Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: July 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2016:
This hip-to-obsession thing, Fitbit,
now says when to sleep--for the nitwit!
Since folks don't mind their lives
controlled by on-grid hive…
Heed (un)nature's call with the Shitbit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

Okay, I've bitched and moaned about selfie media, and will continue to do so, maybe far too much. And I believe I've more than justified my handle for this scourge, rather than the poorly named "social media" one, but… Twitter.

Writing a novel again, after many moons, I've been setting aside my love-hate (mostly hate) relationship for selfie media enough to learn and try tricks for this modern self marketing jazz. Especially on Twitter, which is more word/text based than other outlets, in any event.

I jumped into Facebook, Twitter and MySpace before those with the performer/writer attitude of the more the merrier regarding "friends" and "followers." That is, accumulate as many as you can, even if it means you can't pay close attention to the vast majority of these so-called "friends" and… Well, Twitter goes both ways, so one has separate groups of "followers" and those you're "following."

I've noticed that bigger name writers on Twitter have more "followers" than Twits they're "following," so I've been shooting for that recently. Add to this some advice I read for a self-publishing guru, who advises to seriously limited those you "follow" so you can actually make use of their words, and I've really been culling my "following" list.

I'm down to a bit more than 500 Twits "following." And, seriously, I think one'd have trouble truly following 50, unless you spend all your waking hours playing Twit.

But I've noticed most successful and semi-successful authors in my Twit network are following more than 1,000.

Still think "selfie media's" just a jokey title for this crap?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2016:
An Olympics groupie for curling,
found Rio's, sans event, unfurling!
White dude dug her choc'late glow,
so put her in the know
of an "event" known as "swirling"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2016:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know we're far from hopeless optimists here at DL.

But, even through the Iraq War Debacle, Great Recession, etc., we never flagged in our belief that America is, indeed, great.

So what's this pap about needing to make it so AGAIN?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2016:
Teams, leagues--even a playoff race--
for the athlete…vid'yo game ace?
Makes sense, in mod world where we,
dubbed "social," all can be,
sans meeting folks face-to-face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2016:
Headline--

"'Brexit' Vote Reveals Deeply Divided Britain"

Who the hell does the U.K. think it is--the United States?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2016:
Seventeen Seventy-Six, fad be
independence! Concept quite rad'--free!
Led then, Founding Fathers!
Today? We're more bothered
by, could say, Flound'ring Baby Daddies?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2016:
Airbnb's now a sensation?
From one forced, Great Recession ragin',
to take roommate strangers,
raise funds with less danger--
like handjobs by the Greyhound station?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2016:
Ever buy something that comes with a Lifetime Warranty…yet comes in a two-pack?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2016:
Whole day, ran behind from the get go!
'Waved frozen burrito! Meal set! Lo
and behold, knock came
at door…was some dame--
Food Network gave me my own chef show!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2016:
Recently, it being a hot day, I made myself a dinner of taco dip and tortilla chips.

A bit later, ate one of those burrito-sized flour tortillas as a snack.

Otherwise, had some cola, I guess, but… Well, I burped and distinctly tasted Indian food.

There may or may not be some metaphor there for America's Melting Pot and the variety of ethnicities I put into my gullet...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2016:
To be heard, on Twitter folks wallow!
But "followers" seems hard to swallow!
By hundreds, or thousands,
can keep up? E'en browsin'?
It's called "social"? I just don't follow!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2016:
Not to be insensitive, especially about something as darkly serious as cancer, but… Yeah, more late-night TV commercial musings, but had any of us a vagina here at Daily Limerick--excuse our ponderings if we're missing something about them… Well, don't think we'd be spreading talcum powder around it, or any other opening, but that's just us…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2016:
To bitch 'bout this nation's, my yen,
true patriot move. Whole point, friends!
Iraq War, Recession,
through, still found "Great" blessin'--
so what's this crap 'bout "Great AGAIN"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2016:
So these TV ads for rehabs you see, late night, over and over again… Tryin' not to digress on this highly digress-friendly subject to us here, so… Ahem.

They all flash warnings about "no guarantees of health insurance coverage" but, considering, if you've paid any attention to rehabs in the news… No warning about the lack of guarantees on any success in these "treatments"?

Or perhaps this makes perfect sense, considering the whole point of these appears to be the Rehab Mills making money--thus necessitating that insurance coverage?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2016:
A girlie went in for a permanent!
Eyes covered, tried hard not to squirm… In went
the cleaning boy--pants went south,
stuck his schlong in her mouth!
Went home with more like a "sperm-anent"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2016:
So Mischa Barton is being criticized for wearing a bikini and holding a glass of wine during her…well, apparently mandatory celebrity twit/post/whatever as a tribute to Alton Sterling.

Yes, folks, this is now not only "news," but "The News."

Notice we don't hear as much about what, say, police chiefs, politicians and urban planning professors say about these events. Who the hell cares what they have to say about it?

Since everything's now gotta be free, pesky journalists are hardly involved anymore. And it our do-it-yourself-media age, celebrities are the one's more than willing to do it, so this is what we get.

We'll remain optimists and simply blame the Internet. Rather than seeing some deep, dark Orwellian plan that's going far more swimmingly than any sinister forces involved could have dreamed…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2016:
This Brexit leaves U.K. in mess!
Brits deeply divided, no less!
Fallout? Time will tell!
But who in the hell
do they think they are--the U.S.?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2016:
Not that anything she's saying is any less nutjob, but considering our current, er, crop of, um folks dangerously close to a position of frighteningly real power… Is it just us, or, relatively anyway, does Sarah Palin seem a little less kooky this election season?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2016:
For wall outlet, needed a new jack
adapter. Bought one, ballyhooed back
of package, "Replaced for free
with Lifetime Warranty"!
So, why's just come in a two-pack?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2016:
Innocents and protestors being shot by police… Ignorant slime balls talking "race war"… A whole new level of Me Generation: Selfie… Does History itself get a yen for retro and nostalgia--in this case bringing the '60s back in a big way?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2016:
Though oft's put a bee in my bonnet,
don't have flow'r that's inspired mass sonnets!
But these late-night ads?
If a cooch I had
sure wouldn't put talcum upon it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Daily Limerick's Seventeenth Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2016:
I burped--and what flavors I got!
Pie, Indian, Tex-Mex-style hot
and more! Plain…exotic…
I'm so patriotic
my digestion's a Melting Pot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2016:
Conspiracy alert--

"Gourmet burger" joints are opening in droves these days, but one thing they have in common?

Lotta ketchup, lotta mayo, no mustard.

So, is this meant to imply that the meat itself is so darned delicious they can get away with using inferior condiments while avoiding the one that a burger simply cries out for?

I tried a couple of these "gourmet burgers"….enough to learn an alternative definition for "gourmet"…"To be avoided at all costs"… So do I have to start carrying my own freakin' mustard around?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2016:
Late-night, rehab mill ads confess!
Insurance? Can't promise you're blessed!
Shows what's most important--
their cash won't see shortin'!
(Won't dare cite Big Rehab's "success"!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2016:
The news brings us reference to a woman dubbed a "Facebook Live Star."

See, Facebook now has this option to post video, which perhaps they've always had anyway, and they dub it going "Live"--so now every selfie-happy prick with nothing to say is going "live" left and right.

So this has created stars for this medium?

Well, "stars." See, the news we read is most certainly "news," as it came from Facebook, which is, naturally, into creating "news" about itself.

Getting to the point where it's redundant to put those quotes around the word "news"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2016:
Once News was news! Not "news"--could use!
'Net came, News turned "news"--what stars choose!
Now celeb reactions
to "news" from "News" factions
is "news"! So "news"--"news" is now "News"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2016:
Legislators are now exploring the creation of legislation regarding the civilian availability of drones, now that some of them come with flame throwers and the capacity to fire bullets.

Fear of that legendary Kite-Eating Tree seems a little more silly now, somehow...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2016:
Nymph yellow-dressed's joy? Couldn't mask it!
O'er picnic, sang, "Tiscuit, a tasket!"
Date sensed her excitement
and so packed enlight'nment--
in form of Taiwan Picnic Basket!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2016:
So… "Bravecto."

A new one from the shill think-tankers ridiculously paid to name Big Pharma's cash cows, who apparently played a lot of D&D as youngsters.

See, Big Pharma's not satisfied that they have nearly every last human being in the First World on their pills.

Next, the pushers are coming for your pets. Moo-ha-ha-haaa!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2016:
Though her thinking still seems quite hazy,
election, o'er, still in a daze, be!
With Trump nominee,
it does seem to me
that Palin, somehow, seems less crazy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2016:
For various reasons, we know far more than the average cat about the Prohibition era, Chicago gangsters. Into this sorta thing, we were eager to catch AMC's kick-off of its "The Making of the Mob: Chicago" series.

AMC roped-in a grandniece of Al Capone, so we're guessing a little thing was overlooked to guarantee her full involvement.

The series explain that a young Capone married Mae Coughlin and she soon became pregnant with a son.

In reality, the pregnancy occurred before the marriage--of a syphilitic prostitute who died in childbirth--and Al married an infertile Mae as a form of arrangement.

Telling little nugget about our society here. There's so far no hint of any spin on Al's violence and murders.

But don't dare go sullying his reputation with talk of prostitutes, premarital sex and out-of-wedlock children!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2016:
Hot tensions 'tween protests and gov!
Shootings, riots--praying for Dove!
Since this unrest mix be
nostalgic for Sixties--
'least thrown in a Summer of Love!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2016:
So Universal's going to remake its classic monster movies.

Must begrudgingly admit that they're successful, in one way, already. Sorta.

See, the mere idea's already terrifying us…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2016:
T'ward bipartisanship I'm prone!
So fine with gun-restriction zones,
but find Arms' Right 'portant one.
Now read of drones with guns…
Not sure 'bout "Right to Own Drones"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2016:
From a news story--

"Pokemon Go has led to muggings, car crashes, cliff rescues--and now a shooting."

Hmm.

We kinda pooh-poohed this silliness when first learning of it, but we just keep hearing such good things about the game!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2016:
"Gourmet burgers" don't get me flustered!
All 'round town! Though "foodies" may lust fer,
they top 'em with ketchup slap,
mayo or other crap…
Sorry, folks, burger needs mustard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2016:
So, apparently, in order to satisfy the "foodies" (still cringe when we type or say the term), you just take a few different spices, herbs, etc. and tossing into whatever the hell.

Doesn't matter how well the ingredients taste together. A few diversely named ingredients and the culinary hipsters  "ooh" and "ahh."

In fact, we're certain they'll "ooh" and "ahh"  even if you just TELL them you add those things and toss 'em a microwaved, processed entrée…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2016:
Bravecto ad blizzard now lets
Big Pharma use new weapon--vets!
Not 'nuff that their shills
have world's folks on pills--
now they're comin' after our pets!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2016:
If we were annoying hipster types, we might call this section "Swipin' and Wipin'"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2016:
Universal Studios verified,
remakes, Monster Classics. They dare? And why?
Though sick of remaking jerks,
one level, sure they'll work--
mere concept has me full terrified!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2016:
Antenna TV, one of our Chicago local TV stations we tend to watch a lot, being fans of old sitcoms, has been piddling around with various warning systems for things like tornado watches, thunderstorm warnings, etc.

You know. The type of things that are really outdated in this day and age, with everyone constantly on their smart devices and such. Guess we have to admit we're dinosaurs because…well, we ARE among the traditional TV-watching dinosaurs that compose these channels' demographics..

This was easy to ignore when a silent banner simply ran across the top or bottom of the TV screen. But now they're doing 'em with audio.

We'll admit that these warning ARE effective, however. In that they get us to change the channel...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2016:
On hot day--a record, temps deemed--
nymph Stef felt wild lust for Joachim!
Dragged him to meat locker
for he to cold cock her--
his jizz shot in form of ice cream!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2016:
This is a real tragedy, the fate of these Facebook Live stars!

See, I haven't heard of any of them. In fact, nobody I talk to has.

Imagine, being a full-fledged star, but having nobody know you're one...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2016:
My Pokemon Go int'rest? None!
Then read of the muggings and guns,
car crashes--such doings!
Not sure why pooh-poohing--
it sounds like so much gosh darn fun!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2016:
Idea for an animated TV show--

Gangster Babies.

Lil' Capone, Giancana, Bugs Moran… Maybe even a Larry Hoover or something?... Always thinkin'…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2016:
If I were type to fall for hypin'--
a hipster--perhaps I'd be typin'
a diff'rent, here, section hed,
something like, oh, instead
lame one, say "Swipin' and Wipin'"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2016:
So this thing called a "heat index" or, halfway around the year, "wind chill factor."

Stupid and useless. Okay, near useless.

Without even getting into what these things don't take into account--total time of sunlight for day, etc.--people don't need to be told they're hot, cold, a little hot, very cold, etc.

The only purpose these things serve is getting folks more addicted to weathermen than they already are.

It's weather. Can't do anything about it. Life goes on. Gotta do what you gotta do in any event...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2016:
Weather 'Lerts for folks who can't handle
tech leave TV viewing in shambles!
Hope effective for
non-"smart" dinosaurs--
'cause they just get me to change channel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2016:
You've probably seen the memes and posts, T-shirts, banners, what have you proclaiming, "I Support Law Enforcement."

Funny that most of the folks brandishing the dogma are the same who thump their chests as self-dubbed "patriots," because this an attitude straight out of, say, Red China or the old Soviet Union--the establishment is always right, regardless of any given incident's particulars.

This is just another front of the simple minded, partisan Fantasy Land at the heart of America's political problems. Despite a prism of colors, folks can't handle the idea of viewing the world as anything but black and white.

Which is, in this case, literal in addition to metaphorical, with the logical punchline to this equation added--"Cops, Good; Black Lives Matter, Bad"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2016:
Take frozen meal, need not be fave;
toss on fine plate, from microwave;
claim quaint-sounding spices
inside--so entices,
about it, lame "foodies" will rave!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2016:
So a new grocery store is opening near me. Right next to me, in fact.

And I won't be patronizing it.

Have a couple grocery stores near me already. Granted, not as near as this new one, but this new one will be of a certain chain of these all-the-rage models with its own cafeteria/restaurant, making a big deal out of "fresh," although, in my experience, all grocers sell fresh goods. That's kinda like bragging about offering "edible" fare. (Thanks, Subway.)

Then again, these new grocers do offer a boost to self esteem, at least if you're one of those types who feel better about yourself for paying more for essentially the same goods.

Last thing I need near me's an uppity, overpriced grocery store...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2016:
I feel for these "Facebook Live Stars"!
Despite talent, fame, look how far
they still need to go
for most us to know
exactly who the hell they are!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2016:
Keep reading about these campaigns, in this case through pro sports, of "awareness, education, intervention, blah blah, yadda yadda" to prevent domestic violence.

Thought it was pretty simple. Don't hurt other people. But if you wanna make a multi-billion-dollar industry out of it, in the end making no difference, well… Guess that's capitalism today...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2016:
Heat index? Wind chill? These fall short!
Check temp, but this stuff is mere sport!
Can gauge this by feeling!
This stuff helps with one thing--
our 'ddiction to weather reports!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2016:
Got a new, touchy-feely public service campaign we're workin' on--

"Handjobs, Not Handguns."

What? TOO touchy-feely?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2016:
There was a fine lass named Shakira,
spun head, 'round town, try'n to steer clear a'
a man who was stalking--
leered, tugged, all while walking--
but he fired one off from far rear'a! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2016:
A lot of Republicans are inordinately upset that actor Bradley Cooper attended the Democratic National Commercial.

See, Cooper portrayed a soldier in a certain movie, becoming a form of Right-Wing icon and… Ahem.

This sorta confusion happens when a "reality" TV star becomes a major party presidential candidate…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2016:
This meme, "I Support Law Enforcement"…
So, really? A blanket endorsement?
They're human, but always right?
See the world black and white?
(Lit'rally, now, with day's course bent!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2016:
We know of at least two popular bands whose names include one year from the 1970s.

Then there's the mustaches, part of the "Ironic" Thing (with improper use of "ironic"), Will Ferrell movies and… So, are the 1970s just permanently nostalgia now?...