Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: April 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2017:
A young actor, t'ward hipster tending,
joined cast of play dubbed "gender-bending"!
Flashed so quickly 'tween femme-male,
somehow tapped his own tail--
gave himself a happy ending!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2017:
With fake news now a hot topic, T-Rump turns around and calls any legitimate news outlet he deems un-Twit-able "fake news."

This is just a technique of diplomatic finesse, you know.

Otherwise known as, "I know you are, but what am I?"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2017:
The ad, for self-pub verse mill, cheers, "Yo!
Keep 'Hundred 'Cent Royalties!" Here's low-
Down--math lesson, dames and gents,
know one hundred percent
of zero is, well, still zero! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2017:
Thanks to the likes of KickStarter and GoFundMe, selfie media's become… Well, if we wanted this, we'd walk around the Chicago Loop during peak hours, affecting an out-of-towner/suburbanite air…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2017:
Animated's next show to be'a
from Kardashian's diarrhea!
Give cred--'least did not choose pull
off cliché musical!
(Whoops--don't want to give ideas!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2017:
You know who should be happy about Congress selling our Internet privacy out to corporate interests?

Other than the corporate interests and congressmen in question, in addition to the Trumplodytes undoubtedly culted into believing the Fuhrer's doing this, indeed anything, for the interests of anybody but the filthy rich and himself?

We're talking about that special modern breed of prick out there.

It logically follows that YOUR "information wants to be free," too, doesn't it?...

Oh, almost forgot to add--

Ya' pricks…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2017:
A woman in car accident said she
crashed 'cause of a…Sasquatch? And bet we
that she's just latched to motif
of Bullshiter-in-Chief!
Next time late, I'll blame a Yeti!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2017:
Actually read a reference to something called "thought-control technology."

In this case, it's meant to help, say, those suffered get from paralysis but… Still.

You know damned well the Republicans are already scheming to sell it to the Corporatocracy…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2017:
Lent, Pepper and Egg Season brings!
Made some with poblano, for zing!
Tip--not jalapeño,
but still far from plain so
wash hands 'fore you touch…certain things!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2017:
Now, I'm not one for skydiving and other such danger-courting, thrill-seeking activities.

Or so I thought.

Until considering White Castle's Lenten crab cake sliders and my strong urge to try the things.

Guess we're all more alike than we tend to admit. Each danger-seeking in our own way…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2017:
With spotlight on fake news sites ply,
like boy with "Wolf!" "fake news" Trump cries
for facts he dislikes! This be
his best diplomacy--
"Know you are--but what am I?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2017:
Our online news feed now brings us an entire, regular section called, "Self-Driving Cars."

Don't forget, though--it's the Chinese, Mexicans and environmental regulations that are the biggest villains taking our jobs.

Nothin' to see here, folks…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2017:
Trolls and catfish, these online lives can bring--
pros come with cons, I understand's the thing--
but arts-farts' crowd-fund pleas, bruh've,
turned social media
into a cesspool of panhandling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2017:
Headline--

"Man Nearly Electrocuted While Sleeping Next to His iPhone"

There was a time with the cautionary buzz was all about not smoking in bed.

The more things change, the more society's apparent need for a raging addiction epidemic is indulged…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2017:
A man with long out-of-swing knob
enlisted young lass for a -job!
He called it a "party"--
just she and he (Arty)
plus couple of friends, "Neil and Bob"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2017:
Digital Robber Baron Google now trumpets its wi-fi feature, which allows a family to program times wherein the Internet is cut-off so that families can live life disconnected for a change.

So… Using technology to combat a raging addiction to technology?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2017:
Is certain prick type filled with glee
o'er pols selling 'Net privacy?
Though theft "right" rings hollow
s'it logic'ly follow
that YOUR info "wants to be free"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2017:
Caught a headline for, but were far too frightened to actually read, a news story about how you can teach your "Siri," or similarly annoyingly named "smart" imaginary friend, to recognize your unique vocal patterns.

Complementing, we suppose, the capability of some such devices to unlock via fingerprint and… Hmm.

"Gather 'round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you about a phenomenon that existed, once long ago, called 'privacy'"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2017:
So "thought-control" tech's real sensation?
Likes paralysis, seeks abatin'?
Unnerved, must confess!
Can sure see Congress
selling it out to corporations!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2017:
Here at Daily Limerick, we try to remain as objective as we can regarding new technology introduced to our ragingly tech-addicted society. In fact, we try to continually reassess negative attitudes toward new developments, en guarde for any knee-jerk or…we'll admit it, dinosaur-like reactions.

So, these things called "digital voice assistants"… Okay, unless we encounter a situation such as, say, bad arthritis or a new lifestyle where we spend a whole lot more time driving cars, we're fine typing. Ain't talking to a fucking computer--read to much old sci-fi, perhaps, but we type fast and it's just lame and impractical.

Saw an article recently headlined something like, "Afraid to Talk to Your Phone? Get Over It." And while it didn't send us chatting up Siri, kinda stuck in our collective craw, so to speak, and sometimes that kinda thing eventually gestated into a change of attitude.

Sometimes.

Then we read about folks having sexual fantasies about these voices. Of course. But it's becoming common enough that it's now a "thing," as they say.

Which reminds us that, sometimes, the point of our objectivity attempts is simply to reinforce the fact that our gut reactions, even dinosaur-like ones, are often spot on as all screeching hell…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2017:
"Self-Driving Cars" now have whole section in
my news feed! Which spurs some reflection… Spin's
"Utopian Tech"? Poor slobs
miss AI's role! So jobs'
top threat's EPA and Mexicans?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2017:
So, this droppin' the mic business?

Please. Stop.

Was cool and clever a couple of times… Okay, cool-ish and clever-esque. But… Seriously.

And it's one thing if you're a Big Time Star but… Well, we're picturing a whole lotta open-mic, wannabe poseurs having to round up extra scratch for busting a perfectly good microphone...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2017:
Ain't thrill-seeker type--no skydiver
nor one to play with a hang glider--
yet to, not full stranger!
In own way, court danger--
crave White Castle's Lent crab cake sliders!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2017:
Chicago is home to the Rock 'N' Roll McDonald's. Which seems to be an elaborate gimmick to charge more than a regular Mickey D's but… We'll stop the digressing and focus on the statues outside of the attraction.

One statue in particular, although they're all stupid and yet inexplicable selfie draws for tourists--of Ronald McDonald.

This got us to thinking, and soon realizing, that ALL fast-food mascots are lame. And often frightening.

Many moons ago, KFC's Colonel was kinda cook…until they animated him into a breakdancing, urban wannabe type. Suppose what they've made of the Colonel today is a bit better but still… With a capital "L."

There was a time when McDonald's did have a load of nifty mascots. Grimace, the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese and the Fry Guys, namely. Unfortunately sorta lead by Ronald McDonald.

Inexplicably, Mickey D's has put the gang to rest over the years.

Except…again, inexplicably, the clown. Although they don't trot him out very often.

Come to think of it, this back-off began around the time Joe Camel was getting everyone's collective knickers in a twist.

Guess we have another annoying development for which the blame can be laid at the feet of Big Mother…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2017:
To keep wired-world stresses in check
wifi, Google, "pause" can select!
Something don't seem right--
the scheme here's to fight
addiction to tech…using tech?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2017:
In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton gave her reasons as to why she believes she lost the election.

She named a lot of the things you'd expect--Russian tampering, the timing of the investigation into her e-mail thing, etc.

She curiously didn't mention things like… Oh, how she prattled a lot about diversity without offering any solutions to the overall problem there. Or about how she felt the curious need to proclaim her support for Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel early in the election process or… Ahem.

In short, she blamed everybody but herself.

Who the hell does she think she is--Donald Trump?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2017:
Now with voice assistant tech jive can we
use voice-print…which, of course, archived can be
with moves, data shillin'…
Gather 'round, grandchildren,
I'll tell you 'bout thing, once was, "privacy"! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2017:
So all of a sudden these, er…alt-successful endeavors from the past are being bought back, or at least the idea is being seriously considered--the War on Drugs, nuke race, etc.?

Will the Surgeon General soon call for a return to curing disease with leeches?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2017:
It's spring! For warm weather, all antsy!
They say spring turns a young man's fancy
unto thoughts of finer things!
For my part, thinking swings
to thoughts of dames' underpantsies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2017:
Did you hear the one about the tech dude who married his AI, er, "companion"?

Er… Sorry. We only wish it were a gag.

Modern life may not always be a joke, but we're sure as hell at least living in a Punchline Society…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2017:
It's Easter! Spring urge, just can't mask it!
Flesh back, as if rising from casket!
This born country bumpkin's
wild for urban pumpkin--
crave treats of a choc'latey basket!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2017:
Likes Siri, Alexa implore
tech junkies--use, to-future door!
Find lame! Now news assizing 
'bout them, folks fant'sizing…
Proud here to stay dinosaur!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2017:
It started as clever stage psych,
but now, just wish trend'd take a hike!
Small-timers join hip spin
and wreck fine equipment--
so folks, let's retire "drop the mic"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2017:
When I first moved to the City of Chicago--Chief Limericist checking in, here--we were amid a Comedy Golden Age. "Seinfeld" was becoming a sensation and there were multiple comedy clubs thriving--actual stand-up comedy CLUBS, mind you, not just bars that happened to have a comedy night now and again.

That was 1991, but within a few years, the number of clubs dwindled. Improv and sketch venues continued to exist, but only one proper stand-up club remained within city limits, Zanies. This of course wasn't just Chicago--the Golden Age was nationwide, perhaps even international.

Over the past few years, these things being cyclical, another Comedy Golden Age arose.

But lately, I've been noticing a preponderance of comedy-killing situations amid the comedy scene. Shows on themes like "body image positivity" and shows promising a "judgment-free" stage, for instance.

This is not to say that there isn't room on the cultural scene for these kinds of things. But it kinda takes the comic edge off to proclaim all material on the order of something like "body image positivity"--better for performance art, a lecture series, a gallery show…pretty much anything BUT comedy.

So you read it here first, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. The current Comedy Golden Age is soon coming to an end…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2017:
Fast-food mascots once I had found
fun! Long since, been run into ground
by Big Mother Fat Police--
Fry Guys, Mayor McCheese…
Leaving most lame--king and clown?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2017:
So I had a recipe calling for a few tablespoons of 'em, so now I'm stuck with a mostly full jar of capers.

For the record, I'm not entirely sure what they even are. And, unlike, say, olives, they don't lend themselves to occasional snacking upon, so I just don't know what the hell to do with them.

Made a dish with capers and can't do a thing with 'em…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2017:
So Hil', in an interview, dumped
on why, in Election, was Chump!
Blamed this, that and yet--for shame!--
to herself, cast no blame?
Who's she think that she is--Trump?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2017:
Former Dubya Teamer Karl Rove has come out to say that Fuhrer Trump's negative comments on Obama and his administration will "quickly become tiresome."

Really, Karl? Sick of T-Rump's constant, undoubtedly racism-fueled whining about everything Obama ever did and said and how he wants to undo it--now three months after Obama's final exit from the White House?

Ya' think?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2017:
Must ask, as the Trump Team beseeches
return to failed past's outer reaches…
Nuke Race, War on Drugs
pulled from under rug?
What's next--healthcare goes back to leeches?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2017:
Even those who dogmatically cry "capitalism only!" understand one money-saving concept behind government-sponsored healthcare--the "single payer" setup.

Well, we DO have a raging epidemic of ignorance, but MOST of them understand this… Okay, MANY of them… And we'll stop digressing before we get too depressed to continue.

Anyway, the concept is that the single-payer thing means the government is the only hand reaching for cash, rather than insurance companies, doctors, patients, lawyers… Fewer hands in the kitty making for lower expenses.

The main argument here is whether or not free enterprise, competition, etc., offsets that… Again, avoidin' digressin'.

We're recently become more aware of the workings behind Medicaid and Medicare, due to Family, friends, life experiences, etc.

And we've learned that, at least in the State of Illinois (assuming this also the case in some other states, of not all or most of them), Medicaid/Medicare patients are to line-up an insurance plan UNDER Medicaid/Medicare--only that's also seemingly tied-into a Big Insurance company.

So, all the bureaucracy of government, plus the even grander bureaucracy of Big Insurance?

The worst of both worlds.

Or the "mingle-player" healthcare option?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2017:
Love berries--to nuance, astute be!
Mull how nuance translates to cuties…
Had taste, seek more 'ware be--
the darker the berry
mean also the sweeter the booty?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2017:
We'd wish you a Happy Extra Cheezy Earth Day… But we're not entirely sure whether or not it was ended by a presidential order…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2017:
Hear 'bout AI guy who designed
love 'bot--and in marriage did bind?
Not one, but world's now a joke!
Tale's like one from this bloke
prove even don't need punchlines!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2017:
A friend of mine called to tell me that he liked a lot of my Facebook posts.

Not a Facebook "friend," but an actual, real-world friend.

And he didn't "like" these posts of mine. He actually liked them.

There's a phrase, now cliché, we generally avoid, but it fits here… "Unclear on the concept"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2017:
First moved to Chicago, Nineties,
'mid Golden Age of Comedy!
New Age now! Grew places
"judgment-free," "safe spaces"?
Boom's doomed! Same threats now back--P.C.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2017:
Headline from the University of Illinois' Daily Illini--

"Traditional Polling Methods Not Adding Up"

Although this means us using a cliché two editions in a row, we can only say… Duh!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2017:
Karl Rove says, with nary a wink,
"tiresome" will grow Trump's talk of link--
wire-tapping, Obama;
gen. Obsession-Rama!
Oh, really, now, Karl Rove, ya' think?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2017:
In recent years, corporate slimeball CVS scored P.C. points by ballyhooing its decision to stop selling legal tobacco products…while ratcheting up its robo-sourcing of jobs to computer checkouts.

Now CVS is again at the P.C. Darling Game…reorganizing to limit its stock and displays of candy and snacks.

We warned about this with the War on Smokers but… Hello? Is this thing, as they say, "on"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2017:
Made new dish! The exotic vapors
still linger--in fact, barely've tapered!
For ingred'yent, bought a jar,
used mere spoonful in thar--
now need scheme chef caper capers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2017:
Christmas has its way of symbolically, and physically, lingering year 'round--at least if you keep a real Christmas Tree.

You find needles, even many months past the Holiday, here and there around your place. Far more pleasant than annoying, as far as I'm concerned.

Easter has a similar factor. Maybe not year 'round, but my fridge is gonna carry that garlicky, delightful Easter Kielbasa scent for at least a month--and that's a month AFTER I've finished all the purposefully "leftover" sausage…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2017:
E'en Free Market pure have to say ther's
wise point--one cook/brew, single-payer!
But State's Medicaid and -Care
bring 'surance cos. in there?
Worst of both worlds…"mingled-payer"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2017:
According to one or all of Facebook's Chief Pricks, by 2022, the selfie media giant will only work with some form of "thought" via goggles and… Well.

Been looking for an excuse, ANY excuse, to ditch Facebook.

Still hopin' we don't have to wait until 2022 at this point, though…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2017:
Friend (not "friend"), to Facebook, 'guess non-hep,
saw my post, liked (not "liked")--'self, fond, kept!
Called on phone to say!
Need use loathed cliché--
'cause here's textbook "unclear on concept"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2017:
So the likes of Elon Musk and Facebook Big Cheezes are in the news talking about a not-so-distant future where one's thought is used as a computer interface.

And we're the only ones seemingly alarmed about this?

The only ones foreseeing Congress selling the access to, and privacy of, our very brains out to corporations?

Okay then.

Don't only bend over--but pre-lube yourselves, while you're at it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2017:
A lady so rocked a bikini,
for pageants was a sceney queenie!
Like djinni, her spell/curse?
Obscene-y thoughts inverse--
more suit's teeny, reverse goes weenie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2017:
We've reached a point where Mexicans no longer constitute a majority of the illegal immigrants in the United States.

Great. So now we have to build a wall around the entire country?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2017:
Distracting from robo-jobs flow
CVS harped, "To smoke sales, NO!"…
Now crows, Nanny State Plan B,
shelves placed, fight… Big Candy?
Once more, folks, I TOLD you so!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2017:
Turns out, there WAS voter fraud during the 2016 Presidential Election! In North Carolina and, it appears, much of it was dead folks and such voting… Republican?

Most notable here is the fact that T-Rump was actually right about something!

Okay, right-ish, as he claimed this was all Hillary stuff.

But, again, the guy was actually sorta, kinda right about something, so this rightfully SHOULD be the top news story for a while…