Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: October 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2015:
In Hajj stampede, many did die! Say's
more savage than secular? Lie! Frays
in, say, U.S. ain't faith-marred!
See, our death stampedes are
mater'yalist--like Black Friday's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2015:
Rest in peace, Millie Biederman, June 10, 2000-September 30, 2015.

You might have expected that to read Mildred "Millie" Biederman, but curb your tragedy detector because 15 isn't a tragic age of death…for a cat.

For that matter, if you're not a pet person, you may not even want to finish reading this entry (if you haven't bailed already). Seriously, though, even if you ARE a pet person, I don't have much to say, but feel I should commemorate my companion of fifteen years.

Outside of Hollywood animal actors, pet obituaries seem a little silly. I suppose I could craft one, considering that cats do each have their own quirks and personalities, but I'm steering clear of any cutesy Cat Fancy-type stuff here. (Despite being a big cat lover, I've never seen the need to even open an issue of Cat Fancy.)

I've had pets all my life, family pets as a child and my "own" in adulthood, and Daily Limerick's has been around for more than sixteen years, so I've commemorated cats herein before, and thus hesitate in saying much of anything because I've probably already said it. More or less, at least, or in so many words, as they say.

Nonetheless, I must commemorate Millie's life and will likely repeat even more thoughts, feelings and/or concepts even here. When it boils down to it, isn't that what all writing does?

One has a tendency, when grieving a pet's death, to tell one's self, "It's not like they were human." And, sure, there's a good point there. But even coming off the death of both my parents over the past few years… Well, I did grow up living with  my parents. But for decades preceding their deaths, I'd see them maybe…three, four days out of the month, at most?

Millie? She was there when I woke up. When I went to bed. When I came home from work. When I'd hang out watching TV. Through a marriage, a divorce, various moves (even across country)… I could go on and on.

I've known folks who go through this process and question obtaining a new pet after one passes. I, too, have such thoughts. "You think this grieving, etc. would get easier, at least somewhat…but it doesn't. I don't want to go through this again; pets have much shorter lifespans than humans so, in taking one on, you're inevitably on track for another eventual grieving process."

So I spent days worried and depressed. Then some nights only half-sleeping--ears pealed for sounds of distress, "on call," reminiscent of when my father was ailing and sometimes falling down while making his way around the house. Then more days grieving, after reaching a point of some relief when she finally died and was through with pain.

I'm a writerly, lonesome type whose lived about half of his life single and alone. This stuff really, really hits me hard.

But when I think of a whole fifteen freakin' years of being greeted at the door coming home, nuzzled up against while hanging by the fireplace reading/writing/watching TV, entertained by play and antics… A handful of days miserable?

It was more than worth it and I'll do it again. And I'll keep doing it.

I don't know how I can do this with mere human words but… Thank you, Millie…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2015:
P.C. strives to constantly swerve, see,
'round truth with new words. Topsy-turvy
are those who seek what to say!
Thin façade, anyway--
for one, now new "fat" is…"curvy"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2015:
Okay. Saw a chick wearing one, so… Is it okay to wear my Patrick Kane Blackhawks T-shirt now?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2015:
Recovering werewolf's girl, June,
kept him chained-up--safe from full moon!
But, post- celebration,
waxed for the occasion,
and he transformed--'neath the full poon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2015:
Now, officially into that time of year where fright can be around any corner!

Er, sure, it's Halloween month and all. But we're talking of the dread associated with knowing that the first ridiculously early Christmas-themed commercial we'll catch is coming any time… Guess it's a good sign, sorta-ish, that we haven't caught one yet, but… Ahhhhhh!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2015:
Edge comics with a Twitter reach?
'Gainst their twits, P.C. Cult does preach--
like networks, back when!
Remind me again
why Internet's GOOD for Free Speech?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2015:
Caught the new "Muppets" TV show and… Okay.

We remember it as kids and therefore admit that, no matter what they do with it, it'll never live up, in our minds, to anything close to the original's delightfulness. And, sure, we guess they almost have to parody current trends in television but… Why?

Why, that is, must they do those monologue-type, one person confiding in the camera shots, ala "reality" TV? ("The Office" did this, humorously, but that's perhaps the exception to the rule…or it was like a one-joke premise or something.)

Again, folks, "reality" TV breaks new ground in that it's too bad to even parody. It does sorta parody itself, but that's also new ground in that it makes for parody that's not even funny.

Admitted entertainment dinosaurs, we do make efforts to see new shows, and while we've found "Modern Family" to be hilarious…they do it, too.

In fact, it's such a good show, that now and then some life occurrence will spur a memory of a show snippet and bring a chuckle.

But, and we've actually thought on this, those monologue-type asides are never the cuts we laugh at--remembering or watching.

Seriously, folks, why, why WHY?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2015:
Go Caitlyn!... But something's amiss
with guilt-lib'rals spouting word…"cis"?
What's next, folks drunk on P.C.?
Term for "ten-toed" need we?
"Non-challenged"? What's next on List!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2015:
From an online ad--

"Rediscover E.A.Poe as you've never done! TIM BURTON STYLE A Unique Interactive Experience!"

Er, nothing personal against Mr. Burton, but even 100 years from now, with all the wondrous technological/entertainment inventions to come, the best way to "rediscover" Poe will always be to simply read him…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2015:
Cubs? Playoffs? Though Series big steps away,
made peace with God! Tweaked faith! Each day I pray!
The world that we're living in
can't handle Cubs big win--
just in case, ready for Judgment Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2015:
We've come up with a badly needed term for how certain companies are replacing human employees with computers. Badly needed because it's not "outsourcing"--sending jobs overseas.

This is happening, somewhat, all over the place, but the biggest offender, as far as we're aware, is CVS. CVS gets away with it because they've attained Golden Child status for discontinuing tobacco sales, now that such sales (of a legal product, mind you) are at the lowest level in history anyway.

"Robo-sourcing"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2015:
We started it, so don't need reason,
but Salisbury Steaks have been teasin'--
thanks to sched., missed 'ficial Day!
So've no choice, but to say…
It's now Salisbury Steak Season!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2015:
In locales with temperate climates, as they call them, seasons transform most everything. Here in Chicago, for instance, there are practically two cities. One in spring-summer/warmth, a whole different animal in fall-winter/cold. Differing recreational activities, wardrobes…and yes, cooking.

For Warm Chicago, I aim to utilize microwaveable or stovetop entrees, even sometimes enjoying cold meals, like sub sandwiches. This doesn't mean I completely avoid the oven in summer--now and then one just has to cook up a frozen pizza--but my fridge contents and grocery lists cater to a summery feel.

And while I love the differing seasons--was really thrown off when I lived in L.A. by their lack--and enjoy the fruits each offers, I've gotta say I'm more of a Cold Chicago person. Love hangin' by my fireplace, the extra pockets cold wardrobes provide and, perhaps most of all, Cold Chicago cooking!

Already bought my first pork roast of the season and will be on that tomorrow night!

Of course, despite meteorological and astronomical definitions, the seasons don't have solid "borders" and, in fact, practically speaking, change back and forth, especially in the spring and fall. I've experienced Halloweens wearing shorts in the Windy City! Likewise, microwave meals may indeed still be dictated here and there.

And, as is usually the case this time of year, since snacking is a part of this overall seasonal equation, I am again left to deal with a veritable stash of ice cream leftover, but we all have our crosses to bear…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2015:
These criminal perverts, cold, hardened,
underserving of any pardon?
When they're seeking victims,
these days, how they pick 'em?
Do they have sites like "Tinder-garten"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2015:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Oh, and while we cut Sunday Story Time, it looks like SST may return in a new form, as occasional, similar stories herein, just not as a regular, Sunday feature.

Commemorated the passing of my cat, Millie, here just over a week ago. Again, not a pet person? Consider skipping the rest here.

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I am a religious and/or spiritual person. Not comfortable with either term, for different reasons, but I do believe in God(s) and a Meaning to the Universe. I just believe it's impossible to "know" many details about such things--one of my chief beefs with organized religion.

Anyway, Millie's companion for most of her life was another cat of mine, Chester. They were cutesy together, often even cuddling. Chester passed away around Spring 2014 and, ever since his passing, Millie did begin a decline. Yeah, hard to tell how much was just old age, but the process bore all the hallmarks of an elderly human's oft decline after the death of a long-time spouse.

Before Millie showed signs of kidney/liver failure, she engaged new habits. As one example, jumping the in the bathtub to show that she wanted to drink running water and a general fascination with running water, also curiously peeking into the toilet post-flush.

This is, of course, an evolutionary thing, but not every cat carries the fascination to this level.

Chester did.

So… Well, speculate on that all you like. I sure as hell am...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2015:
Wear Patrick Kane shirt? No, I wait
for…some news? Perhaps a court date?
But now, I'm confused!
Saw chick who did choose
to wear around HER 88?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2015:
Headline from CNNPolitics.com--

"U.S.: Russian Missiles Heading for Syria Landed in Iran"

Who do the Ruskies think they are--a Chicago Bears quarterback?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2015:
She-werewolf, had, from Terra Haute,
big date, full moon--sought antidote!
Waxed, just nether's skin! Her
cursed hair just grew inward...
Found 'self with one strange "beaver coat"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2015:
Two hippies fooling around? That's what you call "stanky-panky"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2015:
When travelers, tired, seek repast,
they choose bed and breakfast! Quaint-classed!
If they seek piece easy
and, thus, motel sleazy?
In that case, choose "break and bed fast"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2015:
Chief Limericist checking in, here, with a slice-of-life tale.

The other day, finished with work, rushing home for typical reasons--wanting to beat the worst of rush hour, hungry, just wanna get home and relax… Found myself behind a pedestrian smartphone zombie. You know, completely oblivious to reality, taking up most of the sidewalk by walking down the center, both elbows pointed outward to facilitate texting, etc.

I tried my best to navigate around the vermin, but circumstances made it impossible. He was lallygagging, of course, but walking just fast enough to make passing tricky, what with the placement of lights, poles, etc. along the way.

I reached the corner across the street from my bus stop. Saw a bus pulling up. But the "WALK" sign was still flashing, counting down... I had just enough time to cross over and catch this bus but… Smartphone zombie made me miss my bus.

Oh, I had my device, reading material, etc., so can't say the extra wait was a complete waste of time, but… This is big.

The first instance I can solidly, factually point to whereby a smartphone zombie cost me time. And considering that I had some work-related biz I'd do, given enough time, upon arriving home and before my appointed hangout/relax time, he arguably cost me money, as well.

And this is just the first instance where circumstances allowed me to observe the costs of smartphone zombies.

And that's just me and me life. What are the costs to society overall of this invention, this "progress"?

And a movie's coming out soon CELEBRATING Steve Jobs?

Okay, up until, say, the iPod or so, the guy invented and accomplished huge things in the name of progress. And, sure, smartphones are used for things other than watching Hulu, playing Candy Crush, checking selfie media… Well, maybe one out of 100 times, anyway.

But seriously, folks, it's time we looked at the invention of the smartphone--and, I'm guessing, pretty much every invention from this point forth--with some ambiguity.

Kinda like, say, the nuclear bomb?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2015:
This time of year, fear grips me bad!
Ghosts, vampires, creeps stark raving mad?
Those scare, to be fair, sure!
But tremble in terror…
awaiting first Christmas-themed ads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2015:
In Chicago, street ads for Shinola watches, out of Detroit, proclaim, "What Rust Belt?"

Er… Have you guys at Shinola noticed that, for years now, people carry phones that inform them of the exact, GPS-given time?

So is your next cocky marketing push for your new line of typewriters?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2015:
Though Syria, Russia attacked,
some bombs hit Iran! (Bit off track.)
Though miss, off, was not too far,
who do they think they are?
Chicago Bears quarterback?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2015:
Amy Schumer.

Miss Piggy.

Ever seen 'em both in the same place at the same time?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2015:
It's Fall! Pumpkins, brisk air, leaves, ghosts,
hayrides, apple cider we toast!
Strange warmth? Old friend oven!
'Long with witches' covens
it ain't autumn without the roasts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2015:
What does it mean when one screws-up the first roast of the Fall Cooking Season?

See, I misjudged the amount of oven time it'd take, so only partially roasted it, post-seasoning. Then fridged it and completed it another night.

But considering it came out fine and tasty and all… Naw. A roast is such a simple thing, cooking-wise. This could easily be worked into a Polish joke.

So I ask you again--what does it mean when one screws-up the first roast of the Fall Cooking Season?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2015:
Tim Burton flick shill! Here the lead comes--
"Re-Discover" Poe? So we need some
multi-med'ya tricks for Poe?
Best way to, that I know,
"re-discover" Poe's to…read 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2015:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers following a certain, er, secret-ish quest of our Chief Limericist's… A cryptic update, of sorts.

Confucius say… He who seeks anonymous hook-up might find himself non-anonymous-hook-up friendly when the chips are down...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2015:
They don't send jobs overseas coursing,
but to auto-checkouts they're forcing
us! Bastards like CVS!
Need real folks less and less…
Killing jobs by robo-sourcing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2015:
Scariest Halloween costumes we've seen so far? All these folks who've decided to go as President of the United States at these masquerades known as "debates"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2015:
A harlot was at work, in bed,
when zombie struck--turned her undead!
Strange timing when bimbo's
soul went to dark limbo
made her among the Walking Head!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2015:
Get the idea these "It's what you do" Geico shill hacks are completely out of remotely amusing ideas, but just can't stop?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2015:
How foolin' around became "hanky-
panky," not sure, nor who to thanky!
Do know when two hippies
in lust get all flippie
it's best to call that "hanky-stanky"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2015:
Witnessed a car commercial the other day that went on and on about the make's voice recognition text/e-mail/etc. capabilities and the DVDs/streaming Internet for the kiddies and overall online capabilities for the whole family/car-full…and that was the shill's complete content.

Firstly, so now maximum distraction is a freakin' selling point? Okay, as the hack comics say, don't even get us started.

But not a mention of the car's, say, horsepower or safety features or gas mileage or… What do they think they're marketing, light beer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2015:
Wild costumes, this time of year means!
But scariest costumes I've seen?
These creeps masquerading
at bash called "debating"--
as President for Halloween!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2015:
The topics of sports and weather have been small talk mainstays for generations.

"How 'bout this weather?" "How 'bout those Bears?"

These small talk topics likely are as old as human language itself, what with weather being a constant historical concern and some form of sporting contests likewise present throughout human history.

So it's… Well a big, full-on, honkin' deal to find a new small talk mainstay added to the human repertoire. But that's what we find ourselves with today.

"How 'bout that latest shooting spree?"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2015:
Shinola ads hail Detroit! Fight fer
new image--say no Rust Belt plight ther'!
With watches they sound this knell?
All now have those on cells!
Why not start making typewriters?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2015:
Many big banks are now charging fees for large deposits from institutional investment firms, and others among their financially bloated kin, because with these extended low interest rates, banks are just not making the money off them that they'd like.

No reason for any increased government oversight of banks, though. These days, big banks serve many functions. So what if they are shying away from…the whole reason they freakin' exist…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2015:
It's fall! Long time, oven's been teasin'!
Now easy meals, like roasts, are pleasin'!
But… I'm asking, for a friend,
just what does it mean when
one screw's up first roast of season?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2015:
The Chicago Reader's current edition puzzles over the question, "What is Midwestern Food?"

Amazed anyone could be confused over this.

Now when folks talk East Coast food, sure there'll be mentions of some Boston and Philly stuff, but the understanding is a focus on New York food. Likewise, you chat West Coast cuisine, focus will be Los Angeles.

Befuddling to translate that to Midwestern cuisine? Hmm, let's look at our options… Des Moines focus?... Fargo?... Green Bay?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2015:
Just missed bus! Why? Cause, plain to see--
was caught 'hind a smartphone zombie!
Just me, one case, but confess--
question this here "progress"!
What's cost to society?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2015:
Yahoo! News headline--

"Republicans to Charge Media to Cover 2016 Convention"

Our gut reaction upon first reading this? Just what we need--fewer non-mainstream media outlets covering the news, now that real journalism is an endangered species!

Then it hit us… So what? A political convention is about the least newsworthy event on the planet. It's not as if they actually pick candidates at these anymore.

And, really, what the hell does the GOP care, as long as Fox News is "covering" them…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2015:
Star rise, Amy Schumer's, quick paced!
But take a good look at her face…
then look at Miss Piggy's.
Ever know their gigs be
together, same time and same place?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2015:
Please, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in Chicago's Wrigleyville neighborhood, do not harm any black cats milling about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Many of you are saying all that stuff is nonsense now, but, all things considered… It's not the cats' faults. Just don't forget that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2015:
A mummy glanced fine girl in slip! Her
gams so fine, soon shunned blood…for kipper!
He went so girl happy
got tired of unwrapping--
'mid bandages, sewed in a zipper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2015:
Unless it's your kinky thing, most of us would prefer not to be beaten black and blue. (Not that there's anything WRONG with that.)

However, some among us sure as hell wouldn't mind being beaten black and blonde. If you know what we're sayin'...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2015:
Throw'n onto diehard fans' wounds' salt,
Cubs' playoff run hits screeching halt!
Seeking new source blamey--
dude, goat?--cockamamie…
Be humane--it ain't 'hood cats' fault!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2015:
Are we in danger of losing Sarah Silverman next?

This happens all the time. Think Steve Martin, Robin Williams… Genius comedians who somehow aren't taken seriously until they turn to far easier "dramatic" roles, from which they often don't come back… Is there something wrong with NOT being taken seriously?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2015:
To cover, GOP does say,
convention, Press? You've gotta pay!
Sets new Butthead Bar!
Dudes, these things? By far,
least newsworthy happ'nings these days!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2015:
The more apps we download and try, the more we suspect that the root of the word is actually "(cr)application"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2015:
These Geico shills--"It's what you do"?
Admit, spurred laughs--more than a few!
But dig up band Europe's
crap one-hit hair syrup?
Here's "What you do"--call campaign, "Through"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2015:
It's one thing when you're really into a sitcom, have invested a lot of time with it, seen most of the episodes…and you find yourself treated to one of those melodramatic "extra special episodes."

In short, it stinks. 

It's a whole 'nother annoying animal when you haven't seen many episodes of a show and you're hit with an "extra special."

Ugh.

However… Gotta give kudos to the "Bernie Mac Show" because… Well, one of its nearly jerked a tear or two…the guy was good…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2015:
Headline--"What's Midwestern Cuisine?"
Just what in the hell do they mean?
East Coast stems from New York;
West Coast, from L.A.'s fork…
Des Moines? Fargo? Hmm… What's Big Scene?...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2015:
See this sign regularly in Chicago on some joint billing itself as having the "best mac & cheese pizza in Chicago."

Horrors! Does that mean (shudder) that…more than one pizza joint in Chicago is lame enough to ruin a pizza by putting Mac & cheese on it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2015:
TV car ad--focus of action?
Flick play'r, wifi, voice-text… The hacks shun
likes torque, safety, mpg…
This a plus? Seems to me
hot new shill's total distraction!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2015:
Gee, you'd never know from watching late-night cable TV that ObamaCare requires insurance companies to cover addiction "treatment"… Just waiting for the ol', "But WAIT! Act now and we'll treat a second alcoholic or addict ABSOLUTELY FREE!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2015:
Too Big To Jail banksters' new twist?
Deposits, large-sized, they…resist?
Interest rates low, so charge fees!
Task with which they're displeased's
main reason bastards exist!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2015:
Selfie media headline--

"Chicago City Council: Members Approve Mayor Rahm Emmanuel's 2016 Budget"

So, do we need to refresh the world as to the definition of "news"?

This would only be news of the worthless toadies in Chicago's City Council DIDN'T approve something Rahm Emmanuel wanted… Hell, it might be news if they sorta, kinda, briefly balked before allowing him to do whatever the hell he wants…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2015:
Dude dressed as 'Ween Frankenstein pined fer
Bride--girl dressed so, couldn't be finer!
Took her, la-BOR-atory,
so his lil' friend she'd see
in the role of Franken-steiner!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2015:
Happy Extra Frighteningly Cheezy Saturday Halloween!...