Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: February 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2016:
"Adult" store sign, passed by, did say,
"Be Own Valentine"? Which parlays,
though saves money, I'll agree,
also means that, to me,
ev'ry day's Valentine's Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2016:
A good name for an "adult" film rental company would be "Nutflix"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2016:
'Twas night before, and all through house,
stirred creature related to mouse!
Head visions of "sugar plums"?
Lady skin! Soon see some?
Oh, what will Groundhog announce?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!... God bless us, every one!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2016:
Craved ice cream! Into freezer, peered…
Vanilla, sole flavor? I jeered!
But, look--mango chutney!
I mixed it on up, see,
and think I'm onto something here!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2016:
Did you hear about the celebrity chef?

Er, that's not a joke, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Doesn't really matter which "celebrity chef." Unless you're one of those annoying Food Network watchers, chances are you OF COURSE haven't heard of the "celebrity chef" in question, which is why the media must always state "celebrity chef such-and-such"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2016:
Named new Gerber Baby--how marvy!
Perhaps one day, kid will a star be!
Not sure, for competing,
who hosted proceedings,
but guessing it wasn't Steve Harvey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2016:
News stories from the Iowa Caucuses are reporting that a Microsoft app designed to count votes and such keeps crashing.

Again, journalist types, a refresher on the definition of "news." It's not news when anything Microsoft designs doesn't work properly. It would be news if the thing worked correctly...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2016:
Sure, ad speak don't seek truth with bleat;
insurance deals, some may dub "neat"…
Though puffery's good and fine,
saw shill where hacks crossed line--
no one calls insurance "sweet"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2016:
Are people changing car insurance monthly now? Weekly? Daily?

Dumping your insurance company because 15 minutes is too long for such a whimsical decision?

Will we see one before the year is out that can give you a quote in five seconds?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2016:
A couple of teens took a ride
upon the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide!
Hit same time, strange angle,
and got so damned tangled
boy Slipped 'N Slid well up inside!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2016:
So Taco Bell, as part of its Super Bowl commercial shill fest, is making a full-on, honkin' deal about a new menu item to be unveiled Super Sunday, yet still a mystery now--even allowing folks to order one up for today, ahead of even knowing what, exactly, it is!

This really isn't much of a stretch.

Whenever you order at Taco Bell, exactly what you're eating is a mystery...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2016:
"News"--Iowa Caucus, app used
by Microsoft crashed out of blue!
Yo, news folk, let's make this clear!
Microsoft, talkin' here--
if it worked fine, THAT'D be news!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2016:
There are now hangover relief companies that come to your house and rehydrate you via IV.

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should now that we at Daily Limerick, while supporting the idea of additional socialist programs, heavily caution against going full throttle into actual socialism.

Yet the world keeps giving us these examples of people who, really, shouldn't be making decisions as to how their own money is spent…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2016:
Paid poet dues--work mostly blue/mirthy,
mixed in with a good dose of news-earthy!
Ideas to coddle,
long sought a nude model,
but chicks don't seem to find that muse-worthy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2016:
In an effort to compete in the Internet Age, Playboy Magazine has decided to present its models…fully clothed?

Okay, we, like everybody else, made fun of our parents and their generation whenever they bitched and moaned about "kids these days" and "the good 'ol days" and such.

But with this Playboy news, we can't help but say… What the hell's this world coming to?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2016:
Darn models today! Now eschew
all but Wellness Kool-Aid to-do!
Out of concern vetting--
girls, don't be forgetting
ol' booze and smokes thing's Vegan, too! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2016:
Ad, Super Bowl, Taco Bell's twist was the
new thing--could try 'fore menu list did see!
First, seems bold--will shock go well?
But talkin' Taco Bell!
What you eat's ALWAYS a mystery!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2016:
We've just learned of the existence of something called the jackfruit.

And they can grow to be up to 100 lbs!

Certainly something Daily Limerick should know about.

Jackfruit… He hee...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2016:
Autocorrect "fixes" just blow it!
Annoys! Gets worse! Everyone know it!
Now gives one hell of a time
to just NOT cap a line--
discriminates now 'gainst poets!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2016:
…And yet another reason, as big football fans here at Daily Limerick, the Super Bowl is an overhyped annoyance?

The crowds. Did you listen to the crowd? Notice how, unlike any other NFL game, even including preseason, there wasn't exactly fevered, cheering madness?

Of course, the spectacle has no true home team. But even giving 'em that, the main reason is that the only people who can afford Super Bowl seats, or want the overpriced tickets THAT bad, are filthy rich show-offs who might not even care about football.

Not fans. But, really, fans are the least of the NFL's concern, especially if they aren't foolishly parting with their money for fantasy football…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2016:
At Super Bowl, "fans" ain't so loud!
Seems nothing could leave those folks "wowed"!
Since price, tickets, top blown off,
not fans but rich show-offs!
Makes for a Super Lame Crowd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2016:
Facebook's making a big, typically annoying deal about reaching its 12th birthday which, in social media site years, translates as about…115 years old?

We're celebrating the fact that something, ANYTHING has to come along, and soon, and send it the way of MySpace…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2016:
A botanist, working with raspberry,
took break, tore of a piece of ass--Sherry's!
Knocked over test tubes,
and spilled his best lube…
Invented, somehow, the orgas-berry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2016:
Having sex with more than one chick at once could be called an "ass-erole"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2016:
Feel job title rings with a hollow twist?
Change it, job transforms? Do I follow this?
Hmm, what word best renders?...
Got it, you're bartender!
(If floats your boat, call 'self "mixologist.")

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy V.D.!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2016:
On Presidents' Day, crystal clear,
there's whole new tone to it this year!
Choices, next election?
Whoever's our next one,
now President's Day's day of fear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Mattress/Used Car-Shill & Government Employee/School Kid-Day Off Day!... (Otherwise known as Presidents' Day)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2016:
Insurance can be boring mess;
all wish, with time saved, we'll be blessed!
But pick for car, once, twice year?
Main concern, ads make clear--
must take 10 minutes or less?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2016:
With all the hubbub over Bernie Sanders, just wanted to point out that the word "capitalism" isn't mentioned anywhere in the Constitution.

Not that most of these frothing-mouthed "patriots" have read it.

Also like to point out that capitalism is not even eluded to in the Constitution but…baby steps. Let 'em learn to read, first…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2016:
Hear 'bout the celebrity chef?
(If want punchline, of that, bereft.)
'Less "Food" Net. hound, chances are,
need be told, he/she's "star"--
on "Food," few non-"star" chefs left!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2016:
White Castle now has these "shrimp nibblers."

In case you're faithfully observing Lent, but miss having the shits…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2016:
New hangover helper biz trend! Sit
home; hydrating IVs brought mend it!
Not socialist, but I see
folks with too much money
who shouldn't be 'lowed to spend it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2016:
The Chinese are displacing 9,000 villagers to make room for equipment to detect possible extraterrestrial life in outer space.

Talk about your cultural differences! Imagine that in the U.S.--going out of the way to welcome, well, a form of illegal aliens…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2016:
'Gainst Internet's nude chickie slew,
just what you'd think Playboy should do?
Why, put its models in clothes!(?)
Here's question, thought ne'er pose--
What's this damned world coming to?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2016:
So the L.A. Presbyterian Medical Center, its Web site beset by ransom-seeking hackers, decided to pony-up a ransom of $17,000…in Bitcoin.

Wracking our brains, the only possible explanation as to why they accepted Bitcoin must be… They're big Monopoly players out of game cash?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2016:
Met Ashley! All signs "go"! Then lashed! She's
nuts! Whackjob! Plus bitchy, cruel, brash! See,
though Girl of Dreams, she's sure not,
Ashley's so freakin' hot,
'd'still tear off fine piece of Ashley!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2016:
It's well understood that once someone throws a hat into the presidential contenders' ring, the media will rip you for every little thing and analyze your every word and movement, past and present, even going so far as to pass "guilty 'til proven innocent" judgment.

Which is all fine and good, given the way Free Speech works.

But we didn't realize Beyoncé had declared her candidacy…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2016:
Facebook hit 12th B-Day! On case, it's
making us each bad vids! Let's Face it--
hundred, selfie med'ya years!
Candles' wish? New tech gears-
up and, gift's world--does MySpace it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2016:
So Pope Francis has declared that Donald Trump's platform is decidedly non-Christian because… Well, have you been paying attention?

The gall of that meddlin', activist pontiff! Imagine, the Pope telling a Republican what Christianity is all about…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2016:
Self-dubbed "patriots" cry, solutions
mere socialist-tinged, need be douchin'!
Founding Fathers wisdom?
Word "Capitalism"
appears nowhere in Constitution!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

Attended a 1920s, speakeasy-themed event.

We're getting so far away from this stuff, it's hard to even pull off a veneer of escapism through such things.

First of all, of course the "speakeasy" is strictly no-smoking.

But these days… Smartphone zombies and… Really, need I continue?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2016:
New tech moves 9K Chinese trailing them
e.t.s--can't have outdated failing them!
Huge culture gap, this tale proves!
'Magine U.S. folks moved
for type of illegal aliens!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2016:
In general, we at Daily Limerick dig leap years--an extra day, Sadie Hawkins, all that.

But why, oh why, does it have to shake out that these extra days pan out for Goddamned presidential election years?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2016:
Always seek new adds for snack loot;
read of fruit with own laugh-track hoot!
It's right up my alley,
so can't dilly-dally--
must run out and grab a jackfruit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2016:
It all started with the debacle of New Coke, where they turned around a dubbed the original recipe "Coca-Cola Classic."

Then EVERYTHING was ballyhooed as "classic." Why, even radio oldies were dubbed "Classic Rock."

But the snack-size Heath bars I recently purchased come in a "Classic Bag."

When I think "Classic Bag"… Let's just say it goes well with "Classic Rock."

At least they haven't unveiled New Heath bars…

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2016:
Med. center's website was hacked lame
by hackers who played ransom game!
With…Bitcoin, conceded?
So, what, hackers needed
play cash for Monopoly game?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2016:
From a "news" story--

"Ben Carson suggested that…" Firstly, if you start any "news" story and see Ben Carson's name, it's a good clue there's no reason to read any further.

Now, his existence as a candidate is newsworthy. Proof that the GOP Frankenstein La-BOR-atory now not only produces black Republicans, but also "doctors" who don't believe in that pesky science business.

We've finally reached the point where the GOP makes the Vatican look science-friendly! When do you think the Republican Party will pardon Galileo?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2016:
Those who are for President gunning,
are fair game for Press--ripping, funning!
Though special group's, Can't Defames,
bedrock of Free Speech reign…
Didn't know Beyoncé's running!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2016:
With apologies to MAD Magazine… A Late Night TV Ad We're Afraid We'll Soon See--

"...BUT WAIT! If you ACT NOW to begin the Last Day of the Rest of Your Life, and sign-up for our addiction rehab (now covered mandatorily under ObamaCare), we'll thrown in a second rehab for a friend or family member ABSOLUTELY FREE!..."

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2016:
Since opposites do attract, see,
raised bumpkin, moved urban… Goll', gee!
Hot rainbow of chick skin here!
Wrong to crave, 'stead of fear?
"Ebon-Thee and Ivor-Me!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2016:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I entered the world of online dating about six months ago, after stubbornly refusing to even acknowledge it as "legit" for DL's entire previous existence.

Okay, the process has brought me a couple dates…make that "dates"…and I currently have a few things in the cooker from the sites, as possibilities anyway, so I can't say it's hurt my romantic life--in fact it has helped by putting a few extra poles in my romantically troubled waters…and, from what I've read, anyway, it's still a little early to have expected snagging my Soul Mate or anything… But I must give kudos to the likes of Tinder and OKC!

Why? They've amazingly managed to make online dating even more flaky, cruel and hopeless than traditional dating!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2016:
In my life, leap years, on reflection,
bring Big Change, perhaps new direction!
The "extra" day, I might cheer,
'cept that they're also years
of presidential elections!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Sadie Hawkins Eve!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/29/2016:
Leap Day---when chicks at whom I'm gawkin'
play guy role at which, rest year, balkin'!
Could this be good? Very!
Yet best to be wary,
lest tangle with a Sadist Hawkins!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/29/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Sadie Hawkins Day!...