Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: May 2016
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2016:
Since Prince died, all 'round farewell kiss we see--
Prince covers to honor man's history!
With most not quite household names…
"Honoring" Prince's name--
or just a shot at publicity?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy May Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2016:
The budget that Fuhrer Rahm plies
for Lucas Museum's quite sly--
feat of creativity!
Much like how George can be
with def'nition of SCI-fi!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2016:
So we're seeing these car commercials citing features such as "automated braking" and… We're all for safety and such, but before we blindly accept the inevitable "drive itself car," a little reminder in order.

I, Chief Limericist, had a GPS device try to drive me into a concrete wall once…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2016:
Since '14, the Chinese have test-
ed restaurant robots! 'Sbeen mess!
But they just keep adding more!
Dine out there, 'slike in store
we have here called CVS!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2016:
Read an informative article with tips for upcoming spring/summer street festivals, which advised folks to buy…disposable cameras? So as not to run down phone batteries?

With albums and ever freakin' cassette tapes coming back, not to mention needless wristwatches… Will we be seeing abacus zombies walking sidewalks soon?... That hipster facial hair giving way to a full-on Amish style?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2016:
Quesalupa ad lets us see
example from Land of the Free--
shills famed actor, Asian,
faux Mex'can. Only in
America…unfort'nately. 

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2016:
This being Cuatro de Mayo, I feel almost obligated to write about Mexican cuisine for the ol' Wednesday "Food"-themed edition.

Problem is, we've already did a multi-part exploration of ethnic foods and declared Mexican the tops overall. And I thought about mentioning a specific dish less prominently known, but it occurs to me that, in most U.S. restaurants, Mexican or not, Mexicans and Mexican-Americans are the cooks. Hell, I'll call 'em chefs.

Considering that, while some eateries are of course better than others, I've had very few negative restaurant experiences, chefs of Mexican ancestry are able to whip up great dishes of any ethnicity.

Mexicans are America's chefs!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2016:
Es Cinco de Mayo! Poquito
fiesta? No--mas grande, hijos
y hijas! Por ti?
No se. Parte mi?
Comer mas tacos y burritos!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Cinco de Mayo!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2016:
"Is There Cure for Aging?"--spam's plying
to folks, open wallet, mass buying!
The "wellness" addicted,
crave immortal trick bid!
There's real "cure" for aging--called "dying"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2016:
If you manage to relate slightly different ways of delineating your address to utilities and other entities you receive mail from, you can, er, play "Who's Shilling Ya'?" (In this case, as in shilling my data, etc., to a mailing list.)

First of all, some utilities list my address differently (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) Some dub my unit "South," some dub it "I." The unit also comes with a number, but some of these entities forego it and it's a small enough building the mail arrives fine. Thus I end up with all sorts of variations on how my address is listed.

So here's an example of how this works--

I have a type of package that arrives fairly regularly, once or twice a month. Somehow, the shipper ended up dubbing my unit with an "N," for North, although it's in reality South, or "S."

Received a credit card shill the other day dubbing my unit "N."

Thus, I was able to learn… Who Shilled Me?!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2016:
Burl's new ethnic girl had him floating!
'Round town, her on arm, was showboating!
Worked up pow'ful thirst when
licked each inch of her skin
to make sure was not choc'late coating!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2016:
With the way things are shaking out with the Internet and the courts, copyright is becoming "copywrong"...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2016:
All mothers--fine Mom's Day to you!
For YOUR mom, please make big Whoo-Hoo!
Lost mine near four years, know, get
better, not over it…
(Guessing you never quite do.)

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Mother's Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2016:
New adds to the "social" site souse?
Like's of Cliq, with goal they espouse,
to help people find…friends?
Add e-bar-hop to trend
and we can now never leave house!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2016:
We now have a hashtag, by the way.

#DailyLimerick

Whoop-dee-doo…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2016:
Near future, self-driving car calls!
Already self-brake, -park! I stall
my cheers. Though "progress,"
once had GPS
try driving me into a wall!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2016:
Euphemism Alert--

We've seen the term "reimagining" as a euphemism for originality-avoiding Hollywood and its remakes.

But just the other day came the first instance where we saw a legitimate news publication take the bait.

Sorry, we're just victims deserving your pity, as euphemism- and politically correct-averse-Americans…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2016:
Hashtag this, hashtag that! Good grief!
New Free Speech dress code? Only briefs!
"Expression's" misleading--
all posting, few reading!
If you must, tag my hash corned beef!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2016:
In one of my regular grocer's aisles, been eyeing these "no bake" peanut butter cookies for a while because, well, they look good. So I grab some the other day.

My review?

Okay and all, but seem a little chalky as if…well, they should be freakin' BAKED...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2016:
Read "Festival Tips"--one a bomb dished!
Disposable cams? Retro-glommed kitsch?
With watches hot (unneeded);
album sales, too, heated…
Why not make style full-on Amish?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

Went to the office of my local Chicago mayor's puppet…er, alderman, for the purpose of obtaining temporary guest zone parking permits, to find they don't accept payment by…cash?

Oh, and get this--it's a new policy!

With governments everywhere broke as hell, wouldn't you think they'd accept any and all forms of payment? Hell, they should be considering freakin' barter at this point!

Beggars can't be choosers…unless they're government…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2016:
This junk mail that far short of thrills ya'?
Here's way to learn source of each ill--ya'
list mailing address
with diffs each time lest
with new junk mail, can play "Who Shilled Ya'"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2016:
A buxom philanthropist 'llowed men
no access to her flow'r pre-vows! When,
once, petting got heated,
could say the guy seeded,
quite generously her "endowment"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2016:
Just a few questions/concerns on this "Young Adult" literature that's all the rage.

Since literature has historically avoided the dumbing down for the easily offended of mass media, is this a way to help keep literature in line, rather than remaining a rare source of intelligent discourse historically available to, and even encouraged for, kids?

Is it part of a Final Solution to relegate literature, once and for all, as a Kids' Thing?

Guess what we're shooting for here is more BLA Literature--Barely Legal Adult Literature… 

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2016:
Will 'Net's Robber Baron King Kongs
sing copyright Fat Lady's song?
If writers can't get paid,
to Dark Ages, we'll fade…
Law not copyright--copyWRONG!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2016:
An event called BookCon just hit Chicago, much ballyhooed as new to the city this year, having been previously held in New York.

About half of the featured guests are podcasters, comedians, actors, etc.

Of the actual authors featured, most are other celebrity types first--comedians, "celebrity chefs," etc., who just happen to have also written books.

Guess it'd be silly to invite any bonafide literary authors at such an event.

Can't say its engaging in false advertising, though. The name's especially appropriate.

Sure as hell's a "Con" about "Books"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2016:
Remake "re-imagine"? This grates!
But a legit news source took bait!
Sign here--journalism
reports euphemism!
Dead as H-Wood's creative plate!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2016:
Read a headline about two men being shot 1.5 miles from each other in a bad neighborhood.

Which would unfortunately seem normal these days, except that it was in the neighborhood of Compton.

Who the hell does Los Angeles think it is--Chicago?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2016:
With government budgets all trashed,
cuts left, right, measures taken rash,
you'd think my damn alderman'd
take dough wherever can…
Bastard's new rule? Won't take CASH?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2016:
We guess we prefer our dinner breaded and fried, seein' as it's time to eat a little crow.

Throughout the start of this unfortunately sprawling Election Season, we didn't even chime in. Too early, everything seemed like a normal season, etc.

Early on, it did seem that Trump's talk of a presidential run was slightly more serious than usual. And that he was taken slightly more seriously than usual. But we all just told everyone who'd listen, "This is normal. He probably won't even actually run."

Then it seemed like he MIGHT actually run and started to get some backing. We kept up the same blather--"If he DOES run, he'll be eliminated from contention early on."

Then he started winning primaries, even becoming an early front-runner as the other GOP candidates looked more and more lame. We finally acknowledged that he'd likely win the nomination, but still asserted that the GOP would either do some delegate finagling or something to avoid Trump as candidate or they'd just hand the election to the Democrats.

Now?

As we're tossing on the bibs to down this crow, we're admitting that Donald Trump actually may be our next president.

Perpetually seeking the bright side, perhaps this is what we need. A circus, "reality" TV presidency to finally wake up the electorate.

It's either that or… This crow's making us sick to our stomachs…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2016:
'Spite Food Network "stars" and effects of them,
eat out, ethnic/region you flex your yen,
U.S., chances are,
one type's real "Food Star"--
America's chefs are all Mexican!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2016:
So Olive Garden now has this entrée with an Italian-ish name its dubbing as "Italian quesadillas."

A white-bread American chain inventing "ethnic" dishes?

Who does Olive Garden think they are--Taco Bell?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2016:
So, one more birthday has arrived!
Sure--cake, friends, gifts and all that jive…
But 'mid checkered past,
'd'Not think this long last!
Best gift's mere fact I'm still alive!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Chief Limericist's Birthday!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2016:
Ms. Rowling done started a cult--
o'er "Young Adult Lit" they exult!
Though hot, I ain't biting!
In fact, what I'm writing,
is more "Barely Legal Adult"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2016:
To capitalize on the hip, we're gonna add a tag to put a shine on what we do--

We're not writing just Limericks here at Daily Limerick… These are CRAFT Limericks!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2016:
Short Kell' was so small, when Doc Jacques stirred
up her hormones, 'nuff he could cock her,
lay down for cowgirl,
raised legs, gave a twirl…
And from that point, was a "spin doctor"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2016:
Chief Limericist, here.

So, have to organize a move of items from the just-sold family home into my Chicago joint. So went online to get estimates from moving companies. Had a cut-and-paste description of what I needed done, with all my contact info, reading to go.

The sites instead have me fill out online forms with pull-down windows. Then, after that song and dance…they'll call for more information "soon." In other words, at their convenience.

So rather than going online to eliminate the pain of organizing via phone, you have to do Internet AND phone.

Can someone explain to me just how the Internet makes things more convenient?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2016:
You'd think this "BookCon'd" focus on
things of which true lit folks are fond!
Talks by "stars" of Web…
Reads? Books by celebs…
It's well named, though--sure a "BookCON"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2016:
First, we became a divided nation. Red State vs. Blue State, Us vs. Them.

Judging by each major party's lack of agreement on candidates… Now we can't even find unity in bitter partisanship?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2016:
With beer drinkers using this hip trick,
as pompous and wannabe prim pricks,
over getting buzzed,
like everyone does,
I now claim that I write "Craft Lim'ricks"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2016:
So now Sanders supporters purportedly threw chairs at Clinton folk.

While on the GOP side… Well, Trump.

We think the rest of this election's debates should be moderated by Jerry Springer…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2016:
For mover quotes, to online scene, went;
paste-prepped, but no--to pull-down screens, sent!
With whole quick plan stalled,
last step? Wait--they'll…CALL?
Just how's 'Net make life more convenient?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2016:
From now on, it's only news when someone in any way affiliated with the Kardashian Klan does NOT have a sex tape…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2016:
For long time, at grocer, foresaked 'em--
"no bake" PB cookies. Partaked some,
at long last, one day!
Good, yet I must say,
they'd taste better if they'd have baked 'em!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2016:
Every time I open a can, any kind of food can, of anything, she comes running, thinking it's for her.

Pavlov's Cat, you could say...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2016:
Love fried bird, but this goes to show,
don't all taste like chicken! Trump's show
wrote-off as joke since start! He's
now somehow nominee?
So I'm stuck now, eating crow!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2016:
You've all of course heard of "catfishing."

So, when you're doing the online dating grind and end up with someone who's heftier than their pics would indicate, guess you're a victim of "fat-fishing"...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2016:
Our two-party system's design's
brought bitter division! New sign?
Election, two-sided,
'mong parties! Divided
now even 'mid partisan lines!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2016:
Another victory is the War for Equality of the Sexes--

Seeing more and more women walking around with Plumber's Butt…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2016:
Girls' beach day, the ladies got jaked,
so, sunbathing, suits did forsake!
Was steamy, clear day,
so sun's sizzling rays
made the event into "clam-bake"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2016:
Read a news story about 15 children in China who, in order to get to school, must climb a cliff more than 2,500 feet high.

Oh, are their children and grandchildren gonna get sick of hearing about THAT..

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2016:
With Sanders folk turning chair flingers
at Clintonites, and, well, Trump, thing here's,
such a joke have made we,
that all debates should be
moderated by Jerry Springer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2016:
The leader of a Pakistani Islamic council is floating legislation to allow husbands to "lightly beat" their wives.

Don't you hope a Pakistani women's group rises up and "lightly kills" this guy?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2016:
NEW Kardash'yan sex vid--no jape!
No need guess if carpet match drapes!
Klan's fam'ly tradition!
Ain't "news" 'til you're dishin'
word one DOES NOT have a sex tape!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2016:
You've all heard, 'course, 'bout being "catfished";
but there's 'nother danger, on that, twist--
meet one you right-swiped;
bod don't match the hype…
In this case, my friend, you've been "fat-fished"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2016:
So Donald Trump, stumping in California, says there is no drought there.

It's starting…and there's only We The People to blame.

No drought now or in the foreseeable future...for humorists…