Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: August 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2016:
From NFL now, we are seeing
"Domestic Vi'lence Campaign"? Gee, thing's
a mountain from molehill!
Thought all learned, when were lil'--
don't beat on other human beings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2016:
Donald Trump alleges he's gotten slack from the National Football League regarding the Presidential Election Debate schedule.

Okay, every single thing out of the guy's mouth isn't a lie. And this is one we believe.

Once, it was the Vatican that ruled over a certain day(s) of the week…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2016:
Got new charity to reveal! See,
with all of the shootings, I feel we
could really use this one--
mine's, "Handjobs, Not Handguns"!
Er, what? Think it's too touchy-feely?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2016:
So Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay is being called out for using The Racial Slur of Racial Slurs on her Twitter account in the past.

Gotta imagine the folks behind Miss Teen USA are secretly happy with this for… Well, would you have known a Miss Teen USA was crowned otherwise?

All kidding aside, though, you can't get away with something like this, in this day and age, if you're in a high profile position like Miss Teen USA.

It's not like that's some trivial contest, like a presidential election or something…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2016:
Hip grocer comes near, soon! Enticed?
No--already two near, both nice!
With my style, don't mesh--
redundantly "fresh"
plus uppity and overpriced!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2016:
Beans.

In the warm months, I alter my meals for less over fare and more microwave or even cold stuff. Which means a lot of sausage. Yeah, I'll usually boil 'em in beer then broil or grill 'em, but you do a bunch at once and can just 'wave meals from there.

And what goes with sausages better than beans?

You may play the potato/macaroni salad card, or the chips card. But the mayo-based salads can be dangerous if bought in bulk, whereas beans won't go bad in a can. And I prefer chips with my late-night snacking, rather than as a side dish.

So I'm currently eating a whole lotta beans.

Judging from the portrayal in old movies, I feel a lot like I'm in the army or something…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2016:
The schedule for pres. debates that is planned
irks NFL--viewing will scatter fans!
Things change, but stay same!
Some days ruled by game
when, years past, they were ruled by Vatican!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2016:
We've touched on this topic recently, but came up with a better way of explaining our take.

Okay, these shirts, memes, etc., with "I Support Law Enforcement"?

Realize, of course, that the police are a part of government, specifically the executive branch, and government has power, and… Well, we all know what power can do.

So would you wear a shirt with "I Support Congress"?

An actual member of Congress wouldn't even wear THAT…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2016:
Miss Teen USA caught--used Twitter slur!
And N-Word to boot! Outrage comes in blur!
Why'd org let it go?
How else would most know
Miss Teen USA pageant did occur?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2016:
Witness a cable outlet's promo recently regarding a string of movies "celebrating Pearl Harbor."

And, no, it wasn't an all-Japanese offering...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2016:
A girlie play'n Pokemon Go,
led to place less than apropos,
found dude, glad to see her,
who let his "poke" free--stirred
a new round…of Pokemon Blow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2016:
On the heels of the all-female "Ghostbusters" remake comes word of a remake of "Splash" with a merman, rather than mermaid.

Under the cover of Political Correctness, this will allow just about EVERYTHING to be remade.

Couple this with the Internet free-for-all and the likes of Amazon and Google destroying the ability of writers to ever make a living again, well… Some for of Final Solution is being put together, folks...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2016:
This meme goin' 'round, thinkin' upon this…
Part exec branch--gov--posts, Ts on bless…
All cases, endorse,
gov wing--police force?
Would they wear Ts, "I Support Congress"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2016:
Now that everyone and everything can express his/her/its self, the Incredible Shrinking News Industry of course utilizes this. Often reporting, not on people and events, but reporting what amounts to people and events' PR as "news."

The Internet optimists may see this as eliminating the middle man.

That is, rather than having an educated, trained and paid news industry sifting through all the spin full-time, the public is given the power to sift and interpret all the PR for itself. In between, you know, jobs and all the other stuff people have to do.

This has historical precedent--entities tossing their propaganda to the people without an independent press reviewing it all. For instance, there's… Well, Nazi Germany… Hmm… Well, there was also the Soviet Union, and… Er, well… Progress, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2016:
Pearl Harbor bombed? Response proved nation great!
Flicks re-enact, many, that date with fate!
But when cable station gloms
on with a marathon,
better word's called for than, "celebrate"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2016:
I'm sure you're all familiar with the old saw, "There's truth in jest."

Well, at this point in time, you can now also say, "There's jest in truth"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2016:
"Ghostbusters," next "Splash" cast ladies
in men's roles. Remakes get pass free!
It's Final Solution!
Preps for execution
of all forms orig'nality!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2016:
There's a group, New Yorkers Against Gun Violence, waging an undoubtedly expensive, time-consuming campaign for over a year now against… Handgun emoji? (Or is it "emojis"?... Who the hell cares.)

Wow.

In case you're seeking a case study in the idiocy, and threat, of the Church of Political Correctness' attempts to look like it's doing something while doing absolutely, irrevocably nothing. And at great cost. On many levels.

Talk about your metaphors come to life.

Guess white cops won't be able to send handgun emoji to black kids armed only with smartphones anymore, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2016:
For summer meals, 'void oven stoke--
for, means, dogs and sausage, this bloke!
So best side dish scene
is beans, beans and beans!
(Like trapped in old army flick joke!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2016:
There are certain websites that have been around long enough now that you almost forget the original definitions of the words they use as titles.

For example, I sometimes temporarily forget that "Amazon" is a huge, important river and a cohort recently questioned whether "a'twitter" was a real term.

Another example is the word "yelp." (Speaking of which, my Goddamned autocorrect insists on capitalizing.) Originally, the term was used almost exclusively to describe a dog's barking, usually of the annoying, squeaky sort and lacking a good reason, such as… Hmm.

Actually, that last example doesn't fit my point. "Yelp" still pretty much means the same thing…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2016:
Do-It-Yourself "News" Age, 'cause…can, ya'!
At one time, news was part of plan, ta'
filter spin--could use!
Now there's no more news--
it's all PR and propaganda!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2016:
So National Football League player Benjamin Watson proclaimed in an interview that Planned Parenthood is a plot to exterminate black people.

As in all cases of an NFL player giving his take on issues beyond the game of football, we view this is just more evidence of brain damage from the sport…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2016:
It's said there's "truth in jest." Forsooth!
E'en modern day, old saw bears tooth!
News, pop culture gist,
though, brings modern twist--
the new saw's that there's "jest in truth"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2016:
All, the Communication/Social Media Age, whereby everyone can express themselves to the world with ease, leading to activism on fronts such as… Trying to shut down movie review sites by geeks who don't like the reviews?

What we have now is "expression pollution"…

*****

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2016:
A hippie chick kept groomed, er, down there,
with pride like a…well, like a brown bear!
Caused spats--her man craved smooth!
He heaped compliments… Proved
that "flattery will get you no hair"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2016:
Capturing the excitement of the Olympic sports, video games are in on the action! Why, a quick glance in the App Store brings such breathtaking examples as… Er, "Javelin Masters"? I'd imagine your character…uh… Runs back and actually throws a javelin!

Ahem.

Yes. Certainly captures the excitement of these Olympic Games…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2016:
A big money campaign now runs
'gainst handgun…emoji? 'D'be stunned,
'cept shows P.C.'s "fixes" pure--
no real ills, but ensures
cops won't shoot blacks with 'toon guns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

So, "You gotta get on Facebook for professional reasons! It's not just selfies and pics of what people are drinking or eating!" That's what everyone's saying.

So I've been jiggering my various feeds so now I can just click on a feed, say "writer" or "actor," and instead see… Pics of writers' and actors' dinners, drink choices and their selfies.

But I'm just a curmudgeon to claim little real business actually gets done on selfie media?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2016:
Planned Parenthood's dark plot's--the claim,
Ben Watson, of NFL fame!
Says it's to kill blacks!
More ev'dence to back
that brain damage comes from the game!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2016:
It is indeed possible to drive like a complete and utter lunatic…and yet ridiculously slow at the same time.

Don't believe it? You obviously haven't taken big city public transportation…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2016:
Folks, this stage of 'Net evolution,
don't like flicks' reviews? There's solution!
They moan, whine and hound
to…shut that site down?
Folks, now we've, "Expression Pollution"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2016:
Reading about how U.S. Olympian Gabby Douglas, having fallen short of her competitive goals, now "tearfully" responds to her…selfie media critics?

Gabby, er… Why?

Do you respond to cat callers from construction sites and the like? Dirt-encrusted, medication-deprived, homeless whack-a-doodles unintelligibly screaming at you from street corners?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2016:
'Net Age, old words take on new meanings!
Forget "Amazon's" river? See, thing's…
Take "Yelp"--once grating bow wow,
but, in the here and now…
Well, that one, no new def gleaning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2016:
So, Burger King's new Whopperitto.

Do we have to declare War on Fusion Foods?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2016:
From torch light of Olympic flame,
vid games sought to sell from the name!
With them, App Store plastered!
Likes, "Javelin Masters"
capture, er, "excitement" of Games!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2016:
Heard reference to the college slang term, "The Freshman 15," recently.

Once was called "The Freshman 10."

For all we know, it was once called "The Freshman Five."

If this keeps up, cruising toward the Age of Crimes Against Wellness, will college be banned altogether?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2016:
To drive like a lunatic, trust
that driving fast isn't a must!
In fact, one can putt-putt!
Think that statement sounds nuts?
Then you ain't rode Big City bus!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2016:
According to some survey, three of every five Texans would be in favor of seceding from the union, should Hillary Clinton win the Presidency.

Who do Texans think they are--Hollywood liberals?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2016:
A pyramids tourist named Brinker
found his tour guide comely, so dinked her!
Adventure was game fer
so toured hidden chamber
and solved the Riddle of the Sphincter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2016:
Noticing a preponderance of "comedy" offerings lately with topical slants such as police shootings and sexual harassment.

Good comedy/humor does tackle these, and many more, topics. But the point of ensuring that it is, indeed, comedy is that one couches his/her political and social commentary within the humor, so that one might not notice he/she is being subjected to such commentary.

Identifying one's comedy or show like this does, however, send a strong message.

Namely… Avoid that show or comic!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2016:
Selfie med'ya trolls heaped barbs 'pon,
so Gab Douglas answered? C'mon!
If street urchin kook
cat calls, slurs, gadzooks,
does she feel a need to "respond"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2016:
A lot of people are up in arms, and rightfully so, about U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and others fabricating a tale of being robbery victims.

We're not sure you can say this is at odds with the Olympic Spirit, however.

Regarding the original Olympic Spirit, sure, it's anathema. But deception and maintaining a false upstanding image?

Fits right in with the International Olympic Committee, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2016:
So read bout the "Freshman 15"?
It used to be "10"! Does this mean,
since goes up, discerning,
they'll ban higher learning
when Crimes Against Wellness make scene?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2016:
So this cat, Lou Pearlman, died in prison.

At the risk of sounding cruel… Well, he deserved it. The guy inflicted BOTH the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync on the world.

Oh. That's not why he was in prison?

Well, they could only get Capone on a tax rap...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2016:
Poll--three of five Texans would greet
Pres. Hil with secession retreat!
Things don't go their way
they'll leave? Think that they
are Hollywood Lib'ral Elite?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2016:
So, the WWE has suspended some of its actors…er, "wrestlers" for… Violating its "Wellness Policy"?

We tried investigating just what these violations were, but they seem secretive about it all and, really, we're not sure we wanna know because… Well, we've just been KIDDING about a future with Crimes Against Wellness!

Honestly, though, now we're not so sure...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2016:
This… Whopperitto? It's just lewd!
In fact, introducing it's rude!
If more of this see,
I do think that we
need declare War on Fusion Food!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2016:
For this late summer "Food" edition, I'm reviewing a temporary Pop Tarts flavor, Frosted Watermelon.

Pretty obvious was this one'd be released in the summer. However, watermelon is best served cold, of course, and Pop Tarts are best served warm, so… So I'm a sucker for this stuff, and did indeed buy and try them, but gotta filed this under Better in Theory...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2016:
The strange case off Ryan Lochte
spurs knee-jerk reaction, which be,
"Add odds, 'Lympic Spirit!"
But false image steered? It
sure fits well with the IOC's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2016:
Watching an episode of "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" recently, which we're not very familiar with, overheard a reference to the villainous "Cardassians."

Thought we heard… Well, YOU know.

Scared the livin' hell outta us. Don't even joke about them existing in the far future…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2016:
Lots of shows now, "comedy" reaching,
themes socially active, beseeching…
Folks, point of the humor art's,
laughs first--point can impart…
Nobody wants stand-up preaching!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2016:
Read about a protest from some group called "White Lives Matter" and… Ugh.

Okay, while the buzz about "All Lives Matter" was understandable-ish, if still missing the point, this is just… Again, ugh.

We've gotten over the phase, but this is exactly why guilty white liberals exist...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2016:
A girl who was mod Betty Boop--cute
big eyes, often'd sing "doo-de-doop" hoot
in voice high and squeaky,
was known to get freaky
and take one in her Betty Boop chute!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2016:
In an interview with Bill O'Reilly, Donald Trump said he knows how to stop the rampant violence in Chicago.

By having the police get tougher.

I guess all this talk about "returning to a simpler time" means, for Trump anyway… Well, this guy's thinking makes Archie Bunker's look complex…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2016:
This cat died in jail, Lou Pearlman--
from him, Backstreet, N'Sync began!
What, most cur'yous, seems?
Jailed for pyr'mid schemes--
not inflicting world with boy bands?!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2016:
Not just folks driving…or walking the sidewalks… But working behind counters, on dates, pushing strollers, you name it… At this point, it's easier to just mention who's NON-distracted. If some of those still exist…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2016:
Jocks, WWE,
nailed over… "Wellness Policy"?
First time, such thing, 'ware,
and gettin' quite scared--
soon Crimes Against Wellness, foresee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2016:
So, all this hubbub over the raising of the price of this EpiPen… Hmmm.

No evidence here, whatsoever, that the government should just finish up the half-assed healthcare "reform" and take over the out-of-control industry.

This is America, land of free-market capitalism! Sure, Big Health Insurance has an antitrust exemption, but… Oh, and it gives buttloads of money to each and every candidate, for every office top to bottom, both political parties and… Okay, let's try this again.

Of course, as they say, Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, but this is just… The power of life and death and… Hmmm.

We don't want Big Government taking over something like healthcare. Government takes over, you get bureaucracy, nepotism and waste… Sure, at least 50 cents of every dollar spent on "healthcare" today goes toward, well, paper pushers, bureaucrats and nepotists, but, er, um… God Bless America!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2016:
With sex flick, pop worship, Great Ass, began!
But why can't we just send them back again?
Misheard and lost hope for a
future--dystopia?
Deep Space Nine mentioned, "Cardassians"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2016:
Been a lot of talk lately about these things, mostly around colleges, called "safe spaces" and "trigger warnings."

"Safe spaces" being classes, rooms, etc. whereby certain topics are avoided so as not to offend certain people and "trigger warnings" being e-mails and such to warn, say, students in certain classes of upcoming topics and speakers that might offend certain people.

The talk about these things?

Shouldn't be occurring. Not in America, land of the First Amendment and such. These things plain out shouldn't exist.

Your "safe space"? There are a whole lotta other country on the face of the planet. Want a "trigger warning"? Again, we have a First Amendment-you can be offended at any time, there's your freakin' "warning."

God Bless America!... Ya' dangerous pricks…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2016:
New Pop Tart flavor had me leery--
Frosted Watermelon? Eyes bleary?
You, need not be tellin',
hot, Tarts best; cold, melon…
Put this one in file, "Good--in Theory"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2016:
This time of year, just gotta break down and start doin' some oven cooking.

Sick of waiting for a mild day to fire up a frozen pizza. Holding off on a roast just yet, but it's now September Eve… Damn the heat!

In fact, deny the heat and maybe it'll go away… All Hail Fall Cooking!...