Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: March 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2016:
Pope says Trump's "Christianity's"
not Christian--spurs Pope backlash! Gee,
Pope claims cred for dishin'
the meaning of "Christian"?
Who's he think he is--GOP?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2016:
We've come up with a helpful term for a certain type of minority woman who dyes her hair a certain color…and on a side note, tends to turn on our Chief Limericist. Ahem.

Anyway--

"Eblondey"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2016:
Lent sacrifice can be the pits,
so White Castle spins it some ritz--
Shrimp Nibblers, from trusted place!
Taste not sin, just in case,
Lent has you missing the shits!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2016:
When you think pot pie, you think chicken pot pie, right?

Beef pot pies are available but… Never felt the urge. The very idea of a pot pie seems to cry out, "chicken"!

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that, when someone tries a new meat or meat dish, they never say, "tastes like…beef"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2016:
Now, doings that, retro, explore…
Take 'Twenties? Miss boat on the Roar!
Whole world's now "no smoke" zone;
folks can't put down smartphones…
Lame! Really, folks, need I say more?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2016:
The traditional assumption has been that most people, as young adults, have politically "liberal" views--optimistic, seeking to change the world, etc. But as they age, most become more and more practical, "me first"--or "conservative."

We at Daily Limerick have notice more and more people going in the opposite direction--from "conservative" to "liberal"--as they age.

Pontificating this trend, one might reason that… Oh, hell. Oxford's always making a big whoop-de-doo about new words it adds to the dictionary each year, but isn't it time they started STRIKING words from the dictionary that have becoming meaningless, starting with, oh, say, "conservative" and "liberal"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2016:
New "black" Frankenstein in compliance
to GOP--with new defiance
of facts that get in their way!
Ben Carson marks new day--
"doctor" who shuns pesky science!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2016:
So is this now written into the GOP platform--just handing Presidential elections to the Democrats?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2016:
A lawyer whose sex life flunked litmus,
did cross exam man in prime fitness!
Something deep in Madge stirred!
Perhaps didn't badger,
but sure as hell beavered the witness!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2016:
You hear a lot of hubbub these days about political candidates who are "not politicians"--meant as a good thing.

You know, so they can get elected and, by definition, BECOME politicians…

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2016:
With rehab ads, late night TV,
there's one I'm afraid we'll soon see…
First, shill's their rehab as great,
then will throw in, "But wait--
ACT NOW, second rehab's FREE!"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2016:
With all the dissatisfaction with who's likely shaking out as the major party candidates, kinda hoping that all hell will break loose at the conventions… Could it even turn conventions back into something meaningful again, rather than the infomercials they are now?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2016:
To climate change, Francis tips hat! But, then,
on Darwin, GOP rides backward trend!
Gee, never thought, day I'd see,
when, on science, GOP's,
more out of step than the Vatican!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2016:
So Obama's unveiling a "Drone Playbook"?

Are "Fantasy Drone Leagues" far behind?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2016:
My hat's off to you, online dating!
Still new, but with 'nuff trials for rating--
bring prospects more shaky
while somehow more flaky
and cruel than traditional mating!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2016:
From an apartment complex shill--

"Your Apartment is Waiting--No Guarantee You'll Spend Much Time There."

This would seem to be as good as any shill, trumpeting the amenities for "active lifestyles" and such.

Except that, considering this one's for a complex for seniors… Well, might wanna rethink that wording...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2016:
"New Coke's" wash brought "Classic Coke" schlock!
To "classic" tag, shill hacks did flock!
Bought Heath bars festooned with tag!
Candy? No, "Classic Bag"!?
(Sounds like'd go with, "Classic Rock"!)

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2016:
Made meatloaf the other day, which led to a revelation.

Felt a little funny in the tummy after eating it. Wasn't sure why, so did an inventory of sorts. "Use by" dates were fine on all ingredients and all were from stores/brands I can trust. Wasn't just a fluke attributable to other factors, either, since the same effects were realized when reheated for future meals.

But it just hit me--meatloaf is one of the few things I'll actually use ketchup on.

Being a Chicagoan, and from the sausage-loving stocks of German and Polish, could I actually be allergic to the most useless of all condiments?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2016:
As Trump nears nom'nation on spat storm,
I must ask, is this now these cats' norm?
Hand Pres'dent to Democrats?
It just seems to me that's
now part of GOP platform!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2016:
Is it just us, or is this whole Facebook system of "pages" for bands, performers, etc., just…well, lame?

(P.S., while we're on the subject of Facebook and selfie media, a reminder to someone, ANYONE to please invent something to send Facebook the way of MySpace. It's high time.)

Does anybody ever actually visit a "page"? Doesn't this scheme make it likely that entities, with more typical "friends" or "followers" than individuals, will get less traffic? Which is, we think, contrary to what's intended, or should be intended?

Of course, not that anybody visits "pages," or "profiles," or whatever the hell the lingo calls 'em, too busy posting selfies and occasionally hitting "like" or somebody else's post to make themself appear "social"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2016:
There's chick style, hot these days, I see, fond be!
Of color, but lacks term--should we don ye?
Not nat'ral, but perks
up those for whom works--
so I offer world this one--"eblondey"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2016:
…Yet another thing wrong with online dating (Chief Limericist here)--

Okay, did a speed dating thing recently. Yeah, yeah, doing all sorts of things lately I swore I'd never do… Anyway, one thing I noticed, at least with one speed date, was chemistry. Which, despite profile info, pics, "algorithms" and the like, simply cannot be judged online.

Of course, considering my hideously checkered romantic past, perhaps a computer does somehow beat my assessments of chemistry, but then again, I'm a putz…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2016:
A girlie went in for a waxing
and found the pain to be so taxing,
she kicked and she screamed;
with wax stick was reamed!
To this day, farts wax when relaxing!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2016:
"Private Jet Charters"? "Luxury Yacht Rentals"?

At least we're portraying ourselves as successful gentlemen…to the Spam Meisters…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2016:
Both front runners shine…ho-hum grey.
But could this be a hopeful ray--
conventions turn hot;
have meaning and not
infomercials they're, modern day?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2016:
We've complained enough about Daylight Savings Time over the years, so we don't want to continue beating the same array of dead horses.

Then again, it's hard for us to let this continue year after year without saying SOMETHING to indicate our extreme displeasure with it.

So, we'll leave it at… Why, why, WHY?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2016:
Obama's revealed, for drones flown,
a "playbook"? From folks' type I've known,
would not be surprised
if we see the rise
of leagues playing "Fantasy Drones"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2016:
We've come up with a reason as to why Donald Trump winning the Republican nomination would be a GOOD thing.

Once a major party presidential candidate hideously, horribly loses an election, in fact handing it to the competitor, that loser is finally out of the mix for future primaries and elections.

So give it to Trump, folks and, next time around, he'll be lucky to be taken as seriously as Ben Carson...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2016:
Hot candidates now, for, folks wishin'?
The "non-pol" on a "non-pol" mission!
But once they start running,
fundraising, spin gunning,
they then become…well, politicians!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2016:
In our politically correct, "enlightened" age, there IS still a form of discrimination that's rampant, accepted and, in fact, encouraged.

Media kid gloves assume everybody just can't wait for spring and summer.

This is inconsiderate toward those who aren't ready to put the kibosh on winter activities, like hanging by the fireplace or ice skating. Likewise toward those who aren't in a hurry to experience being caught in cold rain rather than easier to tolerate snow, or to have our sinuses go nuts. As but a few examples.

You know what this is? We'll tell you what this is--it's "season-ism," pure and simple…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2016:
From moment that I break crust, stick in
fork, pot pies I find pure bowl lickin'
good! But wonder why
they've beef ones. Ain't tried!
A pot pie's just gotta be chicken! 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2016:
Whenever I'm feeling under the weather, I eat chicken. Ideally, chicken soup, and of the homemade variety, but the nature of getting sick generally means I don't feel like hitting the grocery store. So I'll make a point to eat some form of chicken--those frozen Kievs, chicken pot pie, etc.

I've read that there's actual scientific validity behind chicken soup's cold/flu healing effects. Something about the hot, steamy broth and sinuses, I believe.

I'm unaware of any such benefits of chicken itself. But it seems to work. Maybe. Perhaps. Well, I eat chicken when feeling sick, anyway...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2016:
So, luxury yachts? Private jets?
Ain't buyin', but you can sure bet
impressive I am
to the world of spam
which thinks I'm 'mong high success set!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2016:
Long said, youth does "liberal" scene thing,
but age brings "conservative" leaning.
Now, many I've known,
from "right" to "left" grown…
Which means these terms have lost all meaning!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2016:
So the State of Colorado, having legalized marijuana, is facing a deluge of tourists hitting hospitals to deal with bad marijuana trips.

"Trips? From marijuana?" you may ask.

See, it is nonetheless still illegal in Colorado to smoke anything in public or in hotel rooms. So rather than smoking marijuana, and experiencing the drug as a mild relaxant, tourists are eating pot brownies and the like, instead receiving a lengthy, time-release trip on the drug.

Not really sure what we can add here.

Put that in your pipe and…whatever you do, don't smoke it?...

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LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/18/2016:
> Thank You for Offering LGBT Support on DailyLimerick.net

> Hello.

> I came across this page of your site…

Now this is a letter referencing a DL edition from May 2013. Better late than… Well, there's more.

The edition in question mentioned the NBA's Jason Collins coming out of the closet. This letter gives kudos for mentioning that. Before naming a bunch of resources--mental health, addiction, etc.--for the LGBT community and… Yes, quickly steering out of our realm.

We take letters where/when we can get 'em. And in this case, it's legitimately addressing DL content.

So there.

At least we're not printing spam and junk mail…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2016:
The Birds and Bees spiel, all've been fed,
but here's part that's mostly unsaid--
though love weakens knees,
they're just birds and bees
which sting and shit on top your head!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2016:
So Bernie Sanders, in Phoenix, has told Sheriff Arpaio to, "Watch out, Joe!"

What the hell? The way this election's shaping up, why NOT go back to political duels--High Noon or otherwise?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2016:
Here's best I can make, case for Trump--
gets nom, straight to Pres. win Dems jump…
Then, future elections,
that walking erection's
at best, in with Ben Carson lumped!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy First Day off Spring 2016!...

Okay, that's actually Happy Extra Cheezy First Half-Hour of Spring 2016, considering it officially begins at 11:30 p.m. CDT, but nonetheless today's the day...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2016:
World seeks to embrace rainbow prism!
Yet weather reports bring one schism--
assume none can wait
for spring's sinus bait!
You know what this is? Season-ism!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2016:
We THINK we believe in the possibility of Love at First Sight here at Daily Limerick.

But there can't possibly be such a thing as Love at First Swipe...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2016:
Colorado legalized pot;
'mong tourists, ER trip's now hot!?
Says secondhand science,
"Can't smoke!" So not tryin'
mild buzz--eat and trip out whole lot!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2016:
We're reminded of those Jews the Nazis forced into working as prison guards…whenever we see one of the rare remaining human CVS workers.

Oh, you have a job now…but you're next!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2016:
Cooked meatloaf! Made sure not to mess up
ingredients! Later, did retch up!
Use mustard a whole lot,
as Chi-Town Kraut-Polack,
so blame most foul condiment, ketchup!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2016:
As referenced in today's Limerick, I recently targeted that most foul and useless of condiments, ketchup, as the cause of stomach upset.

I generally avoid the noxious red goop, but I made meatloaf--one of those rare meals that actually calls for ketchup.

It started me to thinking, though… Does meatloaf REALLY call for the condiment, or was I falling for a ruse put forth by Big Ketchup?

The answer--A1 Sauce. For meatloaf or, really, anything that might otherwise call for the ketchup.

So regarding my ketchup leftover from the meatloaf tragedy… How do I dispose of it? Burn it? Take it to a hazardous waste dump?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2016:
At Sheriff Joe, Sanders lost cool;
Arpaio threw fire some more fuel…
I'm starting to swoon!
Divide's at High Noon,
so bring back political duels!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2016:
…Speaking of CVS, we no longer believe they stopped carrying tobacco for the PC Points.

Oh, they gladly revel in the Points. But they undoubtedly reached the original decision because it's another product that still requires human clerks to check ID…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2016:
This love--of the "at first sight" type?
As sap, guess I can buy the hype…
Rare--and will go 'way!
For, tweaked, modern day?
No way in hell, "Love at First…Swipe"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2016:
Parents in the U.S. State of Georgia are miffed that their children are being taught a religion called "yoga."

Which explains a lot about the physical state of many Southern residents. Naturally, they're leery of these exotic religions invading their schools, especially the twin cults of "diet" and "exercise"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2016:
A kinky man, caught in a storm, swerved
his path into a girlies' dorm, wher'
a yoga class unwound!
So he jumped in, pants down,
and got his cock caught in leg warmers!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2016:
To any celebrity Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers…or occasional readers…or, hell, these days, any "celebrity" Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers/readers… Please consider NOT writing a memoir… It'd be nice and refreshing to see that happen…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2016:
Ham, candy, eggs--so much to nosh! Yah!
The Easter Feast knows no kibosh! Fa!
Mainline choc'late rabbits!
But best thing? Dagnabbit--
dream all year of Easter Kielbasa!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2016:
Live CVS clerks do perplex!
Like those Jews the Nazis did hex
with job to gas other Jews--
got job now, that's good news,
but you know damned well, you're next!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2016:
In Georgia schools, yoga? Don't try it!
Parents dub "religion"--can't ply it!
Bods down there reflect
this fear of strange sects--
namely, "exercise" and the "diet"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2016:
Shouldn't they just change the name to "Dancing with Some Folks Whose Names Might Sorta Kinda Ring a Bell"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2016:
Sick? Eat chicken soup! Few ain't heard!
And science backs--ain't myth absurd!
Though hot broth's what does it,
from pot pies to nuggets,
when I'm sick, for meals, bird's the word!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2016:
The Walmart near me in Chicago, toward which Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noted my love-hate relationship, constantly plays country music while being staffed overwhelmingly by blacks.

There's gotta be some sort of "melting pot" or "only in America" metaphor here. I'm just afraid to ponder too much on exactly what it would be…

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DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2016:
First thought CVS sought the perks
of P.C. Cult Darling, when jerked,
from its sales wares, smokes.
But age checks need folks…
Was to lose more pesky live clerks! 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2016:
Whether or not Hillary Clinton debates Bernie Sanders again depends, according to Hil, on Sanders' "tone."

Have a funny feeling that, unless something radical happens in the polls, Sanders is, er, hopelessly "off-key" on this one?...