Daily Limerick
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(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: March 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2017:
I find the buffet damned near holy!
But, as vet, some rules must extol! Be
en guarde for mouth "yikes!"
from green lookalikes--
the wasabi and guacamole!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2017:
So Taco Bell ads now, describing its latest sorta Mexican-ish culinary abomination, actually use the word "dangerous."

Now, we know they're using the term to capture a daring, secret agent kinda feel, but… Dudes. Hits far too close to home…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2017:
So, next step, iPhone evolution's,
3D selfies? Final Solution
to each man, dame, child
not yet selfie wild?
Folks, we now face "selfie pollution"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2017:
Used to be, when somebody said, "Some of my best friends are black/Jewish/etc.," it was a pretty good sign they were at least a little racist.

Apparently, the jig is up.

The new phrase is, "I'm the least racist/anti-Semitic/etc. guy you'll ever know."

Not that we're thinking of any specific person in the news here, mind you…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2017:
At Oscars, wins named from votes tallied
and many a speech dilly-dallied--
in one subject, basked!
Leading me to ask--
awards show…or anti-Trump rally? 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2017:
With the growing threat of fake news joining concerns about so-called media bias in buzz around the International Water Cooler, curiously little is said about the main problem with the media today--

The news is decimated. Largely thanks to the Digital Robber Barons--Amazon, Flakebook, Google--but, mostly, thanks to We The People demanding cheap books and free news.

Okay, on the New York Times, Washington Post side the complaint is "liberal bias." From Fox News, the Wall Street Journal side, "conservative bias."

Thing is, these publications certain ARE overwhelmingly liberal/conservative…in their commentary. But the actual news stories of each aren't so different.

By and large people don't understand this, because there's a problem perhaps even larger than all these others with the media.

The state of information in our poorly named Age of Information is so bad, people don't even know what the hell news IS anymore…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2017:
A frisky young cowgirl named Nash
met, at saloon over sour mash,
handsome cowboy Hough
and, soon, she rode off
into the sunset…on his 'stash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2017:
As his way of protesting the reign of Fuhrer Trump, Patrick Stewart is planning to move…to the U.S.A.

See, Stewart is a British citizen.

Gotta say, whether or not he actually comes through, a lot more brave than fleeing to Canada…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2017:
At Trump, so much backlash has flared,
I overhear folks, out, here, there,
who backlash backlash--
like just 'cause so bashed…
The backlash has launched backlash squared!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2017:
So both Mike Pence and new EPA Chief Scott Pruitt were nabbed using personal e-mail accounts for government business?

Somehow not seeing this portrayed as the Great Evil it was with Hillary Clinton being caught at it.

And (he hee) turns out Pence actually still has a freakin' AOL account...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2017:
Both sides say we've "biased" News Biz?
Real problem's whole industry's fizz!
Pundits ain't, gals, blokes,
"news"… Why bother! Folks
no longer know what real news IS! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2017:
So Fuhrer Trump's tossing around the word, "Winning"?

Kinda like… Charlie Sheen?

We'll leave it at that…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2017:
Patrick Stewart, to fight Trump knavery,
says he'll…move to U.S.? New rave, we see!
Must say, with most "plans" of the
stars to go Canada,
this scheme, if true'd, 'least take bravery!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2017:
There's an experimental technique, tDCS--a long acronym for sending an electric shock to the brain to improve thinking/studying/etc., also called "brain hacking," although it doesn't, you know, "hack" the brain in the widely understood definition of the word.

At this point in time.

You know--Chief Limericist checking in, here--I surmised the invention of a Smart Brain Chip in my sci-if book, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton" (see below, and above) but, as I find myself pointing out far too often as time trudges on, I was only kidding… Wildly exaggerating for comic effect… Right?... Seriously, RIGHT?...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2017:
Through Taco Bell's doors, sometimes roam--
late, tired, broke or munchie-mouth foamed!
But new ads rings strange for this--
tongue-in-cheek "dangerous"?
Dudes, just hits too close to home! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2017:
So… Sandwiches with the crust trimmed off of the bread--this is the kiddie norm now?

Growing sense of entitlement among the younger generations?

Hmm.

We recall being taught to avoid wastefulness, ourselves.

We say we nip this in the bud!... Okay, try nipping it as it flowers?... Aw, hell, next thing you know we'll be prattling on about how we used to get a steak dinner, with all the trimmin's--plus a cigar, pie, bottle of wine and a hooker--for a nickel…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2017:
Pence nabbed using e-mail pell-mell
'tween self and gov! Won't see same hell
as, for same, saw Hil!
What gets me? He's still--
last man on Earth?--on AOL?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2017:
Why the hell does Obama even bother taking the time and effort to officially "deny" Trump's wiretap claims?

Do we get bent outta shape arguing with the Flat Earth Society?

Guy's in his own little world… The presidential, paranoid version of Walter Mitty…

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2017:
There's fight now 'gainst "gender-based" hex!
Sure, jobs, pricing… Just fear what's next
in this quest for Neutered World!
Please, before front's unfurled,
leave us with gender-based sex!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2017:
There's apparently now a "fake Ryan Gosling."

So we've gotta have "alternative" versions of freakin' everything now?

Who does Gosling think he is--the Trump Administration?...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2017:
Now jelly, that sweet breakfast spread,
and hookers, with office a bed,
have something in common!
'Fact, whole purpose, glom on--
you see, folks, they both spread for bread!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2017:
Fuhrer Trump has announced that, if this complex quest for a new federal healthcare thing fails, he'll blame the Democrats.

Seriously, dude. While you obviously have a problem with what is and what isn't news… Well, this ain't.

When you ever actually take the blame for something yourself, T-Rump, that'll be news…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2017:
Tale for those on misguided Mission
to "save" healthcare from gov. collision--
doc's word came to me
phone, mail, Web AND e-!
Just how's this "free market" efficient?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2017:
Read about an open mic show in Chicago dubbed a "judgment-free zone."

Usually performers attend open mics to get feedback on new material. So this means… Hmm.

Fake news, meet "fake applause"!...

Check out Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman new Gonzo e-short on his Smashwords account, "The Night I Partied with President Trump: An Alt-True Story"! Ninety-nine cents--cheap! (In addition to a free preview of his new sci-fi novel/series, "The Cosmic Misadventures of Floyd Pinkerton," and more!)--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/706133

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2017:
Old buzzword, re-enters pop scene!
From source, we can see what this means--
with odd def of "winning,"
the reign's just beginning
of Presidential Charlie Sheen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2017:
I attended a move premiere recently--Chief Limericist, here; flick was a small-timer in which I appeared.

During this movie, the on-screen action led me to clap, but I sorta had something in my lap and… Well, I clapped a bit like a seal.

Curiously enough, though, nobody's talking about it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2017:
To tweak mind, there now this "brain hack"--
your noggin's electro-shock jacked?
Are side effects funky?
Who cares--we're tech junkies!
Invent, we use--no turning back!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2017:
Now, we here at Daily Limerick aren't the superstitious sorts. In fact, we're firmly in the skeptic camp.

This means that, while we believe in a God or Gods (though we're not sure about Fred the Intern), we don't believe in the existence of a Devil.

Until we contemplate Humanity's otherwise inexplicable acceptance of this ridiculous Daylight Savings Time ritual. This simply has to be the work of some ultra-powerful, preternaturally Evil being.

Seriously. If we want the extra sunlight this bad, let's just leave the Goddamned clocks where they are now, for good. We're already doing it for eight months of the year, anyway…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2017:
Make kid sandwich--and cut off crust?
Wasteful, diva-like--but now must?
Millenn'yals, from diapers,
here find ster'yotype stirred--
entitled wallowers in fuss?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2017:
I eat a lot of mixed nuts.

It's a health thing. During the day, I regularly snack on foods, most of them "good for you" fare, so that I can then have a not-so-healthy dinner if I choose. I find nuts delicious, but they also have good cholesterol.

These mixed nuts always include Brazil nuts, which give me a special thrill when eating.

See, Brazil nuts are also known as… Well, something rampantly politically incorrect. Feel uneasy even THINKING the word.

But spinning that terrible nickname into the literal--in, you know, a female interpretation… Well, I get kind of a thrill popping 'em in my mouth but… Again, it's the little things…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2017:
First seemed was just Obama beef;
now think could be heart-felt belief--
excitement unfurled
from own little world
of our Walter Mitty-in-Chief!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2017:
In the interest of giving credit where credit's due, even if it's evil, gotta give the Right Wingers, Republicans, "conservatives," what have you a form of Propaganda Efficiency Award.

Why? For making science--incontrovertible facts--into "partisan/political points of contention."

Today, it's climate change. Back in the 1990s, whether or not cigarettes were addictive. A little later in the 1990s, whether or not homosexuality was a "choice."

We can go back even further, of course, to the matter of the Earth being at the center of our solar system, and all points in between, we suppose...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2017:
Ryan Gosling thought fit occasion,
awards show, to unleash on nation
"fake Gosling"! The fink!
Alt-he? Who's he think
he is--the Trump Administration?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2017:
There once was a lady from Berwyn;
went fishing with fella named Thurmond!
She gave 'em a look;
'fore he could bait hook
she opened mouth and took the worm in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2017:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Was having memory issues with my iPad, so made an Apple Store "Genius Bar" appointment.

Learned that selfie media apps are the biggest villains in using up one's storage. Little know fact--every now and again, have to kill those apps off and reload 'em.

I consider this a sneak attack.

Ah, selfie media, how do you screw me? Let me count the ways…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2017:
Healthcare plan fails? Trump says he'll fling
blame on Dems--word my "news" feed brings!
Ain't "news," more of same!
'D'be News if took blame
for something himself--ANYTHING!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2017:
It is not only our conclusion, but apparently the overall consensus, that people really aren't all that concerned about privacy and Big Brother.

Despite the dangers that have us scared out of our pants (figuratively, anyway), with not only cell phones now tracking us but everything down to our "smart fridges," people apparently just love their selfie media check-ins and being constantly in-contact too much to care. Or perhaps feel that fighting it, at this point, is just a losing battle.

Now comes a certain product that has become "smart" recently, equipped with electronics and an app, with new allegations that it has been tracking and data-mining its customers.

Oh, on a related note, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, assume ANY product with any form of Internet capability IS tracking and data-mining you.

The product in question is the We-Vibe… Yes, it's a vibrator.

Fate is giving us one more chance at this, folks.

If THIS doesn't get you nervous, nothing will.

Aw, fuck. World envisioned by old-school, dystopian science fiction, here we come…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2017:
Read of open mic with strange laws--
a "judgment-free zone"? Ain't whole cause
of those to get feedback?
Guess now that real news lacks
we also now have "alt-applause"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Spring 2017!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2017:
Not sort superstitious--though I'm
Believer in God, don't see rhyme
or reason in Satan…
'cept as hand creatin'
Pure Evil's Daylight Savings Time!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2017:
Fuhrer Trump was quoted as saying that he might not be president if "it wasn't for Twitter."

We try so hard, here at Daily Limerick, to overcome our hatred of selfie media, to learn more about it, find better uses for it, etc… But the more we learn, the deeper we loathe its existence and pray for it to just go the fuck away already…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2017:
Snack on mixed nuts--healthy? What luck! Mmm!
When come 'cross Brazil nuts, I pluck 'em…
Foul nicknamed--n'er say--see,
think lit'ral--just ladies…
For one of Life's lil' thrills, brief suck 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2017:
Ended up with a paper cut on my right index finger, which proved troublesome later that night.

Snacking. Salt in the wound and all.

As a right-hander, ended up snacking left-handed.

Difficult, though not undoable.

"Can't forget… Don't regret… What I did… for…"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2017:
Though certainly not a big fan a',
for one thing, far Right must give hand ta'--
climate's just the latest fact,
skewed with "Partisan" Act!
Virtuoso propaganda!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2017:
We're still receiving Trump-related spam. "Trump uses this so you should, too," "Trump's doing this so you'll wanna buy this," etc.

Started during the election cycle. Didn't see a similar phenomenal for Hil and, again, it's still happening.

We're especially annoyed by this. Far more annoyed by it than by non-Trump spam. Which caused us to wonder… WHY are they doing this when most Americans are offended by anything Trump?

Then it hit us. If you believe anything T-Rump says… Well, you're far more likely to be the type of moron who buys something, ANYTHING sold through an unsolicited e-mail…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2017:
A smart device, We-Vibe, that…thrills.
Caught tracking use! Run-of-the-Mill?
Folks gladly've bagged privacy--
to old sci-fi, blind be!
THIS don't change that, nothing will!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2017:
Headline--

"Children Dead in China School Toilet Stampede"

Hey. We know that we're all just itchin' for the warm weather to finally stick around but… Where the hell do those kids think they are--a Chicago Cubs game?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2017:
A nympho named Jekyll turned Hyde
angling to take a mustache ride!
Dude's was pencil-thin;
stuck vibrator in--
and rode mustache electric slide!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2017:
So… Stickers?

Okay, we've prattled more than enough on this topic, so won't get into it here except to ask… Stickers?

Seriously?

STICKERS? Freakin' stickers. Really?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2017:
Though love-hate (easy on love), I
like bit more with time, as I ply…
'Then twist! Selfie Media!
Now? Trumps says he be the
Pres. thanks to Twit? How, I try…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2017:
How many current Republican politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One… Well, sort of a trick riddle/question here--just Trump, to deny it needs changing.

And, while he's at it, to bust any replacement bulbs in the area, in a pathetic attempt to prevent anyone from fixing it and obscure the truth of the damned bulb being REALLY in need of changing…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2017:
Election lead-up, e-mail slammed--
"Trump says/does this, so buy this" scams!
Election's done--why not trick?
Those who believe the prick?
Prime suckers who fall for spam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2017:
Let's say a pipe in your place bursts. (Assuming you're the home owner or landlord, if it's an apartment.)

Big emergency mess. You call a plumber, who comes out with all his parts and equipment and spends a few hours fixing things.

He presents the bill and…you, of course, tell him, "Plumbing wants to be free, dude!"

How do you think that would fly?

Oh, you wouldn't do THAT, huh? Then you'd have to steal his services right there in his face, rather than anonymously, right, coward?

Pricks…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2017:
Not sure if new you-know-what's quicker
or if anything 'bout it's slicker,
but what's the attraction,
among any faction
of "stickers"? Seriously. STICKERS?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2017:
Came across an online ad for poetry self-publishing that…er, "brags," I guess you'd say, "Keep 100% of Your Royalties!"

Er… Not only are we amid the Open Mic Publishing Age, making it difficult for ANY writers to make a buck but… Poetry?

Little math lesson, folks--

One hundred percent of zero is…still zero…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2017:
Burnt finger so, felt as if branded!
Perhaps worst thing 'bout, to be candid?
Hurt like hell in munchie bag!
Show goes on, 'spite the drag--
found myself snacking left-handed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2017:
I always get jacked this time of year for pepper and egg sandwiches.

I don't really follow the Lent grind, but you see them plugged at restaurants all around and I don't need much of an excuse to ride a craving.

This despite the fact that the sandwiches aren't all that exciting. Which makes an excellent excuse for cooking them up myself.

Got a secret--poblano peppers.

Not jalapeño hot, but a much stronger zing than typical green peppers.

And it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that zing…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2017:
How many from Trump's team's it take
to change a light bulb? Well, it shakes
out as just one chump!
And that would be Trump--
to claim news that bulb's out is "fake"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2017:
So the Kardashian Bunch is mulling the possibility of an animated show.

Guess we'll give 'em credit for not immediately thinking "musical"…although, oh, damn! Shouldn't have even mentioned it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2017:
To those without real lives, just e-,
"bold" bandits…anonymously,
next time you're in fix,
let's see your balls, pricks,
try, say, "plumbing wants to be free"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2017:
An Idaho woman has blamed her car accident on a…Sasquatch?

You know she's just following the lead of Fuhrer Trump.

Hell, we want in on this!

If we're late for a gig in the near future, since it's still chilly here in Chicago, we're blaming the Abominable Snowman!...