Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
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missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: December 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2016:
Complaints about Trump spread like, my...rabies?
Original one? I can try. Maybe…
Whined first, if he lost, was rigged!
Throws fits, "SNL's" digs…
Bastard, folks, is a big crybaby!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2016:
He does things that, done by a regular human being, would be appalling--but which instead are viewed as humorous antics by many while he's beloved by many.

His skin is an unnatural orange and he has silly looking, seemingly fake "hair" on his head so… Do we really know, for sure, that Donald Trump isn't a Muppet?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2016:
Poor taste gift idea turned chronic,
to self-bought, form Yule comfort tonic!
"Ugly" Christmas sweaters!
Folks love 'em unfettered--
ain't fooled by misuse of "ironic"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2016:
Judging from the big election not quite a month ago, a whole lotta people are really, and we mean really, dreaming of a white Christmas… Of a certain sort, anyway…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2016:
When Ms. Claus spied Santa gaga
o'er seamstress elf, modeling bra,
for Season of Sharing
she got rather daring--
that night, ménage a fa la la!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2016:
CNN headline--

"Americans are Divided Over Repealing Obamacare"

Er, sorry CNN. Not news.

Tell us something Americans are NOT divided over...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2016:
He's orange--nat'ral color corrupted;
his head, with strange hair-like growth tuft bit…
He's wacky, if hate-filled--
yet won Head of State still!
Ya' think Don Trump could be a Muppet?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2016:
Caught the movie "Head of State" recently. One of those in a mini-genre whereby a good hearted, if bumbling, nobody somehow beats the political odds and becomes U.S. President. (Well, sometimes it's a U.S. Senator or some such.)

In light of recent events… Gotta say that genre's now dead. No longer out-absurding reality.

Realize, newer Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that Daily Limerick is predominantly a humor outlet. Not that politics, or any other topics, are out of the question, of course, but… Damned election.

Hey, we're not the only ones who can't shut up about it...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2016:
Important? Game changing? Sure, but
after year-plus topical rut,
still sports, flicks and other news!
Tough, folks, but start to lose
wallowing in You-Know-What!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2016:
The consensus seems to be, regarding (again) this recent Presidential Election, that the public simply wanted a change. Being fed-up with the way things are.

For an example, here's a Washington Post headline--

"Unemployment Rate Falls to Nine-Year Low"

Who says one needs a reason to be fed-up?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2016:
With Christmas 'round corner, in sight,
one thing's clear from Election Night--
whole lotta folks wishing,
in fact for pray'rs dishing,
for Christmas that's, could say, "Alt-White"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2016:
From Fireside Chats to… Well, Twitter.

A whole lot of Twitter.

Constant Twitter.

Oh… Let us count the ways...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2016:
"Meal replacement drinks"? What astounds
is for busy, not to lose pounds,
but to avoid "pesky" meals?
Shuns "stop, smell flowers" spiel--
in fact, stomps flow'rs into ground!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2016:
This year, I had Thanksgiving with a friend in the city. First time, non-family. See, the friend has recently encountered health problems, I've known him for decades but had never been to his and his wife's South Side of Chicago place… Anyway.

It was a very South Side of Chicago Thanksgiving, with ribs, greens, etc. There was indeed turkey, but with the various courses, eating myself silly, etc., I actually went away, for my first time, without eating the bird. Even forgot to cash in on the offer of hauling away leftovers.

As a dark meat guy, all my life I've told Thanksgiving hosts that I didn't even care so much about the turkey--that I was fine with ham or something else. In fact, my Grandma used to always add a duck or two, for me, my Mom and Grandpa, all dark meat types.

I mention this almost two weeks past the fact because… Well, I've been craving turkey ever since.

This is either a lesson human nature and/or evidence that I really do like turkey…just only once a year or so...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2016:
CNN headline did peruse
said nation's divided, me, you,
o'er keep/kill Obamacare!
Find something that, then share,
DOESN'T divide us--THAT's news!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2016:
Ever "like" something or someone, despite the fact that you don't like he, she or it, you in fact dislike he, she or it, but you "like" he she or it to sorta keep an eye on he she or it?

Once simple words get real confusing in our Digital Age, no?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2016:
Known more than one dude skewing hard
to right who defends self, when tarred
as "bigot," that he married
minor'ty. So dare he
wed her just to play such card?  

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2016:
After regularly ripping folks for being constantly on their damned phones and devices… Find myself doing the same damned thing.

At least on the bus or train--though not while walking the sidewalks, anyway. Got time to kill, nothing else to really do so… Yeah. Ain't proud of it.

Chief Limericist here, if you haven't figured that out.

Guess this is the dangerous effects of… "Secondhand schmuck"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2016:
'Round Christmastime, needn't but beg
a smidgeon and Meg, "Yule Slut" pegged
and lookin' enticing,
grinds seasonal spicing
with tasty dose of hot "Nut Meg"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2016:
Freaked out that Donald Trump was named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"?

Don't be. So was Al Capone… Adolf Hitler… Among others…

Happy Seasonally Cheerfully Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2016:
"Like" things I highly dis-like! Why? Done
are old dictionary defs--bygones!
So I "like" the feed slates
full of fake news and hate
so dis-liked schemes, can keep an eye on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2016:
Many are now freaking out about the need to quash "hate speech" from selfie media.

Hmm.

Okay, it's one thing to be policing individuals threatening or harassing other individuals directly but… Hmm.

Remember when we looked at the Internet as a Brave New World where Free Speech reigned?

Remember when cable TV was a Brave New World where "naughty" words weren't censored outta movies?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2016:
Pres. vote seeking change, ain't so strange--
post two-terms, norm's reign rearranged.
Folks pissed over likes, say, oh…
unemployed, nine-year low?
Give us change for…sake of change?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2016:
So… New Christmas songs.

Gotta have 'em, of course. Although only perhaps one in a thousand, or less, stick around more than a few years, it's part of the process.

However… Christmas covers?

Let's just say, if we're gonna listen to "Run, Run Rudolph," we sure as hell don't wanna hear Kelly Clarkson singing it…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2016:
Bitch, moan about folks' faces stuck
in phones all day! Trend, try to buck…
Find self do same! Outrageous!
Think this crap's contagious--
dangers of "secondhand schmuck"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2016:
In pondering the growing preponderance of movie, TV show, etc. remakes, we've stumbled upon… Guess you'd say an even darker lining to a dark cloud.

With writers' incomes going down the tubes, thanks to the Internet, poor government policies and the Digital Robber Barons--taking careers, the impetus to create and creators themselves down as well… It's here.

Welcome to the very beginning, folks, of the Internet Dark Ages.

Look forward to even more remakes.

In fact, perhaps we'll reach a point where that's all we have…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2016:
Thanksgiving, this time, change of gear--
not with fam, but with old friend dear!
South Side style, no turkey--
ribs. Not fan, but quirky…
Seems do crave turkey--once a year!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2016:
Following the bachelor cooking grind, been working on a humongous pot of chili I made, every other dinner, eyes watering while tongue delighted.

Sexually, my attitude's "pleasure, no pain." Well, excepting perhaps nails scratching my backside or something.

But eating?

Is it a thing to be a…spicy food masochist?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2016:
Throughout U.S. hist'ry, we sit fer
the Pres'dent's updates--sweet or bitter--
and ways which he's said it
show clear where we're headed--
Fireside Chats to Crackpot Land, Twitter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2016:
The world could use "good hackers." Modern tech Robin Hood types.

You know, to break in to certain websites and fix 'em. Starting with, oh, let's say… Healthcare.gov?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2016:
Each year, new Yule songs from mod larks 'pon
'Net, radio--covers miss mark! Wan-
dering mall old faves dear
yodeled! Don't want to hear
"Run, Run Rudolph" by…Kelly Clarkson!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2016:
So our Crybaby in Chief's hissy-fittin' about SNL being "biased."

Er, it's a sketch comedy show. "Bias" is not an issue.

Perhaps he's confusing it with what's called a "news source."

For example… Well, there ain't a whole lot left, but SNL sure as hell ISN'T one...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2016:
Chick nicely filled out Christmas sweater,
so festive elf tried to go get her!
'Neath reindeer, top housed
such fine sweater cows,
his own 3D scene there unfettered!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2016:
So some Minnesota couple act has "updated" the classic Christmas song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

In order to, you know, make the old fave sensitive to current attitudes, by changing the overall tone and lines like, "Hey, what's in this drink?"

We're not naming these chowderheads for a number of reasons. Don't think you'll have a hard time finding out about them or tracking down the tune. And, really, in a year or two you'll never hear their names, or the song, again.

Makes you wonder anew about the puzzle of how the Democrats managed to lose the Presidency to an inexperienced, whackadoodle, Hitler wannabe "reality" star, when they've been focusing on things far more important than solutions--dickering over slogans and word choices.

To those Minnesota folks, and others who might follow similar paths… Have you considered, rather than destroying…er, "updating" and old classic, perhaps writing an appropriate original song of your own?...

Happy Festively Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2016:
Time's "Person of Year," Don Trump named? He
fits in with past picks so ordained! See,
puts him with in zone,
Hitler, Al Capone
and the Ayatollah Khomeini!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2016:
British researchers are starting trials of fertilizing "three-parent babies."

Apparently, cell matter from two females can perhaps be used for pregnancy, toward the end of preventing certain genetic diseases.

Of course, this is frightening as all hell. But we won't waste effort on it--our society is hopelessly tech addicted so, should the trials work, it'll happen.

And looking on the bright side… Well, two women and one man to make a baby?

Hmm… The possibilities… Hmmm, indeed…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2016:
Toward hackers, few show much love,
but some, crim'nal deeds, rise above--
say, testing security!
Motives more pure, let's see--
fixing likes, Heathcare.gov!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2016:
Facebook is enlisting outside sources to fact-check items in its "news feeds," somehow just now learning about the fake news that has become especially rampant over the last decade or so thanks to our Internet Dark Ages, which were ushered in by… Well, Digital Robber Barons such as Facebook.

While our opinions on fake news should be well known, we're completely against this.

Facebook should not do anything to further encourage the misunderstanding among our Moron Majority that anything whatsoever on Facebook, or any outlet of selfie media for that matter, should be taken as any form of news source.

Sorry, Facebook, but being a huge part of the problem is, oddly enough, not part of the solution…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2016:
Trump claims SNL's "biased"? His
claim's true--but ain't news source! Gee, whiz!
The prick's simple-minded,
but whole public's blinded--
we can't recall what real news is! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2016:
While it was most certainly, firmly In The News, and the mainstream variety at that, we must've missed the outrage over Google jiggering search results for the benefit of Hillary Clinton during the election lead-up.

We'll give the benefit of the doubt to the drinkers of the Blue State Kool-Aid and assume this is only because there's just too darned much to be outraged about right now.

We've been thinking on this a while and, considering that Internet searches are the modern equivalent of the old library card catalog system, we think there really should be a government agency, ala the library system, or at least a nonprofit controlling search engines.

The Digital Robber Barons were just CAUGHT on this one. Imagine what else they're jiggering search results over.

Okay, even WE'RE laughing at the idea of our plan actually occurring. Both sides of the Republicrats hankerin' down on Google's financial feeding trough while the public blissfully wallows in its services.

We're even wondering, as with so many other topics, why the hell we're bothering.

But we try not to think on that angle too long because… You know.

Hey. At least we're bothering.

Gotta keep bothering.

If we stop bothering, all is lost…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2016:
Myself, don't have turn-ons that stem
from full-on pain--ain't one of them!
But eat chili, eyes wat'ring,
chest burning, tongue slaught'ring--
guess into "Food S&M"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2016:
Having a tough time finding a goose to roast up this Holiday Season.

Okay, a tough-ish time. I regularly hit more than one grocer but, unfortunately, they don't all carry the traditional Holiday favorite.

Big Turkey's cornered the market.

Or, to interpret this a bit darker… It's a White Meat Supremacist Movement…

And Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Winter 2016-17!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2016:
Doofs take "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
and "update" 'til tune's whole theme's died?
Why not write their own song?
Then they couldn't tag 'long
with a proven classic's fame ride!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2016:
Caught an ad for a Donald Trump Chia Pet.

For the first time, the Chia's hair looks better than its subject!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2016:
There're lab trials on… Three-parent babies?
Type Frankenstein science, it seems they be!
Read more--staves genetic
ills and… If prophetic,
third P's chick! So backing this maybe… 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2016:
Er, T-Rump?

If you really didn't believe what scientists were saying on climate change, etc., you wouldn't feel the need to go after them.

Don't like reality, so go after it. Let propaganda reign!

First step in any Final Solution. Even for drooling, simple-minded, "reality" TV morons...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2016:
It's Christmas Eve! Jingle, snow bells!
But, while rest are singing "Noel,"
I'm praying, for Christmas,
Santa brings me mistress--
so I can be singing, "'Ho-el!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2016:
Merry Extra Cheezy Christmas Eve!... Which happens to also be a Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2016:
To de-stress, post-Christmas Eve rounds,
in song Santa, to wife, expounds,
"Right there, on bed, lie
and don't pout or cry--
Santa Claus is GOIN' to town!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2016:
From all of us at Daily Limerick, to all of you and yours, Slapper Grasshoppers, a very Merry, and Extra Cheezy, Christmas!

God bless us, every one! (With the possible exception of… Oh, let's not get political on Christmas)…


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DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2016:
Facebook takes on fake news? Odd twist!
From Tech Robber Baron whose fist,
aggregate employing,
played huge role destroying
real news--reason fake news exists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2016:
(Sigh)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2016:
Caught Chia Pet ad, came on-air,
that posed situation quite rare!
Most make subject chump,
but this Chia Trump?
It actu'lly has better hair!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2016:
Since it somehow seems wrong to be referring to ol' T-Rump as "president"… We're gonna start going by Fuhrer Trump.

Fixes that problem...

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2016:
Sought Holiday goose, Old World Yule yum twist,
but my grocers thwarted as nemesis!
My Dickens quest murky,
all thanks to Big Turkey--
damned grocers are White Meat Supremacists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2016:
Here's another hidden benefit of leftovers and bulk, bachelor-style cooking--

Months ago, I made a huge roast, with potatoes and onions and all. Ate roast and its trimmin's every other day 'til I was sick of it--froze myself an ample serving to eat at a later date.

Recently, I discovered this ample roast serving in my freezer, having forgotten all about it.

And my mouth is watering over thawing that for a dinner in the near future.

I'm calling it "solitaire potluck"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2016:
Trump, on anti-climate change plight,
acts 'gainst scientists with all might!
Not fake news, just hits,
the science! Admits,
by default, the science is right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2016:
So where's the anger at the Democratic Party for fielding a candidate unable to beat T-Rump?

What, Hillary was just somehow entitled to the nomination?

Or perhaps this is playing right into the party's plans. Knowing whoever landed this win would be a disaster, T-Rump's win all but ensuring a Democrat in office for 2020--and, this time around, with an actual possibility of two-termin'… Hmm… Hmmm, indeed….

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2016:
Though it's true, find hard to demure fer
the title of "president"--spurs stir
of strange feelings! Still to me,
blowhard of "real" TV!
So I'll be calling him "Fuhrer"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2016:
Speaking of the main root cause of the "reality" TV joke our electoral process as become… We the People demand low prices…no, low, low, lower, LOWER prices…then we're all pissed off that companies outsource jobs.

We want technology to do everything for us, even going so far as to buy into Big Brother… Then bitch about Artificial Intelligence, from robotic cashiers to upcoming self-driving cars etc., taking even more jobs. (We're currently quiet about the Digital Robber Barons we've created and the Internet Dark Ages this has spawned…for now.)

We want our cake, we wanna eat it, too…but we've gotta blame someone else for getting fat off it, while we're at it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2016:
It's New Year's Eve--'Seventeen calls!
'Sixteen--glad we're through with it all?
All messed up? Don't fret!
Tonight, lose regrets--
for once, you're SUPPOSED to drop ball!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Year's Eve!.... Which happens to also be a Saturday!...