Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: May 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2015:
Buble--"Body Shaming"? 'd'He scoff
at big chick? What's THAT? Did they boff?
What meaning, term pop, be?
All I can say's, stop the
modern world--I wanna get off!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Dance around the May Pole!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2015:
A gourmet chef, into inclusion,
did pardon a French dame's intrusion
on his sixty-nine
with Korean fine-
like rest'rant, dubbed flesh cuisine, "fusion"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2015:
Applying at a store that specializes in Birkenstocks, do you file a Lesume?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2015:
Nestle's target of lib'ral bark-fit--
still sells bottled water 'mid stark shit
of Cal's water loss! Fit?
Don't blame folks with faucets
at home for spawn of no-need market?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2015:
Is it just us, or are there an abnormal amount of bench-clearing brawls in baseball early this season?

Makes sense, at least in Chicago. Considering the state of our sports teams, sure the Cubs and Sox are hoping viewers will confuse the broadcasts for hockey…

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/3/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: I Planted a Tree
After mostly living out in my family home for the past year-plus, to settle estate matters after the deaths of my parents, moved back into my city home again last week.

I had a small Christmas Tree for my Chicago desk, which I hauled out to the country home in Ringwood, Illinois after the Holidays. So as my parting gift, I planted that tree among the copious others, right over the grave of my late cat, Chester…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2015:
This "50 Most Beautiful" bugs me!
Praise "stars" too much--sweep 'neath a rug, see?
Edition to spit out
that I'd give two shits 'bout?
Try running a "50 Most Ugly"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2015:
Any folks we've met who take naps, as adults, have been…less than the most productive, efficient, intelligent, motivated, etc. people around, we'll say.

So it is with great suspicion that we greet this flurry of pro-napping studies and hipster companies in the news lately.

True, we greet any and all studies these days with suspicion, since most today are bankrolled by companies and other entities with agendas seeking a specific outcome from such "science." Drug "research," "secondhand smoke," etc.

So regarding this nap claptrap, we're thinking… Kindergarten teachers? Big Kindergarten?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2015:
Bruce Jenner trades jock for a dress;
Big Interview kicks off this mess--
all other shows analyze!
Aliens' prying eyes
'd'think, "State of Union Address"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2015:
On both sides of the partisan aisle, we have these optimists believing the likes of Ron Paul and Bernie Sanders have a prayer of being elected president.

Who do they think they are--Cubs fans?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2015:
Doritos churns out new taste treats,
so Spicy Street Taco seemed neat!
Thought, "As from street vendor!"
Aims short of such splendor--
try taco SCRAPED OFF OF the street!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2015:
Don't normally do reviews for Wednesday Food content, but gotta tip the hat to Su Casa, Mexican restaurant on Ontario in Chicago's North Loop.

The joint's new to me, so haven't sampled their menu offerings at large, but I ordered chiles rellenos and… Most places give you a choice of cheese OR meat tucked into those delightfully battered and fried poblano peppers.

At Su Casa, they come with the cheese inside as a rule. With the option of ADDING steak inside.

Take note, every other Mexican restaurant on the planet…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2015:
So Sandler flick causes to-do? Dissed
American Natives? 'd'Not knew this--
a send-up/farce "degrades" all!
Left, from Right, grabs the ball--
Free Speech/sense of humor clueless!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2015:
Since just before the dawn of this century, there's been a movement to reverse the gains of science and take society back before the Scopes Monkey Trial--perhaps even before Galileo's acceptance.

This is turn has spawned an eery reaction among "progressives" to proudly declared themselves atheists.

We say that, rather than launching into more brainless black-and-white thinking, it's high time to reclaim a belief in God and a Meaning to the Universe--from the whackadoodle realm of "religion"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2015:
So think you'll, to curb money woes,
take roommate? From one in the know,
try homelessness first!
Fact--roommate hell's worse!
Roommate PSA--Just Say No!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2015:
A woman is in the news for using the Pizza Hut App to save herself and kids from a hostage situation.

So these kinda apps aren't completely useless after all. Because if you order Pizza Hut so often that you actually need such an app, well…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2015:
When dame, 'round me, acts Betty Boop,
I buzz 'round her hive, for the scoop…
If the stars align right,
she's in for one wild night--
that lady will find herself Slooped!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2015:
Behind every great looking woman, there's a man… Okay, there's a man wishing he was behind every great looking woman…or there are many men who only wish they were behind every good looking woman…or something…but you get the idea…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2015:
So tired, you're near worthless--no crime…
though it's on your employer's dime!
Not your fault, half day off!
We're 'mid hockeya playoffs--
and last night's game went overtime!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2015:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Was waiting for a bus the other day along with a lady.

At some point, I saw the bus coming, a few stops away, just up the street.

The lady did not see this. She was too busy checking her Chicago Transit Authority Tracker App...

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/10/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Coming…
…Big Announcement/Tale…seriously… You'll understand when it comes…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2015:
Chick's Pizza Hut app saved--close call!--
fam from kidnapper's threats to maul!
So ordering apps,
those piles of tech crap,
can show usefulness after all?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2015:
So we're all obligated to engage in this Spring Cleaning?

How come this doesn't arise for other seasons? Wouldn't it make more sense to have a to-do for Fall Cleaning, since we're gearing up to spend a whole lotta time around the homestead at that point?

Oh, we'll bitch and moan, sure, but we've whipped out the scrub pads and the cleaners and the sprays, etc., blah, yadda, here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2015:
Rain comes--not mere drizzle, but hella!
Note most downtown ladies and fellas
are out unprepared!
For Human Race, scared!
(Walk 'round in spring--without umbrellas?)

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2015:
Caught some sort of news reference to "smart mirrors."

Honestly, were a little afraid to look into it further.

Okay, scientists and tech geeks--we have enough artificial intelligence. The rest of us need to work on the old fashioned "natural intelligence," since we're really letting that slip…in fact, probably because we now have the artificial version, so that just helps make our point…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2015:
Must eat somewhere new, not ho-hummy!
Chinese, Mid-East, 'cue… All sounds yummy!
Yet sandbagged's my plan--
I go Mexican,
'cause top goal is filling my tummy!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2015:
Considering that its cheap-as-hell status is the only reason anybody eats the tasteless crap, why does Subway even bother offering coupons?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2015:
When lady I know comes and says to me,
at Birkenstock store, filed a resume,
in turn I advise
her that it'd be wise
instead to turn in there a "lesume"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2015:
Social media "news" headline--

"Morgan Freeman: Actor Calls for Full Legalization of Marijuana"

That'll do it.

After nearly a century of idiot drug policy fueled by timid politicians ignorant of mountains of scientific and historical evidence to the contrary, all we really needed was an actor to stand up and set things straight…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2015:
'Round now, Chi-Town's teams of baseball
play 'mid Blackhawks' playoff race, y'all!
Ploy White Sox are makin'?
Hope viewers mistake 'em
for hockey…with all their basebrawls!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2015:
So they're finally canceling "American Future Trivia Question Answer"…er, "American Idol"?

Just when we decided there's no hope for the human race… Keep going back and forth on this one…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2015:
A man had girl jump from his cake
on birthday--day spent on the make!
'Mid candles and frosting
he turned to accosting--
and played Pin the Tail on the Snake!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2015:
So U2 guitarist The Edge fell off the stage at a show in Vancouver.

There was a time when we'd assume that intoxication played a part…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2015:
Weight-loss shills should, SlimFast to Bally's,
show bod success--'hind, which, can rally!
So I must ask, what's the deal?
Fell 'sleep 'hind PR wheel?
Jenny Craig… Why Kirstie Alley?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2015:
You know you should take a break for Spring Cleaning when you glance at your Solar System wall calendar and think, "Somebody needs to get out there and scrub those rings off of Saturn"...

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/17/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: It's the Eve of the Eve of…
...My Birthday… Rather than filing an edition, perhaps I'm off playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey… Wouldn't you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers like to know?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2015:
Conspiracy! Lazy beseechers
of pro-napping "studies"! (Real reachers!)
Who's steering this wagon?
Top suspects? Those naggin'
power mad...kindergarten teachers?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2015:
When folks speak of worst case scenarios involving terrorists, you usually here about possibilities like taking out our water supply or the Internet.

But it's as simple as taking out our air conditioners.

Seriously. People flick them on the second it hits 70 degrees, whine and moan if they have to spend five minutes somewhere without it.

More evidence that our human evolution is going backwards.

Bunch of wimpy ass sitting ducks...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2015:
Though simple guy--take birthdays mellow--
'd'like two types 'fore death, birthday "hellos"...
Cake, hot lady-bringing,
and room of folks singing
me, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2015:
From all of you, to all of…well, to me, a very Happy and Extra Cheezy Birthday!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2015:
When Subway's the feature for "soup's on!",
sole reason? It's cheap! Don't be duped, mon!
"Guac," "'Talian," "grilled," named--
it all tastes the same!
So why do they spew endless coupons?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2015:
Here's a "Food"-related tale of hope, redemption and… Well, and interesting incident of fortunate circumstance, anyway.

My birthday was yesterday. I'm pretty low maintenance with such things, but one thing I always DO want for the celebration is some food delivered, or carried out, or in a restaurant, etc.

I love Indian food and an Indian restaurant opened right on the corner from me recently. So since my actual birthday had a playoff hockey game on, I figured I'd go to dinner with a friend the night previous--at the new Indian place.

Except, the day before Birthday Eve, I noticed the restaurant looking dim…with the sign on the window, "Closed Until May 27th."

Bastards.

The plan was on, I just wasn't sure where we'd eat as a replacement.

Earlier that day, I made a trip to Home Despot. (Not SIC--spent far too much time at that joint lately…but that's a whole 'nother story.) This trip entailed a good walk..but I discovered, upon arriving home, that I'd forgotten a new toilet seat, of all things, amid all I had to carry home.

I discovered this just as my friend arrived. Called the Despot; they'd hold the seat for me. So me and my friend took a walk back to HD, it being a nice day, figuring we'd find a place to dine along the way.

There was an Indian restaurant across the street from Home Despot. So had my (cup)cake(s) and lamb vindaloo, too!

Best to just roll with these favors from Fate, rather than chance it by wondering, "What's the Cosmic catch?"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2015:
For The Edge, fall from stage was fated!
Way back, fans would wait, with breath bated,
for why fell, awent "boom!"
These days, just assume,
just old--not mere intoxicated!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2015:
Online headline--

"States Help Get Heroin Antidote into the Hands of Regular Folks"

Fight drugs…with drugs?

Naw. We're not hopelessly under the thumb of Big Pharma or anything…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2015:
Folks backing likes Sanders and Rand?
Doomed candidates--don't understand!
Each pres. 'lection, join circus!
Waste time/cash, seems purpose!
Just who are these folks--Cubs fans?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2015:
Just curious… Do lives matter without a hashtag campaign?... And do hashtags really constitute a movement…or just #preachingtothechoir?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2015:
Astronomers sought, Flo and Chip, fer
signs, alien life, they could flip fer!
Flo peeked 'neath Orion's Belt,
saw a star…no, she felt
one hidden 'hind Chip's Big Zipper!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2015:
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three--one to actually change the bulb, a second to hold the bulb-changer's billy goat beard out of the way and a third to download a useless app for changing lightbulbs…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2015:
Let's reclaim God--make the decision--
from anti-sex, anti-science pigeons!
To me, seems God gels!
Don't know what the hell
that has to do with whacked "religion"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2015:
How many Kardashians does it take to change a lightbulb?

We're not sure of that answer, but more than a million would apparently watch…thousands of media types would cover what happened…and another thousand media types would cover the coverage of the incident…

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/24/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Basement Alarm
I recently completed the year-ish long project of cleaning out the family estate home following the deaths of my parents. This entailed moving tons of items, or "junk," from room to room for cleaning/assessing/keeping, then gathered for the estate sale, then having the remainder tossed into a dumpster.

Before the dumpster step in this process, this left two rooms, basement and garage, housing piles and piles of what was then left.

I lived out in the country home, mostly, despite having another home/work/etc. in Chicago, while engaging in this process. I discovered, when spending time in the kitchen, that the basement, through a door and down a stairway from the kitchen, contained something that emitted an alarm sound at some regular point each day, in the afternoon.

With repeated hearings of this alarm, I honed-in on the general time it did its thing, then decided that, when I heard it, I'd run down to the basement to locate the source of it. Mostly out of curiosity, as it wasn't loud or long enough to disturb me and, of course, it was going to be trashed soon anyway.

Well… I'd get halfway down the stairway and the damn alarm would stop.

So I honed-in even closer to the exact time of the alarm, steeled myself at the ready and prepared for an Olympic-style dash to locate the source.

Damned short alarm, I tell ya'. Couldn't catch the device in the act.

Then came the dumpster day and, of course, I never heard the alarm again.

I suppose there's a metaphor or something in this tale. It's up to you to figure it out, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. I just wanted to toss a real edition out there, committed to ending the regular weeks off for this feature after a hectic year of estate chaos, which should happen… Oh, just after I file that Big News Edition I keep hinting at… Not far off… Seriously…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2015:
Behind ev'rey great man you pick,
there's a better woman--wise schtick!
But can also say you'll see
million men wanna be
behind each great lookin' chick!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2015:
Bus takes so long, could take a nap!
See it up street, feel urge to clap!
It pulls up and I'm prepared,
unlike another fare--
too busy with her bus app!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2015:
How many social media activists does it take to change a light bulb?

Admittedly a bit of a trick question. It might take only one person to post selfies and hashtag the hell outta the process, but considering that none of this nonsense accomplishes much of anything, no bulb would actually be changed…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2015:
Love chiles rellenos--they taste so
grand, order each Mexican place go!
Most give choice of cheeze or meat;
found joint knows to compete!
Trend this--con carne Y queso!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2015:
Tough times tend to bring out the ingenuity in people. For example, two celebrated Chicago culinary inventions arose during the Great Depression.

The Chicago style hot dog arose as a way to make a meal of a simple wiener by adding fresh vegetables to the frank all atop a bun, while the Italian beef sandwich began when folks learned that soaking beef in water made it feed more people (making its own gravy in the process, to which spices were soon added and…there you go).

I am, however, at a loss to explain any great culinary inventions from the Great Recession. Maybe this is due to the prevalence of cheap super grocers. Or because many cheap staples are already in place, thanks to budgeting seniors and students, such as ramen noodles or pet food.

Then again… Maybe the Great Recession didn't bring any delicious new foods, but it simply must've had something to do with the fact that there's now a freakin' Subway on every other street corner...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2015:
Here's joke--how many hipster chaps
it take to change lightbulb? Give, saps?
Three--one to change bulb, okay:
one keeps his beard out 'way;
third downloads useless bulb app!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2015:
There's a TV commercial in heavy rotation now, for some chain restaurant we believe, featuring various personality types.

We've noticed that one such type in the ad, people obsessed with taking selfies, comes across as far more annoying that the outdated type also featured (uttering catch phrases like, "Raise the roof!").

So in addition to the commonly believed phenom of culture's continual dumbing down--dovetailing with our sincere belief that we're actually de-evolving and growing more stupid as individuals--we cannot help but reach the conclusion that society is growing more and more annoying, as well…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2015:
Just how spring, I have trouble gleaning,
took on obligatory meaning--
know it's arbitrary,
yet roped-in… It's scary--
conspiracy of this Spring Cleaning!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2015:
"Internet Celebrity"

Now, the long-standing rule is that if someone need be referred to as a celebrity… Well, they are a "celebrity," but not a celebrity.

With the addition of the adjective "Internet"… Since there's no longer a need for some form of talent or skill to attain the title, I suppose we'll be seeing more and more of these adjectives to describe folks whose only job title happens to be "celebrity"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2015:
A girlie went flying a kite;
gust came and she squealed with delight!
Skirt rose with the kite, though;
kite crowd squealed, too, with show
of hot tail on "box kite" in sight!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2015:
A corruption scandal amid FIFA?

Just who the hell do they think they are--the Olympics?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2015:
How many Kardashians take to
change a lightbulb? Give up? Here's a clue--
don't know and don't care!
But Med'ya'll be there--
in numbers that match those tuned to view!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2015:
It's the year 2015. Let's finally get rid of those barn doors in underpants.

At least "barn door" is what my mother taught me to call the opening in men's underwear that's supposed to conveniently match up with a pants zipper.

It never matches up well and it's just as easy to pull the underpants down for a whiz. Nobody uses them. Well, at least the few guys I've discussed it with don't use them. Can't imagine anyone finding them useful. Just leads to one's John Thomas flopping about inside.

Hey, it's an easier goal than World Peace…

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/31/2015:
A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY
(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: This is a Weekly Feature
It may not seem like it, what with my life having been in a limbo of turmoil for the past…many moons, but this is, indeed, a weekly feature.

The regular blow-offs will come to an end very soon, with the appearance of that Extra Special edition I've been teasing, soon, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, very soon...