Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: January 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2016:
This New Year's Eve, many, out, go! Show,
party or just with in-the-know flow!
I don't care! But as for me,
small New Year for Man, be
one New Leap Year for my Mojo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Leap Year 2016!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2016:
Trump's insults near made Jeb Bush cry,
so Jeb gave Insult Game a try
and called Don a…"jerk"?
What's next in the works--
"I know you are…but what am I?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2016:
It's that time of year again, where we're trying to reintegrate to normal life, coming off the Holidays…and annoying bastards nonetheless leave their Christmas decorations up, while Christmas ads continue to run.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know this, but we'll say it again, anyway, since it's important--

Christmas is a Special time BECAUSE it's a limited time. Any festivities pre-Thanksgiving and post-New Year's Day are not, in fact, festive but nauseating.

Modern life, however, adds new villains committing these Crimes of Christmas. Now, not only are there the decorations and shills but also…spam and the "women's networks" of Lifetime, OWN, Hallmark, etc…

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of 2016!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2016:
New Year--with post-Christmas blahs slammed!
Bastards leave halls decked 'til Spring's Lamb!
Through Jan., kicked in 'nads
by ling'ring Yule ads--
now, too, Lifetime's movies and spam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2016:
Washington Post headline--

"As Floods Hit Britain, Syrian Refugees Lend a Helping Hand"

Considering everybody picks and chooses their own version of the "news" now, conveniently reinforcing their partisan dogmas, we're not sure why we still bother pointing things like this out…

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2016:
New Year--with post-Christmas blahs slammed!
Bastards leave halls decked 'til Spring's Lamb!
Through Jan., kicked in 'nads
by ling'ring Yule ads--
now, too, Lifetime's movies and spam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2016:
Washington Post headline--

"As Floods Hit Britain, Syrian Refugees Lend a Helping Hand"

Considering everybody picks and chooses their own version of the "news" now, conveniently reinforcing their partisan dogmas, we're not sure why we still bother pointing things like this out…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2016:
Two nuns walk into a Walmart…
"Cool," you say, "if that's how joke starts
then how does it end?"
You tell me, my friend--
I just saw pushing groc'ry cart!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2016:
It's one thing to be misinformed.

Quite another to be malinformed.

And, yes, we do need such a term…

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2016:
Spam starring Trump comes day and night!
His pill brings mem'ry to new heights!
So shill point here's, must construe,
mem'ry of fellow who
can't recall damned Bill of Rights?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2016:
All this CGI and 3D animation stuff? Awesome, of course, like any other technological progress.

But, Hollywood folks? While it's great to have these new tools at your disposal, which make for some great movies where appropriate… You don't HAVE to do all your animation this way. In fact, sometimes a story works better with the old fashioned 2D animation and actually looks creepy when in your white-knuckled, 3D tech-addicted hands…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2016:
Some apple bags I buy have stickers
on each, so peel 'fore eat, real quick ther'!
Did note this, one day,
when through bag half-way…
More fiber for me, if must snicker!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2016:
For our first "Food" edition in a leap year, let's talk…frog legs!

Get it?... Okay, for-get it.

Seriously, though, I get the feeling that most Americans haven't tried frog legs and that, at least among all but the most picky, a curiosity exists about them.

So, since I have indeed had frog legs, I can report that… Well, as you can imagine, there's not a lot of meat on them. A lot like, say, chicken wings. In fact, while I recall them having a slight buttery thing workin', they mostly… Well, taste like chicken, if you can imagine such a thing...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2016:
Laughs--Weekend Update, Chev through Norm,
Fey/Poehler…guys who now perform?
Try, but can't warm up to them!
Warmed mere smidge, since back when
they started! To them…lukewarmed?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2016:
National Football League teams in Oakland, St. Louis and San Diego are among those itchin' to relocate to Los Angeles.

Who do they think they are--locally treasured actors and comics?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2016:
Began when I mistyped word "Spanish";
then thought 'bout plague of e-mail scams dished…
Not typo, but Bingo!
Today, it's real lingo--
regrettably folks, we have "Spamish"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2016:
We imagine most "psychics" give hopeful readings to customers, since that'd seem the most likely way to keep 'em coming back and gain more.

Then again, maybe some are just of a dark disposition and can't help themselves. And perhaps there are similarly disposed customers who'll keep coming back for the dire prognostications.

In other words, there are optimystics and pessimystics.

Ugh.

Hey. From a strict religious point of view, we just finished the Holidays Wednesday with that Epiphany deal…

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2016:
Boss threw office bash in his play boat!
Someone took pics--caught dirty ape's bloat-
ed nuts 'tween an intern's cheeks!
Boss somehow spun the leak
blaming assistant as scape-scrot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2016:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I previously stated that talking to one's computer/phone/etc. was just creepy and there was simply no way in hell I would ever engage in such nonsense. Even creepier when given a name like Siri.

But I'm prepared to modify that position.

My father had arthritis in his declining years, which made it difficult for him to type on his computer, so he installed that Dragon voice recognition software. That makes for one good exception that could, one day, lead me to talk to my damned device.

I thought of another instance that could change my hard-line stance.

If I were piloting a spacecraft. See, it seems ridiculously inappropriate to talk to one's phone between gossip calls, Candy Crush and selfies on the bus, but makes perfect sense if you're steering through the asteroid belt en route to one of Saturn's moons.

Even then, though, I'd use a much better, and less creepy, name than freakin' Siri...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2016:
When you get bad info from guy/gal norm-
al term's "misinformed." With dis, pal, adorned--
bad info is negligent
or meant (no accident)--
in cases like that, you're mal-informed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2016:
When I lived in L.A… Chief Limericist checking in, here… The whole scene seemed so damned lonely.

I'm a performer, so that was one reason I lived there, but only for a year. Hated the place. I guess the town is known in general as a lonely place, in many instances at least, especially for performers--people leave their friends and family behind and move there, bringing more broken dreams than dreams-come-true.

I actually have some family in SoCal, so you'd think it'd be less lonely for me but…no. Somehow, the place screams, "Loneliness!" Somehow, it seems to me like the Center of All Human Loneliness.

I was always close to my immediate family, so that was a big part of it, too. And strangely, since my parents passed away over the last few years, I feel very L.A. Strange, I know, but I even think of L.A. more often since their passings.

In fact, I sorta, kinda think about moving back there, circumstances evolving me into more of a performer than a writer in recent years, at least income-wise, with my parents gone and my nephews almost young adults.

And you'd think L.A. would seem less lonely now, all things considered but… Somehow, L.A. screams, "Loneliness!" more than ever now…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2016:
NFL wants L.A. team back! Spurs
Rams, Raiders and Chargers all jacked fer!
Ask these teams, by stars,
who they think they are--
local treasure comics and actors?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2016:
Just a few years ago, yesterday would've been a big, fun, football playoff-watching day for me. Chief Limericist, that is. But now, football's just about ruined for me.

Why? Fantasy football.

Okay, it's not just fantasy football, but that's the straw that ultimately pulverized the camel.

It hasn't helped that the main gig I took on a little over two years ago has me working most every Sunday until… Well, if I'm lucky, October or November. And that my team, the Chicago Bears, haven't been so hot in recent seasons, so that by the time I'm able to settle in for a football day, the Bears are already out of the running (not being a big "watch for the love of the game" guy).

All along, the National Football League's overall setup has pissed me off. They leave Saturday to college football, for which I give far less than a shit about, then broadcast most games at noon on Sundays, effectively sandbagging the whole day. (I like to get things done during the day then relax at night, but once I settle in to watch TV at noon, there goes the day.) The NFL, of course, with a short season compared to other major sports, has a huge interest in keeping folks watching football all day and night, in addition to following their local teams. Hence the annoying game shifts starting at noon.

And the bastards latched onto fantasy football as a means toward their end. Which at first was simply annoying--fantasy stats and reports mixed in with game coverage, the NFL actually throwing its hat into the ring with fantasy leagues through its Web site, etc. I suppose this makes sense from a business point of view, in that fantasy football dorks pay attention to most every game to track their "players," but it also created a breed of annoying fans to avoid--not so much watching the games, but each individual player's performance.

In realizing just how much the NFL's embraced this blasphemy, I've lost most of my interest.

Through rules changes and such, the game has become more quarterback- and passing-led in recent-ish years. This has made the game more exciting to most. I'm admittedly in the minority, longing for the days of more great running backs, perhaps because I grew up watching Walter Payton. But I was reading about fantasy football's effect on the real game lately and… Ugh.

Nobody's saying the NFL has actually changed rules to accommodate fantasy football more. But analyses I read also make it hard to imagine, with all the money made here, that fantasy football is NOT a factor.

Getting back to my musing on the league just a few years ago… Why, a few years ago, coming home on the bus after a full Saturday of work, having missed that day's action but excited about being able to take in the next day's playoff games, listening to fellow riders' comments on the day's action would've stoked my interest.

Instead, riding home Saturday I heard such bizarre fan chatter as "I don't care if they won, just how much passing yardage such-and-such gained" and "Who won that anyway--I turned it off after so-and-so missed that field goal?"… Ugh, again.

Fuck football… Well, at least until the Bears get good again…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2016:
Though love animation, now see
all CGI technology?
Makes for creepy features!
No more cutesy creatures!
Hey--no law says MUST be 3D!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2016:
Shouldn't we now adjust the metaphor to be a "Chinese stock market drill"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2016:
What food to help your leap year kick in?
Tried frog legs? I find finger-lickin'
good! In fact, here's what I'll do
give you a brief review--
frog legs taste...well, er…like chicken.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2016:
For our weekly Wednesday "Food" content, a slice-of-life thingie regarding one of those avoid-what's-"bad"-for-you trends surrounding something that, curiously, wasn't causing any problems until we identified the cause of those problems--

My saline nasal spray is, thank God…"gluten-free"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2016:
Now, Siri and ilk? "Creepy," file it!
Won't talk to computer! Nope! While it's
convenient to some…
Exceptions? I've one--
if I'm ever a spacecraft pilot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2016:
Went to one of those nauseating self-help/support group meetings with all the saccharine motivational saying tossed around…and Facebook broke out!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2016:
Auto checkouts, all long-lined, seeing
one day at store, open lanes being
manned by pesky, real, live clerks!
Folks forgot how to work
purchases with human beings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2016:
Attention economists! Wanna present yourself as a maverick to the financial world? Simply predict something, ANYTHING good for the economy's future!

Year ago, it was the guys with those "The World is Coming to an End" signs...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2016:
Two Trekkies explored world unknown--
no man'd been before to her Zone!
"Play Doctor," she purred, "ya',
and I'll be Uhura!"
He: "I'll probe Uranus with Bones!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2016:
One of those couples' "adult" stores in Chicago bears the sing, "Be Your Own Valentine."

If not familiar with this concept, trust us, it's not as sweet as it…well, DOES it sound sweet to anybody?

By this reasoning, every day's St. Valentine's Day around here. Guess it does save money on the flowers, candy, dates, etc…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2016:
Screw football! Odd, rule changes bend
to stoke fantasy football trend?
Killed running game--passing crazed!
Bye, noon game-killed Sundays!
('Least 'til Bears get good again…)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2016:
To any software designers, techies…whoever the hell's working with computer systems and such-specifically, "updating" the autocorrect feature--

Please, for the love of Elvis, STOP! It just keeps getting more and more annoying, and it started out pretty freakin' annoying to begin.

Follow the old adage, "If it ain't broke…" Er, maybe, "If it's already broke, quit fixing it and making it, um, er…more broke?"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2016:
Martin Luther King, Jr., dared
to Dream. Though, now, still, need declare
to world, "BlackLivesMatter,"
those who, Dream, would shatter,
like Rahm, instead share in Nightmare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy King Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2016:
Black cat's near your path? Let her go!
Dark bird lurks 'round? Go with the flow!
Grow genius from sadness;
rhyme, reason with madness--
birthday of Edgar Allan Poe!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2016:
Addicted to "wellness," world be--
folks try to live eternally!
Don't even pretend
it's not nutball trend--
my damned NASAL SPRAY'S "gluten-free"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2016:
I like to make Greek chicken every now and then.

Well, what I call "Greek chicken," anyway. Ain't dealing with any recipes, haven't talked to any authentic Greek chefs, etc. I just add what seems to fit the bill--lotta garlic, lemon juice, Rosemary and olive oil.

In fact, you might say that making authentic Greek chicken is Greek to me!

Er, maybe not. How about… My chicken is non-Greek to Greeks? Or something?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2016:
When something's chaotic, chock-filled
with ritual, real results nil,
it's "Chinese fire drill" we say!
Should now, from news today,
dub, "Chinese STOCK MARKET drill"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2016:
So Khloe Kardashian announced she recorded her and Lamar Odom having sex?

As soon as someone can get their hands on a copy…kill it forever! Who in the hell would wanna see that?... We're gonna be sick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2016:
Support group where, like saccharine spout,
touchy-feely memes tossed about,
stoked hunger insatiable
for motivationals--
suddenly, Facebook broke out!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2016:
The Air Force is reportedly encountered "mysterious problems" with many of its drones. And we imagine the Air Force deals in top-of-the-line drones.

You may recall reports, including herein, indicating that civilians bought 400,000 drones this past holiday shopping season.

But we're sure the regulators and such know what they're doing.

Right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2016:
Hot chick dyed hair pink, spurring wonder fit--
did she avoid ol' design blunder wit'?
Did her carpet match her drapes?
Though haven't seen her 'scape,
something sure matches right under it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2016:
Most of us believe that somewhere out there in the universe, there exists other forms of intelligent life.

In mulling possible reasons that intelligent aliens haven't visited us here on Earth, without getting into the conspiracy theories and such… Well, we come up with one we haven't heard yet.

Let's say you were a space alien and you received a feed of an Earth broadcast during an election year…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2016:
Economists--want fame to trend?
Predict something GOOD! Dudes now tend
toward Chicken Little Off--
role of, past years, at, scoffed,
with signs, "World's Coming to End"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2016:
First, Donald Trump received the kiss-of-death endorsement of Mike Ditka.

Now? Sarah Palin.

Next? The only logical guess can be…Bill Cosby?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2016:
"Autocorrect"--so bad, I'm floored!
Each fix worse--please stop, I implore!
Best to follow the old saw,
tweaked for meddling tech paws--
"If broke, quit breaking it more!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2016:
Now advertising language is…well, it is what it is, as they say, but shills are still supposed to have some level of realism and believability to them.

Witnessed a commercial for life insurance wherein one dude informs another about a company and its plans and website to which the first guy says, "Sweet."

There is nothing whatsoever in the whole world of insurance, of any form, that ever, under any circumstances, calls for the word "sweet."

At least, of course, from the customer end of things, "end" being the operative word here…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2016:
Another sex tape from Kardashian?
Sole "talent" this bunch has, rehashed? Again?
This one? Khloe's cast! Her?
Someone grab the master
and toss it right into the trash, my friend!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

When I've went sniffin' around for a nude model, everyone seems to just pooh-pooh the idea.

Huh? No, haven't touched the art supplies left over from college electives in quite some time. I seek a model for poetry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You all say the same thing--not muse-worthy…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2016:
Greek chicken, oft make--just last week!
Add lemon and garlic 'til reeks!
Best guess--got no recipe!
I'd say, "It's Greek to me,"
but more like, "Non-Greek to Greeks!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2016:
Had a taste for ice cream. Just a little hankerin', so thought I'd just knock off a couple of those little, so called "single serving" cups, but they're vanilla, and I wanted something…well, not vanilla, and lacking chocolate or other syrups spied, in my fridge…mango chutney.

I'm on to something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2016:
First Ditka, with kiss-of-death maw, he
endorsed--and now Palin applauds! Gee,
with backers like this,
next up on the list
can only be, guessing…Bill Cosby?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2016:
Lamenting how models these days are all into this "wellness" crap--yes, we care deeply about the plight of models here at Daily Limerick--we realized that, when it boils down to it, smokes and intoxicants meet Vegan standards, so maybe it's just the more things change, the more they stay the same?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2016:
Air Force, problems found with drones new! Things
"mysterious"? So I'm construing…
Christmas, hundred thousands were
sold to civilians! Sure
reg'lators know what they're doing!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2016:
A new Gerber Baby has been named!

Curiously, they didn't recruit Steve Harvey for the festivities…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2016:
A cowboy could not keep up chin! Pon-
derosa all men--craved dame skin! Blonde
young harlot rode into town!
So wildly threw cock 'round--
banged her AND horse she rode in on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2016:
What does it take to get folks serious about this scourge that is "autocorrect"?

Hey, folks, recent updates have made it prejudiced! That's right, just try typing out, say, a Limerick--gotta do tricks to get it to take a non-capped line!

This is discrimination against…poets!

Yeah, it's always fine to discriminate against poets, but we tried…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2016:
What haven't space trav'lers come here?
Know of many theories made clear,
but consider broadcast pace,
signals sent out to space
in ev'ry election year…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2016:
There is no such thing as a "mixologist."

"Bartender" is a fine word. Does the job...