Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: February 2015
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2015:
For Mr. Cub's Heaven rebirth,
plays ball...with a World Series dearth
for all of eternity!
Strangely, that same Fate be
for the Cubs right here on Earth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2015:
Regarding the hubbub over "American Sniper"... The more things change, the more meaningless partisan titles blend together... Remember when it was "conservatives" who needed reminding, "You don't HAVE to see/read/listen to it?"...

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/1/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I Tried to Pen an Edition for Today...
...I really did. But this Super Bowl...with regular features the Seahawks and (yawn) Patriots yet again... Oh, plus Katy Perry... Having such a hard time staying awake... Zzzz...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2015:
How much winter through must we slog
'til Springtime clears our spirit's grog?
Word anticipating
on what Nature's Fate brings
through messenger... Long live the 'Hog!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2015:
Those target of most my disdain
are idiots--modern day bane!
And some, also bearers
of tidings in terror,
I'm led to dub, "Shiite-for-brains"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2015:
Wake up and the first thing you see out your window is piles and piles of snow. Still coming down, blowing all over.

You hit the bathroom. Crank up the coffeemaker. Everywhere you walk, every window, gives the same view.

Take a glance at your mobile device of choice to find that you're trusty weather app has news... "Blizzard Warning!"

What, oh what would we ever do without modern technology?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2015:
Feel pensive, and when in such mood,
ask, "Meaning of life?" Must conclude,
though beyond mere mortal minds,
in end, believe we'll find
must relate somehow to...food!


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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2015:
We interrupt today's regularly scheduled Food-related content to bring you this special announcement--

As of 05:24 this morning (CST), we're officially halfway through winter and halfway to spring.

Not that anybody here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers is already peeling his eyes for the release of lady skin or anything...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2015:
To me, sorry, X Games seem lame!
(And, like model, corp'rately tamed!)
Yeah, bash--though ain't tried it!
I might get excited
if they mounted "Triple X Games"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2015:
Confucius say, "He who does sit-ups on a carpet not fully cleared of Christmas Tree needles also benefits from acupuncture…at least of random, accidental sort"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2015:
"Reality" TV show "nerds"…
Attractive chicks? Beyond absurd!
Yo! TV Producer Guy--
go back to junior high!
Once was a fine, useful word…

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2015:
Activists are celebrating the fact the next/new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition will boast an ad featuring a plus-sized model…for readers to flip past/ignore, as they do with most ads.

Now, we're on board with this touchy-feely acceptance stuff. As far as is workable, anyway. But we really don't think an ad campaign or…well, anything, actually, will prompt men in general to suddenly be attracted to the "plus-sized," or whatever the P.C. euphemism du jour may be.

But if such a scheme WOULD work, we can't think of a better place to start than with readers who haven't figured out that real porn exists--and is even now free on the Internet…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2015:
Play Romeo-Juliet? Hotter
still's one pair for role-playing blotter!
Star-crossed, legendary
love, though taboo, dared be--
trav'ling salesman and farmer's daughter!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2015:
Confucius say…or maybe he did, anyway… "He who somehow ends up with chapped skin on his forefinger and thumb, in the area between the two fingers, ends up grumpy…unless he gets a little something, or…" Yeah, Confucius said a lot of things, not all of them super-wise, being human, after all...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2015:
"American Sniper"? Superlative…
to some. Others? Hist'ry alternative!
Recall, when we oft did say,
"Don't HAVE to watch/read/play"…
not to "lib'rals" but "conservatives"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2015:
Most of us voluntarily avoid using certain words or phrases. One that begins with "n" comes to mind. Perhaps there are situations, historic or fictional, where using the word would come in handy but, all things considered, it's for the best to just pretend it doesn't exist.

Politicians should consider shunning some extra words and phrases, due to the nature of their positions. One example would be "crusades."

Seriously.

The rest of us should really, really consider doing the same for "LOL"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/8/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Stanley's Magic Sex Lighter
I knew my friend "Stanley" from the metal band I belonged to in high school. A bad cover band with intentions of creating original material and more... That's a whole, 'nother story--in fact told in this space before.

Although I'm guarding his real name, Stanley was part of his real nickname--Stanley Rock. See, he was a bit clumsy, like a TV commercial character at the time, for "non-spillable" Tupperware or some such, Stanley Block. In the ads, Block would knock everything over yet manage to cleanly put his leftovers away.

Guitar player in my band, hence Stanley Rock. In fact, I called him Stan far more often than his real first name.

Stan took a vacation in Los Angeles with his parents--seen as a "scouting mission" by I and my bandmates, as our plan was to move to L.A. after graduation and make it as a band.

Upon this trip, Stan came into possession of a red, Bic lighter. (All of us bandmates regularly smoking various things.) He kept this lighter in a special place in our practice room, up on a ledge, and only used it occasionally. One of those lighters that would seem empty upon shaking it--couldn't hear any more fluid shifting around--yet nonetheless continued to work anyway.

Stan was quite the ladies man. See, in L.A., he'd met a hot chick, but had trouble fooling around with her too much being on vacation with his parents. At one point they made out on top of a car, in a parking garage or something--he'd even lifted up her dress and paid a little oral homage.

He mistakenly ended up with this girl's red, Bic lighter.

Then she disappeared forever.

And that, folks, is the story behind Stanley's Magic Sex Lighter...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2015:
In SI's "Swimsuit" issue be
ads with plus-sized model! Well, gee!
All guys will dig big chicks now!
Starts with dudes who, somehow,
don't know real porn's on 'Net, free!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2015:
Considering they do things like…well, award Pat Boone far more heavily than the Beatles in each's prime, wouldn't it make more sense to call them, "The Grannies"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2015:
Obama--"Crusades"? What the hell?
All pols--ring that word its death knell!
Riles folks! It's just too much fuss!
And, for the rest of us?...
Start by nixing, "LOL"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2015:
Yet another badly needed word in our Modern Age--

"Wrecksting."

Think on it a bit, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2015:
Was suckered--tried new Sweet Tarts Gummies!
Found them a neat twist and quite yummy!
Though well steeled 'gainst marketing,
new snacks come harkening…
And Fate finds them in my tummy!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2015:
Happiness is...the bottom of a bag of pistachios...all the nuts that fell from their shells; no need for cracking...hard NOT to remove your pants for it...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2015:
The Grammys shoot lame as they can be!
Top picks…I just can't understand these!
Shun Beatles…laud Pat Boone?
And Elvis--rare win tunes
just gospel? I say they're "The Grannies"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2015:
Nothing you can say can convince us that the Grammys DON'T now schedule a Kanye West hissy fit as part of the festivities…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2015:
So Kanye, 'mid Grammy activities,
threw hissy fit, per his proclivity!
One more Grammy yawn this be!
Don't dare try telling me
ain't now part of planned festivities!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2015:
Anybody remotely familiar with comedy open mics will find this word useful. It describes one of those guys who's completely awful, yet inexplicably keeps at it, working for crickets--

The "comic-kaze"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the Thirteenth!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2015:
Though, true, "Ev'ry rose has its thorns,"
on Valentine's, sure as you're born,
those rose bouquet gifts, ladies,
ain't given for "maybes"…
Ev'ry rose, too, has its horns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2015:
How come nobody considers it a manly hobby when you're basically an "indoorsman"?...

Happy Extra Cheezy St. Valentine's Day!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2015:
Wake; peek outside… Bye, plans--I'm trapped!
Each glance, no let-up--been snow slapped!
When, later that morning,
check phone… "Blizzard Warning"!
What'd we ever do 'fore these apps?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2015:
So now Facebook's unveiling this "Legacy" thing, where you pick an heir, of sorts, to run your Facebook page after you die and… Hmm. So Mother-Zuckerberg and Company are assuming this little non-money maker's in it for the long run, huh?

It's too bad they didn't set up this legacy arrangement for other such sites, such as, oh… MySpace. How about Friendster? Anybody remember Friendster?

But Facebook won't be going away, right?

Uh-huh...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/15/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Gone with the Wind
I recently watched the classic movie "Gone with the Wind" for the first time.

I'd seen parts of it before, as a child, as it had been my mom's favorite movie. Which is the main reason why, amid a confluence of other circumstances, I did watch it.

The DVD copy I watched had originally been a gift from me to my mother, for Christmas or Mother's Day or her Birthday…I forget which. Mom died December 2012, Dad March 2014, so I'm finishing up estate matters and preparing the family home for sale. Thus I kept the DVD for myself when I found it…still in its shrink wrap.

No, it wasn't a misfire gift. The movie was Mom's favorite, and she hadn't watched it in many years when I gave it to her, but Dad ruled the TV and Mom, by and large, deferred to him on the matter.

This isn't to say that Dad refused to let her watch it. She just didn't try. Much of the reason was the old fashioned nature of my parents' relationship--the breadwinner took his R&R as he pleased, even after retiring. Mom also wasn't a big TV person. She'd often read while Dad watched the box. Plus she had seen the film already many, many times, it is after all almost four hours in length and… Unopened.

Mom loved that movie. My in-the-background watches as a kid leave me with no memories of the film itself, but I vividly remember Mom quoting from it afterward. "Ashley, Ashley"! "The Tara, the Tara!" And she'd chastise Scarlett O'Hara, too. "She could've had Clark Gable, but she screwed it all up!"

Clark Gable must be one of history's sexiest men because he even made my Polish grandma swoon. Grandma was one of those strict Catholics who quite possibly may have only had…marital relations as a means to pregnancy. But she'd reportedly get inordinately steamed up over "that Clark Gable!"

While I'd like to say I would have watched "Gone with the Wind" eventually anyway, simply because it was my beloved mother's favorite, I'm not sure. But spending a lot of time in the family home, nestled in the country where I no longer have social contacts, circumstances, working with perhaps Destiny and/or Fate, made the decision for me.

So, my take on the movie itself? I have to say that it's one of those where I do understand WHY it's considered a Great Movie, but… A little chickie for my tastes. Not that it didn't keep me riveted for the whole near-four hours once I popped it in.

And not that it didn't have me trying to act all Clark Gable-y for days afterward, either...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2015:
Guess guys take nutsies--hope she'll match that?
No fear's it'll haunt--app does scratch that?
Best name, seems to me,
'least as wannabe…
Guys hope against hope will turn…"Snatchchat"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Presidents Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2015:
Those in our way, stupid or tardy--must
find adjective for those life-sharting thus!
Since bastards, these morons be,
could rhyme with "dastardly"…
I say, need new word--"Bastardious"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2015:
I wish you a Happy Ash Wednesday!
(At U of I, they've done "Hash Wednesday"!)
Bet if we all had day off
stores would run sales, play-off
holiday--dub it, "Cash Wednesday"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2015:
There is an upside to choosing generic/store brand mac and cheeze in a box. (In addition to saving yourself 3 cents or whatever.)

Cheeze glops.

See, the inferior powdered, processed cheeze doesn't always blend with the added milk and butter properly.

Sure, not everyone enjoys a good cheeze glop but I sorta like 'em. Adds to the texture, a form of Cheetos gone horribly, terribly wrong…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2015:
Communicating via texting
and dirty pics we now call "sexting"!
And morons who feel
can text 'hind the wheel
engage in the action of "wrecksting"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2015:
In the days following St. Valentine's Day Weekend, one enjoys a lingering warmth in the heart.

Or, well, in the chest cavity, anyway. Mostly the stomach, nice and toasty with all that marked-down Valentine's candy within...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2015:
Once Valentine's Weekend's unwound,
whole next week, feel warmth--peaceful, sound…
Huh? What? Not talking 'bout love!
Magic that I speak of?
Retailers' candy marked-down!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2015:
With the Chicago Cubs' pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training this week, let us be the first to say--

Wait 'til next year!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2015:
His heart, with love for her, was chock-full!
And when he faced tragic debacle,
she held him close, to console,
soothing his lonely soul,
warming…well, SOME kind of cockles!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2015:
It's common for folks to play a common word/spelling game that goes, "You can't spell [such and such] without [some creatively related such and such]." For instance, a clever travel ad might read, "You can't spell 'Romance' without 'Rome'!"

Well, have a form of reverse twist on this exercise--

You CAN spell "Estate Sale" without "Sanity"!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2015:
My Spirit and Mojo, both sapped!
Mood wallows amid depths of crap!
What feeds this chagrin?
Why, seems that my skin
'tween right thumb and forefinger's chapped!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2015:
Now, we know that all the "progressives" and "liberals" are creaming their collective jeans over this neo-socialist fest going on in Greece, but… Sorry, folks. Ain't gonna fly. EU won't go for it.

We apologize for the tsunami on your parade, but somewhere along the line, somebody has to pay for all of these things.

Just a timely reminder--communism and the Iron Curtain fell for valid, inarguable, scientific, financial reasons…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/22/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Estate Sale Weekend!
Eventually, you'll see that or a similar title for an actual, you know, STORY, but... It's literal this time around. You ain't gettin' an edition when I'm working an estate sale, pal…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2015:
The pitchers and catchers appear…
Yay! Baseball's Spring Training is here!
Cubs fans dream of what might be…
World Series? Guess it's me…
First to say, "Wait 'til next year!"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2015:
Our conclusion on this whole estate sale business?

Poor Man's Black Friday…

(More to come on this topic, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, in a soon-to-be Sunday Story Time…and perhaps elsewhere)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2015:
Sit-ups, 'round this calendar juncture,
on carpet, find still Christmas junk there!
So while exercising,
tree's needles still rising…
It's sort of poor man's acupuncture!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2015:
Perusing our cable TV, onscreen grid, among yesterday's evening programming we learned of "The World Dog Awards."

Apparently, January-February aren't loaded enough with awards shows. And we've just about run out of ways to self-congratulate human beings in the entertainment industry at this point…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2015:
Pistachio nut--tongue, enchants!
But irksome's that crack-the-shell dance!
Yet, bottom of bag? No shells!
Nut handfuls munch so swell,
'fore popping, I remove pants!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2015:
Lent, whereby practitioners can't eat many things…but they CAN eat fish… Ah! That explains all the smiley women walking around...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2015:
Check TV grid… What's this I'm seeing?
"World Dog Awards"? There's just no fleeing
shows stars self-congratulate,
spawning at such a rate--
run out of for human beings!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2015:
Our Daily Limerick, er…computer system is, well, flagging on certain levels. In fact, repairs need be made, necessitating an appointment, as of today a day off, and… Well.

You try functioning without computer/Internet/mobile device/etc.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should well know that we always catch-up, should our, um, "service" indeed be interrupted.

Interruption will likely not happen, but in these cases, these days, anything can happen.

Our troubles are nonetheless American made, caused by American products/people/circumstances. We needed no outside terror efforts to screw us up to all hell.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2015:
Chi-Town's voting Rahm out! Yippee!
Rules with iron hand, just like Daley!
But though Rich was shitty,
was pure Windy City!
Rahm? One-hundred percent D.C.!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2015:
Okay, we have a plan to get rid of the Kardashians once and for all!

Admittedly, our scheme is a bit complicated. But the end result? We're rid of the brainless wonders, for good, thanks to a Witless Protection Program...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2015:
Pick-up artist fisherman, Jack,
reeled one in and, 'fore he did mack,
peeked at her ID…
Then let her go free--
for future catch, threw that one back!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2015:
So, this upcoming TV Land show, "Younger," incessantly shilled in the outlet's promos… Blecch.

Among TV show impersonators, "Sex and the City" is the new Elvis...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...