Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: November 2015
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2015:
It's small talk, but not just a moot thing!
"How 'bout weather, Bears?" News astute thing!
New topic to tether
to, reg'lar as weather…
These days can ask, "How 'bout that shooting?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2015:
Today being the Day of the Dead, especially in Latin American cultures, is all fine and good with us--as long as they're not that "grateful" sort of dead…got more than our fair share of them here in Chicago last summer…

Happy Extra Cheezy Day of the Dead!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2015:
An ebony Goddess of Wow
lived life with no romance allowed!
To date her cost money
(and came with no honey!)--
'til lust welled so much, went ker-POW!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2015:
We recently point out that these "news" stories about the Chicago City Council approving a budget, or ANYTHING, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel floats…well, aren't actually news, considering those toadies vote for EVERYTHING the shyster wants.

This brings us to another badly needed new word for such situations. They are not "newsworthy," but "newsworthless"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2015:
Next comic star Hollywood's pilferin's
great "'real' actress now" Sarah Silverman?
Long line of greats--killed 'em!
Steve Martin, Rob Williams…
When humor, not drama's, tough bill to pin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2015:
"Harley personal."

Chief Limericist checking in, here, trying to figure out what that old note to self meant.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I have my own system of organization, including computer, files, calendar, notepad, etc.; and traditional, notebook, wall calendar, etc.

Before I gave up on daily newspapers, I'd keep them each for a month (in case needed for reference) and write notes to myself atop so that, before recycling, I'd be reminded whether there were articles, etc., I wanted to save. Sometimes the newspapers had more immediate reminders written in the top right corner, knowing I'd see them before filing the copy away for the month. I'd usually scratch those off before filing, but sometimes I'd forget.

Well, some of the newspapers were saved indefinitely on my bookshelves. I've been burning through them, as fireplace kindle, slowly organizing things in the homestead and realizing that, without some form of saving measure (plastic sheaths, etc.), newspapers yellow and generally don't age well.

The one with the "Harley personal" note to self was a Sept. 12, 2001 edition off the Chicago Sun-Times, saved for obvious keepsake purposes but just too ugly and thus being burnt through. I didn't notice this note to self until after burning the copy's middle sections, which would house the "personals" section, if that's indeed to what I referred.

Not being a motorcycle person, I'm assuming "Harley" referred to a cat I had then of the same name. Considering I was then married, my best guess is that a personal ad referred to some "Harley," which was humorous if imagined to refer to the cat, and that I intended to show it to Wifey for laughs.

Well, it's interesting to me. Funny how memories float close, then away, from all these different sources…blah blah, yadda yadda.

Hey. It mostly works for me. Never said my organizational system was perfect, though...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2015:
"Best Mac 'N' Cheeze Pizza in Town"?
They brag 'bout this? What most astounds?
Implies "best," are others
who ruin 'za with smother
of mac 'n' cheeze? Foodie, ass clowns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2015:
I've been biting my tongue on this for some time, so to speak. Yeah, yeah, yeah, commercials are stupid, but these for Progresso's chicken soup? Tootin' their horn silly over the fact that they use white meat chicken?

Okay, white meat chicken is the perpetual rage. Lower fat, easy to put on a sandwich, communion wafer at the alter of Wellness…but it has virtually no taste.

For something like chicken soup, you need skin, fat, marrow, etc. Progresso does, too. So they add it, artificial like, via bouillon. Rather than using a whole, real chicken to begin with.

Otherwise, they couldn't rave about using "only" white meat chicken…knucklehead hacks...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2015:
Steve Jobs raised to god, 'nother movie?
New gadget? Must have to stay groovy!
Kidnapped world's attentions!
Must ask, new inventions…
Addicted, but are lives improving?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2015:
Seeing signs all around town proclaiming, "We clean Uggs!"

Now, isn't the purpose of cleaning clothing to… Well, if you're wearing Uggs, you're not exactly looking to impress with your footwear so, er… Why?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2015:
Mobile applications, dubbed "apps,"
oft suffer a quality lapse
or are mere tech addict fix--
phone for 'za, too tough trick?--
data farms. Better called "crapps"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2015:
An episode of TV's "Inside Edition"--

"Exploring the Dangers of Filming a Karaoke Selfie While Driving a Car"

Hmm.

Why not one on "Exploring the Dangers of Running with Scissors"? Playing with fire? How about a full-on, honkin' special on "The Pros and Cons of Coming in Out of the Rain"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2015:
Beat black & blue? Of that, ain't fond!
But if I could wave Magic Wand…
Get just the right pairing,
diverse duo sharing…
I'd love to be beat black & blonde!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2015:
So… Does this all mean it's okay to wear our Patrick Kane Blackhawks jerseys again?...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2015:
Bad 'nuff when's from sitcom that's flowed
to fave! But when you've just been showed
one's light; tune in; gets quirky!
Catch one of these turkeys--
"Extra Special" episode!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2015:
So Blackberry's coming out with a smart phone and… Blackberry?

Haven't heard that name in a while. Which reminds us... We think we still have MySpace accounts…if any of us still remember the passwords...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2015:
Late night TV, they're everywhere!
Commercials for rehab! Shill scares--
can't go it alone!
Gee'd, never had known
law covers 'neath ObamaCare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2015:
Public Service Announcements (PSAs) on the Chicago Transit Authority's buses and trains inform us, "If it's Unwanted, it's Harassment."

Now, realizing that maleness is the ultimate in Political Incorrectness… Well, this is plain wrong.

Harassment is when you're informed that your advancs aren't welcome, but you continue with them.

Otherwise… Well, we're not having much trouble with the task, but advances are how, you know, the Human Race continues. Reproduction. Which starts with a guy making an advance, quite naturally not knowing ahead of time whether that advance will be wanted or unwanted.

So these signs are not PSAs, but PDAs. No, not Public Displays of Affection (although we suppose they CAN be), but Public Disservice Announcements...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2015:
Chi May'r Rahm floats his budget, curt gist;
Council backs. Rags dub "news alert!" This?
They're his loyal toadies!
"News" when 'gainst him voting!
Not "newsworthy," this stuff's "newsworthless"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2015:
There's a late-night TV shill in rotation for a tax debt relief company that trumpets the business as "Faith-Based."

This, of course, can translate into a number of things, none of which we'd think would make a turd's worth of practical difference when choosing a tax debt relief company.

Then again, anybody in the market for such services has likely become a prayer proponent...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2015:
Progresso shills, "All white meat chicken"
in soup! No fat/skin/taste, so kick in
bouillon, so can savor!
Indirectly flavors…
Prefer "Whole damn chicken we stick in"! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2015:
The only breakfast cereals I buy are the sugary ones dubbed "kid cereals." Well, I can't say "only" since, for example, recently I ended up with one of those healthy-assed, whole grain, low-sugar, boring (without a cartoon character on the box) varieties.

That box was bought for a guest…'nother story. Guess I should've written, "The only breakfast cereals I buy for myself are…" You get the point.

I tried some of this "adult" cereal. Wasn't bad. I do like things like trail mix and, really, any cereal, outside Grape Nuts. But it seemed it needed something.

Also have some of the Monster Cereals still around from the Halloween Season. Now these marshmallow-happy cereals are so sugary… Well, I mixed "kid" and "adult" together and it was quite delightful.

Just goes to show you that, if it's edible, you can figure out something to do with it. In fact, I pride myself on such culinary creativity.

Now if I can only think about a use for that 40-ounce can of yams I've had in the cabinet for a few years now…

Oh, and Happy Extra Cheezy Veterans Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2015:
Signs 'round town with curious plug,
on cleaners, proclaim, "We Clean Uggs!"?
Like dusting a junkyard!
Shoe fashion, ain't thunk hard
on! Trust me--they're hopelessly fug!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2015:
There's been a lot of discussion on the Millennial Generation, and its reputation for a sense of entitlement.

We understand the reasons for the stereotype, as well as the arguments of its exaggeration, but… Case in point, a certain line of auto insurance commercials.

These feature "testimonials" ala, "I crashed my car and, can you believe it, the insurance company RAISED MY RATE?"

The company in question ballyhoos its "accident forgiveness" program, whereby you pay more up front, of course, so you don't pay more when/if you do have that first accident. Curious little shell game, no?

This puts us in the curious position of…well, almost, SORTA defending (gulp) insurance companies here but… This is, you know, how insurance works, folks.

This all has us feeling like we all need showers or something now...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2015:
Blackberry emerges to find place
'mid makers of smart phones to vie, race!
From rock, crawled, out, under!
Retro! Makes me wonder…
Think, not sure, I still have a MySpace?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2015:
A girl who was vanilla sweet
first pulled back when dude kissed her feet…
Soon, moanin' and whimp'rin'
when he went full shrimpin'!
Love cooked 'til she was peel 'n' eat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2015:
Dictionary.com is joining the Oxford English Dictionary in heralding a new title! Rather than a gender-specific Miss, Mr., Mrs. or Ms, one can use the gender-neutral… "Mx."!

Now if we can only rid us of those pesky genitals, all the world's problems will be solved!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2015:
CTA's PSA--"It counts, when,
as 'harassment's,' unwanted mouth spin!"
So… Guys are mind readers?
H-Word's post-"no" greet-purrs!
This? Public DIS-Service Announcement!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2015:
A Washington Post online story seeks to answer, as told in its headline, "What a Creepy Bloomingdale's Ad Tells Us About America's Understanding of Rape."

See, there's this ad featuring a man looking at a woman, who's looking in the other direction, captioned, "Spike your best friend's eggnog when they're not looking."

That's all you need to know for the answer.

America "understands" that rape, rather than being a complex problem only solved (or assuaged) by complex solutions, is best tackled by firing off angry Twits about inconsequential and questionably relevant shill language, so as to not take TOO much time away from one's selfies, Candy Crush, etc…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2015:
Folks rethinking Scopes Monkey Case?
So backwards goes the Human Race?
Can't have Pres. free-thinkin'!
Now'd not elect Lincoln!
TV biz shills even "faith-based"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2015:
We know about mojos. And, these days, we know about emojis.

But what exactly would be an emojo?

Just throwin' the concept out there. Actually a little frightened to think on it too much...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2015:
Hot new PC Cult muscle flex ?
Not Mister or Ms. but… "M-x."?
Next, off with the kid gloves!
If can just get rid of
that pesky, offensive curse…sex!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2015:
There are some among us who believe that Destiny is more than just a stripper name.

In fact, Destiny is the Lap Dance of Fate, you could say...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2015:
It made Halloween Season merry--
stockpiled Monster Cereals! Scary--
some chick left behind Great Grains!
Mix 'em to cut the plain…
Great Grains vs. Franken Berry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2015:
I think I'll call 'em… Slider-umms? If I make them again, anyway.

Big fan of Steak-umms. Usually get good rolls for the sandwiches, but my grocer with the best bakery is slightly of the way and I wasn't planning a trip, but had Steak-umms calling to me from the freezer. 7-11 had a sale on those little King's Hawaiian rolls so, rather than 1&1/3 steaks per roll, did 1-per and… Slider-umms.

Delicious as all shit, frankly.

Sure, these brought the, er, side effects one might expect, but I can't forget, don't regret, what I did…for…deliciousness!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2015:
Though "real" holiday may not be
and sticklers, with fest, won't agree…
Sure, most people shelve
such marks when, say…twelve?
But Happy Half-Birthday to me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2015:
A selfie paints a thousand misspelled words!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2015:
A Bloomie's ad jokes 'bout drink spiking;
outraged masses wield Twits like Vikings,
preventing…rape fictional!
'Net brings activists pull!
(S'long as it's easy as "liking"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2015:
So a full-on, honkin' to-do is being made over an interview with Carly Simon over just whom is referred to in her song "You're So Vain."

So… A song that's about a half-century old and Carly's thinking the world's on the edge of its collective seat to learn whom it's about?

Don't even have to read the article to learn who's "So Vain"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2015:
For bird, berries--both cran and huckle--
I don hat and shiny belt buckle!
A bonnet you don;
I leave buckle on…
Like mirror--can watch yourself suckle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2015:
For the first time in more than four decades, more Mexicans are returning to Mexico than are coming to the United States.

There goes Donald Trump's entire platform...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2015:
Emoji? I'm with in-the-know flow!
And, say, esmile can real world glow grow!
But, still, cartoon, not quite real!
Need flesh and blood to heal!
'Less there's some magic…emojo? 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2015:
UnitedHealth warns that it may exit the ObamaCare market, citing hits to profits since the legislation was enacted.

This is gonna really shake things up on ObamaCare since it threatens the health of those our government's most interested in protecting… Big Health Insurers…

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2015:
Believe in God, Meaning, Soul Mates
and magic? I do! Proud to state!
"Destiny's" eternal flame--
more than just stripper name!
Destiny's Stripper of Fate!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2015:
So Facebook is now testing tools to "help users manage interaction with exes."

Huh? We need help from freakin' Flakebook to manage our lives and relationships?

Gotta give 'em credit for always finding new ways to make us sick to our stomachs.

Although, I guess, in the vast majority of these cases both parties already admit to remaining "friends"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2015:
A picture's, goes lore we've all heard,
worth a thousand words. These days, blurred
but not fully shelved! See,
can say that the selfie
is worth a thousand misspelled words!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2015:
So, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that all Syrians DO support ISIS, contrary to, say, the Nazis or any other evil realm in history.

We ban them from immigrating…and these terrorist organizations, so far showing themselves to be wily and cunning beyond belief, WON'T shift dudes around to obtain citizenship from other countries, won't continue to get fake passports and cover computer tracks, etc.?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2015:
Forgot good rolls for Steak-umm night! Grrr!
Grabbed King's--small, so made Steak-umm sliders!
Though full-on delicious,
as one'd guess, the hitch is
spent next morning as a throne rider!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2015:
So you microwave one of those soft pretzels, late night, hungry as hell…but it apparently got some freezer burn along the way. Despite it having the consistency of a dog biscuit, you don't have much else, option-wise, for a quick, pre-bed snack, so you eat it anyway.

We've all been there, right?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2015:
Girl, know'd, treat like Thanksgiving bird!
Dressed-up fine, to cooking room, lured…
Then every inch, spice rubbed;
savor flesh, Dark Meat Club…
Work drumsticks and baste skin absurd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2015:
Carly Simon has just explained
who's ref'renced in her old refrain!
What, fifty years since her hit?
Thinks folks still give a shit?
THAT answers just who's "So Vain"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2015:
So this year, retailers are shilling the fact that they're "NOT open Thanksgiving!"

Progress, of sorts, against this growing cancer known as Black Friday, but pardon us if we're not throwing a party over it...

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DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2015:
A girl whose Yule Spirit had flopped,
sought night by Yule Log as Grinch Stop!
Saved--sugar plums, candy cane,
mistletoes licked by flames--
when roasting chestnuts went, "Pop!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2015:
We think a better name for it is "Bleech Friday"…

Merry Festively Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2015:
New Mexican border-cross stats? Swarms?
No--lowest in decades! In fact, forms
mass line back to homeland!
Jobs scarce here, understand!
There goes most of Donald Trump's platform!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2015:
Witnessed a TV commercial, basic cable, which gave us no idea as to what the hell the company does or sells.

Meaning they probably wanted us all to 'Net search it. Hell, they're probably aiming to get commentators like us mentioning the company's name.

Neither of which we'll do...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2015:
UnitedHealth will, from, defer plans,
ObamaCare--profits impure! Hence,
pol'ticians freak, scared 'bout
health of that most
care 'bout--
their Gravy Train from Big Insurance!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2015:
These late-night, TV lawyer shills seek victims of a "bleeding event."

Event?

It's not our job to come up with the right term, here. We admit it's a tricky task.

But… Bleeding event?

Sounds like an Aztec ritual…