Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2015 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: September 2015
DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2015:
"Modern Fam'ly" chick felt strong urge to be
of smaller breast! Creeps, 'round her, turgid be!
Was just…too attractive?
So she got proactive!
Now we've… Goldilocks plastic surgery?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2015:
Ah, the carefree days of yore, when Donald Trump was a simple zillionaire real estate guy and the only public discourse on him focused on his trophy wives and ridiculous hair…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2015:
Facebook Vegan "please convert" pleas?
Evangelist dogma, pure! See,
most quick bash religion,
but same faith-drunk pigeons!
Got some science but…honey and bees?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2015:
Was snacking on this Triscuit flavor, rye with caraway seeds, which are delicious, but more appropriate with toppings such as cheeze, lunchmeat, both, etc.

Not having toppings handy, thought occurred to me… "I have Cheez-Its, too, which are kinda like cheeze."

Mmm.

Necessity? No, Hunger is the Mother of Invention…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2015:
Throughout time, across world, jokes scoff at the
Poles! Thanks to jesters, dunce cap doff! 'd'Be a
joke treasure trove, if outfit,
did exist--syndicate!
So… CAN there be Polish Mafia?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2015:
To Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers paying attention lately… Chief Limericist checked-in, here... Let's just say it'd be darkly amusing if I were found chopped-up in a forest preserve… Not so much to me, at first anyway, or, well, however that works… In any event, you know where to start the search, should I turn-up missing...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2015:
Same news, diff details make us all queasy--
new journalists shot by human feces!
First lion, now journalists?
Is this new trend, this twist?
Gun rage now against endangered species?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2015:
You hear a lot about First World and Third World. You know, First World Amenities, Third World poverty…but where and what is the elusive Second World?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2015:
A sleazy young fellow named Dino
went out to eat with brother Gino
who had in his cooker
a bevy of hookers--
his own recipe clams casino!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2015:
Sure, it was the final preseason game, the most meaningless of all games in the NFL, but we repeatedly felt the urge, while watching, as the sportscasters were blathering and conducting sideline interviews with players, to remind these guys that, "Hey! There's a PLAY happening! You know, on the FIELD? In fact, there's an actual GAME being played!"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2015:
Write 'bout billiards, mention a "cue-up"…
"autocorrect" changes to "cute pup"?
Designed to be helpful,
to that, I must yelp, "Bull!"
More properly called "autoscrewup"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2015:
So, is this Tom Brady thing the Trial of the Century? Just asking as it seems the pundits need prompting here. If one isn't proclaimed Trial of the Century at least once per year, something feels off in the Media Universe…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2015:
Kardash'yan plague--media fox!
But want, "just right," say PR docs!
'Ween costume of Caitlyn?
Flacks say, "lose it," hatin'!
They want their fame like Goldilocks?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2015:
Happy Extra Cheezy Labor Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2015:
Day's first time in e-mail and…bam!
"In" box a Museum of Shams!
There's Buffet and Rachael Ray…
New phenom, modern day
brings us celebrity spam!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2015:
So, hunger strikes… Without impugning any causes, this technique itself is, well…stupid.

These sometimes obtain desired effects, or at least raise awareness, but the core concept, hurting yourself as a way of hurting others… Strikes us as on the order of a child holding her breath until she turns red…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2015:
An old saying stakes, often mentioned,
Necessity's role. No contention?
I'm mixin' and matchin'
while 'mid snackin' action--
say HUNGER'S Mother of Invention!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2015:
Man, I'm really itchin' to go clubbin'. It's been some time.

In my case, that means… Turkey club. Maybe something like a plain BLT club?... Then again, a roast beef club could be nice, too…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2015:
Sportscasters? Though game's not quite "real"--
preseason, but still, what's the deal?
While you're interviewin',
engaged in off-screwin'…
There's PLAY going on! On the field?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2015:
Actually received, amid the piles of spam, one subjected, "Is Your Refrigerator Working?"

One word away from prank spam, folks…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2015:
Can be rich, without much up there,
Trump proves! 'Spite hype, don't have a pray'r!
I take walk down Mem'ry Lane,
time when Trump Discourse Train
solely focused on that hair!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2015:
Amusing to see these ads all over public places for an app or whatever Yahoo!'s shilling… "Available on Google Play!"

Ah, the new monopolistic robber barons…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2015:
An artist sought fine girl in frills fer
a sculpture! Asked one--and it thrilled her!
She got nude, he gulped! "Sir,"
she said, "You're fine sculptor!"
Sure but… Sculpt her? He, damn clear, drilled her!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2015:
We've got a "weird trick" for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Actually, we don't. Just seems "weird tricks" are all the rage now in spam, to lose weight, please women, etc.

Strange thing is that spam itself is really a "weird trick" that actually works, apparently, unlike what it shills…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2015:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (pervs!)
on ball might foresee, 'round Life's curve,
misfortune--Chief Limericist's--
from rev'lation in this…
Missing? Check forest preserves!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2015:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

A regular performing gig of mine has me dressing for a specific role. Quite dapperly, I might add.

Recently, a panhandler, irate that I didn't give him a handout, railed into me, saying, "You gotta have money! You're a lawyer!"

Rather insulting, calling me a sleazy criminal when I was just dressed as a 1920s gangster...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2015:
The P.C. Patrol! Prosecution
of fun-making's Final Solution!
No Caitlyn costume for 'Ween!
Mirth's now the New Obscene?
Save us from outrage pollution!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2015:
While Chicagoans, Bears fans and, yes, among those viewing the guy as a veritable demigod in the Football Realm… Isn't a political endorsement from Mike Ditka the kiss of death to any campaign?

Not that we're talking specific, about any praeternaturally bad-haired candidates currently in the mix...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2015:
Earth's poor's something with we must reckon! Churled-
up, spit-out by Tech Age that beckons! Squirreled
away from First World fruits they
call it Third World, but, hey--
you never hear 'bout a "Second World"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2015:
Okay, we were pissed at iOS autocorrect already, but changing Ditka to "Sitka"? Now, we don't cry "blasphemy" too often, but…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2015:
Tonight--can't wait!--I'm goin' clubbin'!
Dress up? No, in fact, I'll be grubbin'!
Lettuce, turkey--scene makin'--
tomato and bacon!
My world, club sandwich brings dubbin'!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2015:
When you eat something that brings good memories, is plenty filling/satisfying and, above all, tastes really good, they call it "comfort food."

What many eat today, to remain healthy and keep pace with the "goods" and "bads" all the "experts" are continually spewing via their "studies," in a hopeless attempt to live forever…I'm calling it "discomfort food"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2015:
Chi-Town, name's spoke with rev'rent breath,
but, 'spite Ditka's demigod heft,
when pols he'll endorse…
That poor campaign horse!
Da Coach's word's Da Kiss of Death!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2015:
You never hear the term "moan bone" for… You know.

We think it's a good one, anyway…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2015:
So…hunger strikes? May see cause cred
in heart…but confuses my head!
Works by twisting a foe's arm
through…giving yourself harm?
Why not hold breath 'til face red?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2015:
First, cable TV came along as a Free Speech Savior, unencumbered by the content and "dirty word" restrictions of network TV.

Today… Cable TV is really glorified network TV.

Then came the Internet, selfie media and… Well.

Read about two separate cases involving two separate comedians recently. Each was attracting a shitstorm of trouble for postings "too controversial," to paraphrase, for…Twitter?

Someone, tell us again why the Internet is a GOOD thing for Free Speech?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2015:
Latina had hanker for gringo--
something new, like babe craved by dingo!
Winked at one and… Fling, flang, flung!
Though didn't know her tongue,
orally mastered Love's Lingo!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2015:
"Curvy" is the new euphemism for "fat"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2015:
Spam asks, "Your fridge work?" Is this cunning
or spam writer, bored, way of funning?
What's here most appalling's
one step from crank calling--
will next one read "Is your fridge running?"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2015:
Combing our cable TV grid, we were made aware of some show's featuring… Clay Aiken on the GOP debates?

So, allowing a forum for some inexperienced, unqualified moron to expound upon important matters?

What does TV think it is--the Internet?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2015:
Yahoo! app-thing ads dropped like bombs!
"Buy at…Google Play"? Amazon
and Google, one-stop shops be!
Culture monopoly!
New RobberBarons.com!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2015:
So the term "cis"… Ahem.

Do we need terms to identify those of us with two arms? One nose? Ten toes?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2015:
Lose weight? Invest? Grow larger stick?
Get your fix--just on this link, click!
"In" box makes happy as clam!
Hottest trend, now in spam?
Cure all with this "one weird trick"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2015:
Politics, and the entire world, was completely different back in the days of Lincoln-Douglas. See… Oh, where the hell would we even begin?

Suffice it to say that, today, these are not worthy of even our passing attention. Meaningless sound bite farms more appropriately dubbed, "mastur(de)bating"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2015:
What's called "comfort food" stokes your mood
when Life brings on bad attitude!
Folks chasing new studies,
wellness fuddy-duddies,
are thus eating "discomfort food"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2015:
Happy International Salisbury Steak Day!

Okay. We dropped the ball, in a way, since we missed it for the first new "South Park" episode of its Fall 2015 season.

Then again, since we're the entity behind ISSD, CAN we drop the ball on this?...

And Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Fall 2015 (as of 03:21 Central U.S. Time)!... So maybe this accident works out nicely, after all?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2015:
Dressed for gig role, way home, resulting
in beggar's "lawyer!" catapulting
as hard sell. (Mooch shunned.) Me?
I'm gangster from '20s!
Don't slur me as sleaze, crook! Insulting!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2015:
Concerning our dirty little secret… Chief Limericist, here.

Okay, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers… Haven't been found in a forest preserve…yet. But did have my iPad stolen.

Only had a possibly real first name to go on, but did retrieve it eventually.

Trying hard not to be a stubborn dinosaur on these matters, but Life just keeps backing me up...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2015:
Another speed-date debate--whom'd they get
to analyze? Clay Aiken? TV lets
dude with no cred chime-in? Tell
just, TV, what the hell
you think you are--the damn Internet?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2015:
A hundred or so people trampled during a Hajj-related stampede?

Here we see a key difference between religious- and secular-based society.

In America, we don't do such a thing in religious fervor.

Only in a materialistic fervor, such as for Black Friday...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2015:
Worst date ever! Straight outta hell! She
was rude, nuts, drunk--she even smelled! He
could not stop relivin'
bad hand from Fate given--
even as he came on her belly!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2015:
We've come up with a great wait to market those seedy, cheapo hotels.

Dub 'em, "Break and Bed-Fasts"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2015:
Damned autocorrect gives me fits! Bah!
Where's it get these words? Suggests "Sitka"?
Mostly helps, or not, on fence,
'til irked my Chi-Town sense--
ser'yously, knows not Coach Ditka?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2015:
Excerpt of a Chicago Sun-Times photo caption--

"Pope Francis reaches for a child…" Ahem.

Best not to mention anyone associated with the Catholic Church touching children, outside of an investigative piece…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2015:
Many words for it! Sits in Groan Zone!
(Groans, pleasure…or pain hit like flown drone!)
It's tool, toy or burden,
but, with luck and flirtin',
mine magic'ly transforms to Moan Bone!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2015:
What kind of online tool does a pedophile use to find victims?

Tinder-garten!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2015:
Elections? Already? How grating!
Ain't Lincoln-Douglas they're parading!
What's called "debate" now's sound bites,
spin and PR cat fight--
better dubbed "mastur(de)bating"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2015:
It has come to our attention that the Chicago Cubs have clinched a 2015 playoff spot.

Of course, this is a long way from winning the World Series, but, just in case… Get your moral, personal and spiritual affairs in order. Were now on Judgment Day Watch…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2015:
A Brit food that tastes good? Quite rare, be!
So's this prove the rule, as contrary?
Ain't tried, but read mention,
mixed rasp-/black- invention…
Rule Britannia--pass the veitchberry!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2015:
First, we dropped the ball on our self-appointed duty by not announcing, our ourselves celebrating, International Salisbury Steak Day, which falls on the night of the first episode of "South Park's" Fall Season, always a Wednesday.

So, being allowed to, as the creators of it and all, we pushed it forward yet another week.

Hope you all celebrated. (Side dishes optional, but we prefer buttered noodles as a mainstay.)

But last Wednesday, we… Oops. Actually, not so much an "oops!" as personal turmoil…which still shouldn't be an excuse. We have a self-appointed responsibility to meet.

And so as a one-time only deal, and one that's admittedly a bit ridiculous, we'd like to declare--

Happy International Salisbury Steak Season!...