Daily Limerick
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(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: November 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2016:
"National" tag for month day's leading's,
"Novel Writing." Boy, sure ain't needing!
There's self-published hack glut!
Urgent need's, tell you what,
a month for Goddamned novel READING!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2016:
So one of Apple iOS' instances of attempted "helpfulness" is pointing out, with the Mail program, "events" listed within received e-mail.

As best we can tell, this is to help the spamsters out but either tricking you into clicking to "add" such "events" to your Calendar or increasing the chances that you'll accidentally do so.

Daily Limerick has an e-mail List. We don't advertise this option, but some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers prefer to receive our content that way. For this List, we "cc" ourselves and… Well, noticed that iOS sometimes, but not always, trumpets an "event" within our e-mail.

Curious as to what "event" we've essentially invited ourselves to, we clicked to "add" this "event" one day.

And we were "on" for…"coffee"? With ourselves, it seems. At noon, for what it's worth.

So folks are talking to the things, letting them control everything up to bed times via "Health" crap, roping their smart appliances into the Grid via "Home" applications…and now trying to take over planning our, er, "social" events.

And yet, somehow, we're just paranoid fuddy-duddies for fearing all this Everything on the Grid crap…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2016:
Certain team, World Series afloat?
Fallout shelter--or build big boat?
When I went on date,
stumbled to tempt Fate--
was accident that I ate goat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2016:
Same thing every year around this time with the leftovers… Candy sandwiches, candy omelettes, candy casserole...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2016:
Celebs--feel pull in bad direction
t'ward misdeeds of cash, fame, erection?
NOW let scandals flare,
'cause no one will care
if it's not about this Election!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2016:
Read a nauseatingly politically correct essay last weekend--sure sign it was P.C. was its use of the term "so called political correctness"--about non-offensive Halloween costumes.

It did relate some tips that were hard to argue, if properly filled under "Duh!"

But most interesting was the writer's closing statement, urging that his tips be taken seriously so Halloween could be "fun for everyone."

In case you find yourself unsure as to whether the dangerous, insidious trend of Political Correctness has indeed begun a return, think of that phrase, and the stereotypical, scolding schoolteacher tone it summons...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2016:
Caught old horror flick called, "Black Friday"!
So scary, 'neath blanket did hide 'way!
But, though it was scary,
it seems Christmas merry
next to title's now Shop or Die Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2016:
So, the Cubs… Wow.

Not really sure what else we can say. The team's history's out there. Our take on all of it, up until Wednesday, is out there.

The only other time we were at such loss for commentary was September 11, 2001.

Of course, this is a "good" loss for words, compared to the earlier one but… We got nuttin', and we're stickin' to it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2016:
Lass met a candy-bearing gent! Her
judgment lapsed; his home, she did enter!
On sugar, got so hopped-
up--went for the "Blow Pop"
(which had non-gum "prize" at its center)!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2016:
Speaking of political correctness, you've probably noticed that a lot of its focus amid this 1990s retro sequel is on sexual assault, whether verbal or physical.

We're naturally full-on against assault. Even when it concerns words--if those words are directed against someone, as in catcalling and such.

But these Word Police are also cautioning of joking around and what's called "locker room talk," maintaining that stuff LEADS to real assault.

Stop and think, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. You've heard this sketchy reasoning before. Previously bashed by the "liberal" folks and tossed out by the "conservative" ones, now returning via the opposite equation.

Give up? Here's a hint, then, through paraphrasing within the new P.C. Cult--

These folks are really arguing that this language is "gateway assault"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2016:
He wins? Clear the public did choose! Er,
a loss? Hil just pulled vote scam doozer?
Trump Tent's dogma view's
really nothing new--
the technical term is "sore losers"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy End of Daylight Savings Time!...

What? You gain an hour, don't you?... Sorta?... Aw, celebrate anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2016:
The Cubs win World Series in seven!
Cubs fans find, on Earth, Cubs Fan Heaven!
I'd comment, but thoughts blurred!
Ain't felt such loss for words
since Dark Day, September 11!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2016:
'Twas the night 'fore Election, and all through the house, even fam'ly divided--with partisan mouse… Hmm.

Undoubtedly a great idea for a sendup here.

But, like everyone else, we're sick of thinkin' of it; just want it the hell over with...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2016:
Today ends election tumult!
A winner, one side will exult!
Can't say who'll be picked,
but I can predict…
Won't be happy with the result!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2016:
So… Sorry. Tapped out with Election material. And you don't wanna hear about anything else today…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2016:
Though Holiday's over, it rolls
on in form of Leftover Dole!
Big ones, yet, ain't seen,
but post-Halloween--
candy sandwiches, casseroles…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2016:
Here's a lesson I shouldn't have learned the hard way.

Have mused here before about how low-cost, super-grocers, in my neighborhood's case Walmart, can offer such great deals.

Shoddy merchandise and/or snatching things up REAL close to expiration dates and such.

So when I bought these heat-and-eat breadsticks from a rack emblazoned with signs proclaiming, "Reduced"… Well.

Reduced squared, really.

And, boy… Low, low price--but you pay, one way or another. Oh, how you pay…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2016:
iOS invited me--don't kid--
to own event, didn't plan…it did?
DL's e-list, self cc,
picked from there date, coffee?
But I'M the crackpot to fear The Grid?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2016:
Our TV grid brought us news of an hour-long sports highlight show on… The New York City Marathon?

Highlights of that most exciting of sports?

"Here's some people running!" "Here's some other people running!" "Here's footage of people running with What's-His-Face in the lead!" "Wait! Here's some footage of people, er, running…but What's-His-NAME is in the lead here!"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2016:
Though, sadly, still need strive to halt
harassment, DV, wage-gap fault,
I'm scared the PC
Word Cops soon may be
dubbing guy talk, "gateway assault"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2016:
All but the most ignorant heed the age-old advice of not seeing the world in "black and white."

The problem in our age is the masses seeing the world in "left and right"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2016:
An island girl danced in grass skirt,
arms-in-air, to grind down in dirt!
She danced with such sass,
soon snake in the grass
made way through the blades to come flirt!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2016:
Somebody needs to start making "craft porn"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2016:
TV grid, "Highlights," hour, from done thing--
New York Marathon? Oh, such fun things!
Here's dude running! Then here's where
CHICK'S running! Er, then there's,
um, well…a bunch of folks running?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2016:
Paraphrasing here, but caught a bus shelter ad reading something like, "Those Online Drugs You Order May Contain Antifreeze."

It doesn't answer the question, however, of, considering how the industry has paid off both major political parties, rendering the drug approval process a bit sketchy, whether or not antifreeze is any worse that the top dollar stuff direct from Big Pharma…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2016:
Mantra's that it just isn't right
to see the world in Black and White--
Divide-Conquer Age,
fight Oppression's rage
and see not world in Left and Right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2016:
Protesting President Donald Trump… ALREADY?

Just had a huge shot at exercising that expression--you know, a little thing called The Election?

While we didn't officially endorse any candidates this election seasons, our opinions on Trump were clear. In short, ain't expecting an "America Great Again," whatever the hell that means beyond a catchphrase. But that's neither here, there nor across the room.

Anyway, protesting's all fine and good, but may wait until, you know, he does something? Officially? At least BECOMES President, in January.

Isn't this kinda like a "stop and frisk"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2016:
To quell modern age's duress,
some use…meditation app? Guess
from always-on-Grid, they find
the best way to unwind's…
Through major source of the stress?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2016:
If any nation should be considering building a wall right now, we'd figure Canada would make the most sense…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2016:
Super grocers, to sell cheap fare,
court "sell by" dates as if on dare!
At Walmart, I bought "reduced,"
but paid, too--through caboose!
Really, though, bought "reduced squared"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2016:
Pondering the word, and concept behind, what is commonly referred to as "leftovers."

The original intent of the word implied accident. Food was made to feed a family but, after everyone had their fill, some was, well left over. Perhaps, seeking to make sure everyone was full, the intent was to shoot to make a little more food than the family would normally eat, but the ultimate goal was really making just enough.

In my case, as a bachelor chef, when I go out of my way for a culinary production, I'm sure as hell not shooting to feed my family (meaning just me) once--I'm purposefully cooking enough food to make meals for many nights. So the results, after the first night's meal, aren't happenstance "left overs."

So perhaps a better term is in order here. "Meant-overs"? Or, from a childhood game in which an appointed player was purposefully asked over… "Red Rovers"?

All I know is that I'm ALWAYS eatin' freakin' leftovers, which may tell a deeper truth…literally and/or metaphorically...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2016:
This fad of "craft" booze, now well worn--
get drunk, but with "culture" adorn!
It's rather annoying
and, yet, has me toying…
Idea for, perhaps… Craft porn?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2016:
Despite all the turmoil here, the United States is still keeping its spot at the forefront of technological development!

We've taken the first steps toward unveiling a Time Machine!

Okay, so it only goes in reverse for now, but, still...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2016:
Election results sure did whisk
in round of Trump protests quite brisk!
But, though sure disaster's bet,
guy has done nothin' yet--
ain't this bit like "stop and frisk"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2016:
We're perpetually trying to get a handle on what the constantly changing labels of "conservatism," "liberalism," "right" and "left" mean, politically. So pardon us as we muse on this, in light of recent events.

So Republicans, or "conservatives," or those on "the right" are staunchly opposed to government intervention or any form of Big Government… except when it concerns a woman's right to control her reproduction… or people's Freedom of Religion in certain circumstances… or the people's right to assemble for certain causes… or, well, really, they just want a different type of Big Government…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2016:
Dude's Thanksgiving dinner, he slammed!
Forewent the cranberries and yams,
pulled bird's drumsticks wide,
then self-pumpkin pied
and thoroughly candied her gams!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2016:
Dirty Zen--

Buggering the beaver…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2016:
Though doubt we'll see fruit from this plan for a
south border wall, do understand that the
Hollywood elites threats call
for someone to build wall--
it'd make most sense to be Canada!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2016:
Attending a theater show recently--Chief Limericist checking in, here--at which I was the only white person.

One of those shows encouraging crowd interaction, which drew in some quips on matters of the day.

Not one comment about Trump. Er, President Trump, I guess we should get used to saying.

Again, we're no fans of the guy here. In fact, we're predicting a rather disastrous four years ahead, or (gulp) more. And, if your closed political circles don't include guilty white liberals, you may not have noticed how that group can't shut up about the Trumpian ruin we face.

Perhaps black folks are so used to bullshit, and have survived so many administrations (and society itself) doling out that bullshit, that it doesn't seem as big a deal.

I have no problem being the only face of my color in the crowd. Every black person I've known has experienced the same many times. Not used to it, but any negative shine on that was eclipsed by the warm feeling of being out and not hearing about the freakin' election for a couple hours…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2016:
Campaign urges, "'Ware the low fees--
online meds could have ANTI-FREEZE!"
But's risk from online pills
worse than Big Pharma's shills--
with FDA bought-off, on knees?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2016:
Donald Trump being elected the next President of the United States knocked us all for a loop.

Not even commenting on the guy. Or his opponent, the election--none of that.

Just the shock.

Even many of his supporters were shocked.

So shocked, in fact, that reality itself seems to have changed.

Now we've pondered for years and years the fate of the Chicago Cubs here. Not big baseball fans, in fact as Chicagoans on the White Sox side of things, but not Cubs haters or prone to rooting against the Cubs. Exactly, anyway.

We strongly asserted that the Cubs would never win a World Series. That our reality couldn't support it. Living our whole lives with them as the Lovable Losers, eventually hitting the longest championship dry spell in all of professional sports… Well, need not explain that here.

We actually kinda feared a Cubs World Series win as launching some form of Judgment Day.
Well, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.

This did not spur Judgment Day.

But…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2016:
Though many lands now have a knack fer
inventions, U.S ain't no slacker!
Example of what I mean?
We've now made Time Machine!
(So far, though, only goes backward!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2016:
Not so much surprised about Rob Schneider sending out a teasing twit to irk Democrats.

A bit surprised that it's been deemed newsworthy. Or "newsworthy"… Then again, news is now "news" overall.

What is it about comics in, er, the twilight of their careers, shall we say, and the Republican Party?

Well, we're talking about Rob Schneider, so maybe THAT answers our own question?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2016:
"Leftovers"--term for food that went over
to fridge after appetites spent! Over
time used most for "made too much,"
but, bachelor cooking's such
that, for me, they're more like "meant-overs"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2016:
There are all these businesses now I see advertised offering these "fresh" at-home cooking services.

Call or go online, pick a meal, figure the ingredients, shell out and… POW! They deliver all the ingredients for said meal!

Now other than delivery and the recipe function here, which is easily accomplished these days from a lil' thing you may have heard of called "the Internet," this service rang a bell to me.

Little thing called a FREAKIN' GROCERY STORE. Chances are, you can find one nearby.

I suppose, though, that doesn't allow you to use an app. And, even worse, it forces you to leave the house, interact with actual people…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2016:
Thanksgiving Day--a day to eat!
Have preferences for my bird treat!
I like it the same
as I like my dames--
leg man, prone to taste for dark meat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Thanksgiving!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2016:
Big Government, right wing disdains!
Or at least, with catchphrase, it feigns…
Force unwanted babies,
fund wars, prisons… Maybe
just diff'rent twist on Big Gov. Bane?


***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2016:
Some Republicans, with a Congressional majority, are pondering the possibility of marshaling the forces necessary to hold a new Constitutional Convention.

Hmm.

Also in the news this week, President Elect Donald Trump called a meeting with… TV news people? Apparently, mostly to chastise them for how they've covered him and his presidential campaign.

Hmmm.

So, fiddling with the Constitution by a party whose leader has a hard time getting the First Amendment?

Looking for silver linings again… Guess Rome wasn't destroyed in a day, either…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2016:
A frisky young elf named Jamal,
did surgic'ly add jingle balls!
But each time he'd use 'em
the scene would turn gruesome--
they'd swing, herd of reindeer'd be called!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2016:
There's no shortage of beefs among Americans with President Elect Donald Trump.

We have one, however, we're not hearing much.

"Waah, wah, wah! If Hillary wins, the election must've been rigged!"

"Boo-hoo! 'Saturday Night Live's' making fun of me!"

Fuckin' crybaby…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2016:
Uniting nom? Both parties flubbed!
Trump wins! World of punditry drubbed!
Seems to me, can trace
rift in time in space
to World Series win by the Cubs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2016:
Type the term "barely legal" into an e-mail… Apple censors it--considers it spam.

Doesn't matter if you're using it in a joking manner.

Of course, Apple is not a government entity--so it's not "censorship," proper.

But, realistically, this affects a huge swath of the population. In fact, we're more tempted every day to lump Apple in with the Digital Robber Barons, Amazon and Google. Okay, at least as minor barons.

So perhaps not government censorship, per se, but at least a Militia of Political Correctness.

Lot of that goin' around these days...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2016:
With Zen, one becomes success weaver
by acting the underachiever!
I ponder, my friends,
a new Dirty Zen--
concepts like "Buggerin' the Beaver?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2016:
Decades ago, there was a fellow columnist at my college newspaper. One of those right-wing, shock pundits. I didn't always agree with him, but did think he was good at what he did.

Chief Limericist checked in, here.

Anyway, when he was accused of racist writing, as right-wing pundits often are, he'd play the "I'm No Racist--My Wife is Mexican" Card.

Recently, I've noticed that a member of my circle of family and friends, also a right-wing pundit of sorts--on selfie media, as everyone's a pundit these days… Well, he has a Mexican wife.

Hmm.

Do you think these guys go out of their way to specifically court and marry a Mexican woman?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2016:
Rob Schneider twit-hits the Dems hard!
Odd nugget--by Rob's name most jarred!
Guess now washed-up hacks
get some spotlight back
by playing "I'm Now Right-Wing" Card! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2016:
So, this Ugly Christmas Sweater Craze.

This all started when, after decades of receiving these curiosities from well meaning (if fashion challenged) older relatives, people started celebrating their ugliness with various Holiday Season events.

Now? People are going out of their way to buy the things and/or asking for them as gifts.

So the jig is up, folks. Admit actually liking these things, in all seriousness or… Well, pretty soon you'll be sporting silly facial hair and misusing the term "ironic"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2016:
Online, high-tech world opens door--
deliv'ry of all needed for
a full-on, home cooked meal!
Not quite sure what's big deal--
for ages we've had "groc'ry stores"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2016:
Read about this new product, represented by a number of brands, called a "meal replacement beverage."

Now, this isn't the same animal as a diet shake. Or even quite the same deal as a quick-meal, granola bar kinda thing.

Apparently, it's marketed, at least in part, for the very busy, entrepreneurs and such, who just find eating to be a pain in the ass, getting in the way of things.

Stop to smell the flowers? No--and, in fact, beyond ignoring them, this is about stomping them into the ground!...