Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: July 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2015:
Fast-food shills are nuts with Sriracha!
And, sure, the stuff adds a taste "gotcha!",
but folks add hot sauce on own!
Would these hacks blow trombone
o'er sandwich "with mustard blotch!" Huh?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2015:
At a street festival, tried a Croatian burger.

The burger patty was composed of beef and sausage, with pork and/or lamb. Among the condiments was this spicy, eggplant sauce. Delicious.

I'll admit, however, that the morning after found my digestive system a bit…Balkanized?

Then again, I'm not sure I can blame the burger for that, considering the street festival tummy mix of that, pizza, burgers and Thai noodles… A regular melting pot, with the accompanying civil unrest...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2015:
Pete Jackson made flick, "Lord of Rings";
"Fin'ly!" D&D geeks did sing!
Peeps, orcs, trolls--all same!
Exist…with no dames?
Like most D&D game outings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2015:
Everybody's pissed at the Supreme Court, or SCOTUS, as it's oft referred to in our abbreviation-happy world. At least everybody partisan, which sure seems like everybody these days.

Of course, "conservatives" are irate about the official sanction of gay marriage. "Liberals" are whiny about the 5-4 decision, and the fact that most of the decisions are 5-4, worried over the implications of how essentially one vote teeter-totters the nation's future in radically different directions. And, of course, both teams of wing nuts predictably cheer or boo each and every Court decision according to each's pre-ordained scriptures and commandments on thought and action.

Why, one might even rejigger the Supreme Court nickname, to better reflect attitudes, as SCROTUS.

We don't see any of this as negative. Just as we find our own SCROTUSes quite delightful, the fact that both cookie-cutter, partisan dogma cults are all pissed off at the Supreme Court only reinforces our utmost respect for the Highest Court in the Free World...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2015:
If a guy were dapper, with kinks,
let's say, prone to bondage hijinks,
when in heat of passion,
would he still mind fashion--
and whip-out pair of hand-cufflinks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2015:
When something's "good enough," we're calling it "cookie"--and so should you. If fact, tell all your friends! Start a trend!

Still amid our Spring Cleaning of the, um, Daily Limerick Towers, whistling while we work, in fact sometimes singing while we work, a tune comes to mind from "Sesame Street" to keep us from wasting too much time dwelling on a particular spot--

"'C' is for Cookie! That's good enough for me!" Words of wisdom from Cookie Monster…although the song doesn't back-up our word usage exactly.

"Good Enough"? "Cookie"! As in, "Nobody can see that hard-to-erase dingy spot, there on the cabinet door, from more than six inches away--move on, it's cookie."

Whether you follow this with a "D" for "Diet" or "Donut" is your own business, but we're diggin' this spin on "cookie," nonetheless...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2015:
Red--past blood spilt, for me and you;
White--for Good Fight (work's never through);
and, since, to express, we're free,
speaking, at least, for me…
Last hue's for right to work Blue!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2015:
Ron Paul cries, "Doomed! 'Bout, can't do diddle!
Rome burns while our government fiddles!"
This Great Collapse, off, can't stave!
Buy his "plan," self can save!
Modern day, shill Chicken Little!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2015:
Today marks ONE WEEK until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!... Really, that's enough content, or "content," for today...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/5/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Lady from El Salvador
The most beautiful lady I've ever met came to me on a tour bus, when I was playing a gangster, as is my main gig these days.

These things are subjective. And this wasn't the first time, nor likely the last, that I'd proclaim a woman to be the most beautiful I've ever met. But she was certainly in my Top Ten. Really, how can one pick a Most Beautiful, with each beautiful in a unique way and "most" subjective, as well, and fluid, dependent on mood and, oh, all sorts of factors?

She bore the dark, signature Latina characteristics of beauty, but with something…else. I can't disregard human nature here, the attraction of something one can't have, since… Well, tour bus? From El Salvador? Such is my inherent problem with this gig--beauty here today, gone tomorrow. All made more frustrating due to my personal nature, with the Catch-22 (or is it Catch-69?) of having a gig that'd be ideal for one-night stands, as a relationship-seeking kinda guy.

These resplendent women a guy meets at various points in life, briefly yet memorably, here then gone? They've all carried a magic quality for me. Revered, in a way. Muses, in a way. Perhaps something on the order of soul mates, only to be connected with in another life, or another time and place in this life… I'd say they're an obsession, but that can have negative connotations and… Impossible to fully describe their effect on me. Ships passing in the night, sure, but ships subtly altering life's currents nonetheless, forever changing my voyage. Untouchable, but untouchable like a sunset, bringing hope, inspiration and a simple, warm contentment, knowing that Life, despite everything, is overwhelmingly Good.

At the risk of screwing up my metaphors here, I don't get this feeling from a fleeting, beautiful presence absent interaction. In this case, the Lady from El Salvador and I spoke, and it was obvious to me that there was, indeed, an attraction. And I did learn her name, although I've since forgotten it. I'm admittedly no expert in these things, but it was a strong attraction. Despite the brevity of the encounter, I somehow knew that, had she not here ties to El Salvador and I not my ties to America/Chicago, we would have… Yeah, I'm still aware of the human nature/unattainable thing here. But still.

She may not be the only one, but every now and then, when Life has me stressed, depressed or somehow in a negative way…in need of a mojo pick-me-up, I'll think of the Lady from El Salvador and Life is again Good…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2015:
Folks single, unmarried, not dating,
oft bitch, moan about masturbating!
Grass always seems greener,
fence, other side scene. Sure
is lots better than bastard-mating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2015:
Today marks SIX DAYS until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!...

Coming off of the patriotic Independence Day weekend, we couldn't help but wonder, while shuddering… Will folks one day refer to the likes of Jefferson, Washington, Hancock, etc. as…the Founding Baby Daddies?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2015:
Awareness helps brings cancers down!
Fights 'gainst breast-, lung-, prostate- renown!
But 'wareness there ain't
'bout cancer of taint!
One, all festoon ribbons of…brown?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2015:
Today marks FIVE DAYS until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!...

So Sonia Manzano, "Maria" on "Sesame Street," is retiring from the show.

We'd run a tribute, but… Well, the thoughts that ran through our pre-pubescent Chief Limericist's mind viewing Maria onscreen might very well be counterproductive to what must think of as "tribute," so we'll just consider this a something close, as is…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2015:
Today I set out to review
Froot Loops with Marshmallows for you!
Marshmallows? Froot Loops?
Not much of a scoop!
Delicious! (Not tough to construe!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2015:
Today marks FOUR DAYS until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!...

I'm a big fan of coconut.

I feel obligated to mention this because coconut is one of those flavors that divides us along partisan culinary lines--you love it or hate it. I've gleaned that one of my heroes, Charles M. Schulz, hated coconut, as numerous Peanuts characters have made anti-coconut cracks in his comic strips.

Coconut goes beyond dessert fare, namely in tropical-based ethnic cuisines. It's a prominent ingredient in many Thai curries, for instance, as well as Caribbean dishes like coconut shrimp…but really, what's the point in exploring the topic. Again, you love it or you hate it.

For fans of coconut, I stumbled across a toasted coconut ice cream recently. Didn't realize such a flavor existed and it's sure as hell not common. A company named Hudsonville makes this one. Certainly worth checking out.

I was also quite happy with the world when the only wireless phone was the ol' "coconut wireless," but that's another topic altogether…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2015:
Don't watch 'em, but talk shows are tellin'--
guest lists show what Hollywood's sellin'…
Perhaps there's more to it?
Quaint fact--you construe it…
Seems Jane Lynch is ALWAYS on "Ellen"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2015:
Today marks THREE DAYS until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!...

Modern day etiquette question, here.

Now, if you're seated on a crowded bus and you notice that one of the standing riders is elderly, handicapped, carrying groceries, a lady (we're gentlemen here at DL), etc., you offer that person your seat, right? Well, few people now do-they probably don't notice the elderly, handicapped, etc. because they're hypnotized by their freakin' smartphones, but that's what one's supposed to do.

But what if you're seated in one side of a two-seat unit and a morbidly obese lady is among the standing--requiring two seats? You offer your seat and you're basically calling her a "fat ass," so?... Tricky etiquette times, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Tricky etiquette times, indeed...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2015:
"Dukes" pulled…'cause the General Lee
bears Confederate Flag? Well, gee--
root cause, quick fixed, race unrest,
all 'long been (who'd have guessed?)
bad, stale sitcoms on TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2015:
Today marks TWO DAYS until Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!...

Thinking about Ron Paul's Chicken Little routine--hard not to, considering the locust plague of ads for his "save yourself!" plan… So, the guy's anti-government at the same time his decades in Congress are a major shilling point?

Talk about having one's cake, eating--and profiting from--it, too!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2015:
Man met chick; too young; couldn't date her!
But ogled, to think of her later...
By looks, would've waged,
certainly of age,
but played role--mere mastur(jail)bater!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2015:
Turns out, Jared's eating a little TOO fresh...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!... Marking ONE DAY UNTIL DAILY LIMERICK TURNS SIXTEEN!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2015:
Today, Daily Limerick's sixteen!
The "sweet" one! For this, what's it mean?
Too old to be child;
too young to run wild…
In Danger Zone of The Betweens!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2015:
Today, Daily Limerick TURNS SIXTEEN!... That innocent age where… Okay, we're all off acting like sixteen-year-olds…well, the way WE acted as sixteen-year-olds and… Nothing to see here, authorities…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/12/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Back in the Swing of Regular Editions!...
…But, seriously, on DL's freakin' anniversary?

Not regular this week! Er, regular in the sense of… Next week, bastards…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2015:
Gay marriage nod? Right-wingnuts hissed!
Curb EPA? Left loons clench fist!
Shows why Supremes, gov's prime wing!
'Bove right-left bickering--
got both pol dogma cults pissed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2015:
If you give a million monkeys a typewriter… Probably wouldn't look too much different than the grammar and spelling butchery you see on social media, actually...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2015:
Fame for all, as Warhol did float
(mere 15 mins.--'portant to note),
came true! But a"reality"
TV and 'Net mean the
fame should be in between quotes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2015:
Headline from the left-flavored partisan dogma hounds at TruthOut.org-

"South Carolina Lowers Confederate Flag and an Era Ends"

Sure. Era end. No more racism in the South. Uh-huh…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2015:
At street fest, on top of the ol' stand-bys,
chowed Croatian burger, served up man-sized!
Had beef, sausage, more in mix!
Sure hit for new taste fix!
(Digestion, though, was bit Balkanized!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2015:
I've been known to use Hamburger Helper now and again. Generally happy with it. A number of tasty options, from simple, ala burger with mac and cheeze, to more complex, such as the Philly steak option, which has crunchy-cheezy topping to add at the end of cooking. New varieties are added regularly of course, but… Question-

Any other Slapper Yapper Grasshopper users of Hamburger Helper get the feeling these are all one flavor with different packaging?

Again, I like the stuff and all, but… Could this have anything to do with Subway?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2015:
Though mod grammar butc'ry, o'er, mad be,
against its evolving, no rad be!
I just ask no referencin'
the likes of Jefferson
as our Founding Baby Daddies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2015:
As huge fans of the Onion here at Daily Limerick, we're not sure how we only recently learned about its Web publication parody, Clickhole.

Does the same thing as the Onion, sending up its medium, in this case joking around with things like SEO, clicks, shares, yadda yadda, blah blah.

It's funny, even hilarious but somehow…not Onion Funny. And, really, if the Onion can't parody something inside out, well… Ahem.

Folks, the idea of society/culture becoming too ridiculous to parody properly was meant to be a comic exaggeration itself...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2015:
So "Sesame Street" star, Maria's,
retiring? As child… Mama, Mia!
Mere pup, boy, I found her…
Too young to pound flounder…
There's tribute; you get the idea…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2015:
In our Too Much Information Age, things may fade into obscurity but nothing ever dies.

Books, movies, you name it--as long as one copy physically survived into recent decades, it can be rounded up on the Internet or what have you. Sometimes, the work in question sheds its obscurity or rarity, rounded up or "shared," etc., reborn…say on cable TV.

Many of these are masterful. Many perhaps should've been left to die but now exist anew as Undead Turkeys. We'd say this just ramps up our love-hate attitude toward the Internet and all its spawned except… Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Recently watched such an Undead Turkey in the form of a retro cable TV movie, "For Singles Only." I had to watch it because I'd never heard of it, its listing gave it a mere half-star, it was far from new (1968) and… Well, ain't that enough reason?

Certainly meets the definition of an Undead Turkey that should've been left to die…or does it? I mean, I watched it.

In my defense, it had Milton Berle, in a small role, and bikinis, plus… Well, it had Milton Berle, bikinis, mold on it, an extra dose of obscurity and a half-star… What more could one want for a lazy summer weeknight's entertainment?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2015:
For ice cream date, put on the ritz!
Whipped cream, sprinkles, nuts, candy bits!
And for the hot syrup,
grabbed ankles like stirrups--
banana went in with her splits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2015:
Out and about, one of the wi-fi options listed was "NSA_Surveilance_Post2".

Gee. Hope that was some regular joe's given title because otherwise…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2015:
As gentleman, follow bus etiquette!
Chicks, seniors, disabled? Stand and let sit!
But nice or slur--what to do?--
stand so's to offer two
when, in one seat, she's too fat to fit?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2015:
Don't even try telling us that the current fascination with all things zombie doesn't curiously coincide with the invention of the smartphone.

Have you tried walking city streets lately?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/19/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Dating and the P-Word
Dating is a realm wherein "crazy" stories are actually "normal," flakes and assholes are abundant, yet I can truthfully say I've had it worse than most. Far worse, in fact. I don't have to prove this to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers of veteran status.

Such is my state of courtship affairs that I often don't even talk/write about madcap dating adventures sometimes--par for the course in my realm.

However… Damn Polak. More properly, Polka, as the terms identify Polish male and Polish female, respectively, in Polish, in addition to being a slur otherwise. But I'll stick with Polak, since this is English and it's a rare slur I'm allowed to use, being quarter-Polish and even raised with some Polish culture through a Polish-speaking grandma.

Unfortunately, I have experienced copious, er, justifications for the attitudes making Poles the subject of many jokes…but let's stick to the story at hand.

So a hot model type and Facebook "friend" indicated she was "going," or perhaps "maybe going," to one of my performances. For those unaware, there's an annoying selfie media trend of virtual attendance for such things. Perhaps it's meant to be helpful, as a form of electronic bandwagon effect. Sometimes likely a form of flirtation.

Weeks after the gig in question, I decided to send her a FB message and invite her as a comp on one of my Chicago tours I do playing a gangster. From there, we could actually meet, in a non-threatening way, for coffee or a bite, and go our ways from there, regardless of how we'd hit it off. I looked over her profile, learned that we had some things in common. She's an artist and Polish-American--even Polish speaking, with pics of Poland visits.

She replied quickly that a tour would be "awesome!" So I threw out a few possibilities for the coming week and she picked the next day, a Sunday, at 1 p.m. That seemed eager--not only right away, but early-ish on Sunday for many. The next day, in fact, I glanced at her profile to see she'd selfied-up out with the girls for a night out Saturday, so this seemed especially rarin' to go.

Now, this Polak's a rather comely model, so I wouldn't suspect her of being desperate except… Let's say that by various posts and profile particulars, it seemed she was close-ish to my age. Dating-wise, for me, a bit long in tooth and, among women, an age where perhaps a mild form of desperation sets in, even for a model.

I gave her the low-down right away. Bus leaves on the hour; waits for no one; boards quarter-to-the-hour; so shoot for quarter-to or even a half-hour early. I also stressed that if I were going to comp a seat, I really didn't want to cancel it, so urged her to be double sure she'd make it--summer's the busy season and any comps mean seats that can't be sold. (Also, what I didn't say is that I had some cousins reserve comps recently, then cancel them, so I didn't want to look flaky with the company by canceling yet another one.) All this would seem to be common sense. Right?

We exchanged numbers and I indicated it was near impossible for me to take calls during tours, thus texting was the only communication option--and even those I can only check sporadically.

So, the day arrives. I go about my early routine in a great mood, with a date arranged for later. Hit the tour bus, had one tour before hers, and during a break checked to find a text from her. She said she was en route. Asked some question about the tour timing again, which would indicate… Well, that perhaps she's a big Polak, considering all that info was typed the day before and thus accessible on her phone. I didn't think that at the time, however. To err is human and such. I gave a brief answer, but couldn't spend more time than that.

The next time I had a break to check for texts, there was a flurry from the chick. First asking whether she'd be okay if she were there by the hour but not fifteen minutes early. Then another saying, "If you don't answer me, I have to turn around and go back home" then "I'm heading back home since you didn't answer me."

I was perturbed. For a few reasons. One because the date was off, of course--even if there'd been a legitimate emergency, that would leave me bummed. Two because she seemed angry at me--no apology or anything. Three because… Well, I thought, "What a Polak!" In all honesty, I apologize to run-of-the-mill Polaks who may be clumsy/stupid/etc. but not divas about it.

I briefly texted back some form of answer. My general persona, unfortunately, makes my gut reactions all nicey-nice. Reminded her that I simply can't check texts regularly while performing a tour. She reiterated that it was "too late" and she was headed home. I texted something about how we could try again and made idle text chitchat about being uncomfortable dressed up in the heat.

At that point in time, I hadn't ruled out trying again. Wondered whether it'd be better to meet some other way first, then attempt another tour comp. Also wondered whether it was even worth dealing with this Polak anymore.

Mostly, I was hoping for an apology. She was hot, but without some form of remorse over her screw-up, even as a Nice Guy, our dating was finished.

Considering that she was out late the night before, awoke earlier than she'd like following that on a Sunday, perhaps needed to get home for a nap or even a night's sleep to fully realize her blame in all this (and admit it), I figured I'd wait a day or so to even consider following up.

But while I'm normally pretty good about resisting the urge to visit folks' Facebook pages to see what's new--even those of recent exes… I went to peek at her page, just to see if she'd been bitching about the botched tour.

She'd un-"friend"-ed me.

So that's the last I'll ever deal with her, apparently.

People could take different lessons away from this experience. Perhaps, "Don't meet chicks on Facebook" or even, "Don't date Polaks."

As far as I'm concerned, it's a strong sign for me to never date…women anywhere near my age again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2015:
Ron Paul's Chicken Little To-Do
says he's in-know! One of the few
from years in Congress…
Yet, "Gov's bad; need less"?
Ron has his cake--and shills it, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2015:
And on the Eighth Day…God went to a street festival!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2015:
Dork Jared? As spokesman, don't mesh!
Pop culture's most lame since John Tesh!
Not only annoying,
but folks he's employing
are eatin' a little TOO "fresh"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2015:
To any aliens out there picking up late-night cable-TV ad signals from Earth, it would seem our entire economy runs on insurance, malpractice lawsuits, get-rick-quick scams, beer and quirky merchandise of questionable quality.

Which… Well, really, is about right…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2015:
My kitchen's, though fine cook must say,
had Hamburger Helper in play!
A simple time saver
always with new flavors
though all taste the same--like Subway!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2015:
Since I consider myself far beyond the average amateur chef, do they make "Blow the Cook" aprons?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2015:
It's said, let million monkeys hammer
at keyboards--Shakespeare one will stammer
out, down to the letter!
Bet most, too, with better
than folks' modern-day Facebook grammar!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2015:
We have another badly needed, modern jargon term for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

This applies to TV shows both old and new, but fully "modern" in the sense that scores of cable channels are now replaying these old ones. The seasoned reruns began with inarguable classics, now are scraping the bottom of the barrel with the likes of "Saved By The Bell," joining new TV shows that…well, most don't even see a second season and… We dub these situational comedies, "shitcoms"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2015:
'Mong humor rags, Onion's true rarity--
spot-on satire while lens of clarity!
But its Clickhole's missing mark!
Send-up Web pubs embarks--
but we're now living a parody!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2015:
Witnessed some selfie media sharing apparently making a connection between Caitlyn Jenner's being herself ("media accepted") and Tim Tebow's being himself ("media shunned").

As long as we're comparing apples and oranges and calling it "news"… Jenner won many gold medals in his athletic field while Tebow...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2015:
Cowboy on rare town trip, as lonely male,
made time with fair blonde sporting ponytail,
which he grabbed like lasso--
like bronco rode ass, whoah!--
off into the sunset on moany trail!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2015:
Since many describe going through a "second childhood," is it possible for one to just relive a "second puberty"?

Asking for a friend…of a friend…theoretically, of course…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2015:
This zombie craze? Find monsters neat,
but most dull? Brainless walking meat?
Best guess? Started ragin'
'round start of invasion
of Smartphoning Dead walking streets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2015:
Chicago, headquarters of the Daily Limerick, um, Towers, dubs itself "The City That Works."

That's really not saying much. The more important question is just HOW it works.

Let's emblazon our road signs and such with, "We Know A Guy"…

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/26/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Stuffed Koala, a Cheap Earring, a Phony Pearl and Refrigerators from Around the World
Playing a 1920s gangster as a tour guide in Chicago, I perform for people from around the world.

I've begun keeping items received from these tourists on a shelf in my living room. On the hearth, I guess you'd say, as it's the shelf above the fireplace.

The items include...today's title. Plus some macadamia nuts from a Hawaiian tourist, which were, of course, eaten long ago.

I've only worked this gig less than two years.

The refrigerators? Passengers take pics with gangsters (us guys) after tours. Which are on refrigerators from Around the World.

Or, more likely, on Facebooks of folks from around the world. Which makes it seem creepy, so I'm sticking with refrigerators…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2015:
Too Much Information Age perk be
flicks/shows, from obscurity, jerked, see?
Many, classics bona fide,
some best to just let lie--
these I have dubbed, "Undead Turkeys"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2015:
Does anybody actually USE hashtags?

Okay, we're not sure of the proper terminology here. Obviously, everybody and their third cousin's plumber uses them in the sense of…setting them up, if you call it that? But does anybody type in, say, #egomaniacselfiefest or #ipeedthreetimestoday to see the results?

We wonder.

In fact, we have a hunch that NOBODY uses them. More busy work for the ego. Just as everybody scrolls past the photo you took of your couscous, nobody's typing out your hashtags.

They tell us that, as a business person/contractor/freelancer/etc., you HAVE to get hashtagging…but "they" in this case are mostly shysters trying to shill their services teaching selfie networking skills. Selfie networking itself is another "must" but… We're in danger of digressing.

We had the Dot-Com Bubble Crash around the Turn of the Century, wherein all the Web sites sucking up venture capital panned out to be all fantasy, crashing the economy. The Great Recession was mostly ushered in by the Real Estate Bubble.

All these "friends" and "followers" and "liking"" and "going" to posted events, etc.?

Our entire society and culture will soon be one big Bubble...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2015:
The Bible says, God's day of rest was pulled
off Seventh Day. (In space/time vestibule?)
Though no expert here, must say,
if summer, on Eighth Day,
God must've hit a street festival!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2015:
In an episode of "All in the Family," Archie records a TV news editorial wherein he asserts that the best way to prevent plane hijackings is to arm all of the passengers.

Now, perpetual Presidential long-shot candidate Rick Perry comes forth to claim that the best way to prevent movie theater shootings is to arm all movie-goers.

Great. Now life imitates Archie Bunker...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2015:
At "Kiss the Cook" apron you look;
to kiss him, girl, you're on the hook!
Most? Weekend 'cue amateurs!
As fine chef, rest assured,
my apron reads "Blow the Cook"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2015:
We're coming to grips with the fact, or trying to, with annoying Tech Age jargon like "omg" and "lte" and…(shudder) "lol."

If you can't beat 'em… Well, we sure as hell ain't joining, but we're accepting. Okay, tolerating. Or trying to tolerate. We realize that all this abbreviating is necessary in this rush-rush world of ours, now that…we have more free time than at any other point in the history of Humanity. Anyway.

But TGI Fridays, or are the bastards just Fridays now?... Calling appetizers "apps" in your shills?

Somebody please stop these folks. Kidnap their marketing team or…something.

For one thing, it's confusing, as "app" is now commonly short for "applications" on mobile devices. And we're sure TGI Whatever-the-Hell also has such an app, and one just as useless as the vast majority of them.

But, really, do we have to… Oh, we're gonna cut this short and go barf…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2015:
Would beings from other stars scoff
at late TV ads we out loft?
Thinking our economy's
scams, lawsuits, scares, beer... Gee,
guess they would not be far off!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2015:
We've previously mentioned the frustrating situation out there for single folks seeking to strike up conversations with strangers in public, with seemingly 50 percent-plus of the population constantly wearing earphones/buds or some form of headset.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Many of these folks are on "standby" or keep volume low, but… Aaargh.

Recently witnessed a woman wearing earbuds…in a bar.

Okay. Perhaps she doesn't have air conditioning at home. Or was on a work break…having a beer? Well, perhaps there's some explanation we're not thinking of here.

More and more, Life's just a pesky pain-in-the-ass disrupting everyone's…online presence, or whatever...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2015:
Got new name for one type of sitcoms,
as some call those from England "Britcoms"--
all these turkeys, old and new?
"Full House" to mod renewed,
some undead reruns… The "shitcoms"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2015:
On Chicago's Michigan Avenue, you'll find many beggars.

Perhaps because of all the competition, most of them sit around in a staked-out space with signs summarizing their lots in life.

Saw one such panhandler recently whose grammatically nightmarish sign dubbed him not just a veteran, as many of these signs do, but also a war hero, even going into details on his saving comrades.

Sure, we feel a tinge of guilty in making fun of someone in such a state. Many of these stories are undoubtedly true.

But bragging out yourself and mangling the language? What does he think Michigan Avenue is--Facebook?...