Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
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missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: August 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2017:
Folks, more and more, give language slip--pick
'stead chat with emoji and gif tricks!
Smartphone Age gave grammar
spelling and such hammer--
think we'll devolve to hieroglyphics?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2017:
Keep seein' these commercials, where they talk about the product's fine ingredients, various fruits and flowers… Sounds like a delightful perfume!

But the ads are for…beer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2017:
Good hot dog stand hot dog I'd pluck
from grizzly's claws! On grill, though, shuck
façade, sacred cow!
Thick sausage, allow,
but franks dry out--grilled hot dogs suck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2017:
Been a big cheeze fan lately. Tasty, high protein snack with countless varieties to choose from.

There's a certain cheeze I've been seeing, for years now, in more grocers' cheeze sections. But I've avoided buying it because… Well, some nations, and a certain U.S. state, are known for cheeze and others… Well, just ain't.

But I finally broke down and have just gotta recommend its unique flavor. White and sharp like a cheddar, with a Swiss-y richness and yet, somehow, a mild character… Who knew?

It's called Dubliner and, yeah, I never pegged the Irish as a source of cheeze myself…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2017:
Read self-driving car, "expert" guy,
say'n bikes, too, let's wire to comply?
Wired next? 'Course, pedestrians!
Folks blind buy, try best can--
PLEASE, folks, read classic sci-fi!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2017:
So the FDA's scheming to reduce the amount of nicotine in tobacco to prevent knowing adults from getting addicted to a product that's been around for centuries and, schemes aside, will be around as long as Humanity exists.

Concerning the class in History Repeating Itself, this time regarding a test on the 18th Amendment, Humanity again receives an "F"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2017:
"Security" feel, courthouse, coddled!
Let huge briefcase through…not glass bottle?
If by me, attacked,
attaché swung? Fact's
far more dang'rous with to be throttled!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2017:
NPR headline--

"What's New in the World of Robot Sex?"

We're really, and we mean REALLY trying here to fight the urge to look into backwoods Montana real estate and start some form of New Amish, off-grid religion here, but, c'mon, Tech Industry, you're making it so fucking hard…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2017:
Wild-sandaled girl, met a young satyr--
strings 'round calves, to knees! Had to date her!
Sex deal he massaged--
for oral homage
she'd leave 'em on! (Was glad-'e-ate-'er!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2017:
So Jimmie Walker has come out in support of Fuehrer Trump. (And we'll come clean with a Correction of sorts--we've been misspelling "Fuehrer" since T-Rump's election.)

After a similar stance from Rob Schneider, we sense a trend here--

Say what you will about Trump, but he's rapidly becoming the choice of has-been actors!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2017:
When one owns a mall, have to be
providing mall security
'else no one would rent!
'Fact, it's requirement!
So what the hell's with ISPs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2017:
Though he's only taking baby steps so far, then insisting they don't mean much, and it's only 2017… Gotta come out, here and now, with a Presidential Election 2020 endorsement. Or perhaps an endorsement for any other presidential election year.

Hell, an endorsement for any office, anywhere, any year, but we'll phrase it with the first situation--

Anybody but Zuckerberg in 2020!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2017:
Pegged why animation in 3D
strangely gives me the heebie-jeebies!
2D's tops--cartoony
(think 'Toons that are Looney)--
3D people somehow seem creepy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2017:
Alibaba, that's our team--'Merican opponent, ream!... Gooooo Alibaba!

Rootin' hard on this one.

And, despite how it may seem to the unknowing, we do, in fact, have America's best interests at heart.

Look into it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2017:
Put hist'try dates, birthdays of stars
into handy iCalendar!
Self-writes set-ups, gags, there--
"Blake Edwards, Mick Jagger,
Aldous Huxley walk into bar"…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2017:
So Al Gore told Bill Maher in an interview that we need to kill off the Electoral College.

Here we are urging people to shut up about the 2016 Presidential Election…and some of us still aren't over the one in 2000…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2017:
Kept seein' at grocer, but'd breeze
by it in fave cooler, though teased--
corned beef and fine pubs, known fer!
Fin'ly tried "Dubliner"…
who knew the Irish nail cheeze?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2017:
Music as the food of love?

Readying for a date, or these days perhaps a "date-like" outing, as far as I'm concerned, FOOD is the food of love!

Play on!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2017:
Ingredients, in ad did hear--
flow'r petals, fruit essence… Seems clear's
for one fine perfume!
Then shill lowers boom--
not for fragrance, but for…"craft" beer?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2017:
An advocacy movement is underway to force car manufacturers into installing a system to notify parents when they leave their kids in cars on hot days.

Let this be understood when we comment on the news from here on out--not making this up, but wish we were.

Okay, then. How about an app to remind folks to come in out of the rain?

Aw, what the hell--why not self-parenting kids, too?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2017:
Pick random dude--red, blue? It's toss-up!
Yet's red's rare in Hollywood's glossed-up!
Rob Schneider's Trump squawker…
And now, Jimmie Walker…
Is Trump hands-down choice 'mong the washed-up?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2017:
So there are apparently anti-drunken driving programs now in place, targeting repeat offenders, which don't just yank the drivers license but…ban the individuals from drinking altogether?

Hmmm.

Now, this is not only for perpetrators of things like, say, public drunkenness, in which the state has an interest in something other than this person getting behind the wheel.

Government targeting socially shunned behavior that doesn't affect others?

Whom do they think they're going after here--smokers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2017:
A noted tease girlie would choose
to light, then just 'fore blow'n, tamp fuse!
One guy got so worked up--
his Johnson so perked up--
his balls started singing the "blues"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2017:
Man, we just have so damned much to do here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers.

All these projects we just HAVE to finish before fall, but Life keeps getting in the way.

Finally have a whole afternoon free, so we know damned well what we've gotta do… Go golfing!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2017:
'Twenty's ways off--won't endorse schmuck fer
pres.! But will de-endorse one huckster
who says he ain't running,
while with prep moves funning--
no way in hell, you mother…Zucker!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2017:
We've warned against this sorta thing, half-jokingly.

Mind you, only HALF jokingly.

In any event, thanks to a movement led by political fussbudgets, we can expect to see in the near future, if not already, now right here in our home county of Cook County… Bootleg soda.

Bootleg freakin' soda.

Why do we bother? Nobody ever freakin' listens to us, but, here you have it. Another "We told you so"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2017:
Though cheer mostly 'gainst Dig'tal Robba'
Baron--really, legalized mob! The
team for which I'm rooting
has me holler-hooting,
"Yeah team! Go, go, go--Alibaba!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2017:
So… Far-RIGHT protesters? The pricks causing the protest and ruckus in Virginia last weekend?

Why are we dignifying them by calling theirs as a POLITICAL position?

If they're any "wing," they're wing-NUTS.

How about far-WRONG?

Drooling, half-brained, barely human sacks-of-shit with legs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2017:
Al Gore, on Bill Maher, near had cow when
urged nix that, last 'lection'd, have 'lowed win
for Dems--'Lect'ral College!
Dems can't move on--Stalled Age--
but this dude's still stuck on 2000!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2017:
The new craze in the music industry is mounting big concerts featuring…dead celebrity musicians.

Well, it's either that or legally keeping the Digital Robber Barons in line and conducting major surgery on the tragic Digital Millennium Copyright Act, so that new musicians might again grow big enough to fill concert arenas and such but, hey, "information wants to be free (you get what you pay for)," right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2017:
Say "food of love's" music? C'mon!
Though of music, certainly fond,
what best sets date mood?
Food of love is…food!
And for my part, I say, "play on"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2017:
When you get halfway through summer--I figure it under the astronomical, as opposed to meteorological, which was a bit over a week ago… Well, you start thinking of the things you want to do before it's over.

In my case, I resolved to take action!

Years from now, when I look back at Summer 2017, I may be able to say I have some regrets, but one of them won't be…eating brats!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2017:
Hot day, child in car, woman did
leave. Child died! Now she's mounting bid
that heat, kids cars notify?
Self-driving cars, AI…
Up next--self-parenting kids?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2017:
Chicago Tribune headline--

"How to Use Your iPhone to Get the Most Out of the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse"

No need to track down the story, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. We can summarize--

Leave your iPhone home.

Enjoy freakin' nature and such. Put the Goddamned thing down for a change…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2017:
Work, summer, crazed--big income source!
Squeeze sun fun in, too--nix remorse!
So, taking the lead,
from "leader" decreed…
Priorities mean…hit golf course!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2017:
So… T-Rump threatens North Korea, causing them to threaten back…then takes credit for talking tough against the threat he goaded?

Kind the propagandist's version of "Choose Your Own Adventure"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2017:
Guy met dame who made his heart flutter!
Pitched crab leg date, on which she puttered!
Those legs! So lip smackin'
that, when they got crackin',
he dipped 'em, toes to thighs, in butter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2017:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that, while we at Daily Limerick get bent outta shape over conflicting political opinions and such, one thing we truly loathe with all the fibers of our beings is racism and anything related to it.

And we don't think we're the only ones.

So… Kathy Griffin doesn't look quite so crazy now, does she?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2017:
Gave warnings, for years--a whole load'a--
War on Smokers set us on road ta'
Big Mother provoking!
Once thought I were joking
but now, for real, face…bootleg soda?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2017:
With recent incidents and, especially, the reaction to them from our fuehrer, folks are… Well, losin' it.

Yes, this is all deeply troubling. And, while there are some solutions--educating people, especially children, speaking up, etc.--racism is a difficult thing to battle. Frustrating, indeed.

But all these folks, mostly white ones we'll add, screaming (or iScreaming) on selfie media and such at white folks who are generally on their "side," often outright blaming them for drooling hate-pricks' behavior… C'mon.

With our personal selfie media bubbles and all, we've known for some time that most of this is, as they say, "preaching to the choir."

But "screaming at the choir"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2017:
Eclipse tips, from headlines I comb--
use iPhone as your helper gnome?
Drink in Nature's splendor!
Pause life-long tech bender--
for once, leave the damned thing at home!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Total Solar Eclipse 2017!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2017:
Hate's plagued Human Race all along--
"alt-right's" dub, new take, same crap song.
Need name that won't dignify
subhuman pricks thereby--
not politics, hate's "alt-wrong"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2017:
So, all you knee-jerk Trump Cultists and other Right-Wing zealots… Still think it's over-the-top comparing T-Rump to Hitler?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2017:
Year has two modes--now 'mid months hot,
thus Things-to-Do List I do plot!
Near summer's end, bet,
'least nix one regret--
stopped ev'rything to indulge…brats!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2017:
My favorite grocery store, a Chicago-area chain, is Jewel.

As circumstances dictate, I most often shop at the Walmart that's only a 5-minute walk away. My favorite Jewel is also within walking distance, but more than double that of Walmart's in length. Nonetheless, I still walk the extra minutes now and again.

There's another Jewel midway on my route home from my primary gig. It was smaller than my fave, but sometimes practical--grab stuff on the way home, save time of a whole extra trip. But that closed, underwent lengthy construction, and has now reopened, in a whole honkin' complex with condos and the cliché gym, tanning salon and God-knows-what else.

But this Jewel is… Well, what I'm calling a Grocery Compound.

Huge. You need a map, perhaps a tour guide, to navigate it.

Another such Grocery Compound, a Mariano's, is just around the corner from me--perhaps a 1-minute walk. But much more pricey than Walmart, so I generally only go there for quick, one-or-two items needed outings.

This is usually milk--best to grab at a convenience store if possible, right nearby, even if you pay more, since it's a heavy item. But the 7-11 across the street closed, the CVS across the street is, well, a freakin' robo-sourced CVS that has recently added the new inconvenience of not accepting cash, so… For milk, it's the damned Mariano's Grocery Compound. Where I have to take an escalator up, then down, a level for a stupid gallon of milk.

It may in fact take just as long to walk back and forth from Walmart for freakin' milk.

Hmm.

In any event, my point is that I'm not a fan of these Grocery Compounds--but I'm obviously in the minority, since they wouldn't be popping up everywhere if most weren't into them.

So I haven't tried this new, between-home-and-work Jewel. Yet. I may…or may not.

I'm honestly afraid of these Compounds…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2017:
Dark path, music, copyright's led
leaves artists struggling to be fed--
much less filling stadium!
Trend, acts who'll play to them?
Musicians who are long dead!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2017:
With Republicans coming forth to denounce Donald Trump's recent zig-heilin', un-muddying somewhat GOP racial attitudes, while also acknowledging that Climate Change is real… Well, the Republican Party is actually IMPROVING under T-Rump.

Now, we're just hoping this forces the same from the Democrats, whose practical platform is pretty much, "Hey, we're NOT the GOP!"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2017:
'Gainst North Korea, turned threat wrench! Stirred
threat back, then talks tough as a censure
and brags--"Tough my hand is!"
For a propagandist,
a type of Choose Your Own Adventure!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2017:
Activist fans are demanding that Donald Trump be removed form the WWE Hall of Fame.

This could be the blow that finally phases the drooling, half-brained, subhuman, racist sack-of-shit with legs.

He doesn't care about real facts and news…but is really into fake news.

So being dissed by a fake sport…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2017:
Jane found getting salad tossed hottest;
her man, Dick, was game but did plot twists--
so frequent, tried messing
with tossed salad…dressing!
(But had to draw line at Green Goddess!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2017:
The once-in-a-lifetime eclipse this past week reportedly drew 10 percent of viewers away from Netflix.

So, do you think it'd take the very moon exploding to draw, say, 20 percent away?

Okay, 15 percent?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2017:
Her stunt, a cheap shot, hack and lazy,
quickly turned career prospects hazy!
Racism? No if-in'
sucks! Now Kathy Griffin
suddenly doesn't seem so crazy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2017:
So Infowars' Alex Jones is claiming that he has definitive proof that Michelle Obama is a man.

Guess that since nobody's even acknowledging the whack job theories about Obama's birth not being in the U.S. anymore, they gotta try and get something, ANYTHING on the Obamas...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2017:
When current events raise folks' ire,
selfie med'ya posts stoke blame pyre!
"Friends" of same mind reaching!
I've sure heard of preaching
but this here's "yelling at the choir"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2017:
Many countries have dummy elections. That is, they're dictatorships and such that have what they call "elections," to make it look like the citizenry has a choice in a "contest" that's really decided, often by nefarious means, well ahead of time.

And we like to think that we in these United States are far different.

But we have the Federal Trade Commission.

A form of dummy anti-trust monitoring, obviously…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2017:
Off-bat, seemed oft same cheap-shot sloppy!
Now, "good peeps"--those who, still, fiend copy?
Does yuge logic jump,
now, comparing Trump
to Hitler still over-the-top be?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2017:
As a child, many of us remember giggling at our parents as they were outraged over the latest TV commercial territory.

"I can't believe they're actually advertising tampons!" for instance.

As each of us grows older, we catch ourselves saying and doing things we used to rib our parents over.

Been getting downright offended over TV ads lately. Well, at least one.

Mike Bloomberg's praising the Cook County (Chicago) "sweetened beverage tax"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2017:
They're opening all around town--
super grocers! Avoid on rounds…
Though seems most folks love 'em,
I'm, frankly, scared of 'em--
not "complexes," full-on compounds!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2017:
Growing older, getting forced, little by little, with time, into healthier eating habits, I've been toying for some time with the idea of doing a little shopping at Whole Foods. Just a little, as they've always been a pricier option and such.

Well, now it looks like they'll be lowering prices but… Case decided.

No way in hell I'm giving my hard earned money to… Ahem…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2017:
Pro "wrestling" saw fit to resort
to mull Trump "Hall of Fame" abort?
Here's one hit that will faze him--
just "news" fake, mind, pays him--
and here's dis' from a fake "sport"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2017:
There are now kids' day camps in the U.S. that teach children about female genital mutilation.

Geez. We only used to have s'mores to look forward to…