Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: July 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2017:
A kinky-ass fellow named Darby
hit barbecues, whether near, far be!
Chick Barb'ra, at one, made eyes;
found her toes cute, fun-sized…
Partook of shrimp on the Barbie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2017:
From certain angles, a nose ring can look like hanging snot.

If you, like us, are perpetually seeking reasons as to why so many find nose rings attractive…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2017:
Of Trump, now see many a mention,
his "greatest vic'try" due to wrenchin',
from SCOTUS, his travel ban!
Greatest V, though's, as planned…
Check news? Got constant attention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2017:
Some old sayings and terms will stick around forever, even if they're no longer relevant when taken literally.

"Don't count your chickens until they're hatched," for instance. Rather small portion of the population keeps chickens these days, but the old saw still does the jobs.

Others, like "A stitch in time saves nine"? Well, they may still see occasional usage, but they're too obscure to see regular language rotation.

And, in some cases, modern updates can be found for them. Take the phrase, "Chinese fire drill."

Time to replace that one with, "GOP healthcare bill drill"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2017:
Among piercing fan crowd, I'm not--
don't hate, but think make one less hot!
Grasping to explain craze,
caught nose ring in off gaze…
Are folks turned-on by look of snot?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2017:
Read about a company employing smartphone-combing algorithms, instead of resumes, for hiring.

Makes sense. Then the robots learn all the more about the jobs they'll eventually take from you…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2017:
Fourth of July, all of us, fun see!
Fireworks after 'cuein' 'neath sun be!
Though we hate each other,
one way, sisters brothers--
we all unite loving our country!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2017:
'Spite modern times sounding death knell,
Chinese Dog Meat Fest, this year, gelled.
Though rather grim scene,
on bright side, this means…
Still dirt cheap fare at Taco Bell!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2017:
One week until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

Hit Windy City Rib Fest last weekend, a fave summer staple I usually make each year.

It occurred to me that, while a lot of people go to these things as an excuse to get outdoors, mix with others, hear music, with the food just an extra… Well, I hit these for the food, with everything else as icing on the cake. Especially WCRF…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2017:
There's old term, for runaround mill
of chaos, confusion--use still!
"Chinese fire drill"! Facing
lost meaning! Replace thing
with the "GOP healthcare drill"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2017:
Six days until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

So T-Rump sends in the Feds to (he he) stop Chicago violence.

We're strangely reminded of a quote from Chicago's Richard J. Daley during the 1968 Democratic National Convention's protest mishandling--

"The police are not here to CAUSE disorder, the police are here to PRESERVE disorder.

Cops did a good job of it then and guessin' they will this time, too…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2017:
Chicago in full violent state--
send Feds in and all will be great?
This kinda "relief"
from Peabrain in Chief
has me think "1968"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2017:
Five days until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

Who the hell does Silicon Valley think it is? Fox News?

On the bright side, guess sexual harassment, at least, is now a bipartisan thing…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2017:
There once was a food-obsessed dude;
befriended nymph boss in fast food!
Each order of thighs
made him super-size--
curled arches of all the damned crew!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2017:
Four days until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

A lot of speculation is still going on about why the Democrats lost the last Presidential Election. And why they're still struggling, despite perhaps the least popular president in history, with all the special elections.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've bitched ourselves about how everybody should just shut up about it already. But any assertion like that comes with an asterisk--unless one can add something new to the discussion.

And we can.

Oh, Hillary was certainly a reason. As was the fact that Democrats have largely coasted on simply NOT being the Republicans. And, of course, not focusing on the economy… There are other reasons you've heard and read, all with some validity.

But as an institution that prides itself on remaining outside the preaching-to-the-choir bubbles most of the rest of the world dwells in, with friends/family on all sides of the wider political discourse, we've isolated one beef against the Dems that we can't argue with, in fact agree with--pushing people around.

That includes stuff like ramming transgender rights down the public gullet, calendar monuments after gays rapidly obtained the right to marry. (We support these rights, and history heads naturally in that direction, but society at large is a bit slow on the uptake.) Also, Michelle Obama's nagging the nation into exercise. And now with big cities cracking down on "sweetened beverages" and, what, salt taxes next? The Big Mother movement.

But this trend arose via one milestone, starting with what we like to call the Al Gore Democrat. Reefer Madness II: Legal Weed (Tobacco).

We don't mean the Public Service Announcements and educating the public, to some extent, about smoking's dangers, etc., et. al. But the Democrats' elitist hissy fit that consenting adults weren't following the same health choices as they…which also, curiously, led to the first modern day, fake news.

The Democrats' impotence all began with Secondhand Science…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2017:
Forget resumes! Algorithms
are now making hiring decisions!
Employers conspiring--
have robots do hiring,
these jobs, 'fore replacing you with 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2017:
Three days until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

You know, it makes a lot more sense to engage in FALL cleaning than spring cleaning.

Seriously, as it starts to get colder, less and less sunlight all the time, THAT'S the ideal time to stay inside dusting and sweeping and wiping and such.

'Least that's the way we see it here in the Daily Limerick, er, Towers…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2017:
Seems Silicon Valley, top brass gents,
on down, 'tudes to women quite crass bent!
The think they're Fox News?
CAN team-up, Reds-Blues!
(At least on sexual harassment!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2017:
Two days until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

So the "reality" show "Big Brother"… Okay, we've harped many times in the past about how its simply Godawful, even by "reality" TV standards, and just keeps coming back, again and again.

But isn't the point of such shows to present a situation that's unique, or in some other way worthy of watching?

How is the concept of cameras everywhere any different than our current, day-to-day life?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2017:
Though spring's season which for we deem thing,
in opp'site direction we're leaning!
Clean whole place before
the seasons outdoors?
Makes lot more sense to do FALL cleaning!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2017:
One day until Daily Limerick turns Eighteen!...

Facebook recently hit 2 billion users.

That's a whole lotta people-in fact, almost one quarter of the world's population.

Where have we seen similar numbers?... Hmm… That's right--the Black Plague!

Whole lotta similarities there, actually…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2017:
Most hit a rib fest to fit mood--
outdoors, summer, social, get stewed!
Thus, ribs mere excuse
to get out, let loose!
But me? I go first for the food!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old--today!...

Summertime cooking grind always gets me thinkin' on new meals.

Hot dogs were a regular for a while. But since I like Polish sausage better, now use the bun-size of those instead.

Both go nicely with pork and beans, so, yeah, another now-grind.

Always thinkin'… Mulled chili dogs and… Voila!

The chili Polish, my friends…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2017:
A "real" TV show should be rife
with odd sitches, conflict and strife!
"Big Brother's" still on the air?
Peg's cam'ras everywhere?
How's that NOT everyday life?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of yesterday!)...

Been reading up on the bastards who are gonna take all of our jobs eventually?... Huh? No, robots, artificial intelligence, what have you. Specifically, in this instance, self-driving cars.

One of the biggest obstacles cited is people's resistance, in which case these essays and such counter that human beings have a much higher rate of error than anything computerized.

Now, if you've ever driven an automobile as a regular form of travel or, hell, if you've lived among people for any significant amount of time… Well, that sure as hell ain't sayin' much…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2017:
At two billion users now pegged,
Facebook counterpart grows less vague--
world pop'lation, one-in-four,
one trait, but many more…
Reminds me much of Black Plague!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

Finally, at least in a Letter to the Editor of the Chicago Tribune, somebody says what we've been thinking all along--

Stop covering Trump's twits!

Not that we expect this to actually happen.

See, although Obama was on Twitter himself, he used it kinda like we do--because we're all pushed into thinking we HAVE to do so, in this day and age.

Twitter, however, isn't a legitimate forum for such things. Twitter's more a legitimate forum for… Er… Um… Perhaps… No… We'll tell you when we figure that one out...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2017:
There once was a 12-year-old, Phil. He
had thoughts o'er friend's mom turn filthy!
To aid his forearm flex
with Mental Rolodex,
one day while she sunbathed, took MILFie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

A group of newspapers in uniting in asking the government for anti-trust exemptions to compete with the Digital Robber Baron likes of Google.

This sounds like a good idea on its face, what with Amazon opening grocery stores and Facebook looking to enter the housing industry in Silicon Valley.

Except that these are newspaper giants we're talking about--including the Washington Post, owned now by Amazon.

And, really, is it really a good idea to fight anti-trust crimes…by spurring more anti-trust crime (legally dubbed so or not)?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2017:
Self-driving cars, AI and such?
Folks fear these things could fail in clutch!
Tech says fail rate seeing
far beats human beings'--
but, really, that ain't sayin' much!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

So Kid Rock is officially running for the senate in Michigan.

Maybe five, ten years ago, this would be delightful fodder for late night TV and humorists in general.

Now? The news here is that this is really NOT news.

In the "reality" TV joke that American politics has become… Well, of COURSE Kid Rock's running for office.

We're just waiting for the first Kardashian to join him…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2017:
Though forum's for common Joe ditz,
Press wallows in them, causing fits!
Bring old saw in play--
ignore; goes away!
Stop covering Fuhrer Trump's twits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

Next up speaking out against the GOP's ObamaCare replacement plan… Big Health Insurance?

Holy crap. If Big Health Insurance calls your plans cruel and heartless, the only entity more evil left to denounce it would have to be… Satan?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2017:
News group, for Google ad hoard smitin',
begs anti-trust pass for the fightin'?
'Mong, Post, though's, now Amazon's!
Just diff hue shammed upon--
Clash of Robber Baron Titans!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

So Shia Lebeouf was arrested. Again with the the drunken antics.

Went on a racist tirade this time.

And… Well, you can see this comin', can't you?

Cries "addiction."

For the zillionth time, folks. Addiction may gain you some sympathy, of course…for a little while. If you make a valiant effort to conquer it, anyway.

But not for behavior, even while drunk, that's non-intoxicant related.

See, while alcohol has many effects on the body--loss of balance and general muscle control, blurred vision, etc., the implanting of racist thoughts and words into the mind and mouth of an otherwise non-racist person is NOT among these…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2017:
A summer time meal has a goal--dish
that's easy, 'waveable or cold. This,
for me, means much chili dogs.
Get clever, to 'void slog…
Friends, I present… Chili Polish!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2017:
Daily Limerick is now Eighteen Years Old! (As of July 12th!)...

Been eating a lot of snack mix lately. The now-snacking classic that began as Chex Mix.

Delightful combo. The ingredients differ a bit, brand to brand and such, but one ingredient most have, one of my personal faves, is those little rye bread, garlicky crisps.

The various mixes are universally stingy with the rye crisps. In fact, I've often thought they should add more of them.

So when I spied an offering from one of the big snack mix brands of just rye crisps, I had to snatch 'em up.

It was heavenly, popping pure rye crisps…for a few handfuls.

Then, with snack mix as a staple lately, I started beefing up the snack mix handfuls with a greater amount of rye crisps and… Likewise heavenly. For a few handfuls.

Don't think I'll buy another bag of pure rye crisps.

There's yet another Life Lesson Through Snacking in this tale, somewhere…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2017:
So Kid Rock is now throwing his
hat into 'lection ring? Gee, whiz,
mere five years ago'd be news--
odd sort, shock and amuse.
These days? Why, of COURSE he is!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2017:
To those out there advocating Net Neutrality while at the same time using Amazon and/or Google… Hmm. What would be a good metaphor here?

Perhaps you're guzzling a beverage without realizing it's spiked with the Kool-Aid?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2017:
GOP's healthcare masturbatin'
adds Big Insur'nce to list, those hatin'?
If THOSE evil ghouls
find this health plan cruel,
next naysay'r can only be…Satan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2017:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Walking down the street the other day, overheard a guy blathering on about how "all the blacks and Jews and yadda yadda blah blah are no good" and that "Hitler had it right."

Turned to look at the source. A white guy seated on a park bench, accompanied by two similar white comrades, filthy as all hell, large cup out for the beggin', busying himself busting up cigarette butts and rolling them into new smokes.

Story provides its own analysis.

Riffraff supremacists?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2017:
On date Dillinger was shot dead,
note some think the Lady in Red
tipped him off--her gal, she--
and took shot, her alley,
becoming his Lady in Bed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2017:
So Google, to compete with Facebook, is now entering the "interest curation" game.

This is basically… You know how Facebook gives you a little feed on the side of your window with what's trending?

In simpler terms, Google is joining the "fake news curation" game…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2017:
So Shia LeBeouf, 'gain I read,
nailed, drunk tear-rant--racist things said!
Played Addict Card? Buzzin'
clouds judgment but doesn't
put racist thoughts in mouth and head!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2017:
Seen a lot of bars marketing in Chicago lately as being "speakeasies."

Ahem.

First of all, by definition, a speakeasy can only arise when alcohol is illegal. Guess we could let it slide if something else illegal was going on in an establishment.

Also, well, a tavern MARKETING itself as a "speakeasy" is… Well, we know that, due to fake news and the Digital Robber Barons, we're in an Internet Dark Ages but… Still, we trust that some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can spot what's wrong here…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2017:
Support, Net Neutrality's, thick ye?
Petitions, posts--for cause, like brick be…
yet use Google, Amazon?
One eye's got blinder on--
you're drinking a Kool-Aid Mickey! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2017:
Do we really need a week to celebrate freakin' lawyers?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2017:
Overheard street folks ranting. Twist?
"Hitler's right--blacks, Jews, nemesis"?
Consid'ring the source
of blath'rings so coarse…
So what? "Riffraff supremacists"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2017:
We keep reading about so-called Millennials being more comfortable communicating with emoji, GIFs, stickers and such than actual language.

Holding off on cracks about spelling, grammar, etc. being sooo last century… Ahem.

This all fits into our theory about the Human Race de-evolving.

Next up--hieroglyphics!

On deck from there--stick figures on cave walls! Okay, on iCave walls… And, really, seems many of 'em are walking around in earbud-enforced iCaves already, anyway…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2017:
Chex Mix--staple, my snacking fare!
But often find rye chips too rare,
so spied whole bag, snagged, rye'd Mix…
Too heavy, rye chip fix!?
There's a Life lesson in there…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2017:
Got what I'd otherwise call a Dirty Little Secret here…except it's not really a secret. People are in denial.

That's because it puts two beloved summer staples together but… Well--

Hotdogs on the grill are terrible.

Admit it. Hotdogs are delightful steamed, of course. And with chili and otherwise. But the grill just dries the damned things out.

Sausages can be just fine on the grill, but they're good and thick. Not hotdogs.

Don't mind us. Nothin' to see here. Just bludgeoning sacred cows...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2017:
Just when'd the Dem Party turn joke?
Platform's, "We're not GOP blokes"?
Push all 'round--compliance!
Fictionalized "science"…
Early fake news--"secondhand smoke"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2017:
With the probable coming onslaught of self-driving cars, bicycles are going to also have to start talking to them, according to "experts" in such things.

Hmmm.

Let's just take a wild guess about who's gonna have to be wired into self-driving cars next. Could it be… Pedestrians? AKA Human Beings?

Also just read that China is now utilizing Artificial Intelligence, face recognition, etc. to predict what individuals may be about to commit crimes.

We keep saying that people need to be reading old, classic science fiction books but, hey, pay no attention to the crackpots who actually question life-altering technology rather than blindly indulging it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2017:
Now Google works "Interest Curation"
to catch Facebook's "trending" sensation?...
That's low right, Facebook, appears,
just news you want to hear--
AKA "Fake News Creation"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2017:
Had to TCB at Chicago's Richard J. Daley Center recently. Yeah, the one with the Picasso.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Afternoons, I carry a former Snapple bottle around, in which I make my own iced tea, in my old school, boxy briefcase.

Went through the scanners and they made me toss out my tea bottle.

"No glass bottles."

I'd much prefer to have an attacker come at me with a glass bottle than with an old school briefcase.

But go ahead and feel safe with all the security regulations we've enacted, if you can…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2017:
Café, mistake, leg shift, and put Bea
right into Floyd's lap her bare footsie!
His fly'd open lingered;
eyes, smiles met, so finger-
like toes jacked his creamer on tootsies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2017:
When you're the owner of a mall, you employ security guards, right?

Individual stores within your mall may employ their own security, but issues like theft become a community concern, such that a form of pooling efforts is wise. In fact, a retail outlet would be stupid to set up in a mall without overall security.

And yet, under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, Internet Service Providers, managers of the biggest online shopping mall ever, shirk any and all responsibility for things like piracy.

Of course, few understand this situation, just glad to get low, low, LOW prices via certain monopolies (the same thing driving all our jobs overseas, brick-and-mortar wise), we being in an Internet Dark Ages, whether anybody but us wants to admit it or not…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2017:
Though perfectly built as destroyers,
that "Shark Week" still serves as annoyer!
As world is, we need 'em
but, best? Love-hate, greet 'em!
Need whole week to celebrate…lawyers?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2017:
Figured out one big reason we're not a fan of this new 3D animation business.

Okay, sure, some of it's resistance to change. Growing up with mostly 2D animation. (With some claymation, which somehow is an exception to the phenom we're about to point out.)

Now, this isn't as bad with non-human characters, but somehow 3D, animated humans are just creepy as all hell… Don't know why, but they sure as shit are…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2017:
Bars marketing, now, as "speakeasies"?
A true one, of course, the bee's knees'd be…
But, by definition,
need first Prohibition
so these days, "speakeasy" sleaze plea be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2017:
Chief Limericist here.

In my iCalendar, I keep track of personal milestones, historic anniversaries and such, toward the end of filling in some sort of "holiday" for every day of the year.

Well, I've backed off on this quest in recent years, but it indeed began long before I ever had an "iCalendar."

This habit includes the birthdays of famous folks, which, I only recently realized, brings a jesting opportunity in the form of a challenge. Take Aug. 26, for example--

"Blake Edwards, Aldous Huxley and Mick Jagger walk into a bar…"