Daily Limerick
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(c)1999-2017 John "Sloop" Biederman
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Archives: September 2017
DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2017:
This Alex Jones prick so can't stand
Obama, now claims… Michelle's man?
Birther crap proved whack;
still pissed 'bout Pres. black…
New K3--Konspiring Kooks Klan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2017:
Read a reference, in a legitimate news publication, dubbing the recent Charlottesville violence as "race riots." Specifically, predicting more of these "race riots" given the current political situation.

Now, we're not fans of political correctness here at Daily Limerick, but "race riot" implies that two races are on board to fight one another.

There isn't even one race on-board with this bullshit. There's one group of Anglo-Saxons at war with non-Anglo-Saxons and even Anglo-Saxons who… Well, aren't missing links, as they are.

Actually, we're not sure how to describe these situations, other than that they sure as hell aren't "race" riots.

See, we don't want to insult any actual missing links who might still be out there somewhere…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2017:
Judge lady's ice, crook sought to thaw,
so, though its "long arm's" the old saw,
in chambers for scolding
loosed own gavel holding--
and with long schlong, laid down the Law!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2017:
So first Kathy Griffin… Well, you know.

Then Kathy Griffin… Well, you know. Backlash ensued.

Now, after a certain Web site focusing on News Limericks and commentary said she didn't appear so crazy after all, Kathy Griffin says that with all the recent "Zig, Heil-in'," she's not sorry after all.

While waiting for Kathy to check-in, we're takin' credit…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2017:
In nations, non-democracies,
oft "dummy elections" we see!
In U.S., may brag,
but have dummies--gag
of "anti-trust" laws', FTC!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2017:
The National Weather Service has seen fit to alert the public to beware of… Fake weather forecasts?

So, what? Attempts to make it seem like the world's average temperature's aren't continually rising year to year?

Now, we already have fake news… Fake sports--pro "wrestling" and, back again, fantasy football… So, what, are fake traffic reports next?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2017:
On Holiday Weekend, all smirkin'--
at 'cue, bash, out! (Or, 'least home jerkin'!)
Invite me? I'll 'splain--bent
of field's entertainment!
For me, "Holiday" means "I'm workin'"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2017:
Happy Extra Cheezy Labor Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2017:
As writer, though some irk, I've tended,
to shirk "offense"--find Free Speech splendid!
But Bloomberg's ad hacks'
"sweetened bev'rage tax"
spots put me in rare state--offended! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2017:
Years ago, government forced businesses to accept credit card payments for all transactions.

Those companies give a trough of money to both major political parties.

We say it's high time to force businesses to accept United States-backed cash, the way things are shaking out.

Curiously, though we don't see this happening, for some unimaginable reason…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2017:
Eat healthy… Well, 'least balanced dude!
But groceries? Frugal--'fact, shrewd!
Thus, one store, long mulled--tar'yin'!
Now bought--Robber Baron?
No way now'll spend dime, Whole Foods!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2017:
Why do so many U.S. commercials for cooking wares and such feature host/shills with a British accent?

You know damned well that, in the word of advertising, things like this aren't left to chance--in fact, they've been focus-grouped silly.

I'm well aware that Americans are suckers for foreign accents--cause us to open our wallets, for some reason.

But considering the realm of food… BRITISH accents?

That country isn't exactly… Let's just say that England isn't exactly known as a culinary Mecca and leave it at that…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2017:
See news sources dubbing discord
from missing link, "alt-right" prick hordes
as "race riots"? Guys,
how lame! In fact, lies,
for most full-brained whites ain't aboard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2017:
To keep with the romance metaphor, if two ships manage to NOT "pass in the night"… They gotta crash, right?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2017:
Age, Facebook, Preach-to-Choir "news" blasts…
News? Fake thrives, real soon thing of past?
Trend grows like a cancer!
Want facts? Choose your answer!
Word's now… 'Ware fake weather forecasts?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2017:
Saw a TV commercial, from a prominent coffee brand, for these coffee-tablet thingies. Freeze-dried or whatever coffee in little, well, packets, with just enough coffee grounds to make certain sized pot of coffee.

This isn't the only product of this sort these days. I guess you'd call these, for lack of a wittier term, lazy-ass goods.

So, let's get this straight. We live in a society where everybody and their brother-in-law's plumber is running a marathon or 5K or Turkey Trot or Arbor Day Jaunt or what-have-you…and yet measuring a few scoops out for a proper cup of coffee is just too much toil and trouble?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2017:
A horny, freak poet named Sam
read Seuss…found 'self slammin' the ham!
Dipped his girl in Jello
and, soon, this perv fellow
did partake of Green Legs and Clam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2017:
As a generally news-loving bunch here at Daily Limerick, lately… Well, gotta admit, while we still love keeping up on it, there's more than a pinch of dread accompanying that feeling.

News topic barrage. Since late last year, everything's been focused around one guy. And one we never liked to begin with, going back to the second he came onto the Public Radar.

But now… Well, I guess, on the bright side, there's a bit more variety. If two things constitutes "variety."

Still, we're not quite sure which we're sicker of reading about--Donald Trump or…the coming, new iPhone…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2017:
For moment, at first, headline vexed…
then brought urge to lose all my techs,
move to woods, off-grid!
Its question, no kid--
"What's New in World of Robot Sex?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2017:
So it seems Facebook has something to hide regarding a little ad scandal…involving Russians.

Surest sign so far that the Mother Zucker will run for president in 2020…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2017:
Law forced Biz to take e'en small spenders'
buys with credit cards--those shark lenders
stock pols' Gravy Train!
Now wish they'd do same
with cash--mere gov-backed legal tender!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2017:
The ad reads--

"Download Hundreds of EBooks Without Spending a Dime"

And it has been appearing on our own damned site. (Sigh.)

But, hey, the Digital Millennium Copyright Act is working, as is, just fine…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2017:
There's saying, 'bout Destiny's plight,
on two matched souls, not seeing light…
I'll risk sounding crass,
but when they DON'T pass
would not two ships CRASH in the night?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2017:
See a lot of establishments bearing signs, outside, near the door, "No smoking within 15 feet of the doorway."

Funny thing is… Well, they are asserting something that is, in actuality, the law.

You don't see signs proclaiming, "No murdering in this establishment."

Does say something a bit deeper, though, if you think on it…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2017:
Americans sure have one heck'a
strong fetish for accents unchecked! The
slew of ads, cooking shit,
all seem be shilled by…Brits?
(Britain's… Well, far from Food Mecca!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2017:
Cheerios has a new-ish "Ancient Grains" variety.

See, the March of Time has some of us here at Daily Limerick forced into eating healthier and… (Sigh.)

Anyway… Not bad stuff.

Problem is, and this is why it took us quite some time to actually try this, when you shop at places like Walmart, which get low, low, LOW prices by means including sometimes tossing stuff out there real close to expiration dates… Well.

Attaching the word "ancient" can make one wonder…

Happy Extra Cheezy International Salisbury Steak Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2017:
Though quite balanced news feed I've honed,
still find it in theme barrage zone!
Unsure of which type,
most sick, overhype--
Pres. T-Rump or damned new iPhone! 

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2017:
Haven't frequented coffeehouses in many years. Used to be a constant place of hang-out, but… Life changes.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Lately been making an occasional foray back to that scene and have noticed some big differences today.

The No Smoking policy is one. And, honestly, one reason my visits became less frequent, if far from the only reason.

The noise is another new, resoundingly negative thing.

Oh, there was always the danger of running into the terrible folk musician's set.

And, coffeehouses long being places to meet, there's often chatter.

But nothing like what's been unleashed with the cell phone.

And I don't know why, but somehow even a soft cell conversation is ten times more annoying than the loudest buffoons carrying on face-to-face…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2017:
The Russians dispensed ads like Pez
on Facebook! Here's what scandal says--
though rumors, in flow, are,
here's surest sign so far
that Zuckerberg will run for Pres.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2017:
Headline--

"Alexa, Google Home and Smart Phones Could Make Illiteracy Unimportant"

But we're alarmists in declaring that we're already in the tip of an Internet Dark Ages, right?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2017:
Gent went into big art show artsy;
worked furrowed brow--'fact, artsy-fartsy!
Almost bought a painting!
Eyed art school girls, dainty…
'Stead went home with an artsy-tartsy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2017:
So Ted Cruz is in something…well, something sorta like trouble over his Twit account "liking" a porn link.

Wish something like this would've happened during the primary competition.

We try, oh how we try, to be fully independent here at Daily Limerick, but the modern state of the Republican Party makes it so hard…and anything moving them away from the Religious Right-courting, anti-science, anti-sex rut they've entered is welcome as all shit to us…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2017:
For writers, Web ad's sign of times--
"Hundreds, Ebooks, sans spending dime!"
We're in 'Net Dark Ages--
can't eat words off pages--
but DMCA works just fine?…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2017:
It all started with the lawsuit over a burn from hot coffee at McDonald's.

Now comes a woman suing Starbucks over hot tea that not only "disfigured" her, but killed her dog!

We sense the start of a legal pissing contest here. Whaddaya think's next? Therapy over a fear of hot beverages? Baby taking on secondhand caffeine? Or, perhaps worst of all, a damaged (gulp) iPhone?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2017:
Once coffeehouse hound--scene did joy bring!
Of late, ducked back… Found new scene cloying!
Sure, blab's always happened,
but, somehow, the yappin'
on cell phones is far more annoying!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2017:
The old slang term, "cat fight," although we don't recall any specific hubbub, is likely viewed by some as markedly politically incorrect.

While we're not on this bandwagon or anything--there's truth in all stereotypes, fighting words is kinda lame, etc.--we think maybe there's a more modernly sensitive version that, actually, is a better fit.

The "elephant fight."

Think on that one, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2017:
Likes Siri, Alexa all rage--biz
lame-named "assistants"! Now some gauge this
as sign that illit'racy,
soon, no big deal? Yet, me?
Nuts dubbing this 'Net Dark Ages?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2017:
Actually caught the old saw, in this day and age, recently in my news feed--

"Politics as Usual"

Think that now should read, "Politics as Unusual."

Then again, one could argue that the unusual has become the usual and… You get our point…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2017:
New Cheerios, "healthy" ordained
twist quite tasty--lil' pain for gain!
Near shunned--Walmart's low rates
chase expiration dates
so was leery of "'Ancient' Grains"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2017:
New donut shops are opening all over the place. New chains are thriving and we're seeing folks with their bags and coffee cups, emblazoned with the logos, all around town.

We all like to think that Humanity is evolving healthier all the time--marathons, walks, various trots practically new National Pastime, smokers a step away from becoming the new, acceptable target of lynch mobs… But donut shops? Not to mention more specific pastry emporiums, of cupcakes, for instance--not just opening, but thriving.

And has anyone else noticed that heavily imbibing booze is on the upswing--trendy, even heavily media encouraged as of late? There are even freakin' YOGA sessions mixing with "craft" beer afterwards.

Starting to think that we're really just hitting a constant balance here--regularly substituting one unhealthy habit for others so, over time, historically, merely even things out...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2017:
Ted Cruz scandal--twit "liking" porn!
Since, o'er GOP's fate, I mourn--
'mid anti-sex/science bit,
now endangered, mod'rates--
actu'lly now like guy more'n!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2017:
Went to this big art show in Chicago. Art Expo. Must've been hundreds of galleries represented, from around the world.

Lotta jaw-dropping, mind-blowing, sublime stuff to look at.

And the art was pretty interesting, too…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2017:
There's term for match-up lacking bite
(a bit, shall we say, impolite),
refs cats, meaning lame,
but now's better name--
the hiss and slap "elephant fight"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2017:
Saw a work of multi-media, interactive art recently, on an environmental--combat climate change--theme.

The gallery grunt explained the theme in greater detail, making damned sure I took a large, thick postcard with show information.

Had a stack of such postcards. Forcing 'em on anyone she could.

Those must've killed, if not a tree, a respectably sized bush…

Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Fall, 2017 (as of 3:02 p.m., CDT)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2017:
A man met the she-devil, Meg,
while crafting batch of deviled eggs!
She coaxed, from pants "shell,"
huevos! "Mayo" gelled
when lured  'tween her spiced, deviled legs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2017:
So refreshing to glance a car tooling around the city that's NOT an Uber or Lyft driver… Endangered species now, too…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2017:
Here's something I didn't foresee--
with Trump and base's bigotry,
own party's denouncing;
on clime change cause, pouncing…
Dude's somehow GOOD for GOP!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2017:
Read a response in Savage Love to a reader/writer, which cited a statistics concerning the differences between men and women in regarding straight sex that said men experience orgasm in "75 percent" of cases.

Only 75 percent?

Outside the rare, shit-faced drunken incident, this is difficult to believe… Or does this explain all the Viagra, Cialis, etc., et. al. commercials?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2017:
For those who, on politics, mull,
'tude turns jaded--sleaze scene seems dull!
But recent developments…
Whole new direction, sent!
Pol'tics as UNusual!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2017:
Caught a movie on FXM noted as "edited for content."

Setting aside the idea that FX is supposedly "edgy" and that, well, cable TV was originally… Ahem. Let's not digress. Point is, this sort of thing is (sigh) to be expected.

Except for the fact that the movie in question was… "Rio"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2017:
Took in big Art Expo to-do,
'mid arty chicks, mulling to woo!
Such fine works! Sublime!
Jaw-dropping! Ace! Prime!
(And art there was pretty nice, too!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2017:
As many would-be fans are protesting the NFL over Colin Kaepernick's seemingly dead career, thanks to his National Anthem racism protests, and the league's generally wishy-washy "acceptance" of such protests, Fuehrer Donald Trump is urging Americans to protest the protest protests.

Got that? So… Everybody protest the NFL--just pick your reason!

That said, we'll admit that we're sorta unofficially protesting the league, as well. We're on the Free Speech/anti-racism side. Then there's the fact that the game's growing more and more boring every year, thanks to many factors, chief among them the indulgence of fantasy football lame-ity.

And, perhaps more importantly, the Bears just suck--and show little signs of improving much in the near-ish future.

Gotta stick by our principles…

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2017:
At glance, humans these days appear
health-crazed, century's early years…
Old bad habits flout,
but trends even out--
now marathons…donuts and beer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2017:
Was eating a summer meal-grind staple, chili Polish--as introduced to the world by Daily Limerick…perhaps--and noticed, twice now… Well, I doused the things in hot sauce and didn't taste much of a zing.

So, maybe this wouldn't qualify as a dangerous addiction but… I've certainly got one helluva sky-high hot sauce tolerance!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2017:
Walk, navigate city 'mid rubes who're
distracted--on foot, in cars, boobs, sure!
Then viewed car, with clarity…
Near-mythic, rarity--
driver NOT for Lyft or Uber!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2017:
Remember when you took in entertainment, be it TV, a movie, an awards show or a sporting event…to ESCAPE politics and the generally troubling news of the day?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2017:
Most movies on cable TV show
screen, "Edited for content." Free flow
of flicks straight, was once whole gist--
Puritan hordes insist!
Get this--but, really, for "Rio"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2017:
As much as we loathe the stuff, we get my spam exists--everybody needs to put food on the table and, thus, any conceivable way of making that money will be explored by somebody, no matter how slimy.

Likewise, we get the idea of "Subject" and "From" lines in this spam aiming to tweak the interest of the highest percentage of folks as is possible.

But who the hell would open an e-mail from a "Dr. Fungus"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2017:
Guy sent friend a stripper named Tiff
for his final, deathbed wish gift!
As clothing she shucked, hit
his heart--kicked the bucket!
They buried the stiff WITH a stiff!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2017:
Saw a new story about how Facebook can now, when allowed access to your device's "location services," further clog up your feed with shills based on the stores and such you visit.

Logged into Facebook and, there atop the feed, read "Allow Facebook access to your Location Services to take full advantage of all Facebook features!"

Exactly why we always turn such things off.

We'll pass on these extra "features," ya' Mother-Zucker…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...