Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: April 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2016:
Here's tip, you celebs and you stars,
(now oft need be told that you are!)…
In quest to stay chic,
try something unique--
consider NOT writing memoirs!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy April Fool's Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2016:
A man did conduct all-girl symphony!
Score called for wild forte from timpani,
which caused such vibrations--
pants fell, spurred sensations--
soon found 'self conducting a nymph-ony!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2016:
An EgyptAir plane headed to Cairo was hijacked and…diverted to Cyprus?

We're not big retro fiends at Daily Limerick, but we're hopin' to hell that THIS becomes a trend...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2016:
"Dancing with the Stars"… What the hell?
Will show never die? Might as well
give its name enhancing!
Why not try, say, "Dancing
with Folks Whose Names Might Ring a Bell"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2016:
Researchers have discovered remains of what is believed to be a Siberian…unicorn?

A creature heretofore largely believed to be mythical? The Republicans must've had something to do with this.

And they're undoubtedly planning to unveil it as a "candidate" in the name of "diversity"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2016:
Hil says, a debate for Dem throne
depends on Bernie Sanders' "tone"?
Something tells me he
will remain off-key
'less a crazy poll shift is shown!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2016:
So… Uber and all these other "peer-to-peer ride share" companies?

We'll pass.

Sure, most of us in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers are so frugal, we don't even take cabs annually.

But that also means that we live on the cheap.

Nonetheless, anybody who has taken more than a couple taxis has seen his/her life flash before his/her eyes during the experience, so the thought of using companies that are even LESS regulated doesn't sit well with us…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2016:
EgyptAir hijackers, from get go,
said, "Screw Cairo--to Cyprus, let's go!"
I hope it's a trend--
one that never ends!
I'm just fine with this Terror Retro!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2016:
Headline--

"Cruz Launches Anti-Kasich Attack Ad in Wisconsin"

Shouldn't there be some sorta election "slaughter rule" prohibiting this kinda thing?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2016:
My Walmart, the music's in rut
of new country and Western, but
its workers? All urban black!
Melting pot comment jacked!
I just fear pond'ring just what…

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2016:
Recently, I order a gyro dinner. It came with copious meat and toppings, but was served in the "do it yourself" manner.

I've seen this before. Rather than putting your sandwich together, they give you a plate with the meat in one pile, onions in another, etc., with the pita atop.

Now, you don't pay just for the ingredients. If I wanted it that way, it'd be a much better deal to buy one of those gyro kits at my grocer. I want the sandwich ready to stuff in my face. Don't wanna have to put it together myself--which can be tricky with a full plate.

You don't see this with other foods--burgers, salads, etc. But it's not altogether uncommon with gyros.

Something about gyros, I guess… Which would make a good one-man show title for…someone…I think...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2016:
Ted Cruz ran attack ad 'gainst Kasich! Fuel
for GOP Showdown's Wisconsin Duel!
Consid'ring how horse race pans
out, shouldn't this be banned
under some form of a "Slaughter Rule"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2016:
We found this gem of a partial quote in a recent news story--

"We're not trying to be the speech police…" Ahem.

You'll see this now and again, or variations, often substituting "be the speech police" with something like "curtail anyone's Free Speech" or "interfere with anyone's First Amendment rights."

Translation?

Being the "speech police" is EXACTLY what they're doing...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2016:
Though for ride shares, public took bait, did,
and buck saved can get me elated,
life's flashed before eyes in cabs,
so won't save cash on tab
for something LESS regulated!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2016:
Kerry Washington was surprised to find that the photo of her on Adweek's cover looked different than the Kerry Washington she sees in the mirror.

Heavily Photoshopped.

Art imitates life, life imitates art…and now both imitate online dating...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2016:
There once was a girl named Victoria,
who'd act shy, but scheme 'bout exploring ya'!
She'd play such a pure, coy priss,
you'd forego first-date kiss--
next thing you know, she's all-foursing ya'! 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2016:
Whenever I learn of a musician dubbed a "sound artist"… I stay away. Very, very far away...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2016:
Siberian unicorn? Dandy! It
thought myth! Party already's ran with it!
Just like with Ben Carson--
and if can find Martian--
GOP will dub it a "candidate"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2016:
John Podesta, Hillary Clinton's campaign chief, wants to finally come clean to the public…on UFOs?

So… The GOP's questioning Evolution, the Dems are soon to court Bigfoot believers and… Anything, and we mean ANYTHING, to avoid meaningful issues government actually COULD do something about, especially in a Presidential election year...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2016:
When folks, 'mid P.C. cry and hew,
insist that they're not trying to
be "speech police," know those rats,
showed their hand, proving that's
just what they're trying to do!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2016:
With all the much needed focus on sexual assault, harassment, etc… Well, here's what we don't understand--

What fun is it to get carnal with a woman who's NOT into it?

Seriously, even when we've had a girlfriend, etc., just kinda toss us some love outta obligation or something, not really into it… Yeah. Rather just put the kibosh on that and go do ourselves...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2016:
Though, damn, Kerry Washington's fine,
Adweek's cover of her's design
still Photoshopped parts!
So, now life and art
both imitate…dating online?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2016:
While we find it refreshing to come across folks in such a good mood that they're singing aloud…when it comes from a bathroom stall, well… Sorta the opposite of refreshing, guess you'd say…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2016:
World's condiments, there's one I shun--
foul ketchup! Worst one 'neath the sun!
Let's banish it from Earth's face,
as my meatloaf, replace
with one much finer--A1!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2016:
Noted on the Al's #1 Italian Beef locale near where I work, which I happen to frequent, a sign with phone number one can call to look into owning one's own Al's #1 Italian Beef franchise.

Hmmm.

Mmmm.

Hmmm?

Perhaps not a good idea…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2016:
Though artists who're "out there," I cheer…
These "Sound Artists," of whom I hear?
Not quite music, saying?
Stumble 'pon them playing,
that's "heads up"--to cover my ears!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2016:
Author readings are lame. We'd say they're outdated, but, then again, we're unsure whether they were ever non-lame.

See, authors specialize in writing, not performing. And most books don't lend themselves well to performance. Poetry and comedy may, of course, but not every poet or humorist is of the stand-up bent.

The idea behind these isn't just the actual performance, of course. It's trumping up sales. Perhaps these tours of authors reading do manage to get the author and book's name out in local media along the way, but… Well, again, authors are not performers, so why are their reading performances expected to sell books?

By most accounts, they don't.

The only good reason to attend one of these is to meet the author and/or get an autograph. But anybody wanting either of these things is probably already sold on the author so, again…er, why?

Recently, we read of an event featuring multiple readings from comic books.

We can't explain this or even begin to. Unless the "readings" come from speech balloons?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2016:
Hil's campaign chief says folks should know
the truth about…er, UFOs?
No fringe group she'll short!
Next demo to court's...
"World is Flat" and Bigfoot weirdos?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2016:
Late night cable TV ad comes on for a drug.

Next ad is for a law firm suing same drug's maker.

Frighteningly enough, we need a term for this...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2016:
Went wild, Country Floyd, when moved to
Big City, o'er diff chick skin hues!
Went so damned bejeebers,
beyond Jungle Fever--
hick Floyd caught full-on Jungle Flu!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2016:
Headline--

"Hastert's Attorneys Question Whether Groin Rub is Sexual Misconduct"

This is why we avoid bro' hugs and such.

Yeah, we're talking lawyers, here, but lawyers are powerful and it's a slippery slope...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2016:
Folks out, 'bout, sing? Far from appalled--
rare good mood vibes, don't mind at all!
But tone turns to fear
when notes that I hear
are coming from…a bathroom stall?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2016:
Okay, so we wrote about this concept already, recently, but just now thought up a nice catchphrase or meme or whatever for it.

In fact, make a to-do over it, perhaps even a hashtag, if we weren't sickened by all that stuff--feel free, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers as long as we get credit--

"Consent is Sexy"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2016:
O'er groin rub, Hastert's lawyers shrug--
not misconduct, no, so don't bug!
Though legalese, here employed,
's'why, to be safe, I 'void,
slippery slope of the "bro' hug"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2016:
One annoying thing about Facebook? Let us count the ways… Okay, one especially annoying thing about Facebook?

"Are you sure you want to log out?"

We do appreciate this line of questioning when, say, we close a document and the app/program asks if we're sure we don't want to save it, for example.

But Facebook?

Would actually be helpful if it asked, "Are you sure you want to LOG IN?"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2016:
Book reading nearby changed-up tune--
of comic books? On this, I'm chewin'…
For love of God, wracking brain,
why, why, why? Can't explain--
'less they "read" through speech balloons?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2016:
Chicago now has its first indoor skydiving venue.

For those who prefer their risk-taking…without the risk?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2016:
Get gyros and the worker elf
piles toppings, tzatziki from shelf,
meat, pita on plate.
Ingredients? Great!
But don't pay for "do-it-yourself"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2016:
So, a gay, Japanese-American actor shilling a quasi-, neo-, faux-"Mexican" offering for a a quasi-, neo-, faux-"Mexican" fast-food joint.

One of those cases where you can say, "Only in America…unfortunately"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2016:
Shill slice-of-life! Big Drug ad checked
by late-night commercial up next!
Same theme is explored,
'cept next one is for
law firm suing o'er its effects!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2016:
Spam "Subject"--

"Bottled Water Companies Could Fear This Device!"

Er, sorry spamsters, but the home faucet's not exactly new…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2016:
Guys, how can lust not be in check, see,
when the Go-Ahead, still in flex, be?
So common sense, brag it?
No! But go hashtag it!
Top turn-on, folks? "Consent is Sexy"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2016:
So they're remaking "Jumanji"?

Okay, while 90 percent of these remakes are slimy attempt to avoid coming up with anything new, at least most remake a movie that was a Big Deal. Meaning not only popular at, and soon after, release, but with staying power.

"Jumanji" did pretty good at the box office, at least off the bat. But we had to look up that information because, well, this is the first time we've heard mention of "Jumanji" since it's initial theater run...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2016:
Wooed girlie named Joyce, who's so choice,
when fin'ly earned sweet love exploits,
was so damned fantastic,
wild--beyond orgasmic--
right after, could only…re-Joyce!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2016:
Chicago Blackhawks announcer Pat Foley ranted during a game about the starting times of Blackhawks games during the ridiculously sprawling Stanley Cup Playoffs/Regular Season With More Than Half the League's Teams.

And he was cut off.

Silencing speech that dare's criticize the mighty NHL and Network? Who do they think they are--Amazon?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2016:
My Facebook beefs? Where to begin?
Let me count ways... One source, chagrin?
"Sure you want to log out?"
Ask one that might spur doubt--
"Are you sure you want to log IN?"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2016:
So Facebook is adding "chatbots" to its Messenger app.

Robots, in a sense, one can chat/text with for… Well, mostly to shill crap.

A logical new step in Facebook's evolution. "Social" media's all about avoiding dealings with real people, anyway…


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DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2016:
Thrill seekers who, caution, "tsk, tsk,"
can now, spur of moment, off whisk
to…indoor skydiving?
No, folks, I ain't jiving!
For risk-taking…without the risk?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2016:
We just read that the Chinese have been using robots to work restaurants since 2014 and, despite many problems with them, they keep pushing to use more and more.

Who the hell do they think they are--CVS?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2016:
'Hawks play-by-play guy ranted on
league start times--was cut off upon!
The network uptighty
and NHL mighty
must think that they are…Amazon?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2016:
So Chicago's governing City Council… Ha!

So Chicago's Fuhrer Rahm Emmanuel is having difficulty creatively funding the George Lucas Museum.

Seems the numbers are rather fudged. Appropriate, given how Lucas' most popular films rather fudged the definition of "science" fiction...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2016:
Fave haunt's sign had me fantasize…
"Call to own an Al's Beef franchise!"
Though concept's sure teasin',
for whole slew of reasons,
in real world, might not be so wise!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2016:
Today, I'm reviewing an entrée I never knew existed until stumbling upon it at my grocer--sausage hash.

Since I'm talkin' hash, I'll point out that I'm referring to canned hash. I'm sure homemade hash has its own set of particulars, and it's likely much better on all fronts, but I've only had a homemade variety, of corned beef hash, once. In that case, I KNOW it's much better than canned.

Corned beef hash is the ultimate in hash. Store-bought, it has few competitors. I usually see roast beef hash by the corned beef hash in stores, which I've tried out of curiosity and, I believe, reviewed here. In short, more bland than corned beef hash. I've never bought it since.

But this sausage hash was new to me. So I had to grab a can, along with the corned beef hash from my grocery list.

After trying this sausage hash, I must say, as I assumed would be the case, I won't be buying it again. Like the roast beef hash, it wasn't bad. Just didn't measure up to corned beef hash. Although I will say that the sausage hash has more flavor and spice than the roast beef hash.

So put that in your pipe and… No, that's a different type of hash altogether…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2016:
Spam--"Bottled Water Comp'nies Fear
This Product!" Without taking peer
into e-mail, can guess
at goods here they shill-press…
But home faucet? Long time's been here! 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2016:
Okay, so in answer to spam, expressing a sentiment that's widespread among late-night cable TV commercials and a maladjusted, desperate public--

"Cure for Aging?"

There sure is! It's called… Death!

One or the other, folks. Learn to deal with it...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2016:
When new remake, Hollywood's trottin'
out, usually was a hot one…
"Jumanji" sets new low
for 'void-new-work stoop's flow--
remaking flick that's near forgotten?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2016:
You see this every time a famous musician dies, but just gotta ask… Are all of these performances and recordings of his tunes really to "honor Prince"…or to honor a shot at publicity?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2016:
I'm still seeking my Cinderella
(along the way, some skin served bella)!
Not sure where I'll find her,
so turned off my blinders--
but safe bet's won't be Tinder-ella!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2016:
Read about this site, Cliq, recently.

And that there are more like it.

Sites to find that elusive, special someone online who'll make a great…friend?

Let's just set up virtual restaurants, bars and cultural events and all never leave the freakin' house or deal with a real human being again...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...