Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: June 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2016:
New dish Olive Garden hard sells--
Italian quesadillas? Well,
faux ethnic dish spewed?
I must ask just who
they think that they are--Taco Bell?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2016:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know I love my hot sauce. And other hot flavorings, such as straight-up or marinated jalapeños. I've even trumpeted its health merits--for instance wondering why folks with regularity problems don't just go spicy.

Another hot sauce health benefit, especially this time of year?

The other day, dined on chili mac and afterward?

Despite the spring assault, my sinuses were completely clear and delightful.

In case you're having trouble putting two and two together, as they say, I find it impossible to eat something like chili without copious dollops of hot sauce, so there ya' go…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2016:
'Round town, lately, see certain strut…
Not perfect yet, but, tell ya' what,
Quest for Sex Equality's
getting there, when I see,
even chicks with Plumber's Butt!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2016:
So some lady couldn't keep an eye on her mealy mouthed, snot-nosed kid at the Cincinnati Zoo, a gorilla "toyed" with the kid and they…shot the gorilla?

Who do zoo officials think they are--Chicago cops?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2016:
In Pakistan, dude brought a bill--
can "lightly beat" wives, punished nil?
Perhaps ladies there
will protest with flare--
treat him to a kind and "light kill"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2016:
Must've posted something on Flakebook that offended a politician "friend"--de-"friend"-ed… Actually a good thing… Shouldn't be fraternizing, or even "fraternizing," with such riffraff…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2016:
A long-haired black chick, name of Flo,
worked hard straight'ning hair that did show--
mainstream head to foot!
But did mind her roots,
for did, below, Go With the 'Fro!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2016:
It took a while to kick in, but we just KNEW serious trouble would come from that Zima crap.

Ohhh… That's not an "m" it's… Read along. Nothing to see here...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2016:
Trump says there's no Cal. drought? Feel gloom o'er this
election! Hil, Don choice? Which doom's your twist?
From redwoods to Valley,
don't know about Cali,
but sure as hell no drought…for humorists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2016:
Can we dub a day National No Stupid Fake Holiday Day?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2016:
Kid hit ape cage, not watched in least;
gorilla now does Rest In Peace!
Zoo shot him, which stinks!
Just who do they think
that they are--Chicago Police?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2016:
We're gonna go ahead and say that things started going south around the time it became acceptable to use the plural forms "octopuses" and "cactuses."

We can't peg exactly when this happened, bit it was certainly recent-ish.

We found "octopi" and "cacti" cool words. A refreshing, language peccadillo change-up. But nooo. Too much trouble in the age of abbreviating everything and mangling spelling and grammar.

Yep. Rise of the Internet, Death of Journalism, the New Dark Ages… All started with "octopuses" and "cactuses"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2016:
My post somehow sent "friend" away!
De-"friend"-ed--but I say, "Hooray!"
Somehow was pol'tician
and shouldn't be mixin'
with riffraff like that anyway!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2016:
It's been a while, but here's another installment of Daily Limerick Answers the Headlines--

"Would Banning the Term 'Car Accident' Cut Down on Car Crashes?"

Er, no…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2016:
Popped open a can of beans that
was my dinner's side dish and, stat,
my girl, Flo, appeared--
thought her mealtime near!
"Pop!" turned her role to Pavlov's Cat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2016:
One of my favorite dates is dining out. Preferably, something exotic. Even more preferably, an ethnic type previously untried.

Hitting an Indonesian joint soon for a date--hoping to hell it's not yet another "date."

It isn't a new restaurant or ethnic cuisine to me at this point. Tried this place once before and… The date itself was okay, but the lady in question, as it all shook out?

Adding to the list of my "preferablies" is a good memory associated with trying the new venue/cuisine and so… Calling this a Cuisine Re-Do…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2016:
Today's WHAT? Whatever; ain't fazed!
Some "National (Something) Day's" craze!
Here's one, for, I pray,
need National Day
Without Any Fake Holidays!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2016:
For one of the games in this COPA soccer tournament, hosted for the first time in the United States, Uruguay's players stood to honor their land to the national anthem of…Chile?

Guess that, to Americans, all these folks from Latin countries even SOUND alike...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2016:
"Octopuses," not "octopi"?
"Cactuses," not "cacti"? Why, WHY?
Accepted 'cause folks can't deal
with language quirk appeal?
Fight losing battle here… (Sigh.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2016:
Chief Limericist here.

Had a great date the other night which… Well, without going into details, is a cause for a full-on honkin' celebration, way things have been going… Ahem.

Anyway, she was from an exotic land and… Couldn't help thinking, the whole time, "There once was a girl from Nigeria…" The rest, of course, coming soon to a certain site near you!…or near to your heart…or loins…or something…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2016:
There once was a girl from Nigeria
who, once you'd give her enough beer, she'd, uh,
get so bold and sassy,
she'd lube up her chassis
and beg you to park in her rear-ea!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2016:
Read the other day about folks' vulnerability to hackers through such things as…smart refrigerators?

See, these devices, while Internet connected and all, don't see the same attention, system updates, etc. as regular computers and phones, thus are even more vulnerable. And when people have a string of these things--AC, heaters, security systems, what have you--hackers can set-up what's known as a "botnet" and wreak all sorts of havoc.

Our solution?

There's no freakin' need for a smart fridge or smart any kind of appliance, so stop making 'em.

Seriously.

Guess we have to make these reminders perpetual--just because technology CAN do something, it doesn't logically follow that we HAVE to use said technology… Freakin' junkies…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2016:
DL Answers Headlines! Set? Go!
"If We Ban Term 'Car Crash' Will, Lo
and Behold We See Decrease
in Accidents?" Well, sheesh,
let me think on that… Er, no.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2016:
Watched "Revenge of the Nerds" the other night. (Chief Limericist, here.) Actually, re-watched it, although hadn't seen it since it first came out in 1984.

Mostly holds up, comedy wise, but what most floored me was… Well, it was made before a phenomenon called Political Correctness.

Sure, we have raunchy, irreverent and even outrageously offensive comedies today, but some of the things portrayed… Can't imagine them today. At least not without a firestorm.

Many of the scenes come across as terribly, horribly wrong behavior that's nonetheless celebrated and embraced by the protagonists. And they came across the same way then, of course, too. The one Big Difference between then and now is that now we're not even supposed to joke about or fictionalize these things.

Oh, and another Big Difference? Now, thanks to Political Correctness, a part of me WANTS to do these horrible, terrible things, simply because of the dogma cult insisting we can't even dare jest about them. Of course, I won't act on these urges, but I can't say I trust the rest of the population to do the same. In fact, there's proof that they are not.

Maybe, as a writer and such, I'm a bit touchy about First Amendment issues and Political Correctness. And, sure, maybe I even overreact in these cases.

But I know I'm not alone and that there are serious things at stake here, tangible, real world effects beyond words and expression.

This is exactly why we have Donald Trump as a major party, presidential nominee, folks…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2016:
At COPA, when Uruguay's crew
stood for anthem, heard…Chile's? Knew
mainstream U.S., rather lame,
thinks Latin folk look same--
but think they sound alike, too?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2016:
Okay, clarification on our policy toward this talking to one's computer/phone (potato, po-tah-to) stuff.

Having already admitted that there ARE cases where it makes some sense--for those with, say, arthritis or poor eyesight, while driving (although, seriously, you don't HAVE to be doing something and/or entertained every freakin' second), etc-.-why do you have to call it something like "Siri"?

At least name it yourself or, best yet, DON'T name it. It's a GODDAMNED COMPUTER, folks! "Hey, YOU--what's the nearest gas station?"

All this having been said, we'll also reiterate that the whole concept is, regardless of reason, hopelessly, unequivocally creepy as all shit…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2016:
The "smart fridge"--new "gift" from our sciences?
Turns out, hackers can use to spy our biz!
We're full-on tech junkies,
or'd just let this bunk be--
there's no need for damned smart appliances!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2016:
Considering that we were excited about Barack Obama's presidential run a couple elections ago, at the prospect of the first black U.S. President, some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may wonder why we've lacked the same zeal regarding this election's prospect of a first woman president.

We might indeed be very excited about the idea, except that… Well, we don't think of Hillary Clinton as a woman.

Now, some folks do go into politics and manage to retain a sense of the individual they were pre-public service. But Hillary… Pure politician.

Thus… A woman? We don't even consider her HUMAN...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2016:
Irregular? Stuffed-up? At loss?
Save yourself those Big Pharma costs!
Cure ain't new from lab--
age-old, need mere dab…
This wonder "drug" folks is hot sauce!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2016:
Since the Big Mother crowd's thrown its hissy fit to badger fast food joints away from Super-Sizing, I still eat the same, actually much more, by ordering an extra sandwich, often inducing a food coma.

I call this Stupor-Sizing...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2016:
Real answers tough, so P.C. jumps
on words. Results? Mere pumpin' stump!
In fact, so annoys,
real bigotry's joy!
I resist, but that's why there's… Trump!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2016:
"Top Military Grade"? "Brightest Ever"?

We don't know about everybody else, but the same flashlights they've been making for decades still work just fine for us…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2016:
Though creepy, I'm forced to construe,
phones talking? Here to stay, but do
we have to go name 'em?
Like, "Siri"? So lame! Um…
They're PHONES! So why not just, "Hey, you!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2016:
Headline--

"Four People Shot in Downtown Oakland"

A mere four people? Does something this trifling still qualify as news in the U.S.?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2016:
Arrested, was pervert, Akim--
curse of being leg man extreme!
Went slamming his ham
while running through gams
of a women's basketball team!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2016:
Apparently, Netflix foresees possible trouble on the horizon.

While the company amazingly steered around the whole Everything Should Be Free movement of the Internet, managing to successfully charge users small amounts, they're finding increasingly that, still tied-in with the tried-and-true economics of network TV (ala newspapers, the time-honored idea of support through advertising)… Well, their whole foundation is starting to spring cracks, at least via the long-term outlook.

So, nobody gives a shit about the fact that this Everything Should Be Free deal's killed off journalism and the idea of an informed public. Which in turn has… Well, have you paid any attention to the latest presidential election? Add to that, of course, the coming death of authors' ability to make a living and… Well.

Do you think snatching away our beloved (self-awarded) Right To Be Entertained might finally get folks taking notice and (gulp)…even taking action?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2016:
For long time, this run, Hil's been groomin'--
is first woman president loomin'?
Though, high time--and stat--
don't view her as that
but pure pol! 'Fact, not even human!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2016:
A mistaken reading of my cable-TV grid found the show, "National Lampoon Investigates."

Of course, it was really "National Enquirer."

Although, considering this years election and current "real" news… Hard to tell…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2016:
Spam, ads, all 'round, praise how it shines!
And military, by design!
Don't quite understand
apparent demand--
my time-proven flashlight's just fine!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Summer 2016 (beginning 23:24 CDT)!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2016:
News--four shot in Oakland. One more
shooting news bit as the temps soar.
But rare girl or guy
e'en batted an eye--
that's "news" now? Shot-up, a mere four?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2016:
A county official in Alabama is refusing to follow President Obama's order to fly the U.S. Flag at half-mast, as a way of honoring Orlando's recent mass shooting victims.

Now, we don't think we'd go as far as this cat and ignore this order, but he DOES have a point. Events like this are not part of typical flag-lowering protocol.

But in an election year, there's an unwritten law about honoring the powerful minority group that, among other things, managed to snag June as its month...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2016:
I tried Indonesian--food new
to me, with first date for to woo…
Date? Nuts! But chow great!
So took 'nother date
for an Indonesian re-do!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2016:
Recently I noted the curious fact that my nearby Walmart, despite being in the City of Chicago and staffed mostly by notably urban types, pipes country music through its speakers continually.

Now I've noticed that another grocery store near me, Jewel, despite, again, being in the City of Chicago and staffed mostly by notably urban types, also is more than a little bit country.

I'm at a loss explaining this. Unless it's some anti-loitering ploy...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2016:
News died from "All Must Be Free" train,
with old content model disdained!
Netflix model, bump foresees...
When hits, will care, you/me,
our "right" to be entertained?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2016:
Hindsight being 20/20 and all, the other day I recalled how the mother of an ex-girlfriend took umbrage at the fact that new banks were springing up all over the place in their suburban town. (Chief Limericist, here.)

And that this was just before the onset of the Great Recession.

Recently, I noticed a whole lotta banks opening near me.

There goes the neighborhood…and perhaps a whole lot more?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2016:
National Enquirer's biz booms!
Show, "Investigates," too! I zoomed
TV grid, misreading,
but named show we're needing,
instead with, "National Lampoon"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2016:
There's a slew of hubbub over the remake of the movie "Ghostbusters," specifically the fact that it sports an all female cast.

Folks are bitchin' and moanin' about the whole concept, while the female stars, and dames everywhere, are crying "sexism."

Count us among the bitchin' and moanin' crowd.

The fact that it sports an all female cast is irrelevant.

We're up in arms about yet ANOTHER freakin' remake.

And usually, we're far from alone in this attitude. The press and selfie media flick reviewers are generally joining us in the "Stop the Remakes" chorus, but… Hmm. Can't imagine why those folks are all over the OTHER side on this one… Wonder why?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2016:
A girlie named for month of June
was just like month! "Solstice" brought swoon!
Like hitting day longest
so, too, worked up shlongs' best
with steamy heat marks at High Poon'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!... And Halfway to Christmas Day!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2016:
Hindsight--mass banks opened, one could
foretell Great Recession! But should
I worry? I spy
banks op'ning nearby!
There goes (more than) the neighborhood!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2016:
The hottest GOP trend is jumping on the bandwagon to oppose putting women and/or civil rights leaders on U.S. currency.

This is the modern Republican Party's idea of "progressive." This presidential election's still about a half-year away, but they're hard at work on future ones…losing them, anyway…

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2016:
"Ghostbusters" re-do has been raked
o'er coals! Female cast, folks can't take!
P.C. Cult defends,
but I pooh-pooh friends…
Chicks? Guys? Don't care--stop damned re-makes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2016:
So this all-the-rage Fitbit thing now…reminds folks when to go to sleep?

I know we're hard at work on the artificial variety, but shouldn't we refocus on "natural intelligence"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2016:
On rewatch, "Revenge of the Nerds,"
a rather strange phenom occurred!
Cheered acts terr'bly wrong,
'cause, for past days longed--
pre-P.C.'s War on Jokes and Words!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2016:
There now exist video game leagues.

Well, of course, but we were reading more about these and… There are competitions, coaches, training… You know, everything needed for sports, without those pesky human "players."

Don't know why we continue to be shocked over things like this. Living in a society where one can be "social" without dealing face-to-face with any other human beings...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2016:
Those Big Mother bastards killed Super Size,
but that don't cause pig-out's, for Sloop, demise!
I get same, or larger, meal,
just without package deal--
like well fed boa's, mine Stupor-Sized!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2016:
I microwaved a frozen burrito the other day…and they offered me my own TV chef show!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2016:
Cash re-do plans with diverse faces,
fought by GOP--from high places!
Progressive, if quirky--
past '16 they're working
to lose future pres'dential races!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2016:
So… Airbnb.

We're not surprised that this exists. But its popularity?

Chief Limericist, here.

Now, I rented out the spare rooms in my condo for about a decade. Mostly to strangers, some friends, but the overall equation… Well, I wouldn't wish it upon my enemies.

So, again… Airbnb?

If you're that hard up for money, go easier on yourself…instead give anonymous handjobs or something, perhaps?...