Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: January 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2015:
Out with old and in with the new?
Find mix ideal; it's up to you!
The tried-and-true? Don't let go!
Not? The New's apropos...
(Or, for me, 'least "gently used"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Year!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2015:
Discov'ry! On highway! Who'd think?
Out there all 'long--seen in eye's blink!
'Bove animal, 'cause 'hind wheel;
but lack courtesy feel...
One of them's our Missing Link!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2015:
When you think of the Mid-East, the world "turmoil" tends to come to mind.

And you can't spell "turmoil" without "oil"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2015:
Nymph was turned-on by karaoke,
so Jed took her, though thought it hokey!
Her hokiness knew no bounds!
Went dancing on the town...
Night's end, gave her hokey-pokey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2015:
You could say that all penguins are bipolar, no?...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of 2015!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2015:
Guys these days, more dumb-ass than gutsy,
take cock selfies? Brains where their butts be!
No chick yet turned-on by flaunt!
'Net Age? Comes back to haunt!
Best term for sad trend? The "Nutsy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2015:
A word, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, about "manscaping."

Firstly, it's tragic the term even sees need for existence. If you need it defined... Not sure how you're pulling it off with that Life of yours, but if you haven't encountered it yet, skip to the end of this entry and don't worry about it.

One of the benefits off being a human male is having little need to care about your appearance. Oh, you shower and groom, of course; wear clothing that complements your physical attributes and isn't TOO dated on the Fashion Calendar--the bare minimum necessary to impress the ladies enough to have a sex life.

In fact, if you go TOO far with the fashion business, you actually TURN-OFF the ladies. "I don't want a man who's better dressed/prettier/etc. than I!" is an all too common refrain in the dating game.

Now, some of us here at DL have trimmed a little bit down there, usually at the bequest of a Lady. But beyond that... Problem with this crap is that all you girly men aren't just toying with ruining our Good Deal as Men for all of us, but for future generations of human males.

We aren't known for uttering this phrase but... Think of the children!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/4/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Mom's Back-Home-Again Mantra
Before my parents passed away, over the past two years, I'd visit my parents in the country for a couple of days every month. Because my schedule allowed it and that I knew they'd not be around forever.

A philosophy I give myself kudos for, I must say.

Part of the protocol when I'd return to my city home would be to call Mom, to tell her I arrived home fine.

She'd ask, "How are the cats?" To which I'd answer, "Fine" or "They haven't come out yet" or whatever else might've been appropriate.

Then she'd follow-up with, "I bet they're glad to see you."

Mom herself was a cat lover. She asked those questions every single time, without fail...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2015:
Though countless terms be for girls' fruit, 'curs
to me all off--unlike with hooters!
Perhaps 'cause it's inner,
tough find, right phrase winner!
But I'm scared by guys who say, "cooter"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2015:
You see all these shills trumpeting the fact that companies take "all MAJOR credit cards."

So, are there MINOR credit cards? Does anybody take, say, the Ed's Credit & Septic Service Beige Card?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2015:
True slice-of-life--no P.C. griping!
Girl I know's post, "No ster'yotyping
me! Just 'cause I'm Asian,
not kar'yoke ragin'!"
I bashed it, and she took to...sniping?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2015:
Amid all the end-of-year-new year hackery, we noticed some features on the order of, "The 50 Stupidest Tweets of 2014."

Stupid? Tweet? Stupid tweets?

Talk about a needle-in-a-haystack task! Isn't that like picking, "The Ten Wettest Bodies of Water in 2014"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2015:
For years, thermo-travel type dug
for coffee, which I'm known to slug!
Found myself without it;
went with typ'cal touted...
As with friends/comrades, now go mug!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2015:
Believe it or not, one CAN get sick of fast food.

See, due to frugality, and the fact that I like to cook (and am pretty good at it), I rarely eat out. That's been necessary frugality for most of my life, but even were I a rich man, I'd still eat at home most of the time. (Perhaps for the same reason I never felt right when my ex-wife hired an ultra-cheap, Mexican cleaning lady once or twice when we lived in L.A.--seems a bit decadent and just not me.)

Over the past year, dealing with my recently deceased parents' estate, I've been back and forth between city and country, once again driving a car regularly after 20+ years mostly as a carless Chicago resident. Combine this driving lifestyle with the hectic schedule of work/life plus the estate handling plus all the time behind the wheel and you get...lotta fast food.

By and large, this has been kick-ass for me. In fact, a taste of Heaven here on earth. But as I've been nearing the year mark with this... Yeah. I'm starting to get sick of fast food. Never thought I'd say that. Never thought it'd be possible for me to ever say that.

In fact, shocked that I'm saying it now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2015:
Perpetual turmoil, embroiled,
Mid-East--part thanks to what's 'neath soil!
Think "turmoil" 'pon hearing name--
perfect for spelling game!
Can't spell "turmoil" without "oil"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Elvis' Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2015:
Hip, hack term for fey new trend's, "manscaping"--
girlie men coif carpet, match man draping!
One thing to break good ol' boy
roles, distant age employed--
'nother to stoke pure wo-man aping!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2015:
Coverage of the Colorado NAACP building bombing has been inexcusably light in the mainstream media, whether or not the mainstream media is still, indeed, mainstream.

But "coverage" of the mainstream media's lack of coverage of the Colorado NAACP building on social media?... Let's just say it's hard to tell that anything else is going on in the world...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2015:
Payment, take all--shills have long said it--
"major" credit cards. I don't get it!
Try name one of--wrack brain hard--
these "minor" credit cards...
Ed's Septic Service and...Credit?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2015:
Make fun of the guy's career at this point if you will, but Psy totally nailed my Taco Bell order...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2015:
The woodsman's macho unencumbered--fact!
Where "lumberjack" comes from--e'er wondered that?
One day, woodsman was working,
turned-on nymph came jerking
his wood... That's why they're called, "lumberjack"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2015:
(Somehow missed our traditional Saturday Limerick yesterday, so there ya' go; Happy Extra Cheezy Sunday, we supose)...

The shilling industry has done a much better job this year of nixing Christmas-themed commercials right after the Holidays.

Credit where credit's due.

More fittingly, lack of discredit because discredit's no longer due. And we'd rather see them trim the Marathon Shill on the other end--have the ads trail on to St. Valentine's day and nix it until after Thanksgiving--but we'll take the meager progress, anyway...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/11/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Another 2015 First!
Yup. The first Sunday Story Time blow-off edition of 2015!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2015:
Selfie media, shots are hurled
at "mainstream" for news NOT out churled--
NAACP bombing!
Selfie net's so glomming
'd'think naught else happened in world!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2015:
So Spike, the self-proclaimed "men's" cable network, has a new "reality" show, "Framework," wherein competitors...design furniture?

Sounds suspiciously familiar.

Toss an antiques show into the programming and this "men's" label will fit a lot less awkwardly...with a whole different slant, of course...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2015:
Those Christmas ads? Now tucked away
already!? Congrats, shills, must say!
'd'Choose trimming the other end--
old post-Thanksgiving trend--
e'en if run to Val'tine's Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2015:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed that DL hasn't said much about video games. This despite the fact that we're amid a Golden Age for them, growing more Golden all the time. Graphics, interactivity... Kick-ass on most every level.

Which is precisely why we've avoided them. Learned a long ago the things are addictive and, frankly, having had youthful troubles with the "Nerd" tag... We're highly hesitant to touch that whole scene.

But if we WERE to join this Golden Age... With all the amazing options, why the hell is anybody, even ONE SINGLE PERSON, playing these Candy Crush-type lame fests?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2015:
Don't eat out much, as frugal dude!
Drive 'lot, busy, past year--stokes mood
to nab those drive-thru delights!
N'er thought could be my plight,
now, somehow...sick of fast food?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2015:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers well know that Wednesdays here mean "Food" content.

But right about this time of the year... Well, why bother?

Everyone's gorging themselves on their favorites--you know, the things they "resolved" to stop eating this year?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2015:
Six months without any light solar
plus cold--tough to start good times' roller!
But going from root words,
you gotta say those birds
called "penguins" are truly "bi-polar"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2015:
So, all of these ads offering, "FREE Career Guide if you call NOW!" and "FREE Informational Packet!" etc... Wow! What a bargain and a half! You mean you actually won't charge us to experience your marketing shill?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2015:
At Psy's career now, giggle, chort er
plain burst laughing--but I've retort, sir!
Though Fifteen's past, by a mile--
fame danced off, Gangham Style--
sure nailed my Taco Bell order!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2015:
Remember how well the 1980s "Just Say No" campaigns worked, with their "Shut up and listen, don't question," alarmist tone?

Today's anti-smoking PSAs?

We trust you can put two and two together. Unlike the rest of the world, apparently, I imagine most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know well what "trying something repeatedly and expecting different results" defines...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2015:
Italian guy, Alphonse Valente,
was so oft in pitching-a-tent way,
even nervous, courtin',
half-gainer was sportin'...
So dames called the fella "Al Dente"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2015:
Isn't polka really the original Pole dancing?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2015:
With crack tech vid games, scene's now lush!
'Mid Golden Age, more each day gush!
Since child addict, 'lone leavin',
but why is there even
one person play'n... Candy Crush?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2015:
Suggestion for the U.S. Post Office--

Allow/encourage folks to use that mailbox flag even without outgoing mail. That way, rather than checking for mail numerous times, not knowing whether the carrier's come that day or not (considering days with no mail), one can tell by the flag's position.

You know, now that mail's firm on the Dodo/fax machine route.

Not to mention that this idea's tossed out on a non-mail day's edition....

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/18/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Cheap and Loud Pants
I legitimately had a ball with my maternal grandparents.

Of course, kids as a rule enjoy time spent with grandparents. But in addition to snacks, gifts and general spoilage, they played right along with my silly imagination. Maybe they were extra patient, where others would be annoyed, or young at heart. Then again, as a budding humorist, maybe I made the task easy for them.

Of course, I had delightful times with my paternal grandparents, too. But I have more memories of car trips with the maternals, where my goofy meanderings were often unleashed. I, my sister and other cousins called my maternal grandparents Nanny and Popo, nicknames they desired upon attaining g-parent status, I believe.

Nanny had bought me some clothes from a garage sale, or "garbage sale," as they called them. One item was a 25-cent pair of pants, loud as all hell, plaid and checkered with shades of green, brown and God knows what other colors. Polyester, I believe, and screaming 1970s. Well, it must've been the 1970s or perhaps early '80s when this occured, but these drawers cried "cheezy" and "dated" nonetheless.

Nanny wasn't offended when my sister and I called them "cheap" and "loud." She laughed right along (and had only spent 25 cents on them anyway). And, oh, did we go slaphappy and silly on those trousers! Determining they looked like something from the TV show "Good Times," we invented parody songs about them.

"Just lookin' out of the window, watching those cheap pants dry..." with "Good Times" replaced in the refrain by, "Cheap Pants!"

Another was to the tune of "Frankie and Johnny." "J. J. and Sophie were lovers..." with stuff about the pants glowing in the dark, like "When Sophie looked at those cheap pants, she had to cover her eyes..." I'm not entirely sure why the name Sophie entered the picture.

Today, I kinda wished I'd held on to those Cheap and Loud Pants.

I did wear them out when I was a little older. In public and more than once!

Golfing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2015:
"Framework's" Spike new "real" show they hype!
Craft furniture? "Men's" stuff?--I've gripes!
Though this is more Lifetime,
theme now has reason/rhyme...
True "men's" stuff...just whole diff'rent stripe!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

Oh, and Martin Luther King, Jr., Day (although it is Poe's actual birthday today, you know)!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2015:
Guides, kits, brochures and info be
FREE free FREE free FREE free FREE FREE!...
Which goes without saying--
for shill, who'd be paying?
Makes more sense for YOU to pay ME!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2015:
While, technically, you can't spell "pills" without "ills"... Given the way most people are typing today, via crappy texty "keyboards" and onto selfie media... Really, you can spell "pills" however the hell you want...and, on a related note, most people apparently are...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2015:
What to eat? You've GOT your solution
from certain plan's failed execution!
Get comfy and pace
yourself stuffing face--
from list called, "New Year's Resolutions"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2015:
In the world of cookies, you hear a lot about chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin and other faves--for good reason.

I find shortbread with toffee chips to be ridiculously underrated, myself.

You put your hand in your cookie jar, I'll put mine in mine...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2015:
Recall alarmist, "Just Say No"?
"No questions--just 'cause we say so"?
Now ponder today's
"Don't Smoke" PSAs...
Expecting that diff. results show?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2015:
So "reality" TV "star" Greg Plitt (again, thanks, Media, for identifying him as such, with so many "celebrities" we've never heard of these days)... Whoo, Boy!

Plitt was filming a commercial for an "energy drink" (sorry for all the quotes, but we need a lot of new vocabulary) whereby he was going to outrun a train and... Train won.

What's most interesting here are the two forms of evolution at work.

There's the obvious, of course. Thinning the herd of brainless wonders such as Plitt.

But complementing that is another form of thinning the herd, or so we hope... "Energy drinks"?

We're unaware of anybody downing a cup of old fashioned, actually tasty coffee and trying to outrun a freaking train, so let's introduce the whole "energy drink" concept to the dodo bird and be done with it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2015:
Go polka yourself out your pants;
all watching start thinking romance!
What? You think I'm joking
'bout friskiness stoking?
Hey, polka's orig'nal "Pole dance"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2015:
So the NFL's New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick are now under suspicion of using under-inflated footballs to the team's advantage.

In other words, cheating.

They've been nabbed for this before.

(Chief Limericist checking in, here, for the witty capper.)

Who does Belichick think he is...my ex-wife?...

(On a side note, I don't have reason to believe my ex cheated on me, but I couldn't pass it up)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2015:
Hot pro archaeologist slut
on all-female dig, craved a nut
so bad, excavating,
began masturbating...
and ended up bustin' a Tut!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2015:
Quite a few wannabe terrorists out there you could call, "Shiite for brains"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2015:
Greg Plitt's death by train? Seems the word's
he tried to...outrun it? Absurd!
Filming "energya drink" ad?
Coffee, folks--why this fad?
(Two kinds of "thinning the herd"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2015:
Don't know about this "America's Team" nonsense, but to anyone outside the Boston area, the Patriots are al-Qaida's Team...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/25/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Cheap City
You know about the usage of the word "city" to connote a center/HQ for something, or a place with a prevalence of something... Ala, "Let's hang at the mall! Babe City, my friend!"

Okay, you don't hear it as often these days, but it's still around.

When I was a shaver, and into my teens, cassette tapes were one of the most, if not the most, popular means of listening to music. Like albums, cassettes had two sides. Naturally, these two sides of music came in at different lengths.

Meaning, one side of a cassette tape ended up with a blank section of silence at side's end.

My best childhood pal, Jimmy, dubbed this, "Cheap City."

I don't use the "city" slang much, if at all anymore.

Except... Bought a bag of chips the other day and the way the contents settled, let's just say that when I opened that bag... Cheap City!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/25/2015:
> Dear Sirs,
>
> Normally I refrain from any negative commentary on anything, however the recent
> shoddy service at DailyLimerick.Net has pushed me right over the edge. Let me
> say at the least that I am disheartened by the lapse in quality control exhibited in
> todays missive and rest assured that I have you on "Email Probation" at this
> juncture until such a time as I see a return to the quality and fidelity of the pre
> 01/23/15 Daily Limerick customer friendly approach.
>
> In other words, don't let it happy again...or there's gonna be more angry emails
> from this concerned patron.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Vag Snatchdisaster Esq.

Dear Mr. Snatchdisaster, Escort:

We'd love to tell you that we regret any inconvenience DailyLimerick.net may have caused you, but regrets, we've had a few; then again, too few to mention.

As most readers undoubtedly know, multi-national, multi-orgasmic organizations such as DailyLimerick.net really don't give a quarter-shit about its accidental kicks-to-the-taint of loyal readers such as yourself. Thus, we farm this pesky customer service piffle overseas...or at least offshore, to illegal immigrant workers at our public relations sweatshop in unincorporated Nantucket--

"Dear Senor. Muchos...come se dice?...sorry. Please enjoy the autographed fotografia of Chief Limericist Sloop Biederman's left huevo de amor, which will be arriving in your mailbox pronto, along with a $5 gift certificate toward your next purchase of Sloop Biederman's Penile Care Products."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2015:
The NFL plays Barney Fife;
busts Patriots' balls! That team's rife
with cheat schemes for plottin'!
Football's Really Rottens!
Who they think they are--my ex-wife?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2015:
We have no interest in the X Games...but we might make time for some XXX Games...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2015:
Was gonna say, of the word "pills,"
that it can't be spelled without "ills"...
Med/spell rules now grey--
have seen better days...
"Pills" now spelled with "ills," "thrills" or "shills"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2015:
The Super Bowl is designed to be the biggest television viewing event of the year in the United States.

Toward that end, this year's features the New England Patriots competing for the championship, the Seattle Seahawks competing for the championship and Katy Perry performing for halftime entertainment.

So... Three things we're more than fine with never experiencing again, huh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2015:
To bandwagons, I won't be led--
for underdogs, I root, instead!
Sports? Contests? Perhaps, but quip
shuns oatmeal, choc'late chip--
rah, rah Team Toffee Shortbread!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2015:
Sometimes, you put a common twist on a well-known snacking product and, when it boils down to it, as the snacker, if the snack simply holds up to the given expectations, it's a smashing success.

For instance... Sweet Tarts.

Gummies.

Sweet Tart Gummies.

All your tastebuds would imagine, folks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2015:
The hypesters seek sports clubs to deem,
"America's Team"! But it seems
to most... Take, the Patriots.
Non-Bean Town? Hate the shits!
More fitting's, "al-Qaida's Team"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2015:
A little late, perhaps, but as a Chicago-based operation, we feel compelled to say some words upon the recent passing of Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks.

We imagine Ernie is playing baseball now on that great Diamond in the Sky. As Mr. Cub, this means he'll play for Eternity...without winning a World Series.

Come to think of it, one could argue that Chicago Cubs fans are enjoying a slice of Heaven here on Earth, considering the Cubs, too, will play for all Eternity, or at least Humanity's portion off it, without winning a World Series...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2015:
Soon, Super Bowl champ, crowned will be!
The...Seahawks or...Patriots? Gee,
multi-layered deja vu!
With...Katy Perry, too?
I call this, "Super Bowl Zzz"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2015:
There's apparently this "reality" TV show, "King of The Nerds," and... Okay, folks, one more time--a physically attractive chick simply CANNOT be a true nerd.

Perhaps we should just write "nerd" off as another word destroyed by definition-stretching, but, seriously... Nerds DON'T hook-up with other human beings, in any way, shape or form... Reacquaint yourself, producers, with true nerds. Perhaps reenroll in junior high or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2015:
Nymph felt sexy doing her Zumba;
in trance soon evolved into rhumba...
Then into a limbo,
sashayed toward a himbo...
and ended up giving a hum-ba!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2015:
We have a new, useful word--

"Bastardious"... Trust you can find a use for it...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...