Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: October 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2016:
Soon, Farmer Jed feels Harvest Swoon
with onset of the Harvest Moon!
Main toil done for year,
turns to farming rear
and bounty of the Harvest Poon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2016:
The first Clinton-Trump Presidential Debate was the most watched in U.S. history.

Aside from whether demographers prorated this stat to changing population, the Big Question here is how many watched for the reason these debates supposedly exist--to help them make a voting decision.

We're guessing the vast majority tuned in to either pray that their unflavored nominee screwed-up big time or… Well, for the same reason people watch literal and metaphorical train wrecks, "The Bachelor," "pro" wrestling…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2016:
Those protest votes? NYT dissed 'em!
As "folly," its headline dismissed 'em!
Sends message--pissed-off…but vote!
Apathy antidote!
"Folly"? How 'bout our whole system?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2016:
Political ads focused solely on the opponent's negatives have been a staple of our elections for some time.

But, unless we've missed something, this is the first time we've witnessed ads bashing the hell out of what I assume is someone's opponent…with no mention whatsoever of the candidate the ads support.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The "lesser of two evils" thing.

But since we've really reached the point where there's nothing good to be said about ANY candidates, can we at least go with the "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" school and ditch the annoyance altogether?...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2016:
Bike/distraction laws are mere pipe
dream--cops don't have time for buttwipes!
We need superhero
for--not felons feared, no--
rough-up, sidewalk bike/text-zoned types!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2016:
Doing some 'Net searching to see how DL shakes out with that, found that almost half of general searched listings for "limericks" came up under themes of "limericks for children."

This is part of the plot, with the majority of our literature, and indeed culture, now under the rubric of "young adult" to… We shudder to ponder this too much.

Limericks for children? What's next? "Porn for children"? Remove the sex scenes for… Movies with poor acting and writing, maybe throw in a talking puppet or two?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2016:
Praise oddest play'rs so, I'm near blushin'!
Odd stats, mispronounced names they're gushin'!
Must ask, they're so lame,
for tone, football game,
do they give broadcasters concussions?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2016:
There's a series of car commercials now basically saying that, as humans, we can't help getting distracted, so can't be trusted to drive a car properly, so our cars automatically compensate.

Technology? Impressive. Message? Ahem.

Can't help but wonder if this is the start of some Great Artificial Intelligence Takeover. See, we're guessin' we're among a paltry minority in feeling a mere hint of worry over this.

Cameras and the Grid everywhere? Widely accepted. In fact, the little commentary we hear about it is praise.

Orwell warned of Big Brother. Many warned of AI's dangers.

Fact is stranger than old science fiction...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2016:
You cook up big kitchen to-do,
and, before the process is through,
think, "Too much toil," and regret!
Before long, though, forget…
Meal Ordeal Cycle renews…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2016:
One of these newfangled grocers, Mariano's, just opened nearby.

Perhaps it's lax to call it a "grocer." Well, it IS a grocer, but that's just one part of the complex--has a cafeteria, winery and God knows what else.

A Walmart grocery store is already a five-minute walk away. Jewel, a Midwestern grocery chain, is a 10-minute walk. Plenty of restaurants and liquor stores nearby, too. And by "nearby" here, we mean within a block or two in most cases.

So we have no use for this Mariano's. Especially considering that it's uppity and overpriced.

The Mariano's complex is part of a larger complex that rose up to become an eyesore in the neighborhood. This includes parking, a gym and, of course, a Starbucks.

Plenty of parking garages, gyms and coffee houses nearby as well--and coffee houses that don't burn their beans, to boot. Although, like anyone with half a financial brain, we usually simply make our coffee at home or office. The task doesn't entail Julia Child.

Despite the unnecessary nature of this complex, all the businesses within are packed with customers.

We like to call a complex like this "a shepherd."

Think on that a bit, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2016:
Mike Ditka joins line of flag-baiters--
simple mind, "love or leave it" haters,
claim "patriot" bent,
but, since, on dissent
U.S. founded, closer to traitors!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2016:
A planet has been identified by astronomers, via the latest in telescopes and other such technology, that appears Earth-like and within the habitable zone--temperature-wise, etc., able to support the possibility of life.

Executives at BP are wringing their hands. Trump's plotting an atmospheric wall. And Elon Musk… Well, let's not even go there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2016:
'Net searched site, self, lim'ricks one morn
(part of "platform" quest, since 'Net born),
found slew…lims for kids?
World's YA craze 'mid--
next poor plots, no sex…"porn for kids"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2016:
It's so sad to watch children grow up, going from wide-eyed, naïve and optimistic innocents into… Well, they hit adolescence and already fall prey to the evil ways of our modern world.

Yeah, one of our nephews here at Daily Limerick reached that unfortunately seemingly necessary point in life.

He joined Facebook.

Why do they have to get every one of 'em? And why so young?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2016:
A lady, en route to a pap smear,
was dieting, but felt a lapse near!
She gobbled down sliders!
When doc probed inside her
he ended up workin' a crap smear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2016:
The wall calendar here in the Daily Limerick, um, Offices is themed on the TV series "Cosmos."

The art for this month imagines a city on Mars, this century.

This was surmised, of course, long before anyone had an inkling of the two major party candidates who'd be vying for president of the nation leading our Free World…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2016:
The first debate sent shills on roll!
With ads, compared to Super Bowl!
Agree--with truth, rings!
Quite similar things--
scarce substance for Hype Fest extolled!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2016:
So there's hubbub surrounding the casting of a big Disney actor in a movie about, er, "culinary" serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

And, just our luck, the one freakin' movie we'd LIKE to see as a musical probably won't become one...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/9/2016:
In reply to this past Thursday's Limerick, on Ditka and other "love it or leave it" pundits on Colin Kaepernick etc.,, @ToddMcVickar checks in via Twitter--

> Ditka is a true American and wants to help make America Great Again! Da Bear's!

We agree… That Ditka's a great American and great football coach.

But we don't think America needs to be "made great again." We think it is and always has been.

Now, Da Bears sure could use being "made great again"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2016:
New car ads make self-driving case--
assuming our minds off in space!
One more sci-fi warning
embracing, not mourning--
hail AI! Can't trust Human Race!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2016:
Our App Store informs us of a FEMA app.

A game, perhaps, whereby you try to muff the feds' disaster reaction as much as you can?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2016:
Debates, these, most watched, though most dreck?
Is it 'cause race is neck and neck,
so, vote, folks discerning,
of candidates learning--
or just our urge to watch train wrecks?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2016:
My, is Hillary Clinton one lucky candidate!

Doesn't have to worry about the modern election's negative campaigning.

Trump's taking care of that himself...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2016:
New complex, though I shun like leper,
'mong 'hood hipsters, couldn't be hepper!
Has uppity grocer
and, 'course, Starbucks doser…
Why, I call such complex a "shepherd"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2016:
What the world, needs now, is…cookie nuts.

Not talking about some twisted festish. I mean cookies, especially chocolate chip cookies, with nuts. Ideally, walnuts. How Grandma used to make 'em.

At least my regular grocers don't add nuts to their cookies these days. Probably because of all the allergies, just top be safe. Despite the "THESE HAVE NUTS" labeling craze and all.

Really, really missing those cookie nuts.

Damned lawyers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2016:
On mudsling pol ads, can't close door!
Age-old, but seems new trend's in store--
now see these ads bashing,
some candidate, trashing…
With no candidate that they're for?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2016:
Caught the old horror movie, "Black Friday," on Svengoolie last weekend.

Now this was before the term meant… You know. (Afraid to mention it this early, though… Losing battle.)

As with anything starting Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, delightfully scary.

But not as scary as… Well, the aforementioned "you know"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2016:
Too young, from kids, innocence took,
yanked from safety of childhood's nook!
Reality Grue's
just nabbed poor nephew--
into evil hell of Facebook!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2016:
National Novel Writing Month, November?

All things considered, more needed is National Novel READING Month...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2016:
A World Tour, from bedroom of Zeke,
from French kiss, took his girl on freak--
Kama Sutra tasks flit
bed to Taiwan Basket
with a grand finale quite Greek!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2016:
"Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results."

That there's one commonly accepted definition of "insanity."

Or a CliffsNotes version of human history…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2016:
Mike Ditka's been full of input! Falls
in with Trump--as pundit, takes root! Y'all,
Da Coach is an expert
in football and… Heck, er,
all sorts of things… I mention football?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2016:
With some poll indicating that Donald Trump would win the presidency…if the electorate was only male, because… Ahem.

Anyway, some Trump supporters have now begun a campaign of hashtaggery and other largely meaningless modern gestures to Repeal the 19th Amendment.

Exactly what we need now in America. Another rift along our already precarious Fault of Division…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2016:
Those Hollywood types, now, do choose to pull-
off flick 'bout Jeff Dahmer--of, news is full!
Great. One movie, like to see,
made into, but won't be,
likely, one day turned to musical!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2016:
Who'd have thought that the Clintons would end up lookin' like the moral option?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2016:
Hear sound? Muffled, as if from cave?
In background, 'mid debating knaves?
With it something's stinkin'…
That's Douglas and Lincoln
a'rolling around in their graves!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2016:
We've figured it out.

These negative campaign ads that bash a candidate or candidates…but don't come out in favor of one? Completely negative?

We've mentioned this earlier this election season. These are new. Perhaps we'd missed some, say, the past Big Election Grind, but they're relatively new. And the sheer preponderance this time is new--the majority are this way.

Here's the thing. It's been suggested, somewhat jokingly, for a long time that we vote for the "lesser of two evils." That is, we don't vote so much for a candidate as against a candidate.

Now, we're flat-out giving in to this. Reflecting an overall trend, as we noted in car commercials now of the tone, "Of COURSE you're driving around distracted--that's why designed auto braking!"

The age of giving up.

The American electoral system has given up on itself…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2016:
With allergies dire, I get cuts--
but lawyers, with my cookies, futz!
My best grocer bak'ry
won't, like Grandma, make me
my choc'late chip cookies…with nuts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2016:
With dinner out my favorite first date, I mused in this space recently about an ethnic re-do--where I took a different first date, months later, to the site of a previous first date at an Indonesian restaurant which… Well, the earlier date itself was actually pleasant enough, but the lady soon turned… Ahem.

In case you're curious, the re-do came out even worse, on almost all fronts.

As I'm penning this, I'm preparing for a first date at a restaurant which was a near-miss for a previous first date months back. In this case, Nepalese is the culinary canvas--and just as Indonesian was new to me at the re-do locale, Nepalese is also new to me.

This is a different type of re-do altogether, in fact more of a re-plan. See, for my first attempt at this Nepalese joint, my first date, last minute, cried "running late" and we shifted to a restaurant closer to her.

That set the tone for a date that was… Well, horrible. Setting up nary a thought of a second date.

I didn't fully try for this re-plan. Was trying to find a restaurant between my date and my homes, meet neutral ground kinda thing, wanted to pick a new type of cuisine to me and… Semi-accidentally set-up this re-plan.

The lady in particular for tonight's first date seems, going in, a much better prospect than the previous one…but I'm trying not to go there, perhaps tempting the Gods of Dating Karma too much already, but nonetheless looking forward to trying Nepalese…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2016:
While negative ads are abhorred, we're
still drinking the Kool-Aid--they score! Sneer
if you will! Though Hillary
don't need such shills, you see--
the Donald's doing job for her!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2016:
After these debates, everyone's all focused on, "Who won?"

We can tell you who lost… We The People…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2016:
There's FEMA game app? So, play chief
and help org. turn over new leaf?
Or is the appeal
more keepin' it real--
you muff the disaster relief?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2016:
There's a certain professional baseball league team in the playoffs, historically not known for playoff baseball, at least for more than a century and… Think you know to whom we refer.

And we usually chime in, at least once a baseball season, about this team and its situation.

But this year, as many of its fans are more optimistic than ever, and those like us are fearing a sure sign of Judgment Day… We've been holding off.

So, and this goes for seasons in the near future and beyond, we're keeping our fear in check, and advising fans to do the same with their optimism, until we see this certain team with three World Series wins.

Do not underestimate this team's capacity for screwing it all up. They've mastered the art for more than a century...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2016:
A butcher whose charm was well known test-
ed out new technique on Simone's chest!
All 'round, worked his way,
as if breast filet--
though it sure as hell wasn't bone-less!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2016:
Hillary Clinton's birthday's coming next week--Wednesday, the 26th.

Gotta figure nobody can possibly top the gift Mr. Donald Trump's giving her this year…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2016:
On faith, picture Mankind in space!
But, with Free World Lead role in place,
for Pres. bid, these two,
are best we can do?...
Tough keeping faith in Human Race!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2016:
Read of an app for meditation.

Let's see if we have this straight.

You walk around constantly checking hour smartphone. Thus never truly leaving work, or taking a break from personal turmoils or foibles, or escaping the oft stress-inducing thing called "news," or being able to, as they say, "stop and smell the flowers."

In order to escape this stress, you download this meditation app.

So, whenever you feel a bit anxious, you look to your smartphone and…need the meditation app.

We're not doctors or therapists, but wouldn't it make more sense to… Losing battle here, folks.

Like lather, rinse, repeat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2016:
Insanity's def'nition's this--when ye
do same thing, expect results diff to be!
And handy, as well,
summation, nutshell
of something we call "human history"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2016:
Los Angeles Times headline--

"AT&T Closes in on Deal to Buy Time-Warner"

…And then there was just one.

"I pledge allegiance, to The Corporation…"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2016:
Trump's acts pushed from fence, to decision,
dames' votes, so his tent turns derision
to Fair Sex as whole--
"Lose 19th!" extols!
Just what we need now--more division!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2016:
We've noticed negative political ads now running that maintain a certain local incumbent embodies the worst of both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

As in, you sure as hell don't want to election someone to public office who is anything like the two finalists for Leader of the Free World.

With the Chicago Cubs officially beginning a World Series bid tonight… Didn't Nostradamus have anything to say about all this?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2016:
Old date saw's "dinner and a movie"!
But one thing experience proves me
says just dinner. Murky
are dames, flicks--oft turkeys!
(This case, 'least the meal out is groovy!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2016:
Ate goat the other night. Nepalese goat, to be precise and, yes, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, this was upon a date to which I recently referred as tempting Fate and/or Karma.

And I literally ate goat, lest you think it's code for something or other.

Don't have much input on Nepalese food, which was new to me previous to this date. The joint was Indian/Nepalese, with more Indian offerings. In fact, goat was the only Nepalese dinner entrée offering. It was tasty and all, but wasn't much different than a standard Indian one, more medium spicy when I prefer the flaming and… Not reviewing Nepalese, again.

I am reviewing goat, since this is only the second time I've partook.

Goat tastes a lot like beef. Seems to have a little more gristle, but that's counteracted by the fact that it's also extremely tender, as if the whole goat's meat is like close-to-the-bone beef.

At least this goat was that way, which leads me to believe that, since my previous goat foray was a bit tough (in an Ethiopian dish), it's tricky cooking the meat. Has to be done just right. Like calamari or escargot, your opinion of it can vary greatly based on just how it's prepared.

Know that eating goat at such a time had nothing to do with any Chicago Cubs rituals. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that while I'm fine with tempting Fate/Karma of the dating variety, the stakes are much too high to be futzing around with that stuff…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2016:
Seems each day, a new victim hops in
with tale of Trump getting feel cops in!
Weird frontiers we see,
this race! Tops may be
that Clintons are the moral option!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2016:
Any celebrities, politicians, what-have-yous out there with scandals waiting to happen?

Unleash 'em now.

If it ain't about this Election, nobody's gonna pay any attention...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2016:
Cubs fans walkin' 'round with big grins--
end path of long champ drought begins?
Not to play dream smasher,
but they're screw-up masters--
I'll hold til', 'least, three Series wins!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2016:
Saw a commercial addressing the problems of sexual assault and domestic violence. Relevant, topical and generally good to see in a PSA, as we haven't seen this type of thing much.

However, it wasn't actually a PSA, but a political ad for…well, for nobody apparently, but against a politician who'd voted against some anti-sexual assault/domestic violence legislation.

We're trying to stay positive, so let's just say there are a whole lotta silver linings looming on the horizon…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2016:
Trick or Treat brought disturbing gem--
pair as dominatrix, with femme!
Called for special candy
so, having pen handy,
did give them S&M&M's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2016:
Already gearin' up for Da Bears on Monday Night Football!

Well, for Monday Night Football, anyway. Only because our favorite horror movie host, Svengoolie, is hosting.

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, we're big fair weather fans here and Da Bears… Well, cancel any metaphorical picnics…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2016:
Debates--pundits fuss and think deep! Polls
ask "Who won?" too. Watching nom creeps roll
with sound bites? Train wreck fun!
I can't tell you who "won,"
but know well who lost--We the People!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2016:
So, Trump and his supporters are ALREADY saying that, if he doesn't win the election, it was somehow rigged, and they're also ALREADY threatening unrest, protest and in some cases even "revolution."

We're breaking a lot of new ground this election. Mostly ugly ground. But this situation, however, is far from new. In fact, there's an established technical term for it in place--

"Being a sore loser."

Actually, in this case, "Being a (pre-) sore loser"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2016:
A vampire gave formal inviting
for Halloween date! At first, fighting
his gaze, she gave in
to his world of sin
and vampire forewent mastur-biting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy All Hallow's Eve!...