Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
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missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: January 2017
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2017:
Countdown's hit Twenty Seventeen!
Though guess it's still big New Year's scene,
since counting Millennium's
doesn't seem any come
close to that--year change thrill's lean!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy New Year's Day 2017!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2017:
We've "anger pollution"! Ill will
from Dems toward bitter Trump Pill!
But where's anger bomb
at Dems lame-duck nom--
somehow for, entitled was Hil?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2017:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall that, about sixteen months ago, I entered the world of online dating.

Chief Limericist, here.

This after, throughout the history of Daily Limerick, and my personal one to boot, I pooh-poohed the whole idea of online dating. And that's putting it mildly. Despite my introverted, writerly personality, and generally remaining hep to the jive technologically.

As time passed, and the stigma vanished, and I remained single, I thought I'd throw my hat into the online dating ring. I mentioned my entry to this new world herein, then mostly remained mum on the subject, save a horrific incident or two that made for interesting reading.

Well, as a Christmas present to myself, I'm officially completely off of the online dating scene.

Yes, it was that horrific.

They say, "Don't knock it 'til you try it."

I did indeed knock it before trying it.

And now I'm knocking the living, screeching hell out of it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2017:
Want cheap goods!... But then we go bats
when jobs go to China for that?
We want to have cake,
eat it--and then shake
the blame when said cake makes us fat!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2017:
With all this talk of a return to the alleged "Good Ol' Days"… Chief Limericist checking in, here.

For me, thinking back to those carefree days as a child… Let's see… Evolution was considered standard classroom curriculum… Likewise, the fact that humanity was messin' up Mother Earth… Prayer in schools; hell no… Abortion was accepted as medically and scientifically valid, already decided by the courts… Hmm.

Doesn't seem like the coming establishment is courting the Good Ol' Days at all…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2017:
For night's meal idea, you're stuck!
Raid freezer… Roast serving? Nyuck, nyuck!
Wrapped in foil; forgot!
Now swell dinner've got!
A solitaire form of potluck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2017:
Growing up, I remember my grandma complaining that, "Chickens just don't have as much flavor as they used to," meaning, for one, that bouillon needed to be added to chicken soup to get the full chicken flavor.

As one prone to making a full-on, whole chicken pot of chicken soup at least once each winter, I heeded this advice. But have always tried to get by on less bouillon--seems to be cheating, somehow.

Realized, the first pot this winter and of 2017, that I'm almost there. Used very little bouillon this time around.

If you're looking for hope, for some reason or another, chickens are where it's at...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2017:
Since, for one, it cheapens that Fate Thing,
whole adult life, shunned online dating…
Can't knock? So tried, year--
it topped my worst fears!
Crushed mojo and stoked masturbating!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2017:
So Steve Martin posts a tribute to Carrie Fisher…and the Internet Peanut Gallery attacks him.

For basically calling her sexy. The object of young 1970s nerds' affection.

So anything whatsoever having to do with physical, sexual attraction is now off limits?

First, we worried that the Internet would fall victim to corporate censorship--legally not censorship proper because it's not government. As if that makes a difference considering… Oh, we've went there too much.

Anyway, so now, Political Correctness is perhaps every bit the villain as corporate censorship.

Remember when this newfangled Internet thing was hailed as a bastion of Free Expression? Guess that's dependent on just what you're expressing, for if it's male sexuality, zip it.

Oh, we've went there too often as well.

Continuing to keep our eyes peeled for those Silver Linings, guess going from a "progressive" presidential regime (for lack of a better term) to…well, the type we're looking at now brings one.

"Liberals," even the elite ones with too much time on their hands, have much bigger fish to fry so this P.C. nonsense will again return to the its cave.

Hell. That's a Golden Lining!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2017:
Some missing "simpler times" use phrase,
but I think their hindsight's in haze!
Schools taught we harm planet
and Darwin, core granite--
that's how I recall "Good Ol' Days"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2017:
So with Republicans taking charge of Congress and the White House, at least until the 2018 elections, ObamaCare is in the crosshairs.

However, they're also planning to replace the Affordable Care Act with something else. Similar but different.

Not changing or tweaking ACA, mind you, but killing it altogether. Then replacing it.

We get the feeling that it's not so much a problem with the idea of healthcare reform, but with the fact that the other partisan team came up with it.

Go ahead and blame The Other Guys. But this hits at the heart of what wrong with this country--and why it ain't lookin' to get better anytime soon…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2017:
Girl all day sent selfies! Though MILF be,
dude in Friend Zone thought needed help, she!
Killed planned intervention
with her new thing--sendin'
him, all day long, "play-with-herselfies"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2017:
We keep reading and hearing folks asserting that 2016 was a terrible, awful year as they bid it "good riddance."

They're mostly focused on, as best as we can tell, the big Election and the flood of dead celebrities.

We didn't find 2016 to be all that awful. Okay, it wasn't the Shining Star Year for most of us here. But there were ugly things, and there were good things. Some great things, actually.

In fact, we'll say 2016 was, albeit average-ish, probably better than most years. Especially considering recent ones.

Yeah, celebrities died, many of whom we were fond of but… So? It's not like we'll be missing the phone calls and coffee dates with any of 'em.

And the Election?... It was a Presidential Election Year. Maybe this one's result was more dire than…well, almost all the rest, but if you were expecting to be happy with the results of any U.S. election… We've got weight loss pills to sell you! No exercise or change in diet needed!...

Happy First Extra Cheezy Saturday of 2017!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2017:
If partisan shift has you whining,
know trend brings opp'site twist, for, pining!
Real threats to soon be
kill trifling P.C.--
not Silver, hell, that's Golden Lining!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2017:
As expected, many Republicans are already balking at President… Sorry, can't do it.

Anyway, they're balking at Fuhrer Trump's hard-on to repeal ObamaCare, at least without some other healthcare plan in place.

Meanwhile, Trump's twitting away, priorities in order…goading Arnold Schwarzenegger over "Apprentice" ratings lower than when he captained the "reality" show.

Now, it's an accepted fact that people enjoy watching disasters, if guiltily--it's called the "train wreck" thing.

But we gotta admit, with guilt of our own, that we're sorta entertained at the very idea of being, as citizens subject to his whackadoodle-ness, an actual part of this particular "train wreck"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2017:
Trump, Congress goal, right off the bat--
repeal the ACA, and stat…
but then, well, replace it?
Whole reason, let's face it's,
'cause idea was Democrats'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2017:
For all the guy's alleged hatred of political correctness, Trump's sure trying to make the media, science, our country and, hell, the whole world into his own "safe space"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2017:
Steve Martin penned post for confessin'--
Carrie Fisher, teen boy crush blessin'!
Boy, he took a beating! The
'Net, selfie media
brings Freedom FROM some Expression!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2017:
Spam shilling "protection from sharks"?

We know that spam is a form of window into society, but have we all of a sudden become far more adventurous than we're aware of? Flashlights that can fall from helicopters, shark repellent?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2017:
Grandma's take, mod chickens, still stick in
head, "Less taste, need bouillon to thicken!"
But as big soup maker,
using less, Sloop's shaker!
Need sign of hope? Look to the chickens!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2017:
Once, upon making a package of egg rolls my dinner, as I'm known to do, a friend pooh-poohed the idea.

"I like egg rolls but…by themselves?"

I've done this before with other items meant to be "appetizers." Potato pancakes, cocktail wieners, even French fries.

I refuse to buy into culinary conformity!

I guess you'd call this making mere "appetizers" into… "Appet-nators"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2017:
Seems everybody does say,
Twenty-Sixteen sucked--dreary grey!
Trump won…but starts THIS year!
Stars died, tons--but it's clear
were not in our lives anyway!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2017:
Sorry, but even though the guy's done some acclaimed stuff lately-ish, we'll never be able to take Ben Affleck seriously again.

It started with the media oversaturation spotlight on him and J-Lo but, even though that coupling is long over, it somehow just went too far, leaving no turning back.

Same with J-Lo, though we never took her seriously to begin with. Not that we ever took Ben all that seriously either, but… And speakin' of ladies who became objects of our Chief Limericist's distant affection, the same can be said for Beyoncé.

Guess it's the typical "oversaturation brings backlash" phenom, only we're just now realizing there's no return from this for the celeb in question.

Tying to come back from a fame backlash can at best bring…a fame backwash, we guess?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2017:
One thing to gawk, scene gone to heck
for others, where it ain't your neck,
but what strange sensation
to watch my own nation,
with guilty thrill, become train wreck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2017:
Nickname of perverted young man
was "Returning Soldier," 'cause plan
was flashing chicks stalked,
thus he often walked
around with a discharge in hand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2017:
Not matter how often or frequently you deal with the situation, it depresses the hell outta you.

You know their days are numbered, but you stick with 'em, do your best to pretend nothing's wrong. Really gets to you.

Huh? No, not talking about a PERSON--we mean experiencing yet another publication's print version's countdown to ceasing publication…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2017:
Bash Trump--and he twitts on your case!
Inconvenient facts--tries erase!
For guy who "hates P.C."
seems rather strange that he
seeks to make whole world his "safe space"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2017:
As might be expected from our first "reality" TV president, we'll be seeing a push for greater acceptance of…cosmetic enhancements, of sorts.

Well, at least "news implants"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2017:
On King Day, with setbacks may seem
his Vision's a constant fight deemed
'gainst ignorance, hate--
but stronger is Fate
and Love from we who still share Dream.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2017:
New spam I'm perpet'ally fighting?
Bracelet to repel sharks from biting?
With flashlights, steeled freeze-scalding
or from airplane falling,
spam sure thinks our lives exciting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2017:
Here's a question for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--

Which would you rather attend, for sheer, um, entertainment value, so to speak… A junior high/middle school talent show or…Trump's inauguration concert?

Tough one, ain't it?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2017:
Likes of egg rolls, French fries, most feel
as app'tizers, side dish appeal,
but bachelor meals plans
for me prove one man's
appetizer's 'nother man's meal!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2017:
Hate it when you're cooking and add too much of an ingredient or condiment--say, soy sauce to your fried rice.

Tastes terrible, but you're starving, don't wanna be wasteful, too much trouble to reconnoiter another dinner… Just have to eat it anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2017:
Makes Schroeder, as Peanuts fans know,
Beethoven's Birthday fandango!
So this keyboard tickler
is celebrant stickler
for hero Edgar Allan Poe! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2017:
Here's question--which show'd more glom hurt
on eardrums, taste with stage bomb's blurts?…
Assortment of acts for
grade school talent show or
Trump's inauguration concert?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2017:
Read about a trend among Chicago hair salons where they're eliminating "gender-based" pricing.

Now, that's all well and good, except that… Aren't women's hair needs a whole lot more complicated than men's?

Of course, there are exceptions. Can see these joints charging more for things like, rather than gender, exactly what's done hair-wise and… Oh, fuck it.

Anybody out there reading the news?

Really, eliminating gender-based hair salon pricing is high on the Progressive Urgency List now?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2017:
Words like, "fetish," "horndog" unfurl,
but with all the hate in this world,
toward those much diff'rent,
rather than fear, itchin'--
proud of it--to show love through swirl!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2017:
Over the years, as one who regularly balances my bank statement--Chief Limericist, here--I need to enter a correction every now and then, despite being painstakingly vigilant about entering all debits and credit.

That is, despite checking and rechecking all transactions, my balance doesn't agree with that given from the bank.

This is exceedingly rare, happening maybe one to three times per year, I guess? And it's always a teensy amount, sometimes a penny, rarely a dollar or more--largest amount I remember a statement being off was four bucks and change.

I've always just made a correction in my records when I reach a point of sufficient frustration and, from there, ensuing months balance just fine. I've generally figured that, against the bank's computers, I'm the human element, thus probably the source of mistake, and I also figure it's a minuscule amount, silly to haggle over.

But recently, and don't know why it's taken me so long to ponder this angle… Well, in the movie "Office Space," the protagonists enacted some scheme whereby a penny or pennies was taken from every paycheck or transaction or whatever over a course of time. A small enough amount to escape notice but one that really added up in the ended with copious transactions or paychecks or what-have-you. (Been a while since I've seen the flick, hence light details.)

So now, if this curious balance problem is happening to others, perhaps all bank customers--and, stupefying as it may seem to me, I now realize that many don't even bother with balancing bank statements… Well, this could add up to some serious ass cash for banks.

If the banks are doing this on purpose.

So, there's the paranoia/conspiracy theorist thing I naturally try to avoid falling into and yet… Banks.

We're talking about BANKS.

Hmm…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2017:
Since with J-Lo, hype flew like flak rash,
'spite since noted talented knacks flashed,
though many a year pass,
can't take Affleck ser'yas--
hit No Return point in the backlash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2017:
There's no shortage of serious complaints about Donald Trump as president. As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, however, we try to focus on things, or at least angles, that aren't explored copiously elsewhere.

And we came to a frightening realization about this Trump stuff recently.

Read about the current playoffs and how stars among the currently Super Bowl-contending teams have "reality" TV connections.

The article in question declared "reality" TV as becoming mainstream acceptable, bolstering its argument by pointing out that the President of the United States now has a "reality" TV connection.

Even the burgeoning phenom of fake news seems inconsequential when you consider that our political system, hell our whole society, has entered the realm of fake reality...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2017:
Relief from Life's knocks, 'gain for wishin';
one more in path of Reaper's mission…
Not friend/fam, this theft,
but awaiting death
of 'nother fave rag's print edition!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2017:
With only 10 days until Groundhog Day, wondering if, this year, the chubby rodent's shadow will foretell whether or not it's only six weeks until…Trump has a full, confirmed cabinet…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2017:
It's not propaganda and rants,
but facts cosmetic'lly enhanced!
Global warming--lipo'd!
Vote count--Botox hypo'd!
Fake news--bodacious news implants!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2017:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Finally did…er, a deed, of sorts, last weekend. Coppin' to it here.

Yeah, I'm rather late to the table, being…well, of Generation X, we'll say. Wanted, of course, for my first time to have been many, many moons ago. Call me a putz and whatever other names you can muster but, hey, can't change the past, I've done it now.

I'm no longer a virgin…at protests…

Okay, penned the above just before heading out to this protest/rally and, turns out, it didn't happen.

Perhaps it did happen, at a different location, changed last-minute or something, and I wasn't in the know. Or the group gathered somewhere else and blustered their way into the intended location.

But I couldn't get to the location. Dirty rat coppers not letting anyone through.

Nonetheless, I consider this breaking my protest cherry.

Not the only person who just went through the motions his/her first time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2017:
Make, say, fried rice and, to complete it,
add soy--whoops!--with too much, mouth greeted!
But starving and, 'course, sans,
some alternate meals planned
you've really no choice but to eat it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2017:
Made burritos last week.

Homemade filling, five pounds of ground beef plus three of refried beans, huge amounts, bachelor-style for copious leftovers.

Hadn't done this since fall. Which is what scares me.

Last time I did the burrito thing, had a horrible date.

Oh, hell, the way things are going for me, guess you could say I had a typical date.

I don't know how, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, food is being hopelessly entwined in my dating life, but indeed it is…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2017:
'Long Trump's rise to power, did see,
groups feeling legitimacy--
white pow'r, sci'nce denial…
Group o'er I'm most riled?
Damned "stars" of "real'ty" TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2017:
Find it interesting to note that, for the Inauguration Day protests in Chicago, the Socialist Workers held theirs 3-5 p.m.

Not like full-on Socialists have somewhere to be on a weekday afternoon…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2017:
What's that? I'm still hearin' the moans
'bout word choice, P.C. knee-jerk drones?
Folks, get with the grind!
This regime, these times,
on plus side, mean mind sticks and stones!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2017:
One of Trump's targets, maybe further down on his radar, what with more important matters like inauguration attendance numbers top priority, is legalized abortion.

He and his followers view this as blasphemy that's only growing worse, as shown in… Well, statistics showing that abortion rates are at their lowest since Roe vs. Wade.

Ah, the many still unlearned nuances of Prohibition's lessons… Let us count the ways...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2017:
Tall girls are my muse--keep me rhymin'!
Tall--taller than I--'mid-rough diamonds!
Tall, way up in air!
Wear heels, too--don't care!
My fave R&R's mountin'/climbin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2017:
NPR Headline--

"Hiring Freeze, ObamaCare Repeal Could Clobber Veterans Affairs"

What do ya' know? Yet another "alternative" definition for "patriotism"!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2017:
Though status, in mod times, bit rare be,
'twas not 'cause, in shyness, found scary…
Quite recent, let urge win!
So no longer virgin--
I went and popped my…protest cherry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2017:
Seeing a lot of blather from the Faux News Right about an effort by the Media and Hollywood to "delegitimize" Donald Trump's presidency.

Seems Trump himself deserves most of the credit for that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2017:
Fox News, his supporters in snit,
claim forces paint Trump de-legit--
Hollywood and Media!
From what I see, seems, uh,
Trump's doin' best job of it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2017:
Some will say--many, actually, including then-outgoing President Obama--that it's best to simply wish President…er, Fuhrer Trump good luck, and hope the same for the country.

But sometimes it's best, in our opinion, for someone or something to just… Well, hit rock bottom. Only way to learn a lesson about dangerous and reckless actions, so that the person/entity at least thinks twice--or three or four times--before doing such things again.

To use some annoying parlance, we're not gonna serve as enablers here.

Tough love for the nation, folks.

Bring on the disaster…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2017:
Inaugural protests, did see,
the Socialist Workers' at 3.
Weekday afternoon
they're up for such doin's--
not like there's place those cats need be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2017:
Washington Post headline--

"Trump's Blunt, Hearst Rhetoric Hasn't Softened from the Campaign Trail, Speech Experts Say"

Oh, what would we ever do without "experts"?...