Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: May 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2017:
Now, Facebook chiefs make big To-Do--
soon goggles be interface new?
Five years? Great news! Itchin'
for 'scuse, Facebook's ditchin'!
(Hope still's 'fore Twenty-Twenty-Two!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy May Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2017:
News piece--voter stats, polls extolling,
"don't add up," old methods of dolling!
How'd they reach conclusion
with such "duh!" infusion?
One thing's sure--it wasn't from polling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2017:
Caught an ad for a dental care product which utilized…a guy with thick British accent for shill.

Now, we go out of our way to avoid being culturally insensitive and all but… Ahem…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2017:
All year 'round, a Christmas Tree's bringer
of Yule mem'ry as needle flinger!
But Easter, too, tosses
rems through Easter sausage--
for months, fridge kielbasa scent lingers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2017:
Having stocked up on the Easter Kielbasa, grabbing myself extra on my visit to Polish Town in Chicago, I decided to try something a little different with it after many such meals, mixing it with typical onion and kraut, plus some semi-typical rice and atypical Puerto Rican simmer sauce and a spice packet.

Guess I accidentally waxed foodie hipster in my own way with this "fusion."

The result?

I liked it enough to scarf it down but… Well, can't say I DIDN'T like it, or that it was awful or… Ever eat something and have a hard time deciding whether you liked it or not?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2017:
New stats, illegal immigration?
Mex'cans not now major'ty facin'!
This changes whole scene!
You know what this means?
Must build wall 'round whole Goddamned nation!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2017:
You know this modern trend of head-in-the-sand, ultra-partisanship? What with everyone picking and choosing news and "news" that simply bolsters their entrenched beliefs, rather than challenging them, and curling their selfie media feeds for iPreaching to the choir?

This is, of course, a horrible development--and one that has helped push us into this Internet Dark Ages. But we just realized that there's an angle here perhaps even more disturbing.

One of the side effects of ultra-partisanship is also the killing of individuality. Ramped up, of course, via the power of the Internet.

As in folks deciding their take on political issues, not on each's merits, but on what they're SUPPOSED to believe according to the Republican/Democrat/Liberal/Conservative dogma--picking entire philosophies like pre-mixed breakfast cereals.

There is a minority that benefits from destroying individuality--the same one that benefits from ultra-partisanship.

We'll give you a hint as to who--it's not the common, working person or the 99 Percent…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2017:
Yuge news! State of N.C., the site,
big 'lection, fraud votes helped…TRUMP's fight?
Those facts ain' the shocker!
For first time can dock here--
Bullshitter-in-Chief's claim was right!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2017:
Feliz Cinco de Mayo con Mucho Queso!... (Or something roughly translating as such!)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2017:
On Cinco de Mayo, Che craved a
fish taco--Maria's, his fave! Day
went far beyond Cinco!
Both drank themselves stinko--
merged it with both Seis y Nueve!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2017:
So one of T-Rump's schemes is breaking up the Big Banks once dubbed "too big to fail."

Now… Wait a second. This is actually a good idea. In fact, a GREAT idea.

So if we'd have been following the old motherly advice, "don't say anything about someone unless you have something good to say," we'd just NOW have started chiming in about the guy…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2017:
Caught an ad for toothpaste, in it,
the shill was… Well, I found, odd fit!
Don't mean here a swiping,
nor stereotyping
but toothpaste with pitchman…a Brit?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2017:
There's the old saying… You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Wise, if not 100 percent true in all situations.

Do realize, however, that you can certainly teach an old dog OLD tricks.

Tricks he/she doesn't already know.

And time-proven, old tricks are some of the finest tricks around…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2017:
Agree with Trump--Big Banks should fall!
Break them up's one thing, for which, calls!
'd'Be first chime-in on advice--
if can't say something nice
don't say anything at all!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2017:
Saw a news piece advising parents not to let their babies play with tablet computers because it can delay the child's learning of speech.

This is depressing because… Let us count the ways (and not digress).

Now, we're not considered a source of parenting advice or anything but, seriously, folks, let's keep at least some small part of human beings' lives off-Grid… Pricks...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2017:
Things Time and Maturity nix!
Feel "can't teach old dog new tricks" fix?
Know Time-tested, classic
ones are most fantastic--
you CAN teach an old dog OLD tricks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2017:
A French candidate was reportedly hacked less than two days before their big election and… What a minute.

Just who the hell do these hackers think the French are--the United States?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2017:
Cooked Polish dish… Well, not Pole pure--
'Rican sauce leftover, demurred…
Was int'resting lot!
Did I like or not?
Ate it up but, well, still unsure…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2017:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know I'm a big proponent of generic or store-brand groceries/merchandise. Over the years, I've listed only a handful of buys that AREN'T effectively the same damned thing as the pricier, brand name items.

Have a new one to add to that small list--generic breakfast cereal.

We've researched the arena. Trust us. And… Well, consider yourself forewarned…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2017:
Docs caution, keep tablets from kids--
can screw learning speech, so, they did!
'dThink goes without saying!
This stuff needs delaying--
'least give poor things few years off-Grid!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2017:
So now Rand Paul is claiming Obama could have been spying on him.

Who the hell does Rand Paul think he is--our President?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2017:
Effects of tech "gains," our age, blurred!
Make lives better, same, worse? Unsure!
News--guy slept, iPhone near head,
found himself near shocked dead!
At least tech helps us thin herd!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2017:
Just learned that billionaire investor Warren Buffet actually doesn't even use a smartphone.

Hooray! Evidence that one CAN be a success, in fact a raging success, and still avoid the Constantly On-Grid Zombie lifestyle!

We just like this guy more and more, the more we learn about him.

Unfortunately, though, we at Daily Limerick aren't at points in our lives where we can get away with ditching the damned smart devices.

But one can dream.

And Warren Buffet?

Love you and all, but gotta say… We're jealous.

Bastard…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2017:
The hottest dame in a bank's crew
was sole clerk when robber came through!
Pried wide vault where loot be,
he plundered the booty!
(And made off with sacks of cash, too!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2017:
Classifying presidents, gotta give it up for T-Rump on one level--he's a bit, er, unique.

However, early on, with his penchant for propaganda and general fascist tendencies, we pegged him as closest to Nixon, at least over the last century or so.

But we had no idea he'd adhere THIS closely to the Nixon saga…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2017:
Rand Paul's next, for those keeping track,
'mong "Obama spied on me" pack!
Like Trump, seems dude's flipped!
Seems strange, but now hip--
being spied upon's the new black!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Mother's Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2017:
Although Warren Buffet's rich--hella!--
politic'lly's wise, indy fella!
'Spite top success, well known,
read…doesn't use smartphone?
Of all his traits, THAT makes me jealous!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2017:
Read some tech news analyses pondering whether Amazon and Google will be able to counter Facebook's near-monopoly on the Internet advertising market.

So then… What, our three top Digital Robber Barons plunging us into the Internet Dark Ages will have an equal… Tri-opoly, or whatever you'd call it?

And we have anti-trust laws… Why, exactly?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2017:
'Mong pres'dents, sure sets his own bar--
traits Nixon-like; Jackson's HIS star…
Past role models teach men
but… Courting impeachment?
Trump's taking role models too far!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2017:
We've seen numerous news pieces, posts, what-have-you lately comparing T-Rump and his recent, shady FBI antics to Al Capone.

C'mon! That's pretty insulting to the legacy Big Al!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2017:
Generics, store brands shouldn't scare! Picks
most same as store brands! Savings snare trick!
Yet try case by case!
Tried cereal! Taste…
Can buy most, but not all, generic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2017:
One of those "healthy/vegetarian/vegan/blah blah" eateries near me closed recently.

I can't help an urge to cheer whenever I pass the closed storefront.

I used to think that healthy-assed crap like that simply wasn't for eating out. You wanna eat healthy? Stay home and nibble on a head of lettuce and some bean sprouts! That is, if you ARE gonna pay extra for a restaurant, at least enjoy it--take a break from any diets.

Honestly, I still kinda feel that way. But I've also… Well, grown older. So Time's sorta forced me into a greater focus on healthy eating myself.

Nonetheless… Well, I can still support the battle, even if I'm occasionally sitting out as a wounded soldier…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2017:
So Amazon, Google new cause?
Take on Facebook's ad horde! Let's pause.
Don't take a trade cop to see
dig'tal tri-opoly!
Why d'we have anti-trust laws?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2017:
We have expressed in this space our refusal to use unneeded terms like "cis gender." Won't go into it here and regret that we've made a small move toward legitimizing the abomination by even typing it yet again.

We shouldn't have to say this, to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers especially, but we do support the cause behind it. Well, one of the causes--we certainly don't support the perhaps major cause here, Political Correctness.

Mulling our attitudes on all of this, as we've been seeing P.C. Warriors use the term--few; a good sign--we've come up with a classification for this genre of P.C. Tomfoolery.

You can lump this "cis gender" (shudder) in with the unwieldy, unnecessary likes of "African American," six more syllables than "black," and any form of "[whatever]-American," adding an extra three syllables to any identifier, under the subspecies--

Language Pollution...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2017:
My birthday--one more year I've lived!...
And aging's the gift Nature gives.
Grow'n older…well sucks.
Glass half-full means luck--
aging sure beats alternative!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2017:
"Happy Birthday to our Chief Limericist! Happy Birthday to our Chief Limericist!..."

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2017:
A frisky man hit farmers' market;
at hot farmer's daughter's booth, parked it!
Squeezed peach and tomatoes,
then, with tip, to pay fo',
stuffed cuke into basket--on lark, fit!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2017:
We're registering this thought now, imagining it will become a rather easy headline gag in the near future, so bear with us--

It appears a new season of "The Apprentice" is unwinding before our eyes, with its own unique twist.

To culminate the show, hundreds of millions of "contestants" will turn to the Big Boss to say, "You're Fired!"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2017:
Seen multiple cites, Trump's tale, pegged to be,
in metaphor, like Capone's? Beg folks, we
be gentler and kinder--
must we need reminder?
That's insulting…to Big Al's legacy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2017:
At first, it seemed T-Rump was the only one who needed this scolding but now, the news and everything else is wallowing in it, so, everyone--

Shut the hell up about the 2016 Election already!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2017:
Support trans rights, but the solution
ain't words like "cis"--mere P.C. douchin'!
Like "[hypen] American"
clutter to snare Word Sin--
what I call "language pollution"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2017:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of folks walk around with headphones that are usually quiet, "on hold," as needed, so to speak, but let's say a piano's about to fall in your head.

If we're close enough, may try pushing you out of the way.

If not… Well, may very well assume you can't hear anyway, insulated in your iBubble…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2017:
At iceberg's tip, corruption mire,
'fore headlines go clichéd and tired,
for "real" show of shows,
'fore Trump gets his rose
let me be first to say, "You're fired!"

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2017:
So perpetual Republican (tee hee) presidential candidate Rick Santorum publicly stated that Donald Trump "can't continue" on his current path of… Well, exactly what was to be expected from a T-Rump presidency.

So the guy who's seen fit to proclaim from his closet…er, pulpit that even married couples shouldn't have sex unless it's to produce a child is now… A rare voice of reason in this political party?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2017:
Eat healthy… Well, 'least balance-geared!
More so, as forced, with passing years…
Yet rest'raunts, health-nut, here
in 'hood, when seen shuttered…
Can't help it--brings me urge to cheer!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2017:
We need to come up with a better term for "diet" sodas.

We've mused here before about how, rather than "diet," the drinks should be called, say, "Chick Coke," because it used to seem that every woman, no matter how physically fit, seemed to be watching her weight perpetually and, thus, drank such sodas.

Well, that's still true. And, these days, many men are doing the same, we living in a fat society and all but… Well, some of us end up forced into drinking the damned stuff out of, well, getting older.

Stuff like this new-ish "pre-diabetes" and having a genetic disposition to types of diabetes.

As one almost never having to worry about weight issues, and proud of it, but also one who had his problems with booze in the past, I feel an urge to explain myself whenever I belly up to a bar and order a "diet" Coke.

I don't have an appropriate term myself. I'd ask Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to help out but… Just who do you useless bastards think you are? Facebook "friends"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2017:
Each day, the news brings new reflections…
Don, Hil, Bern--results still perplex some!
Now been analyzed
inside-out, all sides!
Folks, shut up 'bout '16 Election!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2017:
A random acquaintance informed us recently that, "Guys are wearing thin ties these days."

Believe it or not, we're not up on all the latest runway news here at Daily Limerick.

This is scandalous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Materials and other factors change, a little bit here and there, with men's fashions. Slowly enough that, with all of us on the same page, we can get away with seemingly awakening every decade or so to say, "Man--my wardrobe's dated!" enlist a wife, girlfriend, etc., and by a few news things.

And that's good enough for a guy to get by, fashion-wise. (Of course, minus the bump of the 1970s, which only passed for "fashionable" in the 1970s and never will again.)

But messing with ties?

Formal stuff is supposed to avoid this "fashion" nonsense. For example, our Chief Limericist has a lot of 1920s style clothing for a regular gangster gig--and stuff like ties, non-outrageous jackets and shirts and pants, suspenders, etc., are thus suppose to remain fashionable, as they were both 100 years past and 100 years into the future.

Again… Messing with fucking ties?

Who the hell off in New York, Italy or wherever-the-hell dropped the Guy Code Ball on this?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2017:
Here's update, tale of boy with troubles--
sealed-off from world, self headphone snub pulled!
Piano fell on his head--
didn't hear warnings said!
"The Boy in Plastic iBubble"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2017:
Google now claims to know when its users use the site, leave the site and go buy merchandise searched in a traditional store.

Some system whereby they compare credit card records and… Apparently, they pretty much have legal (and/or "legal") access to everything now.

More evidence that the Digital Robber Baron is Too Big NOT To Fail.

And more evidence ensuring that we, except in exceptionally large-ticket cases, will continue to use cash wherever we can.

Cashless society?

Utopia is more like a credit card-less society…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2017:
A wellness freak who went by Jeanna was
scheduled for colonic, 'til one've her buds,
an anal freak, took her home!
Cancelled clean-out by phone--
with friends like that, who needs enemas!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2017:
A reporter covering a Montana congressional election was apparently "body slammed" by the GOP candidate.

What the hell. The rise of T-Rump has already solidified American government as a "reality" TV show--why not add "professional" wrestling to the mix?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2017:
"Can't continue" whacked, Trump! Wise! This from…
Rick Santorum? Dogma drunk with some
big issues--thinks man and wife
shan't have sex, 'less brings life?...
HE'S GOP voice of wisdom?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2017:
Digital Robber Baron Google is now banning "ultrasonic spying" apps from its phone.

See, that type of thing can interfere with Google's near-monopoly on spying on its users…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2017:
Apparently, newest "hep" ties sold
are thin? Messes with my true-tried mode--
dude fashion, no mind fuss
'cause formal's just timeless!
Some chick/gay ain't mindin' the Guy Code!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2017:
Now Google's Bill Brother Web eye can be
on you, search to retail--you buy, they see!
Your credit cards? Now they've mole!
Cashless world, modern goal?
Try CREDIT CARD-less society!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2017:
Finally Trump and his administration have a goal that… Well, won't "make America great again," ahem, but is at least something inarguably helpful for the country.

This following, of course, whackadoodle priorities such as building a border wall, re-stoking a nuclear arms race, another wallow in the bathtub of failure that was the War on Drugs, etc., et. al.

Ready for it? Gotta give the bunch credit where and if credit's due--

A White House adviser stated that a major goal of Trump's European trip is for T-Rump to… "get smarter"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2017:
One time, seemed that only chicks'd buy it;
we grow fat, so now, to guys, ply it…
Age, and need watch blood sugar!
Thin--new name, need procure!
Stigma's on soda called "diet"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2017:
Got ridiculously ambitious with my bachelor, bulk cooking recently. Decided to make a chicken fried rice, so bought a whole chicken, boiled that first (easier to bone and such, plus pre-browns it), then figured twice the rice would make an ideal proportion and… Whoah.

Bought every other ingredient in the same proportion and found myself…almost, I say ALMOST out of cooking space--pans, storage containers, etc.

In fact, in order to accommodate, I found myself cooking some, pouring it into a huge container; cooking some more, putting that in another container; emptying the simmering dish into storage containers to mix in more ingredients, as I was spilling rice all over the stove and floors and… Good Elvis!

Almost, I say ALMOST gave up on some levels--froze some of the mix semi-cooked and/or partially abandoned the stovetop plan to instead cook some of it in a huge casserole dish… Almost, again.

I gotta curtail some of this bachelor, bulk cooking ambition. Just about cooked myself into a corner on that one…