

"Many people in France are concerned that the government is using the Paris attacks to justify excessive security measures…" Hmm.

Where have we in the U.S. heard that before?... Hmmm… Hmm, indeed...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2015:
A hot, festive girlie, bit dumb, stalled
at Yule party's snack spread, 'cause tum called!
Swirled treat 'round mouth, with tongue play;
rather tall man did say,
"Please don't stop--but those ain't rum balls!"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2015:
We think the perfect name for a brothel, whorehouse, cathouse, what-have-you would be…a "beavery"...

Merry Jingle-y Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2015:
Late night lawyer shill notes real bitch--no bull!
"Bleeding incident"? More habitual
legalese/ad hack word play!
Tough gig here, but must say,
sounds like a damned Aztec ritual!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2015:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Meant to make a mental note or jot down the actual name of the place, but passed a business recently, in a large business space, open regular retail-y hours, dedicated solely to the service of tattoo removal.

Sorta the dark side of '90s retro, no?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2015:
We all seek, in our quests for love,
a Soul Mate who fits like a glove!
When it comes to foolin' 'round,
dream mate's one who goes down
often as Healthcare.gov!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2015:
From the ol' e-mail "In" box--

"Holiday Drug Detoxing"

Spam has its own way of, um…celebrating the Season…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2015:
The Big Mother cult just won't halt!
"Save us from 'Selves," dogma exalts!
New York (guess they've stopped all crime)
goes after salt this time!
Repent or…secondhand salt!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2015:
Recently noticed, at the grocery store, huge lines for the automatic checkout lanes…with short lines for those quaint lanes manned by actual human beings.

See, these automatic checkouts save time, so these folks had to wait extra time to… Hmm…
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DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2015:
"Great Holiday Baking Show," see this?
Though most "real" TV runs on D-List…
Can't taste, or smell, through TV!
New low, "reality"--
this turkey's all about Zzz-List! 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2015:
Caught a Little Caesar's commercial where they dubbed their pizza, "Detroit style."

Aww… Low-hanging fruit, sure, but still having a hard time making fun of Detroit, all things considered...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2015:
As France ramps up its Terror War,
its measures have many implore,
"Hands off Civil Liberties!"
Curious, golly gee,
where have we heard this before?...

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2015:
Attempting to remain in that "Good Will to All Mankind" mindset while pondering the idea of a (shudder) Donald Trump presidency… He does share one thing in common with many of our early presidents and Founding Fathers--as an ideal candidate for a powdered wig…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2015:
Saw "Tattoo Removal" biz? Let's know
big market here--huge office, metro!
An odd walk down Mem'ry Lane!
A bit hard to explain…
Call it some dark '90s retro?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2015:
So these fear-drunk (and, let's be honest, racism-drunk, too) "ban Syrian immigrants" types are now citing President Jimmy Carter's ban of Iranian immigrants during the 1970s hostage crisis to support them.

Carter? The former president they're always, er, "praising," especially for his handling of that crisis?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2015:
There once was a smooth, horny nutcracker,
so charming, had real, tell you what, knack fer
seducing the ladies!
'Til this day, they say he's
best known by one title, the Slutcracker!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2015:
You could say that a pianist with a thing for brown sugar "tickles the ebonies"…

Merry Winter Wonderlandy Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2015:
When soldiers go off on a leave, wild, free,
or lack of love makes guy feel fevery,
in need of quick lady lace,
many names for such place…
I say, they seek out a "beavery"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2015:
Rampant Redundancy Alert--

This time of year we see reference to these things constantly but don't believe the extra adjective necessary because… Well, we've never encountered a NON-ugly Christmas sweater…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2015:
From trees, decked halls, lights to chimney socks,
all merry--and Yule'd-up like peacocks!
Why, even my spam's
got Spirit in shams!
How festive--a "Holiday Detox"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2015:
Two nuns walk into a Walmart.

What? Oh, you're expecting a joke here? Well have at it! I'm just telling you what actually happened the other day…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2015:
So Trump seeks the President gig
by on Bill of Rights dancing jig?
Does sort of have one trait
in common with Pres. greats--
he'd look better in powdered wig!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2015:
According to Facebook's Year in Review, the U.S. Presidential election tops the list of most talked about topics in 2015.

Thanks, Facebook. Who'd have ever guessed?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2015:
Some ads, Little Caesar's, do dial-
up fact that pizza's…"Detroit style"?
There's wellspring of jokes here!
World piles on, so steer clear--
to joke 'bout Detroit now seems vile!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2015:
Grabbed a box of Cap'n Crunch Christmas Crunch finally.

It's been around for…at least a couple of years. Not entirely sure why it took me this long but… Anyway.

It's really Crunch Berries, with the berries Christmas Tree- and star-shaped. Plus a Christmas-y box. Perhaps suspecting this is why I took a while to try it.

Both Christmas and Crunch Berries are delightful, so on one level, gotta give it a spoon's-up.

Nonetheless, was hoping the good Cap'n would've gotten a little festively crazy with this one. Dare I suggest… Crunch Berries with marshmallows?

Perhaps the world's not ready for that. But it is the Season of Miracles, so if you're reading, Santa...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2015:
Those playin' "No Syrians!" card fer
immigration now find strange heart fer
Pres. they love to bash--
'fact, with Right Wings thrash!
And now cite Iran Ban of… Carter?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2015:
An accord to fight terrorism has been signed by 34 Islamic nations.

A convenient list for Donald Trump--of more nations from which to deny refugees if he, you know…if the snowball doesn't melt down in Hell…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2015:
Though some Christmas Season go-getters
have clothes article they unfetter,
word in term should sever,
for's anyone, ever,
seen a non-"ugly" Christmas sweater?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2015:
We're honestly sick of mentioning the guy, but… Well, he's certainly asking for it.

So this spam trend of heralding alleged "Donald Trump memory tricks"?

A guy who can't remember the Bill of Rights, Constitution, etc.?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2015:
As toys met 'neath Tree, air turned colder
with strange effect on Barbie's boulders!
That year, toys brought new thing
to Holiday doings--
with March of the Wood-Bearing Soldiers!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2015:
Having a tough time deciding which overhyped news story we give less of a shit about… The new "Star Wars" flick…or the Zuckerbaby…

Merry Holly Jolly Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2015:
Now Santa, if I may wax catty,
craves piece now and then--got it bad, he!
So for his top gifting,
requires mojo lifting--
some say he's the Sugar Plum Daddy!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2015:
So, with Trump as President, would they let Santa across our borders on Christmas Eve?... Especially considering that giving toys to poor children could arguably be called "socialist"?... Oh, there's a news peg every year for this tired gag, isn't there?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2015:
Jack Frost's known for nipping at nose--
appendage not covered with clothes--
but he's a bit kinky!
Top target? Stop, think… See,
he right off bat, nips at your toes!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2015:
GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush has called fellow GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump a "jerk."

Gee. How's the Donald gonna keep up with this level of scathing insult? Perhaps, oh… "I know you are, but what am I?"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2015:
On rounds, Christmas Eve, Santa hit pub
for break. Left with chick who gave him chub!
His line? Can't purloin!
He asked her to join
a rather exclusive Mile-High Club!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2015:
Caught "Saturday Night Live's" Weekend Update recently.

Still the funniest part of the show, and the only segment guaranteed to bring at least one laugh, but still having a rough time…well, liking the latest hosts.

Oh, that natural human resistance to change coupled with the Big Shoes SNL's history leaves to fill, we're always hard on the newer guys and gals. It always takes us some time but… Well, the process is slower than ever with these dudes.

We'd say we're warming up to them, but it's more… Well, at least we're luke-warming up to them…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2015:
Tried Christmas Crunch, from Cap'n Hallowed!
Creativity, I found shallow!
Its trees? They're just Crunch Berries!
Time of Magic Merry?
Santa, bring that plus marshmallows!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2015:
I myself do, indeed, eat an apple a day. (Does seem to keep the doctor away, as they say, for me as well.)

So I buy them by the bag. Some of these apples have stickers on all or some of the apples within the bag. I believe they identify the apples as coming from Washington State or something?... Anyway, recently I didn't notice stickers on a particular bag's apples until I was almost finished with the bag in question.

I, of course, peel the stickers off before eating but… Well, in this case, I HOPE I peeled all the stickers off before eating...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2015:
Big night calls! All lasses and lads from
Australia to Nome, honkin' glad! Comes
Claus! To kiddies, Good List leave!
You, girl, play Christmas Eve--
I'll play role of Christmas Adam!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2015:
Merrily Cheezy Christmas Eve!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2015:
The ornaments on Christmas Tree,
passed through generations to me,
with my adds to story,
tell tale, fam'ly glory,
bringing Yule Immortality.

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2015:
From all of us and ours at Daily Limerick, to all of you and yours, a Merry, and Extra Cheezy, Christmas! God bless us, every one! (With the possible exception of Donald Trump.)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2015:
And now, to hacks' end-of-year slew,
comes Facebook with Year in Review!
For its year reflection,
top news? The election!
Thanks, Zuck! Without you, what'd we do?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2015:
Every year's entry on this date has been the same for a while, so this year, we're definitely doing something about it.

Yup. This is the year! With all going on in the world, things don't stop, just because it's the day after Christmas and… So.

Taking a glance at today's headlines…well…er… (Sigh)...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!... Do your best, anyway… (Sigh)...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2015:
When pianist's caught in Muse web's intrigue,
"a'ticklin' the ivories," said to be!
And dude craving brown sugar
with black girls in cooker
might be tagged, "ticklin' the ebonies"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2015:
Speaking of hack, recurring content… (Sigh.) Still. But we'll again remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that we're still actually within the Holiday Season, just amid the Holiday Taint.

Happy Extra Cheezy Holiday Taint 2015!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2015:
Some "news," to care 'bout, gotta pay me!
And then, best I can give is, "maybe"!
Of two big streams from Hype Spout
not sure which care less 'bout--
"Star Wars" or spawned ZuckerBaby!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2015:
According to estimates, 400,000 drones sold this holiday shopping season.

So… Happy New Year?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2015:
Drones sold this year, 'mid festive cheer?
400K, estimates veer!
My, that's…interesting.
What it means, still guessing…
So, I guess…er… Happy New Year?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2015:
They say many of History's greatest inventions were accidents--and we have hard evidence that the rule applies to language as well.

It began as a typo, but "Spamish" is, indeed, a real language now.

Unfortunately…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2015:
On Wednesday, a "Food" theme we paint!
Today though… Well, content, there ain't!
But given calendar phase,
'tween two Huge Holidays…
Nibble some Holiday Taint!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2015:
We'll let today's Limerick double as S&Y content today, it being food-related and today being the Eve of the Eve...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2015:
New LEAP Year's Eve! This one should cook!
Fine if, girls, YOU ask ME to hook-
up! Shun conscience balkin's!
Gateway, Sadie Hawkins!
A day to leap before you look!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Leap Year's Eve!...