Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2016 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: September 2016
DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2016:
Way angry white trash airs their gripes?
"White Lives Matter"? Really? Oh, cripes…
Once was, learned resistance,
but explains existence
of guilty white liberal types!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2016:
Starting a new campaign.

S.T.I.F.L.E.

"Stupid Twit Idiots: Forego (your) Liberty (of) Expression"

Okay, the acronym needs work, but it's a point Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should be well aware of us repeatedly making and, really, you can figure it out…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2016:
Trump says, vi'lence that Chi-Town's vexed
with, he can solve, one day? Just flex
his "toughness"! Brain shrinking?
Man, that nutjob's thinking
makes Archie Bunker's seem complex!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2016:
So NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick caused quite a stir by refusing to stand for the National Anthem, as a commentary on racial inequality in America.

It is, of course, his right to do so, despite the fact that anything perceived as disrespect for such symbols spurs a shit-storm of controversy.

In this case, however, this shit-storm is more of a shit-tsunami. See, Kaepernick went beyond insulting the Anthem, the nation or the idea of freedom.

He's messing with the image of something for more mighty--the National Football League…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2016:
A nympho chick, darker than night,
found contrast a lustful incite,
so o'er Labor Day,
to mind fashion's way,
did wear-out a whole lotta white!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2016:
Chris Brown in the news. Again.

For… Really, the same old things.

But he just needs more "anger management" classes, right? We just need to feed that cottage industry more, right?

No such thing as bad apples, right?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2016:
This term used, "distracted," see, fact is,
all folks, all they do--smartphone active!
Real world? No attention!
Makes more sense to mention
rare cases of folks "NON-distracted"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2016:
Now Pamela Anderson is joining the curious trend of crusading against the sky being blue.

Actually, against porn. Similar likelihood of success.

But we gotta say that the human flotational device is yet another on this from among our, uh, greatest minds. She joins…er, Elizabeth Smart and…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2016:
On Labor Day, think of the fools made
of working class, by pols, who fuel jade-
ed 'tudes on our unions! Still,
most states are "fire at will"…
Bent over AND drinking Kool Aid!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy Labor Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2016:
Rules lives--Big Healthcare's Ab. Pow'r Mission!
Raise pill price? Must take what it's dishin'!
Fear commies, mere taste?
Nep'tists, red tape waste
makes worst gov'ment org. seem efficient!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2016:
Been thinkin' on these hipsters wearing facial hairs, T-shirts, etc., but doing so "ironically."

Perhaps we should give up on the whole fact that none of this conforms to the actual definition of "ironic" or "irony" and not mention it…but we already did.

But whether you're wearing a mustache or T-shirt "ironically" or just because you like it, you're WEARING it.

Actually, those doing so "ironically," while for some reason need a snarky, smug reason for it, are really doing so, when it boils down to it, because they like it, too… More reason to knock off this particular front on the War on English and Grammar…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2016:
In summer, fare for face-feed shove-in,
courts 'wave--sates, say, sausage/dog lovin'!
But this time of year,
with roast season near,
damn heat--frozen 'zas pre-stoke oven!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2016:
I used to think that the ideal ration of mushrooms to steak was about 1 to 2. That is, about a half-pound of mushrooms for each pound of steak.

Having not barbecued as frequently lately, thanks to insane city-regulations-meet-condo-crap, I found, the other day, this 1 to 2 to be lacking. In fact, 1 to 1 worked just delightfully.

Had to toss my two 'shrooms in heading out of Labor Day weekend. Barbecuing's not like wearing white, but you nonetheless tend to do less of it after this calendar point…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2016:
So colleges make, special cases,
spots with no "bad" words called "safe spaces"?
Want, Land of Free Speech,
spot offense can't reach?
Then leave--the world's full of such places!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2016:
At this year's Burning Man Festival, "rich parasites" were attacked by other attendees.

Not that, of course, any of those hostile hipsters travelled to, attended and were able to skip work (or not working) thanks to Mom and Dad's "parasite" dime.

Tempted to toss out a #NotAllLivesMatter here…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2016:
So Kaepernick spurred a pell mell!
For Anthem, the cat hasn't knelt!
Might think consternation's
from dis' to the nation
but worse--messed with the NFL!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2016:
My, have the critics had a field day bashing Matt Lauer's role as moderator for his pre-debate-ish thingie, "Commander in Chief Forum."

Yep, even the pundits are looking for something, ANYTHING to analyze other than the presidential worthiness of the clown duo the major parties shit out for this election...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2016:
An Indian princess, quite fine be,
did meet an explorer with shiny,
fine baubles, likes ne'er seen!
Thought, "Must have, whatev' means!"
And now they call her, "Pocherheiny"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2016:
Headline--

"Girl on Bike Sues After Off-Duty Officer Throws Her Down"

We're calling this progress!

Hey. She wasn't shot…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2016:
Once more, in crime news, it's Chris Brown!
Blast from past--same type stuff went down!
Tough one with to grapple?
Still think no bad apples--
"anger management," he'll come 'round?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2016:
So the Hype Machine is already warming up for the soon-to-be-unveiled iPhone 7! My, what technological advances await!

There's the new, er, camera that… Anyway, there's also the, er, frontier of going beyond headphones and using wireless earbuds that… Ahem.

So, this is what technological advancement is all about now, huh? Improvements in the ability to take selfies and to remain distracted?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2016:
News brings us our great minds' advice…
Pam Anderson now gives her slice?
"Stop Porn!" (Good, luck, too!)
All wait for, from, cue
human flotational device!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2016:
Like the slew of ads for office supplies, a sure sign, in this case from a headline, that school is back session--

"Thirty Injured After Deck Collapses at College Party"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2016:
Wear T-shirt, 'stash--claim you're eschewing it?
Misuse "irony"--so pooh-poohing it?
Non-hipster disdain;
own acts, need explain…
Don't matter WHY, pricks--you're still DOING it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2016:
Don't understand all this scrutiny of Hillary Clinton's health, what two the pneumonia and swooning and all.

Seems kinda silly, considering the major party candidates' MENTAL health...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2016:
Once thought, best ratio to consume,
was two-to-one, for steak to 'shrooms!
Now sure one-to-one works!
(Guess these are one's thought quirks
facing Barbecue Season's doom!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2016:
So, after finishing work downtown, 3 p.m., and having social plans at 5 p.m., was rather hungry so had a meal. In fact, not just a meal, but a dinner.

After the main event of the social engagement--art gallery openings, if you must know--I was fairly hungry, and others were hungry, and these others suggested going for a meal so, knowing I'd need to eat again before bed at around midnight, I thus had a second dinner. And, again, not a meal, but a second full-on dinner.

Kinda feel like I'm becoming a hobbit or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2016:
Now riots are Burning Man's plight?
Stemmed from angst o'er…"rich parasites"?
Like hipsters unbridled
spending, self-entitled,
who feel living off Ps's their right?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2016:
We need a new word.

See, lately we've been describing the American electoral process as a "joke" because… Well.

Anyway, it has also occurred to us that such an assessment is unfair to jokes because jokes are useful. Clever. One of Life's little things that make it all worthwhile.

Whereas our electoral process is… As we said. We need a new word...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2016:
Matt Lauer's been given thumb's-down
moderating debate-like rounds!
Folks seize change to rate
those running debates
to 'void choice 'tween candidate clowns!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2016:
With these Samsung phones exploding, looked into these lithium ion batteries that all such devices run on these days.

They're not inherently dangerous, but much care is necessary in crafting devices powered by these. One design misstep and KABLAM!

Or perhaps one clever step in design.

See, if devices can be crafted to detect, say, a zigzagging sidewalk path ambled by its user, triggering a few strategic sparks and… What?

These damned things already track your every movement. At least put Big Brother to a better use than shilling you crap...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2016:
A fella had mission quite clear--
land piece of hot singer chick's rear!
Fin'ly got her poon thing
and she started crooning--
out notes that only dogs can hear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2016:
Having downloaded iOS 10, one disturbing new feature is a whole new folder it presents, brighter than all the rest, "Home."

Full of all the fixin's to put your TV, phone, refrigerator, etc., et. al, Internet connected together.

Recently, in light of Apple's "advancements," we'd remarked that technology's onslaught appears now to be only interested in improving selfies and other means of keeping the public distracted 24/7.

Guess we gotta add this to that little list--ensuring that The Grid is all encompassing. Believe us, as soon as they figure how to wire-up even your shower soap, they will…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2016:
Pneumonia for Hil's brought a wealth
of punditry--legit and stealth!
Not sure why there's fuss
when hope's agreed bust
for either side's pol's mental health!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2016:
So Donald Trump, focusing on the important issues facing our nation, is now urging Hillary Clinton's security detail to ditch their weapons and see what happens.

Why don't we just have a shoot-out, rather than an election? We'll avoid the spin fests we're calling "debates," feel better about ourselves for not having to actually vote for the lesser of two evils and, really, the benefits are countless.

If you're gonna make a mockery of your election system, make it the best damn mockery you can, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2016:
New iOS, iPhone at glance? Went
with new headphone thing and enhancement
of cam? So tweaked action,
selfies and distraction,
is now top goal of tech "advancement"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2016:
Rather exciting, isn't it, that time period in American history with even family members uncomfortable gathering, lest the topic of which side in the split national allegiance each takes comes up.

The bitter hatred, pitting brother against brother, son against father, best friend against best friend, mentor against protégé… Huh?

Civil War? No, we're talking about this presidential election…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2016:
Signs fall's soon--the sunlight does lapse,
theme "back-to-school's" pegged by ad saps
and heralding season's
the first headlines teasin'
a college bash with deck collapse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2016:
We have a prediction regarding the results of the 2016 Presidential Election--

Our next president will serve one term and get absolutely nothing done, between being unfit for office and having the population clamor even more than usual to elect the opposing party to a Congressional majority.

No prediction on exactly which Bozo will win.

But does the exact hue of our certain doom really matter?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2016:
Had dinner when finished with job. It
was early, but starved! Then, like slob,
fit in 'nother meal I threw down,
after night on the town…
Got me to feel like a hobbit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2016:
We missed National Salisbury Steak Day again. Last Wednesday.

Well, we didn't actually MISS it, but didn't ballyhoo it. Neither ahead of time nor day of.

Perhaps everybody already marks their calendar for it now, first new "South Park" of the Fall TV Season.

We'll go with that--and celebrate today instead…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2016:
Gut word for's, since system seems broke
(thanks to public far from awoke),
"joke"--but that's not right one!
Jokes are clever, and fun--
so that'd be an insult to "jokes"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2016:
Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Fall 2016!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2016:
With Samsungs exploding, mis-rigged, flag
this news as sign of hope through trick bag--
let's set phones in mode,
pre-set to explode
when, say, texting walker does zigzag!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2016:
The world needs a Superhero.

We're not talking about one to tackle violent and/or dangerous criminals, despite the controversial nature of police today. Ain't goin' there.

We need a Dark Knight type to go after those crimes that busy law enforcement officers have not time to handle.

Ticketing the bastards riding bicycles on sidewalks, for example--illegal, but rampantly unenforced. The hordes on smartphones while driving our highways.

For our part, we'll look the other way, too, if our hero engages in a bit of roughing-up…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2016:
A long-legged goddess kept pride up
when handsome, mature man had tried schtup!
Through his flirts discovered,
dom acts? Thoughts--'neath covers!
And soon she was fit to be tied…-up!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2016:
At some point, and soon, here's what we think the National Football League should do--

Make a regular habit of coming clean on all the latest science regarding head injuries from the game, continue to do so perpetually and then leave the freakin' rules alone.

Let adults who can weight the balance between money, fame, etc. and health risks make their decisions on whether or not to play.

Seriously, kickoffs are already as lame as all hell at this point--and the NFL's talking about the possibility of killing them off altogether!

Otherwise, we're en route to professional flag football, folks…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2016:
Trump says, Hil's security pool
should lose guns? Lightbulb--take these fools,
forget lame debates,
make mock'ry first rate,
and let these two clowns high-noon duel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2016:
We've said this in the past about National Football League announcers who are a former players, but with a new season kicking in, it's now apparent to us that even the NFL's broadcasters who WEREN'T former players were… Well, we're guessing the league and networks slap 'em around and give 'em regular concussions.

There must be SOME explanation why these guys are the worst sports broadcasters, hands-down. It's a slow, easy game to call, too.

They begin stories, analogies, what have you, then forget to ever finish them.

There may or may not be some seamy reason for this. Or perhaps they concuss these clods to fit the overall ambiance of the game?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2016:
Did iOS 10 and I found
new "Home" folder? Links gadgets 'round
house into the 'Net!
Used to be, could get
off-Grid--now it chases us down!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2016:
The Truth doesn't take sides.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know where we're coming from with that one.

So feel free to sit and ponder that, jaw agape, for a while.

We thought that was pretty deep when we thought of it, anyway...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2016:
Guard views 'round those with close connection;
keep politics to introspection…
What times--loved turns abhorred!
What? No, not Civil War--
today--talkin' 'bout this election!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2016:
Headline from the New York Times' website--

"The Folly of the Protest Vote"

Hmm. Really? Then how about this headline from DailyLimerick--

"The Folly of Our Electoral System"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2016:
Two years straight, missed Salisbury Steak
Day--own holiday, shunned fair shake!
Must act 'fore it rates
poor Arbor Day's fate!
Need mascot…like Salisbury Snake?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2016:
Made galumpkis recently.

Polish cabbage rolls, more or less.

And forgot just what an ordeal it is to make 'em!

Every time I make them, I realize that I'd forgotten how long it takes, how much effort, etc.

Which is why it don't do such cooking ordeals so often.

And, when I do, I then recall how much effort it takes, which means I wait a long time to make them again and… One of those Circles of Life, I guess…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2016:
Election prediction--once muck
clears 'tween two republicrat schmucks…
Not sure WHO will be,
but tea leaves foresee
next President one-term, lame duck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2016:
Mike Ditka, telling Colin Kaepernick to leave the country rather than protest during the National Anthem… He's just the latest in this long, perpetual line of folks spouting this "America--love it or leave it" attitude.

Since America was founded on dissent, while these guys like to think of themselves as "patriots," they're really a helluva lot closer to, well, traitors…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2016:
Though helping stave off play'rs from maim,
football just grows… Well, grows more lame!
Come clean, toll study results;
play'res decide--they're adults--
or soon flag football's the game!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2016:
Read that advertisers treated this week's presidential debate as if it were the Super Bowl.

Makes perfect sense. As is usually the case with the Super Bowl, it's a contest between two foes I don't like, with very little substance couched amid a pile of hype...