Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: March 2015
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2015:
That comic who's causing mere quasi-
laughs? Much like that Muppet named Fozzy?
Yet keeps at it, day-to-day,
has a tag, spelled diff way--
I call that sap, "comic-kaze"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2015:
These TV commercials for TransUnion, to play off the fact that every regular guy/gal can obtain free credit reports from them, feature… Well, allegedly "regular" modern Americans dancing and such, in roles most ads would reserve for model/actor types.

One can only hope these shills are using exaggeration here, otherwise we're facing another social chasm ala the widening gap between rich and poor.

Can we really now be divided between model-attractive and ugly fat asses? Is our middle class, of attractiveness, indeed vanishing, too?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/1/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Daily Limerick Has Been Experiencing Technical Difficulties
Today's title says it all, despite my now saying more…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2015:
'Mong guys who befriend chicks, 's'long been known,
land Friend Zone! No lovin'! Left, trend's, 'lone!
Wh'er know it, or mistook--
now gets worse! Thanks Facebook,
for birthing new dweeb hole, the "Friend" Zone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2015:
There's absolutely nothing wrong with a red-blooded, straight, non-elderly American man diggin' a little "Murder, She Wrote," is there?

Very few outlets for the classic whodunnit genre otherwise. You know, in the classic literary tradition of Agatha Christie and such.

Okay, then, don't answer…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2015:
For sportsmen, there's term that's used towards them--
in fact, with nod, "active," rewards them!
But you don't hear fuss
about rest of us--
at least, no one's dubbed ME, "indoorsman"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2015:
Can't stand seeing "March" abbreviated, ridiculously, as "Mar."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Folks have their reasons, but irks the scratch out of us…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2015:
Lent--faithful, for tasty foods, wish!
And I've noted many fine dish
with face-stretching smiles!
Guess 'cause Lent we wile
away eating whole lotta fish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2015:
While I'm no religious practitioner of Lent, ads and the world at large have me craving seafood offerings this time of year. So upon hearing ads for Burger King's Spicy Big Fish, priced with its two-for-$5 sandwich deal, I could hardly wait to give it a whirl…and review it here.

As a fish sandwich, quite good--and priced delightfully. My issue is the whole "spicy" thing.

Now, I'm a spicy kinda guy. Most of the time, when foods are dubbed "spicy," "hot," etc., I don't find them so much so. I can handle, and very much enjoy, downright hot cuisine. Which perhaps makes me cosmopolitan, defying the stereotype of Americans as needing their ethnic, etc. meals "blanded down."

Nonetheless, I could barely, if at all, distinguish this "Spicy" Big Fish from the regular version. I even sipped a beverage to clean my palate before nibbling a small piece of the fish patty itself to find no "spicy" registering with the tastebuds.

Maybe that's just me and Slapper Yapper Grasshopper Americans, of the non-cosmopolitan variety, will indeed find the sandwich "spicy."

In any event, a good fish sandwich in either variety, although I must say the McDonald's Filet o' Fish is the best of the fast-food line, except of course for the offerings at Long John Silver's…but that's another topic so, as the bad comics so often warn, don't get me started...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2015:
Though bankrupt, Greece aims to be new
darling…socialist lib'ral boo?
Commies died for reason, see?
Greek reasons, Greek to me--
to laws of logic, Greek, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2015:
We haven't seen nor read "Fifty Shades of Grey"--and don't plan to--it occurs to us, from the buzz, reviews, etc., that it's really, "Kink for Dummies"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2015:
Dead? "Legacy" thing ensures Face-
Book page lives in eternal grace!
See, these selfie network sites,
here to stay, ageless plight!
Don't believe me? Ask MySpace!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2015:
Speaking of sexual positions, our favorite is the Flying Peruvian Jackhammer.

While we're on the topic, we feel the Missionary Position gets a bad rap. Sure, it's obvious and all, but when you take… Anyway, there you go...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2015:
A clumsy young virgin named Larry,
at point where he'd pop girlfriend's cherry…
Foreplay, "Fuck me!" she extolled;
nervous, he hit wrong whole…
Instead, popped her dingleberry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2015:
Do we have an idea that could very well revolutionize the Entertainment Industry, starting with live, local scenes--

Open mic pornography!

See, people could… Hey, they laughed at Edison, too…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2015:
Pop word game goes such, "Can't spell 'vanity'
without 'tan'!" (example)--make own, can! See?
I'll give game a switch-up twist!
How's it go? Just like this--
"CAN spell 'estate sale' sans 'sanity'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2015:
If you've tuned-in at all recently to traditional television/cable-TV, you know we're a nation of desperadoes, turning to the Internet for dating. And you've undoubtedly seen the annoying commercial campaign for OurTime, just for such desperadoes over the age of 50.

Curiously, the music accompanying these shills mimicks the One Direction-y, boy band pap of today--not just youthful music, but 'tween stuff, shooting as young as one can shoot without going all Barney (or whatever the rugrats are singing along to these days).

This most certainly says something. But we're tired of wracking our brains on the matter.

We'll leave that job to the aliens receiving our signals way out in space, now convinced that, not only is there no intelligent life here, but that there's no well-adjusted and advanced lifeforms, either...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/8/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Diggin' Lent for a Change
I didn't quite understand what Lent was until I was well into adulthood.

I knew that people forego meat in favor of fish, especially on Fridays, during Lent--thanks to working at Long John Silver's in high school. I knew of Mardi Gras, heard of Ash Wednesday, knew of Paczki Day, being a quarter Polish (but not that it was the Polish Fat Tuesday)…yet didn't realize how they all related, or even that they had anything to do with Easter.

I was baptized Catholic, but my Catholicism pretty much ended there. As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, I believe firmly in a God or Gods and a Meaning to it All, but don't see what the hell that religion stuff has to do with it.

It wasn't until it hit my thirties, I believe, that these things all connected for me. Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras/Paczki Day all one and the same, the last day to live it up before Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, and sacrifice until, and leading up to, Easter. ("So THAT explains all the booze/boobs/beads of Mardi Gras!")

Even after finally figuring this out, I haven't exactly marked the observances. Sure, my family always has Easter get-togethers and I buy paczki around Fat Tuesday. But I don't give anything up for Lent, in the same way I don't make New Year's resolutions. (I'm constantly setting goals and improving myself, but not due to any calendar cues.) Other than performing with a sketch trio one year as part of a Seven Deadly Sins Mardi Gras show, I haven't even done up the Fat Tuesday thing.

By March of last year, my father, and final living parent, was hospitalized and on his death bed, as they say, when all this began. I'd brought paczki about a week ahead of time to his hospital room, when he was still technically well and alert enough to eat one, although he didn't partake. (Dad didn't have much of a sweet tooth, nor a huge appetite during his final years.)

From there, Dad's health dove to the point where we knew this was It. We weren't able to visit him so much as observe what was left of him, such that death would be a blessing. His mother had been a good Polish Catholic, so we first hoped he'd move on from this world on Paczki Day.

It was then that, at the cue of hospital staff, my sister and I began our ritual. Heading to Dad's hospital room early, prepared to wait, perhaps even spend the night, and wait, wait, wait to be there with him when his time came.

Dad didn't make his exit until Ash Wednesday.

That launched another, rather involved ritual for me. At first, I kept an open mind and tried living to keep the family home in the country, despite have a city condo, job, life, etc. I began handling matters of the estate myself, having the job, etc. flexibility to do so.

I threw in the towel on the idea of keeping the family home after a few months, but these affairs needed settling, so I've been spending most of my time there, giving it a long goodbye. Now, a bit over a year later, an estate sale has recently been held and final preparations are being met to get the family home up for sale, thus moving back to the city, permanently, within about a month.

All of this Lent and Easter ritual is just one religion's take on concepts as old as Mankind itself. Death and rebirth, spring's continual resurgence after winter.

Though I'm not observing Lent in any traditional fashion, like many other holidays I don't exactly celebrate, it does have an effect on my psyche and moods. Throw in the fact that right around Easter, I'll officially base myself back in the city once again, the whole Easter cycle has never had so much significance to me…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2015:
Top talentless, fat-ass ho' fam,
Kardashians--Greek, to no man!
Got plan to kill plague-like hype!
Enlist government types--
Witless Protection Program!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2015:
The Groundhog Thing is all a good time, sure, but for many of us, our sinuses will predict the arrival of spring just fine...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2015:
Estate Sale! To seek dirt cheap buy they
come 'fore posted hours, get in my way!
This world's new to me,
but from what I see,
estate sale's the poor man's Black Friday!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2015:
Ever notice that drug names sound like Dungeons & Dragons characters?

"I, Crestor, attack your third-level thief Nexium--finally choosing sides in the battle of the Great Wizards Viagra and Cialis"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2015:
BK's Spicy Big Fish fits class,
fast-food fare shilled until Lent's passed!
Hot foods I can handle--
'fact, few can hold candle…
Dig Big Fish, but… "Spicy"? My ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2015:
Today's entry does indeed fit our Wednesday "Food" theme, but if you like to eat while taking in our Wednesday edition, you might wanna alter that pattern today.

We're talking McDonald's toilet cakes.

No, there's no new McToilet cake dessert or anything. I'm talking about those cleaner/deodorizer cakes placed in urinals. A new variety appeared, at least at Chicago's Rock 'n' Roll McDonald's (which I frequent, since my tour gigs start and end there). The new variety is yellow-orange, as opposed to the traditional blue, and larger yet thinner than the typical hockey puck shape.

I don't have a lot of concerns regarding toilet cakes, but couldn't help noticing. Assumed they were cheaper and/or worked better than the old variety, as there must be some reason for the change.

I did notice that as these cakes melt away, they take on a different shape, and with their coloration… Let's just say that Mickey D's might want to rethink this change, considering that the egg patties for some breakfast offerings have a similar look…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2015:
Month abbreviations go far
t'ward time and space saving! Four-stars!
But, hey--you damn chowderheads!
Short ones, leave 'lone instead--
irks me to hell to see, "Mar"!?!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2015:
Do you think everyone'd be up in arms over ISIS destroying ancient cultural sites if they were doing it to put up condo-retail-parking developments?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2015:
Though I dig the Groundhog, His Highness is
unneeded--so's his shadow shyness biz!
When spring's drawing near, see,
I'll know it quite clearly--
with my Spring Detector called, "sinuses"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th! (The only other one we have this year comes in November, so live it up…or undead it up, or whatever)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2015:
A creep into Asian chicks found one;
she took bait, so he thought, "I'll pound one!"
Though main fetish was those eyes--
cat-like, jet black, his prize!--
threw it in her winkin' brown one!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2015:
To the folks asleep in the PR Dept. at Jenny Craig--

Kirstie Alley?

She's gonna sell a WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM looking like… Well, again--

KIRSTIE ALLEY?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2015:
"Fifty Shades of Grey" gets its hum, see,
from chicks dreaming of getting some-y!
Exciting, to them--
toy with S&M!--
but seems to me it's, "Kink…for Dummies"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2015:
So now we have the Apple Watch.

First, Apple plays a starring role in eliminating the need for a wristwatch. Now, same role in ensuring everybody's gotta have one.

So, what's next? The Apple Abacus? You know damn well the same morons would be waiting in line for it, having drunk the iKool Aid...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/15/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Brown Friday
The first one knocked around 11 o'clock. My house indeed has a doorbell, so I wondered if the knock said something about the caller's state of mind (or lack thereof).

For whatever reason, normal humans often knock, somehow not noticing the doorbell, and the visitor retreated when I shooed him, so I found no cause for alarm…yet.

Maybe 10, 15 minutes later… More of them appeared. At first, just a couple. Soon, I noted a half-dozen or so… No knocking, no doorbell ringing, just milling about in the yard and driveway, obviously anxious to enter my home.

Finally, my sister arrived--the family member whose aid I'd enlisted to help me through the first day of this assault. I watched from a window as she exited the car, making a quick run through the hordes. I prepared to open the door for her at the exact second she reached it--and promptly slam it to keep out the invaders.

We'd decided well ahead of time that we were going to deal with them today. There was no turning back now. We quenched our thirsts, took deep breaths, watched the clock for the point of no return when we'd agreed to open the door, at the stroke of 12…noon.

We flung open the door, they came flooding in. The estate sale was on.

I can't maintain the zombie infestation metaphor/analogy any further. Estate sale, glorified garage/yard sale--you can imagine the scene. Some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers undoubtedly enjoy such endeavors and I'll admit that money was made. The question is whether or not it'll be enough to cover the fees to clean out what's still left.

Lessons were learned. I'll pass them on in the hopes that readers might find them useful, because once in a lifetime is enough for me with this estate sale jazz.

For starters, even if the amount of belongings left over after your parents' passing require some form of actual sale event, sell what you can ahead of time via Craig's List, Facebook local design/garage sale pages, etc.

Also, never underestimate the ability of bargain zombies to be dickheads. No matter what areas of the home you mark off-limits, no matter how clearly you designate items as "not for sale," some will nonetheless trounce all through the house if you let them, making offers on everything down to, and including, the boxer shorts you're wearing.

And, finally, no matter how appealing the idea of going through family belongings is to you, no matter how much you like the idea of giving it all a final goodbye, no matter how flexible your schedule is, no matter how much you want to save a buck… Don't do it yourself. Hire somebody.

Had I to do it all over again, I admit I don't know if I'd take my own advice.

But this may be the only strong argument for the advice-giving philosophy of, "Do as I say, not as I do...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2015:
Most ads, models, actors, do tap!
TransUnion's twist? "Regular" saps!
For real? "Normal's" THAT?
We're that ugly, fat?
No middle class--gaping "Looks Gap"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2015:
Judging by these Facebook spam-post-tags, sunglasses are apparently the New Viagra…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2015:
My, tech difficulties spur bitchin'!
When mobile device starts a'glitchin',
cut-off from the world, you be!
If, then, you must reach me,
best to try…carrier pigeon?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

(We feel semi-obligated to celebrate, being, you know, a Limerick purveyor and all, but after witnessing Downtown Chicago, St. Paddy's Weekend, a veritable festival of inability to handle one's liquor...well, we'll still celebrate…with an asterisk)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2015:
McD's has new urinal cakes!
Have reasons to give new fair shake!
Not blue, these are yellow!
Shape? Questions this fellow--
like breakfast egg patties they make!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2015:
The Baconator.

Seems I'd have gotten on this much earlier, but only recently wrapped my maw around one. Honestly a bit sick of the Bacon Hype, with festivals and all the food ads going nuts with the stuff. Doesn't nullify bacon's status as Meat of the Gods, but… Anyway.

I've gotta say I wasn't impressed by the Baconator. I do find Wendy's to have the best fast-food burgers and the Baconator was no exception--same burger patty. And the bacon itself was delightful. Didn't seem to be any more bacon on the thing than the typical fast-food, bacon burger, though.

While the bacon-burger combo is a sheer delight… Well, I do enjoy burger toppings--onion, mustard and pickles at least--and the Baconator eschews most toppings. Oh, I think the thing had ketchup and mustard, but it focuses on the meat above all else.

So there you have it. Not impressed with the Baconator. Still dig Wendy's, but will likely stick to the double stacks on the value menu, rather than all that mastur-baconing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2015:
First, they helped make wristwatch irrelevant;
now Apple Watch, must-have sheep, cell is meant!
New tech for the masses
of distracted asses--
who, 'gainst device, are less intelligent!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2015:
"iPhobia."

The fear of updating to the newest Apple iOS and encountering glitches and snafus and God knows what...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2015:
When I feel Life's getting' my goat,
guilty pleasure's one antidote!
Secure in my manhood,
the show's really quite good--
gets bad rap, that "Murder, She Wrote"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Spring 2015 (starting as of 5:45 p.m. Central Time)!…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2015:
Spring hit, on year's annual course,
right after Maureen's bad divorce!
Just as Spring was sprung,
her mating call sung…
Spring sprung--in fact, sprung like a horse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2015:
Nostalgic for bedbugs.

Seriously.

Oh, the delights coming to near-future Sunday Story Time editions, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of Spring 2015!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2015:
From Web-date ads, much can be gleaned!
Take OurTime's desp'ration machine--
for dorks 50-plus,
but background tune's thrust
seems aimed straight at…schmaltz-loving 'tweens?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2015:
AP Headline--

"Obama Floats Idea for Mandatory Voting in the U.S."

See, because freedom means not having the freedom to… No, that doesn't sound right.

Because freedom doesn't mean being free to… Hmm.

Finally! The "liberal" answer to the "conservative" paradoxical flag-burning hissy fit!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/22/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Talking "French"
It all started when Mom, Dad and I were playing Trivial Pursuit one afternoon. I believe it was the late '80s. In any event, it was when I lived with my parents, early twenties, between a failed college stint and finally getting out on my own.

While Dad and I did, indeed, care about the game itself--as competitors, we were about 50-50--it was mostly, as such endeavors tend to be, about having a good time together. Mom, in fact, was usually the first to suggest playing, even though she never won. Actually, I vaguely remember, I think, her somehow winning just once.

The cards seemed to be bring especially oddball questions, and we all seemed to be in especially goofy, yet good, moods, so well all started talking French. Make that "French."

See, my parents and I tended to watch some of the same classic comedy movies repeatedly. Not repeatedly like a child watching her favorite Disney flick 10 times in a week, but some of them perhaps…two, three times in a year? (There were quite a few in this classic stash.) Prominent among these flicks were those from Blake Edwards' "Pink Panther" series, starring Peter Sellers.

The series is in English, but Sellers' take on the great French detective, Inspector Clouseau, included a goofy, exaggerated French-like accent. A recurring gag entailed the Inspector's stubborn repetition of a goofy, unclear pronunciation of a word--such as "rrrooomm" for "room"--whereby upon the listener's eventual understanding ("Oh, you mean a ROOM"), Clouseau'd reply, "Yes, that is what I've been saying all along, you idiot."

Dad, who bore a striking resemblance to Sellers, especially when he wore a mustache in the '70s, was the first to start asking and answering the trivia questions in this accent, but before long, we were all doing it.

At one point, my dad pulled the question card. "What was Dick and Jane's cat's name?"

I don't recall whether it was my turn or my mother's, but we were both stumped. Spot, of course, was Dick and Jane's dog, but neither of us remembered the literary pair even having a cat. After wracking our brains for a bit, we gave up and asked for the answer.

"Pfffftp!" Dad replied.

"What?"

"Pffffttpprff!"

There were a few repetitions of Dad's…word. Unable to understand him, my mom tried grabbing the card to see the answer herself. Dad fought her effort, repeating the "answer" a few times, before she finally snatched it.

"Puff!"

"That is what I've been saying all along!"

From that point, we all began upping the ante on this marginally understandable accent, laughing it up all the way. This was before my drinking had become undeniably problematic, when I was of legal age, and would sometimes enjoy a few with the parents, who were the old-fashioned "a few stiff belts after dinner" types. The parents didn't indulge in the afternoon, though, causing Mom to remark, "We're laughing and carrying on like this and nobody's touched a drink!"

My sister came home with a newish boyfriend while we were amid our "French" frenzy. She'd certainly heard Dad's occasional take on the Sellers thing, but nothing like this. My mom had been cooking stew for dinner in the crock pot all day.

"Have some steeuuw."

"Some what?"

"Don't microwave that rice too long or it'll be muuuuusssh."

Those two quickly went off and did their own thing.

From then on, conversations with Mom and Dad almost always featured at least some "French." It wasn't altogether rare to even reach the "That is what I've been saying" phase. Oh, Dad had a reserved personality, so his "French" was merely occasional, but Mom and I talked almost exclusively that way, at least when other ears weren't around.

I don't know for sure, but this might have something to do with the fact that I, unlike most native English speakers, don't find a French accent particularly sexy…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2015:
Fav'rite sex position? Most yammer,
"dog style" or "cowgirl's" best to ram her!
Think "missionary's" bad-rapped,
but fave way, to ass-tap?
"Flying Peruv'yan Jackhammer"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2015:
We've got a new, badly needed modern age vocabulary word for you today--

"The self-helpie."

Let's say someone wants to take a selfie. [Cringe.] (Sorry, we cringe whenever we use the damn word. Eeew…"someone.") (Kidding, naturally. We cringe, of course, at "selfie.") [Cringe.]

Let's say someone wants to take a selfie, but feels a little funny, self-conscious, about the act (we know, hard to imagine in the Age of Selfie Media) so they enlist some else's aid and take a--

Self-helpie.

Or maybe somebody has an addiction of some sort (bet you thought we were gonna digress yet again right about here) and the selfie broadcasts this fact to the selfie media world, so subconsciously they're trying to help themselves, thus making it that way a "self-helpie." Or perhaps… We'll stick with the first definition.

Self-helpie. Use it at will, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

[Cringe]…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2015:
Idea Obama did float--
concept of mandatory vote!
Kill freedom, for…freedom?
Join Right, if can't beat 'em--
Left's flag-burn hiss fit antidote!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2015:
It would, of course, be horribly, terribly wrong to discriminate against Bruce Jenner because of the old sex change thing.

But it's full-on fair game to be prejudiced against the bastard because he/she's part of that Kardashian Pestilence.

Hell, it's well within the bounds of political correctness to lynch the bastard over that…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2015:
Since bacon's so hip, it's what's shakin',
"Baconator," Wendy's is makin'!
Though meat pair's delicious,
this take's unambitious--
same ol', same ol'; mere mastur-bacon'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2015:
While munching a solid chocolate rabbit, as I've been known to do this time of year, I noticed on its packaging… "Milk chocolate…flavored."

FLAVORED?

Keep your eyes peeled for that before purchasing, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Well, at least it was a solid…chocolate-ish rabbit...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2015:
O'er Bruce Jenner's sex change, can't bash the man;
it's Twenty-Fifteen--think white trash, I am?
Yet even in Age P.C.,
prejudiced 'gainst can be…
'cause he's 'mong Plague of Kardashians!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2015:
Caught a commercial for an exercise program called the Daniel Plan.

Yup. It's come to this.

Into the mix of gimmicky weight-loss/fitness schemes finally comes this, which boils down to--

Lose weight with Jesus because he wants you to.

The shills feature Pastor Rick, who happens to sport a spare tire…but there's enough fodder here without going there.

Bizarrely, this Daniel Plan isn't far off from Daily Limerick's take on our obesity epidemic.

We, too, feel, "For the love of God, people--just look at what abominations you've become!"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2015:
One day, when you read my biography,
hope more than of Limerick-y blog you read!
Though proud of my legacy,
invention like to see,
like, say… "Open mic pornography"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2015:
Lot of trouble from this Boko Haram group.

We think it's just a stunt--you know, to get more play on classic rock radio stations…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2015:
A man got his Chinese food fix;
coquette waitress loosed bag of tricks--
to West, kink trail blazing!
One was most amazing
with his noodle and pair chopsticks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2015:
Whew! For a moment we were worried, viewing all these ambulance chaser TV commercials, that our very own Fred the Intern was in Big Trouble.

But, thankfully, he's not. That was just his nickname in college. He and his dorm-mate/sidekick--Transvaginal Mesh and the Pelvic Sling…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2015:
Names o'erpaid "consultants" are taggin'
drugs with sound all Dungeons & Dragons!
"Third-level knight, Crestor,
joins Viagra's quest war!
Mage Nexium quaffs potion flagon…"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2015:
Don't you wish that, after their athletic careers, Bruce Jenner and O.J. Simpson just would've went off to some llama ranch or something, out of the spotlight, so we could remember them, you know, in a good way?... Anybody out there remember that they were once, indeed, world-class athletes?...

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/29/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Demolition Derby
When I was a shaver, a favorite endeavor of my sister, neighborhood friends and I was Demolition Derby.

Not with real cars, of course. There was a kids' game marketed back then, in heavy TV commercial rotation, called Demolition Derby, featuring cars designed to fall apart into a number of pieces, when subject to the right amount of impact from other such cars. Kids would face off at opposite ends of a hall or room, rev up the mini-motored cars and crash them head-on into each others'.

Great fun. Or so it appeared. Never did play the proper game--we played our own version with Lego cars. Our version was probably more fun, anyway, from the skill involved in designing your car to the undoubtedly sturdier nature of Lego-crafted cars, as compared to the made-to-break models, even if they lacked the mini-motors.

Mom wasn't a big fan, since lego chunks and even whole cars tended to bang against the walls and baseboards of the hall.

Us kids could only dream at the time of playing Demolition Derby with real cars. Hindsight being 20/20, after a young-adult alcoholism stint, I can report that the only Demolition Derby nostalgia I carry is for the Lego car version…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2015:
As one by one, culture icons go
down, on ISIS, we rain down bomb blows!
Think world'd be so irked,
if they were just jerks
bulldozing for retail and condos?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2015:
Now, Daily Limerick's not the kind or rag to be reminding readers to set clocks back/forward, bring an umbrella, etc…but Tax Day nears, and while we're no angels, don't forget that it was the IRS that did in freakin' Capone.

Perhaps that's why they say, of March, that it's "In like a lion, out on the lam," or something like that...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2015:
March--soon Tax Man hits you, ka-bam!
Don't hide--that's how Big Al was slammed!
Awaiting Spring's strike's
why's said March, "In like
a lion…and out on the lam"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2015:
We avoid these kinda stores like the plague, which is why we've just recently become aware of one called California Closets.

So… Is that the type that houses the likes of, say, Tom Cruise and John Travolta?...